Make Some Noise (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
- [Sam] Tonight, awkwardly
dismounting a ski lift,
it's Ross Bryant.
(audience applauding)
Getting locked out of his hotel
room naked without a keycard
it's Jacquis Neal.
(audience applauding)
(Jacquis grunts)
(cheerful music)
And a time lapse of a plant
growing toward the sun,
it's Anna Garcia.
(audience applauding)
(cheerful music)
They're all here to-
- [All] Make some noise!
(cheerful music)
- Welcome to "Make Some
Noise," the game so good
we spun it off unchanged.
I am your host Sam Reich, and
here's how the show works.
I have a series of improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before.
Isn't that right, players?
- I can't see.
- He can't see.
- He can't see.
- Obviously not.
- They will, to the best of their ability,
fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points,
and the winner will take
home the coveted Golden Ear.
- Ooh.
- Sorry second and third place players.
The silver and bronze
ears got lost in transit.
Ross.
- It has come to this.
- [Sam] A lounge singer's patter
before a royalty-free song.
- Hey everybody, thanks
for coming in tonight.
You know, it's beautiful
to see so many lovely people out here.
Maybe you're gonna make
a little love connection
just like I might in a
tight, confined space
of a tiny, little rowboat
taking you all the way up the river.
And it goes a little something like.
Row, row, row your boat ♪
- [Sam] Yes!
- You know what I'm talking about.
How gently?
Real gently up the stream ♪
Merrily ♪
Did I say?
Merrily, life is but a ♪
Ooh, what a beautiful dream.
- Ooh!
- That's right, Ross.
Hot damn!
- Wow, wow. (claps)
- Kicking us off well.
Yeah, I'm gonna say an
initial three points for Ross.
- Ooh, wow.
- Jacquis.
- Sam.
- A best man speech in which the subtext
is that he and the groom
were abducted by aliens.
- What a beautiful ceremony.
Never thought my man Jeremy
would be getting married. (laughs)
You know, we've been
through a lot together.
We've been through a lot together.
We used to play "Dragon
Ball Z" video games,
you know what I'm saying?
We have felt some things, you know,
probed into us at certain
points of our lives.
And never did I think, you know,
when we were staring at a
cold, you know, empty void
that this is where we would be.
Now, some of y'all may be
asking what the empty void is,
and Jeremy, you know.
(Ross laughing)
Lela, welcome to the family.
And speaking of welcome
to, remember, Jeremy,
when we was like, "Welcome to Earth."
Like welcome to the family.
- I will cut you off
there, Jacquis. Oh, man.
Intergalactic amount of
points for you, Jacquis.
- Oh!
- Anna.
- Yes.
- Someone who is slowly but surely
turning into an "Animal
Crossing" character.
- Yeah, so I was just,
I was at the supermarket the other day.
I saw my friend in there.
I completely forgot and I was (babbles)
I forgot his name completely,
and he was (babbles)
And then I was like, okay
sorry, I need to (babbles)
(continuous babbling)
- I will cut you off there, Anna.
I heard gasps of
recognition among the crew.
Let's say three and 2/3 points for you.
- Ooh.
- Ross.
- Yes, sir.
- A Confederate soldier's letter home
in which he's subtly trying
to start a sexting thing.
(Anna laughing)
- (Southern accent) Dearest Ophelia.
(Sam and Jacquis chortle)
The Sun is setting over
the Chattanooga River,
and I know that tomorrow may be the day
I draw my last breath as
I face the Yankee horde
that seeks to come and wrest our freedom
and our, quote, "property"
unquote, from us.
(Jacquis chuckles)
I do not know when I shall
once again feel your presence,
wrap my hand around your bodiced charms
and once again whisper your name.
But if a Minié ball is to
find purchase in my bosom
upon the morning, I hope
that you shall tell me
what you are wearing, girl.
(Sam and Anna laughing)
(Jacquis laughing)
First question, Ophelia.
You up?
(cast laughing)
Has the cock crowing
brought you forth from blissful slumber?
I repeat, you up?
(cast laughing)
For rest assured, I am up, Ophelia.
In particular, part of me
is up as the sturdy oak tree
in front of the plantation
that bears your family's name.
(Jacquis and Anna laughing)
And if I die tomorrow, which
as a Confederate soldier
I richly deserve to do,
(cast laughing)
I hope that when I die the last thoughts
that go through my mind is a
thought of them titties, girl.
- My God, Ross! Holy shit!
- Oh.
- Frankly, the only reason
I could dock you points
is the word "subtly."
(cast laughing)
- Subtlety is not my brand.
- And I would never do that.
- Honestly, my favorite
Confederate soldier of all time.
(cast laughing)
- 25 points for you, Ross.
- Oh!
- Oof!
- Jacquis!
- Ah, okay.
- A referee calling party fouls.
- Okay, all right, all
right, all right, all right.
All right, we're gonna
keep it clean here, folks.
Now, I want you to keep
your hands above the table.
Keep your hands above the table
as you throw the balls
into the water cups.
And water is beer
in case you don't know
what I mean, all right?
Are you ready? Set, go.
All right, motherfucker,
all right, technical foul!
Technical foul!
You dropped the ball on the ground.
You dropped the ball on the ground.
You know what happens when you
drop the ball on the ground.
COVID is on the ground!
COVID is on the ground!
Oh, you wanna talk some shit?
You wanna talk some?
All right, get out!
(Sam laughing)
Get out, ejection, ejection!
- Beautiful, Jacquis.
I saw our COVID officer
nodding along with you.
I'm gonna say 50 points for the dialogue
and another 51 points for the dance.
- Ooh.
- Anna.
- Yes.
- Your annoyingly complicated
Starbucks secret menu order.
- Hi.
(Sam laughs)
Hi, yeah, I'd like to place an order.
Okay, are you ready?
You have your note? You need a notepad?
Notepad? Notepad?
(Sam laughing)
So we're gonna start with a venti, right?
It's gonna be a double frap cappuccino,
and I do want you to have nutmeg cream.
Nutmeg cream, you guys have that?
Well, if you would need
to mix the regular cream
with nutmeg I would get it. (giggles)
Okay, and then I know that
you guys use cinnamon sticks.
Three of those, could you blend them?
And when you do that, just
put a cup in the blender, too.
I don't mind that flavor.
I know it gives it more
of an earthy taste.
What you're gonna do
is throw out the first I thing I gave you.
I don't want that.
And then what you're gonna
do is make me a hot chocolate
with a little bit of candy cane in it.
I don't care that it's May.
I will hand you my credit card.
It's gonna get rejected.
- (laughs) Anna!
- Get to it! (claps)
- What an absolute Gen Z nightmare.
(Anna laughs)
Let's say a venti amount
of points for you.
- Oh.
- Ross.
- Yes, sir.
- An ad for a new McDonald's
sandwich, The Macbeth.
- (Scottish accent) Did ye work up an
appetite (Jacquis and Anna laughing)
unseaming the foes of your liege lord
from the nave to the chaps?
When the dawn breaks, how
shall ye break your fast?
- [Sam] Oh, shit!
- The new McDonald's Macbeth,
the only sandwich with
meat taken from a cow
that trusted the butcher
with its very life.
(cast laughing)
That beef is placed upon
a bun along with pills
and a super special sauce.
The new McDonald's Macbeth,
it is a meal you shall wish to
enjoy tomorrow and tomorrow.
(cast laughing)
And tomorrow.
(Ross sings McDonald's jingle)
I'm loving it!
(cast laughing)
(cast clapping)
- First of all, that
was a long commercial.
- That was the part that
probably strained credulity.
(cast laughing)
- These hands about to give you points.
(cast laughing)
Jacquis.
- Here I am.
- The TV premiere of an R-rated movie
in which the curses have been replaced by,
you know, words that aren't curses.
- You ninjas are gonna be spending time
at mother-flipping Pelican
Bay when I'm done with you.
Shoe program, ninja!
Everything else, ninjas!
Now listen here!
(Sam laughing)
You can't do this to me!
I'm mother-flipping King Kong around here.
I put ninjas in choke holds.
Oh damn, the Russians.
(mimics bullets landing)
- (laughs) The ultimate button
is getting shot to death
by a firing squad.
Let's say, (laughs) a point per ninja.
(cast laughing)
- Oh.
- Anna, last prompt of round one.
One of those, like,
beekeeper TikTok narrations,
but they got stung a lot of times.
- Everyone, thanks so much for joining me
on another day of rescuing
bees in Southern Texas.
I am so, so excited.
This family called me up,
and they had a huge, huge infestation
on their side of the
wall in the living room,
and I knew it was going
to be an amazing day.
I couldn't find the queen
bee, but as I was looking
I noticed that there was a
small swarm in the corner.
I stuck my head in and,
ouchie, one of them stung me.
That's not typical.
Anyway, I kept looking.
I reach for the queen.
She's in the upper left-hand corner.
Ouchie, ooh, ow, ow, ow,
more stings. (laughs)
I have a suit on. They're
not supposed to do that.
I grab the queen and I put her safely
in the back of my pickup truck,
and the rest of the bees start to follow.
However, instead of going
straight to the queen,
they go through me, ow, ow, ow, ow!
They are penetrating my skin
and I am bleeding on the ground.
I'm allergic to bees and I
go into shock immediately,
and I am making this
voiceover from the hospital.
- (laughs) Anna, the accuracy.
- Yeah.
- Very accurate.
- I watched a lot of
that bee lady's videos.
- I have also watched
a lot of that bee lady,
but we didn't know that ahead of time.
Queen bee amount of points for you.
- Sweet, sweet, thank you.
- Wow.
(cheerful music)
- It's time for the mini game.
Players, I'm going to give you a category.
The category in this case
being, regional insults.
I am going to give you a region
and you give me the famous
local insult from that region.
Chicago, Illinois.
(buzzer buzzes)
Anna.
- Oh, you're drunk and do improv.
- (laughs) That's probably right.
(Anna laughing)
- [Jacquis] Mm-hmm.
(Buzzer buzzes)
- Ross.
- Eh, take it back to Milwaukee
you Wisconsin snack jacket.
- There you go.
- [Jacquis] There it is.
- Snack jacket, absolutely, Ross.
- Nice.
- Next up, Paris, France.
(buzzer buzzes)
[Sam] Jacquis!
- You smell like fries.
(Sam and Anna gasp)
Dirty American fries.
- How dare he.
(buzzer buzzes)
Ross.
- You are um, you are uh, um, how you say?
In my language, la douche.
(Sam laughing)
A douchebag, no?
(buzzer buzzes)
- Anna.
(Anna speaking in French)
- Shamefully, I'll have to
take your word for it, Anna.
- (laughs) It was all kinda gibberish.
- That was bad.
- Yeah.
- I don't think you can air that.
- Next up, Savannah, Georgia.
(buzzer buzzes)
Ross.
- Let's just say, he's not the type
that I would invite to a Friday fish fry.
- (laughs) It's so passive aggressive!
Dublin, Ireland.
(buzzer buzzes)
Ross.
- Why don't you get out of my face,
you coal-carrying prick
before I paint a new
face for you with these,
St. Patrick and St. Michael.
Read your catechism, you fucking bastard!
(buzzer buzzes)
- Jacquis.
- So I don't do an Ireland accent,
but I will say to you that
if you keep making me angry,
I'm gonna show you what's on
the other side of the rainbow.
- Ooh.
- And it's not a pot of gold.
- There you go.
Ottawa, Canada.
(buzzer buzzes)
Jacquis.
- If you would kindly stick
a maple tree up your ass, eh?
I'm from the New York side of Canada.
- Jacquis, British Columbia over here.
Back in my neighborhood,
we eat poutine, okay?
- Hey!
(cast laughing)
(buzzer buzzes)
- Ross.
- Gosh, that wasn't very nice there, bud.
(Jacquis laughing)
- That's all they wrote.
(buzzer buzzes)
Yep.
- I really don't appreciate
when you talk to me that way.
It really hurts my feelings,
and I just want there to be
an open line of communication
between the two of us.
- Basically we're just saying Canadians
are emotionally mature.
(Anna laughing)
- Right.
(lively music)
- That brings us to round
two where our players
will now test their
talents in teams of two.
Ross and Jacquis.
- Okay.
- Shakespeare's "Dude, Where's My Car?"
- Such intoxication as
we have had yesternight
hath but clouded my brainpan such
that I know not where is our cart, my guy.
- Dost thou mean our cart isn't parked
on the road of our abode, outside?
- Nay, there where it is wont to haunt,
its native resting place
outside our domicile
it hath absented itself therefrom, dude.
- Lastest nighteth, when we were partaking
in the juana of Mari.
- We did smoke in great quantities.
- I parkedth the cart right
here, but now it is gone!
- Aye.
- So I ask thee,
Dude, whereth is our car-eth?
(Sam laughing)
- Query me not this, good sir.
I am bereft of knowledge as thou art.
When thou didst turn thy back at me,
I did espy some tattooings
of thy back region.
- A tattooeth on my back region?
- Twixt thy very sharpened shoulder blades
was some word placed
which my eyes did espy.
May have tis some clue?
- Turneth around.
No, nothing.
- And cut.
- We shall not play out this tableau.
- (laughs) I love how that
was like, 30 seconds of movie
in like three full minutes of Shakespeare.
- That's about right.
(cast laughing)
- Jacquis and Anna.
- [Jacquis] Mm-hmm.
- A kernel of popcorn
gives its unpopped child
the talk.
- Orville.
(Sam laughing)
Come to the left side of the bowl.
I would like to have a speak with you.
- I don't wanna really do this.
- Now, there comes a time
in every young kernel's life
where you get a little hot.
(Sam chuckling)
And when you get a little
hot, you get a little bigger.
And when you get a little bigger,
sometimes people want
to pour butter on you.
And I want you to know that
if that's ever not something
that you want to do, you can
speak up and say that, okay?
- I got a question.
- Yes.
- What do I do when I get so, so horny?
(Sam laughing)
- Well, when you get horny,
you find someone to have sex with.
- I can't just pop myself?
- We can't do that. Which is why,
if you want somebody to pop you.
- Uh-huh.
- You have to give them
consent to pop you.
- Oh, that's awesome.
I have a, I have a
(slaps hands with Jacquis)
(cast laughing)
I have a crush on a girl kernel.
- That's so good.
- You're awesome.
- And cut.
(cast laughing)
Just so we're all keeping track,
Orville Redenbacher, pro-gay.
(Anna laughing)
Pro-consent, anti-masturbation.
(cast laughing)
Ross and Anna, one of these two
is definitely wearing a wire.
- Oh good, I didn't think you'd come.
- I did.
(Sam laughing)
- All right, I've got the crack cocaine.
(cast laughing)
If you've got the money,
then we can do this thing,
by which I mean exchange
the money for drugs.
- Hey Greg, why are you talking like that?
- Talking like what?
Come on, let's get this over with
and conduct this transaction.
Money is exchanged for goods and services.
In this case, the services are drugs.
(Sam and crew laughing)
- I'm gonna be honest, Greg.
You're freaking me out.
- You're freaking me out, dude.
- I guess I'll give you the product.
- And just to be clear, because
you know I don't like it
when things are vague,
(cast laughing)
the product in this case
being crack cocaine,
a refinement of cocaina in
rock form to be smokified.
- I've got a big gun.
- And you definitely have a license
for possession of said
firearm, do you not?
- I will cut you off there.
Here's the wild thing,
she was wearing the wire.
- I have the wire.
- She was wearing a wire
the whole time.
- I have a wire.
- Ross and Jacquis.
Two kraken trainers at Sea World
show off their work with the krakens.
- Brian and I are super
excited today to share with you
some of the wonders of the deep.
Are you guys ready?
- Yeah! (laughs)
(Anna cheers)
- Fantastic. Give a big
hello to our krakens.
They are currently
swimming around in the pool
right in front of you.
Now, these are elemental beings
formed in the non-Euclidean
realm of Poseidon,
a sort of pocket dimension
in between our world
and the world of myth and dreams.
- Ooh.
- They've entered our universe
through a perversion
of the laws of nature,
and we'll be jumping
'em through some hoops.
- Yeah!
Now, I just want to let you all know
that if these kraken look familiar to you,
you may have seen 'em
in the movie "Pirates of the
Caribbean: At World's End."
And they were trained
- [Ross And Jacquis] By us!
(cast laughing)
- You're looking at some
movie stars here, guys.
- Some stars.
- Yeah, if they look familiar
it's 'cause you saw 'em standing
right next to Mr. Jonathan Depp.
- Oh yes, now, if you want to hear a very,
very fun little secret.
- I do.
- Guess what?
- What?
- These kraken are brother and sister.
- Uh-oh, uh-oh. That's
right, they are related.
And they do fight for dominance.
Is there human collateral damage?
- Yes, yes.
- Every time.
- And cut.
- [Jacquis] Yes.
- Damn Ross, that amount of kraken trivia
was nothing I expected
anyone to bring to the table.
- Oh boy.
- Jacquis and Anna.
- [Jacquis] Yes, yes.
- Two athletes in a decathlon
having just finished the marathon portion
and beginning the hot dog eating portion.
- [Jacquis] Okay.
- Oh, (breathing heavily) fuck you.
- I'm gonna fucking win. I'm gonna win.
I'm gonna fucking do this.
- This is gonna be my
fifth consecutive year.
- Oh no.
- With the gold!
- I'm gonna fucking beat you this time.
(groans) How many of
these do we gotta eat, 14?
- Oh, I thought it was 74.
- What? Oh, that is a seven.
(cast laughing)
- Oh my.
- Okay. (mimics swallowing)
(Anna coughing)
- I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna-
- I'll tap out if you tap out.
- But the prize is $50.000!
- $50.000? Shit!
(cast laughing)
- What?
- [Sam] And cut. (laughs)
- I got that!
- Jacquis's character thought
he was doing this for free.
Anna and Ross, two of those people
who always make conversation on planes.
(Ross sighs)
- Oh God, eight hours.
- Uh-huh.
- We're in for a journey.
- Yeah, New York to Hawaii nonstop.
- Have you been?
- Only in my imagination.
- I hear it's amazing.
My mom just went there for a wedding.
It was her friend from her
bowling league growing up
and she's-
- No way, what is her name?
- Her name's Dianna Reed.
- I know a Dianna Reed!
- You do not know a Dianna Reed!
- Yes, I do!
- That's my mom!
Riddle me this, riddle me this.
Did your mom grow up in Pentacowa County?
- Pentacowa County, Virginia? Uh, yeah.
- That's where my mom grew up!
- Okay, now this is starting
to literally freak me out.
- My mind is blowing!
- Is this some kind of practical joke?
I'm sorry, are these air
conditioners or cameras?
- (laughs) That's crazy. The air is on-
- Oh boy, this is gonna
be a fun eight hours.
- I'll cut you off there.
My literal nightmare,
and the reason why I have
noise-canceling headphones.
(lively music)
That brings us to round three
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
Ross.
- Yes, sir.
- Jacquis.
- Yes.
- Anna.
- Hello.
- A rendition of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
in which the third singer
is clearly trying to amp things up a bit.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- And a one, and a two and
a skiddily-diddily-doo.
Row, row, row your boat ♪
Gently down the stream ♪
Row, row, row your boat ♪
Gently down the stream ♪
Merrily, merrily ♪
Row, row ♪
Merrily, merrily ♪
Row your boat ♪
Life is but a dream ♪
Gently down the stream, yeah ♪
Row, row, row your boat ♪
Row ♪
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
Life is but a dream ♪
(Anna vocalizing passionately)
Row, row, row, your boat
gently down the stream ♪
Row your boat, row your
boat, row, row, row, yeah!
- Anna, my God!
Whitney Houston in the house.
- [Ross] Runs for days.
- Is this an improv show or
a talent show, am I right?
- Did I win?
- Ross, Jacquis, Anna, ready.
Throuple's therapy.
- Okay, I have a rose and a thorn.
My rose is, I really loved
that you made breakfast for us
after our night together.
- Thank you.
- And I guess my thorn is
that that breakfast did contain gluten.
We've been over that.
- Okay.
- The only cereal grains
that I can deal with
are like millet and like
artisanal grains and sorghums.
- Okay, I have a little bit
of a gift and a curse as well.
The gift is, I'm so happy that you guys
finally caught up on the latest
season of "Jessica Jones"
so we can watch it together.
But the curse is, I'm
very upset at you two
for skipping ahead on "General Hospital"
where you know that I wanna know
what's going on with Sonny
Corinthos and the clan.
Like, if we can't do the
little things together,
how can I trust we can do
the big things together?
- [Ross] I hear you, I hear you.
- Okay?
Anna, you don't have to raise
your hand. You can talk, yes.
- Neither of them have ever made me cum.
(Sam laughing)
- Then you deserve an
Oscar for last night.
- I thought you came.
(Sam and crew laughing)
- I did not.
- You fingered yourself.
- Yeah, we were hands-off.
- Hands-off, you-
- You told us to go to the
other side of the room.
- And watch.
- "I'm gonna get this done."
- And whose fault is that?
- It feels like yours.
- We were following your instructions.
- And whose fault is that?
Following your instructions?
- And cut.
(cast laughing)
This throuple clearly
has a lot of work to do.
Last but not least, players.
Ross, Jacquis, Anna.
- All right.
- An improv group has
a bunch of stipulations
for the one-word suggestion.
- Hey, everybody, thank
you so much for coming out!
- (claps) Thanks, guys.
- We are Fist Pump.
Yeah, we are going to need
just one thing from you guys,
and that is a one-word suggestion,
but the word cannot
start with the letter K.
- No.
- It's personal, it's personal.
- Also the word cannot be
food. No food, no food.
- No food! Ugh, how many
times have we heard pineapple?
- No way.
- None.
- No K's, we're talking no food.
If it's a location, and I do say if
'cause it does not have
to be, but it could be,
I'd love for that
location to be big enough
to fit in a five-by-five square.
- Yeah.
- Let me get a fist pump!
Fist Pump, Fist Pump.
- And if you have a word and
you think that word is funny,
take that word and shove it
up your fucking ass. (laughs)
- No fucking comedians in the crowd!
- Take that shit home!
- Take that shit outta here.
We are doing the comedy.
- If you know me personally, don't speak!
- Any personal friends of Anna,
shut the fuck up!
- Shut the fuck up!
- Tell me what you guys
cooking, cooking, cooking
on not food, no K's.
- Chopping, chop, chop.
- Five-by-five maybe.
If you're Anna's friend,
fucking keep it down.
- And cut.
(cast laughing)
It's funny because it's true.
(cast laughing)
That brings us to the end of our show.
Our winner tonight, Anna Garcia!
- (cheers) And here I come!
(Jacquis grunts)
- Oh, I asked for this.
- Anna, you win the coveted Golden Ear.
- Thank you, Sam.
- You are so welcome.
(audience and cast clapping)
- I got a call. It's Hollywood.
- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."
Be sure to tune in next time
for more of the game samer.
I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
- [Jacquis] Yeah, Anna!