Juice (2023) s01e02 Episode Script
Helluva View
1
This programme contains
some strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature
You're on the market research team.
Say you love it, get 100 quid.
Your boss offered me a full time
position. I'm divorcing your dad.
I'm asking him to hang
this sign since three months!
How about we put some of your stuff
away?
Honestly, I'll be out of here
before you know it.
MUSIC: Badala Zamana
by Zohra
Aaagh! Ow!
SONG CONTINUES
Aaagh!
Now I've said it, I can't stop. Right.
It's actually quite easy, isn't it?
Like, I love you.
I really love you. I love you, Guy.
I love you, too. No, seriously,
I fucking love you.
Mm-hm.
Excuse me? I love this guy.
Oh, God.
Jamma, I think
you're saying it a bit too much now.
Oh, what? It's losing its meaning?
Mmm, a little bit.
Shall I replace it with
something else?
Can you?
Yeah. All right.
BOTH: Ihey-a-lamav-you
Hell ofa view?
Helluva view, that's nice,
I like that.
OK, would you still love me Mmm?
if I spent the rest
of the day like this?
It's not ideal, is it?
But, yeah, I would. Really?
Mm-hm. You're weird. Am I? Yeah.
And what about if my ears were
like this, would you still love me?
Whoa! How are you doing that?
I don't have any cartilage in them.
What the fuck?
Oh, there we go, that lamp for your
side of the bed. No.
No, no, no. I've got a flat viewing
at Winnie's later, so all good.
Ah, OK. OK, what
if every time you had an orgasm
Mmm. ..I was like,
"Fuck the police"?!
Guy.
Dan.
Hey.
Oh! I was enjoying that.
Are you Guy's new?
Yeah, this is Jamma.
Jamma, this is Dan.
Hey, how's it going?
How's Custard?
Pretty unfazed by the whole thing, actually.
Just had three puppies.
Wow, three puppies.
Um, sorry, er, so Dan and I
used to
Oh! Hmm. Oh, shit.
He's hot.
I mean, he's fit too, isn't he?
So it makes sense.
If anything,
I'm letting the team down.
Trust me
you're not.
Er OK. Well, we should probably
make a move, then, right?
I thought you were gonna?
No, I think we've seen everything
we need to see here, haven't we?
OK, yeah. Yeah? Let's go.
It's really good to see you, Dan.
You, too. Take care. You, too.
I think he was flirting with me.
His ex? Hmm. That doesn't make
sense. I know.
No-one ever flirts with me.
But this is how it works.
Now you're in a relationship,
everyone's gonna want you.
That's not true. Mm-hm.
WOLF-WHISTLE
Did he just? Told you.
Thank you.
Do I go after him? No.
A guy in your hand is worth two
guys in your bush.
Winnie, I'm not gonna cheat on Guy.
Jam Jar, of course you are.
Everyone with self-esteem issues cheats.
Are you coming?
Oh, I like it already. And the best
thing is, no neighbours.
Oh, party house! Yeah.
And party we shall.
It's a lovely flat
school classroom.
So, how come you don't want to live
with your boyfriend?
I just don't want to ruin it,
you know?
And, like, his house is very nice
and orderly and tidy.
Are you not tidy?
Oh, no, no, no, I am tidy.
Yeah, no, I clean as a hobby.
PHONE BUZZES
Sorry. So sorry, it's my mum.
Oh, no, no, take it.
Should always make time for family.
Yeah, man.
Hey, Mum, kind of busy right now.
Your dad is a useless coward mouse!
NEIGHBOURS: Shut up!
Shut the fuck up!
I'm throwing him out! What, again?
Mum.
He bought a singing machine.
It has a light-up panel.
MUM SHOUTS BACK IN URDU
Yeah, karaoke night? Sounds great.
Ta-ta, bye-bye for now!
So how did you all meet?
Basil found me on Gumtree,
where I find all my relationships.
Rob and I met at Cambridge,
and Julia and I at a protest for
migrant rights.
You know, Jamma's family
nearly got deported.
Oh, that must have been traumatic.
Not as traumatic as getting pubes,
am I right?
So what's your best quality
as a housemate?
Jamma can make his eyebrows dance.
I can, actually, yeah. Show them.
Winnie, I'm not gonna bore
everyone with
Show them. Give me a beat.
SHE BEATBOXES
And he can do it
with his butt cheeks, too.
No, I'm not gonna
No-one wants to see that, Winnie.
I do. Basil does.
Oh, you ain't never seen
a butt like this.
Butt, b-butt, butt, butt,
butt, butt, b-butt, butt, butt.
Butt b-butt, butt, butt.
Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt
SHE IMITATES HONKING HORN
Yay!
I can make a really good
jacket potato.
So I should show you the room.
The room, yeah, let's, yeah.
Oh, OK.
Here it is. Oh.
Rent, it's 900 before bills.
Wow. Yeah, great.
It's amazing. It's so me.
Er, who was here before? A couple.
Didn't end well.
It never does, right?
Right.
So, I should give you my number
you know, in case you have
any questions about the room.
Yeah, yeah, erm Sorry.
Cheeky boys, get a room!
Preferably this one.
Erm, Rob says he's got a few more questions.
Yeah, er yes.
WOLF-WHISTLE
HORN BEEPS
What's your number?
Oh, mate, come back! I'm taken!
Nah, money's a bourgeois convention.
You know, that's where I'm
putting my vote.
I'm voting for my chakra,
that's where I'm voting.
Hi, yeah, that's
He's done, yeah.
He's done here, yeah. Thank you.
OK, look, if you're really gonna
do this, then let's do it together.
I'm just here to get a case
study for art school.
Oh, so you're doing it ironically?
Yes.
Great.
You know this is like
a serious career?
MUFFLED PODCAST: ..you want to hide
from all your problems.
OK, look, why don't
we market ourselves like brothers?
We are brothers.
People love that shit.
Cain and Abel, Mario and Luigi,
Wallace and Gromit.
Gromit's a dog.
We can help each other get
the good campaigns
cos you don't want a dud campaign.
Hmm, like yoghurt. Yeah.
No, no, sorry, no,
that actually was really respected
in the end cos of me. Hmm.
Do not go in there.
So, you got the tactic, yeah?
You big me up, I big you up.
I don't know what to say for you, though.
Come on, man, just say,
"I've known Jamma my whole life.
"He was born to do this campaign,
it's so him."
Etc, etc, OK?
Well done for settling in,
we'll be moving offices
every six months from now on.
Why? It keeps ideas fresh.
Le Peau Peau face cream,
high-end retainer client based
in Paris,
needs two people to fly
out for the pitch.
If nobody minds,
I'd like to volunteer myself.
I've got great skin. I actually lost
my virginite in Paris,
so I would quite like to return
and find it.
I think Isaac would be great
on this, but maybe with, like,
an older brother figure
to show him the ropes.
Hey? What do you say, bro?
I'll make my decision
by the end of play.
Now, we've got
a lot of new clients coming in
You're supposed to big me up.
It was implied. ..so we really need
to bring our A game.
Which brings me onto the Ekko
chamber. Immersive headwear,
a way to experience podcasts
without distractions.
No, thank you.
I've known Jamma my whole life.
He was born to do this campaign,
it's so him, etc, etc.
Shut up, shut up. Great!
All yours, Jamma.
Bad luck, Jam Jar.
Well done, bro. Cheers, yeah.
PHONE PINGS
It was great to meet you.
When are you free?
PHONE PINGS AGAIN
It's Basil, by the way.
So, the honeymoon's over,
now the real work begins.
How was the Galapagos Islands?
I hated it.
Because of the sunburn?
Oh, God, can you tell?
OK, come on, you two.
Maggie, Hannah, let's use
the communication framework.
Maggie, you go first.
"When you do X, I feel X."
"I would like X"
Oh, yeah, OK.
When you touched me, Hannah,
it was painful.
I didn't want to have sex.
It was painful for me, too.
I just did it because I thought
it was what you wanted.
And what did you want, Hannah?
After-sun. Me, too.
BOTH START TO LAUGH
Ow! Ow! Sorry.
Sorry.
All right, thank you very much.
Thank you. Take care.
I'll see you next time, OK?
Thank you. All right. Bye.
God.
MUFFLED SCREAM
HE SIGHS
Love the great outdoors.
I didn't hear you come in.
Yeah, just, just now.
You been cycling? Yeah. Yeah?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Aah! It's Marmite.
Marmite? Mm-hm. Marzipan.
Marzipan?
Nervousness, betrayal, deceit.
What did you say?
It's like wood smoke.
You smell like a feral goat.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course you can.
Say your clients
No, Jamma,
we're not talking about my clients.
Yeah, no, but, like, hypothetically.
Mm-hm.
Right, for ease, let's call them
Maggie and Hannah.
Jamma!
What? So you were listening?
I know, I'm You can't do that,
it's so unethical. I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm on your side,
they're a pain in the arse.
Listen, if you're gonna talk about
my clients hypothetically,
at least do something like change
their names. Totally.
OK. Say Haggie got Mannah
I mean, that's perfect, isn't it?
a puppy, right?
But, while they were in the
Galapololagos Islands or whatever,
Mannah discovered a new species of puppy.
That don't mean
she don't love the puppy back home.
Yeah, I think
I know what you're getting at.
Yeah. Custard.
What? The other dog.
You're wondering why Dan got custody.
Custody of Custard? Yeah.
I mean, there were just many
issues in the relationship.
Well, what kind of issues?
Well, like trust.
PHONE PINGS
You should get that,
it's probably me.
PHONE PINGS AGAIN
Thanks.
Obviously, I'm fully aware
my ex is very attractive.
Not as hot as you, though.
Really? I didn't really notice.
What ex? Oh, oh, him.
Yeah, no, I don't, I don't really
see that kind of stuff. Thanks.
So, anyway, he would be flirting
with anything that moved,
getting numbers behind my back.
PHONE BUZZES AGAIN
What a dick. Poor guy.
And Basil?
What?
Pass me the basil.
PHONE PINGS AGAIN
Oh, my God. I'll get that!
It's fine.
You need to stop ignoring your mum.
It's an emergency,
I need you home now! No
You look, he's humiliating us
in front of the whole neighbourhood!
How is this an emergency? Jamal!
Get out!
IN URDU:
It's fine, Mum, look,
he's getting out. Look.
SHE SHOUTS IN URDU
OK, get the spare key, Mum.
OK, there's a technique.
It's called "communication
framework", all right?
So, you say, "When you do X,
I feel X. I would like X."
You would like eggs? No, not eggs.
I like eggs. Look, forget the eggs.
Mum, just tell me what happened.
Yeah, appreciate
the Gola pencil case.
What's this got to do
with the karaoke machine?
Congratulations. Thank you.
A singing machine!
Yeah, OK, and how do you feel?
Donkey.
You feel "donkey"?
He's a coward mouse.
No, Mum, that's not how you feel.
That's how I feel.
You're doing it wrong.
I need to go toilet.
No, no, no. Mum, "I would like"
I would like him to stop making me
embarrassed in front of my public.
Great, good.
OK, Dad, what would you like?
I would like
singing machine.
SHE RANTS IN URDU
HE ARGUES BACK
Everyone
Good news, that tactic worked.
Me and the boss spoke and she
wants us to do the Paris campaign.
Paris? We got Le Peau Peau? Yeah, me
and and Pat.
What do you mean, Pat?
She said he's the perfect big
brother figure.
Wait, what? Anyway, got to go learn French.
No, no, Isaac.
I'm literally your big brother.
Singing machine!
SHE CONTINUES RANTING
Dad, man, just get
a refund for the stupid machine.
A smart suit, yeah? Promise me.
Mum, just let him move back in.
The car's starting to smell.
You think living together helps?
He hasn't touched me in 20 years.
Have you tried telling him
you love him?
Love?
Love is not enough, Jamal.
PHONE PINGS
Do you wanna get a drink?
Ahem.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm having an affair. What?
It's a guy I met at the house
viewing, his name is Basil.
I know, what kind of dickhead name
is Basil?
OK, Jamma, slow down.
No, he's been texting me,
trying to hook up. And have you?
No Right. ..but I just,
I knew this would happen.
As soon as I say, "I love you,"
I let you down.
But you haven't slept with anyone?
No, no,
but it's really hard not to, OK?
Everyone is literally throwing
themselves at me.
Anything else?
Mate, I'm not interested.
See what I mean?
It's like suddenly everyone's
realised I'm drop dead gorgeous.
Jamma, do you know what? I think
that maybe
Oh, what, what? You don't
believe people find me hot?
I'm not saying that. OK. No
Oh, look, Mr Basil Brush
has left a voice note.
Let's listen to this filth,
shall we?
Hey, you're not replying,
so I'm gonna have to say this in a
voice note.
We decided to go in a different direction
with the housemate situation,
that's why I wanted to meet.
We thought it was more ethical
to tell you in person.
It's full of subtext.
Anyway, no subtext,
just wanted to let you know
that it's nothing personal.
We loved your butt dance.
Butt dance? OK, do you know what?
Forget it.
What about your ex-boyfriend, then?
At the furniture shop,
he was giving me the eyes.
He was trying to get back at me.
For what?
You know I said
that, in our relationship,
myself and Dan had issues
with trust?
Well, at the end of the day,
it was me that broke that agreement.
What do you mean?
I slept with someone else.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I didn't want to
lose your trust
and now you're upset with me.
So, let me get this right.
Dan wasn't flirting with me
because he found me hot?
He was being manipulative.
Probably a bit of both, though, right?
No. OK.
Great, so no-one finds me hot.
Well, I do. Yeah, I know you do -
that doesn't count.
Look, I I don't care
about your previous relationships,
I just know that I love you,
but I don't want to pretend
that we don't find other people hot.
Yeah, absolutely. So, let's just
keep the dialogue open
and keep this light and sexy, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah?
Do you still love me? Helluva view.
RHYTHMIC THUMPING
Fuck the police!
GUY LAUGHS
This programme contains
some strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature
You're on the market research team.
Say you love it, get 100 quid.
Your boss offered me a full time
position. I'm divorcing your dad.
I'm asking him to hang
this sign since three months!
How about we put some of your stuff
away?
Honestly, I'll be out of here
before you know it.
MUSIC: Badala Zamana
by Zohra
Aaagh! Ow!
SONG CONTINUES
Aaagh!
Now I've said it, I can't stop. Right.
It's actually quite easy, isn't it?
Like, I love you.
I really love you. I love you, Guy.
I love you, too. No, seriously,
I fucking love you.
Mm-hm.
Excuse me? I love this guy.
Oh, God.
Jamma, I think
you're saying it a bit too much now.
Oh, what? It's losing its meaning?
Mmm, a little bit.
Shall I replace it with
something else?
Can you?
Yeah. All right.
BOTH: Ihey-a-lamav-you
Hell ofa view?
Helluva view, that's nice,
I like that.
OK, would you still love me Mmm?
if I spent the rest
of the day like this?
It's not ideal, is it?
But, yeah, I would. Really?
Mm-hm. You're weird. Am I? Yeah.
And what about if my ears were
like this, would you still love me?
Whoa! How are you doing that?
I don't have any cartilage in them.
What the fuck?
Oh, there we go, that lamp for your
side of the bed. No.
No, no, no. I've got a flat viewing
at Winnie's later, so all good.
Ah, OK. OK, what
if every time you had an orgasm
Mmm. ..I was like,
"Fuck the police"?!
Guy.
Dan.
Hey.
Oh! I was enjoying that.
Are you Guy's new?
Yeah, this is Jamma.
Jamma, this is Dan.
Hey, how's it going?
How's Custard?
Pretty unfazed by the whole thing, actually.
Just had three puppies.
Wow, three puppies.
Um, sorry, er, so Dan and I
used to
Oh! Hmm. Oh, shit.
He's hot.
I mean, he's fit too, isn't he?
So it makes sense.
If anything,
I'm letting the team down.
Trust me
you're not.
Er OK. Well, we should probably
make a move, then, right?
I thought you were gonna?
No, I think we've seen everything
we need to see here, haven't we?
OK, yeah. Yeah? Let's go.
It's really good to see you, Dan.
You, too. Take care. You, too.
I think he was flirting with me.
His ex? Hmm. That doesn't make
sense. I know.
No-one ever flirts with me.
But this is how it works.
Now you're in a relationship,
everyone's gonna want you.
That's not true. Mm-hm.
WOLF-WHISTLE
Did he just? Told you.
Thank you.
Do I go after him? No.
A guy in your hand is worth two
guys in your bush.
Winnie, I'm not gonna cheat on Guy.
Jam Jar, of course you are.
Everyone with self-esteem issues cheats.
Are you coming?
Oh, I like it already. And the best
thing is, no neighbours.
Oh, party house! Yeah.
And party we shall.
It's a lovely flat
school classroom.
So, how come you don't want to live
with your boyfriend?
I just don't want to ruin it,
you know?
And, like, his house is very nice
and orderly and tidy.
Are you not tidy?
Oh, no, no, no, I am tidy.
Yeah, no, I clean as a hobby.
PHONE BUZZES
Sorry. So sorry, it's my mum.
Oh, no, no, take it.
Should always make time for family.
Yeah, man.
Hey, Mum, kind of busy right now.
Your dad is a useless coward mouse!
NEIGHBOURS: Shut up!
Shut the fuck up!
I'm throwing him out! What, again?
Mum.
He bought a singing machine.
It has a light-up panel.
MUM SHOUTS BACK IN URDU
Yeah, karaoke night? Sounds great.
Ta-ta, bye-bye for now!
So how did you all meet?
Basil found me on Gumtree,
where I find all my relationships.
Rob and I met at Cambridge,
and Julia and I at a protest for
migrant rights.
You know, Jamma's family
nearly got deported.
Oh, that must have been traumatic.
Not as traumatic as getting pubes,
am I right?
So what's your best quality
as a housemate?
Jamma can make his eyebrows dance.
I can, actually, yeah. Show them.
Winnie, I'm not gonna bore
everyone with
Show them. Give me a beat.
SHE BEATBOXES
And he can do it
with his butt cheeks, too.
No, I'm not gonna
No-one wants to see that, Winnie.
I do. Basil does.
Oh, you ain't never seen
a butt like this.
Butt, b-butt, butt, butt,
butt, butt, b-butt, butt, butt.
Butt b-butt, butt, butt.
Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt
SHE IMITATES HONKING HORN
Yay!
I can make a really good
jacket potato.
So I should show you the room.
The room, yeah, let's, yeah.
Oh, OK.
Here it is. Oh.
Rent, it's 900 before bills.
Wow. Yeah, great.
It's amazing. It's so me.
Er, who was here before? A couple.
Didn't end well.
It never does, right?
Right.
So, I should give you my number
you know, in case you have
any questions about the room.
Yeah, yeah, erm Sorry.
Cheeky boys, get a room!
Preferably this one.
Erm, Rob says he's got a few more questions.
Yeah, er yes.
WOLF-WHISTLE
HORN BEEPS
What's your number?
Oh, mate, come back! I'm taken!
Nah, money's a bourgeois convention.
You know, that's where I'm
putting my vote.
I'm voting for my chakra,
that's where I'm voting.
Hi, yeah, that's
He's done, yeah.
He's done here, yeah. Thank you.
OK, look, if you're really gonna
do this, then let's do it together.
I'm just here to get a case
study for art school.
Oh, so you're doing it ironically?
Yes.
Great.
You know this is like
a serious career?
MUFFLED PODCAST: ..you want to hide
from all your problems.
OK, look, why don't
we market ourselves like brothers?
We are brothers.
People love that shit.
Cain and Abel, Mario and Luigi,
Wallace and Gromit.
Gromit's a dog.
We can help each other get
the good campaigns
cos you don't want a dud campaign.
Hmm, like yoghurt. Yeah.
No, no, sorry, no,
that actually was really respected
in the end cos of me. Hmm.
Do not go in there.
So, you got the tactic, yeah?
You big me up, I big you up.
I don't know what to say for you, though.
Come on, man, just say,
"I've known Jamma my whole life.
"He was born to do this campaign,
it's so him."
Etc, etc, OK?
Well done for settling in,
we'll be moving offices
every six months from now on.
Why? It keeps ideas fresh.
Le Peau Peau face cream,
high-end retainer client based
in Paris,
needs two people to fly
out for the pitch.
If nobody minds,
I'd like to volunteer myself.
I've got great skin. I actually lost
my virginite in Paris,
so I would quite like to return
and find it.
I think Isaac would be great
on this, but maybe with, like,
an older brother figure
to show him the ropes.
Hey? What do you say, bro?
I'll make my decision
by the end of play.
Now, we've got
a lot of new clients coming in
You're supposed to big me up.
It was implied. ..so we really need
to bring our A game.
Which brings me onto the Ekko
chamber. Immersive headwear,
a way to experience podcasts
without distractions.
No, thank you.
I've known Jamma my whole life.
He was born to do this campaign,
it's so him, etc, etc.
Shut up, shut up. Great!
All yours, Jamma.
Bad luck, Jam Jar.
Well done, bro. Cheers, yeah.
PHONE PINGS
It was great to meet you.
When are you free?
PHONE PINGS AGAIN
It's Basil, by the way.
So, the honeymoon's over,
now the real work begins.
How was the Galapagos Islands?
I hated it.
Because of the sunburn?
Oh, God, can you tell?
OK, come on, you two.
Maggie, Hannah, let's use
the communication framework.
Maggie, you go first.
"When you do X, I feel X."
"I would like X"
Oh, yeah, OK.
When you touched me, Hannah,
it was painful.
I didn't want to have sex.
It was painful for me, too.
I just did it because I thought
it was what you wanted.
And what did you want, Hannah?
After-sun. Me, too.
BOTH START TO LAUGH
Ow! Ow! Sorry.
Sorry.
All right, thank you very much.
Thank you. Take care.
I'll see you next time, OK?
Thank you. All right. Bye.
God.
MUFFLED SCREAM
HE SIGHS
Love the great outdoors.
I didn't hear you come in.
Yeah, just, just now.
You been cycling? Yeah. Yeah?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Aah! It's Marmite.
Marmite? Mm-hm. Marzipan.
Marzipan?
Nervousness, betrayal, deceit.
What did you say?
It's like wood smoke.
You smell like a feral goat.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course you can.
Say your clients
No, Jamma,
we're not talking about my clients.
Yeah, no, but, like, hypothetically.
Mm-hm.
Right, for ease, let's call them
Maggie and Hannah.
Jamma!
What? So you were listening?
I know, I'm You can't do that,
it's so unethical. I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm on your side,
they're a pain in the arse.
Listen, if you're gonna talk about
my clients hypothetically,
at least do something like change
their names. Totally.
OK. Say Haggie got Mannah
I mean, that's perfect, isn't it?
a puppy, right?
But, while they were in the
Galapololagos Islands or whatever,
Mannah discovered a new species of puppy.
That don't mean
she don't love the puppy back home.
Yeah, I think
I know what you're getting at.
Yeah. Custard.
What? The other dog.
You're wondering why Dan got custody.
Custody of Custard? Yeah.
I mean, there were just many
issues in the relationship.
Well, what kind of issues?
Well, like trust.
PHONE PINGS
You should get that,
it's probably me.
PHONE PINGS AGAIN
Thanks.
Obviously, I'm fully aware
my ex is very attractive.
Not as hot as you, though.
Really? I didn't really notice.
What ex? Oh, oh, him.
Yeah, no, I don't, I don't really
see that kind of stuff. Thanks.
So, anyway, he would be flirting
with anything that moved,
getting numbers behind my back.
PHONE BUZZES AGAIN
What a dick. Poor guy.
And Basil?
What?
Pass me the basil.
PHONE PINGS AGAIN
Oh, my God. I'll get that!
It's fine.
You need to stop ignoring your mum.
It's an emergency,
I need you home now! No
You look, he's humiliating us
in front of the whole neighbourhood!
How is this an emergency? Jamal!
Get out!
IN URDU:
It's fine, Mum, look,
he's getting out. Look.
SHE SHOUTS IN URDU
OK, get the spare key, Mum.
OK, there's a technique.
It's called "communication
framework", all right?
So, you say, "When you do X,
I feel X. I would like X."
You would like eggs? No, not eggs.
I like eggs. Look, forget the eggs.
Mum, just tell me what happened.
Yeah, appreciate
the Gola pencil case.
What's this got to do
with the karaoke machine?
Congratulations. Thank you.
A singing machine!
Yeah, OK, and how do you feel?
Donkey.
You feel "donkey"?
He's a coward mouse.
No, Mum, that's not how you feel.
That's how I feel.
You're doing it wrong.
I need to go toilet.
No, no, no. Mum, "I would like"
I would like him to stop making me
embarrassed in front of my public.
Great, good.
OK, Dad, what would you like?
I would like
singing machine.
SHE RANTS IN URDU
HE ARGUES BACK
Everyone
Good news, that tactic worked.
Me and the boss spoke and she
wants us to do the Paris campaign.
Paris? We got Le Peau Peau? Yeah, me
and and Pat.
What do you mean, Pat?
She said he's the perfect big
brother figure.
Wait, what? Anyway, got to go learn French.
No, no, Isaac.
I'm literally your big brother.
Singing machine!
SHE CONTINUES RANTING
Dad, man, just get
a refund for the stupid machine.
A smart suit, yeah? Promise me.
Mum, just let him move back in.
The car's starting to smell.
You think living together helps?
He hasn't touched me in 20 years.
Have you tried telling him
you love him?
Love?
Love is not enough, Jamal.
PHONE PINGS
Do you wanna get a drink?
Ahem.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm having an affair. What?
It's a guy I met at the house
viewing, his name is Basil.
I know, what kind of dickhead name
is Basil?
OK, Jamma, slow down.
No, he's been texting me,
trying to hook up. And have you?
No Right. ..but I just,
I knew this would happen.
As soon as I say, "I love you,"
I let you down.
But you haven't slept with anyone?
No, no,
but it's really hard not to, OK?
Everyone is literally throwing
themselves at me.
Anything else?
Mate, I'm not interested.
See what I mean?
It's like suddenly everyone's
realised I'm drop dead gorgeous.
Jamma, do you know what? I think
that maybe
Oh, what, what? You don't
believe people find me hot?
I'm not saying that. OK. No
Oh, look, Mr Basil Brush
has left a voice note.
Let's listen to this filth,
shall we?
Hey, you're not replying,
so I'm gonna have to say this in a
voice note.
We decided to go in a different direction
with the housemate situation,
that's why I wanted to meet.
We thought it was more ethical
to tell you in person.
It's full of subtext.
Anyway, no subtext,
just wanted to let you know
that it's nothing personal.
We loved your butt dance.
Butt dance? OK, do you know what?
Forget it.
What about your ex-boyfriend, then?
At the furniture shop,
he was giving me the eyes.
He was trying to get back at me.
For what?
You know I said
that, in our relationship,
myself and Dan had issues
with trust?
Well, at the end of the day,
it was me that broke that agreement.
What do you mean?
I slept with someone else.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I didn't want to
lose your trust
and now you're upset with me.
So, let me get this right.
Dan wasn't flirting with me
because he found me hot?
He was being manipulative.
Probably a bit of both, though, right?
No. OK.
Great, so no-one finds me hot.
Well, I do. Yeah, I know you do -
that doesn't count.
Look, I I don't care
about your previous relationships,
I just know that I love you,
but I don't want to pretend
that we don't find other people hot.
Yeah, absolutely. So, let's just
keep the dialogue open
and keep this light and sexy, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah?
Do you still love me? Helluva view.
RHYTHMIC THUMPING
Fuck the police!
GUY LAUGHS