Golden Axe (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Yuria,
once a land of peace, prosperity,
and surprisingly good
Mexican food,
has fallen under a dark shadow.
Village by village,
Death Adder's evil
continues to spread.
But there are heroes
who endeavor to stop him.
Ax Battler,
Tyris Flare and Chronos Lait
ride to liberate
the desert village of Da'shin.
And, my gods, they are sexy.
Scantily clad,
with their muscles
and their blue fur.
Oh, wait, am I attracted to cats?
Meanwhile, their less attractive
former quest-mate
Gilius Thunderhead
and his picnic-loving
apprentice Hampton Squib
also ride for Da'shin.
They're just going
a little slower.
Wait up! Gilius!
-Gilius!
-Like, way slower.
Where are they even?
It doesn't snow
anywhere near Da'shin.
I know. My mom's boyfriend
lives there.
Ah. Freaking finally.
Gilius and Hampton
can begin the
Wait, where is Hampton?
Ah, there he is.
This kid's gonna be a problem.
Think we could take, like,
a three-, four-second break?
-Just three or four more now.
-Stay alert, Hampton.
Evil lurks nearby.
Hey! Good morrow!
Welcome to the desert village
of Da'shin!
Have you come for the parade?
I love parades.
We're celebrating the one-week
anniversary of our liberation
at the hands of Ax,
Tyris and Chronos.
Yay for them!
A full week?!
That means they're
several days ahead of us!
You should have seen it.
The bad guys were screaming,
"Aah!" And Tyris was like,
"Battle cry!"
And then this one evil minion
was like,
"I'm going to decapitate you."
But Ax decapitated him,
and he let me keep the head.
"Dying was worth it
to meet my best friend Marcus."
Oh, head.
Hampton, kill this man.
Stupid Ax and Tyris
and their stupid panther.
-Get to Da'shin before me
-You know, when I'm upset,
it sometimes helps when
a friend tells me to calm down.
You don't get it!
We are losing!
Death Adder's
the one who's losing.
Did you not see the parade?--
Our quest is
to defeat Death Adder,
not watch Ax and Tyris
defeat Death Adder.
Gilius, sometimes I wonder
whether you care more
about defeating Death Adder
or some personal beef.
The beef!
I care way more about the beef!
Ax and Tyris are headed
for the Ancient Mound,
and we've got no hope
of catching them.
You are slowing us down, Hampton!
Maybe I am slow.
But perhaps
I could point out that,
while I'm traveling
on these thin, spindly legs,
you have a majestic
ride able beast.
Who is standing
in the campfire.
Ah, yes.
Behold his majesty!
Get out of there, you beaked ham!
Death Adder's power is growing.
Finding you a ride able beast
will take time we don't have.
I know I can ride
Chicken Leg with you!
Wait, what is Chicken Leg's
saddle made out of?
I'm allergic to most leathers.
Oh, I can sit on your lap!
Death Adder can wait.
We'll get you a ride able beast.
Aw. I was kind of liking
the new plan.
These skeletons
are impossible to kill.
Step aside, pecs.
I'll handle this.
Why
won't you die?!
Ha-ha!
You thought
to make me look a fool,
but now it is you
who are wearing a foolish look
and cannot take it off.
Huh.
I think I said too many words.
I need to sit down.
Wait,
we haven't killed
any of these guys?
Can we please use our magic now?
-Absolutely not.
-What? Why?!
Oh, you're in for it.
Now she's going to explain
how magic works.
But in a way
that hurts your feelings.
For those of you
who are new at this
if we use our magic now,
we'll be defenseless
until we're able to restock
which, even as a
first-year squire would know
Ooh, tell him, Ty.
We can only do
by kicking a small imp
with a bag full of potions
who creeps
around the campfire at night.
You kick an imp to get magic?
Yes, his name is Janzu.
He wears little blue pajamas.
That's the way
it's always been in Yuria.
None of this is going to matter
if we die here.
The half-cat has made
a full point.
I'm going for it.
Earth magic!
-Yes!
-If we die later
because we're out of magic,
I'm killing you both.
Fire magic!
I'm not liking the look of that.
You're cooking my marrow!
Behold
the awesome might of Chronos
and the raw, unchecked power
of his fog magic!
Did he say "fog magic"?
Oh, he sure did.
That's fog, all right.
Is Chronos's magic just
wet air?
It smells like
it's been inside him all day.
So, earth magic,
fire magic and ground cloud?
I feel bad for Ax and Tyris.
This new guy's embarrassing.
They're retreating!
What a rush!
Another win for the C-man.
I feel like I could fly.
Flying would be cool.
Is that a magic you can also do?
Along with the f-fog thing?
Oh, gods, no.
You got a taste
of maximum Chronos.
Rock kick!
Fog magic, baby!
Ooh, my first ride able beast!
I hope I find what you have
with Chicken Leg.
A real connection.
A merging of souls.
Hampton, you don't bond
with ride able beasts.
They're not magic fairies.
They're wild animals
with brains the size of peanuts.
There are two ways
to get a ride able:
you either kill someone
who has one or you buy one.
Which one did you do
for Chicken Leg?
Uh, both. I killed the guy
I bought it from.
He was a bad guy. I think.
Rideable beasts!
Get your ride able beasts!
I got two legs! I got four!
I got slimers! I got climbers!
Hello. I'm interested
in purchasing a ride able beast.
Ah, very nice.
Uh, how much
you looking to spend?
Gee, I don't know. Maybe 20
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't do numbers.
Show me with your hands.
I'm not sure I understand.
Uh, this much?
Ho-ho! Right this way,
big spender.
Purple ride able?
Don't see a lot
of those these days.
Must cost a fortune to feed.
Nah, this thing eats
trash and bones.
Last week, he ate his own shit.
Sort of a closed circuit
at this point.
You know, I could make you an
offer, take him off your hands.
But you'd probably never sell.
Oof, I don't know.
What were you thinking?
-This much?
-Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Well, we're definitely talking.
This one is scared of water.
This one's wings are broken.
This one has a disease it gave
to most of the other ones.
And this one
huh, died.
Oh, nope! Dying.
They all seem so sad.
That's because of the cages.
They are not big enough.
How can you treat these
noble creatures like this?
Takes a lot of hard work, but we make it happen.
Aw, he's so cute.
Uh, she is food.
We feed these lovely ladies
to the others.
Now what do you say?
Want to make
one of these little guys
slightly happier
than they are now?
I don't recommend this one.
You look at me in this cage,
behind these bars,
but I ask of you, am I not a man?
Do not answer him.
Trust me
there is no right answer.
How 'bout this much?
Okay, y-you're seeing
my armpits here, pal.
Ride like the wind, Sluggy!
Gilius, run!
No time to explain!
I freed all the beasts!
I guess that's
all you need to know!
What the hell?!
Hyah!
Curse you!
Curse you this much!
You freed all the beasts?!
Yeah! Even the one
that might be a person
and might be a horse!
Should I flee
to the forest and roam free
or stay here and get a job?
I'm caught between two worlds!
Ugh, does that thing
have to be right here?
She's cold.
And I think she might be sick.
He got it on me!
He got it on me!
Oh, there's chunks.
There's chunks in my beard!
I'm sure Daisy will feel better
in the morning.
Daisy? You named this monster?
I sort of feel like
the name chose her.
Hampton, you're on this quest
because, for some reason,
the Emerald Blade chose you.
But you have a lot to learn.
No more going rogue,
and no more bleeding hearts.
-Got it?
-Yes. Absolutely.
I will do my best, Gilius.
Good. Now that thing needs
to sleep over by Chicken Leg.
What if Chicken Leg eats her?
Well, then I'll lie to you and
tell you she went to a farm.
You'll go along with it,
but, deep down,
you won't believe it.
Chicken Leg.
Somebody took him.
Who would take Chicken Leg?
Death Adder.
Worst guy I can think of.
This is your fault!
Those beast dealers
came looking for revenge
and stole Chicken Leg.
And I could've sold him
for this much.
-How much is that?
-I don't know!
I was too embarrassed to admit
I didn't understand the system!
Look!
Gilius, Daisy's caught the scent!
Let's go, Daisy!
Try to keep up, old man!
Mm. Hmm?
Ooh, I hope no one
catches me by the fire.
I have so many magic potions
in my wittle bag.
Janzu, you must depart
before Chronos hears you.
Oh, no! You woke up!
Please don't kick me
and make me drop
all my wet, wet potions.
Janzu, you little harlot.
-We don't want your magic.
-Mmm.
Playing hard to get?
Hey!
This must be the magic man!
Why didn't you wake me up?
Uh-oh. Is kitty mad at Janzu?
Mmm!
Ooh!
Ax, I cannot smell
that fog again.
Quick, let's kill Chronos.
Or we could stop him
from picking up the magic?
Fine.
Actually, Tyris and I were
talking and we were thinking
maybe we do the next fight
without magic.
Why is Tyris
filling up her satchel?
Ooh! Oh!
Ow! Ooh! Ooh!
Mmm!
Oh, I see
what's going on here.
You guys are jealous
of my fog magic.
We're not jealous.
It's just that your magic
is stupid
and harms our reputation.
Tyris, be gentle.
We all have
our irritating habits.
Not me.
Oh, come on.
Your battle grunts? Every time
you swing your sword,
it's like
You think that's irritating?
Every time you stab
a skeleton in the chest,
you shout,
"Ribbed for my pleasure!"
That doesn't mean anything.
-They have ribs.
-And you know what else?
Your name is Ax Battler,
but you fight with a sword.
It's a superior weapon!
Then you should call yourself
Sword Battler!
That's an inferior name!
I feel like we're off-track.
Where are we landing
on the fog magic of it all?
"Excuse me.
Do you happen
to carry ride able necks?"
This is one crazy head.
Marcus, please. It's bad enough
you kept that thing,
but this is so disrespectful.
-"Nuh-uh."
-Enough.
Give me the head.
"Take me out to dinner first."
"Whoa!"
"Talk about putting
our heads together."
Marcus! Are you okay?
Why are you doing this?
I know you stole Chicken Leg,
and I'm here to get him back.
What? I What?
I would never steal
a man's ride able.
I have too much respect
for the sacred bond
between rider and beast.
Then what is in here?!
They caught me.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Easy, easy, noble creature.
I see you, and I know you see me.
Let us merge souls.
Chicken Leg!
What are you doing?!
Scram! Quit beast-blocking.
We're bonding here.
No, he belongs to my friend.
Whoa! I didn't know
he was taken.
You were standing
in the beam of light.
You know what you were doing.
Chicken Leg!
Gilius is gonna be so happy.
Let's go!
Come on, Chicken Leg.
We got to find Gilius.
Wait.
Do you not want to go?
Did you run away?
But why would you run away
from Gilius?
Is it because he's gruff
and impatient
and never once complimented
your fur collar
even though he knows
it keeps you warm
and gives you confidence?
That's it, isn't it?
Oh. Hey, Chicken Leg,
you remember Daisy.
Chicken Leg, no!
So, I've got this idea
for a business.
Tunics. But for guys like me.
Are there other guys like you?
-I sure hope so.
-I don't.
Chicken Leg,
don't eat your sister!
Chicken Leg!
-Hyah!
-Ow!
Don't spur me.
We speak the same language.
-Just say "go" and I'll go.
-My gods, forget it.
No! Chicken Leg, stop!
No, no. She's not food,
Chicken Leg.
She's your sister. Uh-uh.
Aw! Chicken Leg!
Gilius!
I mean, good morrow, Gilius.
What the hell is wrong
with that thing?
I don't know. But I do know
what's wrong with Chicken Leg.
You. That's right.
Chicken Leg ran away.
Daisy, please.
I'm trying to talk to Gilius.
Chicken Leg is sick
of the way you treat him,
and, you know what, so am I.
Uh, can we have
this conversation later?
Oh, am I slowing you down
too much?
Well, maybe it's time
that you slow down
and appreciate
what people do for you.
Oh, gods!
Hey, Gilius?
Chicken Leg and I
are ready to talk
about what's happening
with Daisy.
Gilius, when we parted,
there were things left unsaid.
I wonder what he was gonna say.
This must be why they feed
these things to the beasts
while they're still slugs.
Excellent observation at an
extremely inappropriate time!
Thank you.
Gilius, what should we do?
Just keep dive rolling!
Unleash hell, Chicken L
I told you he was mad at you.
My gods, can everyone put their
feelings aside for one second?
Oh, gods!
Chicken Leg!
Gilius, you have to let go!
I can't! He's my best
Your best what, Gilius?
Your best what?!
Swallowed by a monster.
Oh, gods! I'm so scared.
I'm being even more cowardly
than I sound right now.
This is where we die.
You don't even spell
your name right.
-A-X? It makes no sense.
-Ha.
Yes, it does.
"Axe" with an "E,"
except if it's me.
That's insane.
-Then why does it rhyme?
-Enough!
Yeah, you grunt way too loud
when you battle.
And you should
totally use an axe.
It would make way more sense.
But you have to keep it down.
These ruins
could be crawling with
Skeletons!
Ha-ha-ha.
Aah
I mean
Yah.
Foul fiends, prepare to fall
under the blade of my
name-appropriate weapon!
Whoa! Oh!
Oh, it's so top-heavy.
I should've used a sword!
-Should've used a sword!
-Ha.
-Yah. Yah.
-Enough!
Y'all need a fog break.
I was just figuring out how
to use this terrible weapon.
Dispel your fog
so that I may vanquish my enemy
in a quiet and ladylike manner.
Ugh. Smells like
the sweaty crease on a centaur
where the horse becomes the guy.
We're never gonna win
with this tension between us.
I'm not gonna clear the fog
until you two clear the air.
Now everybody say something
nice about each other.
No wrong answers in the fog.
Just wrong odors.
Fine. I'll go first because
I'm the leader and the bravest.
Horrible start.
Tyris, I know I said
I didn't like your grunts,
but they can be inspiring.
And sometimes when you're
not around, I grunt, too.
Wow. Brave. Thank you, Ax.
-Tyris?
-Okay, fine.
Even though it doesn't make
any sense that you use a sword,
you are very good
at wielding it. And
you're a fast swimmer.
Now anyone want
to say something nice
about a certain
panther-person's fog?
Uh, the smell grows on you?
Thank you.
Now let's murder some skeletons.
Okay.
Oh. Yeah. Fog magic
is poisonous to skeletons.
Did I not say that?
No wonder you guys hated it.
It's a bad design.
Oh, gods!
I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die,
I'm gonna die!
I'm not gonna die.
Behold the Emerald Blade!
Why isn't it working?!
I'm gonna die!
Of all the morons in the world,
why did the Emerald Blade
choose Hampton?
What? You think
it's my fault we're in here?
You're the one who ran away.
Oh, gods.
This is it. Fine.
Maybe you ran off
because I was a little insulting.
But in my defense,
I thought you didn't understand
because of your tiny
little peabrain.
It was a jo
Oh, you're so sensitive. Look!
I followed you into this
monster's stomach, didn't I?
Doesn't that count for something?
Really?
You need me to say it now?
Fine. Fine.
I-I appreciate you, Chicken Leg.
I know I'm impatient and gruff,
but you're a damn good ride able
and my best friend.
S-Sort-sort of. By default.
And Hampton has potential.
There. I've said
what I really feel.
If you can talk, which I've
always suspected you can,
now would be the time.
That was extremely unsatisfying.
Gilius!
You're alive!
Unbelievable. Hampton,
you must've annoyed
this monster so badly
that it chose
to take its own life.
Ha. Quick-witted as ever.
Oh. A real theory.
Oh, no, I had help.
Are these
the ride able beasts you freed?
Indeed. They were amazing.
You said my dawdling
would get us into trouble,
but I helped those animals,
and they came back to help us.
Or maybe they were just hungry.
Either way,
we've wasted enough time.
Death Adder's out there,
and, even more importantly,
Ax and Tyris are closer
to him than we are.
Great. Let me just choose
one of these beasts,
and we'll be off.
They seem busy.
Hop on.
This is fun!
Faster, faster, faster,
faster, faster!
We need to get you a ride.
Oh, hey, Gilius.
Ugh, not him. Never him.
I want what they have.
A real connection.
A merging of souls.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Chirp.