Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[hip-hop music]
- New Yorkers have always
loved block parties.
You can hang out with everyone
in your neighborhood,
and best of all,
you didn't have to invite them
into your house.
The block party is on Saturday!
- Uh, doy.
- I'm gonna win
the hot dog eating contest.
The trick is not to chew.
[gagging]
- Guess again, Drew.
- [coughs]
- I volunteered you and Tonya
to look after the younger kids.
- What? It's not fair.
Ah!
- Is it fair I work two jobs?
Is it fair Arbor Day
is my only day off?
[all sigh]
- My dad was like Candyman,
but we summoned him
by saying, "It's not fair."
- Is it fair I have to spend
the whole block party
on the grill?
- He had to grill,
because he was
the only daddy on the block.
Except for this guy.
all: Hey, Daddy.
- More importantly,
is it fair I never
get done grilling
in time to get some
of your mama's mac and cheese?
- What can I say?
It goes so fast.
Like every car that gets
parked on our block,
it's gone in 60 seconds.
- You just love being treated
like a queen for a day,
don't you?
- Nuh-uh, Mr. Grill Master.
You're the one who loves
being treated like the king
of the neighborhood.
- Because outside
the neighborhood,
he got treated
like Rodney King.
- What I like is making sure
everyone gets to eat.
That's what being a man
is all about--
providing.
- I appreciate everything
you've provided to me, Daddy.
- Oh, you're welcome, honey.
- But you still
have to babysit.
- What's Chris gonna do?
- Whatever I want.
I'm a grown man.
[laughter]
- You thought you--
he said he was a man!
- I didn't get
another laugh that big
till I did Def Comedy Jam.
I wasn't joking.
I'm 17 now.
I'm basically a man.
- You want to be a man, huh?
OK, you're a man--
a garbage man.
Take our old mattress
out to the curb.
- It wasn't a Serta.
It was a sorta.
It's not fair.
Ah!
[upbeat hip-hop music]
[panting]
- Little dude
from across the street,
let me hold a dollar.
- Can you help a brotha out?
- Nah, you got it.
- What the--
[yelping]
While I was
trying to be a man,
the girl next door
had become a woman.
[sensual music]
♪
That was the mattress.
I mean, uh, hi, Tasha.
You look different.
- Really? How so?
- [laughs nervously]
You know,
you just seem so mature.
- I spent the summer
at sleepaway camp.
And I learned a lot.
- So are you going
to the block party?
- Yeah.
Maybe I'll see you there.
- Boobs!
You have boobs now!
Ah!
- Ooh, there go Rochelle.
I can't wait
for her mac and cheese.
- It stops me up,
but it's worth it.
- Hey, I asked for it
as my last meal
when I was on death row.
But I didn't get to have it
because I got pardoned.
- Don't worry.
There'll be plenty
for everyone--
who gets there early.
[dramatic music]
- Hey, Rochelle.
- Peaches, you're back.
- Oh, yeah.
Summer vacation
is over, but, girl,
I'm still on island time.
Mm!
- I thought you were in jail.
- Uh-huh, Rikers Island.
I could see the ocean
from my cell.
And girl, we made
daiquiris in a toilet.
Mm.
- It must have been hard
being away
from your daughter all summer.
- Nah, it was easy.
My oldest was in there, too.
I met her for the first time.
- First time?
Well, didn't you
give birth to her?
Never mind.
No, I meant being
away from Tasha.
- Oh, I just sent her
to sleepaway camp.
Why don't they have that
during the school year, huh?
- I can't imagine.
- Oh, I see we're
making mac and cheese.
Again.
- It's back by popular demand.
- Mm.
You know, you're not the only
one on the block who can cook.
Maybe I'll bring
something this year.
- Sure.
Just don't make
it in the toilet.
[school bell rings]
- Wait. Tasha Tasha?
I thought you were over her.
And I know she was over you.
- You don't understand.
Everything's different now.
- What, she has bigger boobs?
- Yeah, bigger boobs, yeah.
And when I asked if she was
going to the block party,
she said,
"Maybe I'll see you there."
- Dude, that's, like, girl code
for, "I want your body."
You're so in there.
- You really think
I have a shot?
I mean, she's so mature now.
- Then you need to be, too.
[cool hip-hop music]
♪
- Hm. Looking good, Chris.
Well, not good, but less bad.
- You're right.
I need Tasha
to see me as a man.
But not the kind who takes out
old stained mattresses.
- The kind
who stains mattresses.
- Ugh.
- What? I'm disgusting.
- Mm-mm-mm.
- Rochelle's coming.
- I've been waiting
all year for this.
- [groaning]
This mac, man.
It's got me, man.
That cheese just be calling me.
I just got to go to it.
- OK.
No more mac for Pookie.
Peaches, I didn't think
you'd actually bring anything.
But look at you!
- Oh, it's nothing much.
[dramatic musical sting]
- [gasps]
You made mac and cheese?
- Is that a problem?
- The problem is,
I make the mac and cheese.
- Oh.
[laughs]
Well, mine is like McDonald's,
and yours is more like
McDowell's.
But it's not
a competition, Rochelle.
- Oh, yes it was.
- Can't believe we're not
getting paid for this.
- I know.
Spending our whole day
keeping these kids safe.
[laughter]
- Whoa!
- Hey, get off!
That's our garbage.
- I just wanna jump on it.
- OK.
You can jump on it--
for a quarter.
- Whoa!
I can see into my apartment.
Why is my mom taking a bath
with the mailman?
[hip-hop music playing]
- H-hey.
Looking good, Chris.
- Chris, why are you
walking like that?
Did you sit on your nuts again?
- No.
[whispering]
I'm trying to be a man.
- You know that's lit, right?
- Oh!
Ah!
No, no.
Ah! Whew.
That wasn't a mattress.
[rock music]
♪
- Hi, Chris.
You know how cute
I always thought you were.
♪
- Chris, come help me
on the grill!
- Me? Now? Why?
- Because you want to be a man,
and men man the grill.
- It was a block party,
all right.
And I was the one
getting blocked.
- Don't flip it too soon.
The patty will
stick to the grill.
- [sighs]
- But don't flip it too late.
The patty will stick
to the grill.
It's a sticky grill.
- [groans]
- Ooh, look how gooey it is.
What's that?
- That's my mac and cheese.
- Uh-oh.
- It's fine.
You know how Peaches is
always trying to be like me.
- I just wish I had
the wisdom that comes
from being Rochelle's age.
- Well, bye.
- I want you
to enjoy it right here.
- Mm, mm!
Even better than I remember.
- Thanks, Nessa.
Now try hers.
- What?
Why?
- It'll be fun.
- What's in this?
- Elbows and government cheese.
- Mine has cheddar
and parmesan,
but it's not a competition.
Whose is better?
- Mm.
Uh, mm.
Can't tell yet.
Let me try some more.
Mm.
- What the--
- Can I get a burger,
medium rare?
[all gasp]
- [whispering]
This is a Black event.
You can only get it well done.
- But why?
- Because we couldn't afford
to get food poisoning.
But now that I'm rich,
I could just walk up to a cow
and bite it.
What are you doing here?
- What are you doing?
I thought you wanted
Tasha to see you
as a man, not a child--
Julia Child.
Hey-o!
- My dad's making me grill.
That's his idea of being a man.
- I think Tasha likes
their idea.
- Oh, come on!
I got to go talk to her.
- Chris, these hot dogs ain't
going to rotate themselves.
- Don't worry.
I got this.
Hey, Mr., uh, Chris' dad.
Why does Chris have to work
while everyone else has fun?
It's not fair that--
- Is it fair that they call it
the World Series
when it's just teams
from North America?
- Uh--
- Is it fair that
Neil Armstrong got
to walk on the Moon,
but Michael Collins had
to stay in the command module?
- Make it stop.
- Dad, I should go after Greg.
He's white.
Something could happen to him.
- Like what?
He's going to get
approved for a loan?
- There's no getting away
from my dad.
- Can't you just
tell him the truth?
That you're horny
for Tasha's boobies?
- Pfft. Yeah, right.
I guess I blew
my chance with her.
Greg?
- [whispering]
Sorry. She's just so hot now.
- Man.
[laughter and cheering]
- Whee!
Oof!
- Just as the cards foretold.
- I'm going to jump up to
Heaven and say hi to Grandma.
- Ducky, no!
- [grunts]
Whoa!
[splashes]
Aw, man!
- Yo, Big Edgar!
You gotta try this!
- Here, try mine.
- No thanks.
I--
- Well?
- It's good, OK?
Don't hurt me.
- [groans]
- Mm!
Mm, mm.
Mm-mm-mm.
- Spit it out, Mr. Omar.
Or you'll be planning
your own funeral.
- Yo, man,
you going to eat that?
- Let me make you
a plate, sweetie.
- Oh, no. I'm good.
- It's a crime
to let this go to waste.
- Thank you, Risky.
That means a lot.
- I got Peaches' famous
mac and cheese here.
No line. $5.
Way better than Rochelle's.
- [laughs]
- [sighs]
[funky music playing]
♪
- I think I've got it.
[siren wailing]
- Five-O!
- Attention, citizens.
You--
- Side, close, side.
Oh, damn it.
- I don't know
what's going on here.
But that kid's
one hell of a dancer.
- Wait, wait!
A boy fell in a manhole.
- Accidentally.
It was no one's fault.
But you have to wonder,
where were the parents?
- It's Baby Jessica
all over again.
I'm going to be
on the "Today" show.
Describe the victim.
- About 4'8".
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe 90 pounds.
- Uh-huh.
- Black.
[tires squeal]
- Grilled to perfection.
Thank you, Mr. Julius.
- I didn't cook that.
It was Chris.
- Little dude
from across the street,
you got a tip jar?
- Uh, yeah.
Right here.
- You know
I don't have it on me.
- Feels good to be a man,
doesn't it?
- Yeah.
- I've got something for you.
- The big piece of chicken!
[gasps]
- Well done.
Get it?
Well done?
[laughs]
- Thank God I got
my mom's sense of humor.
- You're ready to man
the grill by yourself.
- Where are you going?
- To finally get some of
your mama's mac and cheese.
- You sure you don't want
to try some, Rochelle?
It's about to run out,
and then all we gonna have left
is your whole tray.
- I don't eat
government cheese.
- OK, you know what?
This is a competition,
and I am winning.
So why do you keep acting
like you're better than me?
- Maybe because I didn't
spend the summer in jail
for public intoxication.
- It was public nudity!
And it wasn't my fault.
I was drunk.
- That's what
intoxication means!
- Ugh! You are so stuck up.
- Rochelle, this is the best
mac and cheese I've ever had.
- [laughs]
That's actually
my mac and cheese.
- [gasps]
- Uh-oh.
- Would you care
for seconds, Julius?
- What have I done?
- I do not need this!
My mac has two cheeses!
- Ducky!
We brought you some food.
Here, catch.
- Ooh, a hot dog!
I can eat these so fast.
The trick is not to chew.
- Ducky, no!
- [gagging]
- We got to tell Mom.
- No.
There has to be another way.
- I think I've got it!
Side, close, side, tap.
- Greg, no!
- Look out!
- [screams]
- [coughs]
I'm OK!
- I'm not!
- You the man, Chris.
- Tasha.
- Hey.
I thought we were
going to hang out.
Kind of felt like
you were ignoring me.
- Ignoring you?
I've been thinking
about you all day.
Don't say that out loud!
- Really?
I've been thinking
about you all day too.
- Never mind.
You do you.
Oh, do you want to hang out
after the block party?
- How about right now?
My mom got in some huge fight
over macaroni and cheese,
so my apartment's empty.
Maybe I'll see you there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[whispering]
What do I do?
- You are ready to man
the grill by yourself.
- And I learned a lot
at sleepaway camp.
- You the man, Chris.
- The kind
that stains mattresses.
- Forget about being a man.
- You're ready to be a daddy.
- Why are you grilling me?
I can feel pain.
- Ah!
Grill's closed.
Tasha, wait up!
- Chris, you better not
bring home no babies!
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- Baby, what's wrong?
- Everyone on this block
has lost
their damn minds, that's what.
I'm the only sane one left.
- Mm-hmm.
- Look, I know it's stupid,
but I miss being treated
like a queen for a day.
- It's not stupid.
Why do you think I do
the grilling every year?
- So you can sell
the leftover meat
to that Chinese restaurant?
- Well, yeah.
But also, I like being
the king of the neighborhood.
Peaches may be
the queen for today,
but you're a queen every day.
My queen.
- Thank you, baby. But damn!
Not even one person liked
my mac and cheese better?
- Well, I still
haven't tried it.
Oh, my Lord!
- You're just saying that.
- God damn!
Mm-mm-mm!
- I'm so glad
we're finally alone.
- Me too.
- I tried a lot of new things
at sleepaway camp.
Want to see what I can do
with my tongue?
- This girl was a freak!
- [speaking tongues]
- This girl was a freak!
What are you doing?
- Speaking in tongues.
I got the Holy Ghost, Chris.
At church camp!
- You went
to sleepaway church camp?
So why did you want
to be alone with me?
- To talk to you
about getting saved.
What did you think
I wanted to do?
- Don't make me say it.
I'll get in trouble.
- I've seen you staring
at my boobs, Chris.
You've given in to the
temptations of the flesh.
- Uh, I just--
you said you were
thinking about me all day.
- I was praying for you.
I want you to come
to church with me, Chris.
[all speaking tongues]
- I'll think about it.
I thought about it, and nope!
Well, see ya!
[door slams]
- A white kid fell
in a manhole!
- All units, this is
a level 4 mobilization.
I need EMS, ESU, medevac,
HAZMAT, and SWAT.
I'm going to meet
Willard Scott.
[both sigh]
- Mm, mm, mm, mm.
The grill!
The big piece of chicken!
$37.90 worth of leftover meat!
Chris!
[sirens wailing]
- Uh, five-O, five-O, five-O!
- You're not going
to put that out?
- There's a white child
in a hole!
- I gotta do everything myself.
- It's been a harrowing four
minutes since a white child
fell into this manhole,
and all of New York
is demanding to know how much
longer the rescue will take.
- A Black kid fell in first.
- Ah, ah.
I'm getting reports now
that something may have
broken the white child's fall.
[both sigh]
- Oh, snap!
Dad, I'm sorry.
- How could you leave
the grill unattended?
Where were you?
- At Tasha's.
- Doing what?
- [sighs]
Nothing, as usual.
I got rejected.
Anyway, I'm ready
for my punishment now.
- You know,
I was young once, too.
I get how it feels
when a girl shoots you down.
So how bad was it?
- She spoke in tongues,
and now she wants me
to go to church with her.
- I think
she's good for you, Chris.
- Wait, for real?
- Your mama shot me down
at first too.
But a real man knows the right
woman is worth the effort.
- Did Mom ever
make you do anything
you didn't want to do?
Yeah, have kids!
- Peaches.
You win.
- Yeah! In your face!
I'm the queen of this bitch!
- How could anyone
like government cheese?
You put crack in there,
I know it!
- I may not use
fancy ingredients,
but food is more
of a feeling than a flavor.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Come on. Just try it.
- What's wrong
with your cheese, Rochelle?
It's not melting.
- It's government cheese.
That's what you get
when your family's poor.
[laughter]
- She's poor!
[laughter]
- I don't hate
government cheese.
I just hated the way
other people
made me feel for eating it.
- Girl, I know
what it's like to be judged.
- And sentenced.
- And here I was,
making you feel less than.
- What you mean, less than?
Like how everyone liked your
mac and cheese less than mine?
[laughs]
- Well, I tried.
Oops.
[dramatic music]
- I got T-shirts here. $10.
[all cheering]
- They saved the white boy!
- Yeah!
- Oh, yeah!
- Breaking news!
The white child has
been rescued, finally.
How scary was it
to fall into the sewer
in a Black neighborhood?
- Wait. Am I on TV?
If there are any
hot babes watching,
will you please go out with me?
You will not be disappointed.
I have scoliosis,
so I'm super flexible.
- Ugh!
- You nasty.
- Did he just say that?
- Ew.
- Ducky, you're OK.
- I want the quarters.
All of them.
- [scoffs]
Or what?
- Or I'm telling your mom.
[both sigh]
- Tasha, hey.
I thought about what you said,
and
I'll go to church
with you sometime.
- [gasps]
I'm so glad, Chris.
First we've got
to get you rebaptized.
- Uh, mm-hmm.
- You really think
she's good for Chris?
- Nope.
But at least he won't
bring home no babies.
- In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
- Wait. We're doing this now?
[blubbering]
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪
- MTV ♪