President Curtis (2026) s01e02 Episode Script
Triangle
1
Hey! Too far!
It's ominous down there!
So go get it ominously!
It's okay, little girl.
We'll take it from here.
Actually,
we'll take it from here.
Actually,
we'll take it from here.
Gentlemen!
We'll take it from here.
Who's that?
What did he say?
He's FBI!
He says he'll take it from here!
He can say that all he wants,
but we tend to take it
from here.
-Every time.
-Not this time.
Wait, Troy, what the hell?
Sorry, Bob.
I've always been MIB.
Yes, but you've never been
Majestic Level.
-Hank, what the hell?
-Sorry, Tyler.
Okay. Wow. I guess you guys
are taking it from here.
You think I'm taking
anything from anywhere
with this guy ever again?
Good point.
Why don't you two pricks
just take everything
from everywhere?
What do you think?
You want to take it from here?
With me?
My whole life, I've been
taking things from places.
Today it's from here,
tomorrow it'll be God knows what
from God knows where.
Just once,
I'd like to give it from here,
to someone
who can take it anywhere
That's beautiful, gentlemen,
but unnecessary.
Troy. Bob. Hank. Tyler.
-Yes, sir.
-Mister President. Sir.
-We'll take it from here.
-Is that the President?
I-I can't hear anything
that's going on.
We thought we were
taking it from here
My partner of 15 years
just revealed
-but the President is!
-they're a stranger!
I refuse to take this
personally,
but I will never trust
anyone again!
I couldn't parse most of that,
so I'm assuming the Coast Guard
is taking it from here?
-No!
-Okay!
That's all you had to say!
God-uh!
How does the Loch Ness Monster
wash up in Miami
wearing a prison jumpsuit?
Is Scotland exporting insanity
and doesn't Florida
have a surplus?
That jumpsuit isn't
from a normal prison.
It's from The Triangle,
America's secret
maximum security prison
at the heart
of the Bermuda Triangle.
We have a paranormal Guantanamo?
Well, we can't put a ghost
in a regular prison, Banks.
Because they would love it.
Because they'd walk
through the walls.
Unless they were ghost walls.
Oh, and you don't think
they'd love that?
The Triangle is supposed
to be a sealed box.
But pointier.
With less sides.
This is the fourth escape
in three years.
Hm.
It's almost like a sealed,
pointy box full of bad stuff
eventually erupts.
They should invent
a name for that.
Lava pyramid.
Our monster prison
isn't leaking monsters
because of chaos theory,
dorkatron.
All of these escapees
have happened under one warden.
And look at this
every single escapee
was registered in
the prison logs as deceased
before they could
have possibly escaped.
They're getting help
from the inside.
Corrupt guards?
Or you think it goes
all the way up to the warden?
I don't get paid to think.
I mean, I do a little,
but I get results through action.
It's time the Triangle
got a surprise inspection.
Marine style.
White gloves and armored boots.
With fine-toothed combs
on the toes of the boots.
3D-printed to fit
the insides of asses.
I am so pumped for this.
Good, because you're going in
undercover.
-As an inmate.
-Wait, wha sir?
It does makes sense to go in
from the top and the bottom.
We'd never know
which guards are corrupt
by asking a warden
that's complicit or oblivious.
You're a man I can trust,
and, as a half-leprechaun,
you'd be fast-tracked
to the Triangle.
I'm a man you can trust because
I hate that I'm half-leprechaun.
I literally never lie.
I can't pretend
to be a criminal.
Who says you'd be pretending,
you fancy,
gold-sucking, rainbow-loving
piece of shit?
-Sir.
-No. No.
I know what you're doing.
I stole yer lucky charms,
me boy!
What what is happening?
He's trying to goad me
into assaulting him
by saying lepre-phobic shit,
which makes zero sense
because I'm already ashamed
of my paranormal ethnicity.
You love your mother.
Damn! Can't believe I got
put next to the guy
who assaulted the President
with a stapler.
What'd they get you for?
Eh, lured some schoolgirls
into the woods,
made 'em stab each other.
But they got me on tax evasion.
Sorry, I-I gotta sit down.
Actually kind of excited, sir.
It's my first recon mission.
And based on our
recent field work,
I've adopted a more versatile
system of safety protocols.
Don't nerf yourself
for my sake, Banks.
I do dangerous work, and I need
dangerous people on my team.
Whew!
Faster than a velociraptor,
but still slower than a baby yeti.
Also, how dangerous do you
really want your people?
Our country has a secret
detention center for freaks,
and your only problem
is that sometimes they get out.
It's not a prison
for quirky X-Men
and sexy scissorhands, Banks.
It's the only place capable
of housing literal monsters
that commit actual crimes.
So I should be a dangerous freak
but never a criminal monster.
-And the difference is?
-You're on my team.
Mr. President!
We're entering the Triangle's
outer fringe!
This is as far
as Air Force One can go.
What?
But we're still in the air.
Yep.
Time to change planes.
Deploying umbilical!
Secured and ready
for passengers!
Hello, Mister President!
Welcome aboard!
Thanks for the assist, Amelia.
Wait, Amelia?
As in Earhart?
-The one and only, dollface.
-Ooh!
She's the only pilot that can
navigate the Bermuda Triangle.
FDR's people found her here
flying in circles,
so they put her in charge
of Triangle transit.
Classic FDR,
just giving out jobs.
Then Truman gave me
these babies!
Yes!
So she can never land?
Wouldn't want to, kid!
Love flying.
Landing?
That's for cars!
-Uhh
-We're here!
Here, put this on.
We parachute from here.
Okay, fun. Huge fan.
Thank you for all
you've done for Americans.
And women.
And lesbians.
You're welcome!
Wait, people are
still doing labels?
Whoo-hoo!
Alright, Banks, no matter
what this guy says or does,
remember we're not here
to make friends.
Mister President.
Warden Ken Jeffries.
Save the pleasantries, Warden.
I'm here for a full inspection.
Loud and clear, sir.
That's how we did it
in the Marines.
You're a Marine?
Three-Eight, Camp Lawson,
Okinawa.
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Yeah!
Oooooo-rah!
Um, guys?
My office is this way.
Want to march?
I was just gonna say!
I don't know
what I've been told!
I've been told
what I've been told!
Spirits! Aliens!
Mutants and Goo-gas!
Welcome to The Triangle!
You are here because
you have haunted, morphed,
doppelganged, eaten,
or maliciously laid eggs
in the greatest country
on Earth.
Your kingdom
is a fleeting dream.
If death cannot contain me,
how will you?
I am Dracu
Well, in here,
you are Prisoner 7-5-6-2.
If you open your mouth,
we will shut it.
If you extend a second,
telescoping mouth,
we will teleport you
into solid rock.
I don't want to hear
a single villain monologue
from you worms or a single worm
monologue from you villains.
From here on out, your ass,
ovipositor, pellet tube,
fecal portal,
or possessed car trunk
belongs to me!
Triangle mint
on a triangle tray?
-Thanks.
-I'm good.
I know what you're thinking
"That's a pretty pointy shape
to base an entire prison's
interior decor around."
But half of these animals
have razor-sharp bones,
and the other half can suck
your soul through your nostrils,
so why use a plastic
butter knife, right?
I'm mostly worried
about the very large,
triangular trophy displayed
on that remarkably high shelf.
Ah! You're thinking
if there's a big riot
and a climactic showdown
in this office,
I'll end up impaled
by a symbol of my hubris.
Well, if so,
I'll welcome that death.
Oo-rah!
But also we should talk about
how your prisoners escape a lot.
You're damn right we should.
This prison needs to be
locked down and sealed tight.
I've got a thousand guards,
and I can trust about 50.
-And they're all marines.
-Marines!
Guys, maybe we could
take a look at the site
of the Loch Ness Monster escape?
I mean, it's just a wall
with a big hole in it,
but if you really think
looking at it will help
Sorry.
I brought my boss.
Hey, Mister Newbie,
can I ask you a question?
Are you gonna squeal
like a piggy when I
rend and mince
the soft puckered flesh
of your sphincter?
Yeah, yeah.
You're a Soul Ganderer.
You can't touch people
that don't look at you.
He'll try to get you
with a mirror tonight.
I don't need a prison tutor.
Oh, that's probably true.
You are doing better
than Dracula.
Blah. Blah.
Blah.
Hey.
Nosfor-cock-tu.
You'll never be cool.
Uh-huh.
Hey, you scanning the room?
It's my job to scan.
He didn't mean any harm,
Metaldetectoid.
If I want any information
from you, I'll scan you.
The only thing
I'm scanning right now
is this half-breed's
triangle jello.
You should recalibrate.
Ah!
Ah, shit, my lens!
It's pretty crazy
he didn't scan that coming.
Oh, my God,
I-I'm seeing color bars!
This is where Nessie got out.
Triple-plated steel.
Electrified.
Voltage wasn't
Scottish Dinosaur-rated, though.
-That's on me.
-Takes a man to admit that.
What are all these doors?
Part of my new
inmate work initiative.
We have the prisoners
paint the doors.
I got the idea
from "Monsters, Inc."
Huh?
I got a prison
full of monsters, right?
-Why not put 'em to work?
-Right, right.
Like a one-eyed Billy Crystal.
That's what I called
my wiener in the Marines.
Hey!
Do that thing differently!
Sir, this is getting ridiculous.
You've completely dropped
your standards
and are letting this guy
slide on everything
-because he's a Marine.
-That's accurate.
But is that
what a Marine would do?
Nice try.
The answer is yes.
Because the marines are
pre-vetted by the Marines.
If you can be a Marine,
you can do anything.
As long as there's a Pixar movie
to guide you, I guess?
Would it be more rational
for them to make license plates?
Did that trope ever make sense?
He's just making
the place efficient.
Like the Post Office.
Ooh, goddamn,
I love the Post Office.
-Friends, my apologies.
-No problem.
You said you had
a voltage issue?
Should we look at
your power grid?
That is next to the game room.
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Yeah!
I'm just going to
check out some
Who cares? You're gone.
Whoa!
Sorry, can't let you do that.
New protocols
you said no snooping.
Yeah, but I think we just need
to crawl in this hole
and make sure.
Kinda defeats the purpose
of having guidelines.
You want me to deactivate
so you can do some bad shit?
No, no, I want guidelines.
It's just this once, okay?
If I do it again, you can
double down on the restrictions.
Sounds like a slippery slope,
but alrighty!
Hey. Those guards
you think they could help
move some contraband?
Yar! Narc much?
Yar-har-har-har!
He heard a rumor
you're an undercover cop.
Why would anyone think that?
Eh, I can't speak for them.
Me, I've got telepathic
filaments in my tentacles,
so I actually know you're
working for The President.
Hey, relax.
I'm telling you I know
because I want you to find
what you're looking for
before you get killed.
-And what am I looking for?
-It's not what.
-It's where.
-And where is that?
-Mm, let's just say you're
-Will you fucking stop?
So-rry! God-uh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ahh! Ugh!
Ugh! Ugh!
Jesus!
"Prisoner Not Found."
Why am I not surprised?
-Ow! What the hell?
-Hi again!
Looks like you're about to jack
into a dead sentient android.
-That's bad.
-I'm just accessing its memory,
probably to bring its killers
to justice.
But you said to double down
if you broke protocol again.
Oh, my God.
If I do something actually bad,
you can make it hurt.
Until then, override and
give me some damn flexibility.
Don't yell at me.
You programmed me.
Ahhh!
I-I can't take it anymore!
Hernandez, help me
tighten these restraints.
Is it a weird time to say
I'm morally conflicted about this?
No, it's the perfect time,
Hernandez!
Ahhh!
I need to find Hernandez.
Ugh.
Okay.
Side quest completed.
That's it. East Wing.
That's where Nessie went?
Guards tried to take him there,
and he went berserk.
Hell, I don't blame him
you go there, you never come back.
That's why the escapees
are registered as deceased
before they leave.
They're not being helped
from inside.
They're being marked for death
and doing their best to get out.
Yard time is over, freaks!
Get your ugly asses, carapaces,
and prehensile tails
back inside now!
Not you two.
You know what happens
when inmates try to find out
if we're corrupt, don't ya?
You reveal your corruption?
It's the least we can do.
Hey, Metaldetectoid, you hungry?
Yeah.
For unfinished beef.
How is this a threat?
I already beat this guy up
in one move.
And by scanning that move,
I extrapolated
your entire combat style.
Prepare to fight yourself!
Rahh!
Ahh!
Why would fighting yourself
be harder than fighting
a stranger?
I fight myself every day!
Hey! Hey!
Whoa, take it easy!
We get it, man! You're good
at kicking your own ass!
You get a pack of cigs
when you kill 'em.
Use your horns.
He's feisty.
If you think
I'm scared of a leprechaun,
you don't know goat.
You think I'm stupid?
I'm not fighting them
for a pack of cigs!
But I would do it
for a picture of your wife.
Deal.
Mm-mm-mmm.
What's a hot spider like her
even doing with a guy like you?
Maybe it's not really my wife.
Maybe I've been giving you
photos of spiders
to make you do shit.
Tangled in the web
of my own porn addiction.
We're eagle, globe, and anchor
We fight with piss and rancor
Semper Fi, that's my guy
Marines!
Yeah!
It's amazing, isn't it?
We were both soldiers,
and now we're each kings
of our own domains.
In a way, you've got a
harder country to run than I do.
Trying to contain
all these monsters.
Well, if they let me run it
the way I really want,
both of us could be happy.
The world is full
of different folks
And some of them are monsters
They're not like us,
so lock them up
And seal their screams forever
If the cells get full,
you cull the herd
And their deaths will be my
Ho! Whoa!
Okay, a little extreme.
I didn't know you'd go
full Nazi.
Aren't people who call
people Nazis the real Nazis?
Nope. Answer your phone.
This is Jeffries.
Christ. Alright, I'm coming.
-What was that?
-Fight in the yard.
A new leprenoid killed
20% of Cell Block D.
Uh, about that.
The "leprenoid's" mine.
Before I came, I, uh
I put him undercover
because I thought you might
be incompetent.
Oh.
Quite the "oo-rah" move.
Right?
But you can bring him up here.
He won't be causing you
any more trouble.
You're right about that.
"Guard button?"
Oh, wait what is this?
I'm sorry it had to come
to this, Curtis.
So really it's a door button.
The guards were already
waiting behind the door.
Also, you really think
you can get away with this?
I'm the President!
You're in the Bermuda Triangle.
It would have been weirder
if you'd made it back home.
Rgh! I guess you pushed the
"bag over the head" button?
Ugh!
Huh?
What is what is this?
Can't believe
I trusted that monster.
-Not always a bad thing, sir.
-O'Doyle?
I came in here
hating these freaks,
but I found kindness
in a radioactive Swamptopus.
Hi.
How radioactive is he?
Like a laptop on a crotch or?
Alright, test subjects
are locked in.
Canisters are online.
Begin the extraction!
Aghh! God in heaven!
Sir, I have a technique
for this
Imagine every scream brings
your mother closer to orgasm.
-What?
-So you deprive her of it!
Did the tank fill with anything?
-No, sir.
-Goddammit!
I added microchips
to the canisters.
How is it still not collecting
their screams?
Wait, you're seriously doing
a "Monsters, Inc."?
I told you I was!
You got it backwards, you idiot.
You're supposed
to use children for the screams.
That's what the doors are for!
We were eventually
going to connect them
to children's closets.
And then, of course
come the giggles.
Goddammit, how desperate was I
to connect with someone?
Check the wiring
and run it again!
Harder!
Hey, pal, this East Wing,
Room 213?
You know it.
Torture central.
You believe that's the
President of the United States
squealing in there?
Thank God.
I don't know how long
I could've sustained
that guard accent.
Urgh!
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Ahhh!
What do you think?
Do you like it?
What the fuck?
Why am I on fire?
I did what you asked!
You're trying to hack
into a federal prison.
Override!
Just open door 213!
Okay, okay.
Hmm, so many doors.
Might take a while to find that.
Hmm, let's see.
Oh, my God,
just open all the doors!
Ahh!
Thought you'd never ask!
I love us. Byeeee!
Ahh!
I'll never do it again!
Ooh! Pain's gone.
Might do it again.
Stop! Let me go!
All I did was lead
a troubled child
to an eternal realm
of light and love!
Never saw it.
Blah!
Yar-ha-ah-ha-har!
Oh shit! Oh, God!
I've been so mean to them!
Oh! Oh, no!
Oh, it's just you.
What are you gonna do,
turn into a bat?
No, no, no, no agh!
Meeting adjourned.
Check out me, Dracula,
in "Monster Squad," 1987.
What the hell is going on?
Thanks for the lift,
Evil Haunted Car.
I'm not haunted, I'm just evil
You!
It's time to chase you down
Ahh!
Banks!
Holy shit, way to go!
I know, right?
I'm kind of awesome.
I should've listened to you,
Banks.
I got so sucked up
in Marine culture
and bro-ing out,
I-I took my eyes off the ball.
I was wrong, too, sir.
There's things in here
that need to stay
locked up forever.
Yeah, but not all of them.
Hi.
So, all our lessons
cancel each other out?
Maybe the lesson is that,
together, we learn nothing.
Can we just go back
to that evil car?
I mean, if it was making up
original songs to communicate,
why not just talk?
So much extra work.
Right. Let's go!
TV ghost!
This is why you need
ghost walls!
Jeff Dunham should be
in this cell, not me!
Um, guys?
You wanna play a game?
It's called oopsies killsies.
Nobody look at her.
She can't hurt you
-if you don't look.
-I already did.
Yeah, obviously I did.
I said "um, guys"
to draw everyone's attention
to her.
Yeah, I looked at her, too.
Here comes the
predictable big voice!
Shit, shit, shit! Run!
Get ready to be
a head on my shoulders!
Sometimes the best way
to fly is to land!
Amelia!
-Whoa!
-Big assist!
You, ma'am, are a legend!
Well, now fucking what?
Stupid
It's over, you piece of shit.
You ruined it!
You know how long I plotted
to get that scream power?
Was any of today real?
Were you even a Marine?
Of course I was,
but I got kicked out
for killing another Marine
and pirating "Toy Story,"
not in that order.
So this whole time,
you were the real monster.
Obviously!
They gave me a trophy for it!
Oo-rah!
Ugh! Ow!
Ahh!
Ugh!
I saw this coming.
I set it up.
You better tell the people
that I-I died getting out
in front of it.
Ow!
Did that canister
just fill up with power?
It looks like he accidentally
invented a way to contain irony.
What? Didn't he just tape
microchips and wires
to the outside of a scuba tank
with a horn on it?
Okay, we get it.
Eh, that should do it.
All set, Mr. President.
Bit tricky figuring out
how to get a consistent signal
through a pocket
of intangible ether.
But you were in a pinch,
and you called Finch.
Yes, Finch,
you're a very memorable person.
Warden Earhart.
Amelia, you've got
a direct line to me now.
I want open communication
between the Triangle
and my office.
Of course, sir.
And do I get a secretary?
Is she gonna be hot?
Uhh, I-I'll see
what's in the budget.
Also how is the, uh, Swamptopus?
He's doing good.
Started tutoring other monsters,
trying to help them
get their GEDs.
See, in my day, I was a monster
for having boobies
and flying a plane.
These rag-a-muffins
deserve a chance
to be seen differently, too.
You're the boss, Amelia.
Thanks, Mr. President!
And good boobie-bye.
Welp, seems like our
secret monster Guantanamo's
finally in good hands.
And as for me,
instead of limiting my behavior
with painful internal protocols,
I've decided to trust myself
with a more subtle reminder.
Wait, which one is ringing?
They need to jiggle when they ring
so I have a visual cue.
I think it's the pentagram.
What happens if I answer
and they're not calling?
Then it calls them.
Hang on, I got this.
Alright, I'll add a jiggle.
God-uhh!
Sometimes monsters go to prison
Sometimes they don't
Sometimes
we're the real monsters
When the monster is our shame
But who's to blame
If we don't wash our balls?
Blah! Blah!
Who's that?
You don't want to fuck with him.
He used to get picked on,
but then he turned into a bat,
flew into
a prison guard's mouth,
and turned back into Dracula
inside the guy.
So, if I fight him,
I just need to keep
my mouth closed?
Are you talking about Dracula?
Mind your own business.
You did it now, fish!
Good girl, booboo.
Did you get any of that?
Hey! Too far!
It's ominous down there!
So go get it ominously!
It's okay, little girl.
We'll take it from here.
Actually,
we'll take it from here.
Actually,
we'll take it from here.
Gentlemen!
We'll take it from here.
Who's that?
What did he say?
He's FBI!
He says he'll take it from here!
He can say that all he wants,
but we tend to take it
from here.
-Every time.
-Not this time.
Wait, Troy, what the hell?
Sorry, Bob.
I've always been MIB.
Yes, but you've never been
Majestic Level.
-Hank, what the hell?
-Sorry, Tyler.
Okay. Wow. I guess you guys
are taking it from here.
You think I'm taking
anything from anywhere
with this guy ever again?
Good point.
Why don't you two pricks
just take everything
from everywhere?
What do you think?
You want to take it from here?
With me?
My whole life, I've been
taking things from places.
Today it's from here,
tomorrow it'll be God knows what
from God knows where.
Just once,
I'd like to give it from here,
to someone
who can take it anywhere
That's beautiful, gentlemen,
but unnecessary.
Troy. Bob. Hank. Tyler.
-Yes, sir.
-Mister President. Sir.
-We'll take it from here.
-Is that the President?
I-I can't hear anything
that's going on.
We thought we were
taking it from here
My partner of 15 years
just revealed
-but the President is!
-they're a stranger!
I refuse to take this
personally,
but I will never trust
anyone again!
I couldn't parse most of that,
so I'm assuming the Coast Guard
is taking it from here?
-No!
-Okay!
That's all you had to say!
God-uh!
How does the Loch Ness Monster
wash up in Miami
wearing a prison jumpsuit?
Is Scotland exporting insanity
and doesn't Florida
have a surplus?
That jumpsuit isn't
from a normal prison.
It's from The Triangle,
America's secret
maximum security prison
at the heart
of the Bermuda Triangle.
We have a paranormal Guantanamo?
Well, we can't put a ghost
in a regular prison, Banks.
Because they would love it.
Because they'd walk
through the walls.
Unless they were ghost walls.
Oh, and you don't think
they'd love that?
The Triangle is supposed
to be a sealed box.
But pointier.
With less sides.
This is the fourth escape
in three years.
Hm.
It's almost like a sealed,
pointy box full of bad stuff
eventually erupts.
They should invent
a name for that.
Lava pyramid.
Our monster prison
isn't leaking monsters
because of chaos theory,
dorkatron.
All of these escapees
have happened under one warden.
And look at this
every single escapee
was registered in
the prison logs as deceased
before they could
have possibly escaped.
They're getting help
from the inside.
Corrupt guards?
Or you think it goes
all the way up to the warden?
I don't get paid to think.
I mean, I do a little,
but I get results through action.
It's time the Triangle
got a surprise inspection.
Marine style.
White gloves and armored boots.
With fine-toothed combs
on the toes of the boots.
3D-printed to fit
the insides of asses.
I am so pumped for this.
Good, because you're going in
undercover.
-As an inmate.
-Wait, wha sir?
It does makes sense to go in
from the top and the bottom.
We'd never know
which guards are corrupt
by asking a warden
that's complicit or oblivious.
You're a man I can trust,
and, as a half-leprechaun,
you'd be fast-tracked
to the Triangle.
I'm a man you can trust because
I hate that I'm half-leprechaun.
I literally never lie.
I can't pretend
to be a criminal.
Who says you'd be pretending,
you fancy,
gold-sucking, rainbow-loving
piece of shit?
-Sir.
-No. No.
I know what you're doing.
I stole yer lucky charms,
me boy!
What what is happening?
He's trying to goad me
into assaulting him
by saying lepre-phobic shit,
which makes zero sense
because I'm already ashamed
of my paranormal ethnicity.
You love your mother.
Damn! Can't believe I got
put next to the guy
who assaulted the President
with a stapler.
What'd they get you for?
Eh, lured some schoolgirls
into the woods,
made 'em stab each other.
But they got me on tax evasion.
Sorry, I-I gotta sit down.
Actually kind of excited, sir.
It's my first recon mission.
And based on our
recent field work,
I've adopted a more versatile
system of safety protocols.
Don't nerf yourself
for my sake, Banks.
I do dangerous work, and I need
dangerous people on my team.
Whew!
Faster than a velociraptor,
but still slower than a baby yeti.
Also, how dangerous do you
really want your people?
Our country has a secret
detention center for freaks,
and your only problem
is that sometimes they get out.
It's not a prison
for quirky X-Men
and sexy scissorhands, Banks.
It's the only place capable
of housing literal monsters
that commit actual crimes.
So I should be a dangerous freak
but never a criminal monster.
-And the difference is?
-You're on my team.
Mr. President!
We're entering the Triangle's
outer fringe!
This is as far
as Air Force One can go.
What?
But we're still in the air.
Yep.
Time to change planes.
Deploying umbilical!
Secured and ready
for passengers!
Hello, Mister President!
Welcome aboard!
Thanks for the assist, Amelia.
Wait, Amelia?
As in Earhart?
-The one and only, dollface.
-Ooh!
She's the only pilot that can
navigate the Bermuda Triangle.
FDR's people found her here
flying in circles,
so they put her in charge
of Triangle transit.
Classic FDR,
just giving out jobs.
Then Truman gave me
these babies!
Yes!
So she can never land?
Wouldn't want to, kid!
Love flying.
Landing?
That's for cars!
-Uhh
-We're here!
Here, put this on.
We parachute from here.
Okay, fun. Huge fan.
Thank you for all
you've done for Americans.
And women.
And lesbians.
You're welcome!
Wait, people are
still doing labels?
Whoo-hoo!
Alright, Banks, no matter
what this guy says or does,
remember we're not here
to make friends.
Mister President.
Warden Ken Jeffries.
Save the pleasantries, Warden.
I'm here for a full inspection.
Loud and clear, sir.
That's how we did it
in the Marines.
You're a Marine?
Three-Eight, Camp Lawson,
Okinawa.
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Yeah!
Oooooo-rah!
Um, guys?
My office is this way.
Want to march?
I was just gonna say!
I don't know
what I've been told!
I've been told
what I've been told!
Spirits! Aliens!
Mutants and Goo-gas!
Welcome to The Triangle!
You are here because
you have haunted, morphed,
doppelganged, eaten,
or maliciously laid eggs
in the greatest country
on Earth.
Your kingdom
is a fleeting dream.
If death cannot contain me,
how will you?
I am Dracu
Well, in here,
you are Prisoner 7-5-6-2.
If you open your mouth,
we will shut it.
If you extend a second,
telescoping mouth,
we will teleport you
into solid rock.
I don't want to hear
a single villain monologue
from you worms or a single worm
monologue from you villains.
From here on out, your ass,
ovipositor, pellet tube,
fecal portal,
or possessed car trunk
belongs to me!
Triangle mint
on a triangle tray?
-Thanks.
-I'm good.
I know what you're thinking
"That's a pretty pointy shape
to base an entire prison's
interior decor around."
But half of these animals
have razor-sharp bones,
and the other half can suck
your soul through your nostrils,
so why use a plastic
butter knife, right?
I'm mostly worried
about the very large,
triangular trophy displayed
on that remarkably high shelf.
Ah! You're thinking
if there's a big riot
and a climactic showdown
in this office,
I'll end up impaled
by a symbol of my hubris.
Well, if so,
I'll welcome that death.
Oo-rah!
But also we should talk about
how your prisoners escape a lot.
You're damn right we should.
This prison needs to be
locked down and sealed tight.
I've got a thousand guards,
and I can trust about 50.
-And they're all marines.
-Marines!
Guys, maybe we could
take a look at the site
of the Loch Ness Monster escape?
I mean, it's just a wall
with a big hole in it,
but if you really think
looking at it will help
Sorry.
I brought my boss.
Hey, Mister Newbie,
can I ask you a question?
Are you gonna squeal
like a piggy when I
rend and mince
the soft puckered flesh
of your sphincter?
Yeah, yeah.
You're a Soul Ganderer.
You can't touch people
that don't look at you.
He'll try to get you
with a mirror tonight.
I don't need a prison tutor.
Oh, that's probably true.
You are doing better
than Dracula.
Blah. Blah.
Blah.
Hey.
Nosfor-cock-tu.
You'll never be cool.
Uh-huh.
Hey, you scanning the room?
It's my job to scan.
He didn't mean any harm,
Metaldetectoid.
If I want any information
from you, I'll scan you.
The only thing
I'm scanning right now
is this half-breed's
triangle jello.
You should recalibrate.
Ah!
Ah, shit, my lens!
It's pretty crazy
he didn't scan that coming.
Oh, my God,
I-I'm seeing color bars!
This is where Nessie got out.
Triple-plated steel.
Electrified.
Voltage wasn't
Scottish Dinosaur-rated, though.
-That's on me.
-Takes a man to admit that.
What are all these doors?
Part of my new
inmate work initiative.
We have the prisoners
paint the doors.
I got the idea
from "Monsters, Inc."
Huh?
I got a prison
full of monsters, right?
-Why not put 'em to work?
-Right, right.
Like a one-eyed Billy Crystal.
That's what I called
my wiener in the Marines.
Hey!
Do that thing differently!
Sir, this is getting ridiculous.
You've completely dropped
your standards
and are letting this guy
slide on everything
-because he's a Marine.
-That's accurate.
But is that
what a Marine would do?
Nice try.
The answer is yes.
Because the marines are
pre-vetted by the Marines.
If you can be a Marine,
you can do anything.
As long as there's a Pixar movie
to guide you, I guess?
Would it be more rational
for them to make license plates?
Did that trope ever make sense?
He's just making
the place efficient.
Like the Post Office.
Ooh, goddamn,
I love the Post Office.
-Friends, my apologies.
-No problem.
You said you had
a voltage issue?
Should we look at
your power grid?
That is next to the game room.
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Oo-rah!
-Yeah!
I'm just going to
check out some
Who cares? You're gone.
Whoa!
Sorry, can't let you do that.
New protocols
you said no snooping.
Yeah, but I think we just need
to crawl in this hole
and make sure.
Kinda defeats the purpose
of having guidelines.
You want me to deactivate
so you can do some bad shit?
No, no, I want guidelines.
It's just this once, okay?
If I do it again, you can
double down on the restrictions.
Sounds like a slippery slope,
but alrighty!
Hey. Those guards
you think they could help
move some contraband?
Yar! Narc much?
Yar-har-har-har!
He heard a rumor
you're an undercover cop.
Why would anyone think that?
Eh, I can't speak for them.
Me, I've got telepathic
filaments in my tentacles,
so I actually know you're
working for The President.
Hey, relax.
I'm telling you I know
because I want you to find
what you're looking for
before you get killed.
-And what am I looking for?
-It's not what.
-It's where.
-And where is that?
-Mm, let's just say you're
-Will you fucking stop?
So-rry! God-uh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Ahh! Ugh!
Ugh! Ugh!
Jesus!
"Prisoner Not Found."
Why am I not surprised?
-Ow! What the hell?
-Hi again!
Looks like you're about to jack
into a dead sentient android.
-That's bad.
-I'm just accessing its memory,
probably to bring its killers
to justice.
But you said to double down
if you broke protocol again.
Oh, my God.
If I do something actually bad,
you can make it hurt.
Until then, override and
give me some damn flexibility.
Don't yell at me.
You programmed me.
Ahhh!
I-I can't take it anymore!
Hernandez, help me
tighten these restraints.
Is it a weird time to say
I'm morally conflicted about this?
No, it's the perfect time,
Hernandez!
Ahhh!
I need to find Hernandez.
Ugh.
Okay.
Side quest completed.
That's it. East Wing.
That's where Nessie went?
Guards tried to take him there,
and he went berserk.
Hell, I don't blame him
you go there, you never come back.
That's why the escapees
are registered as deceased
before they leave.
They're not being helped
from inside.
They're being marked for death
and doing their best to get out.
Yard time is over, freaks!
Get your ugly asses, carapaces,
and prehensile tails
back inside now!
Not you two.
You know what happens
when inmates try to find out
if we're corrupt, don't ya?
You reveal your corruption?
It's the least we can do.
Hey, Metaldetectoid, you hungry?
Yeah.
For unfinished beef.
How is this a threat?
I already beat this guy up
in one move.
And by scanning that move,
I extrapolated
your entire combat style.
Prepare to fight yourself!
Rahh!
Ahh!
Why would fighting yourself
be harder than fighting
a stranger?
I fight myself every day!
Hey! Hey!
Whoa, take it easy!
We get it, man! You're good
at kicking your own ass!
You get a pack of cigs
when you kill 'em.
Use your horns.
He's feisty.
If you think
I'm scared of a leprechaun,
you don't know goat.
You think I'm stupid?
I'm not fighting them
for a pack of cigs!
But I would do it
for a picture of your wife.
Deal.
Mm-mm-mmm.
What's a hot spider like her
even doing with a guy like you?
Maybe it's not really my wife.
Maybe I've been giving you
photos of spiders
to make you do shit.
Tangled in the web
of my own porn addiction.
We're eagle, globe, and anchor
We fight with piss and rancor
Semper Fi, that's my guy
Marines!
Yeah!
It's amazing, isn't it?
We were both soldiers,
and now we're each kings
of our own domains.
In a way, you've got a
harder country to run than I do.
Trying to contain
all these monsters.
Well, if they let me run it
the way I really want,
both of us could be happy.
The world is full
of different folks
And some of them are monsters
They're not like us,
so lock them up
And seal their screams forever
If the cells get full,
you cull the herd
And their deaths will be my
Ho! Whoa!
Okay, a little extreme.
I didn't know you'd go
full Nazi.
Aren't people who call
people Nazis the real Nazis?
Nope. Answer your phone.
This is Jeffries.
Christ. Alright, I'm coming.
-What was that?
-Fight in the yard.
A new leprenoid killed
20% of Cell Block D.
Uh, about that.
The "leprenoid's" mine.
Before I came, I, uh
I put him undercover
because I thought you might
be incompetent.
Oh.
Quite the "oo-rah" move.
Right?
But you can bring him up here.
He won't be causing you
any more trouble.
You're right about that.
"Guard button?"
Oh, wait what is this?
I'm sorry it had to come
to this, Curtis.
So really it's a door button.
The guards were already
waiting behind the door.
Also, you really think
you can get away with this?
I'm the President!
You're in the Bermuda Triangle.
It would have been weirder
if you'd made it back home.
Rgh! I guess you pushed the
"bag over the head" button?
Ugh!
Huh?
What is what is this?
Can't believe
I trusted that monster.
-Not always a bad thing, sir.
-O'Doyle?
I came in here
hating these freaks,
but I found kindness
in a radioactive Swamptopus.
Hi.
How radioactive is he?
Like a laptop on a crotch or?
Alright, test subjects
are locked in.
Canisters are online.
Begin the extraction!
Aghh! God in heaven!
Sir, I have a technique
for this
Imagine every scream brings
your mother closer to orgasm.
-What?
-So you deprive her of it!
Did the tank fill with anything?
-No, sir.
-Goddammit!
I added microchips
to the canisters.
How is it still not collecting
their screams?
Wait, you're seriously doing
a "Monsters, Inc."?
I told you I was!
You got it backwards, you idiot.
You're supposed
to use children for the screams.
That's what the doors are for!
We were eventually
going to connect them
to children's closets.
And then, of course
come the giggles.
Goddammit, how desperate was I
to connect with someone?
Check the wiring
and run it again!
Harder!
Hey, pal, this East Wing,
Room 213?
You know it.
Torture central.
You believe that's the
President of the United States
squealing in there?
Thank God.
I don't know how long
I could've sustained
that guard accent.
Urgh!
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Ahhh!
What do you think?
Do you like it?
What the fuck?
Why am I on fire?
I did what you asked!
You're trying to hack
into a federal prison.
Override!
Just open door 213!
Okay, okay.
Hmm, so many doors.
Might take a while to find that.
Hmm, let's see.
Oh, my God,
just open all the doors!
Ahh!
Thought you'd never ask!
I love us. Byeeee!
Ahh!
I'll never do it again!
Ooh! Pain's gone.
Might do it again.
Stop! Let me go!
All I did was lead
a troubled child
to an eternal realm
of light and love!
Never saw it.
Blah!
Yar-ha-ah-ha-har!
Oh shit! Oh, God!
I've been so mean to them!
Oh! Oh, no!
Oh, it's just you.
What are you gonna do,
turn into a bat?
No, no, no, no agh!
Meeting adjourned.
Check out me, Dracula,
in "Monster Squad," 1987.
What the hell is going on?
Thanks for the lift,
Evil Haunted Car.
I'm not haunted, I'm just evil
You!
It's time to chase you down
Ahh!
Banks!
Holy shit, way to go!
I know, right?
I'm kind of awesome.
I should've listened to you,
Banks.
I got so sucked up
in Marine culture
and bro-ing out,
I-I took my eyes off the ball.
I was wrong, too, sir.
There's things in here
that need to stay
locked up forever.
Yeah, but not all of them.
Hi.
So, all our lessons
cancel each other out?
Maybe the lesson is that,
together, we learn nothing.
Can we just go back
to that evil car?
I mean, if it was making up
original songs to communicate,
why not just talk?
So much extra work.
Right. Let's go!
TV ghost!
This is why you need
ghost walls!
Jeff Dunham should be
in this cell, not me!
Um, guys?
You wanna play a game?
It's called oopsies killsies.
Nobody look at her.
She can't hurt you
-if you don't look.
-I already did.
Yeah, obviously I did.
I said "um, guys"
to draw everyone's attention
to her.
Yeah, I looked at her, too.
Here comes the
predictable big voice!
Shit, shit, shit! Run!
Get ready to be
a head on my shoulders!
Sometimes the best way
to fly is to land!
Amelia!
-Whoa!
-Big assist!
You, ma'am, are a legend!
Well, now fucking what?
Stupid
It's over, you piece of shit.
You ruined it!
You know how long I plotted
to get that scream power?
Was any of today real?
Were you even a Marine?
Of course I was,
but I got kicked out
for killing another Marine
and pirating "Toy Story,"
not in that order.
So this whole time,
you were the real monster.
Obviously!
They gave me a trophy for it!
Oo-rah!
Ugh! Ow!
Ahh!
Ugh!
I saw this coming.
I set it up.
You better tell the people
that I-I died getting out
in front of it.
Ow!
Did that canister
just fill up with power?
It looks like he accidentally
invented a way to contain irony.
What? Didn't he just tape
microchips and wires
to the outside of a scuba tank
with a horn on it?
Okay, we get it.
Eh, that should do it.
All set, Mr. President.
Bit tricky figuring out
how to get a consistent signal
through a pocket
of intangible ether.
But you were in a pinch,
and you called Finch.
Yes, Finch,
you're a very memorable person.
Warden Earhart.
Amelia, you've got
a direct line to me now.
I want open communication
between the Triangle
and my office.
Of course, sir.
And do I get a secretary?
Is she gonna be hot?
Uhh, I-I'll see
what's in the budget.
Also how is the, uh, Swamptopus?
He's doing good.
Started tutoring other monsters,
trying to help them
get their GEDs.
See, in my day, I was a monster
for having boobies
and flying a plane.
These rag-a-muffins
deserve a chance
to be seen differently, too.
You're the boss, Amelia.
Thanks, Mr. President!
And good boobie-bye.
Welp, seems like our
secret monster Guantanamo's
finally in good hands.
And as for me,
instead of limiting my behavior
with painful internal protocols,
I've decided to trust myself
with a more subtle reminder.
Wait, which one is ringing?
They need to jiggle when they ring
so I have a visual cue.
I think it's the pentagram.
What happens if I answer
and they're not calling?
Then it calls them.
Hang on, I got this.
Alright, I'll add a jiggle.
God-uhh!
Sometimes monsters go to prison
Sometimes they don't
Sometimes
we're the real monsters
When the monster is our shame
But who's to blame
If we don't wash our balls?
Blah! Blah!
Who's that?
You don't want to fuck with him.
He used to get picked on,
but then he turned into a bat,
flew into
a prison guard's mouth,
and turned back into Dracula
inside the guy.
So, if I fight him,
I just need to keep
my mouth closed?
Are you talking about Dracula?
Mind your own business.
You did it now, fish!
Good girl, booboo.
Did you get any of that?