Piglets (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

You all right? What
are you looking for?
Hand? Blow? Anal? Toe?
Hi, Mum. Oh, hello, love!
What are you doing here?
You changed the Wi-Fi
password again. Oh, we did.
Oi! You're not getting
paid to chat shit
Hello, son! Oh, yep.
Tim, what did we change
the Wi-Fi password to?
Wasn't it, "Get in
the van, you slag"?
But the "you" is a
letter U, all lower case.
Well, isn't this sort of undercover
thing for, like, lower ranks?
You've got to keep
your hand in, son.
He's always got
his hand in. Gross.
Oi!
If you're here to spray a cock and
balls on the sign, you can piss off.
Er, trainee! Early
bird catches the worm.
Don't you call me a worm, or
I'll put a hex on your vagina.
I wasn't. Is that even a thing?
As it happens, I'm in
rather a good mood,
so I'm gonna let that one slide.
I, erm I was at
an all-night party.
I haven't actually
been home. Oh, right.
Just nipping in for a quick
refresh of the old pits and bits.
It's 40 winks on the crash
mat and at my desk by nine,
and I said "winks", before
you start visualising
all sorts of
nonsense, you weirdo.
Are you drunk? How dare you?
I have inexpensive implants that
render me somewhat lopsided.
Oh, no! Your shoe
fell. Thank you.
Want a hand?
It's a throbbing
bollock of a situation.
I can't make it any
clearer than that.
Could you try? Jesus.
Surveillance think we
have a prune in the nest.
It's not difficult, Bob.
Intel from the CIC is limited.
Sorry, CIC? Cocks In Charge.
No details. We just know that he
or she is connected to an OCG.
Organised Crime Group. Yes.
And the NCA aren't happy.
It's the National Crime
Agency. I know, wanker.
They suspect the plan is
to get this fucker trained,
and then a year or two later,
get them into an AC unit.
Air Conditioning. What?
AC unit. Anti-Corruption.
It's also that, yes,
but I dare say he or
she may at some point
have to squeeze themselves into
a ventilation shaft or some such.
HE CLICKS TONGUE,
BLOWS RASPBERRY
Yes.
Has anyone got a pen? Steph?
Oh, Afia, have you got a pen?
SHE SCOFFS OK. Gotta
bagsy my chair.
Oh, yeah. I'm, er, putting
my name down for Cheese Club.
Cheese Club? Yeah,
I love cheese.
It says Chess Club,
Paul. Oh, shit.
I don't know how to play chess.
Hi, Geeta. Hotel India.
SHE GASPS Hotel India.
Bravo Uniform November?
Bravo Uniform November!
Yankee Uniform Mike! Mike, Mike.
Let him go, Steph. Let
him go. Paul? Hotel India?
You what? Hotel India.
Maybe. I mean, I've only
ever been Spain before.
I'll think about it, yeah?
And how's the new battalion
shaping up? Early days, Chief.
Like, primordial soup
kind of early. Ooh, soup.
Yes, the danger with
quotas to fill, I suppose.
You open the floodgates and get
absolutely drenched in arseholes.
And we're not looking for
arseholes. Quite the opposite.
What? Front holes?
Ah, just the person!
If anyone can tell us about clamping
down on arseholes, it's Melanie. Ah!
They taste a bit like chicken,
apparently. Ooh, chicken.
Yes, well, ears to
the ground, everyone.
But anything you need,
I'm here for you.
I don't believe in leading
from the rear, you know that.
I lead from the front, on
the streets, in the trenches.
Wherever I'm needed,
that's where I'll be
PHONE PINGS AND
VIBRATES Oh, excuse me.
Erm Well, I've
been sacked. Sacked?
You go to one leaving
do as Stephen Hawking!
Well, that just
doesn't make sense.
Stephen Hawking's an
incredibly brainy astronaut.
HE SCREAMS
Bastards! Ooh!
Apologies. Mm.
Apologies.
Tren Do we have trenches?
Bob, a very large vacancy
has just opened up.
Or maybe he meant truncheons.
Cunningham gone, eh?
SHE CHUCKLES
Well, that's really put
some lead in my nipples. Hm!
MUTTERING: Trenches
THEY GIGGLE
I mean, why'd they put all
the sexy ones in that group?
They didn't, it's just random.
Doesn't look random to me.
Why's Steph in this group, then?
Yes, exactly. Thank you, Paul.
Well, it's cos she's
almost sexy, but not quite.
And you're sexy
over my dead body?
I heard, yeah, they're all having
sex with each other already.
Are they? Why aren't
we all having sex?
Maybe we just don't have
them sexual vibes, you know.
Maybe we're the sexless
ones. Or the married ones?
I'm sexy. Yeah.
But you have to let
other people say it, Dev,
cos you don't want to
come across like Steph.
I never said I was
sexy. Pretty much.
OK! I'm a massive, ugly goblin.
LEGGO AND DEV SIGH
Oh, now look what you've done.
That's my chair!
Did you bring it from
home? It's MY chair.
I have to sit there.
Is it a magic chair?
Like, do you use it to
suck up police procedures
through your bum hole?
All right, settle.
SHE CLEARS THROA
What does that word
make you think of?
Winnie The Pooh?
And that is an example of
a trigger, a button pusher.
Whether you know it or not,
you will have a button.
Might be your restricted
height, er, your jug ears,
colour, gender, your tiny teeth.
You'll be screamed at, spat at,
pissed on, jizzed
on, and puked over,
all for who you are and the
uniform you so proudly wear.
Yeah, I get called too pretty
a lot, which is quite annoying.
Oh, my family used to call me
runty. My mother wanted to drown me.
So, get to know your buttons,
people. Push them yourselves.
Poke them. Probe them, even!
Again and again and again,
until they are worn
down to a nubbin.
Because if you let others push
that button for you, all is lost.
You will be tempted to
overreact, trust me.
You will really, really,
really, really want to kill.
You OK, Paul? Yeah, sorry.
I didn't hear anything
after "nubbin".
I've had all sorts thrown at me. I
like the pink, round coconut ones.
All sorts of insults.
Many of which have been both
very hurtful and very accurate.
"Massive bitch" was
fair, certainly.
But I did draw the line
recently at "withered hag",
especially as I'd been declared
barren that very morning.
Did you just write
down "withered hag"?
You don't have to write down
every single thing I say.
Stop writing.
Put the titting pen
down and listen.
Put
down
the
pen!
No!
Wait, isn't it baroness
rather than baron for a lady?
I was declared
barren. Infertile.
Ah, gotcha. Condolences.
I'm not dead. Right, that is it!
Nobody is to lend this student
any form of writing apparatus
for the rest of the day.
Is that clear?
ALL: Yes. STEPH: Yes, Ma'am.
OK.
Go and take a piss
break if you must.
And by that, I am referring to
the canteen coffee, obviously.
SHE CHUCKLES
AFIA SIGHS
IDLE CHATTER
Room for a petite one? Ah,
look, it's staff only, yeah?
Hello. Are you a bit
lost, are you, love?
Love? Student Officer
Jackson, you mean?
Student officer (!)
Shmudent shmofficer.
Look, Steph. The
staff, we sit together.
The students also sit together,
but at different tables, yeah?
So, sort of like an
apartheid system? Yes.
No, Daz, not like an
apartheid system at all.
Well, a little bit.
How come he gets to call you
Steph, then? Oh, I'm so sorry.
Erm We're a thing. We're
not. We're not a thing.
Well, how would you
describe it? As not a thing.
Hang on. You two have done it.
Well, that's an understatement,
because, yes, we have.
You got your bird
to join up? No.
Yeah, pretty much.
He did the big, hard sell on
the police, the little scamp.
IMITATING: Little
scamp. HE LAUGHS
Fuck me. Fair play, mate.
You got it on tap now, 24-7.
Any time you need a slippery
one, wham, bam, nice one.
Oh, Jesus, Daz, there's
ladies present, yeah? Yes-ah!
Although he's got a
point. Bye. Bye, Mike.
Hi, Steph.
Yeah, just some chips,
please. Chips, eh?
Don't get much call
for special orders.
You want that sort of thing, you
have to come round to the back.
Karen, you take over.
I mean, I don't I
don't have to have chips.
It's me, you fool! Aunty Nooch.
Aunty Nooch? Oh, I didn't
recognise you with the tabard.
I haven't seen you in
ages. How have you been?
It's great you got a job. I mean,
you've only been out a month
Oh, right. Yeah.
Cousins thought if they were
gonna have someone on the inside,
they should have someone
else on the inside
to keep an eye on the
first person on the inside.
But all they said to me was,
"Get bedded in,
instructions would follow."
First of all, there
ain't no beds.
Second of all, I can't
find any instructions.
This is your instructions.
You've got to get a flash drive.
Oh. All right, well, I think
Ryman's does them, so Wait!
It's in Superintendent
Spry's office. Oh.
With a green luggage
label. Big Cheese needs it.
Big cheese? Oh, I didn't know
cheese would be involved.
That's brilliant.
How do you think you
got through the vetting?
I don't know what vetting is.
Christ. Just go and find it.
I heard what you said
about chips back here.
Oh.
Chips.
Yeah. Yeah, chips.
Yeah, chips.
KNOCK ON DOOR Mmm.
Here we are, Sir.
Timetable and notes for
this morning's session,
freshly highlighted by me.
Ah, de-escalation. AS
A ROBOT: De-escalate.
De-escalate.
Oh, it's very, very sad,
isn't it, about the, erm,
about the Chief Super?
But I do wonder what that
might mean for you, Sir.
Ah, yes. It means I should
probably send a card.
"Sorry you got the sack." Sir,
hypothetically, if someone
were to do all the work
so you didn't have to worry
and entered you for
Entered me?
for, say, Britain's Got Talent,
you would do it, wouldn't you?
Britain's Got Talent?
HE STUTTERS What?
We're doing what?
Oh, I don't know. You're
very, very, very skilled.
HE STUTTERS
Britain's Got Talent.
I could see that happening,
in which case, I would
graciously accept.
And Oh, no, look, the
three dots has come up again.
Oh, let me get that
for you, Sir Bob.
HE GROANS
Ah, yeah, yeah, it's
gone. It's gone. Mmm.
Paul, Paul! Can I
have my pen back?
Pen? What did it
look like? Pen-like.
The one I gave you this
morning at the notice board.
Oh, well, the superintendent
said we wasn't to give you a pen.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She said
no-one was allowed to lend me a pen.
And you're not. You're giving me
back a pen I'd already lent to you.
Well, I think I
lent it to Spencer.
Sorry (?) You lent a pen you
borrowed to someone else?
Well, no, I I gave
it to him, really.
Wasn't planning on
asking for it back.
Oh, my God, which
one's Spencer? Thor.
Thor? Looks a bit like
Thor, son of Odin.
He's part of the sexy group.
You know how some people
are so good-looking,
you sort of feel bad asking
them to give you a pen back.
No. No, I don't. Hang
on, wait a minute.
I think Spencer
gave it to Steph,
probably when she was asking him
if she could join the sexy group.
Steph. Right. All
right, in a bit.
BOB EXHALES
Ah, Bob. Mm?
I am throwing my
hat into the ring.
What, your actual hat or
your "metabolical" hat?
Am I wearing a hat?
No, but you you could
have one in your bag.
Am I carrying a
bag? No, but you
you could have a bag with
a hat in it in your locker.
I don't. Well, keep it
under your imaginary hat.
Could be nothing.
I think I might be appearing
in Britain's Got Talent.
WHISPERS: Fuck's sake.
Ah, Melanie! I would
like to be a contender.
Well, you won't
win. I will win.
Win what? What are
you talking about?
What are you talking about?
Cunningham's position.
CV. Application form.
Right, right, right.
Can it wait until I've done the
same for Bob Superintendent Weekes?
Another worthy applicant.
Oh, you're shitting me.
Bob The Bellend?
He's never shown the
slightest interest
in any big job before,
for fuck's sake.
He wouldn't be doing this just
to get on my tits, would he?
Has he any interest
in your tits, Ma'am?
Well, I wouldn't
have thought so, no.
Well, that's a huge relief
SHE WHISPERS: ..for some of us.
What is that hippy shit?
That's my twat catcher.
Your twat catcher?
If the little feathers flutter
or the little bells tinkle,
it means there's a
wrong 'un nearby.
Well, we catch twats with
modern detective methodology,
Melanie, not with
new age mumbo jumbo.
It's my gut instinct in
feather and willow hoop form.
It's cultural
appropriation. Grow up.
BELLS CHIME
It works!
Well, I tried.
HE SIGHS
Er
Are you wanking? What? No.
Then what are you doing, then?
HE STUTTERS Well, yeah,
no, I was wanking.
You can't just go
around rubbing your cock
and blasting one off
on police property.
What, are you trying to fuck
that filing cabinet or what,
you weird fuck?
I've just been really
stressed at work and all that.
Oh, yeah, that old story!
I've just been really stressed,
and I had to find a filing
cabinet and jizz everywhere.
Get out! Yes, Sir.
Ah! I'm sorry.
Yeah, urgh! HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
HE SNORTS Bloody perv.
Steph. Pen? My pen?
Right, here's a lovely long
word for you. De-escalation.
How might we go about
that? Huggins, any ideas?
De-escalation.
Could use a tablet.
Beg your pardon?
Or, like, a sachet?
Because we've got, like, a
coffee machine and there's
there's a sachet, and
you put the sachet
No, no, what you've got
there is descaling. Oh.
It's not quite the same thing.
There's not much call for descaling
in everyday police work. No.
Can anybody help Huggins there
with a definition of de-escalation?
Erm, is it when you use
IN A CARIBBEAN ACCENT:
the escalators?
Racist. What? It's
just an accent.
Mocking a historically
oppressed race.
Which wasn't what I was
doing. Doesn't matter.
It's how it's
perceived that counts.
Well, he said "de-escalation"
first. You wrote it on a board!
I didn't mean it racistly.
Well, welcome to my world.
Try telling her that. Do
you want to get thrown out?
Erm yes. Yeah.
Well, nice try. HE CHUCKLES
Come on, everyone.
Look at this. What's
this word here? Triggers.
Can somebody say something that
they think might trigger me?
Anything you like. I've
been in the force 38 years.
Anything you like.
Give it both barrels.
Come on, try and upset
me. You've underachieved.
Not, not that. Why not that?
Cos I say so. No, but
it's true, though.
Tell me I'm fat. You're
a fat underachiever.
No, just the fat.
You don't get to pick
which insults you get
on the street, do you?
No, cos on the street,
people aren't gonna know
THINK that I have underachieved,
because I haven't,
so that's quite
IMITATING PHONE: Brrp-brrp.
So sorry, it's a text now. What's
It's not, that's an orange.
Oh, so much, so, so many
Oh, I knew it. I've got to
be somewhere pretty urgently,
so hard being important and
in charge of things and
Come, get your skates on,
will you, Bob? Oh, gosh.
Right, now
That was a good lesson. Yeah.
Steph, can I have my pen back?
What pen?
She's got my pen, my favourite
pen, and she won't give it back!
Who has a favourite pen?
What are you, eight?
So, why won't you
give her her pen back?
Did you lick it? Or
put it somewhere gross?
No, I haven't got her stupid
pen. She borrowed it from Thor,
who got it from Paul,
who borrowed it from me.
But she says she hasn't got it.
Why are you believing
her? I don't know.
She just looks more honest
than you. SHE SCOFFS
It's not a race thing.
I-I just fancy her more.
How can you fancy a
pen thief? Pen thief?
Yeah, what is the mark-up on
them bad boys? Is it, like, 30%?
And do you cut it and shut it or
do you, like, strip it for parts?
Not about the pen. It IS about
the pen, because with no pen,
I have no notes, and with no
notes, I won't know everything.
And if I don't know everything,
I won't get to be
policewoman of the year,
and if I don't get to be
policewoman of the year,
my dad will treat me like a girl
and won't let me borrow the
big car like my brothers!
STEPH AND LEGGO:
Wow. GEETA: Told you.
OK, what you need
right now is a pen.
Here, have my pen.
It's made of dreams.
SHE SCREAMS
HE GRUNTS
I heard a crunch.
Melanie, I think I've
had a brilliant idea.
That doesn't surprise me, Sir.
You are an extraordinary
human being.
Here goes. I am going to
apply for Cunningham's job.
Oh! Well, my word,
that is clever.
Well, I'm not one to
underachieve, as you know,
so I may have to put
Britain's Got Talent on hold
and enter the fray.
Obviously, I realise
that Superintendent Spry
has also applied, but, er
we are very much equals,
so, it should be a good scrap.
Mm, and don't forget you'd
have me on your side, Sir.
Good to have you in my corner.
What, actually? No, as
in the boxing, you know.
You will be my second.
Was there a first?
Yes, there was.
Jennifer Hepburn.
I was 17, and she
smelt of wet cardboard.
No, they'll throw her
out for this, 100%.
No! Leggo, please?
PAUL: What's going on?
This one bit this one.
Fucking hell, where? Over
there, by the lockers.
No, which bit of
him did she bite?
My fucking fanny finger.
Oh, no, that's gross.
I'm actually on Afia's side now.
Anyone who has a fanny finger
deserves to have it bitten off.
Right, Steph, you can have
the pen. Keep it, it's OK.
Just PLEASE don't tell anyone.
I don't have your bloody
pen. Don't start that again.
He's gonna snitch
on me. You bit me.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
My kids bite each other
all the time. There's no
Oh. OK, yeah, you need to get
that looked at. Not by you.
A shark with tiny teeth has savaged
my second most important appendage.
And now Afia's bitten it as well.
Oh, he's had no luck, has he?
THEY GRUNT Oi, you know
what I like? Right?
Yeah? And that's
in films, yeah?
Yeah. Where you think a guy
has run out of bullets, but
I'll tell you what Mike
likes. OK, boundaries, yeah?
Trainer's area.
Sorry, I just, erm
I just need to talk to Mike
about something, er, personal.
What is wrong with you? Have
you got the mental health?
Above his bed,
he's got a picture of himself in
just a thong and aviator shades.
I bet he has. OK. So
What, what are you doing?
Oh, sorry, am I over sharing?
Can you just stop it? Stop
it. Stop your mouth.
Well, can you just admit
that we're a thing?
OK. OK.
We're a thing. No, no, no.
So the caveman can hear.
All right, we're a thing.
Oh, my God, Mike, stop
going on about it.
It's embarrassing. Wow.
You know, she reminds me
of my dad's ferret, Tina.
Once she bit, she never let go.
We had to have her put down
while she was biting
my dad's inner thigh.
Yeah, that's Steph.
Shame all the fit ones
have the mental health.
HE GRUNTS
IDLE CHATTER
Fantastic. Pint for you, mate.
Oh-ho, legend! So, did
they ask you what happened?
Well, yeah.
Now, obviously, I could have
said it was a sex injury.
Who bites during sex?
Not you, clearly.
What do you mean by that? Oh,
watch out. It's Hannibal Lecter.
Hide your fingers.
LEGGO CHUCKLES
Obviously, I'm really sorry
and all that, but did you?
Tell them about
you? I did. And
Really? Yeah.
It turns out I slipped and fell into
a yawning Alsatian in the dog unit.
I don't believe it. Well,
it's not true, is it?
You bit me.
No, I don't believe you did
something nice. No offence.
Hi. Good news about your pen.
So, I spoke to Spencer,
and he said he gave it
to Steve, not Steph.
See, I thought he said Steph. So,
yeah. That's Steph off the hook.
And, hey, at least I
can get my pen back.
Nah, Steve's went and flushed
it down the toilet, the mug.
He was trying to
unblock a monster.
Great news, Paul.
Yeah, no worries, mate.
Oi, Steph, turns out you
didn't take that pen after all.
Thank you for letting me know,
Paul. Yeah, you're welcome.
For someone who doesn't
want to be in the police,
covering up for your
colleague seems very cop-like.
Yeah, must have cop
juice in your blood.
You can be different from
your family, you know. Yes!
Yes, you can!
VOICE BREAKING: You
fucking can. AFIA: Mm.
You can. Anyone fancy
going down to the gym?
Oh, sorry, Dev, mate,
I've got Cheese Club.
Oh, wait. No, I haven't, have I?
No. Oh, I was looking
forward to that.
Oh. Mm.
You wearing slippers?
Yes, Melanie encourages me to look
after my arches, the kind girl.
Oh, I think you should know that
I've applied for the top dog job.
You do know what Cunningham's
job requires, right?
A lot of things, I imagine.
Being in charge, NOT dressing
up as Stephen Hawking.
It It's a position that calls
for intelligence, leadership,
hard work and intelligence.
Yes, I should coco.
Not a job for a terminally
ineffectual yes-man.
Yes, well, if you say so.
Somebody who lacks even
the basic knowledge
of the world around them.
Hang on. You're talking
about me, aren't you?
Stay in your lane, Bob!
You don't stand a tiddler's
chance of getting a job like this.
We shall see, and may the best
superintendent win. Ha-ha!
That's a cupboard. I know!
accessibility@itv.com
I know.