Frauds (2025) s01e02 Episode Script

Fancy seeing you here.
What are the chances?
What have the doctors said?
Cancer. Months, not years.
I wanna do one last job
with you before I die.
From Bert?
We keep her at a distance.
If your daughter rocks up,
what are you gonna offer her?
Half a dozen eggs
or the chance to be set for life?
You'll be clearing seven figures.
You gonna do it?
As long as I call the shots.
We are gonna steal
the Face of the Great Masturbator.
MUSIC: 'Symphony No. 9'
by Beethoven
IN SPANISH:
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
May peace be with you.
Whispers: May peace be with you.
Priest Murmuring
She rebches
Murmuring
The body of Christ.
The body of Christ.
Amen.
The body of Christ.
The body of Christ.
She Gasps,
Murmuring
CLAMURING
Speaks in Spanish
You ok?
Is She Sniffing HIS Bollocks?
That's the thing about great art.
You see something different
every time you look at it.
What's it about, then?
So, Dali was obsessed
with this Russian woman, Gala,
who he would eventually marry,
but at the time this was painted,
she was married
to the poet Paul Eluard.
Now, Eluard jibs off back
to Paris on his own -
some would say a foolhardy decision
on the account of the high chance
that Dali was gonna knob his missus
if left unattended.
Anyway, he did, and in the process,
this was painted.
There's all this guff about his
contradictory feelings towards sex,
but I think he saw a woman
having a wank and thought,
"Oi, oi, where's my paintbrush?"
Wow. You really have learned
all there is to know about art.
So, up your jumper
and down the stairs?
Well, we'll come to that.
First of all - my stroke of genius.
We're gonna execute a swap.
We're gonna get that off the wall
and replace it with a copy
that's so perfect,
not even the greatest art experts
would know it was a fake.
Go on.
I've made contact
with the world's greatest forger.
And how does one qualify
as the world's greatest forger?
If I could name all
of his forgeries,
he wouldn't be a very good forger,
would he?
Reputedly a boy genius.
The beauty of all of this
is if we can pull this off,
no-one need know
that a crime was even committed.
How do we get it out?
Oh, the finer details
are so tedious.
That's why I need you to help me.
Four cameras in each room.
Minimum of two security guards.
The Masturbator has a camera
trained on it 24/7.
Post-modern. Dali would love that.
She also sits next door
to the Guernica,
Spain's most famous painting.
So, scrutiny in this part
of the gallery is rather high.
Obviously, we do it all after hours.
No punters.
We'll have to swap the security feed
so no-one can see us going
about our business.
To do that,
we'll need a foolproof distraction.
What, like give them
the old one-two?
It's 2025 - I'm not sure
that still works.
Oh, come on. Tits is tits.
SAM CHUCKLES
All right, so we employ
a little more sophistication.
Anyone in mind?
Miss Take.
Look, she can pull the attention of
the guards while we swap the feed.
Bert, I know you're sick
and you think this is a good idea
..but we need someone we can trust,
and she doesn't trust us.
Therefore, we can't trust her.
I think she would use this
to get back at us for leaving her.
She's got a very long memory.
I'm sorry - no Miss Take.
OK, no Miss Take. But we still need
to put a team together.
We bring people in, we lose control.
Or we don't bring people in
and we fuck up.
No, we need a team.
And we need them in close proximity.
SAM SIGHS
We need to do this right.
I told you,
I need to make the decisions.
I want this whole thing
on a tight lead.
No, you want ME on a tight lead.
Yeah, with a muzzle on it.
Which would be nice.
Oh!
The fake - go on.
So, we break in at night,
and then we go up to the gallery
with the fake.
And we wait for our perfect moment.
What?
Sneak past all the guards
in our invisibility cloaks (?)
Well, I know a woman
who can help with that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jackie Diamond?
Mm.
So, Jackie helps us
get in undetected?
Yeah. She'll disable the lasers and
help get the painting off the wall.
The alarm is triggered
by a change of weight.
ALARM BLARES
So it needs to be deactivated?
Or we counterbalance the painting.
Oh, that's much trickier.
Which is why we need
Jackie's expertise.
SAM SIGHS
She's been doing these tricks
for 30 years.
And then if we can pull that off,
we take the real painting
to the gift shop,
marked for collection.
Hola. La collection?
'The next day, they unwittingly
hand over the real Masturbator.'
And we just walk out of here?
Yep.
With a ten-million-euro painting
under our arm
that no-one even knows
has been stolen.
It's gonna be a lot of work.
We're gonna need a Plan A,
and, if we've learnt anything,
we need a Plan B and a Plan C.
Yeah, and just in case - Plan D.
SAM LAUGHS
What?
You're off your rocker.
Yeah, but you love it, though,
don't you?
What's not to love?
Ah, if we bring anyone in,
they're gonna need paying.
Have you got any funds?
I had a matador costume
that was worth 200 grand,
but someone decided to return it.
And the forger needs paying
before he starts work,
so got any bright ideas
how we can make some quick money?
HE SIGHS
Do you know anyone else?
He was it, and he was a long shot.
You haven't got any other contacts?
No, I told you, I don't know anyone.
That's not how I live any more.
I'm just struggling to believe
that you woke up every day
for the last ten years
with infinite possibilities
stretched out in front of you,
and you thought, "What am I gonna do
with all my lovely time
"and all my lovely freedom?
"I know, I'm gonna go
and feed the pigs."
Before I went inside, you were
hell-bent on finding Caitlin.
Don't.
What?
Say her name.
Well, did you get anywhere?
No.
Sorry.
Don't be.
How hard can it be
to track her down, though?
What is this, Bert? Mastermind?
Specialist subject, the daughter
I gave up for adoption at birth?
If it is your specialist subject,
you're not very good at it.
It wasn't a legal adoption,
it was through the Church.
You know that.
Yeah, I know.
I've contacted them,
but there's no way of finding her,
because there's no record.
So I've left letters,
so if she wanted to find me,
she would know how,
but it has to be her decision.
So do a DNA test.
SAM SIGHS
Cos then if you're in the system
and she does one,
you get a notification - boom.
Put my fingerprint into a database?
More chance of the police turning up
at my door than my daughter.
Well, what if she does rock up?
What's she gonna think about you
living like Goat Peter
on the side of a mountain?
Maybe I could help you.
No. Under no circumstances.
OK.
What about Miss Take?
It's a no for the job, but she can
sell the jewellery for us.
No! Bert, I know
she means a lot to you,
but there's a reason
why we left her.
She played mummy when it suited her,
but she's a user. Fine!
What? I've just said I'm not going,
so I'm not going.
Still got to sell those, though.
And we're agreed on Jackie, right?
OK. Let's get her on the hook.
SAM AND BERT LAUGH
SAM WOLF-WHISTLES
THEY LAUGH
Always said your vagina
could light up a room.
I got your letter.
Whatever you're planning,
I'm not interested.
How much?
Fuck-off money.
Well, that depends on how much value
one puts on fucking off.
Everyone's got a price.
What's yours?
That's not how it works.
You come to me with a price
if you want my services,
and then we talk.
We need to run the numbers.
Well, maybe get your ducks in a row
before you make an approach.
That's not a no.
But this is - no.
Why?
I'm settled. I'm happy.
SAM SCOFFS
And it's too risky.
It always is with you two.
And ten years without a peep
from either of you
has been very peaceful - thank you.
You'd be behind the scenes.
If anything happens,
it won't come back on you.
OK. It's good seeing you.
Stay lucky.
500,000.
It's a ballpark figure,
but I guess we'll have to get some
other magician to build our rig.
Bullshit.
It's still a no!
What do you think our chances are?
She'll buckle.
I saw the euro signs in her eyes.
Why didn't you tell her
you have cancer?
I mean, it might have helped.
Act mercenary? No.
I don't want everyone to know.
Well, people are gonna find out.
I'm feeling stronger now I'm out.
It's easier to manage.
Tiredness comes and goes, and
if it comes,
then I'll just make myself scarce.
It doesn't make you look weak,
admitting to it.
I think we both know that it does.
Look, I'll make you a deal.
If it gets too much,
I'll let you know,
but for now, let me just live
each day as it comes.
SAM SCOFFS,
LAUGHS
PHONE BUZZING
Ah. Crown jewels. Forger's landed.
First, we've got an appointment.
With who?
The buyer.
Hello.
Oh
Erm
Sorry.
Ooh! My knockers. Calm my nerves.
CLACKING
WHISPERS: Sorry.
Got it.
Yeah, I don't know,
I just feel like
I feel like
I've noticed a difference.
I'm having 150g of protein a day.
I set an alarm, 3am - have two chops
on a plate on my night stand.
My muscle gains have been
off the hook.
I thought you were here
to watch and learn?
I am! I am watching
Ah!
I am watching
Ah, ah!
"Watch" being the operative word.
Look who's at the front
of the queue.
You're joking, aren't you?
'Deegs?' You'll never guess
who's legged it to Spain.
'Go on.'
Bilal, that gambler
who owes us a hundred grand.
Little bastard.
Where's he gone?
Fuck knows.
CHILDREN PLAYING
You are here to meet Celine?
Yeah.
This can't be right.
Who is this buyer?
She's a feminist art collector
willing to spend millions
on a private collection.
Apparently, she collects pieces
where the muse has been exploited
by the artist.
This place is hardly screaming
"high art", is it?
Gracias.
Gracias.
TOY CAR SIREN BLARES
Where the fuck are we, Bert?
Do your kids like parrots?
Please, sit.
Ah. That's designer.
It's not meant for arse-parking.
OK
So why you?
Why don't I just wait
for Isabella to leave prison?
Isabella's got years to serve.
I can get you that painting
six weeks, tops.
And Isabella wants 15 million.
I want ten.
Yeah, but I don't know you.
I certainly don't know you.
She's my partner.
I trust her, and it's me
that's taking all the risk.
We have a plan, and no-one will
even know there's been a crime.
But for that, we need to know
that the job is ours.
CELINE SCOFFS
Ten million's a lot of money.
Stealing a painting's a lot of work.
And risk.
But if we don't have you
the painting in six weeks,
you can go back to Isabella.
But this way, you have no risk,
little outlay and the painting
you've always wanted
for two-thirds of the price
you were willing to pay.
And if you were in any doubt
of our capabilities
CELINE SCOFFS
You nicked the Crown of Thorns?
Yeah, right from
under everyone's noses.
It's a little gift,
just to show you everything
you've heard about me is true.
Yeah, well done.
Now every man and his dog from here
to Tarifa's looking for it.
Not if it just sits
in your private collection.
What, this thing?
Look at it. It's an eyesore.
Well, the gold itself is worth
a small fortune Oh, hang on.
Let me get my smelting kit out.
Turn it into sovereign rings,
shall I?
Boys down the market will be happy.
OK, we'll get rid of it.
No.
Let's see how you work
under instruction
..and real pressure.
Then I'll decide if the job
is yours. You put it back.
BERT SCOFFS
Today.
The cathedral isn't open
to the public.
Exactly.
It's a perfect little spot
for you two to show me
what you're capable of
before I agree
to you being my supplier.
OK? Off you pop.
SAM SIGHS
I want it back there by six.
Raphael?
Introduce them to Nacho.
Sharpen the mind.
DANCE MUSIC BLARING,
MUFFLED GRUNTS
You made out
like it was a done deal.
It wasn't, and now we're on the
back foot, singing for our supper.
We'll return it, it's fine.
She knows who we are,
I've pitched her for months.
She's just testing us.
Yeah, can I touch on the fact
that you stole a relic
without telling me?
And for what? To show off
to some woman you don't even know!
I stole a relic to remind you
how good I am at this shit.
To prove myself to you!
SAM SIGHS HEAVILY
Oi!
Do you like my new hat?
SAM SIGHS
Fuck's sake.
We're gonna need more
than your shit hat.
It's a good job I kept some
of our stuff.
Did you?
PHONE BUZZES
It's the forger.
Shall we go and welcome the talent?
Well, we'd better be quick.
Cos if that lunatic says it needs
to be put back today, it's today.
I'm not getting strapped to a chair.
WOMAN LAUGHS
Right, I'm gonna hold that,
and then you've got to breathe in.
THEY INHALE
Four, three, four, hold.
You have such a pretty nose.
That's it, do it one more time.
Right, OK.
Last one. Now you breathe in
TOILET FLUSHES
There's more to this
than looking pretty, you know.
You need to treat the equipment
with respect.
Put everything away
at the end of each show.
Check the safety on each trick
before each show.
Isn't that what you're here for?
He does this, you know.
Gets infatuated.
Then he'll start to pick holes
in you.
And you'll start to feel like
you're not good enough.
But by then, he'll have moved on.
The only person who won't
be moving on is you, Jackie.
Because you're the kind of person
that lets people pick holes in you.
This is just a stepping stone
for me.
Don't talk to me like that,
you little madam.
You're still gonna be stuck here
in 20 years' time,
looking like a two-pound sausage
in a one-pound skin.
You don't know anything about me.
Don't I?
Well I know
when I've touched a nerve.
SHE SIGHS
Oi, oi, Bili-boy! Welcome to Espana.
Pleased to meet you, Bilal. I'm Sam.
Hiya. Erm
Oh.
It's boiling here, in't it?
Cheers
I'm sweating cobs. Er
So, when do I get my money?
Yeah, shall we show you around first
before we talk turkey?
All right for you?
Got all your stuff, and your
..beans.
SLURPING
Mmm.
I go through a four-pack a day,
so Yeah, sure.
Well, we'll get you some more.
And Wi-Fi?
Need to ring my mum.
Mm-hm.
Let her know I've got here OK,
she'll be worrying.
Mm-hm.
So
Money.
Yeah.
There you go.
Well, this in't what we agreed.
I need a hundred, I've got bills.
10K doesn't cover your bills?
We agreed a hundred.
And I never start painting
until I've got all my money.
Can you sort my wimple?
Thought you'd never ask.
PHONE BUZZES
Shit. Celine.
IN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, er
But we're here to meet the
We We could, er
Ah, of course.
IN FRENCH:
PHONE BUZZES
Hiya, Mum!
Take a look at this place.
'Oh, lovely!
'I've got some
of your school friends here.
'Prak and Gary.'
Wait, wh?
'All right, Bilal, mush.'
'Lovely gaff, that. Where is it?'
Erm Spain, somewhere.
I don't know.
What Are you two doing there?
'We could ask you the same thing.
'Jibbing off to Spain
without inviting us!'
Mum you don't have
to make these two cups of tea.
Why don't you go for a walk
or something?
'You can't send your mum out
in t'freezing cold
'while you're sunning it up
over there.'
'Hey, look at the workmanship
on that.'
'Give that here. It's from Dunelm.'
'Oh, I've just thought -
you know who's over near you?'
'Tell him.'
'Deegs. You'll have to meet up.'
Oh, he
he don't want bothering with me.
'Oh, I reckon he does. That hundred
grand you owe will go a long way.
'He's there to invest in a gym
in the main plaza.
'I'll text you the address.
Make sure you see him tomorrow.'
Aye, smashing.
'See you!'
'Ta-ra, Bilal.'
Hablas ingles?
Yes, no problem.
IN IRISH ACCENT: We're visiting,
and we'd love to pray.
Of course. Please, Sister,
do you prefer a Lady Chapel?
Oh, she does. Don't you, Sister?
Yes. In fact, she has
a lovely Lady Chapel herself.
There are always people
in and out of it.
Ah, OK. Follow me, please.
PRIESTS CHATTER
IN ITALIAN
CLEARS THROA
What is it about the Virgin Mary?
Mother of Christ.
Adored by millions, prayed to daily.
No, the fact that it's so sacrosanct
to be a mother.
I mean,
any fool can knock out a sprog.
I didn't mean you.
Caitlin would be lucky to have you.
Is there anyone you would like me
to hold in my prayers?
Yes, there is a family friend.
She's dying.
I'm sorry.
She's worried, and I don't know
what to say to make it better.
Our job is not to make it better.
Our job is just to be there.
I find small kindnesses help.
She's being cared for
by her best friend.
But I do worry about the burden
that that places on her.
Her friend at the end.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
BERT JOINS: The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Please, excuse me.
Sister, she gets very emotional.
Father?
Yeah?
Would you hear my confession?
Mm-hm.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
But I have been having
very, very bad thoughts.
WHISPERS: I've had thoughts
about putting things
..the wet, wet dreams, Father.
HE GULPS
Your penance is ten Hail Marys
and, erm
Mary Mary be
glory the glory.
Hail Mary.
Bless you, Father.
HE EXHALES
MUSIC: 'Madam Butterfly'
by Giacomo Puccini
You OK?
BREATHLESSLY: Yeah. Yeah.
One and done, then?
Yep, but what a one.
Bonjour.
Not a cop, then?
Not a nun, then?
HE CHUCKLES
Miguel tells me
you handled yourselves with panache.
Mm-hm. So, do we get the job, then?
I'm only as good as my last job,
and if I give it to you,
you're in charge of my reputation.
So am I gonna stick my neck out
and say yes?
OK. You've got the job.
Now, don't fuck this up.
POP MUSIC PLAYS
What time is it?
Eleven.
What? No, no.
I wanted you to get some rest.
Here.
Ta.
What are your wishes, Bert?
We need to talk about it.
Well, I'll tell you
what I don't want - a wicker coffin.
May as well put me
in a waste paper bin.
THEY CHUCKLE
OK. I want a silk-lined coffin
in the heaviest mahogany,
because I want the pallbearers
to buckle at the knees.
Of which you will be one, at
the front, first on the call sheet,
wailing and gnashing your teeth.
Oh, I'm not dead yet.
Yeah.
Come on. Jackie.
No, no.
I'll have another run at her.
You put your feet up.
I'm also working on a solution
for our money problem.
I've found someone
who can break down the jewellery
and sell it separately
as gold and diamonds.
So we can get all the money
we owe Bilal.
Now, get some rest.
Don't move.
If you're a good girl,
Daddy won't shoot.
Oh. Well, what will Daddy do?
No. You don't get to cuff me
any more.
CLICKING
Is it cos of your wanker husband?
You're worth so much more than him.
Yeah. You're right.
I'm worth 500,000 euros.
And while you're mulling it,
I want 10% up front.
EXHALES
How's that for a start?
Worth more than 10%, I reckon.
Well
JACKIE CHUCKLES
I can't eat it.
Hm.
But, er
..I'll flog it if I have to.
Where do I sign?
BOTH LAUGH
Whoo!
Deegs.
Oh, look who it is,
as I live and breathe. Harder.
It's not 100 grand,
but I'll get you the rest tomorrow.
And in the meantime
Look. Take this, it's worth a bomb.
I painted it.
Big fat naked baby with wings?
You taking t'piss?
Stop fannying about painting
and get me my cash.
That's why I'm here, in Spain.
I'm a painter, right?
And these people, they're paying me
enough to pay you back.
Who's paying you enough?
Some art people.
Would you tell Prak
to leave my mum alone?
No-one touches Mummy
if we get our money.
Who asked you?
I'll get you the money.
Good. Cos if you don't
I'll break your bastard fingers.
How are you fixed
for painting with your feet?
CHUCKLES
Go on, piss off.
DEEGS STRAINS
Well, you've just made
a dying girl very happy.
SHE CHUCKLES
Can you give me a lift somewhere?
HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES
Get us a pint.
LAUGHTER,
CHEERING
So how are you, Roberta?
Good, yeah. Considering.
How are you? You look well.
Oh!
"Fabulous" is the word
I think you're looking for.
Missed you.
Must've been hard in prison.
And now you're sick.
Mm-hm.
Cancer?
Yeah.
Started off as a tumour on my liver,
and now it's
Go on.
Sorry, are you a doctor now?
Roberta! Are you mad with Mother?
Shouldn't Mother be mad with you?
Why? Cos I went off to live my life?
I took you in
when no-one else wanted to.
Yeah, so selfless (!)
Mother Teresa's got fuck-all on you.
Shall we stop reminiscing now?
You wanted to talk to me
about something.
You mentioned in your letter.
Mm.
Mm.
But maybe we save the adult chat
for another time.
Just wanna know
if you can shift these.
Sorry you're still having
to make ends meet like this.
I've moved on.
But I wish you well, though.
DANCE MUSIC BLARES
DRAG QUEEN GASPS
Wish me well, do you?
You fucking bitch.
Bert!
Mateo.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
That you're stuck with her.
SHE SCOFFS
What happened?
I was about to offer her
the opportunity of a lifetime,
but she never changes, so
Bert.
I won't be here tonight.
Why? Where you going?
I'm leaving, Craig.
Leaving?
Leaving me?
Yes.
You can't leave me, Jackie.
I can.
What about the show?
Well, the show must go on.
Get Komet to help.
What's she gonna do?
Everything I do
..I do for us for you.
And this is how you repay me?
Hello?
Bilal?
Hello?
Fuck, yeah!
Whoo!
Whoo!
The diamonds alone
are worth thousands.
Just say you'll take a look.
Thanks.
Bert?
SIGHS
Boo.
You scared me.
I've been thinking about something.
Have you?
You said you'd help me find Caitlin.
Yeah, well if you think
it's a good idea, I could.
Where would you start, though?
SAM CHUCKLES
What do you mean?
I mean, where would you, Bert,
go to find out where my daughter is?
I don't know.
You don't know where you'd begin
the process of finding her?
Writing to her
to establish a relationship?
You don't know
how you would do that?
I found the letters.
I asked if you wanted my help
to find her, and you said no.
But you'd already found her,
you fucking psycho!
MUSIC: 'These Boots Are Made
For Walking' by Nancy Sinatra
You got something for me
But confess
Where you shouldn't-a been messin'
Is getting all your best
Agh, fuck!
And that's just what they'll do
Are gonna walk all over you
Ugh!
BERT CHOKES
When you ought to be truthin'
When you oughta not bet
STRAINS: If you kill me,
she'll hate you.
Take me to her, now.
Did you get my money?
What?
Agh! Fuck!
BERT SPLUTTERS