Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
- (BICYCLE BELL DINGS)
- (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Unbelievable.
No more mutants.
No more giant moths.
- Such a better world.
- For you, maybe.
(WITH RHOTACISM)
I lost my hawem.
Mm, you know those weren't
healthy relationships.
It was all consensual.
Sex for food.
I looked everywhere. No Denise.
Eh, she must have been
too far away
from the interdimensional bubble
cweated by
the Weonard/Sheldon device.
What the hell does that mean?
Well, I don't know.
I'm just wiffing.
- KYLE: Hey, Stuart.
- STUART BLOOM: Hey.
- TREVOR: Hi.
- Hey.
I can't believe I lost the love
of my life and I get you.
Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
(CHUCKLES) Well, now,
there are two possibilities.
One, the world we were just in
no wonger exists,
in which case
I did not "kill Waj."
Two, that world
and this world are part of
an infinite number of worlds,
in which case I killed one
of an infinite number of Wajs.
Mathematicawy,
a wounding error.
Oh, excuse me.
I was gonna buy that book.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Here. (CHUCKLES) I had no idea.
- It was unintentional.
- (PERKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- TREVOR: I forgive you.
- I appreciate that.
And I appreciate you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Uh, how much do you want
for Superman and Lex Luthor:
Best Buddies Number 30?
- Best Buddies?
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Let me see that.
What the hell?
Stuart, look at this.
This whole wall
is Archie comics.
What? I don't carry Archie.
You do now.
Wichie Wich: Effective Altruist
Number 12.
Richie Rich what?
Something's wrong here.
You must have screwed up
the machine, Stuart.
I screwed up?
You killed the one guy that knew
how to use the damn thing.
- (SCOFFS)
- Uh, fellas, we're all friends.
- Yeah, no arguing.
- Stay out of it.
You're the one who pushed
the stupid button.
What was I supposed to do?
- You're the one who--
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
(BOTH GROAN, WHIMPER)
We should go.
- That's a lovely idea.
- (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
(BOTH STRAIN)
- (BUZZING STOPS)
- (BOTH SIGH)
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Uh-oh, that's not supposed
to be there.
- What just happened?
- I don't know.
I have a hypothesis.
I'm listening.
Did you notice the thing
on the back of your necks?
- (STUART GRUNTS, GROANS)
- What? What thing?
- Humor me.
- (SIGHS)
- Oh, boy.
- Not good.
Now, try having an argument.
What are you talking about?
That's gotta be the stupidest--
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (GROANS, BABBLES)
(YELLS, GROANS)
You might be onto something.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
Stuart tries ♪
- He tries ♪
- But he fails ♪
Fails ♪
- Fails ♪
- Fails ♪
Stuart fails! ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
- (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Really? Everyone's being
so nice to each other.
Hi!
Yeah, they have devices
implanted in their necks
to make them nice.
Would you rather push the button
on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy
and try another universe?
No, thanks. We could wind up
somewhere worse.
Like where humans
are a meat source
for a highly evolved
wizard people?
Yeah, like that.
Or one where everyone's French,
but no one speaks French.
What's that?
(MENACING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
BERT KIBBLER: Best guess?
A giant floating obelisk with
no apparent means of propulsion?
(WITH RHOTACISM)
You are weawy getting on my nerve.
- (DRONE WARBLING)
- Stop talking.
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (GROANS, STRAINS)
(WARBLING STOPS)
- (GROANS)
- (ELECTRIC BUZZING)
- (BUZZING STOPS)
- Another piece of the puzzle?
Maybe.
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING)
- (BARRY YELPS)
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- I think what we're looking at
is your classic
totalitarian dystopia
with a dollop
of mind control surveillance.
- A dollop?
- It means a small serving.
Yeah, I know what it means--
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (GROANS, STRAINS)
(SNIFFS, PANTS)
(CHEERFULLY)
I know what it means!
So, here's what I'm thinking.
We need to go to Caltech
and find Weonard and Sheldon.
Okay, you do that.
I'll try to find Denise.
With all due respect
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
perhaps we should
stick together.
And you are entitled
to your opinion,
but I am in love
with this woman,
and I have to find her.
I understand.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
Idiot. (GROANS)
- (GRUNTS) Shit!
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (BUZZING STOPS)
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GROANS)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
(OMINOUS MUSIC OVERLAPPING) ♪
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
- BERT: Hi. Can you help us?
- Well, I certainly hope so.
Great. We are wooking
for Dr. Weonard Hofstadter
or perhaps Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Do you have an appointment?
- Uh
- No.
Oh, I wish you had
an appointment.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
- Can we make one?
- Of course.
Then we'd like
to make an appointment.
I don't make appointments.
You'd have to contact
their personal assistants.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
Okay. Mm!
And h how do we
get in touch with them?
You call them.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Can you tell us their numbers?
Sure can't. (CHUCKLES)
(BREATHES SHARPLY)
We are in the middle of a cwisis
and we weawy need
to talk to them.
(WHISPERS) Sir, I would ask you
not to raise your voice.
I'm not waising my voice.
(RAISES VOICE)
I'm just trying to say--
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (GROANS, STRAINS)
Sorry.
We're new to this whole
button-in-the neck thing.
- (CHUCKLES)
- BARRY: Ow! (GROANS)
(PERKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(PANTS)
Oh Oh, thank God.
(INTERCOM BUZZING)
- DENISE: (OVER INTERCOM) Yes?
- Denise?
- DENISE: Who is it?
- It's Stuart.
DENISE: Oh!
What a pleasant surprise.
Come on in.
(DOOR LOCK BUZZING)
DENISE: Gary, you'll never guess
who's here.
- You need to be cool.
- Got it. Can we start over?
- (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- By all means.
Here's the thing.
Weonard Hofstadter
and Sheldon Cooper
built a vewy special device.
Well, if anyone here
could build a special device,
it's certainly those two.
- It certainly is.
- (CHUCKLES)
- You're doing good.
- (EXHALES)
Anyway, the device has torn
the fabwic of weality,
possibly causing
the universe to cowapse
- and then weegwo.
- Weegwo?
- Yeah, weegwo.
- What is weegwo?
Weegwo.
Uh, uh, like a plant weegwos.
- Weegwo?
- Wee-gwo.
- Weegwo?
- Weegwo.
You stupid, stupid--
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (GROANS, STRAINS)
He has trouble
with the letter "R."
Oh! "Regrow." (CHUCKLES)
That makes more sense.
(PERKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Okay, I'm just gonna say it,
and forgive me
if it doesn't make sense.
Denise, you and I
are destined to be together,
and I have come
from a parallel universe
uh, to claim you.
Well, that is really something.
- Mind-blowing.
- (DENISE CHUCKLES)
Okay, you're
So, you're like a running joke
- in all this, aren't you?
- Sorry?
Uh, it's not important.
All I can tell you
is that you don't have to live
with this AI thing
controlling you.
- How?
- It's a little complicated.
I've got this machine
back at the store that it
(HESITATES)
I-- I-- I-- I-- It It--
You're just gonna
have to trust me.
- May I ask a question?
- Of course.
I realize how upsetting
this must be for you.
I'm not upset.
Denise, are you upset?
- No, of course not.
- What do you want her to do?
Well
Like I said,
I want her to leave you
and and come with me.
Wow. Denise?
To be honest, it's tempting.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Really?
- Sure.
- Sure?
But that
So, you're cool with this?
- Yeah, she can't stand me.
- I can't. (CHUCKLES)
- Uh, so why stay together?
- DENISE: Hmm.
Well, if I leave,
then Gary would be upset.
- Traumatized.
- And we've learned
not to upset each other.
- 'Cause it hurts.
- Ouch.
So, wait, you know
that she's unhappy
and you're fine with it?
She's only unhappy
when she's sober,
and that's not very often.
No, no, I have a little problem
with the
(CLICKS TONGUE) so
- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Mm-hmm.
Okay. What kind of crazy
upside-down world is this?
Denise, you have the right
to be happy!
(RAISES VOICE) There's no reason
to stay with somebody
that makes you mis--
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (GROANS, BLABBERS)
Yeah.
(STUART BABBLING)
- Rum and Coke?
- Diet Coke, please.
Coming up.
- (BLABBERS, GROANS)
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INHALES, GROANS)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Let me
- Yes.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You know, in another universe,
I worked in this building.
Really? In what department?
Geology.
Oh, that's not
in this building anymore.
W Why not?
They needed to make room
for the important sciences.
Uh, geology is
an important science.
And yet they moved it
into the storage room
behind the gym.
(RAISES VOICE)
W W Why would you take
a field of study that examines
the physical structure
of the planet
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (WHIMPERS, GROANS)
(SCOFFS)
Nice twy, Dumbo.
(ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
(GROANS)
I did not care for that woman.
(PANTS)
Also, I wet myself.
Lucky you're wearing dark pants.
Oh, yeah.
(POLICE SIREN CHIRPS)
This can't be good.
Hey, fellas. Got a minute?
What's going on?
I'm Officer McCaffrey.
This is Officer Denison.
Call me "Steve."
And we're going to be
your arresting officers today.
- What did we do?
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
"What did we do?"
- I love these guys.
- Oh, yeah.
Seriously, what did we do?
Well, when people
keep getting upset,
- it becomes a police matter.
- DENISON: Don't you worry.
Everything's going
to be explained
at the re-education center.
(GROANS) I don't like
the sound of that.
Well, I hope you like the sound
of complimentary
bottles of water.
- Hmm.
- And granola bars,
'cause they're waiting for you
in the back of the car.
(BARRY SIGHS)
Wook, a fwoating obewisk.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SIGHS) Oh, dear.
- (DEVICE CHIMES)
- (ELECTRIC CRACKLING, BUZZING)
- (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
- (BARRY GROANS, STRAINS)
- I'll just get in the car.
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
Right this way.
Sparkling or flat?
(GENTLE DREAMY MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
Hello! I'm theater, film,
and television's
Christine Baranski.
I bet you're wondering
what you're doing here.
Simple answer,
you have been non-compliant.
(IMITATES ELECTRIC BUZZING)
"Ouch!" (CHUCKLES) Am I right?
Well, maybe this is
a good opportunity
to remind ourselves,
and by ourselves, I mean you,
why this is the best
of all possible worlds.
I loved the first Mamma Mia!
The second one
was kind of milking it.
- (SHUSHES)
- CHRISTINE BARANSKI: Not too long ago,
human beings were
on the verge of extinction.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Violence, crime, and war
were running rampant.
That's when our government
turned to the whiz kids
in Silicon Valley and said
"Can you save us
from ourselves?"
(CHUCKLING)
And boy, oh, boy, did they!
Well, not so much them,
but the AI they built.
Shortly after it turned
on its creators,
- brutally killing them all
- (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
the AI implanted
electronic punishment devices
in everyone's brain stem.
Mix that with
a little aerial surveillance,
and before you know it,
a world free of anger,
war, and insult comics.
Does it work all the time?
If it did, you wouldn't be here
beginning your 30-month
- re-education process.
- (GENTLE DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Will that hurt? (LAUGHS)
Like a motherfucker.
But when you walk out of here,
you will be one happy amigo.
- We gotta escape.
- How?
I don't know,
but I'll figure it out.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC BUILDS) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (SIGHS)
- (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- I'm glad we didn't escape.
- Oh, me too.
It was an honor
being wehabilitated
- with you fewas.
- (CHUCKLES)
I've got a sweet tooth.
Who's up for some fro-yo?
Oh, love it. My treat!
- Aw.
- Thanks, buddy.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- BARRY: Huh? What's happening?
- I think we're being abducted.
Well, so much for yogurt.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- BARRY: Stuart?
- STUART: Yeah?
BARRY: You okay?
STUART: I am, yeah.
Thank you for asking.
BERT: I'm okay, too.
(STUART SIGHS)
Zack?
- You know me?
- STUART: Of course.
(STAMMERS) I I mean,
not from this universe.
Uh, I mean,
it it it it
N Never mind.
Well, regardless,
consider yourself rescued.
Rescued? They let us out.
After wocking us up
for two and a half years?
- Really?
- Yes. Weawy.
Wow. That's embarrassing.
(CHUCKLES)
- Who are you guys?
- Oh, sorry.
Uh, yes, we are the Resistance,
and this is our headquarters.
Used to be
an Amazon shipping center.
We took over the lease.
- STUART: Oh, yeah.
- It was a long process. It was like--
COMMANDER:
All right, soldiers. Step down.
I'll take it from here.
ZACK JOHNSON:
Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
(DRAMATIC
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Penny?
- (GROANS)
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
Ah, what the heck?
That make you mad?
No, why would you even--
(GROANS)
- What are you doing?
- Deprogramming.
(YELPS, GROANS)
Okay, that
is weawy uncalled for.
(GROANS)
What about this?
Was this called for?
- (GRUNTS)
- Damn!
Excuse me, young lady,
but that is wildly--
Ow!
- Why aren't you being shocked?
- Shielding technology.
- Oh, great!
- Yeah, it's pretty tight.
(GROANS, SIGHS)
When are you gonna
stop hitting us?
- When you get angry.
- Huh.
- (GROANS)
- Are you angry?
No.
- (STUART YELPS)
- Are you angry?
No.
- (YELLS)
- (SHOUTS) Are you angry?
Yup!
I'm mad, I'm mad!
What about you?
Furious, and honestly,
a a wittle turned on.
- (GRUNTS)
- (LAUGHS) Yes, ma'am!
I don't understand.
Why did you rescue us?
- Because I called them.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Thirty months ago.
What do you want from me?
I'm running a rebellion here.
Denise, you came back for me.
Not really.
I found your machine.
Show us how it can
get rid of the AI.
- Oh, uh
- (ZIP TIE SNAPPING)
Yeah, I probably wasn't
clear about that.
It won't solve your AI problems.
BARRY: Yeah, it'll just get us
out of your
happy-go-fascist universe.
Besides, we don't really know
how to use it.
We have some theowies.
So, wait, none of you know
how to defeat the AI overlord?
(HESITANTLY) I don't. Bert?
- Nope.
- Kripke?
Not weawy.
(SIGHS)
Kill them!
- Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Uh
Hold on. I-- I have an idea.
Fine, go ahead.
Now, it's a wong shot,
but it it's worth a twy.
- (SNIFFS, SIGHS)
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hmm, okay.
(SIGHS) Hmm. Mm.
Okay. (EXHALES)
What is your idea?
Ah, if everyone would pwease
wook over there.
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- He keeps doing that.
- Shoot him!
Oh, boy.
("FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE"
BY METALLICA PLAYING) ♪
Oh, shit! They found us!
Okay. Shoot the drones!
Shoot the drones!
(DRONES WARBLING)
- (GUNSHOTS)
- (REBELS SHOUTING, CLAMORING)
(REBELS SCREAMING)
Do unto others
As they've done to you ♪
But what the hell
Is this world coming to? ♪
BARRY: Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
- Barry, wait!
- Sorry, fewas!
(YELPS)
(TENSE DRAMATIC MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
No, don't get shot, you idiot!
Oh, my God.
(BARRY GROANS)
- Give me your hand.
- Why?
I don't wanna
have to find you again.
- (EPIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (DEVICE CHIMES)
(DEVICE RUMBLING, ROARING)
(REBELS GROAN)
(PORTAL WARBLING)
- (SHARP WHOOSH)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (WHOOSHING WARBLE)
- (ECHOING SCREAMS)
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WARBLE STOPS)
(SOFT ENCHANTING
MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Oh, excuse me. I was about
to buy that Necronomicon.
(SCOFFS) Get over yourself.
You can't handle
this level of magic.
Uh here.
Alchemy for Dummies.
That's more your speed.
(SCOFFS)
I'll show you my speed.
Sempe faldinide un pera!
(RUMBLING WHOOSH)
(GRUNTS, STRAINS)
DENISE: Oh, my God.
- What happened? Where are we?
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Make it stop!
- (SERPENT HISSES)
- Please!
- Uh Hang on.
Kyle?
(CHUCKLES)
I wasn't really gonna kill him.
- Stop!
- (SIGHS)
- Fine.
- (SNAKE HISSES)
Dnim reven.
(GROANS, BREATHES HEAVILY)
You're such an asshole.
You want an asshole?
I'll show you an asshole.
Elohssa.
- Kyle!
- (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What is going on?
Wild guess?
We've landed in a universe
where magic is real.
Wait, this machine
actually worked?
- We're in another universe?
- It's, uh It's crazy, right?
- (GASPS) There's magic here?
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What else explains
the, uh, asshole
on Trevor's head?
- There's an asshole on my head?
- (CHUCKLES)
Oh! Oh, great!
Well, the good news
is those joy buzzers are gone.
Oh, yeah. They are.
(GROANS) Oh, my God.
- I have hemorrhoids.
- (KYLE CHUCKLES)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I think we'll be safe here.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Burn the scientist!
- Burn the scientist!
- (MENACING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
CROWD: Burn the scientist!
BERT: Kripke, help me!
(HESITATES) Hey, hey, uh,
is that weawy necessary?
Yes.
I twied.
CROWD: Burn the scientist!
Burn the scientist!
(CHANTING BECOMES MUFFLED)
("GRID" BY
PERFUME GENIUS PLAYING) ♪
(SINGER VOCALIZING) ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Eh-eh ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Eh-eh ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
- At least we know ♪
- Eh-eh ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Eh-eh ♪
- Where it's been ♪
- Ah-ah ♪
Where it's been ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪