G'wed (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Feel like you're holding back, mate.
If we're gonna put this online,
we're gonna need more from you.
Like more arrogance in your face.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
That's it.
CHEERING
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY PLAYS
BOOING
'Who's that?'
It's just the morons outside.
They think they're funny,
making my grandma do random things,
then they put it on TikTok.
"Scounsenancausingmayhem"
or something.
'That's your nan? No way!
Are they live now?'
CHEERING
WHOOPING
Did I miss the Ronaldo? Siuuuu!
Hey, great shout with the shirt off,
Pat.
You absolutely smashed it.
Completely silenced the Bernabeu.
Last one now, eh, boys?
She doesn't like you.
'Ooh, what's she gonna do now?'
COMMENTARY CONTINUES
CHEERING
You said you were gonna get me
free bingo tickets.
I did. I got you them
for last Saturday, lad!
You know I go to Angie's tango class
on a Saturday. You know that, Reece.
LAUGHING
That's heavy, that, lad.
Lingering beef about that quid
I took for going the shop for her!
Let me do one. Let me do one.
If I was a professional,
my trademark celebration
would be running into the crowd,
putting me face
right into Reece's ma's arse
and while I am in there,
pointing to the heavens.
CHEERS
Oh, here we go!
Sorry to disturb your lunchbreak,
but I have sent out an email
because it's National Diversity
and Inclusion Week.
When's it gonna be
you leave us alone week?
I don't care if
a Jaffa Cake identifies as a cake.
Belongs in the biscuit tin.
Mr Meacher and I have set up
a homework task.
You need to pair yourselves up
with someone who is your opposite
and experience their lives
over the next few days.
Just sit down, Brimble!
ALL CHANT: Sit down, Brimble.
Sit down, Brimble.
Sit down, Brimble.
Sit down, Brimble.
On Wednesday
you will both do a presentation
in front of the whole school.
GROANING
You'll speak about your differences
and what common ground you found.
No-one cares.
Embrace it. Share it.
Celebrate it.
BOOING
And Mr Meacher is offering a £500
prize for the winning presentation.
CHEERING
Who would your opposite be?
Probably just
someone really unpopular, like
..like her.
God, you know, I can't be arsed
with these presentations.
I'm just not gonna win, am I?
Oh, yous are so cute together.
Cheers, girl. And do you know what?
It doesn't matter that
he doesn't speak English
cos I know exactly what he's saying
through his eyes.
Like just then, he said,
"I'm going for me lunch."
So, the Brimble just came up to you
and asked to be partners?
Well, she asked us
if I was a practising Muslim first.
I told her "na'am",
which is "yeah" in Arabic.
You won't get away with that, lad.
Aw, we should be partners, mate.
I could win this.
Diversity loves a gay.
That's one of
the most beautifully tolerant things
you've ever said to me. Thank you.
Knob!
I'm fuming. How am I supposed
to show my acting skills
when this is who I'm put with?
Smoked someone the other day.
A Manchester United fan?
Oh, yeah, fucking scruff. Divvy.
Oh, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Oh, sorry, he's just finishing
Pro Clubs on FIFA.
Do you know, I feel for you, girl.
Cos you know, me and Ziad,
we were practising our audition
this morning,
and you can proper get in the zone
with the right partner.
Sir, me and Ziad,
we're gonna audition next.
Now, he is from Libya,
so he doesn't speak English,
so we're gonna do, like,
a non-verbal audition.
Well, that's not gonna work.
Why?
Are you racist against people
who don't speak English, sir?
Are you a big, bad Nazi,
are you, sir?
Why do you look so guilty, sir?
We
Get your kit off.
Show us you haven't got
a swastika tattoo, sir.
Erm Ziad,
in no way did I intend
Sir, he doesn't speak English.
Oh, now
you're just a patronising racist!
Come on, Ziad,
let's prove to the racists
that we can show Romeo and Juliet's
connection without language.
Sorry.
# Baby, I'm
# Dancing in the dark
# With you between my arms #
Down.
OK.
No.
SHE GROANS
SHE SIGHS
SHE MOANS LOUDLY
Thank you.
IN ARABIC:
Lucky bastard!
BUZZING
Dad, I'm bringing this girl over,
but I kinda told her
I was a proper Muslim
so I could do
this opposites homework with her.
Astaghfirullah! I tell you
never to bring evil white girl
to this house, Mohammed.
I don't care how serious you are.
Your grandad's been trying to get
you in a mosque for years.
Now some girl comes along,
and you wanna pretend to be Muslim.
Are you having a laugh?
All right.
Son, what's this girl like?
That's one word.
And we're celebrating
Eid "al-Hadda".
Adha.
Adha. Yeah, Dad, are you gonna help?
'Yeah. Go on, then.'
So, like, I know you're gay,
but surely if that bird who played
Wonder Woman wanted you,
you obviously would?
Oh, yeah, I'd completely abandon
me whole genetic and hormonal
make-up for her. Yeah.
Yeah.
You see, what's good is
you're gonna get to experience
a progressive, modern-day
Muslim family.
Yeah. Wow.
They're here. Press play.
Astaghfirullah!
You are a disgrace!
I shall never forgive you.
Eid Mubarak.
Apologies for my wife's behaviour.
Er, she is practising seclusion
from public observation and
had the audacity to show her feet.
I still see your toeys.
Dad, it's Eid, and
women celebrate with us. Remember?
You're right.
She may join us for five minutes.
Mum!
NOISE FROM PHONE
I thought you wanted me to teach you
how to be more earnest in life?
I am earnest, me.
Today, I taught Miss Prescott
that if she had an OnlyFans,
I'd defo subscribe.
Why, when you've already made
your mind up about me?
So just put a slide up saying,
"The difference between me and Reece
in ten years."
Then photoshop a pic of you
in a suit with a £50 note,
snorting cocaine
off Jacob Rees-Mogg's bum cheeks.
Then me, in a pair of
Reebok Classics, looking chavtastic,
standing outside the job centre
with me 13 kids.
Christopher, I'm home.
What are you doing that for?
You don't seem to care
about doing any work.
Are you even going to uni or
is that a bit too grown-up for you?
Lad, I'm starting
a joinery apprenticeship as soon as.
I'll be earning
a decent wage for a nice house
whilst you're sucking off
the manager of Lidl,
desperate for a job cos
you're 50 grand in debt after uni.
Then who'll be the grown-up one?
Christopher!
TURNS THE VOLUME UP
What are you doing that for?
I don't know. It's funny, innit?
I just want her to think that
we're shagging.
Turn it off!
What are you doing? Get off me top!
Come 'ead!
OPERA MUSIC
MOANING FROM PHONE
GROANING FROM PHONE
You boys are certainly throwing
yourselves
into this get to know each other
homework.
Soz, Pat.
Chrissy's a bit of a squealer.
SQUEALS
It is great that
you all eat from the same plate.
It's uniquely intimate. So bonding.
I have something for you.
SHE LAUGHS
Erm
Mohammed, why is she looking
so confused, huh? Is she not happy?
You said the mahr for the marriage
had been agreed.
Yeah.
It's such an honour to welcome you
to our family,
you know,
as my future daughter-in-law.
Sorry, what?
He's always wanted to control
the woman.
You have. You have.
Remember when you were a little boy?
You used to take that Barbie.
He'd say, "You're my wife.
"You're my wife,
and I'm gonna hide your passport,
"tie you to a radiator."
It was so cute. It was so funny.
You can't say that!
Sorry, I think
there's been a misunderstanding.
I am not here to be Mo's wife.
I-I am here to learn
about your religion.
Apologies.
Would you please excuse him, just
while he prepares the main course?
Mm!
BLEATING
What's he playing at?
We will now begin
our Eid Qurbani celebration.
The ritual slaughter of a goat.
Would our guest of honour
like to perform the sacrifice?
Erm No, I respect your religion,
but I would rather not.
Well, then,
Cutthroat Mo takes the reins again.
That's what we call him cos
when he was five, he was a natural,
real thirst for blood.
Hm, so murderous.
Mum. Dad, that is no longer
a tradition we follow.
Dad!
Just Yeah, just give me a second.
Sorry.
LAUGHING,
BLEATING
Yous aren't funny!
Cutthroat Mo strikes again.
Sir, why are you only seeing
lads and girls audition?
Are you a homophobe
as well as a racist?
Romeo and Ricardo for the win.
Ted makes a great point,
and we need to be more inclusive
with the languages for Ziad.
I've popped an Arabic translation
I found in the WhatsApp group.
Maybe Mo and Ziad
would like to audition as a pair?
Erm Yeah. Sound.
IN ARABIC:
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Classic Shakespeare.
Conflict to resolution.
Fantastic, boys.
Oh, there you are, mate.
Listen, I really need your help.
Reckon you've got any pictures
of Pat when she was younger?
Cos I'm seeing hallmarks
of a decent bum, you know.
I'm only messing.
Though if you had any, I'd probably
wanna look out of curiosity.
But anyway, you know Reece's ma?
That really shy and retiring woman?
No, she didn't.
Mate, swear down. We were in the
canteen, brought me over Alphabites,
gave me a wink and I looked at them
and I realised,
if I moved them round, it spelt out,
"I want you, Con."
I had to use the "O" more than once,
but that's just a mistake
on her part.
That wasn't a coincidence. There's
a lot of things that could spell.
No, mate, secret code.
SIGHS
Proper torn now, lad.
Cos it's banter.
But it's not banter because
I wanna do it.
Just, Reece is me mate.
You should go for it.
Well, if this week at school
has taught us anything,
it's to be your authentic self,
and people should accept that.
Yeah. And my authentic self wants
his head right up Jodie's arse.
Nice one, lad. I'll see you later.
Aye, pilgrim,
lips that they must use in prayer.
Oh, then, dear saint,
let lips do what hands do.
Saints do not move,
though grant for prayers' sake.
Then move not
while my prayer's effect I take.
Nah, no, I'm not havin' this, me.
Right in me face like that.
I'm back tomorrow.
You're dead, you sweaty lizard.
Gold star English student.
HE SPEAKS
Look
Oh, my God, he's still pretending.
And here's me telling Aims
we don't need to vet you
cos I know you'll pass.
I vetted you anyway
because she's my mate,
and something about you is dodgy.
In a non-racist way.
We did the usual background check of
all your socials for any scandals,
looking at your internet history
to make sure
you're not a perv
and no naughty shoes.
And you only just passed that one,
by the way.
You've been added, lad.
Yeah, you have.
So, don't you ever speak
to either of us again in English
Mia-Louise!
SPEAKS ARABIC
Come back.
So, what was Reece like as a kid?
He struggled.
Wasn't his fault.
He had a lot to deal with.
We didn't have any heating.
Sometimes, the only food
we could afford was 9p Netto beans.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I had to send him
out into the street to steal
other people's hubcaps and
when we were really desperate
I had to shove him
through people's cat flaps,
to break into their houses.
He was only four years old.
HE SIGHS
Well, I see now
why he is the way he is.
I'm winding you up, soft arse.
Never mind
what you see on the telly.
We're not all sitting round,
eating crack out of a bin bag.
Look, I suppose you can say
..that it's only ever been
me and him.
So, I'm very proud
of the man that he's becoming.
Oi, oi, here he is.
Here's that tenner, son.
Ah! Nice one, Mum.
Oh, so you can bend down?
Well, in that case, you can go
and pick up your dirty plate
and put it in the dishwasher,
lazy arse.
Right, I'm off to work.
Give us that tenner back.
Nice one. G'wed.
See you later. Love you. Love you.
I think it's really great you're
so committed to your schoolwork.
Bet your mum would have been
dead proud of you.
Hey, Connor came onto me ma
last night.
Nah, it's not funny, lad.
He told me you told him to do it.
He actually did it?
What did you say that to him for?
Nah, banter's funny.
But nobody treats me ma like that.
No, you should know better.
You're lucky if
I even do this presentation later.
Though I suppose
we can tell everyone
how we're so different, then, cos
one of us is proper disrespectful.
APPLAUSE
Good afternoon to you all.
Here at Allsbrooke, we are proud
to promote a school culture
that values diversity.
So, without further ado,
first up, we have Connor and Ted.
It's mad cos
CHUCKLING
..I love girls' arses,
and he loves lads' arses, don't you?
Kieran and Lewis.
Our main differences are,
he benches 270
I bench 275.
And if you look,
they're not really that different.
Mine and Kieran's common ground is
we both generally love a good scrap.
We'll batter anyone who wants it
and batter them again if needs be.
Just slightly different in shape.
So, maybe me and Ted aren't
that different, either.
HE SOBS
APPLAUSE
But we're most similar
cos we're both humans,
and humans make mistakes.
I bet any one of them sound lads
there on that picture made mistakes.
Will you?
Is that a pebble?
Lewis, are you messing?
It's not about the mistake.
I want someone that'll push me
out of me comfort zone.
She's had you off!
You're not me Romeo.
LAUGHTER
Fuck off!
CHANTING
I asked Mo's parents to tell me
a Muslim prayer
What?
So, if you could please all join me
in a call to Salah.
No, no
# Sal-ah, la-la-la-la. #
Is this real?
I can't believe he said that to her.
If he's good enough for you
he's good enough for me.
AUDIENCE: # Sitting in a mosque
That's where I wanna be
# La-la-la-la-la
# If he's good enough for you
He's good enough for me. #
OK. OK
OK.
And now for the final pairing,
we have Reece and Christopher.
There were many differences
I experienced when being with Reece,
but in truth,
I started to understand them.
I now understand that a family
can abuse each other non-stop
but love each other very much.
And I think love was our
common ground, a love for our mums.
LAUGHTER
You all laugh,
but you love your parents, too.
It's just Reece has got the balls
to show it.
He always sticks up for her,
and he always defends her.
I remember
a time I was out with my mum,
and these idiots my age
were harassing her,
saying idiotic things about her
and I did nothing.
So, I guess
our biggest common ground was
our fondness for our mums.
I just wish
I'd shown my fondness more.
Show your loved ones you care
before it's too late.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I think we have our winners.
Lad, we're loaded!
Do you reckon we try and get tickets
for the Liverpool game?
Good afternoon, everyone.
This is the moment
we've all been waiting for,
the moment we announce
the cast of the school play.
You see here at Allsbrooke,
character is destiny,
and playing the characters
of Romeo and Juliet are
Who-a-a-a-a!
..Aimee and Christopher.
CHEERING
But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
It is the east.
And Mia-Louise is the sun.
Do one, you liar.
Look, when we first met,
you assumed I didn't speak English,
and you seemed to like
that about me,
so I played along because
cos you are so beautiful.
I-I wanted to tell you the truth,
but you kept talking
about our eyes communicating.
I was afraid you'd think
our connection wasn't real.
But it is.
Because it's not about our mouths.
It's not even about our eyes.
It's about our hearts.
Well, just give me a sec, then.
PHONE PINGS
Pass the ball, lad.
KNOCK ON DOOR
I found these on the kitchen table.
It's two tickets for Friday
off Mo's ma.
You can take one of your bessies
from Angie's tango class.
I wanna squash this beef, Pat.
I'm sick
of always looking over me shoulder.
Oh, get in!
'What a goal!'
Siuuu!
Siuuu!
Siuuu!