Free Agents (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
What I Did for Work
- Hey.
- Good morning, noon.
Cable company gave me a window between 8:00 and 11:00 today, but guess what.
They didn't show up in the window.
They never show up in the window.
Why even bother giving you a window? Why not just say, "We may or may not be by to install cable at some point during your lifetime"? Anyway, uh We may have to watch the movie at your place later.
Um I don't know, Alex.
I worry about the boundaries thing.
We're fine watching at my place.
Your place is half-furnished.
You have three plates that don't match, one pillow, and no art.
It's like going on a date at a yard sale.
You know nothing's gonna happen.
I almost got very lucky at a yard sale.
And I picked up a lovely Guatemalan water jug for 5 bucks as well.
This is--what about-- this is worse.
OhYou are a mess.
Let me help you.
Thank you.
Okay.
We can watch it at my place.
But we agree beforehand-- we need rules.
Fine.
Then I would ask there be no superfluous talking, no overly crunchy snacks, and no, I will not pause the film so you can open another bottle of-- - Hey--hey, Logan.
- Ah! Just a control freak.
I mean a single man and a woman with a past who work together, watching a movie late at night-- It's just a very complex gray area.
We need those rules.
Like we have to agree up front there's no funny stuff.
So what, no exploding cigar, no squirting flower? And we have to agree on enforcement.
- Enforcement? - So if we can't keep the rules, someone needs to be the one to call time out.
Oh.
Oh! All right, well [Together.]
You do it.
Help me, baby if you can sometimes it's more than I can stand help me, baby But I'm always the only guy at these things.
I'm not going to a book club, okay? "A", they're stupid, boring, and I have zero chance of getting laid there, and "B"-- "A.
" Look, it's practically all chicks.
Chicks who read.
Yay.
Right.
I mean, sexy librarian.
- That's the thing.
- Okay, look.
If I exhaust every single other opportunity I mean, if I have absolutely nothing else to do but stay home and stare at my prune bank I'll think about coming.
[Softly.]
Yes! Hey, Emma.
There's the hedge fund guy from upstairs.
He's coming.
Don't be near me.
Okay.
Hey, they delivered us another one of your packages.
Thanks.
I think the package guy's on downers.
Ha.
Oh, and I emailed you that article about that Biotech IPO.
You guys should jump on their P.
R.
Genome breakthrough.
Large dollars.
Awesome.
Good tip.
Thanks.
Maybe we can talk about it.
Likelater.
Cool.
I'm out.
Psst! [Quietly.]
Shut up.
[Laughter.]
Well, congratulations, Gerry.
You know, I actually get my cable from you guys.
Oh, we all do.
We're very excited about the merger, aren't we, chaps? - Oh, yes.
- We can think of great things to do for a better, bigger Northbridge Telecom.
- Hear, hear.
- Thank you, Stephen.
Alex.
Helen.
Gerald.
Wonderful to see you, as always.
Wonderful to be seen, as always.
[Laughter.]
Why that dress is not registered as a deadly weapon is beyond me.
Oh, who says it isn't? [Both laughing.]
Yeesh.
- I've gotta go.
- Take care, Gerald.
Speak to you soon.
Take care.
What a tosser.
He's considering leaving us.
- You're kidding.
- He was spotted sharing a charcuterie plate of mixed meats with Ted Elliot last week.
The douchebag from Gooley-Matisse? He'll steal your knickers without taking your pants down.
Which takes a tremendous amount of practice but can be done.
It involves moving the genitals to one side and then a sharp twist and Bob's your uncle.
Well, short of engaging in some sort of an underwear dual, shouldn't we try to pitch him something more global, - get him re-excited? - Yes, that and Helen takes him out to dinner tonight, unbuttons a few buttons, and does that teasy-flirty thing which seems to put the ribbons on his maypole.
- Well, we can't really ask-- - I'm on it.
Excuse me? That's my figgy pudding.
I'll call him and promise him an evening that he'll struggle manfully to forget.
What? Nothing.
What? Nothing.
No, I'm aware that you were there.
The difference is I was there during the window you told me to be there.
Friday from 10:00 to 5:00? But that's not a window.
That's Friday.
No.
Okay.
Yes.
No.
Thank you.
Fine.
Hey.
You wanna grab a drink before I meet Unger? UmNo, thanks.
Okay, what is wrong with you? Nothing.
Just going home to catch up on some work like a professional while you're out showing your boobs to our client.
Oh, Alex, jealousy makes you very unattractive.
Like when you wear hats.
I'm--I'm a little bit jealous, but it's honestly not about that.
I'm just surprised that with all the legitimate tools we have at our disposal, you would stoop to a cheap sexual tease - to keep a client.
- So it is about jealousy.
I just said that it wasn-- you know what? Actually, what you wanna do is none of my business.
It's exactly your business.
We do whatever it takes to keep the client.
I got game, you don't.
You're jealous.
First of all, I hate that phrase, okay? And second of all, I do too "got game.
" Got you into bed, didn't I? After four glasses of wine, which I think were the MVPs of that game.
Just honestly thought you had more integrity than that.
But again-- none of my business.
Stop saying that.
Hold your pieces! So there's been a change in plan Seems that Gerald Unger has recently left his wife.
So rather than an innocent evening of flirting with Helen which he knows will never lead down her rabbit hole, he would prefer a gentleman's night out with fellow bachelor Alex Taylor.
Would that I could join you, but I'm flying to San Francisco for my stepson's tap dance recital.
- Oh, how's he doing? - He's 40.
That's how he's doing.
Well, great.
In fact, I would be happy to utilize - the professional-- - No game.
Oh, very much game.
Thank you.
You can do what you like.
Just keep him with the agency.
If you buy drugs, get a receipt.
The IRS is loosening up on deductions.
[Elevator bell dings.]
Ciao.
Really, I can't pull off like any kind of hat? No.
Yeah, yeah, I-- you get into this head space where you punish yourself and you punish yourself-- Oh.
That's my specialty.
[Chuckles.]
This has been nice, Alex.
Thank you.
Oh, please, it's my pleasure.
We--we really love having you as a client, and we are very excited to pitch you some new ideas.
And I really want to talk about this.
The company has gone through-- You know, but first How 'bout we get some girls? I-- - Excuse me? - Some action.
You're just divorced.
Now I'm divorced.
We're just a couple of single guys out on the prowl.
Yeah, the prowl.
TheThe old prowl, yes.
I wanna find some women and I wanna have some fun.
Y-you can help me with that, right? Emma.
Hey.
You want any sushi or sake? - Uh, no, thanks.
- Okay.
Actuallyyeah.
Great.
Um Get some Here you go.
Cheers.
Let me ask you something.
How do you flirt? - How do I flirt? - That thing you do with Unger.
That bubbly girly ooh-ooh thing.
It's not like I always flirt to get-- No, I understand.
It's business.
It's just there's this guy upstairs and He said he'd be working late, and we said we'd talk, so - A guy? - Yeah.
- Wait.
Like you like him? - Sure.
Like you like him? I'm confused.
You just said the same word twice.
- You like him.
- Sure.
I've been putting it out there.
I'm getting nothing back.
I've ruled out him being gay or me being undesirable.
So that can only mean I'm not sending the right signals.
Okay.
Um What I do You know, I make a guy feel attractive, you know.
Little compliments, teasing, you know.
Example.
Oh, I don't know.
It's like an attitude.
You walk up and you say Hi! [Monotone.]
Hi.
No, likeHi! [Monotone.]
Hi.
Hi! Hi.
I feel like I'm saying what I'm hearing.
You know what, never mind.
Um, good night.
Emma, I thought you said you liked this guy.
Well, yeah.
He's attractive.
He's ambitious.
And it's exactly the time for me to start dating seriously if I wanna be married with kids by the time I'm 35.
You realize that I'm 36 and single? Exactly.
That could be me.
Okay.
I say we seize the day.
Let's go up there and say hello.
Like go up there and say hello? Or is that code for something? No.
It's just code for let's go up and say hi.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
We're gonna work on it in the elevator.
- Hi.
- You know what, other ways to flirt.
[Women giggling.]
[Low conversation.]
Excuse me, ladies? Excuse me.
My friend and I just opened a fairly expensive bottle of champagne over there, and we were wondering if perhaps you'd care to join us? Like we'd drink anything we didn't see made in front of us? We're not dying to get roofied.
Thank you.
Roofied? No, no-- I'm a father with two children.
Really, I'm not gonna roofie you.
Who was that guy in the Midwest? - The BTK killer.
- He was married with kids.
Yeah.
But if I personally assure you that I am in no way gonna roofie you I'd think that's exactly what you'd say if you were going to roofie us.
Um I don't know how to get out of this.
- Huh? Huh? - Gerry I don't think that's gonna happen unless we're both willing to submit to background checks and quite possibly a retinal scan.
We're 0 for 3! I mean, it's really a minefield out here.
Yeah, I gotta admit, it's been about 12 years since I've done this-- I'm a little out of practice.
Come on, it's like riding a bike.
You know, I do have a friend who could be very helpful with exactly this kind of endeavor.
So what book didn't I read for this? Empty Without You.
The Intimate Letters of Eleanor Roosevelt - to Lorena Hickok-- - Dude, if this chick you mentioned is not at least a six, - I get to bang your wife.
- That's unfair! What if our numbering systems are different? What if you hook up with someone and I'm like, "Yay! I'm safe! It's a six.
" And then you're like, "That was a five.
" And then you start, you know, messing around with Gloria? That's not fair.
[Cell phone rings.]
Go for Dan.
Hi, it's Alex with what could be a major opportunity for you.
I'm out with Unger, and we need, umuh some companions.
You want us to come hang? No, we need-- We need girls.
We need girls.
You need my help keeping the big whale in the pond.
- Where you at? - We're at Gilfillin's.
And make it snappy, okay? On it! [Whispers.]
Nice! FYI--a whale couldn't survive in a pond.
You don't know how big the pond is.
I don't know--maybe it's not like riding a bike.
No, it is.
It's just a very complicated bike that takes most of your life to figure out.
Gerald! Hey, how you doing, fellas? You living it up? Ted.
What a surprise.
I'm here with a client, and you're right on top of me.
- Like a shadow.
- Or something.
Yeah.
Gerald, I still got those Blazer tickets for ya.
Oh, this is my colleague Patty.
Patty, this is Gerald.
And Allen.
- Alex.
- Alex! I-I'm sorry.
I confuse you with this guy Allen who works in our office.
Doesn't he remind you of Allen? You know Oh, my God! He's Allen.
[Laughs.]
Right? Right? Gerald, great to see you.
Come join us if you get bored.
We'll win.
Win! Ugh.
Patty's got a nice can.
Yes.
Yes, but why even look in that direction, Gerry, when here comes my colleague, no doubt with some very attractive ladies Gerald, yo! ¿Que pasa? I would like you to meet Catherine and Danneel.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey! - Nice to meet you.
- So - Who wants shots? - Me.
I-I would do a shot.
I'll do like two shots.
Shots for everybody then.
I'm buying.
I could really use the miles.
Ger is definitely in.
This guy UmAre they even 21? You said you wanted girls.
Suddenly you're choosy? I'm sorry, I just had this fantasy that you might think to bring women who were even vaguely age-appropriate.
You have weird fantasies, bro.
[Girls giggling.]
[Together.]
Expelliarmus! Oh, that's from Harry Potter, isn't it? These girls are 11.
Not if you combine 'em.
Okay.
Okay.
Riding a bike.
Riding a bike.
This is exciting.
Like if you guys hit it off and get married, you could tell the story in your wedding speech.
Brides don't make those speeches.
Ladies.
Saw you on the monitors.
You know you're on the wrong floor, and I can get into a lot of-- Are we doing something illegal? It's a complex question, since while inside the building you're technically subject to its own internal legal-- Walter, give us a break.
We're doing a drop-by on Emma's friend.
Andrew, uh From Nixon-Burke.
Oh, he's great.
So it's like a flirting mission.
He could be the one.
So if you tell us where his office is, I'll tell this whole story in my wedding speech.
Aw! All right.
It's down there.
- You're a good man, Walter.
- Just let me call it in.
[Radio static.]
Although, I'm the only one on at night [Quietly.]
Why do I even have a radio? Andrew.
Hi.
I mean.
Hi.
Hey, Emma.
You okay? - Are you ill? - No, I'm good.
Umcool pens.
I was just up here and Uh, was wonder-- wondering if maybe you wanted to go have a drink sometime.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Great! Yeah.
No.
That'd be cool.
Oh.
Do you have a number? - Is it in the directory? - Yes.
- [Laughs.]
- Um - What is this? - Spin Doctors.
You like the Spin Doctors? Totally! They might be touring.
If you-- You don't think they're the most overrated band in the history of music? The Spin Doctors operate on like a thousand different levels.
The Spin Doctors are so bad that actual medical doctors are considering changing the name of their profession in order to distance themselves from those talentless poseur art geeks who would actually be doing the whole world a favor if they killed each other in a suicide pact.
Is she gonna flirt with another guy later after she humiliates this guy? You didn't even like Little Miss? - Ugh! - Emma, there you--oh! Hi! Is this the guy you were telling me about? Oh, you didn't tell me he had so many qualities worth pointing out and complimenting.
I said I liked his pens.
Didn't say anything about his hair.
- Well - Or--oh, look at him! This is a photo of him holding a giant fish! - [Laughs.]
- Oh! Outdoorsy! Such broad shoulders.
See? She's nice.
Sorry.
It's a deal breaker.
I'll see you around.
- Oh - Let's go get a drink.
Sorry.
Ohh Odds of a wedding seem low, but this would make an interesting story.
Shut up.
So when Northbridge Telecom won the proxy fight with Filmore Communications, that company became Pierce Cablevision.
Whoa, whoa.
Hang on a second.
Filmore was actually a leveraged buyout.
Our dad worked for Pierce.
You fired him.
Sorry.
Enough about us.
I mean, uh What are you guys into? [Cell phone rings.]
Hey! There's a party at Zeta! We should go! - Thanks, you guys! - Bye! See you later.
I'm gonna go with you guys if you want.
- Oh, it's okay.
- You sure? - Yes.
- Yeah, no worries.
It's looking a little bit dead around here, Gerry.
We're gonna head over to Zanzibar - if you wanna come with us.
- Oh, well, actually We're just getting started.
Yeah.
I know about this party, and there's gonna be women there.
And, um Uhweed.
[Chuckles.]
Sorry.
All right, let me get my coat.
Thanks.
- Weed? - I don't know.
I ate a brownie once.
[Stammers.]
Can I have a check, please? Rough night? Oh, uh Definitely not gonna make the "Best of" album, no.
Well, maybe things will turn around.
I don't see how, but, uh, thanks anyway.
I meant maybe meeting me will turn things around.
O-oh! Oh, this is We're hitting it off.
[Laughs.]
You're not supposed to say that out loud, but I think you're cute.
Um I'm sorry.
You wouldn't happen to-- I am here with a friend, though.
Excuse me.
Um Gerry! Don't leave.
You cannot be too picky or you're gonna end up 36 and single.
What can I say? I like what I like, and I hate what I hate.
And as far as turning into you, you kinda pull it off.
Hmm.
All right, I'm just gonna find Alex and make fun of him.
Why don't you grab us a couple of gimlets.
Make sure you crush the bartender's self-esteem - in the process.
- Got it.
[Women laughing.]
So I'm in a white kimono-- for reasons I don't wanna go into-- and I'm staggering around, and in Japan, the walls are made of paper.
I step right through the wall, and a maid sees me and starts to shout, "Obake! Obake!" Which means, "Ghost! Ghost!" in Japanese.
Hi, you two.
- Hey! - Hello, Alex.
Gerald.
Ladies.
Yes, yes.
Two very happy ladies.
Helen, this is Susan and Kara.
Susan and Kara, this is Helen.
Well! Okay! Great.
Have a great night tonight, Gerald.
- Hey, we will.
- Okay.
Hey, who wants a tequila shot? Ooh! I do.
Oh, God, if I must, I suppose Look at you, gettin' it done.
I have to say, I'm a little surprised.
Well, I don't know why.
After all, Igot game.
[Laughs.]
I'm surprised I'm finding this actually a little hot.
- Ish.
- Well, thank you.
Ish.
Well, then, I'll leave you to it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
UmSorry about that.
Uh I don't want to be too forward, but should we think about moving this party elsewhere? I mean, my place is right nearby.
Just so we're clear, we get paid up front.
Kinda small but you know, it'scozy.
What? It's $1,000 for both of us for the night and if you want anything weird, I mean, that's obviously extra.
Plus materials.
[Laughs.]
Are you kidding? Fine.
800.
Because we like you.
Tequila shots coming up.
This party's just getting started.
It actually may be winding down.
No.
I'm raring to go.
You raring? - I am raring.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Let's all go somewhere.
- Sounds great! Hi.
Uh, I'm so sorry to interrupt again.
I forgot my purse.
Can I just put some drinks on your tab? Yes, you can, that's fine.
Please go.
No, Helen, stay.
It's gonna get a little wild, - but - So you wanna do a five-way? - No, no, no, no.
- 'Cause that's an extra 500.
You're hookers? We can pretend not to be hookers if it blows the fantasy.
We still have to be paid for the sex, though.
I'm just gonna step in here for a second.
Let's all just take a deep breath And just acknowledge how hilarious this is! Sorry.
You do have game, Alex.
- Wow! - You know what? We don't have time to go around and around.
Sorry this didn't work out.
Kara.
I'm sorry.
I'll get the check.
Sothat's how a professional does it.
No.
No mocking.
Not now.
Come on.
It's funny.
- Hilarious.
- Don't worry about Unger.
I'll call him.
I'll take him out to lunch.
I'll smile, touch his arm, show some cleavage.
It's gonna be fine.
Actually, it might not be necessary.
- Check it out.
- Gerald.
If you leave, you're an idiot.
We're the only shop that has the resources to handle an international telecom.
Listen, I like the firm.
It's just-- [mimicking.]
"Oh, listen, I like the firm.
" Why don't you try loving it? And if you think you can do better elsewhere, be my guest.
We'll throw a party when your company goes bankrupt.
We'll dance and sing.
- What's your name? - Emma.
He said his ex-wife was a ball-buster.
It's what Emma does best.
Yeah.
Reduce a man to a puddle.
Mm.
Huh.
SoWhy don't you buy me a drink? Are you flirting with me? No.
Apparently, I flirt too much.
I just forgot my purse and I want a drink.
'Cause I have to warn you, I am $1,000 for the night.
Is that how much they charge? Apparently.
Plus materials.
What kind of materials? I have no idea.
[Both laughing.]
We don't need this much boundaries.
You can watch from the same zip code.
It's not a boundaries thing.
You just make so much noise with those damn wrappers.
Which was part of the negotiations, by the way.
Fine.
- You sure? - Yeah.
All right.
If it's what you want.
This is what you want, isn't it, with the eye contact? Then you're gonna ask for a foot rub in a minute, and then we're off to the races, aren't we? I just want popcorn.
Those are gross.
- No.
- Come on.
- That is all I have left.
No.
- Please! - Absolutely not.
- Give me some, - and I'll have sex with you.
- All right.
One handful, please.
You're supposed to stop this.
Thought you were the rule enforcer.
I-I thought you were the rule enforcer.
That's right.
I am.
Go sit in your chair.
- Really? - Yes.
It's the law, sir.
It's really fun so far.
I really like her hat.
- Good morning, noon.
Cable company gave me a window between 8:00 and 11:00 today, but guess what.
They didn't show up in the window.
They never show up in the window.
Why even bother giving you a window? Why not just say, "We may or may not be by to install cable at some point during your lifetime"? Anyway, uh We may have to watch the movie at your place later.
Um I don't know, Alex.
I worry about the boundaries thing.
We're fine watching at my place.
Your place is half-furnished.
You have three plates that don't match, one pillow, and no art.
It's like going on a date at a yard sale.
You know nothing's gonna happen.
I almost got very lucky at a yard sale.
And I picked up a lovely Guatemalan water jug for 5 bucks as well.
This is--what about-- this is worse.
OhYou are a mess.
Let me help you.
Thank you.
Okay.
We can watch it at my place.
But we agree beforehand-- we need rules.
Fine.
Then I would ask there be no superfluous talking, no overly crunchy snacks, and no, I will not pause the film so you can open another bottle of-- - Hey--hey, Logan.
- Ah! Just a control freak.
I mean a single man and a woman with a past who work together, watching a movie late at night-- It's just a very complex gray area.
We need those rules.
Like we have to agree up front there's no funny stuff.
So what, no exploding cigar, no squirting flower? And we have to agree on enforcement.
- Enforcement? - So if we can't keep the rules, someone needs to be the one to call time out.
Oh.
Oh! All right, well [Together.]
You do it.
Help me, baby if you can sometimes it's more than I can stand help me, baby But I'm always the only guy at these things.
I'm not going to a book club, okay? "A", they're stupid, boring, and I have zero chance of getting laid there, and "B"-- "A.
" Look, it's practically all chicks.
Chicks who read.
Yay.
Right.
I mean, sexy librarian.
- That's the thing.
- Okay, look.
If I exhaust every single other opportunity I mean, if I have absolutely nothing else to do but stay home and stare at my prune bank I'll think about coming.
[Softly.]
Yes! Hey, Emma.
There's the hedge fund guy from upstairs.
He's coming.
Don't be near me.
Okay.
Hey, they delivered us another one of your packages.
Thanks.
I think the package guy's on downers.
Ha.
Oh, and I emailed you that article about that Biotech IPO.
You guys should jump on their P.
R.
Genome breakthrough.
Large dollars.
Awesome.
Good tip.
Thanks.
Maybe we can talk about it.
Likelater.
Cool.
I'm out.
Psst! [Quietly.]
Shut up.
[Laughter.]
Well, congratulations, Gerry.
You know, I actually get my cable from you guys.
Oh, we all do.
We're very excited about the merger, aren't we, chaps? - Oh, yes.
- We can think of great things to do for a better, bigger Northbridge Telecom.
- Hear, hear.
- Thank you, Stephen.
Alex.
Helen.
Gerald.
Wonderful to see you, as always.
Wonderful to be seen, as always.
[Laughter.]
Why that dress is not registered as a deadly weapon is beyond me.
Oh, who says it isn't? [Both laughing.]
Yeesh.
- I've gotta go.
- Take care, Gerald.
Speak to you soon.
Take care.
What a tosser.
He's considering leaving us.
- You're kidding.
- He was spotted sharing a charcuterie plate of mixed meats with Ted Elliot last week.
The douchebag from Gooley-Matisse? He'll steal your knickers without taking your pants down.
Which takes a tremendous amount of practice but can be done.
It involves moving the genitals to one side and then a sharp twist and Bob's your uncle.
Well, short of engaging in some sort of an underwear dual, shouldn't we try to pitch him something more global, - get him re-excited? - Yes, that and Helen takes him out to dinner tonight, unbuttons a few buttons, and does that teasy-flirty thing which seems to put the ribbons on his maypole.
- Well, we can't really ask-- - I'm on it.
Excuse me? That's my figgy pudding.
I'll call him and promise him an evening that he'll struggle manfully to forget.
What? Nothing.
What? Nothing.
No, I'm aware that you were there.
The difference is I was there during the window you told me to be there.
Friday from 10:00 to 5:00? But that's not a window.
That's Friday.
No.
Okay.
Yes.
No.
Thank you.
Fine.
Hey.
You wanna grab a drink before I meet Unger? UmNo, thanks.
Okay, what is wrong with you? Nothing.
Just going home to catch up on some work like a professional while you're out showing your boobs to our client.
Oh, Alex, jealousy makes you very unattractive.
Like when you wear hats.
I'm--I'm a little bit jealous, but it's honestly not about that.
I'm just surprised that with all the legitimate tools we have at our disposal, you would stoop to a cheap sexual tease - to keep a client.
- So it is about jealousy.
I just said that it wasn-- you know what? Actually, what you wanna do is none of my business.
It's exactly your business.
We do whatever it takes to keep the client.
I got game, you don't.
You're jealous.
First of all, I hate that phrase, okay? And second of all, I do too "got game.
" Got you into bed, didn't I? After four glasses of wine, which I think were the MVPs of that game.
Just honestly thought you had more integrity than that.
But again-- none of my business.
Stop saying that.
Hold your pieces! So there's been a change in plan Seems that Gerald Unger has recently left his wife.
So rather than an innocent evening of flirting with Helen which he knows will never lead down her rabbit hole, he would prefer a gentleman's night out with fellow bachelor Alex Taylor.
Would that I could join you, but I'm flying to San Francisco for my stepson's tap dance recital.
- Oh, how's he doing? - He's 40.
That's how he's doing.
Well, great.
In fact, I would be happy to utilize - the professional-- - No game.
Oh, very much game.
Thank you.
You can do what you like.
Just keep him with the agency.
If you buy drugs, get a receipt.
The IRS is loosening up on deductions.
[Elevator bell dings.]
Ciao.
Really, I can't pull off like any kind of hat? No.
Yeah, yeah, I-- you get into this head space where you punish yourself and you punish yourself-- Oh.
That's my specialty.
[Chuckles.]
This has been nice, Alex.
Thank you.
Oh, please, it's my pleasure.
We--we really love having you as a client, and we are very excited to pitch you some new ideas.
And I really want to talk about this.
The company has gone through-- You know, but first How 'bout we get some girls? I-- - Excuse me? - Some action.
You're just divorced.
Now I'm divorced.
We're just a couple of single guys out on the prowl.
Yeah, the prowl.
TheThe old prowl, yes.
I wanna find some women and I wanna have some fun.
Y-you can help me with that, right? Emma.
Hey.
You want any sushi or sake? - Uh, no, thanks.
- Okay.
Actuallyyeah.
Great.
Um Get some Here you go.
Cheers.
Let me ask you something.
How do you flirt? - How do I flirt? - That thing you do with Unger.
That bubbly girly ooh-ooh thing.
It's not like I always flirt to get-- No, I understand.
It's business.
It's just there's this guy upstairs and He said he'd be working late, and we said we'd talk, so - A guy? - Yeah.
- Wait.
Like you like him? - Sure.
Like you like him? I'm confused.
You just said the same word twice.
- You like him.
- Sure.
I've been putting it out there.
I'm getting nothing back.
I've ruled out him being gay or me being undesirable.
So that can only mean I'm not sending the right signals.
Okay.
Um What I do You know, I make a guy feel attractive, you know.
Little compliments, teasing, you know.
Example.
Oh, I don't know.
It's like an attitude.
You walk up and you say Hi! [Monotone.]
Hi.
No, likeHi! [Monotone.]
Hi.
Hi! Hi.
I feel like I'm saying what I'm hearing.
You know what, never mind.
Um, good night.
Emma, I thought you said you liked this guy.
Well, yeah.
He's attractive.
He's ambitious.
And it's exactly the time for me to start dating seriously if I wanna be married with kids by the time I'm 35.
You realize that I'm 36 and single? Exactly.
That could be me.
Okay.
I say we seize the day.
Let's go up there and say hello.
Like go up there and say hello? Or is that code for something? No.
It's just code for let's go up and say hi.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
We're gonna work on it in the elevator.
- Hi.
- You know what, other ways to flirt.
[Women giggling.]
[Low conversation.]
Excuse me, ladies? Excuse me.
My friend and I just opened a fairly expensive bottle of champagne over there, and we were wondering if perhaps you'd care to join us? Like we'd drink anything we didn't see made in front of us? We're not dying to get roofied.
Thank you.
Roofied? No, no-- I'm a father with two children.
Really, I'm not gonna roofie you.
Who was that guy in the Midwest? - The BTK killer.
- He was married with kids.
Yeah.
But if I personally assure you that I am in no way gonna roofie you I'd think that's exactly what you'd say if you were going to roofie us.
Um I don't know how to get out of this.
- Huh? Huh? - Gerry I don't think that's gonna happen unless we're both willing to submit to background checks and quite possibly a retinal scan.
We're 0 for 3! I mean, it's really a minefield out here.
Yeah, I gotta admit, it's been about 12 years since I've done this-- I'm a little out of practice.
Come on, it's like riding a bike.
You know, I do have a friend who could be very helpful with exactly this kind of endeavor.
So what book didn't I read for this? Empty Without You.
The Intimate Letters of Eleanor Roosevelt - to Lorena Hickok-- - Dude, if this chick you mentioned is not at least a six, - I get to bang your wife.
- That's unfair! What if our numbering systems are different? What if you hook up with someone and I'm like, "Yay! I'm safe! It's a six.
" And then you're like, "That was a five.
" And then you start, you know, messing around with Gloria? That's not fair.
[Cell phone rings.]
Go for Dan.
Hi, it's Alex with what could be a major opportunity for you.
I'm out with Unger, and we need, umuh some companions.
You want us to come hang? No, we need-- We need girls.
We need girls.
You need my help keeping the big whale in the pond.
- Where you at? - We're at Gilfillin's.
And make it snappy, okay? On it! [Whispers.]
Nice! FYI--a whale couldn't survive in a pond.
You don't know how big the pond is.
I don't know--maybe it's not like riding a bike.
No, it is.
It's just a very complicated bike that takes most of your life to figure out.
Gerald! Hey, how you doing, fellas? You living it up? Ted.
What a surprise.
I'm here with a client, and you're right on top of me.
- Like a shadow.
- Or something.
Yeah.
Gerald, I still got those Blazer tickets for ya.
Oh, this is my colleague Patty.
Patty, this is Gerald.
And Allen.
- Alex.
- Alex! I-I'm sorry.
I confuse you with this guy Allen who works in our office.
Doesn't he remind you of Allen? You know Oh, my God! He's Allen.
[Laughs.]
Right? Right? Gerald, great to see you.
Come join us if you get bored.
We'll win.
Win! Ugh.
Patty's got a nice can.
Yes.
Yes, but why even look in that direction, Gerry, when here comes my colleague, no doubt with some very attractive ladies Gerald, yo! ¿Que pasa? I would like you to meet Catherine and Danneel.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey! - Nice to meet you.
- So - Who wants shots? - Me.
I-I would do a shot.
I'll do like two shots.
Shots for everybody then.
I'm buying.
I could really use the miles.
Ger is definitely in.
This guy UmAre they even 21? You said you wanted girls.
Suddenly you're choosy? I'm sorry, I just had this fantasy that you might think to bring women who were even vaguely age-appropriate.
You have weird fantasies, bro.
[Girls giggling.]
[Together.]
Expelliarmus! Oh, that's from Harry Potter, isn't it? These girls are 11.
Not if you combine 'em.
Okay.
Okay.
Riding a bike.
Riding a bike.
This is exciting.
Like if you guys hit it off and get married, you could tell the story in your wedding speech.
Brides don't make those speeches.
Ladies.
Saw you on the monitors.
You know you're on the wrong floor, and I can get into a lot of-- Are we doing something illegal? It's a complex question, since while inside the building you're technically subject to its own internal legal-- Walter, give us a break.
We're doing a drop-by on Emma's friend.
Andrew, uh From Nixon-Burke.
Oh, he's great.
So it's like a flirting mission.
He could be the one.
So if you tell us where his office is, I'll tell this whole story in my wedding speech.
Aw! All right.
It's down there.
- You're a good man, Walter.
- Just let me call it in.
[Radio static.]
Although, I'm the only one on at night [Quietly.]
Why do I even have a radio? Andrew.
Hi.
I mean.
Hi.
Hey, Emma.
You okay? - Are you ill? - No, I'm good.
Umcool pens.
I was just up here and Uh, was wonder-- wondering if maybe you wanted to go have a drink sometime.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Great! Yeah.
No.
That'd be cool.
Oh.
Do you have a number? - Is it in the directory? - Yes.
- [Laughs.]
- Um - What is this? - Spin Doctors.
You like the Spin Doctors? Totally! They might be touring.
If you-- You don't think they're the most overrated band in the history of music? The Spin Doctors operate on like a thousand different levels.
The Spin Doctors are so bad that actual medical doctors are considering changing the name of their profession in order to distance themselves from those talentless poseur art geeks who would actually be doing the whole world a favor if they killed each other in a suicide pact.
Is she gonna flirt with another guy later after she humiliates this guy? You didn't even like Little Miss? - Ugh! - Emma, there you--oh! Hi! Is this the guy you were telling me about? Oh, you didn't tell me he had so many qualities worth pointing out and complimenting.
I said I liked his pens.
Didn't say anything about his hair.
- Well - Or--oh, look at him! This is a photo of him holding a giant fish! - [Laughs.]
- Oh! Outdoorsy! Such broad shoulders.
See? She's nice.
Sorry.
It's a deal breaker.
I'll see you around.
- Oh - Let's go get a drink.
Sorry.
Ohh Odds of a wedding seem low, but this would make an interesting story.
Shut up.
So when Northbridge Telecom won the proxy fight with Filmore Communications, that company became Pierce Cablevision.
Whoa, whoa.
Hang on a second.
Filmore was actually a leveraged buyout.
Our dad worked for Pierce.
You fired him.
Sorry.
Enough about us.
I mean, uh What are you guys into? [Cell phone rings.]
Hey! There's a party at Zeta! We should go! - Thanks, you guys! - Bye! See you later.
I'm gonna go with you guys if you want.
- Oh, it's okay.
- You sure? - Yes.
- Yeah, no worries.
It's looking a little bit dead around here, Gerry.
We're gonna head over to Zanzibar - if you wanna come with us.
- Oh, well, actually We're just getting started.
Yeah.
I know about this party, and there's gonna be women there.
And, um Uhweed.
[Chuckles.]
Sorry.
All right, let me get my coat.
Thanks.
- Weed? - I don't know.
I ate a brownie once.
[Stammers.]
Can I have a check, please? Rough night? Oh, uh Definitely not gonna make the "Best of" album, no.
Well, maybe things will turn around.
I don't see how, but, uh, thanks anyway.
I meant maybe meeting me will turn things around.
O-oh! Oh, this is We're hitting it off.
[Laughs.]
You're not supposed to say that out loud, but I think you're cute.
Um I'm sorry.
You wouldn't happen to-- I am here with a friend, though.
Excuse me.
Um Gerry! Don't leave.
You cannot be too picky or you're gonna end up 36 and single.
What can I say? I like what I like, and I hate what I hate.
And as far as turning into you, you kinda pull it off.
Hmm.
All right, I'm just gonna find Alex and make fun of him.
Why don't you grab us a couple of gimlets.
Make sure you crush the bartender's self-esteem - in the process.
- Got it.
[Women laughing.]
So I'm in a white kimono-- for reasons I don't wanna go into-- and I'm staggering around, and in Japan, the walls are made of paper.
I step right through the wall, and a maid sees me and starts to shout, "Obake! Obake!" Which means, "Ghost! Ghost!" in Japanese.
Hi, you two.
- Hey! - Hello, Alex.
Gerald.
Ladies.
Yes, yes.
Two very happy ladies.
Helen, this is Susan and Kara.
Susan and Kara, this is Helen.
Well! Okay! Great.
Have a great night tonight, Gerald.
- Hey, we will.
- Okay.
Hey, who wants a tequila shot? Ooh! I do.
Oh, God, if I must, I suppose Look at you, gettin' it done.
I have to say, I'm a little surprised.
Well, I don't know why.
After all, Igot game.
[Laughs.]
I'm surprised I'm finding this actually a little hot.
- Ish.
- Well, thank you.
Ish.
Well, then, I'll leave you to it.
- Good night.
- Good night.
UmSorry about that.
Uh I don't want to be too forward, but should we think about moving this party elsewhere? I mean, my place is right nearby.
Just so we're clear, we get paid up front.
Kinda small but you know, it'scozy.
What? It's $1,000 for both of us for the night and if you want anything weird, I mean, that's obviously extra.
Plus materials.
[Laughs.]
Are you kidding? Fine.
800.
Because we like you.
Tequila shots coming up.
This party's just getting started.
It actually may be winding down.
No.
I'm raring to go.
You raring? - I am raring.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Let's all go somewhere.
- Sounds great! Hi.
Uh, I'm so sorry to interrupt again.
I forgot my purse.
Can I just put some drinks on your tab? Yes, you can, that's fine.
Please go.
No, Helen, stay.
It's gonna get a little wild, - but - So you wanna do a five-way? - No, no, no, no.
- 'Cause that's an extra 500.
You're hookers? We can pretend not to be hookers if it blows the fantasy.
We still have to be paid for the sex, though.
I'm just gonna step in here for a second.
Let's all just take a deep breath And just acknowledge how hilarious this is! Sorry.
You do have game, Alex.
- Wow! - You know what? We don't have time to go around and around.
Sorry this didn't work out.
Kara.
I'm sorry.
I'll get the check.
Sothat's how a professional does it.
No.
No mocking.
Not now.
Come on.
It's funny.
- Hilarious.
- Don't worry about Unger.
I'll call him.
I'll take him out to lunch.
I'll smile, touch his arm, show some cleavage.
It's gonna be fine.
Actually, it might not be necessary.
- Check it out.
- Gerald.
If you leave, you're an idiot.
We're the only shop that has the resources to handle an international telecom.
Listen, I like the firm.
It's just-- [mimicking.]
"Oh, listen, I like the firm.
" Why don't you try loving it? And if you think you can do better elsewhere, be my guest.
We'll throw a party when your company goes bankrupt.
We'll dance and sing.
- What's your name? - Emma.
He said his ex-wife was a ball-buster.
It's what Emma does best.
Yeah.
Reduce a man to a puddle.
Mm.
Huh.
SoWhy don't you buy me a drink? Are you flirting with me? No.
Apparently, I flirt too much.
I just forgot my purse and I want a drink.
'Cause I have to warn you, I am $1,000 for the night.
Is that how much they charge? Apparently.
Plus materials.
What kind of materials? I have no idea.
[Both laughing.]
We don't need this much boundaries.
You can watch from the same zip code.
It's not a boundaries thing.
You just make so much noise with those damn wrappers.
Which was part of the negotiations, by the way.
Fine.
- You sure? - Yeah.
All right.
If it's what you want.
This is what you want, isn't it, with the eye contact? Then you're gonna ask for a foot rub in a minute, and then we're off to the races, aren't we? I just want popcorn.
Those are gross.
- No.
- Come on.
- That is all I have left.
No.
- Please! - Absolutely not.
- Give me some, - and I'll have sex with you.
- All right.
One handful, please.
You're supposed to stop this.
Thought you were the rule enforcer.
I-I thought you were the rule enforcer.
That's right.
I am.
Go sit in your chair.
- Really? - Yes.
It's the law, sir.
It's really fun so far.
I really like her hat.