Don't Forget the Driver (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
The Donkey Sanctuary
1
Bollocks.
Come on, hurry up!
Punctuality's really important.
- I'm ready!
- You're not ready.
- Where's my jacket?
- So you're not ready!
- Yes, I am!
- Kayla, come on!
Did you know you can
buy a car that works?
Did you know it costs money?
Did you know you can get
a job that pays more?
You can get a job at all.
Where do you think I'm going?
Where do you think I'm taking you?
Is this your girlfriend?
No, she isn't.
You ordered them.
- Barry ordered them.
- Yes.
I'm Peter, Mum.
Barry's in Australia, remember?
Married to Leanne?
Australian Leanne?
Barry's in Littlehampton.
Not for 17 years.
Well, how did he get
all these things here?
He ordered them online in Australia.
He does it every week.
- And they fly them here?
- No, Nan.
I don't want these nappies,
I'm not a baby.
They're pads for your bed,
to keep 'em dry.
I think I'm going
to go wait in the car.
You wanted one bag of 30,
and Barry's got you 30 packs of 30.
- That's very generous of him.
- It's a mistake, Mum.
Barry's made another mistake.
So what are you going to do about it?
Kill Barry, I suppose.
Uncle Baz bought 30 packs of piss pads!
Uncle Baz IS 30 packs of piss pads!
- You could've helped put 'em away.
- I needed to get to work.
Bloody hell, Kay.
What?
What?!
What, mate? What?
What is wrong? What is
so important that you have to?
- Get out my way!
- No, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Hammer, hammer, hammer.
Hammer! Agh!
What's going on?
Hammer, hammer, hammer. Come on!
- It's all right. He's going, he's going.
- Make up your mind.
Wanker!
- What is wrong with you, Dad? Seriously?
- I'm tired.
- I'm tired. I'm tired.
- Will you just shut up?
- I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired
- Shut up! - ..I'm tired, I'm tired.
- Shut up!
- I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired
Argh!
All right, Joy?
This is my house.
It's mine.
- So, are you going to change the name?
- Don't know.
A bit of a memorial to him, I suppose.
Bit shit, though as a memorial.
Do you know what she's told
her employment support worker?
She's looking for opportunities
in international development.
This is bullshit!
Any word from her mum?
First year she hasn't sent
Kay a birthday card.
Aw.
She's old enough to deal with that.
Punishing me.
Who, Kayla?
Her mum.
Anyway, just as long
as she doesn't poison anyone.
Her mum?
Kayla!
It's handy for me, though.
At least while we get
handsome here sorted out.
Eh, Kier, get you sorted out?
All right, Kieran?
Cool!
Where is it today, then?
- Acapulco.
- Oh, nice!
Donkey sanctuary.
Good luck, then, Kayla!
Don't burn them sausages!
Right!
Oi-oi!
You get everything
sorted last night? Dunkirk?
Eh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Enjoy Monkey World, Dave.
..Some try to tell me
Thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to ♪
..Yes, I love you
Oh, how I love you
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Ah!
What have you done?
Shave, shower, shit.
There isn't a shower.
I wipe everywhere.
I don't want to know.
Sink, everything.
Look, that is not the point, Lech.
Point is, this is a coach,
it's not a house. It's my coach.
I may not own it,
but I'm responsible for it.
I drive it, I take care of it,
and if I damage it,
I have to pay for the damage.
YOU service it.
You don't sleep in it and
And you don't shower in it.
Yes!
Ah!
Donkey.
Yeah, donkey sanctuary, yes.
Yes. In Poland, they call me Donkey.
Really? Why?
Because
No, no, no. Don't tell me.
There is no sanctuary for me.
You're living in my coach!
Thank you!
Come on.
Come on!
Get in!
Unbelievable.
You fucking wait there!
Identify yourself!
Good morning, Mrs Green.
My name is Alison Scott.
You've been referred by your GP,
remember?
Can you come back tomorrow?
But we have an appointment!
I'll need to see your papers.
Looks like you've been busy, Mrs Green.
With all this insulation,
I thought I'd get on with
the job myself.
Well, it'll certainly
keep you dry, Mrs Green.
Morning, ladies and gents.
I'm just going to tick your names
off and then we'll be on our way.
- Now, Driver - Yes, madam?
- I telephoned your head office.
- There's only one office.
- We thought you'd forgotten about us.
I'm very sorry for
the uh slight delay.
Chop-chop, everybody!
Morning.
Sorry.
Right, you've swapped with me now,
haven't you?
Oh, look.
Astrid, come here, darling.
Sit down.
Oh, uh, rear seat's reserved today,
young fella.
Dad!
- Kid always likes the back-seat, you see.
- Not on this occasion.
Plenty of other seats.
Plenty of room for everyone.
Righto, folks, um
Please all remember that you are
Bassetts' greatest assets
and let's all buckle up, shall we?
Buckle up.
Oh
Oh, the stench of this!
- They don't put the brain back in the head.
- They bag it up?
- Just stuff it back in the cavity.
- They're teaching you loads!
There's two teas,
milk's just down there.
- So, that guy on the beach?
- Which one?
The one in Bognor.
There'll be bits of him
all over the place by now.
What are you talking about?
Well, his teeth will be in
Chichester, for the dental records.
His hands'll be in Worthing, maybe.
His balls'll be in Barnham.
Nothing special about the balls, Kay.
Nothing special about Barnham, Brad.
This is grim!
Yeah, I'll take my dead
bodies over this any day!
These are dead bodies.
Do you know, a lot of people
don't realise
what a religious animal the donkey is.
Well, I, uh
If you think of Christ,
you think of a dove
or a lamb, don't you?
In group, we thought
we should honour the humble donkey
for the service it gave our
Lord on Palm Sunday,
so we've adopted one.
So, um, what's it called,
this donkey of yours?
Big Jock.
Can it be that there's some sort
of error?
Hard to stop the surmounting terror
Is it really the end of some
crazy dream? ♪
Oh, this is disgusting!
..Tell me that I'm dreaming
It's not so easy to stop
from screaming
The words escape me when
I try to speak ♪
- Little donkey
- Little donkey
- Little donkey
- Little donkey
On a dusty road ♪
Come on, Bobby, give it some!
..Got to keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load
Little donkey, little don ♪
..Keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load ♪
Just two hours here, folks.
Chance for you to spend
some time with Big Jock
and grab a bite to eat.
And don't forget, wash your hands after
you've had a feel um, a touch.
Touched one.
T-T-Touched a donkey.
Oh
Excuse me?
Is there a problem?
Does she come with us?
No. She's, um
She's just, um
Um
She's not with you, then?
Yes.
- I-I-I mean, in a way.
- She's staying in here?
- Yeah, she'll be fine.
- She could do with a breath of air.
I'm popping out
to get her something to eat.
- Why don't we give her some peace and quiet?
- Is she your girlfriend?
- You don't ask questions like that.
- Exactly.
- Oh, she is? - What?
- Your girlfriend?
No, no. I-I'm just the driver.
Come on, out we go.
Out we go.
If you like.
You stay.
We
You know.
Hello?
Hello. Is that Barry Green?
No, it's his brother. Peter.
Is Barry around?
He's in Australia.
Well, when will he be back?
He lives there. Who is this?
Oh, this is Alison Scott.
I'm a community health nurse.
Your mum said to contact Barry
and gave me this number.
- What's this about?
- It's about your mother, Mr Green.
I'm concerned she's not fending
for herself too well at the moment.
The thing is,
I'm here with the donkeys.
Why not become a donkey adopter?
Who can fail to fall
for our four-legged friends?
Each one of the cute
creatures you see today
Big Jock?
Big Jock, where are you?
..Each one of the cute creatures
you see today comes to us
with their own story of neglect.
Abandoned, malnourished and abused,
we work hard to bring back the shine
back to their coats
and a twinkle to their eyes.
By adopting a donkey,
you guarantee they will never
have to go without again.
Also get a free apple
when you spend over £3.
Ee-aw!
You're lovely boys, aren't you?
Aren't you?
Hello?
Bonjour?
Wakey-wakey!
Oh, hello, Morris.
Yeah, I'm at the
Island Farm Donkey Sanctuary.
Yeah.
I
Uh
Eh.
Eh
Ploughman's! Ploughman's!
Ploughman's.
Sandwich.
Thank you.
You OK?
Bit of a headache.
There he is!
Fuck off!
What, are you going to come here
with the money?
Yeah? Fuck that, man.
Nah!
She's not fucking hard to miss,
is she? I'm not a dick!
Got a burger, love?
- Grill's off, I'm afraid.
- What did you say?
- Are you talking to me?
- What?
- What?
- Shut up a minute.
She'll be miles away by now, eh?
Burger.
We're closed.
Well, who is the other driver?
Postman Pat.
Just a butty, or something.
It's closed!
Well, call Mr Martin, mate.
I don't have Mr Martin's number.
Are you being funny?
Are you being rude?
Hold on, mate. I'm dealing with
a mongol here, Ade.
What did you just say?
Give us one of them flapjacks.
Oi!
Give me one of them flapjacks!
Give us a Wagon Wheel! Oi!
I wasn't fucking hungry anyway!
Fuck you!
- Hello?
- Dad!
- Yeah. Kay?
- Fran said she'd pick me up at three.
I've got the takings and everything.
What do you want me to do about it?
I'm at work.
Can you come and pick me up?
Kayla, I'm in Oxfordshire!
I can't just come and get you.
You're 20 years old,
for goodness' sake.
- What a stimulating visit!
- Sorry, could you just give me a minute?
- They're such endearing creatures, aren't they?
- Dad?
Kayla, there's something
up with my Bluetooth.
I don't know how anyone
could be so mean to them.
I'm sorry, could I just have a sec?
Kay, phone Fran.
I have done.
The thing is, you're on loudspeaker
and I've got the Baptists.
I'll walk.
It's a long way to come,
but worth every minute.
No, don't walk, Kay.
Kay?
Oi!
Is your girlfriend up yet?
What?
Oh, yeah, he's kept
her under lock and key!
Kay?
Big Jock was very excited to see us.
- What?
- Turns out he's not so big after all.
Piss off!
Hello, everyone!
This is Lyn on the microphone.
- Well, it's actually not for
- Can you hear me in the middle?
Yes!
- Can you hear me at the back?
- Yes!
We're focusing on
Christian Aid next month.
Enough donkeys for now.
We are still collecting
for the food bank in Argyle Road
and there's a box at the back
of the church
for anything you can spare.
Enough of that!
Oh, I nearly forgot!
Bobby
Where are you, Bobby?
Hello!
Bobby is giving a talk on beekeeping
at the Regis School of Dance
on the 12th.
There'll be a collection
with Bobby in the lobby
for the Bumblebee Conservation
Trust, Bognor branch.
Kay?
Hello, Joy.
Looney-tunes.
Right.
No idea where she is.
Fabulous!
- Race you.
- Ooh!
Oh, my God!
Are you sick?
Thank you!
Say, "Thank you, Driver."
Donkey says, "Thank you, Driver."
Don't be childish!
Thank you very much, then.
In future, just allow
a little more time.
I'll let head office know.
Listen, this isn't my vehicle.
It's not mine.
I didn't know you were
in the coach in Calais.
Calais, yes.
Hmm. You you could get me in
trouble.
So you have to get off now, huh?
I have to take the coach back
to the yard or else they'll,
you know, they'll prosecute me.
So You understand?
If you need help,
you should go to the police.
Go to the police.
No police, no.
Well, I-I-I can't help you any more.
Huh? I wish I could.
You understand?
Yep.
You'll be OK, huh?
OK?
Wait!
Wait!
Here.
Bollocks.
Bollocks.
Oh, bollocks.
Bollocks.
Bollocks.
Bollocks time.
Bollocks.
Come on, hurry up!
Punctuality's really important.
- I'm ready!
- You're not ready.
- Where's my jacket?
- So you're not ready!
- Yes, I am!
- Kayla, come on!
Did you know you can
buy a car that works?
Did you know it costs money?
Did you know you can get
a job that pays more?
You can get a job at all.
Where do you think I'm going?
Where do you think I'm taking you?
Is this your girlfriend?
No, she isn't.
You ordered them.
- Barry ordered them.
- Yes.
I'm Peter, Mum.
Barry's in Australia, remember?
Married to Leanne?
Australian Leanne?
Barry's in Littlehampton.
Not for 17 years.
Well, how did he get
all these things here?
He ordered them online in Australia.
He does it every week.
- And they fly them here?
- No, Nan.
I don't want these nappies,
I'm not a baby.
They're pads for your bed,
to keep 'em dry.
I think I'm going
to go wait in the car.
You wanted one bag of 30,
and Barry's got you 30 packs of 30.
- That's very generous of him.
- It's a mistake, Mum.
Barry's made another mistake.
So what are you going to do about it?
Kill Barry, I suppose.
Uncle Baz bought 30 packs of piss pads!
Uncle Baz IS 30 packs of piss pads!
- You could've helped put 'em away.
- I needed to get to work.
Bloody hell, Kay.
What?
What?!
What, mate? What?
What is wrong? What is
so important that you have to?
- Get out my way!
- No, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Hammer, hammer, hammer.
Hammer! Agh!
What's going on?
Hammer, hammer, hammer. Come on!
- It's all right. He's going, he's going.
- Make up your mind.
Wanker!
- What is wrong with you, Dad? Seriously?
- I'm tired.
- I'm tired. I'm tired.
- Will you just shut up?
- I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired
- Shut up! - ..I'm tired, I'm tired.
- Shut up!
- I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired
Argh!
All right, Joy?
This is my house.
It's mine.
- So, are you going to change the name?
- Don't know.
A bit of a memorial to him, I suppose.
Bit shit, though as a memorial.
Do you know what she's told
her employment support worker?
She's looking for opportunities
in international development.
This is bullshit!
Any word from her mum?
First year she hasn't sent
Kay a birthday card.
Aw.
She's old enough to deal with that.
Punishing me.
Who, Kayla?
Her mum.
Anyway, just as long
as she doesn't poison anyone.
Her mum?
Kayla!
It's handy for me, though.
At least while we get
handsome here sorted out.
Eh, Kier, get you sorted out?
All right, Kieran?
Cool!
Where is it today, then?
- Acapulco.
- Oh, nice!
Donkey sanctuary.
Good luck, then, Kayla!
Don't burn them sausages!
Right!
Oi-oi!
You get everything
sorted last night? Dunkirk?
Eh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Enjoy Monkey World, Dave.
..Some try to tell me
Thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to ♪
..Yes, I love you
Oh, how I love you
Oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Ah!
What have you done?
Shave, shower, shit.
There isn't a shower.
I wipe everywhere.
I don't want to know.
Sink, everything.
Look, that is not the point, Lech.
Point is, this is a coach,
it's not a house. It's my coach.
I may not own it,
but I'm responsible for it.
I drive it, I take care of it,
and if I damage it,
I have to pay for the damage.
YOU service it.
You don't sleep in it and
And you don't shower in it.
Yes!
Ah!
Donkey.
Yeah, donkey sanctuary, yes.
Yes. In Poland, they call me Donkey.
Really? Why?
Because
No, no, no. Don't tell me.
There is no sanctuary for me.
You're living in my coach!
Thank you!
Come on.
Come on!
Get in!
Unbelievable.
You fucking wait there!
Identify yourself!
Good morning, Mrs Green.
My name is Alison Scott.
You've been referred by your GP,
remember?
Can you come back tomorrow?
But we have an appointment!
I'll need to see your papers.
Looks like you've been busy, Mrs Green.
With all this insulation,
I thought I'd get on with
the job myself.
Well, it'll certainly
keep you dry, Mrs Green.
Morning, ladies and gents.
I'm just going to tick your names
off and then we'll be on our way.
- Now, Driver - Yes, madam?
- I telephoned your head office.
- There's only one office.
- We thought you'd forgotten about us.
I'm very sorry for
the uh slight delay.
Chop-chop, everybody!
Morning.
Sorry.
Right, you've swapped with me now,
haven't you?
Oh, look.
Astrid, come here, darling.
Sit down.
Oh, uh, rear seat's reserved today,
young fella.
Dad!
- Kid always likes the back-seat, you see.
- Not on this occasion.
Plenty of other seats.
Plenty of room for everyone.
Righto, folks, um
Please all remember that you are
Bassetts' greatest assets
and let's all buckle up, shall we?
Buckle up.
Oh
Oh, the stench of this!
- They don't put the brain back in the head.
- They bag it up?
- Just stuff it back in the cavity.
- They're teaching you loads!
There's two teas,
milk's just down there.
- So, that guy on the beach?
- Which one?
The one in Bognor.
There'll be bits of him
all over the place by now.
What are you talking about?
Well, his teeth will be in
Chichester, for the dental records.
His hands'll be in Worthing, maybe.
His balls'll be in Barnham.
Nothing special about the balls, Kay.
Nothing special about Barnham, Brad.
This is grim!
Yeah, I'll take my dead
bodies over this any day!
These are dead bodies.
Do you know, a lot of people
don't realise
what a religious animal the donkey is.
Well, I, uh
If you think of Christ,
you think of a dove
or a lamb, don't you?
In group, we thought
we should honour the humble donkey
for the service it gave our
Lord on Palm Sunday,
so we've adopted one.
So, um, what's it called,
this donkey of yours?
Big Jock.
Can it be that there's some sort
of error?
Hard to stop the surmounting terror
Is it really the end of some
crazy dream? ♪
Oh, this is disgusting!
..Tell me that I'm dreaming
It's not so easy to stop
from screaming
The words escape me when
I try to speak ♪
- Little donkey
- Little donkey
- Little donkey
- Little donkey
On a dusty road ♪
Come on, Bobby, give it some!
..Got to keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load
Little donkey, little don ♪
..Keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load ♪
Just two hours here, folks.
Chance for you to spend
some time with Big Jock
and grab a bite to eat.
And don't forget, wash your hands after
you've had a feel um, a touch.
Touched one.
T-T-Touched a donkey.
Oh
Excuse me?
Is there a problem?
Does she come with us?
No. She's, um
She's just, um
Um
She's not with you, then?
Yes.
- I-I-I mean, in a way.
- She's staying in here?
- Yeah, she'll be fine.
- She could do with a breath of air.
I'm popping out
to get her something to eat.
- Why don't we give her some peace and quiet?
- Is she your girlfriend?
- You don't ask questions like that.
- Exactly.
- Oh, she is? - What?
- Your girlfriend?
No, no. I-I'm just the driver.
Come on, out we go.
Out we go.
If you like.
You stay.
We
You know.
Hello?
Hello. Is that Barry Green?
No, it's his brother. Peter.
Is Barry around?
He's in Australia.
Well, when will he be back?
He lives there. Who is this?
Oh, this is Alison Scott.
I'm a community health nurse.
Your mum said to contact Barry
and gave me this number.
- What's this about?
- It's about your mother, Mr Green.
I'm concerned she's not fending
for herself too well at the moment.
The thing is,
I'm here with the donkeys.
Why not become a donkey adopter?
Who can fail to fall
for our four-legged friends?
Each one of the cute
creatures you see today
Big Jock?
Big Jock, where are you?
..Each one of the cute creatures
you see today comes to us
with their own story of neglect.
Abandoned, malnourished and abused,
we work hard to bring back the shine
back to their coats
and a twinkle to their eyes.
By adopting a donkey,
you guarantee they will never
have to go without again.
Also get a free apple
when you spend over £3.
Ee-aw!
You're lovely boys, aren't you?
Aren't you?
Hello?
Bonjour?
Wakey-wakey!
Oh, hello, Morris.
Yeah, I'm at the
Island Farm Donkey Sanctuary.
Yeah.
I
Uh
Eh.
Eh
Ploughman's! Ploughman's!
Ploughman's.
Sandwich.
Thank you.
You OK?
Bit of a headache.
There he is!
Fuck off!
What, are you going to come here
with the money?
Yeah? Fuck that, man.
Nah!
She's not fucking hard to miss,
is she? I'm not a dick!
Got a burger, love?
- Grill's off, I'm afraid.
- What did you say?
- Are you talking to me?
- What?
- What?
- Shut up a minute.
She'll be miles away by now, eh?
Burger.
We're closed.
Well, who is the other driver?
Postman Pat.
Just a butty, or something.
It's closed!
Well, call Mr Martin, mate.
I don't have Mr Martin's number.
Are you being funny?
Are you being rude?
Hold on, mate. I'm dealing with
a mongol here, Ade.
What did you just say?
Give us one of them flapjacks.
Oi!
Give me one of them flapjacks!
Give us a Wagon Wheel! Oi!
I wasn't fucking hungry anyway!
Fuck you!
- Hello?
- Dad!
- Yeah. Kay?
- Fran said she'd pick me up at three.
I've got the takings and everything.
What do you want me to do about it?
I'm at work.
Can you come and pick me up?
Kayla, I'm in Oxfordshire!
I can't just come and get you.
You're 20 years old,
for goodness' sake.
- What a stimulating visit!
- Sorry, could you just give me a minute?
- They're such endearing creatures, aren't they?
- Dad?
Kayla, there's something
up with my Bluetooth.
I don't know how anyone
could be so mean to them.
I'm sorry, could I just have a sec?
Kay, phone Fran.
I have done.
The thing is, you're on loudspeaker
and I've got the Baptists.
I'll walk.
It's a long way to come,
but worth every minute.
No, don't walk, Kay.
Kay?
Oi!
Is your girlfriend up yet?
What?
Oh, yeah, he's kept
her under lock and key!
Kay?
Big Jock was very excited to see us.
- What?
- Turns out he's not so big after all.
Piss off!
Hello, everyone!
This is Lyn on the microphone.
- Well, it's actually not for
- Can you hear me in the middle?
Yes!
- Can you hear me at the back?
- Yes!
We're focusing on
Christian Aid next month.
Enough donkeys for now.
We are still collecting
for the food bank in Argyle Road
and there's a box at the back
of the church
for anything you can spare.
Enough of that!
Oh, I nearly forgot!
Bobby
Where are you, Bobby?
Hello!
Bobby is giving a talk on beekeeping
at the Regis School of Dance
on the 12th.
There'll be a collection
with Bobby in the lobby
for the Bumblebee Conservation
Trust, Bognor branch.
Kay?
Hello, Joy.
Looney-tunes.
Right.
No idea where she is.
Fabulous!
- Race you.
- Ooh!
Oh, my God!
Are you sick?
Thank you!
Say, "Thank you, Driver."
Donkey says, "Thank you, Driver."
Don't be childish!
Thank you very much, then.
In future, just allow
a little more time.
I'll let head office know.
Listen, this isn't my vehicle.
It's not mine.
I didn't know you were
in the coach in Calais.
Calais, yes.
Hmm. You you could get me in
trouble.
So you have to get off now, huh?
I have to take the coach back
to the yard or else they'll,
you know, they'll prosecute me.
So You understand?
If you need help,
you should go to the police.
Go to the police.
No police, no.
Well, I-I-I can't help you any more.
Huh? I wish I could.
You understand?
Yep.
You'll be OK, huh?
OK?
Wait!
Wait!
Here.
Bollocks.
Bollocks.
Oh, bollocks.
Bollocks.
Bollocks.
Bollocks time.