Nolly (2023) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
TONY: I'll see you
inside, Miss Gordon.
If you could just sign
this, Nolly. Absolutely.
Who are you? I'm Poppy.
I'm playing Honour.
Poppy, we did specify
a Birmingham accent.
You might have. I did not.
Ready to record! Places,
please, everyone!
Leave it to Nolly.
Action in three
Ah, Michael. Charles.
All good things
must come to an end.
CHARLES: Meg is going to die.
Then it's true? Yes.
I've been sacked? Yes.
JANE: Sack Mother?! Why
would anyone do that?!
Take centre stage,
beat those bloody men!
JACK: But you're not dying.
This is Meg we're talking about.
Is it?
SHE SCREAMS
Good afternoon. Oh!
Good afternoon, sir.
I'm really very sorry if
I've kept you waiting.
Oh, not at all.
I can imagine you're
rather busy. Mm.
And I must apologise.
It's all a bit ad hoc, but we
had to seize the opportunity.
Well, I wish I could've
given you more time, but
London beckons.
Now, I am told they call you
the Queen of the Midlands.
I think that might be
treason. HE CHUCKLES
But it is worth pointing out,
this is a moment in history.
It's the very first time a woman
has interviewed the Prime Minister.
I'd wager, there were men who
tried to stop that happening.
Oh, yes.
Tory Central Office
weren't too pleased.
But you defeated them.
I did.
Well done.
Good evening, I'm Noele Gordon,
and it's my honour to be
here in St Andrew's Stadium
with the Prime Minister,
Harold Macmillan.
I'll never be a majority
shareholder in Crossroads again.
Soon, I'll have nothing left.
And what will I do then?
THEME TUNE PLAYS
KEITH: And hold it.
Wait for the clear.
Everyone, stay in positions.
Thank you.
TONY: Oh, here they come,
next week's scripts.
HE CLEAR HIS THROA
Any more rumours?
I've heard a fire. Billy from
Props says the motel burns down.
JANE: But who's
inside it? All of us?
TONY: When I was
here in the 1960s,
I played an estate
agent, Mr Perkins.
And every Friday, they'd give
out the scripts, just like today.
And then, one Friday,
there was no envelope,
and I said, "Where's
my scripts?"
They said, "You
haven't got any."
And that's how I
knew I'd been sacked.
Try getting pregnant. You
disappear even faster.
KEITH: And that's a clear!
NOLLY: What does it say?
JANE: Does it tell us?
TONY: What happens?
What happens?
It doesn't say.
It doesn't say. SUSAN:
There's got to be clues.
You've only got two
weeks left, Nolly.
How the hell are
they writing you out?
All it says is that
I'm making my will
..and leaving everything to you.
Well, maybe I murder you.
IRIS: Well, if it's a
murder with lots of blood,
Make-up will need ten days'
warning. Plus multiple wigs.
I've asked the writers
what's going to happen.
I've asked and asked.
Oh, come on, Ivor,
you can tell me.
Do I die? Is it murder?
Suicide? Oh
Heart attack?
Do I find a man? I
mean, do I get married?
Oh! Do I live
happily ever after?
Peter, it is not fair. I demand
you tell me what happens!
NOLLY: Nothing.
Not one word.
And guess whose fault
it turns out to be?
I'm sorry, but it's your own
fault. You went to the papers.
You crossed the line.
You told them things that
were strictly confidential.
But tell me, do I
live or do I die?
This is my problem.
Meg's exit has turned
out to be a miracle.
The show's never
been so popular!
We're everywhere. The whole
country is talking about us.
So I can't say
anything to anyone.
But you have a duty,
towards me. Maybe.
Back in the old days, yes.
But do you know what happened?
A shot rang out. A bullet
that changed the world.
That gunshot in the office in
Dallas, JR Ewing hit the floor,
and television will
never be the same again.
Now, here's our chance
to be as big as that.
To be bigger than "who shot JR?"
And I'm not gonna spoil
that for anyone.
Now where were we?
Excuse me.
The press can speculate
all they like.
But I am cleverer than them.
We have one script
with one ending,
and I have that locked away
where no-one can see it.
I wish I could, I can't
crack open a safe.
I'm not Raffles!
So what the hell do we do?
The thing is, you're all
looking at the wrong story.
You should look at me, look at
Benny, right here on the farm.
Observe, green, scene two.
I'm being all friendly with a
newcomer by the name of Sam Hurst.
Yellow, scene six,
eight and ten.
Sam paints a mural on
the wall over there,
but what's that got to do
with Meg? Pink, scene ten.
In comes Meg. She
looks at the painting.
And here's the interesting bit.
She recognises the artist.
Where? Where, where?
Turns out, he's
changed his name
because he's got
a mysterious past.
Oh
He's hiding a secret.
Well, like a murderer.
Oh, my God!
Who's playing Sam Hurst?
Brian Badcoe.
So, these are the sets,
you'll get used to it.
You must be Brian Badcoe. Yes.
I am delighted to meet you.
I'm Noele Gordon. But
you can call me Nolly.
Nolly, thank you very much.
In here? Absolutely.
Welcome to Crossroads.
So, what did they say in the
audition? Sam Hurst, who is he?
Well, they said he's
escaping his past,
er, because his wife
and children died
in a fire.
A fire? Oh, my God!
Are you an arsonist?
I don't know. Am I?
Do you kill me?
Do I? What for?
Think about it.
Brian's final episode,
guess when it transmits.
Bonfire Night. GASPS
DOORBELL RINGS
It turns out this Bonfire
Night thing might be true.
Cos guess where I've
been today. Filming.
On location.
On my own. On a Sunday?
Mm. They booked me last night.
Out of the blue.
Sent a car at 6am.
And then, on the spot, gave
me a script on white paper.
But we don't have white
scripts. Oh, we do now.
I'm sorry, Mother.
I've been filming your funeral.
JANE: So, er,
Make-up were there.
And Stephanie from Wardrobe.
I had this full
costume, all in black.
It was rather nice.
And I said, "What's going on?"
And they all said, "No idea."
And it wasn't a real cemetery,
they'd got these old
headstones out of Props.
And there it was
..your coffin.
Do you have any idea what
we're supposed to be doing?
I'm not paid to speak.
I did an episode of
Rentaghost last year,
got paid £5 for burping.
RODNEY: Thanks, then, Jane.
Checks are good, if we
could go for a take.
But what am I actually doing?
What it says in the script.
JANE: "Jill stands at
the grave and cries."
So that's what I
did. For 20 minutes.
20 minutes? That was
because of the helicopter.
LOUD WHIRRING OVERHEAD Shall
we wait for it to pass?
RODNEY: I don't think
it's going anywhere.
It's come here for you.
Is that the press?
Are they taking photos?
It's nothing to do with me,
I'm just doing what I'm told.
And action!
So that's what I did.
I stood there and cried.
HELICOPTER WHIRS LOUDLY
SHE STARTS TO SOB
WHIRRING CONTINUES
And it was definitely
my coffin? Yes.
Well Meg's.
HELICOPTER WHIRS LOUDLY
TONY: Maybe it's fake.
Cos I told you, Maggie,
they said they're
shooting multiple endings.
What was the date of birth?
Bastards!
KEITH: Ready to record.
Places, please, fast as we
can. A little bit of hush.
Scripts for next week.
There you go. And
Can we have quiet
over there, please?
Oh, fuck off!
LAUGHTER
KEITH: 30 seconds.
I can't work out if
you're dead or not.
"Meg falls asleep in the chair,
camera goes to a bottle of pills."
I mean, that's
suicide, isn't it?
Yeah, but then page 18,
"Meg stands in the doorway,
as if saying goodbye."
And then the motel burns down.
We're all outside at
the bonfire, thank God.
Sorry, Nolly, but we are.
And then Meg goes missing.
So which one is
it? What happens?
TONY: You see, they could
use any one of those scenes.
They actually went and
did it. Multiple endings.
Well, when do we find out?
TONY: Next week, I suppose.
One more week.
BRIAN: Well, at least it gets
started by a firework. Not by me.
And I get a nice little moment.
I go running back
inside to save Meg.
Look, page 21.
"I'm not afraid of
fire any more, Benny."
And And then
you burn to death.
Well, yes.
Meg's bedroom collapses
on top of you. Yes.
So, it made sense,
you being afraid of fire in
the first place, didn't it?
Yes.
But it's going to be rubbish,
isn't it? It's just gonna be shit.
We've done fires, and
what do they look like?
HE COUGHS AND GROANS
SCOTTISH ACCENT: No! No, you
save yourself, Miss Diane!
Don't worry about
me! I've had my time!
NOLLY: It's just a
tuppenny-ha'penny flame bar
put in front of the camera.
If they're killing me
off, then that's my death.
Cheap and tacky and
pathetic!
Have you seen? Have
you been in the studio?
I was there all day.
They've sent this great
big, team in tonight.
All done in 40 minutes flat.
Come and see, Nolly,
it's gone. It's all gone.
IRIS: I couldn't believe
what I was seeing.
It's not the Crossroads Motel
without Reception, is it?
That set has been standing
there for 18 years.
One of the men was
from Special Effects,
he says they're gonna take
it all to an airfield,
rebuild it on the tarmac, and
then they're gonna burn it.
They're gonna burn the whole
thing down to the ground.
All these years, they've never
spent any money on this show.
And now they're gonna spend a
fortune just to get rid of you.
I just wonder what?
What did I do?
Why do they hate me so much?
DOORBELL RINGS
Yes, hello?
MAN: 'Package for
Miss Gordon from ATV.'
Right, yes, coming down.
Thank you.
What?
SHE STARTS TO SOB
SOBBING CONTINUES
SHE CONTINUES TO SOB
Nolly?!
Good evening. I phoned ahead. We've
saved you a seat, Miss Gordon.
If you'd like to
follow me, this way.
Thank you
LARRY GRAYSON: I
got up this morning,
I pulled myself off
the bed. LAUGHTER
I had my breakfast.
Complan and a
lightly-boiled egg.
And then my friend Everard
came round to oil the knocker.
LAUGHTER
In he walked, full of trouble.
I got him a cup of beef tea.
I said, "You need
some meat inside you."
LAUGHTER
He said, "Shall we
have a game of chess?"
I said, "I'll not sit here and
wait for you to lift your bishop."
LAUGHTER Ooh, my
hair wants washing.
Anyway, there's a knock at the
door. I said, "Friend or foe?"
Answer came there none.
So I opened the door,
there's Slack Alice
sweating like a bull.
LAUGHTER Trouser suit too tight.
She looked like she'd
been lagged for t'winter.
LAUGHTER
I'd like to complain.
My room was dreadful.
I got up, I fell over
Amy Turtle's bucket.
I heard this scratching, I thought
there were rats in the wall.
It turned out to be
a couple of ferrets.
CHEERING
I do love you, Noele.
I keep asking him to marry me.
But he won't.
Oh, all right, then.
I will! Make an
honest man of me.
I accept!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Shall we name the
date, everyone?
LAUGHTER
So the doctor said, "Everything's
in perfect working order."
I said, "Oh, good. Noele
Gordon will be pleased."
LAUGHTER
KNOCK ON THE DOOR
VIP guest for you, Mr Grayson.
Make way. Here she comes,
the Queen of Sheba.
Oh, darling!
You were absolutely wonderful.
Nice little crowd, I thought.
Now, you let me get changed.
Bruce, you're not in a
hurry to lock up, are you?
No, we'll be a
while, don't worry.
Erm, it's nice to
meet you, Miss Gordon,
My mother loves you. She says
you're the best-dressed woman on TV.
Well, tell her
thank you very much.
She said it's terrible
what they're doing to you.
And I agree.
Thank you.
Off you go, now,
this is private.
Oh, and Bruce
Shut that door.
Seems like a nice boy. He's
got a boyfriend called Rudy.
I called him Trudy,
but it didn't catch on.
No-one's doing that any more.
Now, I'd take you to dinner,
but I'd better get home to Fan.
She'll only sit up waiting.
How is she? She's
fine. She's very well.
She's limping.
You pour the drinks,
I'll get changed.
They sit there hand in
hand, Bruce and Trudy.
In front of anyone.
It's a new world, Nolly.
Well, good for them.
I still find it strange.
He's right, though,
it's terrible, you.
They have treated
you appallingly.
Have you found out what happens?
Are they killing you off?
Are you wearing a
girdle? How dare you?!
You cheeky thing! Well
we all need help these days.
Oh Do you
remember that advert?
"My girdle is killing me."
Oh, I loved that.
Anyway, yes.
They have told me.
I just got the final script.
And? What happens?
I live. You do?
Mm-hm.
I survive. Well,
that's good news!
I sail off on the QE2.
You do what?
I sail off on the QE2.
You sail off on the QE2?
I do. What for?
A new life.
Hold on.
It's all some sort
of flimflam. Mm.
Meg is tired of the motel.
Erm, it's all rather
silly, really.
She leaves a note for Jill.
But the motel burns down,
so no-one sees the note.
Then she telephones and
Jill rushes off to see her.
On the actual QE2.
The real thing.
There's a call sheet
for Southampton.
We're driving down on Monday.
Could be rather
impressive. For once.
You sail off on the QE2?
I know.
That is so wonderful.
It's ridiculous!
THEY BOTH LAUGH
Oh, I couldn't be
happier! Oh, Nolly!
You're alive! I am!
Hurrah!
THEY BOTH LAUGH
I can't help thinking,
don't get cross
but if he was still
alive, he'd have helped,
he'd have come charging
to your rescue.
That's very romantic.
But I don't think he
ever followed Crossroads.
I'm sticking to my version.
I think he loved you
right to the end.
Despite the evidence.
Do you miss him?
Life goes on.
Well, bright things
ahead, darling.
Brightness and joy.
You've been set free.
You're gonna be a
bigger star than ever.
Oh, I don't think so. They'll
be clamouring for you.
Brideshead Revisited,
you could do that,
you could be a lady
in a country house.
I can see it now.
You'll be on the BBC. No,
I really don't think so.
You'll have your own
show. No, I won't.
You can have anything you
want. No, I won't, Larry.
Because I've tried
and tried and tried.
And they won't have me.
The BBC. Granada.
Everyone. I've knocked
on every, single door.
I'm just an old soap star
who's been sacked.
You're far more than that.
I know exactly who I am.
I'm just a middling
actress in a middling show.
And that is fine.
I could have carried
on for a hundred years.
But
they took it all away.
I'm chucking it in.
What, The Generation
Game? Yeah.
You are not!
It's done. I'm out.
But it's the most successful
show on television.
Not any more.
We got beaten in the
ratings by Game For A Laugh.
I wouldn't mind, but it's hosted
by that man Jeremy Beadle.
He's only got half a hand.
I've been beaten by a
man with half a hand.
It's time to say goodbye.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, it's all got a bit
coarse, hasn't it, TV?
A bit loud.
Well, what will you do?
I'll go back to
Nuneaton with Fan.
She's looked after me all my
life. Now I can look after her.
Ah, I give it five minutes,
you'll be snapped up.
Like you?
That's us, darling, two old
dinosaurs bellowing at the night,
while the boys sit hand in hand.
I still get cards congratulating
us on our engagement.
I get it every day.
People on the street say,
"When's the happy day?"
They think it's really true.
What do they see
when they look at me?
What do they actually see?
I'm not
I don't know
what I'll do.
Because you can go home
and live with your sister.
That's what you've always done.
But, er
..I wasted all those years.
I kept my life empty.
And waiting.
I was waiting for him.
But now
..I stop filming
..I've got nothing.
That
is my life outside the show.
Nothing.
Oh, darling.
What am I going to do?
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
Come on, Mother.
Is there any word from
Southampton? God knows.
They're on a tight schedule.
Got to shoot everything
before the boat sails.
Ship. It's called a ship.
My mother once owned
a fishing trawler,
and she always said
Actually, can you move
it to here? Thank you.
I thought you'd be
Never mention the Scottish
Play. Never whistle backstage.
And never sit in Nolly's chair.
These things remain
..inviolable. Mm.
PAUL: You'd think ATV
would arrange something,
like goodbye drinks
and a gold clock.
All they gave her
was a fruit bowl.
She was so nice to
me. Every single day.
Taught me everything.
Funny to think of
her on the QE2.
Two stately royal barges!
SHE LAUGHS
SUSAN: She's all on her own.
Jane's with her.
I know, but
she's spent decades
in this studio.
I mean, she knows everyone.
Not just us. I mean, the
cleaners and the security guards,
the girls on
reception. Everyone.
Knows all their birthdays.
But then her final
day's in Southampton.
Miles away.
I asked. They said the last
shot is her sailing away.
The camera's on
land, she's on board,
and the QE2 can't turn back.
So she goes all the way
to Cherbourg on her own.
And then she has to fly
back, no-one with her.
It's wrong!
Yeah.
Rodney, love, I was thinking.
I'm only in scenes seven
and nine with the greens.
All my big stuff's tomorrow.
Can we rehearse that first?
I just need to slip off.
Erm, no, to be honest.
It's just something's cropped
up. Yes, it's a ridiculous week.
I think we need to
stick to the schedule.
OK.
Sorry. It's OK.
No.
It's not OK. It's
absolutely not.
Sorry, look, scene
seven, I'll stand there.
Scene nine, I'll stand here.
Put a chair in my place,
nobody'll notice the difference
because it never
sodding changes.
I do the same thing every
day, every week, every year.
I've done it five
thousand times.
Get a performing monkey,
he'll be much better than me.
Now, I really have to go
cos I've got something much
more important to do. Bye-bye!
Can I have your
autograph? Sorry!
JACK: Right, that
seems to work.
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
We're good to go.
Everyone, thanks very much.
Nolly, are you happy?
Am I happy? Yes.
Is everything OK?
Well, it depends.
You promised me the
biggest suite on the QE2.
But you didn't
promise me enough kit
to light the biggest
suite on the QE2, did you?
So we end up shooting in
a tiny, little corner.
It's a box. It's a crate.
It's only marginally better
than a hammock in steerage.
If you look under the bed, you
might find two refugee stowaways.
Let alone what happens to Meg
when she gets to New York.
Has she got a visa?
Can she get a job?
Can she live there?
Has anyone in the office actually
sat down and thought this through?
So, if you ask me if I'm happy,
then the answer is no.
You're going to miss me, Jack.
I apologise.
I wish things were better.
Now, can we go?
Yes. OK. Ready?
Jane? Yes.
Nolly? Ready.
Break a leg. Thank you.
Checks, happy? Happy.
Happy.
Turn over. Turning.
Sound speed. Stand by.
Scene 14. Farewell to Meg.
And
..action.
Mum!
I thought you were Darling.
Oh! What's wrong?
Mr Adams, sir. I've not
seen you for a while.
No, I've been busy.
You're in a hurry.
I'm meeting an old friend.
JACK: Right, so
you've got this bit to yourself.
If anyone tries to say hello,
we've got the crew to
keep an eye on you.
I will need you to stand
here. Does that work?
Whatever you say.
We'll be down there.
And as soon as the ship moves
off, I will give a cue to Jane.
When she starts
waving, you wave back.
I will cue the brass band.
We'll keep recording
for as long as we can,
just keep waving all the
way into the distance.
What are they playing? Er
Oh, Life On The Ocean Wave.
A bit celebratory.
Glad to see me go?
OK, I suppose this is
it. We'll say goodbye.
Final checks, Iris?
You don't need me, you
never did. You look lovely.
Thank you for everything.
I love you, Nolly.
Careful. I won't spoil it.
Liz.
Oh!
We had such good times.
We did. We really did.
Bad times, too. Yeah.
1973, do you remember?
My parents died in a car crash.
They were on their way
to see me, and they died.
And
I had to go back to
work on Crossroads,
and the cast were so nice to me.
You were all so nice.
And on the day I got married,
Nolly offered me her Rolls-Royce.
And she drove me.
I had no-one to give me away.
Nolly drove me to my wedding.
I know.
Well, make sure
they know upstairs.
Because it shouldn't
be forgotten
..we worked with
an absolute star.
Thank you.
Jack.
Thank you.
Right, if we could make tracks?
You'll take your cue off
Jane. I know how it works.
Off we go, then.
SHIP'S HORN BLARES And cue Jane.
Cue the brass band!
BAND PLAYS: 'Life
On The Ocean Wave'
JACK: No, we need a bit more.
SCREAMS: Give it a bit more!
Give it a bit more, Jane!
I am.
It's not really working.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Give it Just
give it more oomph!
SCREAMS: Oomph!
So stupid.
TONY: Nolly!
Nolly!
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
Nolly!
SHE LAUGHS
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
You idiot!
That's it.
Over here!
Over here!
Yes!
Yes!
And cut!
MUSIC PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION
MUSIC STOPS
MAN: After the News at 5:45,
we'll have all the headlines
from ATV Today at 6 o'clock.
At 6:25, there's
another edition of Help.
And at 6:35, it's the one
you've all been waiting for.
Did Meg survive the fire?
Find out the truth on
tonight's Crossroads.
MUSIC PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION
Hm.
SHE HUMS SOFTLY
Now? Now!
Ah, I wanted to watch it go out.
I don't trust those bastards.
They might change the ending.
Let them. I don't care.
I thought you
wanted me to drive.
We're going shopping
the old way.
Like we used to.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, my God!
We're gonna have to run.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Stop!
After you, Miss Gordon.
Hello. Good evening.
Good evening. Evening.
Hello. Good evening.
Hello.
Good evening. Good evening.
Hello.
Hello. Good evening.
Next stop, the Crossroads
Motel! BELL DINGS
LAUGHTER
It's you, isn't it?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
I thought you'd be at
home tonight watching TV.
Why? Is there something on?
LAUGHTER
Isn't it lovely
about Princess Diana?
Oh, it's wonderful. A bonny
little baby to cheer us all up.
Oh, but I can't wait,
though. What happens to Meg?
Is she alive? Oh, can't
you tell us, please?
Now, don't be naughty.
You'll just have to watch.
I will. I rush
home every night,
I get in at bang on
06:30, just in time.
A cup of tea and
Crossroads, that's my treat.
I've got a VHS machine.
I bought a brand-new tape so
I won't miss a second, Nolly.
Well, I hope you enjoy it.
Oh, I'm only watching for him!
Oh, steady on, girls!
Is he spoken for, Nolly?
Er, well, he's spoken
about. LAUGHTER
I'd take my teeth out for him!
LAUGHTER
I feel a bit left out over here.
I never watch Coronation
Street. It's Crossroads.
I don't know who you are.
Yes, and why should you?
I hope you don't mind
my saying, Miss Gordon,
but I've read everything in the
papers and I still don't understand.
Why did they get rid of you?
Yeah, why? They must be mad!
We've been watching you in our
house ever since I was a kid.
Nolly, you put this
city on the map.
So, why did they do it?
Well, I don't know.
I wish I knew.
They must have given you
a reason. I don't know.
I mean, I'm sober, I'm clean.
I'm quiet-living and
I learn my lines.
And then, suddenly, they
Oh, it's disgraceful,
Nolly. Shame on them.
But who did it? Who was it?
Who did it to you? Well,
who do you think it was?
Who is it always? Men!
Oh No surprises there!
I knew it!
Isn't it, though?
Upstairs in their suits.
And their pipes.
And their looks.
The looks they give you,
girls, that roll of the eyes
every time you say something.
I'm rather worried about Jim.
That is Mrs Dale's Diary!
They're all the same.
No, they're not!
All right, love, I don't know what
you're getting so worked up about.
It's just a
programme. Excuse me?
It's a programme I've been
watching for 20 years.
Yeah, it means an
awful lot to me.
My mother loves it.
My sister loves it.
Both my daughters love it. Well,
that says it all, doesn't it?
It's for women.
And what does that
mean? OK, let's
No, no, no, what does that mean?
Well, no offence, love.
But it's a load of
old rubbish, isn't it?
I mean, it's just silly.
Oh, is it? Is
that how it works?
Cos women, we sit there
with our soap operas
and we're all just a bit
ridiculous, aren't we?
Aren't we stupid?
Aren't we soft?
While men have the pub,
and football, and beer.
Oh, and those are important
things, aren't they?
They're serious, they're
valid, they are worthwhile.
So men can sit back
and spread their legs
and look at the things
that we love with contempt.
With a curl of the
lip. With a sneer.
Well, let me tell you
..we feel contempt.
We can sneer.
We curl our lips in disgust.
And do you know when that is?
When you walk into the
bedroom and drop your trousers
and stand there in saggy,
yellowing underpants!
LAUGHTER
Isn't that right,
girls? ALL: Yes!
And then it gets worse.
Then you take them off.
HOWLS OF LAUGHTER
No charge, Nolly. No charge.
Thank you.
BELL DINGS
Don't forget to watch!
Bye!
Well, that was
fun. Oh, much fun.
They've got a story for
the grandchildren. Yes.
Where do you fancy
shopping, Rackhams?
Oh, no, sod that. I want steak.
And I want red wine. And I
want Black Forest gateau.
And you can let me pay
for once. Good God!
Just the once. No starter.
But I would like to
congratulate you, Miss Gordon.
You were absolutely
magnificent for 18 years.
Well, I tried.
No, you were wonderful.
I still can't work it out, darling.
Why did they get rid of you?
I'm going to have
to sell your flat.
And the Rolls is going
to have to go back.
That's all right.
We'll blunder on.
God, we'll miss you.
No, you won't. And
that's an order.
You will go in to work and
carry on like you always have.
TONY: I think so.
NOLLY: And, you, be careful.
Because it's a machine,
that programme.
Mm. And the machine
is ruthless.
Next week's scripts.
KEITH: Positions,
please. Keep it quiet.
Let's have less of the chat.
We are on green, scene 40A,
picking up from the top.
Thank you.
Where's mine? Sorry,
nothing for you.
In five, four
MAN: And I speak the truth. I don't
mean to upset you, Miss Diane.
But that man was telling a lie.
TONY: And what about you?
NOLLY: Oh, time to
fade away, I think.
Like
nice, little cottage.
Roses over the door.
Kettle on the hob.
Really?
Oh, fuck off, dear. I'm
only just getting started.
Do you think I'd let those
bastards stop me? I've got plans.
What am I going to do?
Come with me. Come on.
Up. Don't sit there grizzling.
Come and see.
Bruce, could we have some
lights on? Yeah, sure.
Len!
Can we get some
lights on, please?
Oh, I don't think so. Hush!
There, now.
This is where you started.
And this is where you belong.
Larry, I am exhausted.
Nonsense.
I am 61 years old.
Perfect age. Says the
man who's retiring.
I was born middle-aged.
And you were born for this.
Who was the first
Meg you ever played?
Meg Brockie in Brigadoon.
The village tart.
How many performances?
One thousand.
You auditioned in front of
Frederick Loewe himself.
And what did he say?
He said, "Marry me."
Because he thought
you were so wonderful.
He could see it.
I can see it right now.
What about you, Nolly?
Do you think you can do
it, start all over again
..and show them?
All those men.
Everyone who ever doubted you.
What do you think?
Oh, watch me.
accessibility@itv.com
inside, Miss Gordon.
If you could just sign
this, Nolly. Absolutely.
Who are you? I'm Poppy.
I'm playing Honour.
Poppy, we did specify
a Birmingham accent.
You might have. I did not.
Ready to record! Places,
please, everyone!
Leave it to Nolly.
Action in three
Ah, Michael. Charles.
All good things
must come to an end.
CHARLES: Meg is going to die.
Then it's true? Yes.
I've been sacked? Yes.
JANE: Sack Mother?! Why
would anyone do that?!
Take centre stage,
beat those bloody men!
JACK: But you're not dying.
This is Meg we're talking about.
Is it?
SHE SCREAMS
Good afternoon. Oh!
Good afternoon, sir.
I'm really very sorry if
I've kept you waiting.
Oh, not at all.
I can imagine you're
rather busy. Mm.
And I must apologise.
It's all a bit ad hoc, but we
had to seize the opportunity.
Well, I wish I could've
given you more time, but
London beckons.
Now, I am told they call you
the Queen of the Midlands.
I think that might be
treason. HE CHUCKLES
But it is worth pointing out,
this is a moment in history.
It's the very first time a woman
has interviewed the Prime Minister.
I'd wager, there were men who
tried to stop that happening.
Oh, yes.
Tory Central Office
weren't too pleased.
But you defeated them.
I did.
Well done.
Good evening, I'm Noele Gordon,
and it's my honour to be
here in St Andrew's Stadium
with the Prime Minister,
Harold Macmillan.
I'll never be a majority
shareholder in Crossroads again.
Soon, I'll have nothing left.
And what will I do then?
THEME TUNE PLAYS
KEITH: And hold it.
Wait for the clear.
Everyone, stay in positions.
Thank you.
TONY: Oh, here they come,
next week's scripts.
HE CLEAR HIS THROA
Any more rumours?
I've heard a fire. Billy from
Props says the motel burns down.
JANE: But who's
inside it? All of us?
TONY: When I was
here in the 1960s,
I played an estate
agent, Mr Perkins.
And every Friday, they'd give
out the scripts, just like today.
And then, one Friday,
there was no envelope,
and I said, "Where's
my scripts?"
They said, "You
haven't got any."
And that's how I
knew I'd been sacked.
Try getting pregnant. You
disappear even faster.
KEITH: And that's a clear!
NOLLY: What does it say?
JANE: Does it tell us?
TONY: What happens?
What happens?
It doesn't say.
It doesn't say. SUSAN:
There's got to be clues.
You've only got two
weeks left, Nolly.
How the hell are
they writing you out?
All it says is that
I'm making my will
..and leaving everything to you.
Well, maybe I murder you.
IRIS: Well, if it's a
murder with lots of blood,
Make-up will need ten days'
warning. Plus multiple wigs.
I've asked the writers
what's going to happen.
I've asked and asked.
Oh, come on, Ivor,
you can tell me.
Do I die? Is it murder?
Suicide? Oh
Heart attack?
Do I find a man? I
mean, do I get married?
Oh! Do I live
happily ever after?
Peter, it is not fair. I demand
you tell me what happens!
NOLLY: Nothing.
Not one word.
And guess whose fault
it turns out to be?
I'm sorry, but it's your own
fault. You went to the papers.
You crossed the line.
You told them things that
were strictly confidential.
But tell me, do I
live or do I die?
This is my problem.
Meg's exit has turned
out to be a miracle.
The show's never
been so popular!
We're everywhere. The whole
country is talking about us.
So I can't say
anything to anyone.
But you have a duty,
towards me. Maybe.
Back in the old days, yes.
But do you know what happened?
A shot rang out. A bullet
that changed the world.
That gunshot in the office in
Dallas, JR Ewing hit the floor,
and television will
never be the same again.
Now, here's our chance
to be as big as that.
To be bigger than "who shot JR?"
And I'm not gonna spoil
that for anyone.
Now where were we?
Excuse me.
The press can speculate
all they like.
But I am cleverer than them.
We have one script
with one ending,
and I have that locked away
where no-one can see it.
I wish I could, I can't
crack open a safe.
I'm not Raffles!
So what the hell do we do?
The thing is, you're all
looking at the wrong story.
You should look at me, look at
Benny, right here on the farm.
Observe, green, scene two.
I'm being all friendly with a
newcomer by the name of Sam Hurst.
Yellow, scene six,
eight and ten.
Sam paints a mural on
the wall over there,
but what's that got to do
with Meg? Pink, scene ten.
In comes Meg. She
looks at the painting.
And here's the interesting bit.
She recognises the artist.
Where? Where, where?
Turns out, he's
changed his name
because he's got
a mysterious past.
Oh
He's hiding a secret.
Well, like a murderer.
Oh, my God!
Who's playing Sam Hurst?
Brian Badcoe.
So, these are the sets,
you'll get used to it.
You must be Brian Badcoe. Yes.
I am delighted to meet you.
I'm Noele Gordon. But
you can call me Nolly.
Nolly, thank you very much.
In here? Absolutely.
Welcome to Crossroads.
So, what did they say in the
audition? Sam Hurst, who is he?
Well, they said he's
escaping his past,
er, because his wife
and children died
in a fire.
A fire? Oh, my God!
Are you an arsonist?
I don't know. Am I?
Do you kill me?
Do I? What for?
Think about it.
Brian's final episode,
guess when it transmits.
Bonfire Night. GASPS
DOORBELL RINGS
It turns out this Bonfire
Night thing might be true.
Cos guess where I've
been today. Filming.
On location.
On my own. On a Sunday?
Mm. They booked me last night.
Out of the blue.
Sent a car at 6am.
And then, on the spot, gave
me a script on white paper.
But we don't have white
scripts. Oh, we do now.
I'm sorry, Mother.
I've been filming your funeral.
JANE: So, er,
Make-up were there.
And Stephanie from Wardrobe.
I had this full
costume, all in black.
It was rather nice.
And I said, "What's going on?"
And they all said, "No idea."
And it wasn't a real cemetery,
they'd got these old
headstones out of Props.
And there it was
..your coffin.
Do you have any idea what
we're supposed to be doing?
I'm not paid to speak.
I did an episode of
Rentaghost last year,
got paid £5 for burping.
RODNEY: Thanks, then, Jane.
Checks are good, if we
could go for a take.
But what am I actually doing?
What it says in the script.
JANE: "Jill stands at
the grave and cries."
So that's what I
did. For 20 minutes.
20 minutes? That was
because of the helicopter.
LOUD WHIRRING OVERHEAD Shall
we wait for it to pass?
RODNEY: I don't think
it's going anywhere.
It's come here for you.
Is that the press?
Are they taking photos?
It's nothing to do with me,
I'm just doing what I'm told.
And action!
So that's what I did.
I stood there and cried.
HELICOPTER WHIRS LOUDLY
SHE STARTS TO SOB
WHIRRING CONTINUES
And it was definitely
my coffin? Yes.
Well Meg's.
HELICOPTER WHIRS LOUDLY
TONY: Maybe it's fake.
Cos I told you, Maggie,
they said they're
shooting multiple endings.
What was the date of birth?
Bastards!
KEITH: Ready to record.
Places, please, fast as we
can. A little bit of hush.
Scripts for next week.
There you go. And
Can we have quiet
over there, please?
Oh, fuck off!
LAUGHTER
KEITH: 30 seconds.
I can't work out if
you're dead or not.
"Meg falls asleep in the chair,
camera goes to a bottle of pills."
I mean, that's
suicide, isn't it?
Yeah, but then page 18,
"Meg stands in the doorway,
as if saying goodbye."
And then the motel burns down.
We're all outside at
the bonfire, thank God.
Sorry, Nolly, but we are.
And then Meg goes missing.
So which one is
it? What happens?
TONY: You see, they could
use any one of those scenes.
They actually went and
did it. Multiple endings.
Well, when do we find out?
TONY: Next week, I suppose.
One more week.
BRIAN: Well, at least it gets
started by a firework. Not by me.
And I get a nice little moment.
I go running back
inside to save Meg.
Look, page 21.
"I'm not afraid of
fire any more, Benny."
And And then
you burn to death.
Well, yes.
Meg's bedroom collapses
on top of you. Yes.
So, it made sense,
you being afraid of fire in
the first place, didn't it?
Yes.
But it's going to be rubbish,
isn't it? It's just gonna be shit.
We've done fires, and
what do they look like?
HE COUGHS AND GROANS
SCOTTISH ACCENT: No! No, you
save yourself, Miss Diane!
Don't worry about
me! I've had my time!
NOLLY: It's just a
tuppenny-ha'penny flame bar
put in front of the camera.
If they're killing me
off, then that's my death.
Cheap and tacky and
pathetic!
Have you seen? Have
you been in the studio?
I was there all day.
They've sent this great
big, team in tonight.
All done in 40 minutes flat.
Come and see, Nolly,
it's gone. It's all gone.
IRIS: I couldn't believe
what I was seeing.
It's not the Crossroads Motel
without Reception, is it?
That set has been standing
there for 18 years.
One of the men was
from Special Effects,
he says they're gonna take
it all to an airfield,
rebuild it on the tarmac, and
then they're gonna burn it.
They're gonna burn the whole
thing down to the ground.
All these years, they've never
spent any money on this show.
And now they're gonna spend a
fortune just to get rid of you.
I just wonder what?
What did I do?
Why do they hate me so much?
DOORBELL RINGS
Yes, hello?
MAN: 'Package for
Miss Gordon from ATV.'
Right, yes, coming down.
Thank you.
What?
SHE STARTS TO SOB
SOBBING CONTINUES
SHE CONTINUES TO SOB
Nolly?!
Good evening. I phoned ahead. We've
saved you a seat, Miss Gordon.
If you'd like to
follow me, this way.
Thank you
LARRY GRAYSON: I
got up this morning,
I pulled myself off
the bed. LAUGHTER
I had my breakfast.
Complan and a
lightly-boiled egg.
And then my friend Everard
came round to oil the knocker.
LAUGHTER
In he walked, full of trouble.
I got him a cup of beef tea.
I said, "You need
some meat inside you."
LAUGHTER
He said, "Shall we
have a game of chess?"
I said, "I'll not sit here and
wait for you to lift your bishop."
LAUGHTER Ooh, my
hair wants washing.
Anyway, there's a knock at the
door. I said, "Friend or foe?"
Answer came there none.
So I opened the door,
there's Slack Alice
sweating like a bull.
LAUGHTER Trouser suit too tight.
She looked like she'd
been lagged for t'winter.
LAUGHTER
I'd like to complain.
My room was dreadful.
I got up, I fell over
Amy Turtle's bucket.
I heard this scratching, I thought
there were rats in the wall.
It turned out to be
a couple of ferrets.
CHEERING
I do love you, Noele.
I keep asking him to marry me.
But he won't.
Oh, all right, then.
I will! Make an
honest man of me.
I accept!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Shall we name the
date, everyone?
LAUGHTER
So the doctor said, "Everything's
in perfect working order."
I said, "Oh, good. Noele
Gordon will be pleased."
LAUGHTER
KNOCK ON THE DOOR
VIP guest for you, Mr Grayson.
Make way. Here she comes,
the Queen of Sheba.
Oh, darling!
You were absolutely wonderful.
Nice little crowd, I thought.
Now, you let me get changed.
Bruce, you're not in a
hurry to lock up, are you?
No, we'll be a
while, don't worry.
Erm, it's nice to
meet you, Miss Gordon,
My mother loves you. She says
you're the best-dressed woman on TV.
Well, tell her
thank you very much.
She said it's terrible
what they're doing to you.
And I agree.
Thank you.
Off you go, now,
this is private.
Oh, and Bruce
Shut that door.
Seems like a nice boy. He's
got a boyfriend called Rudy.
I called him Trudy,
but it didn't catch on.
No-one's doing that any more.
Now, I'd take you to dinner,
but I'd better get home to Fan.
She'll only sit up waiting.
How is she? She's
fine. She's very well.
She's limping.
You pour the drinks,
I'll get changed.
They sit there hand in
hand, Bruce and Trudy.
In front of anyone.
It's a new world, Nolly.
Well, good for them.
I still find it strange.
He's right, though,
it's terrible, you.
They have treated
you appallingly.
Have you found out what happens?
Are they killing you off?
Are you wearing a
girdle? How dare you?!
You cheeky thing! Well
we all need help these days.
Oh Do you
remember that advert?
"My girdle is killing me."
Oh, I loved that.
Anyway, yes.
They have told me.
I just got the final script.
And? What happens?
I live. You do?
Mm-hm.
I survive. Well,
that's good news!
I sail off on the QE2.
You do what?
I sail off on the QE2.
You sail off on the QE2?
I do. What for?
A new life.
Hold on.
It's all some sort
of flimflam. Mm.
Meg is tired of the motel.
Erm, it's all rather
silly, really.
She leaves a note for Jill.
But the motel burns down,
so no-one sees the note.
Then she telephones and
Jill rushes off to see her.
On the actual QE2.
The real thing.
There's a call sheet
for Southampton.
We're driving down on Monday.
Could be rather
impressive. For once.
You sail off on the QE2?
I know.
That is so wonderful.
It's ridiculous!
THEY BOTH LAUGH
Oh, I couldn't be
happier! Oh, Nolly!
You're alive! I am!
Hurrah!
THEY BOTH LAUGH
I can't help thinking,
don't get cross
but if he was still
alive, he'd have helped,
he'd have come charging
to your rescue.
That's very romantic.
But I don't think he
ever followed Crossroads.
I'm sticking to my version.
I think he loved you
right to the end.
Despite the evidence.
Do you miss him?
Life goes on.
Well, bright things
ahead, darling.
Brightness and joy.
You've been set free.
You're gonna be a
bigger star than ever.
Oh, I don't think so. They'll
be clamouring for you.
Brideshead Revisited,
you could do that,
you could be a lady
in a country house.
I can see it now.
You'll be on the BBC. No,
I really don't think so.
You'll have your own
show. No, I won't.
You can have anything you
want. No, I won't, Larry.
Because I've tried
and tried and tried.
And they won't have me.
The BBC. Granada.
Everyone. I've knocked
on every, single door.
I'm just an old soap star
who's been sacked.
You're far more than that.
I know exactly who I am.
I'm just a middling
actress in a middling show.
And that is fine.
I could have carried
on for a hundred years.
But
they took it all away.
I'm chucking it in.
What, The Generation
Game? Yeah.
You are not!
It's done. I'm out.
But it's the most successful
show on television.
Not any more.
We got beaten in the
ratings by Game For A Laugh.
I wouldn't mind, but it's hosted
by that man Jeremy Beadle.
He's only got half a hand.
I've been beaten by a
man with half a hand.
It's time to say goodbye.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, it's all got a bit
coarse, hasn't it, TV?
A bit loud.
Well, what will you do?
I'll go back to
Nuneaton with Fan.
She's looked after me all my
life. Now I can look after her.
Ah, I give it five minutes,
you'll be snapped up.
Like you?
That's us, darling, two old
dinosaurs bellowing at the night,
while the boys sit hand in hand.
I still get cards congratulating
us on our engagement.
I get it every day.
People on the street say,
"When's the happy day?"
They think it's really true.
What do they see
when they look at me?
What do they actually see?
I'm not
I don't know
what I'll do.
Because you can go home
and live with your sister.
That's what you've always done.
But, er
..I wasted all those years.
I kept my life empty.
And waiting.
I was waiting for him.
But now
..I stop filming
..I've got nothing.
That
is my life outside the show.
Nothing.
Oh, darling.
What am I going to do?
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
Come on, Mother.
Is there any word from
Southampton? God knows.
They're on a tight schedule.
Got to shoot everything
before the boat sails.
Ship. It's called a ship.
My mother once owned
a fishing trawler,
and she always said
Actually, can you move
it to here? Thank you.
I thought you'd be
Never mention the Scottish
Play. Never whistle backstage.
And never sit in Nolly's chair.
These things remain
..inviolable. Mm.
PAUL: You'd think ATV
would arrange something,
like goodbye drinks
and a gold clock.
All they gave her
was a fruit bowl.
She was so nice to
me. Every single day.
Taught me everything.
Funny to think of
her on the QE2.
Two stately royal barges!
SHE LAUGHS
SUSAN: She's all on her own.
Jane's with her.
I know, but
she's spent decades
in this studio.
I mean, she knows everyone.
Not just us. I mean, the
cleaners and the security guards,
the girls on
reception. Everyone.
Knows all their birthdays.
But then her final
day's in Southampton.
Miles away.
I asked. They said the last
shot is her sailing away.
The camera's on
land, she's on board,
and the QE2 can't turn back.
So she goes all the way
to Cherbourg on her own.
And then she has to fly
back, no-one with her.
It's wrong!
Yeah.
Rodney, love, I was thinking.
I'm only in scenes seven
and nine with the greens.
All my big stuff's tomorrow.
Can we rehearse that first?
I just need to slip off.
Erm, no, to be honest.
It's just something's cropped
up. Yes, it's a ridiculous week.
I think we need to
stick to the schedule.
OK.
Sorry. It's OK.
No.
It's not OK. It's
absolutely not.
Sorry, look, scene
seven, I'll stand there.
Scene nine, I'll stand here.
Put a chair in my place,
nobody'll notice the difference
because it never
sodding changes.
I do the same thing every
day, every week, every year.
I've done it five
thousand times.
Get a performing monkey,
he'll be much better than me.
Now, I really have to go
cos I've got something much
more important to do. Bye-bye!
Can I have your
autograph? Sorry!
JACK: Right, that
seems to work.
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
We're good to go.
Everyone, thanks very much.
Nolly, are you happy?
Am I happy? Yes.
Is everything OK?
Well, it depends.
You promised me the
biggest suite on the QE2.
But you didn't
promise me enough kit
to light the biggest
suite on the QE2, did you?
So we end up shooting in
a tiny, little corner.
It's a box. It's a crate.
It's only marginally better
than a hammock in steerage.
If you look under the bed, you
might find two refugee stowaways.
Let alone what happens to Meg
when she gets to New York.
Has she got a visa?
Can she get a job?
Can she live there?
Has anyone in the office actually
sat down and thought this through?
So, if you ask me if I'm happy,
then the answer is no.
You're going to miss me, Jack.
I apologise.
I wish things were better.
Now, can we go?
Yes. OK. Ready?
Jane? Yes.
Nolly? Ready.
Break a leg. Thank you.
Checks, happy? Happy.
Happy.
Turn over. Turning.
Sound speed. Stand by.
Scene 14. Farewell to Meg.
And
..action.
Mum!
I thought you were Darling.
Oh! What's wrong?
Mr Adams, sir. I've not
seen you for a while.
No, I've been busy.
You're in a hurry.
I'm meeting an old friend.
JACK: Right, so
you've got this bit to yourself.
If anyone tries to say hello,
we've got the crew to
keep an eye on you.
I will need you to stand
here. Does that work?
Whatever you say.
We'll be down there.
And as soon as the ship moves
off, I will give a cue to Jane.
When she starts
waving, you wave back.
I will cue the brass band.
We'll keep recording
for as long as we can,
just keep waving all the
way into the distance.
What are they playing? Er
Oh, Life On The Ocean Wave.
A bit celebratory.
Glad to see me go?
OK, I suppose this is
it. We'll say goodbye.
Final checks, Iris?
You don't need me, you
never did. You look lovely.
Thank you for everything.
I love you, Nolly.
Careful. I won't spoil it.
Liz.
Oh!
We had such good times.
We did. We really did.
Bad times, too. Yeah.
1973, do you remember?
My parents died in a car crash.
They were on their way
to see me, and they died.
And
I had to go back to
work on Crossroads,
and the cast were so nice to me.
You were all so nice.
And on the day I got married,
Nolly offered me her Rolls-Royce.
And she drove me.
I had no-one to give me away.
Nolly drove me to my wedding.
I know.
Well, make sure
they know upstairs.
Because it shouldn't
be forgotten
..we worked with
an absolute star.
Thank you.
Jack.
Thank you.
Right, if we could make tracks?
You'll take your cue off
Jane. I know how it works.
Off we go, then.
SHIP'S HORN BLARES And cue Jane.
Cue the brass band!
BAND PLAYS: 'Life
On The Ocean Wave'
JACK: No, we need a bit more.
SCREAMS: Give it a bit more!
Give it a bit more, Jane!
I am.
It's not really working.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Give it Just
give it more oomph!
SCREAMS: Oomph!
So stupid.
TONY: Nolly!
Nolly!
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
Nolly!
SHE LAUGHS
SHIP'S HORN BLARES
You idiot!
That's it.
Over here!
Over here!
Yes!
Yes!
And cut!
MUSIC PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION
MUSIC STOPS
MAN: After the News at 5:45,
we'll have all the headlines
from ATV Today at 6 o'clock.
At 6:25, there's
another edition of Help.
And at 6:35, it's the one
you've all been waiting for.
Did Meg survive the fire?
Find out the truth on
tonight's Crossroads.
MUSIC PLAYS ON THE TELEVISION
Hm.
SHE HUMS SOFTLY
Now? Now!
Ah, I wanted to watch it go out.
I don't trust those bastards.
They might change the ending.
Let them. I don't care.
I thought you
wanted me to drive.
We're going shopping
the old way.
Like we used to.
HE LAUGHS
Oh, my God!
We're gonna have to run.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Stop!
After you, Miss Gordon.
Hello. Good evening.
Good evening. Evening.
Hello. Good evening.
Hello.
Good evening. Good evening.
Hello.
Hello. Good evening.
Next stop, the Crossroads
Motel! BELL DINGS
LAUGHTER
It's you, isn't it?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
I thought you'd be at
home tonight watching TV.
Why? Is there something on?
LAUGHTER
Isn't it lovely
about Princess Diana?
Oh, it's wonderful. A bonny
little baby to cheer us all up.
Oh, but I can't wait,
though. What happens to Meg?
Is she alive? Oh, can't
you tell us, please?
Now, don't be naughty.
You'll just have to watch.
I will. I rush
home every night,
I get in at bang on
06:30, just in time.
A cup of tea and
Crossroads, that's my treat.
I've got a VHS machine.
I bought a brand-new tape so
I won't miss a second, Nolly.
Well, I hope you enjoy it.
Oh, I'm only watching for him!
Oh, steady on, girls!
Is he spoken for, Nolly?
Er, well, he's spoken
about. LAUGHTER
I'd take my teeth out for him!
LAUGHTER
I feel a bit left out over here.
I never watch Coronation
Street. It's Crossroads.
I don't know who you are.
Yes, and why should you?
I hope you don't mind
my saying, Miss Gordon,
but I've read everything in the
papers and I still don't understand.
Why did they get rid of you?
Yeah, why? They must be mad!
We've been watching you in our
house ever since I was a kid.
Nolly, you put this
city on the map.
So, why did they do it?
Well, I don't know.
I wish I knew.
They must have given you
a reason. I don't know.
I mean, I'm sober, I'm clean.
I'm quiet-living and
I learn my lines.
And then, suddenly, they
Oh, it's disgraceful,
Nolly. Shame on them.
But who did it? Who was it?
Who did it to you? Well,
who do you think it was?
Who is it always? Men!
Oh No surprises there!
I knew it!
Isn't it, though?
Upstairs in their suits.
And their pipes.
And their looks.
The looks they give you,
girls, that roll of the eyes
every time you say something.
I'm rather worried about Jim.
That is Mrs Dale's Diary!
They're all the same.
No, they're not!
All right, love, I don't know what
you're getting so worked up about.
It's just a
programme. Excuse me?
It's a programme I've been
watching for 20 years.
Yeah, it means an
awful lot to me.
My mother loves it.
My sister loves it.
Both my daughters love it. Well,
that says it all, doesn't it?
It's for women.
And what does that
mean? OK, let's
No, no, no, what does that mean?
Well, no offence, love.
But it's a load of
old rubbish, isn't it?
I mean, it's just silly.
Oh, is it? Is
that how it works?
Cos women, we sit there
with our soap operas
and we're all just a bit
ridiculous, aren't we?
Aren't we stupid?
Aren't we soft?
While men have the pub,
and football, and beer.
Oh, and those are important
things, aren't they?
They're serious, they're
valid, they are worthwhile.
So men can sit back
and spread their legs
and look at the things
that we love with contempt.
With a curl of the
lip. With a sneer.
Well, let me tell you
..we feel contempt.
We can sneer.
We curl our lips in disgust.
And do you know when that is?
When you walk into the
bedroom and drop your trousers
and stand there in saggy,
yellowing underpants!
LAUGHTER
Isn't that right,
girls? ALL: Yes!
And then it gets worse.
Then you take them off.
HOWLS OF LAUGHTER
No charge, Nolly. No charge.
Thank you.
BELL DINGS
Don't forget to watch!
Bye!
Well, that was
fun. Oh, much fun.
They've got a story for
the grandchildren. Yes.
Where do you fancy
shopping, Rackhams?
Oh, no, sod that. I want steak.
And I want red wine. And I
want Black Forest gateau.
And you can let me pay
for once. Good God!
Just the once. No starter.
But I would like to
congratulate you, Miss Gordon.
You were absolutely
magnificent for 18 years.
Well, I tried.
No, you were wonderful.
I still can't work it out, darling.
Why did they get rid of you?
I'm going to have
to sell your flat.
And the Rolls is going
to have to go back.
That's all right.
We'll blunder on.
God, we'll miss you.
No, you won't. And
that's an order.
You will go in to work and
carry on like you always have.
TONY: I think so.
NOLLY: And, you, be careful.
Because it's a machine,
that programme.
Mm. And the machine
is ruthless.
Next week's scripts.
KEITH: Positions,
please. Keep it quiet.
Let's have less of the chat.
We are on green, scene 40A,
picking up from the top.
Thank you.
Where's mine? Sorry,
nothing for you.
In five, four
MAN: And I speak the truth. I don't
mean to upset you, Miss Diane.
But that man was telling a lie.
TONY: And what about you?
NOLLY: Oh, time to
fade away, I think.
Like
nice, little cottage.
Roses over the door.
Kettle on the hob.
Really?
Oh, fuck off, dear. I'm
only just getting started.
Do you think I'd let those
bastards stop me? I've got plans.
What am I going to do?
Come with me. Come on.
Up. Don't sit there grizzling.
Come and see.
Bruce, could we have some
lights on? Yeah, sure.
Len!
Can we get some
lights on, please?
Oh, I don't think so. Hush!
There, now.
This is where you started.
And this is where you belong.
Larry, I am exhausted.
Nonsense.
I am 61 years old.
Perfect age. Says the
man who's retiring.
I was born middle-aged.
And you were born for this.
Who was the first
Meg you ever played?
Meg Brockie in Brigadoon.
The village tart.
How many performances?
One thousand.
You auditioned in front of
Frederick Loewe himself.
And what did he say?
He said, "Marry me."
Because he thought
you were so wonderful.
He could see it.
I can see it right now.
What about you, Nolly?
Do you think you can do
it, start all over again
..and show them?
All those men.
Everyone who ever doubted you.
What do you think?
Oh, watch me.
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