No Good Nick (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
The Pig in a Poke
Don't worry about Sam and Dorothy.
I can put them off as long as I need to.
Great.
You don't think they know our real play here, do you? Trust me.
They have no idea this isn't a random family.
Good.
The Thompsons wronged us, and we're gonna make it right.
Well, I better go.
I don't want them to get suspicious.
Stay safe, kiddo.
[LAUGHS.]
You stay safe, too.
Oh, and don't take any unnecessary risks.
I know, I know.
And remember, I love you, Nicky.
I love you too, Dad.
One more thing I wanna talk to you about.
Look, you know I'm real proud of you, kiddo, but don't get greedy.
You'll need the Harbaughs for this to work.
I'm not here to make the Harbaughs rich.
No, of course, we're gonna keep all the big scores, but don't worry about splitting up small potatoes with Sam and Dorothy to keep 'em happy.
Got it.
Big scores for us, au gratins for the old rottens.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, hold on, Nicky, there's something else.
It's, uh It's this thing I got going on in here.
How much do you need? Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars? I know, I know, it's a lot, but I have an opportunity to double it, and that'll just put us one step closer to solving all our problems.
When do you need it by? Oh, end of the week? Okay.
I'm on it.
Great.
Oh, hey.
And don't forget.
It's time to get your teeth cleaned.
Ask your dentist to check your left molar for that micro-cavity.
And remember, the bubblegum fluoride sounds delicious, but it makes you gag.
Okay, I get it, Dad.
I gotta go.
Wrap it up, Franzelli.
Puke don't clean itself.
All right, well, look, I'll let you go, but one last thing.
Look, don't get too attached to this family.
Okay? You're not there to make friends.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, new friend! How do you like your popcorn, caramel or Asiago cheese? Oh, don't worry.
It's non-GMO.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
You're telling me that instead of my gourmet Italian cuisine, people prefer dumpster trash.
Great, thanks.
That was my accountant.
Business is off 9% last month.
So, listen up, people.
I need all hands on deck to help me brainstorm ideas for bringing in new customers.
Ooh, I know! How about a Taco Tuesday? Dad, cultural appropriation much? You don't get to say those words if you aren't Latino.
Not even "Tuesday"? No one helps me round here.
I'm trying to run a business and raise a family.
No one even acknowledges how hard I work.
Oh, hey! Good morning, Nick.
Have a seat.
Have a frittata.
Wow.
This looks amazing.
This must've been a ton of work.
See? Is that so hard? A little appreciation for what I do.
It's really good, Mom.
No one likes a suck-up.
Well, Nick, I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to chat with everyone.
Since someone destroyed all my good China last night Mom, you're not allowed to say that word unless you're Asian.
Now that you're living in this house, along with benefits, come the responsibilities.
Okay, sounds fair.
And to that end, by the power vested in me as lead parent Wait.
What? I declare this chore market open.
You're opening the chore market? That's right.
But the chore market hasn't been open since 2017.
When Molly broke her leg.
- Protesting SeaWorld.
- When baby orca Kyara died.
Hey, she is eating seals in whale heaven now.
Which is also seal hell, I guess.
Okay, so what the heck are you guys talking about? The chore market is a live auction.
The children of this household bid on chores in return for allowance, except, here's the twist, lowest bid wins.
Allowance, as in money? Yeah.
Now that we find ourselves with three children, it's time to divide up the chores again.
It's pretty simple, really.
You'll catch on.
Auction starts Friday after breakfast.
Okay, cool.
You guys know you're weird, right? Everybody out.
Jeremy needs the room.
You know, you can just text me.
You don't have to send a private escort.
- Thanks, Jim.
- You got it, boss.
You're probably wondering why I asked you to join me here today at the student council room.
You wanna talk about the chore market? Well, yeah, that that's right.
Uh Mom totally played us back in '17.
I got stuck taking out the garbage and ten different kinds of recycling.
And I have to clean the kitchen every time Mom destroys it with her explosioni di formaggio.
I need to use a chisel to get the cheese off the oven.
Exactly.
And are we fairly compensated? Are we getting market rates? We are doing nine major chores apiece for peanuts.
So what do you wanna do about it? I'm glad you asked.
Nick doesn't know that Mom always puts the harder chores first.
So if we [CLEARS THROAT.]
work together, we can make sure that Nick gets all the bad chores.
Then, when she has a full load and stops bidding, we swoop in, grab all the easy stuff, and still get the same allowance.
So you're saying you wanna collude to screw over Nick.
[CHUCKLES.]
No-one's saying "collude.
" Uh Secretly work together for our mutual benefit.
That's literally the definition of "collude.
" Okay, call it whatever you want.
But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for us to dump our crappy jobs on the newbie.
That's not fair to Nick.
You know what's not fair? Little bunnies getting tortured by cosmetics companies because you're too busy cleaning the kitchen, when you could be out there spreading your message of love and cruelty-free mascara.
Fine, I'll collude with you.
- Work together.
- Jimbo! [MOLLY SIGHS.]
We're done here.
I haven't figured out how to get money, Dad, but I'm working on an angle right now.
I can I don't care how big the rebate is, I don't need solar panels.
How's it going out here? Good, but I can't find the salt and pepper shakers.
Oh, that's because all of my dishes are already perfectly seasoned.
Then I'm done.
Question about the puttanesca, boss.
You sure you want this anchovy paste? Pretty sure.
What's the problem? In my experience, anchovy can overpower the sauce I'm sorry, are you mansplaining my own recipe to me? - No, I just thought - Don't think, just cook.
Wow.
Rude.
Oh, relax, he'll be fine.
No, I mean him.
I can't believe he tried to tell you your recipe was wrong.
Oh, yeah, well, I guess I'm used to it.
That's something I don't get about being a chef.
You seem like you're at the top of your game, you have this amazing restaurant with unbelievable food So why do the male chefs get all the attention? Oh, please, don't get me started.
It's like at my old school, the boys' basketball team practiced on a brand new court.
But they made the girls' team practice in the parking lot.
It wasn't even empty.
People got hurt.
At least you had a girls' team.
In my high school, the only girls' sport was watching boys' basketball.
I know, right? As women, we should be treated the same as anyone.
It's not fair.
Oh, well, let me tell you something.
Life is not fair.
When I was coming up in culinary school, things were way worse than now.
Women must cook twice as good for half the money.
And I still can't get on Top Chef.
Oh, my God! You would be amazing on that show.
I know, right? I've applied three years in a row.
But this year, I got an audition.
It's not for a few months, but I just know if I could get on, I could win it! I could maybe raise my profile, take the restaurant national.
Whoa.
[BOTTLES CLATTER.]
Don't worry about it.
You're carrying $5,000 worth of wine.
Bump into whatever you want.
[BOTTLES CLATTER.]
- Shut up.
They don't cost that much? - Does this look like an Olive Garden? We've got bottles worth $400, $500, some even more.
Hey, I know you were looking for an idea to drum up business.
What about a wine tasting? Sweetie, good idea, but this is a restaurant, not a wine bar.
Exactly.
That's why the wine tasting is an event.
It's new and different, but more importantly, it's one night only, so everyone will have a fear of missing out.
FOMO! Of course, the wine is just the way in to get people to discover your cooking.
Think about it.
You expose new customers to great wines and carefully curated foods that you pair yourself, and then they become regular customers.
Maybe.
Imagine the restaurant is so busy it's, like, impossible to get a reservation.
I bet the Top Chef people would want you then.
You know what? Why not? I do like the idea of choosing the menu for everyone.
People love getting told what to do.
I could start with an eggplant rollatini, stuffed with goat cheese and sun-dried tomatoes.
- That sounds amazing.
- Oh! I could pair a risotto with a Costa Nord wine.
- No one would expect that! - [LAUGHS.]
Love it! [PHONE BEEPS.]
Yo, Dorothy, it's me.
I need a fence.
[DOROTHY.]
No problem, I got a guy.
Anything you can steal, he can move.
So, what are we fencing? We're getting into the wine business.
Oh, hey.
Big news, we're doing a wine tasting at Liz's restaurant.
So? So I was thinking, you're, like, really good at social media, right? 11,009 followers can't be wrong.
Whoa, that's amazing.
It's a lot of work, but If you wanna change the world, - you have to make your voice count.
- Totally.
So I was thinking, your mom could really use a boost.
I would do it myself, but, you know, I don't have social media.
Can you promote the wine tasting? Tell your followers to tell their parents? I totally would, but it's kind of off-brand for me.
I only promote important issues, like the environment, social inequality, and, oh, cats that think they're people.
Hey, I know I'm just the new guy here, but it seems like your mom really does a lot for you guys.
I'm sure the glaciers need your help, but so does your mom.
I guess I could do a blast about the event.
Anything for my roomie.
Oh, my God, you're the best! [BOTH GIGGLE.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh.
Hey, you ready for the chore market? I don't know.
It seems super complicated.
You'll get the hang of it.
Just follow my lead and you'll do great.
Oh, thank you.
That would be amazing.
I was worried I was gonna totally mess it up.
Wow.
I almost feel bad for her.
Alexa, play Jeremy's Collusion Mix Three.
What do you think? Swordfish carpaccio, or we could go fusion with an otoro? [SIGHS.]
Am I boring you? No, I wasn't even listening.
Maybe we can reevaluate the whole chore market thing.
[SCOFFS.]
Not this again.
Jeremy and Molly didn't talk for a month after the last one.
How do you propose we give Nick some chores? Assign them ourselves, alphabetical.
I'll put names on a list and draw them out of a hat.
Literally any other method than competitive bidding.
What does that teach them? To kowtow to authority? Life is random? It's just [SIGHS.]
The auction unnecessarily pits the kids against each other, which is not, in my opinion, conducive to a warm and loving family.
This is about ownership of responsibility.
It will prepare them for the real world.
If we assign the chores, they don't internalize the responsibility.
This way, they choose, both the responsibility and the reward that goes with it.
It's up to them.
You literally said "responsibility" three times.
They're kids! Treating them like adults is how they become adults.
Yeah, adults who hate their parents.
Why is it you get to unilaterally decide what's best for our kids? You're the one that assigned me the job of being the brains of this family, which means I have to make hard decisions while you get to be fun dad all the time.
The kids think I'm fun? Did they say that specifically? I can't believe this, the restaurant is totally booked for tonight.
People are calling to ask if there's another wine tasting next weekend.
Wow, that's great.
Word must have spread somehow.
Thank you, Molly.
Just trying to pitch in.
You're gonna be there, right, Ed? I wasn't planning on it.
Really? You don't think it's important to show your support for Liz? When you say it that way, uh Since I'm not working that hard at the office, I could get off early and come by.
What a great idea.
[LIZ.]
Come on! It's time.
This chore market is now open.
Bidders, take your paddles.
Sorry, short notice.
Okay, Nick, here's how it works.
You pick the chore you'd like to do and how much you'll do it for.
Low bidder gets the chore.
Got it? Great.
All right, first up is taking out the trash.
Do I hear $10? I guess I can keep doing it.
Ten.
- Ten dollars.
Do I have nine? - Nine.
Nine.
Take out trash, make a lot of cash.
Can I get eight? - I'll do it for $8.
- Eight.
Do I have seven? No more bidders? Seven, seven, seven, no? Eight dollars taking out the trash.
Going once, going twice - [CRACK.]
- Sold to Nick for $8.
Next up is cleaning the kitchen.
- Ten dollars.
- Ten.
Who wants to clean the kitchen? Make it sparkle, make it shine.
- I've got ten, do I hear nine? - Nine.
- Nine dollars.
- Eight dollars.
- Seven! - Seven, seven, seven! Can I get a six? Who wants to put six into the mix? Seven dollars, going once, going twice.
Sold to Nick for $7.
Next chore up for bid is laundry duty.
Wash and fold, never gets old.
Ten dollars! Nick with the clean sweep so far.
And speaking of sweeping, next up is watering the plants.
Ten dollars! You don't have to bid on everything.
You've got a lot.
Yeah, Nick, it's not fair to you.
I mean, we wanna do our share.
It's fine.
I don't mind.
- Nine dollars.
- Eight.
- Seven.
- Seven dollars, seven dollars.
- Do I hear six? Watering the plants? - One dollar! Hey, bold move.
- Sold to Nick for $1.
- Can we pause? Yeah, I don't think Nick understands how this works.
Oh, yeah, I think she understands just fine.
No, it's just that in foster care I had to do all this stuff for free, so any allowance is kind of like a bonus.
- One dollar! - Sold.
[CRACK.]
And with that, I declare this chore market closed.
But we didn't get any chores.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
Nick got 'em all.
Hey, uh, I think that maybe since you're new, you didn't understand that, uh, Molly and I need to do some chores, or else we don't get any allowance.
How about we take a few off your hands? - Like I could do watering the plants.
- I'd be happy to take bringing the mail.
Responsibility.
Chore-pocalypse.
Wow, yeah, that is super generous of you.
Listen, I wanna be fair, so how about this? I sell the chores I don't want back to you.
How about you take out the trash for $5? But you're getting eight.
That's my finder's fee.
You played us.
I mean, come on, guys, I've never heard of a chore market, but I have played Monopoly before.
Alexa play Jeremy's You Got Owned Mix.
Don't be nervous.
They're gonna love everything.
Maybe I should've gone with Salmoiraghi.
It's more traditional.
- Don't even sweat it.
You got this.
- [SIGHS.]
I have your wine pairing menu and I'll hang out in the wine storage room and get the bottles ready for each course.
Thanks, Nick.
You're a lifesaver.
I really appreciate all your help.
Hey, don't mention it.
That's what I'm here for.
And look who else is here to help.
- What are you doing here? - I came for moral support.
You left work early just to come help me? I know we disagreed about how to handle the chores, but at the end of the day, we're in this together.
Aww! Hey, now that Ed's here, he can help me, and you can focus on cooking.
You won't have to go in the wine storage room at all.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Do you think I should've gone with the Salmoiraghi? Always trust your first instinct, like when you married me.
[WHISPERS.]
Thank you.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[GASPS.]
Five hundred dollars? [CHUCKLES.]
- [BOTTLES CLINKING.]
- Liz needs another Costa Nord.
Uh fine choice.
Ah.
Misty in here.
Uh, it's the, uh humidity control for the wine.
Ah.
Liz needs a Vinietto Ricardo.
- Your wish is my command.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You have been here all night Want me to take over? No, I'm good.
- At least take a break.
- No, honestly, I'm fine.
Then you know what? I'm just gonna stay here and help.
Cool Cool, cool, cool.
Uh yeah, let me get this out of your way.
- [ED.]
Ow! - Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah! I'm good.
[ED GROANS.]
Go put ice on that.
I'll keep holding down the fort.
That's a good idea.
All right.
Carry on.
Sorry about your foot! - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I thought you were supposed to be in the kitchen.
Ed says his foot hurts.
I need another Vinietto Ricardo.
No problem.
Ah.
[GASPS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wait.
Uh, maybe the eggplant would go better with that bottle instead.
Well, yeah, we can't really change the wine in the middle of the event.
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
Oh, okay, we're we're doing this.
Sorry, I'm just so proud of you.
Listen this whole thing is gonna take some time, e but we're here for each other, right? [EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Right.
Right on time.
The juice better be worth the squeeze on this scam.
I was planning on fixing a bingo game tonight.
Oh, give it a rest, Sam.
So what do ya got? Only about $5,000 worth of high-end wine.
So what did we agree on? A 70-30 split? Good one.
Anything I steal and you sell, is 50-50.
Oh, right.
Just checking.
So, how did you steal a case of wine without them knowing? Simple.
I switched it out with the cheap bottles from the Discount Wine Barn.
But doesn't everyone know they're drinking the cheap stuff? Oh, the bouquet is exquisite.
Notes of apricot and blackberry.
You can really taste how expensive it is.
It's basic psychology.
It's all about the labels.
So, wait, you switched the labels? Yeah, that's how the scam works.
I steam the labels off the expensive bottles and slap them on the cheap ones.
Yeah, except we can't fence the bottles without the labels.
Nobody is gonna buy a $400 bottle of wine with no label.
Really? Are you sure? I thought maybe they'd be worth a little less money No, these are worthless.
We can't sell them.
I knew I should've gone to bingo.
Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
Now what am I gonna to do? I guess I should just go put the bottles back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I said we couldn't sell them.
I didn't say we couldn't drink 'em.
I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
The wine thing fell through, so there's no money.
I know I missed the deadline.
But I'll find something else as fast as I can.
I promise.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hey, Nick.
Hey, come join us.
I wanted to thank you.
Thank me? For what? For tonight.
The wine tasting was a huge success and I owe it all to you.
You know, this was all your idea.
Oh.
Thanks.
We should celebrate Liz's success.
Our success.
Let's crack open a bottle of the good stuff.
I took one home from the restaurant.
I've been dying to try this bottle of Costa Nord and, man, I earned it.
[GASPS.]
Oh! You all right? Yeah.
But how does a label just fall off a wine bottle? Any idea how this could've happened? Nick? Clean up in the kitchen! Molly!
I can put them off as long as I need to.
Great.
You don't think they know our real play here, do you? Trust me.
They have no idea this isn't a random family.
Good.
The Thompsons wronged us, and we're gonna make it right.
Well, I better go.
I don't want them to get suspicious.
Stay safe, kiddo.
[LAUGHS.]
You stay safe, too.
Oh, and don't take any unnecessary risks.
I know, I know.
And remember, I love you, Nicky.
I love you too, Dad.
One more thing I wanna talk to you about.
Look, you know I'm real proud of you, kiddo, but don't get greedy.
You'll need the Harbaughs for this to work.
I'm not here to make the Harbaughs rich.
No, of course, we're gonna keep all the big scores, but don't worry about splitting up small potatoes with Sam and Dorothy to keep 'em happy.
Got it.
Big scores for us, au gratins for the old rottens.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, hold on, Nicky, there's something else.
It's, uh It's this thing I got going on in here.
How much do you need? Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars? I know, I know, it's a lot, but I have an opportunity to double it, and that'll just put us one step closer to solving all our problems.
When do you need it by? Oh, end of the week? Okay.
I'm on it.
Great.
Oh, hey.
And don't forget.
It's time to get your teeth cleaned.
Ask your dentist to check your left molar for that micro-cavity.
And remember, the bubblegum fluoride sounds delicious, but it makes you gag.
Okay, I get it, Dad.
I gotta go.
Wrap it up, Franzelli.
Puke don't clean itself.
All right, well, look, I'll let you go, but one last thing.
Look, don't get too attached to this family.
Okay? You're not there to make friends.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hey, new friend! How do you like your popcorn, caramel or Asiago cheese? Oh, don't worry.
It's non-GMO.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
You're telling me that instead of my gourmet Italian cuisine, people prefer dumpster trash.
Great, thanks.
That was my accountant.
Business is off 9% last month.
So, listen up, people.
I need all hands on deck to help me brainstorm ideas for bringing in new customers.
Ooh, I know! How about a Taco Tuesday? Dad, cultural appropriation much? You don't get to say those words if you aren't Latino.
Not even "Tuesday"? No one helps me round here.
I'm trying to run a business and raise a family.
No one even acknowledges how hard I work.
Oh, hey! Good morning, Nick.
Have a seat.
Have a frittata.
Wow.
This looks amazing.
This must've been a ton of work.
See? Is that so hard? A little appreciation for what I do.
It's really good, Mom.
No one likes a suck-up.
Well, Nick, I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to chat with everyone.
Since someone destroyed all my good China last night Mom, you're not allowed to say that word unless you're Asian.
Now that you're living in this house, along with benefits, come the responsibilities.
Okay, sounds fair.
And to that end, by the power vested in me as lead parent Wait.
What? I declare this chore market open.
You're opening the chore market? That's right.
But the chore market hasn't been open since 2017.
When Molly broke her leg.
- Protesting SeaWorld.
- When baby orca Kyara died.
Hey, she is eating seals in whale heaven now.
Which is also seal hell, I guess.
Okay, so what the heck are you guys talking about? The chore market is a live auction.
The children of this household bid on chores in return for allowance, except, here's the twist, lowest bid wins.
Allowance, as in money? Yeah.
Now that we find ourselves with three children, it's time to divide up the chores again.
It's pretty simple, really.
You'll catch on.
Auction starts Friday after breakfast.
Okay, cool.
You guys know you're weird, right? Everybody out.
Jeremy needs the room.
You know, you can just text me.
You don't have to send a private escort.
- Thanks, Jim.
- You got it, boss.
You're probably wondering why I asked you to join me here today at the student council room.
You wanna talk about the chore market? Well, yeah, that that's right.
Uh Mom totally played us back in '17.
I got stuck taking out the garbage and ten different kinds of recycling.
And I have to clean the kitchen every time Mom destroys it with her explosioni di formaggio.
I need to use a chisel to get the cheese off the oven.
Exactly.
And are we fairly compensated? Are we getting market rates? We are doing nine major chores apiece for peanuts.
So what do you wanna do about it? I'm glad you asked.
Nick doesn't know that Mom always puts the harder chores first.
So if we [CLEARS THROAT.]
work together, we can make sure that Nick gets all the bad chores.
Then, when she has a full load and stops bidding, we swoop in, grab all the easy stuff, and still get the same allowance.
So you're saying you wanna collude to screw over Nick.
[CHUCKLES.]
No-one's saying "collude.
" Uh Secretly work together for our mutual benefit.
That's literally the definition of "collude.
" Okay, call it whatever you want.
But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for us to dump our crappy jobs on the newbie.
That's not fair to Nick.
You know what's not fair? Little bunnies getting tortured by cosmetics companies because you're too busy cleaning the kitchen, when you could be out there spreading your message of love and cruelty-free mascara.
Fine, I'll collude with you.
- Work together.
- Jimbo! [MOLLY SIGHS.]
We're done here.
I haven't figured out how to get money, Dad, but I'm working on an angle right now.
I can I don't care how big the rebate is, I don't need solar panels.
How's it going out here? Good, but I can't find the salt and pepper shakers.
Oh, that's because all of my dishes are already perfectly seasoned.
Then I'm done.
Question about the puttanesca, boss.
You sure you want this anchovy paste? Pretty sure.
What's the problem? In my experience, anchovy can overpower the sauce I'm sorry, are you mansplaining my own recipe to me? - No, I just thought - Don't think, just cook.
Wow.
Rude.
Oh, relax, he'll be fine.
No, I mean him.
I can't believe he tried to tell you your recipe was wrong.
Oh, yeah, well, I guess I'm used to it.
That's something I don't get about being a chef.
You seem like you're at the top of your game, you have this amazing restaurant with unbelievable food So why do the male chefs get all the attention? Oh, please, don't get me started.
It's like at my old school, the boys' basketball team practiced on a brand new court.
But they made the girls' team practice in the parking lot.
It wasn't even empty.
People got hurt.
At least you had a girls' team.
In my high school, the only girls' sport was watching boys' basketball.
I know, right? As women, we should be treated the same as anyone.
It's not fair.
Oh, well, let me tell you something.
Life is not fair.
When I was coming up in culinary school, things were way worse than now.
Women must cook twice as good for half the money.
And I still can't get on Top Chef.
Oh, my God! You would be amazing on that show.
I know, right? I've applied three years in a row.
But this year, I got an audition.
It's not for a few months, but I just know if I could get on, I could win it! I could maybe raise my profile, take the restaurant national.
Whoa.
[BOTTLES CLATTER.]
Don't worry about it.
You're carrying $5,000 worth of wine.
Bump into whatever you want.
[BOTTLES CLATTER.]
- Shut up.
They don't cost that much? - Does this look like an Olive Garden? We've got bottles worth $400, $500, some even more.
Hey, I know you were looking for an idea to drum up business.
What about a wine tasting? Sweetie, good idea, but this is a restaurant, not a wine bar.
Exactly.
That's why the wine tasting is an event.
It's new and different, but more importantly, it's one night only, so everyone will have a fear of missing out.
FOMO! Of course, the wine is just the way in to get people to discover your cooking.
Think about it.
You expose new customers to great wines and carefully curated foods that you pair yourself, and then they become regular customers.
Maybe.
Imagine the restaurant is so busy it's, like, impossible to get a reservation.
I bet the Top Chef people would want you then.
You know what? Why not? I do like the idea of choosing the menu for everyone.
People love getting told what to do.
I could start with an eggplant rollatini, stuffed with goat cheese and sun-dried tomatoes.
- That sounds amazing.
- Oh! I could pair a risotto with a Costa Nord wine.
- No one would expect that! - [LAUGHS.]
Love it! [PHONE BEEPS.]
Yo, Dorothy, it's me.
I need a fence.
[DOROTHY.]
No problem, I got a guy.
Anything you can steal, he can move.
So, what are we fencing? We're getting into the wine business.
Oh, hey.
Big news, we're doing a wine tasting at Liz's restaurant.
So? So I was thinking, you're, like, really good at social media, right? 11,009 followers can't be wrong.
Whoa, that's amazing.
It's a lot of work, but If you wanna change the world, - you have to make your voice count.
- Totally.
So I was thinking, your mom could really use a boost.
I would do it myself, but, you know, I don't have social media.
Can you promote the wine tasting? Tell your followers to tell their parents? I totally would, but it's kind of off-brand for me.
I only promote important issues, like the environment, social inequality, and, oh, cats that think they're people.
Hey, I know I'm just the new guy here, but it seems like your mom really does a lot for you guys.
I'm sure the glaciers need your help, but so does your mom.
I guess I could do a blast about the event.
Anything for my roomie.
Oh, my God, you're the best! [BOTH GIGGLE.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh.
Hey, you ready for the chore market? I don't know.
It seems super complicated.
You'll get the hang of it.
Just follow my lead and you'll do great.
Oh, thank you.
That would be amazing.
I was worried I was gonna totally mess it up.
Wow.
I almost feel bad for her.
Alexa, play Jeremy's Collusion Mix Three.
What do you think? Swordfish carpaccio, or we could go fusion with an otoro? [SIGHS.]
Am I boring you? No, I wasn't even listening.
Maybe we can reevaluate the whole chore market thing.
[SCOFFS.]
Not this again.
Jeremy and Molly didn't talk for a month after the last one.
How do you propose we give Nick some chores? Assign them ourselves, alphabetical.
I'll put names on a list and draw them out of a hat.
Literally any other method than competitive bidding.
What does that teach them? To kowtow to authority? Life is random? It's just [SIGHS.]
The auction unnecessarily pits the kids against each other, which is not, in my opinion, conducive to a warm and loving family.
This is about ownership of responsibility.
It will prepare them for the real world.
If we assign the chores, they don't internalize the responsibility.
This way, they choose, both the responsibility and the reward that goes with it.
It's up to them.
You literally said "responsibility" three times.
They're kids! Treating them like adults is how they become adults.
Yeah, adults who hate their parents.
Why is it you get to unilaterally decide what's best for our kids? You're the one that assigned me the job of being the brains of this family, which means I have to make hard decisions while you get to be fun dad all the time.
The kids think I'm fun? Did they say that specifically? I can't believe this, the restaurant is totally booked for tonight.
People are calling to ask if there's another wine tasting next weekend.
Wow, that's great.
Word must have spread somehow.
Thank you, Molly.
Just trying to pitch in.
You're gonna be there, right, Ed? I wasn't planning on it.
Really? You don't think it's important to show your support for Liz? When you say it that way, uh Since I'm not working that hard at the office, I could get off early and come by.
What a great idea.
[LIZ.]
Come on! It's time.
This chore market is now open.
Bidders, take your paddles.
Sorry, short notice.
Okay, Nick, here's how it works.
You pick the chore you'd like to do and how much you'll do it for.
Low bidder gets the chore.
Got it? Great.
All right, first up is taking out the trash.
Do I hear $10? I guess I can keep doing it.
Ten.
- Ten dollars.
Do I have nine? - Nine.
Nine.
Take out trash, make a lot of cash.
Can I get eight? - I'll do it for $8.
- Eight.
Do I have seven? No more bidders? Seven, seven, seven, no? Eight dollars taking out the trash.
Going once, going twice - [CRACK.]
- Sold to Nick for $8.
Next up is cleaning the kitchen.
- Ten dollars.
- Ten.
Who wants to clean the kitchen? Make it sparkle, make it shine.
- I've got ten, do I hear nine? - Nine.
- Nine dollars.
- Eight dollars.
- Seven! - Seven, seven, seven! Can I get a six? Who wants to put six into the mix? Seven dollars, going once, going twice.
Sold to Nick for $7.
Next chore up for bid is laundry duty.
Wash and fold, never gets old.
Ten dollars! Nick with the clean sweep so far.
And speaking of sweeping, next up is watering the plants.
Ten dollars! You don't have to bid on everything.
You've got a lot.
Yeah, Nick, it's not fair to you.
I mean, we wanna do our share.
It's fine.
I don't mind.
- Nine dollars.
- Eight.
- Seven.
- Seven dollars, seven dollars.
- Do I hear six? Watering the plants? - One dollar! Hey, bold move.
- Sold to Nick for $1.
- Can we pause? Yeah, I don't think Nick understands how this works.
Oh, yeah, I think she understands just fine.
No, it's just that in foster care I had to do all this stuff for free, so any allowance is kind of like a bonus.
- One dollar! - Sold.
[CRACK.]
And with that, I declare this chore market closed.
But we didn't get any chores.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
Nick got 'em all.
Hey, uh, I think that maybe since you're new, you didn't understand that, uh, Molly and I need to do some chores, or else we don't get any allowance.
How about we take a few off your hands? - Like I could do watering the plants.
- I'd be happy to take bringing the mail.
Responsibility.
Chore-pocalypse.
Wow, yeah, that is super generous of you.
Listen, I wanna be fair, so how about this? I sell the chores I don't want back to you.
How about you take out the trash for $5? But you're getting eight.
That's my finder's fee.
You played us.
I mean, come on, guys, I've never heard of a chore market, but I have played Monopoly before.
Alexa play Jeremy's You Got Owned Mix.
Don't be nervous.
They're gonna love everything.
Maybe I should've gone with Salmoiraghi.
It's more traditional.
- Don't even sweat it.
You got this.
- [SIGHS.]
I have your wine pairing menu and I'll hang out in the wine storage room and get the bottles ready for each course.
Thanks, Nick.
You're a lifesaver.
I really appreciate all your help.
Hey, don't mention it.
That's what I'm here for.
And look who else is here to help.
- What are you doing here? - I came for moral support.
You left work early just to come help me? I know we disagreed about how to handle the chores, but at the end of the day, we're in this together.
Aww! Hey, now that Ed's here, he can help me, and you can focus on cooking.
You won't have to go in the wine storage room at all.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Do you think I should've gone with the Salmoiraghi? Always trust your first instinct, like when you married me.
[WHISPERS.]
Thank you.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[GASPS.]
Five hundred dollars? [CHUCKLES.]
- [BOTTLES CLINKING.]
- Liz needs another Costa Nord.
Uh fine choice.
Ah.
Misty in here.
Uh, it's the, uh humidity control for the wine.
Ah.
Liz needs a Vinietto Ricardo.
- Your wish is my command.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You have been here all night Want me to take over? No, I'm good.
- At least take a break.
- No, honestly, I'm fine.
Then you know what? I'm just gonna stay here and help.
Cool Cool, cool, cool.
Uh yeah, let me get this out of your way.
- [ED.]
Ow! - Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah! I'm good.
[ED GROANS.]
Go put ice on that.
I'll keep holding down the fort.
That's a good idea.
All right.
Carry on.
Sorry about your foot! - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I thought you were supposed to be in the kitchen.
Ed says his foot hurts.
I need another Vinietto Ricardo.
No problem.
Ah.
[GASPS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wait.
Uh, maybe the eggplant would go better with that bottle instead.
Well, yeah, we can't really change the wine in the middle of the event.
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
Oh, okay, we're we're doing this.
Sorry, I'm just so proud of you.
Listen this whole thing is gonna take some time, e but we're here for each other, right? [EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Right.
Right on time.
The juice better be worth the squeeze on this scam.
I was planning on fixing a bingo game tonight.
Oh, give it a rest, Sam.
So what do ya got? Only about $5,000 worth of high-end wine.
So what did we agree on? A 70-30 split? Good one.
Anything I steal and you sell, is 50-50.
Oh, right.
Just checking.
So, how did you steal a case of wine without them knowing? Simple.
I switched it out with the cheap bottles from the Discount Wine Barn.
But doesn't everyone know they're drinking the cheap stuff? Oh, the bouquet is exquisite.
Notes of apricot and blackberry.
You can really taste how expensive it is.
It's basic psychology.
It's all about the labels.
So, wait, you switched the labels? Yeah, that's how the scam works.
I steam the labels off the expensive bottles and slap them on the cheap ones.
Yeah, except we can't fence the bottles without the labels.
Nobody is gonna buy a $400 bottle of wine with no label.
Really? Are you sure? I thought maybe they'd be worth a little less money No, these are worthless.
We can't sell them.
I knew I should've gone to bingo.
Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
Now what am I gonna to do? I guess I should just go put the bottles back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I said we couldn't sell them.
I didn't say we couldn't drink 'em.
I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
The wine thing fell through, so there's no money.
I know I missed the deadline.
But I'll find something else as fast as I can.
I promise.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, hey, Nick.
Hey, come join us.
I wanted to thank you.
Thank me? For what? For tonight.
The wine tasting was a huge success and I owe it all to you.
You know, this was all your idea.
Oh.
Thanks.
We should celebrate Liz's success.
Our success.
Let's crack open a bottle of the good stuff.
I took one home from the restaurant.
I've been dying to try this bottle of Costa Nord and, man, I earned it.
[GASPS.]
Oh! You all right? Yeah.
But how does a label just fall off a wine bottle? Any idea how this could've happened? Nick? Clean up in the kitchen! Molly!