DMV (2025) s01e02 Episode Script

1
That's what happens
when I go anywhere with
Morning!
Whoa.
It's too much.
Yeah, it's, like,
a thousand degrees outside.
-Just chill.
-Sorry.
A bit hard to chill
after what happened with Noa
at the bar last night.
-What?
-Oh! Some rub by-touchy,
-squeezy-squeezy?
-Better.
We had nine and a half minutes
of very connected conversation.
-Nope. -Sad.
-Unsubscribe.
God, I should not
have done all of those shots
with Barb last night.
What? I did shots with Barb
last night.
-Oh, my God. -Oh, dear.
-Lordy be, Gordy.
Team, gather round. Come on.
--Mm.
-Okay.
-That's sad.
-Is she in the same thing as yesterday?
Barb?
You okay?
Quit screaming
and I will be fine.
Okay, as the consultants said,
the state is going to be cutting
one of the four Hollywood DMVs
this year.
Long story short,
things are getting hairy
-up in Big Sac. -Mm.
-"Big Sac"?
Yeah, that's what she calls the
DMV headquarters in Sacramento.
-She does realize "Big Sac"
-No. Mm-mm.
Barb is a sweet baby angel.
Sexual innuendo goes
right over her head.
Now Big Sac is sensitive,
so we're gonna have
to massage things
or we're gonna get the shaft.
Okay, I see now.
It's quite entertaining.
-Mm-hmm.
-Now, we have to limit
customer complaints,
but that's gonna be
a challenge today,
'cause it's gonna be hotter
than Mars.
Actually, Mars is
200 degrees below zero.
Same temperature
as my marital bed.
I know customers
-are gonna be cranky today.
-Yeah.
Or we could give people
the benefit of the
Just give us a minute!
But under no circumstance
should anybody touch the AC.
Okay.
Why?
'Cause, new dude,
this is the DMV.
God forbid we do anything
that costs Sacramento money.
Don't worry,
I'll put in a request
for the state-approved HVAC guy
who is allowed to lower the AC.
-Mm.
-Right after
I call the bar to see
if they found my retainer.
Unless anybody has it?
-No. I don't have your retainer.
-No. -No.
Yeah. Uh. Uh
-Dismissed.
-Thank you.
-Um, good morning.
-Morning.
We're still on
for Saturday, right?
-S Yeah.
-Yes. All right.
-Have a good day, everyone.
-You, too. -VIC: See you.
Did I hear "Saturday"?
Mm-hmm.
-That's not a workday.
-Yeah.
I didn't want to jinx things,
but
Mama's got a date.
Ooh, are you
gonna go to the land down under?
Gross. He's from New Zealand.
Which is in?
Anyways,
what are you guys gonna do?
Movie? Dinner?
Petco. Actually, not Petco.
Outside Petco. A parking lot.
He's gonna swing by
and meet my foster dog.
Sounds like
if anyone's on a date,
-it's Noa and the pupper.
-No,
it's totally a date.
I'm gonna wear my grandma undies
just so I'm not tempted,
you know.
Take things nice and slow.
TMI.
Well, it's 8:00.
It's time to open
the joy factory.
Welcome to the DMV.
Please form an orderly line.
Hey.
Oh, this is for stray cats.
I-I don't drink
out of tiny bowls.
That's crazy.
I was actually coming in
to get some water
for the cats, too.
No way. You're messing with me.
-Don't. People do that here.
-No, for real.
With the heat outside,
it's gonna be a tough day
for the little kitties. Is
is it okay if I help?
-Yeah, go for it.
-Okay.
I am most worried about Leonard.
Leonard? Who's
He's, uh, the black and white
one with the brown patch
on his nose. Very vocal.
Oh, you mean Mewan McGregor.
Yeah. He specifically hates
being called "Leonard."
Oh, my God.
My apologies to Mewan.
So you, uh,
-you foster dogs
-Mm-hmm.
and you look out
for street cats.
Bit of a softy, huh?
Guilty.
No. Hey. Me, too.
But don't tell anyone.
I'm trying to establish myself
as the office alpha.
Um earrings and sandals.
-Oh
-I think you're there.
Okay. Thank you.
Oh, shoot. I
Yeah, I'm late.
-Yeah?
-Late for a driving test.
-Uh, okay. Okay.
-I gotta go.
Why don't you load me up?
-You sure?
-Yeah.
Yeah. I used to wait tables.
At a cat café?
Awesome.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
Wow, you really are
just gonna leave me here.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
that you had it
You are fun to mess with.
-See you.
-Bye.
Yuk city.
-Ugh.
-Hi.
Ugh.
Smells like
my meemaw's wheelchair.
Barb must've moved
the outside line inside.
-'Cause of the heat. Mm.
-Smart.
That way, if there's a fire,
we'll bottleneck
at the door and all die
-a slow, agonizing death.
-Yeah.
Which, to be fair, we're kind of already doing.
Look at that poor woman.
Do you think I should help her?
We work at the DMV.
Helping people is not our job.
-She has a baby, Gregg.
-Ugh! Could be
a fake. We've seen it before.
-Drop hot coffee on it?
-Yep.
Stop.
-Hey, can I help you?
-Yes.
Um, I have to return
this extra plate,
uh, but I didn't realize
it'd be so busy.
We're sleep training,
so if I don't get her
in her Snoo
in a dark room
with white noise machine
in 41 minutes,
then we miss the window.
I'm sorry I'm rambling.
I have not slept in a year.
It's okay.
Isn't she cute?
And real!
-Mm.
-Follow me.
Thank you.
Hey, Carl.
Will you help this mom for me?
Absolutely.
-Just rebooting.
-Awesome.
Hey, Noa.
I want to die.
Maybe you can go home
and sleep it off.
Noa, I am manager now, okay?
We're taking it
on the chin from Big Sac.
We need a battle-tested
professional at the wheel.
So sorry. Can I just grab
this toilet paper?
Oh.
I woke up at the bar.
Didn't have time to go home.
Took a little bath
in the gas station sink.
Mm.
Ugh, I already entered
my username!
Why does it keep doing this?
Why does it keep doing this?!
Just work!
Work!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Hey, hey, hey. New guy
at Window 8 is washing out.
-I gotta see this.
-Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God. Me, too.
I hate this place!
-I hate you people!
-Yeah!
Get specific!
Details, baby!
I'm just a human being
-trying to get by!
-Yes.
You want distribution?
How's this for distribution?
You're all animals!
Already am a
Oh, yeah.
I hate this chair.
Man, Carl just snapped.
It was pure magic.
-I mean, it was his third Wednesday.
-Hey,
Wash Out Wednesday's
not a thing, Ceci.
It's a DMV myth.
Yeah, like timely paychecks
and respect
from your fellow humans.
Uh-uh. It's a real thing.
Third Wednesday in is when
you either quit or commit.
Yeah. Carl really committed.
He took off all his clothes.
Ugh.
What's the opposite
of manscaping?
Ugh, that reminds me
I got to go vacuum.
My third Wednesday,
some lady threw her purse at me.
I almost quit and became
a crime scene photographer,
a job that would have
both satisfied my gift
for photography
and crime-solving.
But I stayed.
And I kept the purse.
Christian Dior.
I don't know who that is.
I guess I never thought
about washing out.
I mean, the benefits
are so great,
and you guys are like my f
Family, yeah.
You know, every day
is a Wash Out Wednesday for me.
I'm always this close
to handing in my resignation.
Go ahead. Look in my drawer.
-These are divorce papers.
-The other drawer.
Wait,
didn't Noa and Carl
start on the same day?
Which means
I need to charge my phone,
'cause we might have
a double washout situation.
-Ooh.
-No, no,
no, no, no. Noa can't quit!
I mean, we can't lose
another documents processor.
There's documents
that need to be processed.
Okay, we all know if you make it
through your third Wednesday,
you're basically here until
Until you die.
Yes. So we just have to get Noa
through today.
So what do we know?
-He loves surfing.
-Mm-hmm.
Um, saxophone.
Mm, he also hates the heat.
-How do you know that?
-Because, Colette,
I'm an incredible detective.
Also, he keeps saying,
"I hate the heat."
But the HVAC guy
could be days away.
Okay.
Operation Cooldown.
Let's go around the horn.
What's everybody got?
-I got
-Not you.
Ooh, I got an idea.
Yes! Gregg came to play.
Leggo, my Greggo.
-What if
-Mm-hmm.
you stay in your lane?
Mm. Yes.
Mm, yes, I'm not following.
I just think that
you tend to meddle
in other people's beeswax.
I don't meddle.
Name one time.
Okay, I'll go.
How about when you brought
my baby sister here?
Yeah. You hadn't spoken
in years, Ceci.
-It was wrong.
-It was on purpose.
And now, because of you,
we're super close again.
Do you know
how much I hate that?
Look, my point is
that you can't stay
in your lane.
And when you drift,
you cause damage.
Damage.
If Noa quits, he quits.
Just stay out of it.
Okay.
I can stay in my lane.
Look, look, I'm in my lane.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a driving exam
to go to.
Peace.
Mm, does she
really have a driving exam?
No.
Apologies. Just a second.
It's here somewhere.
Hey!
Whoa. Hey.
-Hey, hey, hey!
-You got a fan!
Can you maybe not do that,
please? Please!
I turned it up. I'm so sorry.
I'm just I'm trying to find
this lady's driver's license
amid the carnage
of my mate's mental breakdown.
The unhinged guy had it
in his hand
when he went crazy.
Oh, no. He seemed pretty calm
when he left.
Yeah.
After the police tased him.
You know, when that first
Taser probe hit, I thought,
"Save those moves
for the holiday party, buddy."
I just can't believe he snapped
like that, you know? It's
I kind of get it, but
Do you? I don't.
I don't know
why anyone would leave your job.
I mean,
who doesn't love, you know,
processing documents?
I'm sorry.
I-I can't even think straight.
Where's this HVAC guy? Is he
This heat's killing me.
You know what, I'm gonna
I'm gonna see if I can
-do something for you.
-Thank you.
Now serving 85
Okay.
You're no HVAC expert,
but, 20 minutes ago, you learned
it was called "HVAC."
Problem solved.
Hi.
Was your driving test in there?
It's cooler already.
You can thank me later.
Okay?
Now serving
Oh.
Thank you, Colette.
Excuse me.
-Sorry, it doesn't work
-Excuse me. It's my turn.
I need my license back.
The sleep window is closing.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Everyone,
the automated number system,
it reset itself
when the power went out.
We're trying to sort it.
Okay, that is good enough.
-Pass 'em out.
-Ooh.
I'm gonna sell 'em.
-Oy.
-Thanks for your patience, everybody!
Just take some deep breaths!
We're getting it squared away!
Figured out your problem.
Someone messed with the AC.
Mother of gosh!
That's why they tell you
not to touch it.
Oh,
we were told.
Who did it? Just come forward.
Your punishment will
be harsh but fair.
Especially if you had
a good reason.
Oh, it's
definitely gonna be harsh.
But first we got a bunch
of stuff we got to do
after a power outage.
Oh, is there anything in there
that doesn't involve
me being around people?
Uh, cleaning out the fridge?
Dibs. Maybe I'll eat something
and die.
Perfect.
Whoo!
Shirt monster got me.
Um. Come on, Vic.
Will you put your shirt on?
We're not getting shut down
because of those nipples.
Actually, it's "nipple."
This one's a tattoo
to cover an old lacrosse injury.
Some idiot touched the AC.
-And I already have a prime suspect.
-Huh.
It's Vic.
-Vic?
-Do you remember earlier he said he runs hot?
And just now he came out here
with his shirt off.
-Did you notice that?
-Shirt off, yeah.
It's him, it's him. Mm. Yeah.
Stop! Everyone just stop!
Oh, my God.
He's Carling.
Uh, grapes with hair on them.
Cool.
Noa's gonna wash.
He-he-he made the sound.
He's pulling out his hair.
What do I do, Gregg?
Ooh, I-I-I could pull
the fire alarm.
Haven't you done enough already?
Chicken bones
wrapped in a napkin.
That's important.
You're right.
The fire alarm hasn't
worked in years.
You know,
you're being kind of selfish.
Selfish?
I am concerned for a coworker.
They dragged Carl out of here
on a gurney.
I don't see you calling
his wife and kids.
Well, excuse me.
At least I care about something.
I mean, is there anything
that you care about?
Yeah.
I care about
not getting salmonella
from whatever
just made my glove sizzle.
Listen, forget about Noa.
Just go do a driving test.
Enjoy some working AC.
That's it!
You're a genius, Gregg.
Yeah, well, I'm definitely
smarter than whosever
-refrigerating their insoles.
-Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Those are prescription.
Please don't throw them out.
-Tuck 'em in.
-Okay.
So my road test is over here.
Hey, thank you for
inviting me for a ride.
That's fine.
You know, before, when I said,
"Do you want to ride me?"
That wasn't a like, a slip up.
That was just slang for
"Do you want to ride with me?"
'Cause I figured you could
use a break. -Ah, okay.
Uh, hey.
I should probably get
your number,
right, so we can coordinate
Saturday?
-Yes!
-Okay.
Yes.
Maybe you could ride me.
Uh, okay. It's a date.
Okay.
-Once you
-No way!
Hello.
I-I know you, right?
Topanga Beach,
a couple months ago?
Night
surfing with ten-foot swells.
We wiped out
and lost each other.
I was so worried about you.
I was really worried about you.
-But here we are.
-Yeah.
Here we are.
Wow.
So that's eight-one-eight
Sorry, what?
Eight-one-eight.
-Don't worry. Just
-Oh!
-So sore. Ripped right through my wetsuit.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.
-Total wipe out.
Wow.
Well, you know what,
you're a tough guy.
I'm sure you got right back on.
It just made me really
appreciate life, you know?
Yes. Exactly.
That is so real.
-So real.
-Kid in the road!
Whoa!
-I didn't see a kid.
-Me neither.
Well, there could've been one,
and you would've smushed it.
Honestly, guys.
Can you sit back?
-This is a test.
-Oh.
Sorry.
And why are we throwing away
this perfectly good
cottage cheese?
That's milk.
Well, if it's from a cow,
it's going in this steer.
It is bad out there.
The whole room smells
like my hockey gloves.
Have you seen Noa?
I bet Colette has.
Great. Noa's gone,
my head is pounding,
and all these complaints are
gonna make Big Sac really testy!
The refrigerator job was sold
on the premise of solitude.
Ugh.
What's this? Salad dressing?
Fecal swab sample.
And I am done.
Yeah.
Boom. Another masterpiece.
This is wild.
I mean, if you think about it,
if it weren't for you,
I would've
never have seen her again.
Yeah. I actually have thought
about it.
-Just the universe, eh? What a what a crazy ride.
-Crazy ride.
Congratulations!
Let's go, Mary.
Let's get your license.
All right. Bye, Colette.
I hope to see you again soon.
Oh, great.
-She's so beautiful.
-Yeah.
And that hair.
It's very selfish
that she hasn't cut it off
and donated it to charity.
Right?
It's kind of funny that you
happen to mention hair, Colette.
Because I was wondering
if you happened to know
how I found these two blonde
mousy ones
in the thermostat closet today.
-I don't know. Yeah.
-Colette?
Did you take Noa
on a driving test?
-I did not authorize that.
-Uh,
hey, Barb?
This lady was returning
her plate,
and apparently
Carl lost her license.
If you were just here
to return a plate,
why didn't you put it
in the drop box?
There's a drop box?
-Oh, my
-I told you.
Stay in your lane.
Yeah. You did.
And I didn't, because I'm me.
And me ruined her day
and your day
and everybody's day,
because, yeah,
it was me.
I lowered the AC,
and I caused the power outage.
And apparently my hair
is falling out. But, hey,
at least I drove Noa
into the arms
of his perfect woman!
Now serving
Here's the estimate
to fix everything.
What?
Our branch is
already on the chopping block.
I can't slap Big Sac with this.
Oh, you don't have to.
Oh, thank
I already did.
Gah. Great lakes.
Hey! Your license.
I must've missed it while I was
vacuuming up Carl's curlies.
Silver lining.
This isn't me.
Just take it.
Okay.
Next. No. Her, boss.
It's not mousy.
It's butterscotch wheat.
Colette.
I am not gonna let you wash out.
No, it's okay.
You don't have to come in here.
Well, you're right.
I mess up everything
'cause I can't stay in my lane.
Do you remember when
you surprised me with a cake
-on my birthday?
-Yeah.
You were furious because you
didn't want everyone to know
you were turning 60, but
There were so many candles
on that damn cake
that it set off
the sprinkler system
and we got to go home early.
-Yeah.
-I got to watch
a whole hour of Mighty Trains
before Tanya got home.
It was the best birthday
of my whole life.
Okay, so I was
accidentally helpful one time.
But, clearly,
I can't stop myself from getting
in everyone's way.
And that's what makes you you.
And I need you here.
Because there is something
that I care about.
Aw.
Me?
-It's not caring.
-Oh.
And the only way I can not care
is if you care enough
for the both of us.
Aw.
I think.
The only thing worse
than visiting the DMV
is working in the DMV.
And you make that
almost tolerable.
Trying not to cry.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry about Noa.
Yeah.
That was never a date, was it?
But, you know, I'm-I'm beginning
to think the only way
he's gonna figure out
that I'm the best
is if he tries everyone else
out there first.
Wow.
You really never give up.
Yeah. Thank you.
-No, it's not a compliment.
-Oh.
-Felt like one.
-Want to talk about
-those medicated insoles?
-Nope.
-Poop? Right in the fridge?
-Yep.
Oh, my God!
Colette! No! Don't leave us!
She's not leaving us!
-Don't do that.
-Well, then, let me finish.
I wrote a little something.
Okay.
"Colette.
"The 'C' stands for 'cool.'
The 'A' stands for 'awesome.'"
-It's an "O."
-"The 'L'"
-"O"?
-"O."
It kind of needs to be an "A"
or the whole thing falls apart.
Well
I'm parched.
You guys want to go get bobas?
-Yeah. Sounds good.
-Yeah.
I'm gonna get a Thai iced tea
with extra balls.
-Yeah.
-Shotgun!
I'm already sitting shotgun.
Colette, did he call it?
-He did not call it.
-What? -All right.
-Sorry. -Out you go, bud.
-I'm looking.
-I'm rolling down my window ♪
-Tee-hee-hee-hee.
And locking the door. ♪
-I'm locking the door.
-Yeah. All right, fine.
-No! Come on! Get out!
-Then I'm in. -Get out.
-No, you're gonna break the car.
-L-Let me in.
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access