Malcolm in the Middle: Life's Still Unfair (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

-[footsteps thumping]
-[insects chirping]
[playful folk rock music playing]
Ooh ♪
Woo-ooh-ooh! ♪
[pants]
-[music concludes]
-[continues panting]
[panting] Come on. Oh, come on.
-[breathes deeply]
-[dial tone ringing]
-[cellphone rings, buzzes]
-[inhales deeply] Hello?
[pants] Stevie,
it's It's Malcolm.
-[TV playing in background]
-Malcolm!
-Who?
-[chuckles] Yeah, it's, uh,
it's been a few months.
Look, I was just thinking
about you.
I figured I'd give you a call.
How's little Max? How's Glenn?
Cute.
[inhales deeply]
-Needy.
-[Malcolm over phone] Great.
Great. I I love the pictures you sent.
-Ah, you know, Max is--
-What's wrong?
Everything! Mom and Dad
and Leah and Tristan
all found out at the same time, in person!
You have to help me
come up with a smart enough lie
to cover up the years of lies
I already told them!
I mean, it's gotta be brilliant!
I [exhales deeply]
told you [breathes deeply]
-this would happen.
-[horse nickering]
You did. You did. What do I do now?
-Do you mind?
-[nickers]
[Malcolm] Seriously, what do I do?
Confess.
Apologize.
Make it right.
Stevie, quit clowning around.
They already know,
there's nothing to confess.
It's Mom.
She sees apologies as permission
to become more enraged.
I've misled them for over a decade.
-How do I make that right?
-[nickers]
Hey, Malcolm,
can he call you back? [chuckles]
It's his turn for story time
and we need
to finish before midnight.
Okay. Thanks anyway.
[Stevie] Sorry, man.
-[horse nickers]
-[grunts]
You're in a wheelchair, and I'm needy?
[sighs]
[theme song playing]
Life is unfair ♪
[sighs] It's just not fair!
[Piama] Oh, my God, what happened?
What did I do? What did we do?
[grunts] We have just had
the worst 24 hours of our life.
We just found out--
Guess who's gonna be a grandma?!
-[grunts]
-Isn't it amazing?
We've been trying for so long.
Years and years of constant sex
and all these weird mommy
blog positions,
and it finally happened!
[pleading] Get your pee stick
out of my face!
Seriously?
You can't even be happy
for me about this?
[muttering] Why do I even try?
-Who's ready for re-caulking day?
-[caulking gun whirs]
I put this on your credit card.
-What?
-We just found out
that Malcolm has been
intentionally hiding himself
from this family for years
and covering it up with lies!
He has a teenage daughter!
A secret teenage daughter!
I still think
my thing's pretty important.
Dad, I am so sorry.
I think we all knew Malcolm
would eventually betray us.
That's what Harvard does
to people.
[sighs]
-Or any college, really.
-Oh. That reminds me.
-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
-[playful music playing]
What are you doing?
Dad is out there, emotionally destroyed.
I have to trash Malcolm
as much as I can
-before he snaps out of it.
-How stupid are you?
You mean, like, professionally measured?
Just because Mom and Dad
aren't on social media,
you thought nobody else
would find it?
What? eBay? They already know
I sell my underwear to pervs.
What about Professor Dumb-Dumb?
[quirky instrumental
music playing]
-Shall we peruse "Greatest hits"?
-[music concludes]
[keyboard clacking]
[perky garage rock song, "Big
Fat Woodpecker" playing over PC]
-Huh! Boom, boom, boom ♪
-Oh!
-Come on! [grunts]
-Goes the big bass drum ♪
-Boom, boom, and we gonna get some ♪
-God! [groans]
-Big, a-big, a-big bad bass ♪
-[sneezes loudly]
-Boom, boom, goes the big bass drum ♪
-[groans]
These new ones aren't just more efficient,
they are so much quieter.
Wood-wood-peck
peckity-peck-fat-check ♪
-Peck-peck ♪
-[sniffs] What is-- Something
Oh! Oh! Oh! [shrieking]
Jing-jangy
a-cling-clang-bangy ♪
Reese, just unplug it! Just
unplug it! Reese!
-Boom, boom ♪
-[shrieks] Reese!
Boom, boom ♪
[screams]
-[song concludes]
-[keyboard clacking]
Sixty-eight videos.
Millions of views.
How much money have you made
publicly humiliating Dad?
-Including merch?
-Merch?
-Are you gonna snitch?
-Hell, yes, I'm gonna snitch.
Okay. What do you want?
-To snitch.
-No. What do you want from me?
-To be there when I snitch.
-Kelly, you don't wanna do that.
Dad is too upset. He couldn't take it.
I know that! God, this is so frustrating.
It felt so good ratting Malcolm out.
It was like [breathes deeply]
I'd found my calling.
I'm an informer.
It's like being a whistleblower, but mean.
And turning you in
was going to be [kisses]
Now, I have to wait to spill my guts.
But it's coming.
[high-pitched moaning]
What did you see?
[sobbing] Everything.
[grunts]
[quirky instrumental music playing]
Oh. Oh, my God, what happened?! [gasps]
He he just fell down for no reason.
Old people do that all the time.
[Lois] Hal? Hal!
[pants] Help me--
Help me get him into bed.
-He won't [straining] unwind!
-Oh.
Well, roll him! [breathes heavily]
Oh. Careful, careful, careful. Oh, my G--
Oh [hesitates] Okay. Watch-- Watch--
-[mumbles indistinctly]
-Okay. Uh What do we do?
-We'll just roll him.
-Okay.
-Roll him. This way.
-Use your legs, not your back.
[music concludes]
-Hey.
-How far did you run?
Six miles past the interstate.
I'm in much better shape than I thought.
I met a horse.
I named him Cookie.
Dad, seriously?
I can take Mom being crazy,
but that's only because you're not.
[sighs] I'm so sorry.
I promise I'll never do anything
like that again.
And don't call your mom crazy.
She just has a lot of problems.
Primarily being crazy.
[sighs] So, anything else
you've been, hmm, I don't know,
lying to me about since I was born?
-[Malcolm] Leah.
-No!
My self-image is already screwed up.
And now, I'm part of a family
I know nothing about.
I mean, are they murderers? Or geologists?
Or have Tay-Sachs or Klinefelter syndrome?
Or enjoy reading?
Or have characteristic body language?
Or they're athletic? Or super-tasters?
I should know all of that.
There's no geologists.
I think Tristan is amazing.
She is. Oh, my God,
she must be so mad at me.
Yeah, she told Grandma
-and Grandpa that--
-[Malcolm gasps]
I was not ready to hear you
call them that.
They really seemed okay.
I-- I don't understand
-why you can't be around them.
-I think yesterday you saw
a pretty convincing demonstration.
I have hay in my crack.
I cannot go back to how I was before,
and I'm not gonna risk you.
You are perfect.
I want you to stay perfect.
[sighs] Okay, that--
That's just fighting dirty.
You have to think of it like
they're the full moon
-and we're werewolves.
-It doesn't matter.
Your cover is blown,
and Grandma doesn't seem
the type to just let things go.
Look, I need time to figure this out.
[hesitates] You need to promise me
that if she contacts you,
you will not respond
until you talk to me first, okay?
-Okay.
-No, you need to promise.
Calm down. I promise.
Thank you. I need to get some sleep.
I'm still mad at you.
You'll still be mad when I wake up.
I believe in you.
[gentle instrumental music playing]
[snores softly]
[sighs]
[door closes softly]
[softly] How could Malcolm abuse
my trust this way?
I'm so mad at him for betraying me.
You know, by comparison,
Reese looks pretty good.
Sure, he's impetuous,
but that rascal has a heart of gold.
He's still my favorite.
[music concludes]
[Francis] What's that?
It's the 33rd of 40 love letters
your father wrote me for our anniversary.
Two pages each, front and back.
-Not a single repeat.
-[sighs]
Listen, I have to talk to you.
I was so excited to tell you
about the baby.
We tried so hard for so long,
and when it finally happened,
all I wanted to do was tell you.
You didn't even say
congratulations.
You're right.
I'm sorry. Congratulations.
-Never said I was perfect.
-Yes, you have.
Well, I didn't mean it.
Look. [scoffs]
I will admit, there is a part of me,
a part I do not like,
that feels like you intentionally waited
until this exact moment
to get pregnant just to make it
harder for me
to deal with all these
other problems.
-That is crazy.
-Honestly, your whole life
has been like you purposely
planned every moment,
good or bad, to happen
at the worst possible time.
That's not fair.
It's always totally random.
I know I hurt your feelings.
And I I feel bad about it.
And I promise I am gonna be
happy about this very soon.
I'm gonna be overjoyed.
Just not right now.
I have too many
other priorities right now.
You and the baby are number eight.
That is so insult-- Wait.
You have a list with numbers?
Yes.
How do you think I manage?
I have to rank everything
according to how bad
and how soon.
Anniversary party is number one.
Number two is our brand new,
already-born granddaughter.
I mean,
she has been thrown into this circus
with no preparation. We have to make it
as comfortable as we can for that child.
Your father is a close number three.
Leah has the edge 'cause she's younger,
but he is in a complete meltdown.
Number four is making Reese pay
for what he did!
Number five is figuring out a way
to get Malcolm back into this family.
Number six is making him pay
for what he did! [breathes deeply]
Number seven is trying
to keep myself from draining
our life savings to pay for this party!
So, you are number eight.
[moody jazz music playing]
When she puts it that way,
I really can't argue with her.
Are you kidding me?
We're one slot above "try oat milk."
I know.
-[sighs]
-Sucks to feel like you don't matter.
I promise I'll never do that to our kid,
as long
as they don't piss me off too much.
[clicks tongue]
You are an incredibly smart,
-sexy momma.
-[chuckles softly]
[groans softly]
[gate whirring]
-[dog barking in the distance]
-[sighs]
Do you care?
I like the breeze.
[birds chirping]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[Alison] Hey, Leah.
-[music fades]
-Hi, Allison.
-See you at pizza.
-What pizza?
Oh. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Forget I said that.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Joanie's doing pizza
after the social studies final.
I thought everyone was invited.
You really didn't.
And why do you take
such delight in humiliating
someone who shouldn't even be
on your radar?
Wow.
You really are cruel.
[moody jazz music playing]
[birds chirping]
Mm.
Morning.
Is it morning?
Oh [scoffs] Sweetie.
-[clicks tongue]
-[music fades]
Did you know
that there's a South American slug
that after mating,
the eggs are deposited in the father?
And over the next three months,
the children slowly eat their way
out of their loving father
until he's an empty husk
that blows away in the wind.
-I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois.
-[sighs]
You know, we
we could just Let it go.
-[scoffs softly]
-For a little while.
Mm, I'm sorry
Mr. Plumber.
I don't have enough money to pay your
great big bill.
There must be some way I can satisfy you.
The office can put you on a payment plan.
Did you just turn down sex?
I guess I did.
-Hal.
-Oh.
Hal, we we we don't
-turn down sex.
-I know. [sighs]
We've done it in weddings and funerals
and and petting zoos.
-[mutters indistinctly]
-Hal, sex is our love language.
I know, I know. I'm sorry, honey,
-but
-[sighs]
Can I at least give you a hug?
[whimpers softly]
Not physically.
-[moody jazz music playing]
-[weeps, whimpers]
Thank you.
[Tristan over phone]
Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip.
-[voicemail beeps]
-Hey, Tristan. It's me again.
Look, I realize that you haven't
returned my calls the last couple days
because my messages were apologies
without an explanation
[chuckles nervously]
which I also apologize for.
So, here it is.
[clicks tongue]
I've been seeing a therapist
the last month or so.
She put me on this antidepressant,
Venallpramine.
Um, I didn't realize the side effects
that it caused on my
[inhales] moods,
behaviors, and decision-making.
But I am not gonna use a medication
that altered everything about me
as an excuse.
[chuckles awkwardly] No.
And, uh, I'm not gonna bring
Leah into this either, okay?
Even though she already feels
so connected to you,
she knows that not seeing you again
isn't anything like
when her mother abandoned her.
But please do not do this
to her. She's just a kid.
-[cellphone beeps]
-[sighs]
I'll be ashamed of myself
after I get her back.
[quirky instrumental music playing]
We are just so glad you called, Leah.
Dad insisted I get to know
the family right away.
If Dad can keep secrets,
I can break promises.
This is Francis and Piama.
-Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey.
-[music concludes]
-[system chimes]
-And this is your uncle Reese,
who is going to explain himself
and apologize to me this very second.
Word of warning. They get mad
about anything around here.
-[keyboard clacks]
-[Lois chuckles nervously]
Well, we are just so excited
about all of this.
We've just missed so much.
We have a 1,000 questions
we'd like to ask you.
-Hal
-Hmm?
D-- Don't you have a question
that you'd like to ask Leah?
Uh [stammers] Yeah, uh
Uh, what what do you wanna do
when you grow up?
[feebly] Crush your father's soul
and make him question his own identity?
Huh?
[chuckles awkwardly]
Excuse us a minute.
[keyboard clacks]
Welcome to the family, Leah.
Gosh, I wish I was able to be
there to welcome you properly.
[Gigi in French]
Mon chéri, viens me rejoindre
dans mon petit bain très chaud.
[Gigi] Parce que
je serais très glissante.
[faucet running]
[in English]
Sorry, they're, um
[clicks tongue]
evacuating the hotel.
-Europe, right?
-[keyboard clacks]
-[scoffs]
-Yeah, hey, I gotta go too.
I gotta sneak in a cigarette
while the lieutenant's still taking
a dump. Don't tell Mom I smoke.
-[system chimes]
-[chuckles awkwardly]
Is it me? [chuckles]
Because this feels like
when they make us choose lab partners.
No friends, huh?
Yeah, you give off that vibe.
Kids can be mean. Parents too. [grunts]
So, the social thing is tough, huh?
[breathes sharply] No, it's great.
I'm I'm on the waiting list to move up
from outcast to pariah.
It really is fine. I mean,
I'm I'm used to it.
Because, like, what choice
do I have? [chuckles]
I mean, there's way worse problems, right?
[system chimes]
Leah. Have you ever tried being kind?
-Probably not.
-I am nice all the time,
and I get treated like crap anyway.
Nice is different than kind.
Kindness requires empathy,
and empathy requires putting yourself
in someone else's place
so you understand how they feel.
Do you remember ever doing that?
[scoffs]
[chuckles] Right!
That's a tough one for your dad too.
You guys have brains that are so different
from other people's,
it's impossible to feel like
you have anything
in common with them.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Just make an arbitrary rule.
If you're not getting along with someone,
imagine you have empathy for them
and act accordingly.
Like how I imagine
I'm not always on the brink of violence.
-Try it. See what happens.
-[Leah sighs]
-Something you wanna add?
-[breathes deeply]
I bet if I crashed the car,
I'd move up two spaces.
[moody jazz music playing]
-[keyboard clacks]
-[system chimes]
Oh, honey, Leah needs
her warm and loving grandpa.
I'm [breathes deeply]
so sorry, Lois,
but I don't think I can.
-[gentle music playing]
-I look at her [inhales]
and instead of a sweet kid,
I just see one more person
who will hurt me.
[knocking on door]
[sighs]
[playful jazz music playing]
Ten-hut!
Lois! Your orders are to stay just
as sweet, loving, and beautiful
as the day Hal first laid
his loving eyes on you!
Open fire!
[explosion]
-[sighs, groans softly]
-[song concludes]
-[Sergeant screaming] Reload!
-[guns cock]
-[indistinct chatter]
-[school bell ringing]
[sneezes]
Ah! [chuckles]
I must be allergic to something.
[all snigger]
[quirky instrumental music playing]
She fake sneezed a booger onto her chin.
There's a giant chunk of snot on her chin.
There's a million ways
that I could nail her.
Do I go funny? Do I go brutal?
Do I connect it to her character flaws,
so it stings with some staying power?
[chuckles] My mind is reeling.
-[gasps]
-[music concludes]
Uh, hey, you have a thing on your chin.
It happens to me all the time.
[gasps]
Wait, wait, wait. I saw
what you did back there,
that giant Jabba the Hutt
on her face. Oh, my God.
-I I was just--
-Oh, I hate Allison.
I had the perfect idea.
[sniffles] I was gonna go,
"Would you care for some crackers
with that oyster?"
-And
-[chuckles softly]
then seeing what you did,
I mean, I feel kind of sorry.
That was, like, noble.
[chuckles] I'm not noble.
-Well, something. Leah, right?
-Yes, Jason.
I sit next to you in English.
And World History.
Oh. Right? I'm dumb.
Was this a meet-cute?
This was a meet-cute, right?
[music fades]
[sighs] Tristan's on her way over.
I'm gonna take responsibility
and acknowledge the impact
that my actions had on her.
Or I'm gonna justify it.
And I'm gonna frame things
in a way that she thinks
that it's partially her fault.
-Which one's gaslighting?
-[knocking on door]
[gasps, pants]
-Hi.
-[Malcolm] Hey.
Thank you so much for talking to me.
I know how upset you are.
I know how bad I screwed up and I
I don't need to talk. I need to listen.
Go ahead.
I love your kid.
That's all I have for positives.
-Good start.
-You totally sandbagged me.
Anytime I asked you about your family,
you said it was complicated.
What I saw was not complicated.
It was just wrong.
Yes, but I have a solution for that.
All those angry, vicious things
I screamed at 'em?
Imagine I didn't.
You have to make peace
with your family, okay?
For your own sake and sure
as hell for Leah's sake.
You don't understand. I can't.
It's not just Mom and Dad.
It's so much worse with my brothers.
I mean, all we ever do is fight,
except for when we team up to fight them.
You have brothers?
Four. And one non-binary.
Dude. Come-- [breathes sharply]
-This is so much to unpack.
-Don't unpack. Just burn.
-We don't need to know--
-No-- I should go.
No. I [sighs]
[faltering]
I I help the poor! [voice echoes]
-What?
-I care so much about social justice.
-Malcolm, what are you--
-I'm not bad. I'm good.
I-- I'm not bad. I'm really good,
and and I'm smart, which I remember
that you don't care about,
because I listen, and I know how to tie
shoelaces away,
so they never come untied,
and I love you!
Oh, I should have led with that,
but I'm panicking. I'll start over.
I can't be around you right now.
I understand.
I'll I'll be here
whenever you're ready.
That won't be until I can trust you again.
If ever.
[moody jazz music playing]
All night long.
We should have called the cops.
I didn't get any sleep at all. [sighs]
Dad's always been a loud crier.
Guys, what are you doing
still in your PJs?
-[music fades]
-Party's in 32 hours.
We still have a lot to do.
According to your
twenty-bullet-point schedule
for today, I've more than enough time
to finish my store brand cereal.
That was before I realized
that my dress only looks right
with open-toe shoes.
I had to add an emergency pedicure.
My toes look like twisted walnuts.
Solved that one.
-Is Dad finally asleep?
-No. He got up over an hour ago
to help run errands.
Come on, you guys. Let's go.
Get the lead out.
-[indistinct chatter]
-Huh? See? Completely normal.
-Don't be nervous.
-I'm not nervous.
-I'm desperate!
-Oh.
I only have one day to shake off
all this depression and anger
so I don't ruin the party for Lois.
Well, this will help.
Microdosing is the best thing
I ever did.
It's how I lost all that weight
and got a handle
on my gambling addiction.
I replaced it with porn.
-Greetings, voyagers. Namaste.
-[Abe sighs]
-Namaste.
-Richie?
[new age music
plays faintly over speakers]
Hal! Great to see you!
How's Francis? How's the family?
I don't care! I need help.
Worry not.
I have many weeks' experience
as a hallucinogenic scientist,
shaman, concierge.
We see your pain, truth seeker.
And we have incredible shit
to deal with it.
Let me give you a tour of our Tripitorium.
-I I don't need a tour.
-Indulge me.
-[Hal mutters indistinctly]
-Hal. Please, please.
[Hal sighs]
Couch, cot, water, bathroom.
We recommend starting
in our central chair.
Some people call it
a dream platform.
Others, a launch pad
to enlightenment.
Either way,
there's a puke bucket next to it.
Oh, uh, we already paid.
I used my coupon.
Don't forget,
that doesn't include tip.
-Right.
-[Richie sighs]
This is the "medicine."
Air quotes are for the lawyers.
Since you're new to this,
we'll start you out with 1.5--
-[breathes deeply]
-[Hal] Mm.
-[shouts] Where'd they go?
-[gulps]
-He swallowed them.
-All of them?
I have to divvy them out.
You ate 60 milligrams.
-Is that too much?
-Well, not if you're like
-15 elephants.
-[Abe] Okay.
We gotta get your stomach pumped.
No!
It's the only chance
I have left. I'm going in.
Gonna need a bigger bucket.
[upbeat psychedelic rock song
plays, "Grow Wings and Fly"]
Yeah-hey! Ow! ♪
[song concludes]