Hannah Montana s01e02 Episode Script

Yeah! Yeah! So what you see is only half the story There's another side of me I'm a girl you know but I'm someone else, too If you only knew! It's a crazy life But I'm all right I got everything I've always wanted I'm living the dream So, yeah everything I've always wanted Isn't always what it seems I'm a lucky girl Whose dreams came true But underneath it all, I'm just like you Isn't always what it seems I'm a lucky girl whose dreams came true But underneath it all, I'm just like you Clear the way, people, superstar coming through! Superstar coming through! And her jet-set friend, Miss Lola Lafonda.
Lola Lafonda? If people figure out I'm Lilly, it's only a short jump to Miley.
Oh, very smart, Miss Lola.
Thank you, everybody! I love you all! - Thank you! - This is totally insane! Back off, people! Back off.
Don't make me release Thor! Yeah, you go get them, Thor.
Two pounds of pure piddle just looking for a target.
Actually, I think he just found Oh, man! - Hannah! Hold up! Wait! - Oh, no.
It's Oliver again.
He snuck into my dressing room last week.
Nearly jumped on stage the week before.
And just when you think he can't get any more obsessed, bam, he kicked it up a notch! Look at those bony little elbows go! That boy cuts through the crowd like a weed whacker.
Hannah! Let me through! Hannah, please! Kiss my hand and I'll never wash it again.
Looks like he never washes it now.
Come on, Thor, make yourself useful.
Baby, you're an animal! Oh, I like them feisty.
- Let's rock and roll, driver! - Man, he's never gonna give up.
- Well, you better hope he does.
Because if he ever finds out your secret, he's not only gonna be in love with Hannah Montana, he'll be in love with you! What? That's crazy! The only thing that's the same about Hannah Montana and me is Me.
And me doesn't feel that way about him.
Well, don't worry, Mile.
I know guys, and sooner or later he's gonna get tired of chasing after somebody who's not chasing him back.
Do a dude a favor and don't get on the freeway! For you, my love! Why did you have to be such a good kisser? Come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe, every color Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds Chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds It's all true.
Hannah actually kissed this hand.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- A big slobbery wet one.
Look, it's still shiny.
Yeah, there's nothing like the romantic glow of dog drool.
Chad, dude, close up shop when you chew.
You're getting spit on the Hannah hand! Miley, let's go.
You're cutting into my tan time.
Look at him, he's never gonna quit.
What happens if he does find out? I really do care about Oliver.
And I just don't wanna weird out our friendship.
Unless deep down, maybe, just maybe, you feel the same way.
Yes, and maybe, just maybe that's insane! And now that she's left her mark on me, it's time to take our relationship to the next step.
Tonight at her CD signing, I'm gonna stare into her eyes and say, "You are my love, my life, and someday you'll be my " Note to self.
Think of words that rhyme with "Life.
" Dude, isn't that the Hannah hand? The CD signing! If he stares into my eyes, he might recognize me.
- It's never gonna happen.
- But what if it does? Maybe you could learn to love him like I did with my brother's hamster.
And here's the beauty part, if Oliver dies, you won't have to bury him in the backyard.
When you talk, do you hear it, or is there like a big roaring in your ears? - Step off, Chad! - Fine.
But you're gonna throw this away for me.
Take it off, dude! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Dude, what's with you and the gum chewing? Oh, little baby Ollie.
Aunt Harriet just wants to eat you up.
You're so yummy, yummy, yummy.
Oh Let me get that off you.
I hate that woman.
Been sitting here all morning trying to write a song Can't remember when it ever took me this dang long Maybe I should just up and fly the coop 'Cause everything I've written sounds like I got it, Dad! I got it! Prepare to be blown away.
This better be good, Son.
I was in the middle of a masterpiece.
Jackson Stewart, come on down! You are the proud owner of a brand-new used car! Yes, over the last 15 years this pre-owned beauty's been driven around by heavy smokers and sloppy eaters and one Wilma McDermott, whose cat popped out six kittens on the front seat.
Yes, some stains just don't come out! - And you're happy about that? - Yes, I am! Dad, it's mine.
It's not perfect, but it's my own car, and I bought it with my own money.
I'm proud of ya, Son.
Especially the "bought it with your own money" part.
Let's go take a look at this puppy.
Puppies, that reminds me, and in the backseat I don't wanna know.
Voilà.
Yep, there she is.
Clean, no dents and there's that stain.
- Where is it? - It's right here.
- This? - I know.
I can't believe it's mine, either.
And I can't believe you just bought a girl car.
What? Jackson, only girls drive this thing.
It's a chick mobile, a babe bucket, a skirt scooter.
You might as well have bought a bra with tires, man.
You are so wrong.
This is totally a guys' car.
When I was driving home there was guys honking and waving and giving me kissy faces.
Oh, no.
Dad, tell me I didn't just buy a chick car.
You didn't buy a chick car.
Now say it like you mean it.
I'd like to, Son, but You know how ladies like to have the final word.
Thank you so much! I love you all! Thank you! Thank you! Let's boogie, driver! That was great! Oliver stared right into my eyes and never had a clue.
Kind of like the look he has in Spanish.
"No comprendo!" I don't know what I was so worried about anyway.
Yeah.
Better pull over, driver! Don't be scared! It's me, Oliver Oken! Wow, you're even more beautiful upside down.
- Thank you.
You're so sweet.
- He was talking to me.
Look, you are very sweet, but I have a boyfriend.
A boyfriend? Wait, I don't understand.
- Then why'd you kiss me? - I didn't.
The dog did.
Oh, man.
Those are the lips I've been thinking about for the past 24 hours? I'm sorry.
I was trying not to hurt your feelings, it's just that I'm just not interested.
- Okay? - Okay.
I get it.
Now get down off the roof, son, before you dent it.
- This is a rental.
- Fine.
I won't bother you anymore.
If it helps, the dog hasn't stopped talking about you.
God.
You must think I'm pathetic.
No, I think you're sweet.
And maybe if I didn't have a boyfriend then - I'd have a chance with you? - I never said that.
But you implied it! And that's good enough! I'll wait for you forever! - But I never said that! - Forever! Do you hear me, Hannah Montana? Forever! That was close.
He almost caught you tonight! Ya think? You know what that boy needs? A real girlfriend.
Dad, that is the smartest thing you've ever said! You know what they say, every now and then even a blind pig snorts up a truffle.
And that is the weirdest.
That's right.
It's me.
- Yo, Locker Man! - I'm on it.
- I owe you.
- I'll be back to collect.
Locker Man! You're amazing, Oliver.
I've been told that.
Having trouble with your locker, Chad? Yeah.
Could ya? Well, Locker Man is on the job, but not for you, sucker.
Oliver, see that girl, Pamela, over there? - She thinks you're cute.
- Can't say that I disagree.
Too bad I'm already cruising down the Hannah Highway.
What about Kyla Goodwin? She is so desperate, she'll go out with anybody.
My type of woman, too bad I'm taken.
Hey, what about Lilly? You guys would be perfect together.
- Excuse me? - You're both stubborn.
- I am not! - I am not! See, you always agree with each other.
- No, we don't.
- No, we don't.
I am definitely seeing a couple here.
- You're not? Because I'm not.
- You're not? Because I'm not.
- Phew.
- Phew.
And that's smart.
Because what if one friend loved another friend but they didn't get loved back? Then things would get all weird and uncomfortable, and the friends couldn't be friends anymore.
And there is nothing more important than our friendship, Oliver.
Oh, man! You love me! No! I mean, I do love you, but like a brother, or a pet fish.
You know, I'd cry if I had to flush you down the toilet, but I don't want to kiss you.
That's a relief.
Because you're my buddy, and I think Hannah and you could wind up being close friends.
- Closer than you think.
- Great! Once Hannah and I are together, we'll have you over for some sushi.
Yeah! Soon, my love, we'll be together.
You enjoy that.
This isn't over, pal! Goodbye.
Hello again! I know that look.
Either you have a great idea, or you really gotta go.
Oliver is about to totally get turned off to Hannah Montana.
And I really gotta go! I can't believe he wouldn't take the car back.
I thought I made a very convincing argument.
Well, technically, Son, getting on your hands and knees and begging for a do-over is not really an argument.
Hey, there, neighbor.
- Oh, man, it's Mr.
Dontzig.
And he's wearing his robe again.
Yeah, well, count your blessings.
At least this time it's the long one.
So, Stewart family, what would another leaf from your tree be doing in my hot tub? I don't know, maybe it wanted to party.
Oh, come on, Dontzig, just trying to be neighborly.
That's nice, but I hate neighbors.
That's why I got the big hedge.
So, something needs to be done about this.
Yeah, and I think something needs to be done about this.
I would recommend possibly some sit-ups or maybe a bigger robe.
Ha, ha.
Very neighborly.
Oh, got a new car.
You know my wife, she had a car just like this.
Traded it in.
She thought it was too girly.
Get your leaves out of my hot tub! I'll have you know that we Stewart men don't define ourselves by the types of cars we drive.
That's it, this dolly wagon's going back where it came from.
But the salesperson already said no.
To you, not to me.
Face it, Son, I'm a bit more intimidating.
Lord, take me now.
I came as fast as I could! - Is she still here? - Right down there.
I can't believe you saw Hannah Montana break up with her boyfriend right here on our beach, at the exact moment I was getting home from the orthodontist.
I know.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Fate.
Fate who? Just go! This is it.
Good luck, Oliver.
But remember, if things don't work out, you're still Smokin' Oken.
- Thanks.
But it's gonna work out.
- Absolutely! But if it doesn't Smokin' Oken.
'Nuff said.
Hi, it's me, Oliver.
I heard about your breakup and I'm here for you.
If you need a hug, my arms are open.
- Get away from me.
- I can do that.
Hannah? Hi, the kid from the moon roof.
Look at you all upside right.
Oh, where are my manners? Sit down, sweetie, join the party.
Here, you want some gum? Load yourself up.
I didn't know you liked gum.
I've surfed all your websites, and none of them mentioned you're a chewer.
Oh, I'm a chewer all right.
I love to chew.
I chew all the time.
Like a train.
Chew, chew, chew.
I chew in the morning, the afternoon, the evening.
If it can be chewed, it's in my mouth.
Good to know.
You might want to think about updating some of your websites.
Why? Does it bother you? It really turns off some people.
They can't even be around me.
They love me, but I disgust them.
Well, I'm not like that.
You're not? - Because it's okay if you are.
- No.
Relationships are about sacrifice, and I accept you - just the way you are.
- Good to know.
Move over, boys.
New chew coming through.
Mmm.
Your mouth.
It's a Turning black? It's licorice mint.
I love licorice! Don't make me laugh, it comes out my nose.
- You wanna see? - No! Too late! She's about to blow! Am I grossing you out? Because I totally understand if you want to transfer your obsession to Mandy Moore.
You know, she's blonde again.
No, no, no.
My love is bigger than my disgust in your black dripage.
Black dripage, watch this! Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.
How do you like me now? I I - Still love you! - What does it take with you? What more do I have to do? You and Hannah Montana are never gonna be together.
Why not? Because I'm Hannah Montana.
Me.
Miley.
Okay, that went well.
So you were Hannah in the limo, - when I was upside down? - Yeah.
And backstage when I was hanging out of the window? - Yup.
- And when I hid in your bass drum and rode on your tour bus all the way to Phoenix? - You did what? - Nothing.
How come you didn't tell me? I'm sorry.
It's just that I knew that you were so in love with Hannah that I was afraid that maybe you might Be in love with you? - Do you think I am? - You tell me.
I mean, have you ever pictured yourself with Miley, your friend, the dork? You're not a dork.
Oh, come on, what about the time I tripped in the biology lab and spilt frog juice all over you? Oh, right, Mom made me take off my pants in the school parking lot.
Or when we were at Andrew's birthday party and you accidentally knocked me into the pool in your one-man stampede for the cake? That's not fair.
It was an ice cream log cake! And you know I have to get an end cut! Come on, Oliver.
Let's face it.
The girl that you thought you loved is standing right here, and the truth is you don't love her.
Wow, I think you're right.
That's two years of my life I'll never get back.
Sorry about that.
So what do you think? Are we gonna be okay? Yeah.
We're okay.
- Anything? - Nope.
In fact, it's a little awkward.
Let's go grab a hotdog.
So, Mandy Moore, you don't happen to have her number, do you? Boy, you bounce back fast.
Where is my dad? It's been hours.
He couldn't sell it.
That's what it is.
He couldn't sell it, and now he can't face me.
You don't know that.
Maybe something good happened.
Maybe he parked it somewhere and a bunch of cheerleaders stole it.
You think so? Oh, here he comes.
Still driving it.
I knew it.
Failure! You're a failure as a father! Now get a grip, Son.
They wouldn't take the car back, but I did do something to beef it up a little bit.
Dad, changing the horn is not gonna make it a guy car.
I know.
But this might.
Dang, this is tight.
- Son, I primped your ride.
- Oh, yes, he did! Oh! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Okay, Son, you can let go now.
It was cute when you were five, now it just throws my back out.