MacGruber (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Signal reestablished.
Satellites just coming
back online, General.
Okay, people, we need answers,
and we need them yesterday.
Do we have any idea who
these kidnappers are, major?
No, sir. They scrambled our comms
before we could get a real ID.
What about a location?
We dispatched two recon drones
to try and track them down,
but nothing so far.
So we don't know who they are,
where they are,
or what they're planning to do next?
No, sir.
Jesus.
What about MacGruber?
I'm sorry, sir. We have
to assume the worst.
Sir.
Barrett.
Honey, now is not a good time.
MacGruber's in trouble. I can sense it.
I I know I can help.
There's nothing you can do for him.
Come on, Barrett. I-I-I know
him better than anyone, please.
He was my mentor, my first husband.
- Victoria.
- I know how he thinks.
- I know how he moves.
- Victoria.
He took both my
virginities, for God sakes.
Victoria!
He's dead.
- What?
- MacGruber is dead.
I'm sorry.
- Sir.
- Not now, major.
Sir, the president is on the line.
Victoria, I have to take this.
Please, go home. Don't worry.
Look, I'm gonna find whoever did this,
and I'm gonna make them pay. I promise.
Happy birthday
- Happy birthday to you
- To you
- Open.
- Happy birthday to you
Queeth.
Mommy!
MacGruber?
Mommy!
Hello.
Hello.
I know you're out there, Queeth.
Where are you, you sack of shit?
Well, look who's up.
Hello, MacGruber.
Have a bad dream?
No, I had a fucking great dream.
Fucked your mom and dad unprotected,
came in both of them a bunch of times.
That sounds pretty wild.
Oh, it was. And it was so much better
than the nightmare you're about to have.
- Tell me about it.
- Oh, gladly.
It'll be a simple two-step process
in which I get loose and
then do to you exactly
what I did to your folks,
mephorically, of course.
'Cause I wouldn't let my dick
get within 100 calendar
feet of your dirty butthole
So we're calling that a dick now?
Oh, fuck you, Queeth.
You'll pay for what
you did to my family.
Oh, I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Oh, but you do.
As soon as I get out of here,
I'm gonna skin you from stem to stern
and leave your bloody carcass
to rot in the noonday sun.
And that's a promise.
You got me quaking in my boots.
Oh, where are my manners?
You got some old friends here
who just can't wait to say hello.
Master Sergeant Lon Vincente,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
No.
Sergeant Major Presley Dean,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
Commander Baker Jaxx,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
Lieutenant Chance Tucker,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
Been too long.
Captain Bex Dawson, killed
in action May 1, 1998.
I suspect you're detecting
a bit of a theme here.
Yeah, you guys are all
still super ugly as shit.
You know, it feels just like yesterday
that you left us all for dead
bleeding to death in
the burning-hot savannas
of Burkina Faso.
But it wasn't yesterday, was it?
No, it was 20 years ago,
20 years of near constant torture
in a secret prison camp
behind enemy lines.
I guess that's what happens to traitors.
Traitors?
We were American soldiers
putting our asses on the
line for our country.
All we wanted was our fair share.
Am I right?
Yes, sir.
But you wouldn't let that happen.
Oh, well, ex-squeeze me if
I had a little problem with you
selling a chemical weapon
to the Russian government.
We were never going to use
Brimstone, you fucking dolt.
No one was ever gonna die.
But all that time we spent
rotting away in that prison,
we perfected the plan.
And now people will die.
Looks to me like you're
forgetting one teeny,
tiny, little, incredibly huge thing.
Yeah? What is that?
There's only one person in the world
who knows where Brimstone is.
And his name rhymes with fuck you-ber.
And that man or woman
Could be a woman
Hid it in a very safe place.
So looks like you're
shit out of luck, bud,
'cause you're never, ever,
ever, ever, ever gonna
Uh, what's that?
Brimstone.
No, it can't be.
It can, and it is.
You're lying.
You're tying play me like a blank CD.
But we all know what happens
to blank CDs.
They get burned.
Okay.
Well, if this isn't Brimstone,
then why am I gonna kill you right now?
You're not, right?
Perhaps you remember your
old friend, Constantine Bach.
Constantine.
No.
Hello, MacGruber.
But you're dead.
No, he survived that
explosion at Cunth's compound.
His eyes didn't, however,
which is why he requested personally
to kill you himself.
I just wish he could see
what he's about to do to you.
Well, we're off to make merry.
Hey, Queeth, one more thing.
Go fuck yourself.
Another home run.
Have you been working on these?
I sure have.
And I don't accept your compliment.
Goodbye, MacGruber.
Constantine, he's all yours.
Fuck you!
You won't get away with this!
I'm gonna get outta here,
and I'm gonna stop you!
- Fuck you!
- Ready the choppers.
What is all this crap
we're hauling anyway?
No idea.
But it's important enough
for me to get an H2 clearance
and miss my daughter's birthday.
Oh, that's too bad, man. How old is she?
She's 8 going on 18.
Aw, she's a cute kid.
Gonna need therapy, though.
Wait, why would you say
The partridge is in the pear tree.
Wonderful.
Tell the reindeer to
turn that sled around.
Copy that.
Thanks for coming.
Your message sounded pretty urgent.
Piper, MacGruber's dead!
Ohh, he's dead! Ah!
They asked him to do a suicide mission.
And he RSVP'd, "Yass, queen."
He didn't tell you?
I didn't let him.
Ohh.
We used to make love to this song.
Mm.
Me and MacGruber.
Yeah, I got it.
Oh, he was such a giving partner.
He never wanted me
to have to do any of the work.
Sometimes he would even tell me
to not talk so he could
picture something.
Nice.
Probably just the two of us
on a hike or swimming at the Y.
We would build to this crescendo,
and he would generously
finish for the both of us.
And then use the restroom.
Okay.
Be in there for a while.
Then he would come, and in his best
Jim Carry voice he would
say, "Do not go in there."
- Cool.
- He would shake my hand,
ask me to leave, and
then hug me with one arm.
It was pure bliss.
Yeah, it sounds yeah.
Whoo! Come on, Piper. Let's go.
Let's celebrate.
Vicki, you don't have to do this.
Don't have to what, Piper? Be happy?
I have a wonderful husband
and a big, glitzy house,
and I don't ever have to work again.
And no more getting shot at,
and no more risking my life
to save the world.
I have the best job ever now.
I'm a wife.
I'm really happy.
Ohh.
He needed us.
He needed us.
Okay. Okay, what you need is some sleep.
Yeah.
So let me take you home, okay?
- Yeah.
- All right.
What kind of car do you have?
Ahh!
Ah, there he is.
Shall we begin?
I made these especially
for you, MacGruber.
Oh, God.
And I can't wait to use them.
Constantine, come on, buddy.
What's the rush, right?
You know, you should grab a few
Molsons and pull up a chair.
I'll just hang here literally.
But seriously, let's catch up, huh?
I've thought about
this day for 11 years.
I've thought about it too.
'Cause I knew that this would
be the day that you forgave me
for getting your eyes
all blown up to shit.
Look, I got some buds
in the optical industry.
So why don't you let me out of here,
and we can go get you a
brand-new set of peepers
for those eye stumps of yours, huh?
Any color you want.
And I promise you from
the bottom of my heart
I will not press charges.
You've done a lot of
very hideous things today
that are illegal, to be
honest, very illegal.
And I will not I'll overlook it.
I'll just like, "Didn't happen."
Sorry, MacGruber.
Now, what do I want to start with?
Ah, this will do nicely.
I'm gonna carve you
up like a country ham.
And I'm gonna take it nice and slow
so you can enjoy every second of it.
No, no, no. Please, don't do this.
This isn't you. You're better than this.
Be best. Be best.
How about little music?
It tends to cover the screaming.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Constantine, bud, on your way
to get that music going
Which by the way I agree
is a great way to cover up screaming
Could you pop into the other
room and get me a little water,
you know, sparkling if you got it?
Nice try, MacGruber.
Shit.
You know, after you
blinded me in that explosion,
it took me years to recover.
The only thing that got me
through was the thought
that one day I'd be
able to deliver to you
as much pain
as you gave me over the last 11 years.
Not my first choice, but I'll live.
You on the other hand
Guess who's out of his restraints
And I know you can't see this, but
Fuck you too, MacGruber.
Well, I guess I'm gonna
skedaddle on outta here.
By the way, thanks for leaving
that scalpel right by
where my fucking hands were,
you fucking dumbass.
I mean, that was the
biggest dipshit move,
and I cannot wait to
tell Queeth about it
right before I rip out his throat
and take a major dump down his neck.
You know what that's called, huh?
An upper-necker. Yeah.
So, well, guess I should be going.
Great to "see" you.
And yes, that is a dig at the fact
that you don't have usable eyes anymore.
Oh, and one more thing.
I am totally pressing charges.
Yeah.
So kiss my fucking butt,
'cause I am officially outta here.
What the fuck?
Maybe it's time we
even the playing field.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck.
How the fuck do you
get out of this place? Shit.
Hey, MacGruber.
I went and got myself a little toy.
Holy shit. A fire gun.
- A flamethrower.
- Yeah, a flamethrower.
You know, the only good thing
about losing one of your senses?
The other ones grow much stronger.
You can smell better.
You can hear better.
You can kill better.
Ahh!
It's the one with the ducks on the door.
Nice.
He's gone, Piper.
He's really gone.
Mm.
And he's never, ever coming back.
Hey, remember what he
always used to say.
"Never ever say never ever."
He taught us so much.
He was the smartest man that ever lived.
Uh, yeah.
I bet he's in heaven right now
fighting for justice
with Gandhi and Lady Di.
I bet he is.
You know, like, if some bad guys got in,
like, they snuck in on,
like, a technicality
- and they shouldn't have
- Right.
I bet he's punching them
in the face right now
- Sure.
- Kicking them in the friggin'
butts and ribs and
pulling out their eyes.
He always wanted to pull out
someone's eyes.
But he didn't get to.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to make this all about me.
I know you're hurting too.
Yeah.
What do you think he'd be
doing to the bad guys up there?
All the stuff that you said.
That's so true.
Thanks, Piper.
Look, you're gonna get through this.
I know it's hard, but
just try to remember,
he's in a better place.
He's in a better place.
Okay.
He's in a better place.
MacGruber, where are ya?
Our Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come; thy will be done.
Gotcha!
Those stairs are a dead end, MacGruber.
You're fucked now.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Fuck, fuck.
MacGruber, I have a story for ya.
Long ago there was a king
with a very interesting way
of dealing with criminals.
He'd give them a choice
between two doors.
Behind one door was a hungry lion
who'd immediately tear
the criminal to pieces.
Behind the other door was a pot of gold.
The criminal just had to
make the right choice.
What's the play? What's
the fucking play?
What choice are you
going to make, MacGruber?
Well, unfortunately for you,
in my version of the story,
there's a lion behind both doors.
And guess what.
It's dinnertime.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ahh! Ahh!
Now, that's a spicy meatball.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Ahh!
So this is it.
This is where he dies.
So long, MacGruber.
You were one of the good ones.
At ease, soldier.
We'll take it from here.
Oh, thank God,
the light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
There's no chance I won't make it now.
Ahh!
What do you say we burn
in hell together, MacGruber?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ahh!
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ahh!
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- No! No!
Ah-ha-ha!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Sleep well, my prince.
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Goodbye, my love.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Got a man down here.
Oh, my God, Constantine.
Man, how are you even alive?
I'm not.
But I am.