My Three Sons (1960) s01e02 Episode Script

1
(theme music plays)
(door closing)
Ugh, I phoned that plumber at 8:00 this morning.
He's not here yet.
How are you gonna wash the dishes without water?
How can you clean your hands
without water? (Kids arguing, laughing)
How can you do anything without water?
Now, come on, fellas, break it up.
Break it up, will you, fellas?
Fellas, listen to me, will you?
Break it up, will you?
Look what you're doing to your clothes.
Well, these are just rags for Chip's rag drive.
(laughing) Hey!
Now, get out of here, and stay out!
No fair! Hey, come on, get back here.
Why, you cheater!
Get out.
You two, get out of here and stay out.
Hey, quit horsing around,
you block headed, knuckle-eared,
stubble-footed monkeys.
Hi, Miss Pitts.
Good afternoon, Chip.
Got any old rags?
Rags?
Yeah, you know, old towels, dresses, stockings,
anything you want to throw away.
Goodness me.
Well, let's see what you've got here.
Yes, you certainly are collecting rags.
Does your grandfather know you're doing this?
Sure. He thinks it's a great idea.
BUB: Put him in the long boat till he's sober ♪
Put him in the long boat till he's sober ♪
Hi, Chip! How's the rag business?
Swell, Bub.
Betcha I got another five pounds.
Good remember, every ounce helps.
(bird chirping)
Is your father home yet?
Nope, just Bub.
I see.
Well, as for rags, I don't have much.
I got rid of so many things when I moved
But I may get a few old things for you.
Could you come back in 15 or 20 minutes?
Sure, Mrs. Pitts. Thanks a lot.
Miss Pitts.
Just ring the bell,
and I'll have it waiting or you.
Okay, Miss Pitts, I'll be back.
WOMAN: Chip.
Chip!
Hey, Bub, look what I got!
(sighs)
Well, I guess I'll just have
to take these over later.
Oh, he'll be back in a few minutes
for some of mine, Mrs. Sailor.
Let me give him yours.
Oh, well, thank you.
Just wrings my heart.
A poor motherless little boy collecting rags
to get a little spending money.
Oh, heavens, Cynthia,
he isn't doing this for spending money.
It's the annual PTA rag drive.
All the children are out collecting.
Oh, I see.
All the same, it's a sad thing
for those boys to be without a mother.
How I'd like to get
at that little Chip with a washcloth.
Oh, don't you worry.
Their grandfather will have them
all shining clean by dinnertime.
Hmph Bub.
I certainly have my doubts about him.
(sniffs) Till he's sober ♪
Put him in the long boat till he's sober ♪
Early in the morning ♪
Look what I got, Bub.
What do you got?
Oh, what a load of rags,
and boy, boy, boy, look at that face.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
But you got an excuse this time.
There's not a drop of water in the house.
I can't do the dishes, I can't cook dinner,
and I've been waiting for that plumber all day long.
Chip, give me a little help here
with these coveralls, will you?
Give them a tug there.
Pull (grunts)
Think I have 40 pounds yet?
Well, it's hard to tell
without weighing them.
'Cause anyone who brings in 40 pounds
gets a free pass to the Rialto.
Now, don't you worry about that.
We'll have 40 pounds before Monday.
Here, throw these in.
There must be a couple of pounds
of paint on them. (Sniffs)
Gee, thanks, Bub. You're welcome.
My desk finished yet?
Yes, and I could've been through quicker,
only I ran out of thinner.
How am I going to weigh them?
Weigh them?
Well, wait a minute now.
There might be a pillow slip in there
you can stuff them into let's look.
A pillow slip won't hold them all.
I've got an idea here.
Take my coveralls, we'll stuff them in here.
Yeah, they're nice and baggy.
Boy, I'll say, plenty of room.
Uh-huh.
I'll go and see what Mike and Robbie have for you.
(muttering indistinctly)
(bell rings)
"Shining clean by dinnertime." (doorbell chimes)
(sardonic chuckle)
Hi, you got them ready yet?
BUB: Robbie, Mike, you have me so dizzy,
I'm seeing double.
You two guys are enough to drive a man to drink.
Come in, Chip.
Now, you sit right over here
while I sort things out.
(grunts)
Is something wrong over at your house?
No, just that Bub isn't able
to wash the dishes or get dinner.
Oh?
And what time do you expect your father home?
Not till after 6:00.
I see.
Chip, how would you like some
nice, fresh, homemade cookies?
(cans clattering)
Gee!
Oh! Oh, pardon me.
Man!
Oh, that scared me.
Me, too, what is it?
Oh, it's Chip's rags.
Hey! Pretty clever.
Yeah. Come on, come on, buddy!
Hit me right here!
Come on, come on.
Knock it off.
Hey, look wait a minute.
Hey, hey, it's got a head. Yeah.
You know what, Mike,
that kind of looks like Bub.
Yeah, it does.
Hey, uh, give me your rags,
and we'll stuff the arms. Okay, okay.
Here.
May I have this dance, madam?
Look on the look on the bench
and see if we have an old pair
of gloves or something over there.
Hey, I got a
some old pair of shoes and a cap.
Hold this, will you? Yeah.
These sure are good cookies, Miss Pitts.
Eat all you want, dear.
And be sure to drink your milk.
If I eat all these,
I won't have much appetite for dinner.
But you told me
that is, I understood you to say
your grandfather couldn't cook dinner tonight.
He'll manage all right, as soon as he gets
some good, fresh water.
Well, I guess I'd better go home
and see what's happening.
No, no, it's better you don't see.
What I mean is
I have some fresh strawberries
and ice cream for your dessert.
Now, you just sit right down here again.
(takes deep breath)
And there they were,
carrying their grandfather into the house.
It's only too obvious that he's
Oh, Cynthia, really.
Well, I have to believe my own eyes.
One thing I'm sure of,
there's no proper supervision over there
until their father gets home.
I wish you'd go inquire.
But I haven't seen anything.
I'd inquire myself if I knew them better.
You know, I think you should,
and find out just how mistaken you are.
Well, Chip, at least, is getting proper care.
(sighs)
Now hold that.
You got it?
Wait, hold this again. I can get this.
Ah, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
Yeah, that's it.
You got it?
(grunting)
What does he weigh?
Five pounds that's weird.
No, this will never work.
We can't weigh him with you holding him up.
Well, let's put him in a box and weigh him.
Then we weigh the box separately
and subtract the difference.
How's that again?
Simple algebra.
X plus Y minus Y equals X.
Sir Isaac Newton!
All right, let's get a box.
(laughs)
(door buzzer sounds)
Am I the only one
that ever hears the doorbell around here?
But we need a box.
"But we need a box"!
This the place that wants a plumber?
Yeah, we we've been needing one since noon.
You must've come by oxcart.
No, I brought my truck.
Come in, come in.
I've shut the water off
out in front of the house there.
The leak's upstairs in the bathroom,
second door to your right, at the top of the stairs.
I can't even cook my dinner until I get some water.
You're the cook here?
Yeah, and you're the plumber.
Second door from the top of the stairs.
I'll look the situation over,
see what tools I need.
Five cents a step.
Oh, excuse me.
Just the plumber.
I'll be back when you're through.
Find the leak?
Someone in the bathroom,
so I figured I'd get some tools
while I'm waiting.
Well, that's a good idea; Just take your time.
If you give those pipes time enough,
they might heal themselves.
Well, you never know what you'll need.
Like the job I had yesterday over on Elm Street.
Big apartment, old pipes, lots of rust.
Owned by a fella name of, uh
Uh, name of, uh
Well, I can't seem to recollect the fella's name.
Well, maybe if you had a pipe wrench
in your hand, it'd help you remember.
Yeah, yeah.
Bring the scales.
It'll be easier to weight him out here.
Yeah, I got the scales right here.
Well, just put him on.
We'll have to move the box this way a little bit.
Wonderful, Sir Isaac Newton.
You can't even see the scale!
Yeah.
You know, what we need is
is one of those scales
that you hang him on, like this.
Spring scale.
Mr. Pearson has one of those things.
Well, let's take him next door and weigh him.
Come on.
Alley-oop.
MIKE: You got him? ROBBIE: No.
Okay, okay.
(humming)
Hey, what?
I'm first.
Thanks for stepping on my toe. (Laughs)
Hey, you fellas seen Chip around anywhere?
Nope. Well, run around the corner
and see if you can find him, will you?
We're gonna take Chip's rags
over to the Pearsons' to get weighed.
Well, weigh 'em later.
It's getting pretty late,
and he ought to be home by now. All right.
What are we gonna do with him?
Let's put him in here.
(grunts) The bush.
Alley-oop!
MIKE: Check the Pearsons first.
(tool clanging)
(tool clinking)
(metallic clinking)
Well, here we are.
Here we are.
You sure are a good neighbor, Miss Pitts,
but I ought to take your old rags and go home now.
No hurry.
Your father isn't home yet.
I've been watching.
(gasps) What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing unusual.
You just sit here and drink your lemonade.
Oh, Chip?
Oh, Chip!
Chip!
Oh, Chip!
Chip?
Oh, Chip!
I thought his name was Duncan.
Imagine me forgetting a simple name like that.
I got to go turn the water on out front,
see if we got it fixed.
Be back in a minute.
Oh, Chip!
Can't imagine where he could be at this time of day.
Maybe he's upstairs in his room asleep.
Come on, pal.
We'll take you up there.
All right.
(horn honking)
(sighs) Now where do you suppose that kid's run off to?
I'm glad you finally got around to fixing that, Mr. Reems.
It's been leaking for two days now.
I said, it's been leaking for two days.
Look. Dad he's talking to our dummy.
(laughs)
Hey, let's rough up the dummy.
It'll give Dad the shock of his life. Yeah.
(screaming and whooping)
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
That is the plumber.
Now, cut it out!
Robbie, what, you go crazy or something?
Let go! What are you doing?
Are-are you all right, Mr. Reems?
Huh?
Thanks an awful lot, Miss Pitts,
but I really got to go now.
All right, Chip.
Here you are.
I just heard a car drive in.
I think it may be your father.
No, no, Chip, you mustn't go yet.
Come on, go and sit down.
You know, I just remembered,
I have most of an angel food cake in the cupboard.
Cynthia, you don't happen to have
an extra cup of sugar, do you?
Ooh! Come on over in the house.
I don't know why I forgot it today, but I
It's been awfully quiet over there.
I can only imagine what's happening.
I think you've been imagining too much already.
I have half a mind to call the authorities.
Well, now, look, Cynthia,
before you do anything that foolish,
I think you ought to go over there
and talk to them yourself.
A woman wouldn't be safe.
Oh, come on, Cynthia.
That's ridiculous.
Well, I've known these people
for the last ten years.
Well, maybe I'll telephone.
I really shouldn't leave Chip right now anyway.
At least he's safe.
Hope you understand what I mean, Mr. Reems.
It-it was all a mistake.
The-the boys thought you were a dummy. A dummy.
Well, I-I don't mean a dummy exactly.
They-they just thought
you were a bunch of dirty old rags.
I mean, uh, are you all right now?
Yeah, feel just fine now.
Just fine.
$32.75.
Not bad for a dummy.
Thank you very much, Mrs. Potter.
Mike? Robbie?
I sent them out in the station wagon to look for Chip.
Oh, uh, good. I'll, uh, just keep on phoning.
(hiccups)
What's the matter, you getting nervous?
No, I just happen to have the hiccups, that's all.
We'll find him in a (hiccups) minute.
Poor little waif.
(tuts)
Well I'll try to phone again.
You haven't seen him?
Well
Oh, no, no, we're not really (hiccups)
Worried about him.
No, no. Thanks, Mrs. Perkins.
No, no, we're not really
(hiccups) worried about him.
We just got nervous indigestion.
Hello, Irene? Uh, Steve Douglas.
(hiccups) Here, Steve, drink this.
It'll make you feel better. Oh, uh, thanks, Bub.
Irene, I-I I know there's really no reason
why you should know where he is,
but have you by any chance seen Chip?
Chip? Why, yes, Steve, I (Steve hiccups)
Well, that is, I haven't seen him,
but I think I know where he is.
Oh, good, Irene. We've been sort of
(hiccups) going around in
circles over here. Where is he?
Well, I think he's at (Steve hiccups)
BUB: Come on, Steve, bottoms up!
I-I tell you what, Steve.
Why don't you let me find out if he's still there,
and if he is, I'll send him right home, okay?
Bye.
(Steve hiccups)
(hiccups)
CHIP: Where are my rags?!
So you finally got hungry enough
to come home to dinner, huh?
Dinner! Are you kidding?
Who swiped my rags?
Nobody. They're up in your room.
Now, never mind them now.
Get washed. You have to eat.
Chip, where have you been? Hi, Dad.
Now, just a minute, young man. I want to talk to you.
(hiccups) Do you realize it's almost 8:00?
I've been calling everybody in the neighborhood
trying to find out where you are.
Hey, that's swell!
Look, somebody made Bub out of my rags!
You know, Chip, it's a little embarrassing
It does look like him, doesn't it?
It's a little embarrassing having
to ask other people where my own children are.
Gosh, I bet he weighs almost 50 pounds.
Yeah. Well, you put that down, and listen to me now.
Chip, do you realize you're
almost two hours late for dinner?
Now, Chip, will you stop that?
Come on, cut it out. Now, sit down here.
Don't you know that we all worry
about you when you're this late?
Mike and Robbie are out
Jeepers, Dad, she's coming to get me!
Who's coming to get you?
(crickets chirping)
Oh, that's that Miss Pitts that moved in across the street.
She probably just making a neighborly call.
We'd better go.
Come on, get a clean shirt on.
We'll talk about this later on.
CHIP: Look out, Dad, he's falling!
STEVE: Come on, go on, don't just sit there.
She's fainted. Help her up or something.
(car horn honking)
How much does it weigh, Robbie? 42 pounds, Chip.
Boy, I'll get my free pass!
Okay, take him out of here now, will you, fellas?
BUB: I've, uh, prepared some of our special brew for you,
Miss Pitts.
I hope you'll enjoy it.
Oh, tea!
Yes. Yes, ma'am. Yes.
Thank you, Bub.
You take sugar or cream?
One lump. Uh, one teaspoon.
I don't know how you'll ever forgive us
for giving you such a shock, Miss Pitts.
Boy, you gave me so much lemonade,
I could hardly walk.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, Chip!
I hope you won't regret moving into our neighborhood.
No There we are.
Mr. Douglas, I won't regret it.
In fact, I'm going to like it here.
Gee, I don't know.
We're a pretty wild bunch.
Not according to Irene Sailor.
She's been telling me what wonderful people you are.
She has? Well, that's very nice of her.
Uh Thanks, Bub. You're welcome.
Well, at least everything's cleared up.
I beg your pardon.
What do you mean?
Oh, uh I mean
there's nothing more to worry about.
If you ask me, one of us ought to get over there
and make sure Cynthia is able to get home,
because the last time I saw her, she was
Well, you're just gonna have to take my word for it,
because I never would have believed ♪♪