Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

[sighs, chuckles]
Bro, learn to make your own food, huh?
No, I'm telling you, passive income.
- You get this from a wealth podcast?
- [scoffs]
Maybe hosted by, you know,
an alpha dude with a shaved head?
Were there a lot of ads for cold plunges?
'Cause it sounds like it.
No. Listen to me, okay?
We buy the old motel next to the college.
- We… We buy it for nothing.
- [groans]
- We fix it up--
- And we "de-hepatitis" it.
Would you wanna be the one to scrub out
the blood and semen stains?
Yeah, I'll scrub it down, okay?
- We can hose it down…
- Really?
…with antibiotics for all I care.
- I don't… Whatever, okay?
- [chuckles] Okay.
We turn them into apartments.
I know carpentry,
I can do most of the work--
And then what?
Then you rent these apartments to broke,
unreliable college kids?
No. We rent it to their parents.
Guarantors. There's no risk.
You need permits, babe.
You need insurance…
- Okay, Mr. Reality.
- Well, it's just… it's a risk.
Look. You wanna get rich?
Be boring. Mutual funds, CDs.
Don't buy too many things.
Don't buy too few.
Don't tell your friends how much you make.
Get something expensive for yourself,
have a good place to hide it.
Oh, I have one.
Maybe, um,
cook instead of sushi every day.
[mocking] "Maybe cook
instead of sushi every day."
Being profoundly cute
is not a business plan.
You need discipline.
Well, I already put 30% down.
Oh, didn't know you had the money.
Well, I've been saving.
You really are cute, you know that?
[chuckles, sniffs]
Kinda tragic how cute you are. [chuckles]
So, is that a yes?
Are you in?
'Cause… I'd really like
to do this together.
Well…
if it makes you happy.
[chuckles]
[Trevor]
Are you sure you can't sleep over?
[partner] I am very sure.
Unlike you, handsome,
I have a boss and responsibilities.
Call me when you wake up.
[groans]
[Trevor] Look, it's wearing a scarf.
- [shutter clicks]
- [laughing]
- [phone chimes]
- [chuckling]
Smart. It is cold and flu season.
[chuckling]
- [phone chimes]
- [chuckles]
Mmm.
Good night, babe.
[phone chimes]
[cat meowing]
Mmm? Oh, God.
[groans] It's too early for brekkie.
- [kisses, chuckles] Yeah.
- [meows]
[yawns]
[yawning]
[connecting tone chimes]
["You Sexy Thing" plays on speaker]
[clicking tongue]
[cat purring]
[groans]
[meows]
Seriously?
It's what Billie Eilish feeds
her freaking Abyssinian.
[cat meows]
- [meows]
- All right, all right.
I'll get you the good stuff.
[music continues]
- [intruder grunts, groans]
- [choking]
- [groans]
- [choking]
[intruder panting]
[panting]
[music continues]
[music ends]
[doorbell rings]
[Paula] Hello?
["Bang! Bang!" playing]
[ominous music playing]
[footsteps approaching]
[whimpering, breathing shakily]
[saw whirring]
[whirring]
[whimpering]
[gasps]
- [phone ringing]
- [gasps]
[whirring continues]
- [whirring stops]
- [whispers] Fuck.
[Paula gasps]
[urgent music plays]
[footsteps running on roof]
[electronic music playing]
[grunting]
[coughs]
[suspenseful music plays]
[groans]
[panting]
[tires screeching]
[horn honking]
[panting]
[panting]
[groans]
Fuck.
[breathing shakily] Okay.
[automated voice] Incoming call from Karl.
Oh, my God. Is everything okay?
Is Hazel okay?
[Karl] Yeah, yeah. H-Hazel's fine.
- [sighs]
- Uh, are you okay, Paula?
Uh, yeah.
[sobs]
No, no.
Fuck! Fuck me in the fucking face!
- You're on speakerphone, Paula!
- Mom!
Do you have my new cleats?
[Karl] Yeah, one of us
is a little bit upset
because it's the first practice
and they're a little bit nervous
about losing their center-mid position
to Chloe E.
Uh… Uh…
You… You have all of her stuff, Karl.
[Karl] Except the new cleats.
I'm sure you… you… you have to have 'em.
Maybe you moved 'em when--
- Mom, I need them!
- [Karl] I don't know.
Chloe E. went to soccer camp!
Soccer camp, Paula!
It's a goddamn emergency.
Paula.
- Paula.
- [Hazel] Mom!
Yeah. I-I-I don't have them, sweetie.
[groaning] Then I'm not going, Mom!
You're so annoying!
Yeah, there are worse things
happening in the world, Hazel!
[Hazel screams]
Okay, you're off speakerphone,
and we do have the old cleats,
which will be fine for today.
- They suck so much.
- Yeah, they do suck.
We hate them worse than poison
but they'll do, right?
Come on, sweetie. Please.
All right, here's the plan.
I gotta go to the airport after drop off.
Um, will you go to the house
and grab the old ones?
- Um… [stammers]
- Mallory's gonna be there.
- Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
- Okay, great.
- Bye. Bye.
- Bye, Daddy. Shoo.
- [chuckles] Okay.
- [Paula] Love you, Hazel.
What is your fucking deal, Paula?
[sighs] I'm having
a really fucking bad morning, Karl.
Oh, you're having a tough start?
You're having a bad morning?
Yeah, I'm having a tough start.
- Do you wanna know what Hazel told me?
- Yeah.
She said she talked
to your little junkie boyfriend.
Yeah, she said he was really scary
and that… that he made her cry.
What the actual fuck, Paula?
What is wrong with you?
All right, look.
Mallory thinks
we should just settle custody in court
and my lawyer agrees, so…
I'm trying to be civil with you,
but you are making it very hard.
Do you understand that?
Paula? Say something.
I have to go.
- You have to g--
- [line disconnects]
[sniffles]
[exhales deeply]
[engine starts]
[cat meows]
[meows]
[meows]
[chuckling]
Come here, you little fart.
He lock you out again?
Come here.
- [purring]
- Aw, yeah.
What?
- [meows]
- Huh? Oh.
[meows]
[screaming]
- [groans, blows]
- [phone chimes]
[automated voice] New message from Karl.
[sighs]
- [inhales sharply]
- [phone chimes]
[automated voice] New message from Steve.
Who the fuck is Steve?
[automated voice] New message
from Suzie Work.
- Oh, my God. Fuck off.
- [phone ringing]
[automated voice]
Incoming call from Suzie Work.
- New message from Geri.
- [sucks teeth]
[automated voice] New message
from-- New message from Karl.
- Fuck off!
- New message from Steve.
New message from Karl.
New message from Suzie Work.
[doorbell rings]
- Hi, Paula.
- Hi, Mal.
Her cleats are in there. Come on in.
[door closes]
[Paula sighs]
[Mallory] Can I offer you anything?
No, no, I gotta… I gotta get to work.
[Mallory] Oh, come on.
I could make us tea.
[sighs]
[clicks tongue] Okay, yeah, sure.
Didn't think you'd say yes.
[Paula chuckles]
It's like a… It's a power move.
I'm gonna make you boil water
to prove I'm over any past ugliness.
- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- Are you?
- Uh, probably not. [chuckles]
But there's so many new aggravations
that I sometimes lose track
of where I stand on the old ones.
[sighs, chuckles]
[inhales sharply] Yeah. [exhales]
- Hey, is something going on?
- No. [chuckles]
No, no, it's nothing.
Uh, this lady, like, Karen'ed out on me
at the market
and I-I-I forgot my credit card
and I-I, like, held up the line,
and there was some shouting
and then I-I probably
could've handled it better,
but hopefully we don't go viral
or anything.
Like I said, it was… It's nothing.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Don't do that.
It's not nothing.
- Ugh, I-I hate that feeling.
- [chuckles]
Sometimes, like, if I've had too much wine
the night before,
I can get really foggy the next day,
like, forget my keys or my phone.
I mean, have you been drinking maybe?
Or is that why?
Like, you have a fun night
the night before?
No.
You know I had Hazel last night.
Oh. [stammers] Yes.
- Right.
- Sorry, I cut you off.
- So, was this Karen old or young?
- Yeah.
- I better get going.
- Wait, what, why?
Uh, 'cause I forgot how committed you are
to ruining my life.
[Mallory] Uh. [chuckles]
Paula, look, can we be civil?
What's happening now isn't anyone's fault.
[chuckles] Uh,
isn't it yours a little bit?
You think you're the victim.
Karl and I have a different POV.
You and Karl
are trying to take my daughter
- and move her to fucking Idaho.
- That's not…
So you can take your POV
and you can shove it right up your A-S-S.
- Paula. [stammers]
- Get your own daughter, Mal.
Like, let Karl crawl all over you
with his big sweaty chest bush
and grind away like he's trying
to dislodge a bag of Doritos
from a fucking vending machine,
but I gotta tell you,
a baby is gonna ruin that sweet little
biking bod you've got going on there.
You are gonna be exhausted
and you are gonna be boring
and you're gonna fucking reek
of diapers and breast milk.
And then who knows, maybe Karl dumps you
for a different coworker.
[kettle whistling]
She's my daughter, Mal.
You don't get to fuck up her life.
That's my job.
[kettle whistling]
[door closes]
All I need, is a cheeky little bit of…
[clears throat]
[sighs]
[blows raspberry]
[sucks teeth, sighs]
- [phone beeps]
- [Kyra] Hi, it's Kyra, Prem's mom.
Prem really wants to play goalie today,
but she has a piano recital soon
and we can't risk her hurting a finger.
[chuckles] If--
- [Rudy] You're so dead. [sighs]
- What?
Suzie's been looking for you.
- She's in a mood.
- What flavor?
Vanilla.
- You okay?
- Yeah, no, no, no, um…
[clicks tongue] Yeah, I cut… [stammers]
…cut myself on a tuna can.
Mmm, weird.
You're probably gonna get lockjaw.
It was packed in spring water.
I think I'm okay.
- Mmm, depends. Was it pole-caught?
- [Suzie] So?
Fix your car?
Uh… [stammers] Yeah… Yeah. Uh… Uh… Yes.
And I will, um,
get these pages to you by EOD.
[sighs] Not EOD, ASAP.
This has to go live in two hours.
[stammers] I know you have
responsibilities beyond this place,
but, candidly, I don't care about anything
- beyond this place.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, you asked me
for more responsibility…
[dialogue distorts]
[high-pitched ringing]
[normal] It requires commitment.
Commitment, yeah.
I mean, I'm a hundred percent committed.
I'm a hundred and five percent committed.
Yeah. [exhales]
["Combustion" playing]
Hi. Can you confirm that you did say, um,
that the senator wasn't there on the 4th?
[phone rings]
Hello… [speaks indistinctly] Uh-huh.
Okay, you did say that? All right.
[music continues]
[phone chimes]
Yeah. I got it. I'm almost done.
Sorry, uh, you have a visitor
in the conference room.
Uh…
[Gonzales] Thank you for seeing me.
You want some cashews?
- Uh-uh.
- No?
Okay.
So, I ran down those addresses
you gave me.
Guess what?
A sex worker was
found dead in one of them.
The responding officer sent a photo.
[sighs]
Sure looked like your guy.
I'm gonna give you one chance here.
If you've got anything to tell me,
you're gonna wanna tell me now.
Right now.
Uh…
I-I-I know. [sighs]
[Gonzales] You know…
I…
I was there.
I saw the body.
[sighs]
Holy shit. 5-0.
Oh. You think Paula's getting arrested
for dangling participles?
- [chuckles]
- Seriously. You think she did something?
I don't know. DUI, maybe? Loitering?
Kidnapping?
That's a bit much.
Dognapping?
Yeah, okay, that I could actually see.
- Yeah, she's, like, just sad enough.
- Yeah.
Like she sees a poodle
tied up outside a Starby's
and, you know, before she knows it,
she's got something to love.
[chuckles]
Yeah, I should've called the police.
I was going to, uh,
and then… and then I didn't.
And then when I didn't,
I couldn't and, uh--
[Gonzales] What possessed you to go there?
That was pretty reckless.
[Paula] He was harassing me.
He called my ex-husband.
Like, I have custody issues…
[stammers] …and Trevor knew about them.
He knew about everything
and he was gonna use it against me.
Okay?
And I-I didn't know what to do
and you guys weren't helping me at all.
You had to confront him.
To scare him.
I went there to tell him
to leave me alone.
He was threatening my kid.
Okay.
So, you arrive, you ring the bell,
kick down the door.
- What?
- The door was open, so I just walked in.
And then I found him.
He was dead.
He was in the bathtub.
Uh, it was 8:15.
What did you do next?
Aside from not immediately call 911?
I heard someone else come in,
so I ran and I hid in the closet.
And then I heard… [stammers] …a saw.
Like a power saw.
Was the body… [stammers] Uh…
A little.
- [sighs]
- Did you see this person?
Old? Young? Anything will help.
No, I didn't see them.
[smacks lips] I, uh, except… [stammers]
This is weird.
They were wearing Trevor's boots.
Uh, with two different colored laces.
Well, maybe he knew Trevor, or maybe…
he forgot his murder booties
and used the dead man's shoes instead.
[sighs]
So, you find a dead body,
you think a killer is still in the house,
you get away,
you're safe,
then you skip off to work?
All la-di-da?
I mean, you have to admit that's strange.
Why not call 911?
You know, she did
weirdly mention porn the other day.
Mmm, she's not a pornographer.
Even if she was, pornography's legal.
- It's free speech.
- Good point.
Unless it involves minors.
- That's gross.
- Bestiality. Also illegal.
- And we're back to the dog thing.
- Uh…
Ooh, what if it's an underage dog?
That'd be really bad.
[Gonzales] You were scared.
I'll bet.
- You must have been terrified.
- [inhales shakily]
I was, but not just of the guy.
I-I kept thinking about my kid
and how my ex-husband would use this
to show that I was unfit.
If he knew that I was tangled up
with a cam boy
or at the scene of a murder,
I would…
I would lose everything.
I just… I panicked.
[sighs] Your ex sounds like a real jerk.
Not always, but yeah.
Lately, yeah.
Marriage is a marathon.
Sometimes you puke.
[tense music playing]
Hi. What was that all about?
Oh, uh, nothing.
I just got scammed online.
Oh. Shit. Sorry.
Credit card?
No, uh, I met a guy.
Uh, he seemed nice,
and then he scammed me.
Ooh, that sucks, yeah.
Dating sites can be brutal.
Mmm. Which one do you use?
The one where you have
to show photos of your graduate degree,
or the one where you have
to show photos of your butthole?
Those are just the two basic prototypes.
It wasn't a dating site.
He was a cam boy.
He was a "cam-man."
He was an age-appropriate cammer.
Jesus… [sobs] …this is so embarrassing.
- It's not. It's amazing actually.
- It's the best thing
that ever happened to me. Continue.
[sighs] No, I just… I…
I thought he really liked me
and, uh, I opened up to him,
and then he totally scammed me.
- Sorry, Paula.
- [coworker] Mm-hmm.
No, I just keep thinking, like…
[stammers] …I should have known.
Like, I have been with a gold-medal
succession of jerks in my life
and… and, like, Karl was the first
genuinely good guy I ever even met.
And-And we were happy, you know?
Like, we-we got married,
and we moved to Portland.
And I got this job
at a little local paper.
Like, they gave me a Diners Club card,
which, like, nobody even accepts Diners',
but I had it.
I was in the club.
And then we had a baby and then…
and then regular bickering just turned
into, like, real fights about real things,
and the genuinely good guy turned out
to be, like, the biggest jerk of all.
And now I get scammed by cam boys,
and you guys think I'm a super freak.
[somber music playing]
- [mouthing] Get here.
- [whispering] Hug her?
- [Paula chuckles]
- [Rudy chuckles]
[inhales deeply, groans]
Okay, now you guys tell me
your most humiliating sex stories, right?
- [chuckles] Okay, uh…
- Oh, no. [chuckles]
I used to pleasure myself to Scooby-Doo.
[Rudy clears throat]
[upbeat music playing]
[Paula] Hi. I'm just…
Hi, I'm Paula. I'm the new coach. Whoops.
- Here, let me help you with that.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Doughnuts for soccer practice, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, everybody loves doughnuts.
They are sweet, they're moist--
They're America's fruit?
- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- Uh, I'm Steve.
- Oh, hi.
- Uh, with the… [laughs]
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right.
Oh, my God. I'm Paula.
I totally, um, did not text you back.
No, no. It's okay. I, uh, over-texted.
- It's just kids' soccer practice, right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
My ex told me I need to be more chill, so…
- Be more chill?
- [scoffs] Yeah.
- Wow. I think you dodged a bullet.
- Mom! Mom.
[Steve] I should've never brought her up.
Where are my cleats?
- Your cleats?
- Cleats.
Ow. Ow!
Mom, I hate these.
Okay. Okay.
Do you think maybe there's something else
that's bugging you, sweetie?
No. [sighs]
[groans] Chloe.
She gave everybody cherry lip balm but me.
Oof.
It's not nice
to make someone feel left out, is it?
- No.
- No. I'm sorry that happened.
Yeah.
Hey, you know…
on the night you were born,
right before you slid out of me--
Ew.
[clicks tongue] Yeah, it was kinda "ew."
But, right before that,
there was a storm.
Wind was howling
and hail was smashing the windows.
And right at the craziest,
most intense part…
- What?
- You came out.
[chuckles, sniffles]
You weren't like,
[groans] "That sounds scary.
I'm gonna stay safe inside."
You were like, "That sounds awesome.
I wanna see what that is."
And that's when I knew.
I knew that you were gonna
be brave and adventurous,
so forget about these lip-balm girls.
'Cause what do I always tell you, Hazel?
[chuckles, inhales sharply]
"Brush your teeth."
Yes, but you are a badass.
- [chuckles]
- You're a badass.
You know that, right?
"You're a bad ass."
"YABA"? Wow.
That is totally inappropriate.
[sighs] And I freakin' love it.
[chuckles]
Okay, get out there, badass.
- I love you, Mommy.
- I love you too.
[Hazel] Thank you.
YABA!
- [Hazel] YABA.
- YABA!
[Steve] Oh, oh, oh, yeah!
- Whoa!
- [whistle blows]
[all] One, two, three… Go, Owls!
[hooting]
- Great job, Coach.
- [Paula] Hey, thanks.
All right, Hazelnut. Go get your stuff.
[Hazel] Okay.
[knocks on door]
[chuckles] Uh, I-I… [clears throat]
I had something that I would love
for you to read, if you had a sec.
Feeling a tad under the gun here.
Right, uh, I sh… I should leave. Yeah.
Just… be still.
It's not shit.
Uh, yay.
Yes, "yay." Yes.
"It's not shit" is as good as it gets.
But it doesn't grab me,
which, if you are an absolute,
utter no one, which, no offense--
No, I'm-I'm aware I'm-I'm garbage.
You need to overwhelm my central nervous
system like some rare tropical disease.
We just need something juicier.
[Trevor] Your body is amazing.
You know how fast I can get you off?
- [cam actor 2 sighs]
- [Trevor chuckles]
I've never been there.
I hear it's, uh, beautiful.
Are you gonna cum for me, Barbara?
Oh, you're so hot. You like that?
You like that?
You like watching me touch myself?
Come on, piggy. Roll around in the mud.
Crawl for it, little pig.
Come on, piggy. Roll around in the mud.
I wanna lick you all over.
That's great. I'm so proud of you, Donna.
…cum for me, Barbara?
I wanna lick you all over.
Show me how your touch yourself.
Does your girlfriend know about me?
Did you tell her what we do?
Show me how your touch yourself.
Oh, I love that movie.
[groans] Fuck,
I'm gonna make you feel so good.
[detective] G, come get dinner with me.
Nope.
Come on.
We'll get those spicy wings you like.
It'll be fun.
I think I'll solve a murder instead.
It's fun too. You should try it some time.
What aren't you telling me, Paula?
[car door closes]
[upbeat music playing]
[music continues]
[Paula growls] That was very good.
I know.
[Trevor's partner] Hello, Hazel.
["Into the Depths" playing]