Henpocalypse! (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Oh, my God!
- I need your insurance details.
- SHRIEKING
It's a frigging fiasco.
- I really think I'm on the mend.
- Maybe a touch more Savlon.
- I don't have any private
time. I'm a prisoner.
- It's about the future of humanity.
- Drew is the ark
and we can't leave the ark attached
to a radiator in the middle
of fucking nowhere.
- Zara's 30th. I
know what you did.
- Look!
- Someone's been sleeping here.
- She's doing her Kegels.
- I really don't
like this bitch.
- She's not that
keen on you, either.
Drop my Kegel balls.
I said, "drop the balls".
Back up. Now!
WHIMPERING
First, you ram me. Now you're
fingering my Kegel balls.
- I didn't mean to ram you.
I was in the wrong gear.
- Because of you, I was on the
phone to Aviva when the world ended.
Not my mum.
- I'd take that swap anyday.
- Look, love,
we're all in the same boat here.
When we want a Fray Bentos,
you want a Fray Bentos.
So let's all just walk out
of here with a Fray Bentos.
- I don't know what a Fray Bentos is.
- It's pie in a tin.
- But if you want to talk
THEY SHRIEK
- Look who nailed the bitch!
This bitch!
- You killed her.
- In self-defence. She
pulled a gun on me.
- A nail gun, not an Uzi!
She didn't deserve
to die like a dog.
- That's not how a dog would die.
What dog ever died like that?
- SHE GROANS - Oh, you're
lucky there, Shell.
Now search her -
before she comes round.
- Her stomach is so flat.
- She probably had
work done, princess.
She'll have a scar in her knicker line.
- Yeah, dead giveaway, that.
- Have a look, Shell.
- No. - Do it, Shelly.
- SHELLY SIGHS
Agh!
Argh! Agh!
Argh!
- All right, love.
You've had a little bump on the head.
- Get away from me.
Especially you.
- It's just a little accident. We
can all give witness statements,
if you want to sue Londis.
- Yeah. My mate went arse over tit in Asda.
Got a Smeg out of it.
- There's something
on your face, babe.
- I'm bloody bleeding.
- Do you want a hand with that?
- No. I can look after
myself. I'm first-aid trained.
- Oh.
First-aid trained, you say?
Bet you had a whale of a
time during this shitshow.
- Was it rough, babe? Were
you on the front line?
- No. I was sheltering in
place as we were told to.
It was awful not
being able to help.
I felt so useless, so guilty.
- Quick chat by the bog rolls.
- You know, just to say, you
..got really great skin.
I hope that helps.
- Mummy's decided we are taking
Florence Nightingale over there
back with us to have a
look at Jen's gammy leg.
- No. She was threatening to
nail me to death a second ago.
- To be fair, we've
all had that impulse.
- Come on, Shell, think of Jen -
how she's stinking out the cottage.
- What about Drew?
If she catches a whiff
of him, our secret's out.
- No, he's safely tucked away
and she'll be none the wiser.
Once she's patched up Jen's leg,
we send her on her way.
- I don't trust her.
- Follow my lead.
Do you fancy a spot
of redemption, love?
Our Jen's in a state. Come
and take a look at her.
We're just up the road.
- Why would I help you?
- Well, you wouldn't be helping
us, you'd be helping Jen.
- She's in a really bad way.
- Yeah, and she's got a
very protective mother.
Imagine a rabid grisly bear
chain smoking menthols.
- What's wrong with her?
- She was just born angry, love.
- I mean, Jen.
- In short, her leg is dripping like a donner on a spit.
- It sounds infected.
- Oh.
- THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
- All puffed up.
So what do you say?
Your chance to save a life.
- Ooh!
- A spade's length from her at all times.
Those were her terms.
- What's your name, lover?
- Chloe Nesbitt.
- Chloe? I don't
care for THAT name.
Nesbitt, it is. Nesie Nesbitt.
- No, I don't like that
- What brought you to Wales? Cos
I can't say you've got the twang.
- I came for a Pilates retreat
and then I took a solo
walking holiday afterwards.
- Yeah, that's a likely story.
Who goes on holiday alone?
- Pick up the pace, Shell.
Some of my best holidays
have been on me tod.
Like the time I took my
Rampant Rabbit to Chester.
- Have you seen any other survivors?
- No.
This place was deserted
when I got here.
I guess everyone else evacuated.
God knows where.
- Good luck to them!
A45's a right bugger
in't rush hour.
- What about you?
Seen anyone else?
Any men? - No.
- No, men. Not seen anyone, no.
Not with a penis.
- Maybe it's true, then
- all the men have gone.
- Bloody crap
- What do you do for work, Nesie?
- I'm a Pilates instructor.
- Should have guessed! Yeah. You've got the Pilates arse.
- Oh.
Yeah, just like
Matthew McConaughey.
Ooh, what I wouldn't give to grab his
- I've always fancied being
a Pilates instructor.
Is it loads of training?
- It's mainly just
looking good in Lycra.
You'd be a natural.
- Hang on, guys!
I'm having the
battery out of this.
- Come here, love.
Let's give Veena a hand.
Don't worry about her.
- We shouldn't get too
pally with her. She's dodgy.
- Who wears a ponytail in their late 30s?
- No, early early 40s.
- Aw, babe. Jealous?
- No!
- No, I get it -
she's pretty, fit.
Not covered in shit.
But don't worry, Shell,
you and me are forever.
We're the two musketeers, babe.
- Two Two musketeers?
- Going to have to
smash the window.
- Got this!
I always carry this in case
I see a dog in a hot car.
Not watching a
cockapoo dry roast.
- So humane.
- There were three
musketeers, Za!
And Dogtanian.
- Some girls always
get what they wanna wanna
All I seem to get
is the other other
This won't last for
long, not for ever
And the champagne makes it
taste so much better better ♪
PARTY CHATTER
Oh, it's going right up me!
- That's the point, Jen.
Just enjoy it.
- I don't like it, Auntie Bern.
- Then why don't you go and
find something else to do, love?
- Yeah.
- Do your top lip for a fiver,
but got to take that mole off.
Yeah?
- Shelly!
Check me out!
- You said you're wearing blue.
- Yeah.
Changed my mind last minute.
Babes, we can't both wear red.
- Could could you
maybe go back to blue?
- Red really pops
on Insta, though.
You can change, can't you?
- I don't have anything else with me.
- Look, I'll sort
you out. Come on.
MUSIC STOPS
Stop the party.
Shelly dropped a bollock.
PEOPLE GROAN
- Every time!
- Za, I can't wear this.
It's ravaging my anus.
- I've got you a sarong. I
know you like to cover your
Agh!
Sorry, babe. I
I didn't see anything.
Oh.
Can I just say
..you're really brave.
Come on, Shell! You're
holding up the party.
- Shell, Za!
Pop in there, make sure
it's respectable for Nesie.
Can't have her tripping over
Shelly's manky
knickers, now, can we?
- I'll get cracking
on the Warhog.
Going to stick this battery in,
then armour-plate her chassis.
- Warhog?
Is she in the military?
- She does eyebrows.
- I don't do shit.
- Have you got any
codeine, Nesie, love?
- Quick! Za!
- I've run out of HRT.
I'm sweating like a pig in heat.
Couple of cods up the bum
really takes the edge off.
- I'm taking it.
- You take it.
- I've foraged some willow. It
contains a mild form of aspirin.
- Thanks for the offer.
I don't need a stick
up me arse right now.
I'm off.
- Take it, take it!
CLATTERING
- Welcome.
- It was me hen do.
- See you had a stripper, then?
- No.
Didn't need one.
Shelly does a serviceable
Leave Your Hat On.
- Oh!
You've been a bad girl, missy.
- No.
- Come here, Nesie.
- My prince.
- Very regal.
- Gosh, ain't he fit?
If it hadn't been for this
shitshow, I'd be pregnant by now.
We'd be marketing
stupid faces, innit?
- We've all been
through so much.
- Bloody Bloody
end of the world.
Don't worry, mate,
I'm here for you.
- Shall we crack on in the cellar?
- Yeah.
- He'll come. My Gary's out there.
- For sure.
No absolutely deadly virus
would get the better of Gary.
- He's never let me down.
- What about, like, this angle?
- No! Me fingers look stumpy.
- FAKE LAUGHTER
- Put a ring on it.
- Oh, Gary's here!
- Gary! - Yeah!
Happy birthdaaaay!
- Photo, everyone.
Here it comes.
I want it straight up on Insta.
Why is the box so big?
- You'll see, babe.
THEY GIGGLE
Ye-e-e-s!
Look, it's the new one.
- Gary, this is an air fryer.
- Didn't know what you wanted.
Well, I can take
it back to Argos.
- Maybe he's tied it on to
Barney like in The Bachelorette.
- Is it tied to the dog, Gary?
- Is what tied to the dog?
- The ring!
- Oh, babes, um
Yeah, there is no ring.
- Stop filming!
- SCREECHING: -
No-one uploads this!
- Zara, wait! It's probably
just crossed wires.
- I'm not taking relationship
advice from someone with shit tits!
Argh!
- Wait, I can feel
something in Barney's fur.
- That's a tumour, love.
Barney's got cancer.
- KNOCK AT DOOR
- Jen, love, you've
got a visitor.
- Hi, Jen. I'm
Chloe, a first-aider.
- You're not who I was expecting.
- Well, she's responsive -
there's clearly no
problem with her airway.
- There's definitely
nothing wrong with that.
Er, Nesie here, she's going
to sort you out, love.
Oh.
- I hear you've
got a poorly leg.
Is that right, Jen?
- It's got a real
case of the Mondays.
- Yeah.
Mind if I take a peek?
- I don't think it's
very nice down there.
- Don't worry. I've seen it all.
I had a client whose
uterus prolapsed out
while she was doing a scissor kick.
- Oh, good.
- Why did that happen?
- Weak pelvic floor.
It's very common in
women as they age.
That's why we all need to
do our Kegel exercises.
- My Kegels are fine, thanks.
- Yeah, you wait till
you hit 40, Shell.
I'm ever so dribbly
when I cough now.
- Kegels, that's squeezing
your fufu, right?
- Yeah. Just 60 seconds a
day makes all the difference.
No-one needs urinary
incontinence right now.
ZARA STRAINS
- Oh, I think I'm too far gone.
Ah.
- REPEATED CLANGING
What was that?
SHELL CLEARS THROA
- Veena
..probably ripping a rad out
to stick on the motor. Go and tell
her to give it a rest, eh, Shell?
- Roger.
I shall tell her to pipe down.
- Maybe it's my friend.
You should meet
him. Very handsome.
- Your friend? Who's that?
- Um
- Bite down on that.
Stop that chatter,
bothering Nesie.
- What's going on down there?
- It wasn't us.
CLANGING CONTINUES
BOTH: Sh!
What are you doing?!
- Making a stand.
If you don't agree to my
demands I'll spork myself.
- But that's
- The end of the human race.
- Keep it down, Bern's
having one of her migraines.
- What demands, Drew?
- I want to be set free.
- You know it's not safe outside!
- In here!
I want run of the house.
I want to go downstairs.
- It's just not a
great time downstairs.
SHOUTS: - I want
to go downstairs!
- Is that a man's voice?
- No, that'll be Shelly
practising her Tom Jones numbers.
- Why?
- Because, you know, I should be taking charge.
Making plans, schemes.
You know? I want
to fight the virus.
- With a spork?
- I'll do it.
- Christ, he's taken
his balls hostage.
- I mean it!
- He's my friend! He's back.
- Who's your friend, Jen?
QUIETLY: Tell me.
- It's
- INDISTINCT WHISPER
- ..Danny Dyer.
- MIMICS EASTENDERS THEME: - Doof
doof doof doof doof doof da da da.
- Danny Dyer?
- Yes, he visits me.
- I get it. She's
been hallucinating.
- LOUDLY: - Haven't you, Jen?
She does this when she's in a bad way.
- Yeah.
Remember when you took a
tumble off my trampette, Jen?
Silly sod thought Shelly
was Jason Statham.
Kept asking about the
release date for Crank 3.
- It's the real Danny Dyer.
He knows what's going on out there
and he's told me all about it.
- WHISPERING: This is worrying.
On top of the infection,
I think she may have some
psychological issues.
- We've all got
psychological issues, mate.
It's a frigging apocalypse.
- DREW: I'll castrate myself with this spork!
- Go on, then.
- I will. I'm not bluffing!
- Uh-huh.
- Uh
I will.
- All right.
Just bear in mind that
there's no antibiotics
within a ten-mile radius.
So if get yourself
a little infection,
you'll be in the
cellar with Jen.
- Oh, yeah. I'll totally
nurse you, though.
I could put Savlon
wherever you need it.
I'll get right in
there with that cream.
Hey, I've got healing hands.
- HE SIGHS HEAVILY
Agh!
- What if he starts
banging again?
- Don't worry. We just sporked
him - crushed his spirit.
Won't hear a peep out
of him again today.
Job done.
- Can we crack on
with the main event?
- Danny Dyer says it's a
- COCKNEY ACCENT: - ..balls to
the wall shitshow out there.
You would not believe
what I have seen.
The horror, mate.
The horror!
- Sorry, I just need
a bit of fresh air.
That was a lot.
- Sure. Just, er
- You know, you go
and centre yourself.
Well, we've struck
lucky with her.
As soon as she's sorted Jen out, I'm
going to get her to have a look at
the cysts on my back. Is Drew all sorted?
- Yeah.
Had to be quite firm
with him, though.
- Yeah, well, you
know, needs must.
- So I made a little something,
you know, just to cheer him up.
- I told you this walkie
talkie is too big.
Elmo's nose is
bruising my G-spot.
WOMAN: - Have you seen the man?
- No. No sign of him yet.
- We'll do it tomorrow.
Keep in touch.
- No, now!
I can't be birthing a muppet
every five minutes to update you.
- That
..is bloody delicious.
George Clooney can shove
his little pods up his arse.
- Mmm.
Do you want some?
If you close your eyes and imagine
cheese, you can almost believe
it's a whopper.
- No, thanks, babe.
Nesie doesn't eat
processed food.
- Of course she doesn't.
- Sorry. I just needed a minute.
- So what are the scores
on the door, Nesie?
You can give it to me straight.
Done 15 years on the meat counter.
I know my way around iffy gammon.
- Given the state that she's in,
there's only one course of action
to save her - we need
to take the leg off.
- Shame.
Still, can't be helped.
What's the plan?
- Well, we'll need antibiotics,
pain relief, sterile equipment.
- We've got nail polish
and a Berocca. Any good?
- No, that won't do.
- Hm.
- There is a community pharmacy
a few miles away, though.
We might find what we need there.
- Veena, fire up the Warhog!
We're ramraiding Boots.
- Now you're talking!
- No, um,
that road's blocked - abandoned
vehicles from the exodus.
- Er, you said you didn't
know where everyone went.
- Yeah.
SOBS: But I know
where they ended up.
- For God's sake!
- It was awful.
All those motionless cars.
Escape plans dashed.
- Oh, yeah. Crying again.
How convenient.
- Don't doubt her tears.
- Why is she like this? I
am just trying to help you.
- I'll sort this, Nesie, love.
Right, Goldilocks, to the nook.
- You're such a
pretty crier. Hm?
- Thanks.
- Come on, Bern, she's so obviously lying.
Why can't you see that?
- Why are you so
sure of that, eh?
Takes one to know one, does it?
- It's a party,
Shelly, cheer up.
- For the last time,
Jen, the party's over.
I can't believe Gary
humiliated me like that.
And you filmed that, Shelly!
All I want is a nice life!
- SHE SOBS
I'll be about that life
Some other time
Look out, look
out, look out ♪
- No, there's no
more room in here.
- I might as well be
in the actual doghouse.
- This isn't a doghouse,
Gary, it's a playhouse.
- So I did some digging.
Turns out Zara was
expecting a proposal.
- She's 30 and she's Zara.
Of course she was expecting a proposal.
- She's bang out of order
for what she said about your tits.
- Thanks.
- She's just jealous that
you got yours before her.
- You remember that?
- Yeah. Of course.
Everyone called you
Tits that whole year.
- Including the headmaster.
- He didn't, did he?
What a legend!
No, seriously, though.
I mean, if you ever want an honest
opinion about your lallies
WHISPERING: you know where I am.
- I'm not showing you my tits, Gary.
- It's OK, the offer's there.
You deserve the truth.
- I do?
- Yeah.
You're all right, you, Shell.
- Go on, then.
- What?
Yeah, um
Don't listen to Za, Shell.
Those
..are solid norks.
Any man would be honoured
to splash himself over them.
- That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
No, you need like a shoehorn
to get me out of this gusset.
Here.
- GARY: Shell Yeah.
Ah! Ah-ha. Oh!
WHISPERING: - You saw?
- So did Barney.
That was his last bonk on before
we had to put him to sleep.
- I didn't I didn't
mean for it to happen.
I felt really shit that night and
Zara dropped my phone and Gary
was just really nice about my
- Don't want to hear it, Shelly.
- Are you going to tell her?
- Sod off!
Za thinks Gary was a prince -
and that's the way
it's going to stay.
It's your burden to carry.
And I want you on
board the Nesie train.
No more sniping, you hear?
- OK.
- We're popping out, Jen!
Spaghetti hoops for tea!
- It's only a small pharmacy, but
it should have everything we need.
- You smell nice.
Is that Euphoria for women?
- No. I spritzed myself with
bergamot oil before we left.
It's very grounding.
- Are you into a bit
of herbal, then, Nesie?
Me and Za did ayahuasca for
her 29th, didn't we, princess?
- But Shelly flaked early, but
me and Mum had a beautiful night.
- I didn't flake - I thought I was dying.
- Incoming!
- Oh, my God!
- DISTANT SHOUTING:
Stay where you are!
- They've got guns!
They're soldiers.
- We're saved.
- THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
- Yes! Come on!
- Any chance of a
tin-opener, guys?!
DOOR OPENS
You came back.
- How's my favourite slag?
I'll tell you what, Jen,
it's a right state out there.
Whoever nonced them crabs
has got a lot to answer for.
The things I've seen.
Women shanking each
other over a roasted rat.
It's carnage, baby.
It's carnage.
- But we're safe in here, right?
- No, baby, we've got
to get out of here now.
- Danny Dyer, no, I can't.
I can't leave the guys.
- You're going to have to trust me
on this one, Jen. We've got to have
it on our toes and we've
got to do it lively.
The first thing we're going
to do is we're going to smash
through the wall.
- Could we maybe
take the stairs?
- Yes. Good shout.
Take the stairs.
It's easier.
Are you with me, Jen?
- To the ends of the
Earth, Danny Dyer.