Gnomes (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
She's the Gnome Queen.
I got her from some museum in Germany.
Simply put, you lot are done.
- What do you mean, done?
- We've got a lot riding
- on this festival.
- Fang it!
And if those delinquents mess this up for me
Nothing's gonna go wrong.
Whatever happens, don't let go.
But don't let her have it.
Boo!
The hatchet will give her ultimate power!
Hey! Zayn, I know it's you.
Hey!
Zayn, quit it!
Arnold?
Lost your way home?
Someone's been a naughty boy!
Mrs Dunkly, I'm I'm
A problem drinker?
- Oh, shit! Is that the time?
- By the way,
a garden gnome broke in through
my back door last night.
Don't worry, I killed it.
Morning, Arn. Day off?
And if you want to sleep over again,
a little notice next time?
Hello. You've reached Casa del Kipps.
We're not home right now, so you know what to do.
Arnold!
Where the hell are you? Buzz me
as soon as you get this.
You have 14 missed messages.
Arnold, this is Evan from VideO
Just another reminder that your DVDs are overdue.
I don't want to be a pain,
but this is getting a little ridi
G'day, Arn. Me again. Mate, half the town
is waiting for the Twilight Saga.
Six months is a little unacceptable.
If you could bring it in as soon as you can
Arnold, do you read me? Over.
Yeah, Car One responding.
Arnold, where have you been?!
- Er, at the gym.
- Ah!
Wait, Nompton doesn't have a gym.
The mayor's been looking for you.
Something happened last night.
Last night?
I can send Devon, if you want.
Er, no. No, don't. Er, just I can handle it.
Tell Captain Clipboard to
straighten his pencil drawer
- or something.
- Did you get that, Dev?
Hello, Arnold
Ohhh
Arnold! "I'll take care of everything." Will you?
"Everything will be fine," will it?
Look! Just look. She's gone!
Wait. No, no. She was She was right there.
Of course the Gnome Queen was there.
This has got Zayn Falkner
and his snot-nosed mates
written all over it. Why do you smell like
an old woman's liquor cabinet?
- Where's Mr Henrickson?
- I don't know.
Hanging around somewhere. You have to find her,
Arnold. Brant Sanders is
featuring our opening ceremony
in his news report tomorrow morning, live,
and I need that gnome front and centre.
- Brant Sanders?
- Yes.
From Channel Six? Isn't he the one
who got caught with his hand up a?
That was never proven. Right?
And also, there is, er,
something else as well.
If I, er, tell you something,
do you promise that I won't be in trouble
no matter what I say?
I'm a cop, not a priest.
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
In order to pay for the Gnome Queen,
I had to sort of borrow some
funds from the council budget.
How much?
All right, all of it.
- I'm gonna be sick.
- Yes, I hear you,
because I am the mayor you know and trust,
and I cannot be responsible
for bankrupting this town.
So when you find the Gnome Queen, right,
we're going to make a tidy
profit on the ticket sales.
We'll send her home, and everyone's happy.
- But what if she's gone?
- Well, I'll put it this way.
No Gnome Queen
no Nompton.
Oh, my gosh. It's Mayor Lachlan Morrison!
It's an honour to finally meet you!
- I'm Gillian, this is Dana.
- Dana.
We're from Better Gnomes And Gardens.
I'm sure you've heard of us.
The magazine? We're here to cover the festival.
Yeah. Golly, we would love
to look at the Gnome Queen.
If we could just take a peek?
- Yeah, where is she?
- Where is she?
- Exactly!
- Well, it's a surprise,
isn't it? Yeah, for the big
opening ceremony tomorrow.
But if it's gnomes you're after,
have you seen our gnome factory?
I can take you there myself, personally.
- OK!
- Let's go. Off you pop.
- I'll just be a jiffy.
- Oh, dear.
Get those kids and bring that queen back here.
Everything depends on it.
Hello?
Arnold? Let me just check.
Yes, Jenny's home, I think.
Bring her down to the station?
Why on earth would she need
to come down to the station?
Arnold! There you are. Just so you know, I'll be
- starting evaluations today.
- For the last time,
Ellie, we don't want or need to be evaluated.
Oh, that's funny, because you're two hours late
- and very clearly hungover.
- What? No, I'm not.
Well, Josie's been downright hostile.
I mean, I'm not surprised, with her record.
What record?
Well, what about Beverly?
Arnold, does she even know what day it is?
She can probably guess the last three letters.
Arnold! There you are! I was, like
Um, can you come and check my telly?
Last night, it was whispering your name.
- It was like, "Arnold!"
- Er
You're telling me we have over 40 incidents
and not one eyewitness?
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Dev mentioned you're a little under the weather.
Here. I thought that might help.
No! No, no, no. Get out.
I'm just observing, that's all.
Well, how about you observe this?
- Josie!
- Can someone please tell me
very quietly
what the hell is going on here?
Reports of damage are coming in
from all over town.
Petty vandalism, a possible earthquake.
It's mostly stolen garden gnomes.
Well, I just spoke with
the mayor, and, unfortunately,
the Gnome Queen has also been stolen.
- Oh, you're kidding!
- Come on!
Arnold, the kids are ready for you.
I've just popped them in Susan's office.
OK, erm, well, maybe we'll
finally get some answers here.
- Are you sure you're OK?
- I'm fine. I'm
I am 100% fine. OK?
Right, I'm sure you're all aware of what happened
- last night.
- No, mate, I just got home.
If you're talking about
that nonsense in the square,
this lot had nothing to do with it.
We have reason to suspect otherwise.
This is outrageous. My son
is an upstanding citizen.
Aren't you, Dylan?
J Just sit down.
Zayn, were you at home last night?
- Yeah.
- Can you prove it?
All the lights smashed. How
would I know that if I was out?
Hang on - "All the lights smashed"?
Have you been chucking shit in the house again?
No! Dad, no, no, no. The bulbs,
they literally exploded.
OK? I didn't throw anything.
Yes, you did! You threw a rock at me yesterday.
- It cut my face, there.
- Shut your face!
I'm pressing charges.
Zayn, if you left the house at
any point, you have to tell me
- right now.
- I'm sorry,
is this the trial of Zayn Falkner?
Why are you only asking me?
OK. Fine. Erm
If any of you left the house
Don't put this on my boy,
because Michael's boy is undisciplined.
Shut your pie hole, Apostoli.
I'm too tired for this shit, mate.
The Gnome Queen was stolen last night!
And I
- Are you good?
- Mm. Hot. Hot in here.
Erm, yes.
Just, I I just need that gnome back now.
Brant Sanders is featuring it
in his weather report tomorrow.
Brant Sanders? Isn't he the one who was caught
- with those three hookers?
- Michael, there's children!
Now, Arnold, just because
you caught the kids with a few gnomes yesterday,
that doesn't mean they're
responsible for everything.
Four times. Four times, Cynthia.
- I'm sorry?
- I caught Jenny
making off with or outright destroying
these gnomes on four separate occasions.
Last night was the first time
I brought it to your attention.
That is very bad.
And Dylan, too.
We didn't take it, Lucky! Seriously!
OK, well, if you see anything or hear anything,
just come and report it here,
please, immediately.
And, hopefully, this all
He slipped in it!
Yes, right. Well, of course
they're denying it.
Can't you, you know, use force?
Illegal, is it? That's a shame.
Look, I don't care what you do, just find her!
Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes,
that's why the water here
is just a little bit yellow.
- Oh!
- It's fascinating, isn't it?
- Mm.
- Ah! Rio has the Jesus,
we have the Gnorman with a G.
I have a surprise for you. Follow me.
Oh, don't be put off, but he's a swinger.
- Oh, barkeep?
- Well, smother me crumpets!
- If it ain't Mayor Lachlan!
- Here is
No, dirty.
our master craftsman,
Tobias Black. Have you been well, Toby?
Gnome problems here, sir.
Look, I wonder, perchance,
if you would mind treating
our honoured and esteemed guests
to a little private tour.
Oh, I'd love to, your Mayorness, but I'm afraid
I've got the kiln on back
there. It wouldn't be safe.
Right Yes, of course, no. Well, then, perhaps
you'd like to show them the new
range you've been working on,
Game Of Gnomes. You know nothing, Jon Snow!
He's also done
50 Shades Of Clay!
Not that we'll be putting
any of them in the window!
And speaking of Gnome Queens, Toby has created
a jumbo-sized monarchy range.
I got all the favourites.
- And Harry.
- So cool!
But our hearts are kinda set on the Gnome Queen.
Let us know when you've found her.
Yes, will do. All right now,
off you pop. Bye-bye, now.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Damn it!
I don't want to move to the city, Josie.
You're not gonna move. It's
gonna be me that moves, OK?
I'm scared of the trains.
They're just so loud.
I'm fine!
Drink this.
Electric scooters or something? I don't know.
All right, slackers, we have one job to do -
find the Gnome Queen. So let's focus.
H-h-h-h-hold up hot shot. Look at
this map. You've got widespread
destruction with no clear motive,
and you want to blow all your
resources on some silly
- little missing gnome?
- It's not all the resources.
I thought you were just observing.
Point taken, El, but I have my orders.
- From who?!
- Jose, knock on some doors,
- see what we can rustle up.
- Absolutely.
- Devon
- Officer Abbey will be
staying right here, thank you very much.
- Oh, God, no.
- Interesting turn of events.
I arrive citing a lack of police work in Nompton,
then, all of a sudden, hoo-hoo,
busy, busy! Coincidence?
I hope you're not insinuating
we had anything to do with it.
I wouldn't insinuate, Kipps.
When you in-sin-u-ate, you make
an arse out of you and, er
Hang on.
Sir, I can assure you
that Nompton Police, they had
nothing to do with this.
Nevertheless, I'd like Officer Abbey to help me
get to the bottom of all this.
We're lucky to have
his unique perspective on
this case. Am I right, brother?
Boom.
Devon? Barb's phoned again.
She seemed pretty upset.
I'm guessing it's more stolen gnomes.
No, wait, hang on, no, that can't be.
- I I have her gnomes.
- Hmm?
- Leave it with me.
- Darn it, Arnold,
this is my case!
Well, you are clearly tied up here, so
Well, I'm coming with you.
Well, don't forget your notebook.
- Don't do that.
- Copy.
I thought we were past this shit, mate.
Dad! You know I didn't do anything wrong!
That's not what Arnold thinks.
If you step out of line
one more time, you're grounded again.
Turd of a son.
Fuck's sake
Oh, fucking
This is all I need. Sorry, little guy.
Mr Fluffy!
Mr Fluffy!
Mr Fluffy!
Oi, Fluff-ball, where are you?
- Jenny!
- Oh, Zayn
- Cute contraption, dork.
- It's nothing.
Why won't you just admit
that you stole the big gnome?
Where did you put him?
Bend over and I'll show you.
Oh my God, Zayn. Just tell the truth, please.
Hey, guys, can you please keep your voices down?
And, Zayn, you should know better.
Sorry.
Wait.
Here. You said all the bulbs
in your house blew, yeah?
Jenny, what did you do that for?
That was my favourite chicken, Melba.
And you're sure, really sure
that this wasn't a wild animal?
I'm sure it was that messy little tomboy
and her foreign friend.
You don't mean Jenny and Dylan, do you?
And that other one,
the one whose mum up and left.
Not that I blame her, given everything she has to
deal with at home. Horrible kids!
That husband's no better. You'd
know all about drop-kick
Well, OK, let's, er, let's
get you inside, eh, Barb?
There's your gnomes. You just You head inside.
Thanks for getting me gnomes back.
That's all right
Well, she's fun.
Glad to see attitudes
around here haven't changed.
Jenny and Dylan? This?
No, yeah, obviously, this isn't the kids.
Hey, why does Jenny call you Lucky?
No reason.
I know that face.
What are you not telling me, Arnold?
I don't know. Am I talking to
assessment Eloise or my Ellie?
Sorry. Look, if anything, I think you're right.
I'm sorry, I didn't What?
What did you just say?
We need to put that on record.
One Arnold Kipps admits out loud
that one Eloise McKay is right.
Yeah, yeah, hardy-har.
Yes, this is clearly bigger
than a stolen garden gnome.
I still think it's all connected, though.
Yeah, I agree.
After I visited you last night
and behaved completely reasonably
I don't know what you're talking about.
II went by the hall.
Sorry, what? You were there? What happened?
I I don't know. I can't remember. It was
It was an earthquake, I think.
And the Gnome Queen was definitely still there.
That's all I know. I blacked out.
OK, so whoever took her
must have come by afterwards.
Unless they were there the entire time.
What, old Berty Henrickson? No, no!
Well, maybe, maybe he wasn't
as gung ho about the festival
- as we all thought.
- OK, but why the rampage?
Why? Why all of this?
I don't know. But I can say one thing.
Alcohol makes people
- do strange things.
- Some more than others.
All right. Let's go pay him a visit.
I just spoke to Josie.
- So far, no leads.
- Have I told you about
the time I helped build an orphanage in Kenya?
I am not from there.
Chitundu writes me letters every year.
In fact, I think I happen to
have one on me right here.
- Is she still in town?
- Josie? I believe so. Why?
Well, I'll be at the town hall in five.
"Dear Harvey Poll, I love you. The end."
- Dev?
- Yes.
Things have Things have escalated with Barb,
and I'd like to run it by you
in person. You could
- meet us there, too.
- So, you're not from
the Brong Ahafo region, are
you? Such an exotic culture.
I'll be there.
Dev?
Kipps?
- Kipps!
- Dev?
You're not supposed to go out.
Everyone thinks I'm stealing
gnomes. Well, I'm gonna
- prove them all wrong.
- Can I come?
No, Rosie, it's way too dangerous.
Please don't run away!
Hey, Rosie, that's not what
this is. I'll never leave you.
You know that. But I have to go clear my name,
cos I'm sick of being blamed
for everything and anything
that goes wrong in this god-awful town.
Yeah, it's not fair.
You're only responsible for
half the things that go wrong.
I'll be back soon. Promise.
Say it with me.
- Everything is going to be
- A-OK!
OK. Watch a film.
Nothing MA15+. That includes
Nightmare On Elm Street.
No, no, Reg, listen. If you
don't have it back to me
by the end of the week, I will
call you again.
Yeah. No, mate, I understand
everyone loves The Notebook.
That's the point, everyone loves The Notebook,
so I
Reg? Hello?
We close in five.
Mum, if that's you,
you don't need to pick me up
from work any more. I'm 42.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
Hello?
Mum?
Hello?
Mum?
Hello?
I won't be mad if you pick them up.
OK, who is it?
What?
Anyone there?
I like your DVD pyramid.
Hey! Hey, no! You've got your own thing.
Come on, I can't dunk
in camomile. Just let me dunk.
- No.
- Come on. Devon!
- Absolutely not. No!
- Devon
Where are they?
I don't know. Have you tried calling them?
Yeah. I can't get any reception in here.
What if they've found the Gnome Queen?
Since when do you care about that?
I don't know, I just I kind of figured that if
the festival goes well,
then more people will want
to move here. More people
more police.
Josie
Fine
- Thank you!
- One dunk. One.
- Hey, guys.
- Ah, Kipps.
Look, we were just at Barb's.
Someone has mutilated
- her chickens.
- Oh, my God!
Yeah, it was bad. I think
Ellie's right. We need to
change the entire way
we're dealing with this thing.
- I'm gonna speak to Harvey.
- Oh, my God,
enough with Harvey! It's just overwhelming.
I'm gonna get him to postpone
the evaluations, just at least
for a couple of days.
Oh. Well, that would be lovely.
Thank you. So, what do we do now? I mean,
do we just stop looking for the Gnome Queen?
No. No, no, we need
to find her. But, look, I know
the last few days haven't been
easy for any of us.
I mean, I've not been my, er
I've not been my best self.
But we're good cops, right?
Let's get back to acting like it.
- What do you need?
- Let's start from scratch.
Big picture. You search the hall, see if they've
left anything behind. Ellie and I are gonna
track down Mr Henrickson.
Berty? Well, I mean, his car's over by VideOzone.
Oh, well, that's, er, that's convenient.
- Why?
- Er, nothing.
Well, I just have a little
I have something I need to do.
Anyway, let's go.
Evan?
It's me. It's Arn.
Just dropping them back.
Evan?
Christ!
Can't just pop them in the return chute?
No. They're overdue.
Evan?
Evan, you all right back there?
Evan?
Evan?
Guys!
Jesus! Almost popped an eardrum.
Hey, Arnold, have you solved that little problem?
- Shh!
- What?
Have you found the Gnome Queen? Get back, sir!
What? Oh, goody.
Hey, guys, you won't believe
what Dev and I just
found.
You think this'll affect the Gnome Festival?
Come out. Show yourself.
I know you're the one stealing the gnomes.
And we won't stop until we know everything