Hit & Miss s01e02 Episode Script

1 'So you were a man, but now you're a woman?' You're like a machine, Mia.
I fuckin' love it.
I'm Ryan's dad.
We just need you to sign this form, tell the social you're looking after us and piss off.
We don't want you here.
You're the new lass I've seen at Wendy's.
She thinks she can just come in and take over.
Another one, please.
Here, let me get that.
I own this place.
I want my money.
Fuck off and leave us alone.
Hello.
Good day at work? Usual things.
Everything alright here? Does it look alright? Fuck's sake! Does everything you touch turn to shit? Typical man.
Morning.
Riley? You OK? Those dirty bastards'll eat anything.
Come on.
Let's get you inside.
Ow! Fuck! Fuck's sake! Shit fucking house! How are you feeling? I told you, I'm fine.
Come on, Lee, time to go.
Stay with me.
I can't, babes.
I've got swimming.
Mummy used to stay.
I can take you, Leonie.
Another chicken gone.
Think it's a fox? We can't afford to lose any more.
I've got to have my chucky eggs.
Can you take Lee? I can't.
I've got plans.
Am I invisible? I said I'll take her.
You want a lift? See you later, alligator.
Leonie.
In a while, crocodile.
Good toes, naughty toes! Very nice, Abigail.
Keep going.
Very good.
What's wrong? I can't dance today, Miss.
Well, why not, Lee? I've got breast cancer.
Leonie.
Come on, Lee.
What if Mia.
What if Mia dances with you? No.
No, I don't dance.
Come on, Lee.
Dancing makes everything better.
I promise.
Come on.
Right, ladies.
Let's go through the routine.
Everybody up.
Are we ready? Tiny caterpillar on a leaf, wiggle, wiggle There's a tiny caterpillar on a leaf, wiggle, wiggle Why don't you want to dance? Why don't you? What you doing? Fucking hands off me.
I said, what you doing? Not here to protect you now, is she? You can't do this.
This is our home! Bitch! Fucking bitch! Where the fuck is she? What's up? John's put the house up for sale.
What? He came round earlier and put a sign up.
I didn't see it.
Levi burned it.
What are we going to do? Think of something.
He can't do this.
He wouldn't have done anything if it wasn't for you, you stupid bitch.
Levi.
Fuck you! You freak.
Levi, please.
Why are you even here anyway? Why don't you just sign the papers and fuck off? I'm trying to help.
Look what good your help's done.
We're gonna be homeless, and it's all your fucking fault.
You know what? I don't have to take this shit.
Yeah, that's right, go on.
Fuck off, you freak.
Weirdo.
Why do you have to be so horrible to her? Mia! Mia! I'm a real boy.
I'm a real boy.
Freak! Freak! Why are you doing this? I don't understand.
What the fuck have I done to you? "It's nothing to do with us.
It's her.
I'm selling it.
" Of course it's to do with us.
This is my home.
"You saw what she did to me.
She's a fucking lunatic.
" "You need to get her out of your lives, out of our lives.
" "Do you see where I'm coming from?" "Riley?" Are you talking to Mummy? Have you seen Mia? What do you want? The smallholdings.
How much do you want for it? I'm not selling to you.
I want you out of here.
The sooner the better.
This isn't over.
I knew you would come back.
Yeah? Yeah.
Same as Mummy.
She left, but now she's back.
Get out.
Get out! Shit! Here, you do it like this.
Johnny Green Teeth, got your ears on? Tea's ready.
Is that it, then? Are you gonna run away every time it gets a bit tough? No.
Don't mess us about, Mia.
I mean it.
They say you can choose your friends but not your family.
Thing is, you can.
I've signed the forms and sorted stuff out with the social.
But I'm not going anywhere.
I want to be more than just a name on a piece of paper.
I've got something I wanna ask you all.
How would you feel about moving somewhere else, to a new house? I know it's out of the blue but maybe a new start will do us all good.
And I've got enough money to No way.
Fuck that.
No way.
You don't know us at all.
Are you taking the piss? It's not Mia's fault, it's John's.
He's a prick.
What's a prick? An idiot.
John is a prick.
Do you know what? This is bullshit.
Fucking bullshit.
See this? This is our home.
Our home.
What's up? Fuck! Levi? What's wrong? I miss Mum.
I can't look after this place like she did.
I can't even keep a few fucking chickens alive.
What's all that money for? I'm making sure this place carries on being your home.
Morning.
All the chickens were there today.
Alive! Alive! Your new fence must be working, then.
Damn right it is.
Can I have one? Help yourself.
I'm not your slave.
Oh, God, that stinks.
Look at all that shit.
I really can't be arsed.
When did you realise that you were a girl? I kind of always knew.
I remember one time when I was little, my dad had been shouting at me so much I wet my pants.
As punishment for being a sissy, he made me wear a pair of Mum's frilly knickers.
It didn't really feel like a punishment.
It just felt really normal.
Nightclub bouncer.
Proper nasty swine.
But he's crossed the wrong blokes.
Everything else is in the folder.
No problem.
Is everything alright? Kids OK? That prick John's put the smallholdings up for sale.
The kids think it's my fault, and they're right.
I was thinking about buying it.
Do you think that's a good idea? What d'you mean? I've no problem with you doing what you have to do for them.
I just don't want it to have a bearing on what you do for me.
It won't.
It won't, Eddie.
You have my word.
Can you afford it? Oh, fucking hell, Mia.
That money's for your operation.
It can wait.
It might not matter anyway.
I can't go legit and buy the place.
I'm under the radar, aren't I? Legally I don't exist.
Besides, he isn't willing to sell to me.
You could make him an offer he can't refuse.
I don't wanna shit on my own doorstep.
I want to stay there.
I want to be there.
Can you open this for me? I'll do that.
What d'you want? Get Mia.
I'm the man of the house.
You can talk to me.
Just get her, silly little boy.
Mia! This is my solicitor, by the way.
Go back in the kitchen.
I've got a right to hear this.
Do as I say.
Fuck's sake.
I want you out of here by the end of the month.
You can't do that.
Apparently I can.
John, please.
This is their home.
I really don't give a flying fuck.
You've only got yourself to blame for this.
So you're punishing the kids to get to me? Big man.
You hardly know the little fuckers.
What do you care? Plenty.
Well, you should have thought about that earlier.
I said I'd buy it off you.
No chance.
Is there nothing I can do? Well, Wendy and me, we did have a little arrangement.
I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth.
Shame.
I think a good fuck is exactly what you need.
Piss off.
End of the month.
One, two, three, four! Let's have a carrot war! Right, come on, short-arses.
Bed.
Aw.
Do we have to? Yes.
I don't want to.
Do as you're told, Lee.
Go on.
No.
Tell her, Riley.
Why do I have to do everything? I'm not your fuckin' mother.
What are you still doing up? I thought I heard something outside.
Probably just the fox.
The fox is dead.
I found it this morning.
Maybe it's another fox.
Come on, let's get these guys to bed.
Eddie.
What are you doing here? Well, I've been thinking.
Why don't you use my name to go legit on this place? You still pay the money.
It'd just be in my name.
No.
Thanks, but no.
Why not? You can afford it.
We've got plenty of work on.
Speaking of which It's really kind of you, but It's no problem.
I'll just be signing bits of paper.
You've got to look after your best employees.
If you're happy, I'm happy.
I'd be loath to lose you, Mia.
Are you gonna introduce us, then? This is Riley, Levi, Ryan and little Leonie.
Kids, this is Eddie, a work friend of mine.
Hi.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
You not gonna tell them the good news? Mia is gonna buy the smallholdings.
It's not certain yet.
John's not keen on me buying it.
I'll just have to persuade him, won't I? We should have a party.
Yeah, and get dressed up.
Fuck that.
Lardy bum! Come on.
Oi, young 'un.
Come here.
You can have a box of booze if you help me shift this other stuff somewhere.
Wicked.
Cheers, Eddie.
That's OK, isn't it? I like it here.
I've always fancied a place in the country.
And now I've got one.
Well, we both have.
It's alright to leave these here for a while, in't it? So have you got a bird, then? Not at the moment.
What's wrong with you, lad? When I was your age, I was out fuckin' in the fields.
He couldn't score in a brothel.
Shut up.
Blimey.
You scrub up well.
You look really nice, Mia.
Oh.
Thanks, Riley.
Yeah, not bad for a cock in a frock.
Could have told me you was having a party.
Wow.
You look amazing.
Thanks, Ben.
So do you.
Aye.
You know, I've just been out for a jog.
Round here? Yeah.
Yeah, I like the scenery.
Cheers.
You alright? Alright? That your dad? Don't let him hear you say that.
He'll kill you.
Is it your boyfriend? None of the above.
He's my boss.
Ah.
You know, you never did tell me what you do.
It's really not that interesting.
Right.
D'you D'you wanna go for a drink sometime? It's just there's a nice little bierkeller in town.
Yeah, sounds nice.
Cool.
Well, say, Friday at eight? Good for me.
I'll see you then.
Yeah, see you.
So does he know about you? Know what? You know.
No, he doesn't.
So don't say anything.
As if I would.
So how does it work, anyway? Do you just make your willies kiss? Pork on pork? Don't be facetious, Levi.
I don't even know what that means.
Are you gonna give me a hand? I think we can decorate this kitchen, don't you? What you doing? Come on, Riley.
You know you want it.
Thanks, but I'm into men, not boys.
Get off! She said she's not interested.
Piss off.
Oi.
You don't treat women like that, kid, not in my company.
What's this crap we're listening to? It's good.
It's going.
What are you doing, Ryan? Ryan Like father, like son, eh? Ryan.
What's going on? Talk to me.
I just want to be more like you.
You are like me.
Really? Yeah.
In a lot of ways.
So I'm not a girl inside? No.
You're a boy.
And one day you'll be a man.
How d'you know? I just do.
I thought you were a dancer.
Why aren't you dancing? No one will dance with me.
Ask Mia.
No, she won't.
She will.
Ask her.
Will you dance with me, please? No way, Lee.
Sorry.
Go on, Mia.
Yeah, go on, Mia.
Just pretend no one is watching.
That's what Mummy said.
OK.
You OK, mate? Wiggle, wiggle There's a tiny caterpillar on a leaf Wiggle, wiggle There's a tiny caterpillar, tiny caterpillar Tiny caterpillar on a leaf Wiggle, wiggle There's a shiny chrysalis on a leaf, shh, shh There's a shiny chrysalis on a leaf, shh, shh There's a shiny chrysalis, shiny chrysalis Shiny chrysalis on a leaf Shh, shh There's a lovely butterfly flying high Flutter, flutter There's a lovely butterfly flying high Flutter, flutter There's a lovely butterfly, lovely butterfly Lovely butterfly flying high Flutter, flutter Yay! Encore! "Candy Apples.
" "Breaker, breaker.
Candy Apples, this is Johnny Green Teeth.
" I'm here, Johnny Green Teeth.
"I really wanna see you.
" I've thought about what you said, about your arrangement with Wendy.
You didn't wanna shit on your doorstep.
We need to talk.
It's important.
Fuck off! Don't.
I'm not like other women.
Stash this.
Don't tell anyone, not even Mia.
You know how it works.
If I don't kill them, they'll kill you.
Why have you got this?