Half Man (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
You look nervous.
No, I'm not. I'm just
I don't know.
It feels big.
You'll be fine.
You're always fine.
The only positive about having
a hyperactive brain
is it's never as bad
as you expect it to be.
Great.
Good pep talk, Mum.
Here.
Got you something.
Finally.
A way out.
Shut up!
It was your father’s sgian dubh.
- You wear it in your sock.
- Yeah, I know.
Can it go
via the left ventricle?
You're making a lot
of death jokes
for a man getting hitched
in a few hours.
No, I'm fine.
I want to do this. It's just
I don't know.
I want it to work out.
Hmm.
I mean, your marriage worked out
in the end, did it not?
Meh.
He got ill so quickly,
I could never really tell.
He always made a lot
of effort too, which put me off.
Your dad was a lot more fun
when he was spurning our dates
and never calling me back.
That's why I got on
so well with Maura.
We never signed a contract
saying we expected more
from one another.
Are you missing her?
I miss them both.
Yeah.
What about Ruben?
Any feelings there?
Uh
Yeah, I suppose.
Maybe a
small part of me, you know,
misses him.
Well, that's something.
Now what do you mean,
"That's something"?
No, I just
Look.
I don't know
how to tell you this.
But he's on his way.
You're joking?
No. He found out this morning.
I don't know how.
But he'll be here any minute.
Niall. Come and say hi.
Eighteen years.
I know it's only 20 minutes
down the road, but still.
What am I gonna do
with all my excess cortisol?
Oh! Here.
I got you something.
A little moving-in present.
I was going to get
"Number One Student,"
but it was 20 pence a letter,
and to be honest,
you haven't proved yourself yet.
Wow, big font.
Almost reads like an insult.
I love it. Thank you.
- How you feeling?
- Yeah.
Pretty overwhelmed.
Just hope I find my people,
you know.
You will. This place is full
of nerds and virgins.
Embrace it, Niall.
This is a fresh start.
A chance to figure out
who you are a bit.
- Away from Ruben.
- Oh, Mum, I don't know
why you keep bringing
that up all the time.
- We're just close.
- You're too close. Honestly.
You should see the pair of you
when you're together.
You strut around town
like you'll never pay taxes.
- What's wrong with that?
- It doesn't suit you, Niall.
You're not a strutter.
You don't have the legs for it.
He is gonna want to visit, Mum.
I know, but just
bed in a little bit
before inviting him, yeah?
I just think it would be good
for you to see what life is like
without his light
blinding your eyes.
Shall we?
Go make friends now.
I don't want to come back here
in four years' time
to find you conversing
with a pot plant.
I will.
And don't call Ruben!
Jesus, Mum, I won't.
I'll be fine without him.
I promise.
Just a minute!
Hi. What's your name?
- I'm Niall.
- I'm Joanna.
Why are you sitting in the dark?
Oh, no, I wasn't.
Well, I was, but I was having
a power nap, you know,
ahead of a big Freshers.
You nap in your shoes?
Yeah.
It's a time-saving thing,
so I can wake up and hit the bar
straight away, you know?
Right.
Anyway, wanna join?
We're doing pre-drinks,
then we're going to the union.
Non-stop New Wave all night.
Yeah. Yeah, I love New Wave.
Oh, amazing.
Who's your favorite?
Uh
Jonny and the New Waves.
Right.
Well, see you in a bit.
- Wahey! There he is!
This is Neil,
the final flatmate.
Oh, actually, my name's
This is Celeste,
a French exchange student.
Porridge man! Come save me!
Do you want a drink?
You've got one choice,
and that's vodka.
I'll have a vodka
with a tiny splash
of vodka, then.
Just a vodka, please.
Vodka and porridge?
Now, there's a combination.
Sorry, what's this
porridge thing?
Celeste wants a Scottish man.
One like the cereal box.
You know, the man with the kilt
throwing the boulder.
I told her
Scotland's nothing like that.
If anything, it should be
a fat bloke with diabetes
throwing a sausage roll.
Right, enough
of this mindless chit-chat.
Let's get out of this rat den
and go clubbing.
Hello.
Oh.
Hello.
- I'm Alby. You must be Neil.
- Oh, I'm
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, no, I don't do handshakes.
I feel like
it's a social construct
designed to keep us apart.
But it's a pleasure, seriously.
Have you met the others?
Experienced, more like.
Yeah. Did they, uh, ply you
with cheap vodka?
Certainly did.
Do you fancy helping?
No, I don't drink.
I never have, really.
Wow. Tha That's crazy.
Yeah, just the old
bog-standard heroin for me.
Are we ready to go?
I want to meet a porridge man
by midnight.
She means you, Neil.
You can be her porridge man.
Ignore her. She's proletariat.
- Uh See you later.
- Have fun.
Celeste is hot for you.
She wants to sow your oats,
porridge man.
I really hope
this porridge man thing
- doesn't catch on.
- Are you going to bang?
She's fit. Like, really fit.
Well, I'll let her learn
my name first.
- What, Neil?
- Oh, no. Actually, my name
Do you think Alby's gay?
What? What makes you say that?
I don't know, just a suspicion.
There was this guy at my school
who was gay,
and he didn't really know
how to join in either.
It seems to be a
a sign, you know?
Come on, have some shots.
We've unlocked the beast.
I box, you know, and I smoke
hash. I have some on me now, in fact.
What happened to the guy
in the flat?
Like, what have you done
with him?
Cheers.
Right. Let's go.
Oh, nicely rolled.
You're a dark horse, aren't you?
You guys are so gonna get it on.
It's like having subtext around.
Fine, I'll leave.
No, don't!
I had better go after her.
Blowback?
See you later, porridge man.
- Didn't think you'd make it.
- Well, what can I say?
I heard the city
calling my name.
That'll be the heroin.
Oh, may I?
So, what brings you to Glasgow?
Oh, loads of things.
The city, music,
the nightlife, the women.
What is it you study again?
- English Literature.
- Oh, cool.
I was going
to guess Theater Studies,
so not too far off.
Theater Studies? Hell no.
That's miles off.
What makes you say that?
I don't know.
You, uh You strike me
as a performer in some way.
- What, like an actor?
- No, a performer.
Like, uh
Like you're performing somehow.
Hey, it's nothing
to worry about.
I mean, after all
I'm a performer, too.
Something I said?
No, it's just
- Just don't get your Your
Okay, let's go, buddy.
All right?
- I don't like it.
- What?
Four years doing fuck all
and getting paid for it?
Come on, now. Don't be a pube.
What are the birds like?
Any got the hots for you?
Uh, actually, yeah. I think so.
I can't tell
if she's coming on to me,
or if she's just French.
A French bird?
Ooh, la, la!
Two days in,
he's already fine dining.
Come on.
What's bothering you, shagger?
I I just
I just don't feel
like myself here.
Everyone keeps calling me Neil,
and there's this
Alby guy who's
He's spinning me out a bit.
You only need to ask.
Oh. Oh, no, I
I I couldn't.
Just say the words.
I need you.
Chuck the keys, shagger!
Be up in a bit.
Gonna have a fag and see
if I can split a fresher.
I had to run them through twice.
You scared the shit out of me!
Yeah, well, I'm not
cleaning it up this time.
Look, I'd really appreciate it
if you didn't
You were a disgrace last night.
What do you mean?
Leaving early
with no explanation.
Ah. Right.
Why are you in your underpants?
No reason.
Just, you know, catching the air
on my thighs.
I'll put them back on.
Well, this has been
a fascinating insight
into human behavior,
but I've got some reading to do.
Thank you.
Mm! There he is! Houdini.
- I'm sorry?
- You, last night,
and your vanishing act.
Very disappointing.
Oh my God.
You should see
how fit this guy is outside.
Oh, he looks like trouble.
Oh my God.
He just came into the halls.
Hey!
Maybe he'll move in upstairs
and you can have
a really dysfunctional romance.
I'd love that, you know.
Oh, no.
There he is! Bring it in, son!
- Get off of me! Ruben!
- You big student bastard!
Hey? Hey?
You tax-dodging fuck!
Stop!
Oh, this is Ruben,
my my brother.
And you're the flatmates?
You must be
the gorgeous French one.
Uh
No, that's, uh, Celeste.
- I'm Joanna.
- Oh.
Sorry, I just assumed
you were the gorgeous one.
Right, you.
I'll see you outside.
Joanna.
His name's Niall, by the way.
That was epic.
Mate,
you're a lucky son of a bitch
living with those two.
I'll take the ugly bird
off your hands then, shall I?
She's not ugly, is she?
Hey, I'm not complaining.
Ugly birds
are the better lay anyway.
- You're a sick fuck, Ruben.
- You love it.
- What the hell?
- Do it back. Trust me.
It'll work.
I've got a game plan.
What? No! That fucking hurt!
Oh, does little soft-cock
Niall Kennedy
not have it in him to hit a man?
Would soft-cock Niall Kennedy
rather go off and read
some gay little books instead?
S Sorry, I
You fucking beauty.
Stop it. Stop.
Keep still.
There are certain parts
of my body
I don't have control over,
Joanna.
You're very different, you two.
Stop.
It's like one needs a head
and the other needs a body.
I think you have doubts, Niall.
- About you? No way.
- I spoke to Alby about this.
We have our theories.
You're a virgin, aren't you?
That's why the disconnect.
Shall we play spin the bottle?
Basically,
wherever the bottle lands,
you need to kiss that person.
You know there's a good chance
it lands on family?
- Family have a veto.
- Very convenient.
I'll go first.
Ready?
Come on, frog.
I want a French one.
I'm not scared of you.
Prove it.
Okay, guys, that's great.
Um
Other people are yet to
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, guys.
Come on, guys, it's a kiss,
not a tongue transplant.
Niall, you take this one.
Ah!
Oh! Sorry.
Don't mind me.
Who's next?
Fuck it. I'll go.
You're up.
S Sorry, I don't think we've,
um, been acquainted. I'm Alby.
I know exactly who you are.
Ruben. Niall's brother.
Oh, uh, I don't do handshakes.
And I don't do
with people turning them down.
What are you waiting for?
- I I wasn't playing.
- Spin the bottle. Ancient law.
You enter the room,
you're playing.
Okay, well, can't argue
with ancient law.
Wahey! Yes, Alby!
Ooh!
This is exciting.
Oh, yeah!
Amazing.
What are you waiting for?
You not man enough to kiss
a bloke or something?
Yeah, kiss him.
Have your IDs ready, please.
What's that?
Electricity, mate. Have a sniff?
No, no, I'm
I'm good, actually.
All the more for me, then.
Boys?
Celeste.
- Bump of life, mate?
- Sure. Why not?
- Do you even know what that is?
- Don't care.
Need to tolerate
your brother somehow.
- Where's Joanna?
- Urinating in the bushes.
Sorry, guys.
Bet you think I'm minging now.
Right, let's talk game plan.
Is the fat prick
checking student IDs?
Yeah, looks like it.
You'll charm them
though, don't worry.
Nah, bouncers are the only ones
who manage to see
- through my bullshit.
- What bullshit?
Exactly. I'll have to find
another way in.
- But wait, what if you don't?
- Don't worry.
I have a knack for worming
my way into tight spaces.
Hey.
Hey.
Can't get enough
of that Irn-Bru?
No, I'm here for all the pussy.
I'm sorry about my brother.
I mean, his heart's
in the right place.
I've always hated that phrase.
It's excuse-making
for shitty behavior.
And why did you bring him?
I wanted to see him.
We We're practically
the same person.
You're not remotely.
You're the same person
in the same way
Jekyll and Hyde
are the same person.
Yes, I love this song.
I don't. Geldof's a wanker.
His heart's in the right place.
- Did you see Live Aid?
- Holy shit. Freddie Mercury?
- Yeah, incredible, wasn't it?
- Yeah.
Would be nice, wouldn't it?
To be able to dance like that.
What, you're telling me
that Niall Kennedy
can't "Radio Ga Ga"?
Here, watch this.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, it's
- No, no, no, I love it!
It was as though
Freddie had died
and come back with longer limbs.
What the hell is he doing?
- Hey, are you okay?
- Look at this place.
How did we get
from hunter-gatherers
to student unions?
It's an evolutionary mishap.
Excuse me, mate.
You just nudged me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think
you should slow down a bit.
Look, promise me
you won't start shit.
I won't.
It's a bumpy come-up is all.
I'll be chock-full
of love in a second,
don't you worry.
Ah, there they are.
The slappers.
- Come here, you.
- No!
Put me down!
It's going to end horribly.
Yeah.
You have no idea.
Here.
I'll be your guide.
Ease you in a bit.
Less tongue.
- What?
- Next time, less tongue.
Right.
What happened to easing in?
I think I'm feeling it.
Here.
You're still flaccid.
I Well,
I'm not gonna get one here.
Oh, that's fine.
We leave.
- Yo! We're leaving.
- Fuck yeah, you are!
Don't raise hell, okay?
It's already raised, son.
Ruben has blackness in him.
- I think you need some water.
- Oh! My coat. Wait here.
Alby. Alby, wait up.
Uh Where's Celeste?
Narnia, by now, I reckon.
Did you have a good night?
Uh, it started well.
I suppose it's ending well, too.
Who remembers the middle, right?
Exactly. So many films
were forgiven for starting
and ending well.
- The Great Escape?
- How dare you.
- E.T.
- Get out.
It's perfect.
What a shitty start to uni.
One of my flatmates
thinks I'm a virgin,
the other thinks
I'm a social freak.
- So, you're not a virgin?
- No, no. I I
I had sex with
my brother's girlfriend once.
Well, we had sex
with her together.
Wow, that's dark.
Sorry, I'm just trying to get
my head around how that works.
Well, he brought
her home one night
and pretty much placed her
on me.
Right, how old were you?
I was 15, he was 17.
What?
No, um
Just all makes sense now.
Why he feels part of you.
Do you fancy
a film or something?
You know, we could watch
the start of The Great Escape
and the end of E.T.?
Try and make sense
of them together?
The prisoners of war who escaped
to the moon on a bicycle?
Yeah. Sounds perfect.
Let's run, 'cause it's freezing.
Okay.
Look, uh
I'm not quite ready for that.
That's okay.
There's There's no pressure.
I know. I I want to.
I just
- I just
- Hey.
- Hey, hey, what's going on?
- I
I just I don't know
where these feelings
have come from.
I mean, my mum's gay,
for Christ's sake,
it should be easy.
Wait, your mum's gay?
- Yeah.
- I'm genuinely impressed.
I mean, gay mums, Niall,
that's pretty radical.
Oh, please.
They watch Emmerdale.
- You told them?
- No way.
The fucking town
would have a field day.
They would think there was
something in our water.
Well, we can go at your pace.
Even if that means
going backwards.
How would that work?
Oh my, you have a lot to learn.
We can do whatever you want.
We can chat.
We can watch films.
- We can
- Hug.
Maybe?
Well, that's easy.
You're a shit hugger.
It's okay, he's preoccupied.
I I'm sorry. I
I'm I'm sorry.
You love it!
You stink!
No, no, don't.
There you are!
No! Get away!
No, you stink, porridge man.
I'm coming back
for more, Frenchy.
Just you wait.
So, what happened?
They just started kissing
in front of me.
So, I gave Ruben an ultimatum.
I said,
"If you carry on kissing her,
- I'm going home."
- And what did he say to that?
He said, "Win-win."
Then spat in my face.
Jesus!
I'm so sorry.
Are you going to be able to get
through this induction?
I'll be fine.
I've been through worse
than him. That's for sure.
We do have a fairly
extensive reading list this year
and I suggest you take
a look at all the texts on it.
I know for some of you,
English isn't
your primary subject,
but I still think it'd be good
to acquaint yourself
with the wider
the wider syllabus.
It's Joanna, isn't it?
Would you like to take a moment?
Hmm.
Now, for the rest of us,
if you can take a look
at the handout in front of you.
Fucking leek!
Shit!
Fucking leek!
My man.
What's going on here?
Acid.
Some of the strongest shit
I've taken.
Your eyes are holes right now.
Big
dark, shitty holes.
Is Celeste okay?
She's just working
through some shit.
That's the beauty of this drug.
She's actually never been
more awake in her life.
Come here. Dance with me.
Here.
Get on my feet.
You need to be at my level
for what I'm about to tell you.
What are we doing here?
My dad.
You know what
he's gone and done?
Had another child
with this random bird.
She's fighting him for custody.
Right. Okay.
We can't let him win, shagger.
We can't let him win.
If you lot
don't get the fuck out,
I am calling the police.
How'd you get rid of him?
Wasn't too hard.
He is pretty Pavlovian
when it comes
to police call-outs.
Hey. Hey, hey! What's wrong?
Just
Uni was supposed
to be a fresh start,
a chance to to
And I I just made
all the same mistakes.
It's okay. He's not going
to be here forever.
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't be crying.
Hey, hey.
Don't worry.
This is what
I meant about performing.
I could see it
in your eyes, almost.
The real you was in there
just trying to get out.
I mean, that's the thing
with eyes,
they always tell the truth.
Well, what are they saying now,
then?
That you're exhausted.
That you're done fighting.
Yeah.
You could say that again.
Well then stop fighting.
You know, I know
this isn't, like like, sexy,
but this is my first time
with a man, so sexy can wait.
Yeah, that's fine by me.
Wait a sec.
Where the fuck is everyone?
- Just Just try to focus.
- Is he Let me just check.
Wait. Wait.
What are you doing?
Oh, no, it's just, uh
It's just suddenly occurred
to me that I am doing it again.
What What do you mean?
I just told myself the last time I got with
a straight boy, I wouldn't do it again.
No, no. I I'm sorry,
pl please, I
It's just
It's Ruben.
He'll He'll kill me
if he finds out.
Your mothers are together.
Why would he care?
It's It's different with men,
isn't it? It's more
shameful.
Wow, okay.
By society's standards, I mean.
Wait. Alby, please.
Let's Let's reset.
You know, Niall, um,
the first boy I ever got with
was so worried
about being found out that, um,
he came in my hand
and then he ran out of the room
to tell everyone I hit on him.
I shared a dorm
with eight other guys
and they beat me up every night.
And so, one day, I stood up
and I said, "So what? I'm gay.
The next person
to touch me wants it."
And I stood there
with my arms crossed
and I waited.
And nothing happened.
You know why?
Because my strength
was far greater than their fear.
You know,
a few weeks later, I, uh,
I went up to that boy
and I thanked him.
I said, um
I said if he didn't tell anyone,
I never would have.
Why are you telling me this?
Because
if he didn't tell anyone,
I never would have.
Did your dad have another kid?
Who told you that?
You did, yesterday.
No, I never. I I should
remember, Ruben
I never said anything.
- Joanna's really upset.
- Why?
'Cause I fucked
a much fitter bird?
- You spat in her face, Ruben.
- So what?
I'm not fucking justifying
myself to you.
You saw the way
she threw herself
over me all night.
It was embarrassing.
If you give your body away
so easily like that,
don't be upset
if it comes back with spit on.
What's this about?
An intervention, is it?
Niall Kennedy wanting one
of his wee chats.
- Have I gone too far?
- No.
No, I I
I just think
maybe
it's time to, you you know
I think Maura
might want you back is all.
Maura?
What the fuck are you talking
about Maura for?
You've never given
a shit about her.
Well, what about work?
Fuck work.
I'm staying here.
Why should you get all this
for free and I get nothing?
We share everything.
I mean, you're wearing
my jumper right now.
It's different.
You don't get to whisk off
on a fancy grant
and leave me in a shithole.
Fuck that!
You should have brought me
with you from the start.
We can't share
a room forever, Ruben.
It's not about the room.
It's about
the fucking principle!
Don't you bring up
my father again, okay?
I will rip
that jumper off your back,
right here, right now.
You understand?
You got anything else to say?
Stay. Stay as long as you want.
Niall?
How did it go?
Did you do it?
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Niall.
Well, how do you feel?
I feel yeah, yeah, stunned.
Look, should
should we go to your room?
Ruben's coming back
and I don't want him to know
we're we're talking.
What, so he didn't take it well?
He needs time.
It wasn't so much
the reveal, I mean,
like you said, our Mums.
It was more
that I kept it so long.
Brotherly shit, you know.
Ruben?
Don't, don't, don't. Please.
Can I have a word for a moment?
I know what you're gonna say.
We've had the chat.
As far as I'm concerned,
bygones be bygones.
Wow. Uh
That is very commendable.
Is that sarcastic?
No, uh No, it's just
Niall was worried
about how you'd react.
Well, I was pissed off
at first, but
however you guys want to live,
I won't get in the way of that
as long as I'm staying here.
Wow. I'm so impressed.
Really, I am.
Look, uh,
why don't you go lie down?
Wait, I I
I had you all wrong.
The The way you look out
for each other.
I I get it now.
I really get it.
- Great.
- Wait, Ruben, I
I don't think you quite realize
what you've done here.
How huge this is.
Calm down, mate.
It's a broken kitchen.
I won't do it again.
Right, I see.
What is your fucking deal, man?
In what sense?
Sniffing your fucking face
at me.
Well, it wasn't
at you, actually.
- It was at your brother.
- -You think that's fucking better, do you?
Ruben. All right.
Come on, let's go.
No, no, no. No.
You're really pressing me, son.
Let's just leave this, okay?
Not until this cunt
explains himself.
Do you want
to tell him or shall I?
- What the fuck is going on?
- Okay, fine, I'll tell him.
- No. Alby, Alby, Alby, please
- Your brother
Get the fuck off me!
Ruben. Ruben.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Get off him!
Ruben. Please.
Stop, stop, stop.
We are gathered here today
to witness the marriage
of Niall Brandon Kennedy
and Albert Franklin Safadi.
- What's Ruben doing here?
- I don't know. I'm so sorry.
Jesus Christ, this is fucked up.
What do we even do?
I don't know.
I mean
I could maybe ask him
to leave or something.
No, don't do that.
It'll just make things worse.
Let's just get
through this, then.
- It'll be fine.
- Okay.
Do you, Albert Franklin Safadi,
take Niall Brandon Kennedy
as your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
Do you, Niall Brandon Kennedy,
take Albert Franklin Safadi
as your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.