On the Buses (1969) s01e02 Episode Script

On the Buses, number 2, production
number 0158, part 1, take 1.
Over and out, please!
I can't eat any more.
Oh, what's the matter, Stan?
You've hardly touched your breakfast.
No, it's nothing wrong, Mum.
No, it's nothing.
I've got that queasy feeling in my stomach.
I'll just have this cup of tea.
No, it's always the same when I've got to work with a new conductor.
Oh, what difference does that make?
Oh, blimey, the last one was bell-happy, wasn't he?
Ding, ding, ding all day long.
Even made me stop to pick up passengers.
Ah, typical.
No wonder people use trains.
At least they're reliable.
Just because you work on the railways.
Trains, gawd.
Yeah, but at least we stop at stations where we're supposed to stop.
And about 20 places in between.
What the hell do you know about it, anyway?
You sell tickets in the booking office.
You want to try driving a bus all day long in the heavy traffic.
My bus, mate, is over 30 feet long.
Some of our trains are over 500 feet long.
But you don't drive them down the high street, do you?
There's another thing.
I'm sitting on top of that engine all day long thumping away.
Puts a froth on me gastric juices.
Oh, Stan, not while I'm eating.
Fancy feeling ill just because he's got a new conductor.
Well, Stan's always been like that.
I remember when he first had Miss Wilkins.
I do.
Miss Wilkins.
At school.
She was his teacher, you know.
Every morning he felt sick, you know.
For God's sake, Mum.
I was only eight years old then.
Well, you haven't changed at all, you know.
I used to give him hot water bottles and put it on his tummy.
I'll get you one now, love.
Oh, Mum, sit down, for God's sake.
I can't turn up with a depo with a hot water bottle up me coat.
Blimey, they'll think I'm a pregnant clippy.
No, no, it's a touch of heartburn.
It'll go when I walk about.
Well, I know what it is.
It's flatulence.
Now, look here.
Bring the wind up.
Come on, up he comes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you put him over your shoulder and walk him up and down a bit?
Oh, don't give her ideas.
Here, look, I'm due out at 8.40. Where's me cat, Mum?
I had it a minute ago.
Now, where'd I put it?
Where's me cat?
Don't fluster me.
My memory's not as good as it used to be.
It can't be all that bad.
You can remember what my stomach was like 30 years ago.
Oh, God, look at the cat sitting on it.
Oh, well.
He was only keeping it warm, love.
I don't mind that, but I don't want it fur-lined.
Blimey, and I've moulted, Mum.
Oh, look here, I'll brush it for you.
Good job you got a mum, you know.
Look, he's got to get married sometime.
Well, he's only a boy.
You can't rush these things.
Sometimes terrible things can happen.
Well, right you are.
Inspector, come over here.
Now, look, darling, look here.
If the conductor ain't nice to you, you tell the inspector.
Oh, Mum, you are half-to-half, don't you?
I can't go up to the inspector and say, Inspector, can I have a new conductor?
This one's being rude to me.
Shall I give you a note?
Oh!
Cheryl.
It's just that I don't like working with new conductors.
Well, I don't make up the road list, do I?
What route did they put you on?
Yeah, well, who am I with then?
You're with me.
Oh.
Why?
What's the matter?
Nothing, it's just that I thought you was a bloke.
Oh.
Oh, blimey, mate.
If your eyes are as bad as all that, you shouldn't be driving a bus.
No, I didn't mean that.
I meant that I've never had a clippy before.
Oh.
Well, you'd better get used to the idea.
Hang on a minute.
Oh, blimey, Stan.
You've got Iris.
Who's Iris?
She's from Muselden.
God, Iris, she's a right little raver.
She's stuck oil there, mate.
Yeah, she's worn out more drivers than the five o'clock rush hour.
I'll tell you something, Jack.
She won't get me going, mate.
Want to take a bet?
I'll take a bet.
The bet's off.
Oh, well, better get the gear on.
I've just got to tighten me straps.
That's all right.
I'll do that for you.
I know.
You're a bit fresh, aren't you?
No, I know how they go.
Not these you don't.
Oh.
Well, come on, then.
Come on, help us on with it.
All right.
Right.
Tighten it up a bit at the back.
That's right.
How's that?
Oh, dear.
Don't pull it in too hard.
Oh, sorry.
There's a time and place for everything, you know.
Is that better?
Well, I don't know.
It's still a bit tight.
I'm a 38-inch.
Or haven't you noticed?
No.
No, I haven't.
Well, we'd better get going, then, that lovely.
What?
It's time for a last fag, isn't it?
Watch it.
The inspector's knocking about.
Oh, you don't worry about that old burp, do you?
Me?
No.
I couldn't care less about him.
Not it, I'm telling you.
Here.
Hang on to that a minute.
What for?
Well, I just want to powder me nose.
Oh.
Cut!
Well, the only thing you're doing it.
You know the regulations.
Put that fag out.
This is not my fag.
Not what?
It is my fag.
I'm sorry.
Put it out.
Anyway, you're due out.
Get in that cab and drive off.
Here, hang on a minute, can't I even go to the ladies?
You nip off, love.
I'll wait for you.
You're what?
I'll wait for you.
Since when do you decide the schedules?
This is a bus, mate, not a private motor car at madam's disposal.
Get that cab out of here.
Get on that bus.
You've had plenty of time to go.
You wait till they get to the other end now.
It's 8.41. You're late.
Hey!
What's that supposed to mean?
Backwards, forwards, or blast off?
Look out!
Look out!
You imbecile.
You know the regulations.
Why didn't you follow the conductor's instructions?
I was following my
No, no, it's my fault.
No, I'm sorry.
I might have been standing here.
Well, we can't always look on the bright side.
Yeah.
I'm afraid I shall have to put all that down on the report.
As if I haven't got enough to do.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks for not letting on to that narc.
That's all right, love.
Anything for a pretty lady.
Hey, are we finishing early tonight?
Yeah, we do, don't we?
Yeah.
You doing anything this evening?
What's it Thursday?
Oh, yes, my bingo night.
Bingo?
Yeah.
You taking someone?
Yeah, I take my mum.
Oh.
You take your mum out often?
Oh, no.
Only Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
Why do you ask?
Well, I don't know.
They're opening a new bar down the Red Lion.
I thought you might like to take me.
Still, I suppose I could just go and check.
Oh, no.
No, I'm not committed.
I'm not committed, no.
What about your mum?
I don't have to ask her.
I do as I like, you know.
I'll just tell her I've got another date.
Right.
I'll see you there at seven.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Don't look so worried.
It'll be better than bingo.
You know, I want to look my best tonight, love.
I think you'd better put three extra curls at the back.
What for, mum?
Well, you know what it is at bingo.
When they shout, eyes down, everybody sees the back of your head.
Oh, that'll be Stan.
Put the kettle on, love, will you?
And cheer him up.
You may have had a very trying day with this new conductor.
Hi, mum.
Hello, love.
Timo, be a minute.
I'm just having me hair finished off for tonight.
Oh, tonight.
Sorry, mum, I can't take you to bingo tonight.
They've bunged me on a late-night shift.
A late-night
But you've been working all day.
You haven't got the strength.
Oh, I'll manage.
Is your new conductor doing late-night shift with you?
Yes, yes, yes.
What's he like?
Is he like Jack?
No, very different.
In what way?
In every way, really.
But very nice, very nice.
Oh, good.
Tell me all about him over your cup of tea.
Well, I can't wait for a cup of tea, mum.
I've got to nip upstairs and get changed.
Changed?
For work?
But you don't have to change when you're on the late-night shift.
I'm sorry, mum.
What I meant is I've got to have a wash and a shave to get back to work.
He sounds remarkably chirpy for someone who's going to work late.
Oh, well, I expect he's thinking of all the overtime.
Yeah.
What are you going to do tonight, Arthur?
I think I'm getting my bronchitis.
Yeah, well, I think I'm going down a red line.
Arthur, you're not going on the drinking, are you?
Er, no.
No, I've got a railway union local branch meeting.
De-de-de-de-de-de-de.
De-de-de-de-de.
There's only one thing for it, Stan, mate.
You'll have to change in the gents when you get at the red line.
I'm off now, mum.
Don't wait up for me.
Good night.
No, wait!
Aren't you going to kiss your mum?
Er, what?
Yes.
I should hope so.
What are you doing with your vest suit?
Yes, er, I thought I'd nip it into having it cleaned.
Cleaned?
But I had it done last week.
Yeah, I know you did, but there's a stain on it.
Really?
Well, somewhere, uh
Anyway, I thought I'd put one into the all-night cleaners, and then, uh, I
could pick it up on me way home.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
We'll make a loan.
Now, I've, uh
Yes, I've got something else.
I've got a couple of dresses here, two pullovers, and I've got my blue, uh, my
blue overcoat as well.
There you are, love.
Mum, uh, it's all right, isn't it?
Oh, don't forget me dressing gown.
Oh, bloody, wait a minute.
It's a pair of my trousers, isn't it?
Yeah, well, uh, they've got two machines.
You may as well take the washing as well.
Yeah, but wait a minute.
No, just
There we are, love.
There you are.
Mum, I can't carry all this, love.
Can I?
No, of course you can't.
Look, I'll take it in the morning with your suit.
Give it to me.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll go in.
Mum?
Yes, love?
Mum, it's about Stan.
Arthur caught sight of him tonight.
Driving his bus?
No, drinking in the Red Lion.
Stan?
In the Red Lion?
Arthur?
Yeah?
You tell mum.
Yeah, well, I'm the, uh, last person in the world to cause trouble, as you well
know.
But I did catch him in the Red Lion tonight drinking with a female.
Oh?
Who was she?
Well, I've checked up with his mates at the depot.
It appears it's his new clippy.
His new clippy?
Oh, he never mentioned it.
Oh, I hope they popped into the pub after his late night shift.
She was his late night shift.
I mean, it's none of my business, but I, uh, checked up and they've been
together all evening.
Is she a nice type of girl?
Fastest piece in the depot.
Oh, don't you mean she goes out with anyone?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, just, uh, friends and strangers.
Yeah, she's looking for a husband.
Wants some mud to keep her.
Oh, fancy a girl doing that?
Yeah, well, lots do.
Oh, there's a door.
Yeah?
Oh, it's back.
Oh, it's not late anyway.
Now, now, don't you say anything to him.
I'll have a little chat in the morning.
Right, ma'am.
See you.
Are you scared?
Uh, yes, ma'am.
Shall I come down and make you some cocoa?
Uh, no, no, don't bother.
I'll get it myself, ma'am.
Stop.
Go.
Ruddy laundry all the way from the river.
Hey, what are you trying to do?
Weaken my resistance?
Now, we're going to the parlour.
We won't be disturbed in there.
All right.
He's dead.
They're yours.
OK, I'll go and talk to you.
OK, 21.
What, what?
Come up a minute.
I want to talk to you about the leadership.
Oh, uh, yes.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, I won't be a minute, ma'am.
I'm just coming up.
Uh, just a moment.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm just slipping into me working trousers.
Well, thanks for the compliment.
Who do you keep your best ones for?
I just want to slip up to see the old lady.
See, I want to find out something.
You've left it a bit late, haven't you?
Look, if you're going out to ask your mummy's advice, I'm off.
No, no.
No, no.
All right.
Oh, look here.
Now, look here, Sam.
Make up your mind.
Who do you want to kiss goodnight?
Me or her?
Yeah, yeah.
Mum!
Remember, it's Thursday.
I'm doing me football pulls.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Come on.
Let's have some mood music.
Something smoochy.
What have you got?
Uh, Abide With Me by the Luton Girls' Choir.
Oh, my God.
Haven't you got a non-vocal?
Uh, Skater's Waltz by the Foden's Motorworks Band.
Is that all?
No, she's got stacks more down here.
Oh, don't bother.
Don't bother.
Here.
Come and sit down.
There's no room.
It's all right.
I'll make some.
Come here.
Here.
There's someone talking downstairs.
I think he's brought that woman back.
Oh, no.
He's just been on the telly.
What, at this time of night?
There's something very funny going on down there and it doesn't sound like the
epilogue.
Here, Sam.
What?
Why don't you put the light off?
Yeah, why not?
Here.
Look, I think they're here.
Look, according to you, they're spread over the china cabinet.
I hope he's remembered to take the cactus plant off.
No, no.
They're on the sofa now.
Aye.
Oh, this is terrible.
What can you hear?
Nothing.
Oh!
What's that?
Blimey, what's that?
What's what?
I don't know.
There's something sharp sticking into me.
Put the light on.
What is it?
Oh, look at that.
Somebody's sat there knitting down there.
It's Mum.
It's Mum.
If she snagged my tights, I'll snag her.
That wasn't Stan screaming.
That was her.
Stan would hurt no one.
Who says he's hurting her?
Wait a minute.
They're off again.
They're moving.
Come on.
They're running past us, too.
I don't know what's going on here.
I really, really don't know what's going on here.
I don't know.
I really
You know, I've lost the scent.
They're playing musical chairs by the sound of it.
Look, if you're so worried, why don't you go downstairs?
I can't just walk in on them.
No, but there are other ways you can let them know you're listening.
Oh, really?
Oh, no, it's all right.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Blimey, don't sit down like that.
I've dropped a stitch.
If you're going to sit here doing your knitting, I'm off.
No, no, it's not fair.
No, come on.
Yes, I am.
No, come on, come on.
Well, I suppose I'd better really, before you get out your crochet hook.
What's the matter now?
It's Mum's cat staring at me.
Well, put the light off.
That's no good.
It can see in the dark.
Now, perhaps you'll go off to sleep.
I'll go off to sleep before he does.
No, all right, I'll put the light out.
I'll put the light out.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm taking him in a snack.
They're not going to knock off for a tea break, you know.
Well, if they're eating, they can't do nothing else, can they?
Mum, look what I found in the hall.
Stan's trousers.
His trousers.
Well, maybe we're too late for the food.
No, no, it's all right.
He changed into his suit when I saw him in the pub.
Oh, fine, that's a big relief.
I'll take this in straight away, that's what I'll do.
Stan, why are you sitting in the dark?
The bulb went, Mum, you know.
Really?
Well, it's all right now.
It must have been on the blink.
I had no idea you had company.
No, I'm sorry, Mum.
Mrs Iris, she works on the buses.
Evening.
Pleased to meet you, love.
Yes, if I'd known you was coming, I'd have stayed up.
I just made some kipper sandwiches for Stan and a cup of cocoa.
I'll get another cup for you.
Oh, don't bother.
Oh, no bother.
No bother at all.
There you are.
Well, I'll be getting along.
Here, do you want one?
Kipper and cocoa?
Well, it's hardly oysters and champagne, is it?
No, you're right, Iris.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh!
Look, Stan, I brought you another bulb in case that one goes again.
Oh, well, you never know what can happen in the dark.
You might spill your cocoa.
Blimey, this is impossible.
Look, she's gone to bed now.
I'm sure she has.
Come.
Oh, but she has.
Now, come on.
She's gone to bed.
Come.
Here we are, love.
I forgot to give you your Bismuth.
He always takes it every night before he goes to bed.
I'll get your spoon.
And then I
Oh, it's like a swan I am, my washing up.
Really good.
That shows you how very forgetful I'm getting.
Oh, you spilled your cocoa.
I'll get some more.
No!
Oh, it's no trouble.
I've got it in the pan.
I don't want your blasted cocoa.
Really?
Well, I'll get you some tea.
Oh, well, thanks very much.
It's been a very sexy evening, hasn't it?
Kipper sandwiches, cocoa, and your mum's bloomers.
Well, I'm sorry about that, Iris, but she was just trying to be nice to you, in
a way, I suppose.
I didn't come here to be nice to your mum.
No, well, she's upset because it was her bingo night.
It may have been a bingo night, but it wasn't her bingo night, mate.
It certainly wasn't mine.
I know that, Iris, but Iris, don't go, love, because
I am going, love.
Good night.
Oh, has she gone?
You know she's gone.
I think perhaps it's as well.
I don't think she's got anything to offer you, you know.
You didn't give me time to find out, did you?
It's always the same.
Every time I bring a guy into this house, you're the same, aren't you?
In and out, in and out, all the time.
I'm not a kid, you know, I'm not your school.
I'm going upstairs.
Are you going to bed?
No, I'm going to have a cold bath.
Morning, Sam.
Oh, hello, Jack.
Who are the fans for?
Iris, sort of a peace offering, you know.
Haven't seen her around, have you?
No, not likely to either.
She's put in for a transfer.
Oh, no.
Well, I'm not going to odd you out in a few minutes.
Who's my new conductor?
It's me.
Oh, I'm back with you.
Darling, can I have the flowers?
Oh, Stan.
Oh, I'm glad I've brought you.
I've brought you your lunch, love.
Oh, thanks, Mum.
Thank you very much, Mum.
Mum, I'm sorry about last night and the way I rushed off enough this morning.
That's all right, love.
Here.
Some flowers for you.
Oh, Stan.
Oh, they're very nice.
I really don't deserve it.
Yes, you do.
Come on, Jack.
We ought to do that.
Mum!
Yes, love?
I know I've given you the flowers, but if you don't come out of it, they'll be
putting them on top of you.