Teachers (2001) s01e02 Episode Script

1
(Brian) OK, Clare.
(Simon) Them. Obviously!
(Kurt) You wouldn't shag her?
(Simon) No way!
I'd be compromising my principles.
That's the rule.
You don't shag the boss
because she's one of them.
(Brian) Yeah. Plus she's too old.
(Kurt) True.
(Susan) What about Liz?
(Simon) Them, so no.
(Susan) She's sort of one of us.
(Simon) Stop complicating things.
(Brian) All right, Jenny.
(Simon) An "us" arse
but a "them" attitude, so definitely no.
(Kurt) Have you ever noticed
Clare's arse?
It looks a bit like a deer's.
(Brian) Fuck off.
Right, if you had
to have sex with an animal.
- Time to go.
- Come on, stay, it's early!
- Peter on for a night of wild sex?
- Don't be stupid, I'm married.
- (Simon) Come on, stay.
- I've got to see Clare first thing.
- What for?
- I'm up for head of year.
- What? You?
- Tell me you're not serious?
- I'm serious.
- But why? I mean, why?
More money, more kudos, more
Stop! I've heard enough.
Susan, don't do it. You can't.
- Why not?
- Because you'll be one of them.
- I'll still be me.
- Wrong!
You'll be selling your soul to be
a pawn of the Establishment.
Thanks for your support, Simon.
I knew you'd understand.
Traitor!
Whose round is it?
Fuck it, that's put me right off my pint.
- I'm going to Maggie's.
- How come we've never met her?
She's she's shy.
She's a fat pig, isn't she?
You're just jealous cos
I'm getting it and you're not.
Have fun, losers.
(Ball rolling, pins clattering)
(Birds singing)
- (Grunts)
- School.
Sadist.
I thought you had the day off today.
I've got paperwork to catch up on.
It's called being professional.
Professional?
No, you've lost me.
Come here.
(Simon) Mm.
- Have you got tonight free?
- No, and neither have you.
And don't go back to sleep.
(Tinny music on radio)
Oh, shit!
Oof!
- It's what I wanna be ♪
- Oh!
What about me?
Hear me when I speak
But sometimes I feel it
You know how it is
You wake up in the morning
And everything fits
I'm still hoping
tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day, my perfect day
But sometimes I feel it
You know how it is
I wake up in the morning
And everything fits
I'm still hoping
tomorrow feels like this
My perfect day, my perfect day
My perfect day ♪
(Chattering in distance)
- (Chattering and shouting)
- Keep it down, please!
- (Class) Ooh!
- Had a puncture.
- Is that the best you can do?
- Yeah.
- At least you're consistent.
- Thanks.
I won't be able
to ignore this after Wednesday.
Right, right.
Should I know what you're on about?
- If I get the job.
- What job?
For head of year.
(Whip cracks, creaks)
It's going to be quite useful being
in the classroom next door to you.
I'll be able to keep an eye on you.
(Laughter and chatter)
My alarm's broken. It was stolen.
- Try again, Simon.
- I switched it off. I went back to sleep.
- Result!
- Give us your cash.
- You ran a sweepstake on me?
- I knew you wouldn't let me down.
I don't suppose anyone
took registration, did they?
- I did.
- Good stuff!
Right, to make up for being late
we'll do something different.
- Like work?
- Give that man a cigar.
A test on what we've covered
so far in Of Mice And Men.
- Yes!
- (Rest of class groan)
List five
of
George's
positive qualities.
Is George
scared
of
- (Whip cracks)
- ..Jenny?!
- Lenny.
- You said Jenny.
Just testing.
- Sir?
- Whaaat?
When you say
describe Curly's wife's dream
do you mean metaphorically
or literally?
Because if you want us
to use symbolism
Jeremy, it's a test.
I'm not allowed to help you.
Sex!
Sorry, Arnie, I thought
you were in a coma.
(Bell)
That's enough fun for one day.
- Wasn't too painful, was it?
- No, I really enjoyed that.
- Are you being ironic?
- No, I mean it.
- Sorry.
- Reckon you'll mark 'em?
Probably not.
(Gun cocking)
(Gunshot)
If she gets the job, I'm resigning.
(Brian) She's not that bad.
(Simon) She's not in your year.
You'll be safe running round
a field or whatever.
I don't just run around a field.
No, be fair, he does sometimes
stop to blow his whistle.
- I work my bollocks off!
- Yeah, right.
You won't say that when I start teaching
A-level next year.
Who'd do a PE A-level?
Never mind that, what the fuck
are we gonna do about Jenny?
Don't panic. Whoever takes
the job won't last five minutes.
- It's too much to take on.
- That five minutes will be an eternity.
Can't you see a way stop her
getting the job?
Short of killing her, no.
You must be in with a good chance.
Maybe. Do you think
they're open to bribery?
Doubt it. I've already tried.
Good tactics - sleeping with the enemy.
I wouldn't go that far.
No, but it's a nice image.
(Sighs)
(Susan) She's been OK with me,
fair fight and all that.
Oh, my God,
she's brainwashed you!
You have to get the job,
they can't give it to her.
What happened to, "If you get it
"you'll become a sad pawn
of the Establishment"?
I was being ironic.
You don't think I'm mad?
Yes, but I'd rather you got it
than Cruella.
I'd start being nice to her,
just in case I don't get it.
"Nice"?
Start by apologising to her
for the row you had.
I can't, it's humiliating.
Just have to hope
she doesn't get the job.
(Susan) Don't get wound up -
how bad could it be?
I'm not wound up.
(Exhales)
- Something wrong?
- No, I was just thinking.
I'm sure the novelty will wear off.
(Whip cracks)
Look, I wanted to, er,
you know, talk to you.
About what?
(Yells)
- Sod it!
- It can wait.
You are using disgusting language -
look at me -
words you don't know
the meaning of.
(Simon) I shouldn't. Go on, then,
I'm having a shit day.
Late night?
Yeah, I had a bust-up with Sonya.
Jennings.
Year 12. Loud.
Fit, though.
Some some might say.
So it's all over, then?
Yeah. Unless I apologise.
Even though she started it.
With women,
when you apologise to them
you have to make them think
they've got power over you
without actually letting them
have power over you.
How do I do that?
God knows.
But let me know if you find out.
It's more a question of
reason and rhyme
Wednesday,
got hitched just like ♪
We do not run in corridors,
we walk in corridors.
- Sorry, miss.
- Goodbye.
- I owe you an apology.
- About what?
- Sorry?
- An apology for what, your existence?
- Yeah, right. I mean, no. That thing.
- What thing?
- Could you walk slower?
- If I walk slower I'll stop.
You know, that thing I said the other day.
- It was stupid.
- You say a few stupid things.
You'll have to help me out.
You know, when I said
you were boring.
Sorry.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Apart from that other thing.
You know, when I
(Sighs) When I said
I wanted to sleep with you.
Can we forget it ever happened?
I'll do my best.
Although I'm not usually forgetful.
- It was just a joke.
- Forgive me for not laughing.
Although the real joke is
I don't even fancy you.
You are SO not my type.
I don't find you attractive at all.
- Really?
- You're cold, standoffish
- I think you've made your point.
- ..condescending, patronising
I think you've made your point!
But if you think that
why did you say it?
Because it was a bet I had with Brian
on how you'd react.
- I said you'd slap me.
- A bet?!
His idea, not mine.
I think he might fancy you.
- Brian?
- He's not very good around women.
- (Belches)
- See?
(Sighs)
Genius.
(Yelling)
(Laughs)
Morning.
Nah, trying to give 'em up.
- Well, I did it.
- What?
- Apologised to Cruella.
- Are your knees sore?
- From grovelling to her.
- Not a scratch.
- No teensy-weensy bruise to the ego?
- Nope.
How did you manage that?
An honest apology.
She was all right about it.
So you don't want her to disappear
into a vat of boiling oil any more?
- I don't hate her that much.
- Where are you going?
See if I can stop the scheming bitch
from getting the job.
- Is she wearing eye shadow?
- She's got a date.
- You're joking!
- Yes.
Is there any hint
on the new head of year?
- Privileged information.
- There's a Mars bar in it for you.
- King size?
- Go on, then.
I heard her talking
on the phone before about Jenny.
- Not good things, I hope?
- 'Fraid so.
I'm impartial about
the condescending ice queen.
(Simon) Can't you drop
a hint to Clare about her?
(Buzzer)
- (Clare) Miss Page?
- Oi! Where's my Mars bar?
So you're Clare. OK, go.
(Imitates Clare) So, why exactly should
you be made head of year?
Because
I feel I've reached
a stage in my career
where I need a new challenge and
- Shit, that sounds crap.
- Keep going.
And
Sod it, can't I just say,
"Give me the job, bitch"?
- No. I'm using that line.
- Damn.
I've had it, then.
OK, my go. This is inspired.
Margaret Beckett or Sharon Stone
with weeping cold sores,
- scabies and a built-up shoe?
- Do we have to do this?
(All) Yes.
- Got to be Margaret Beckett.
- You sick bastard.
OK, Carol
or Britney Spears with acne,
chronic flatulence and a hairy back?
(Both) Britney Spears.
How hairy are we talking?
Like an orangutan.
- Tough one.
- I worry about you sometimes.
- Clare, can I talk to you?
- Is it urgent?
I wondered what you thought about me
teaching A-level.
(Laughs)
Sorry, Brian, I thought you were joking.
Other schools are doing A-level PE.
AS-level. So I believe.
Ken, PTA next Thursday? OK?
- Sure.
- Good man.
Fuck.
- So
- Can you do that?
Kurt! Those IT receipts for Friday.
Susan? Have you forgotten?
- So what do you think?
- What? Simon!
See what response you get
to the idea at parents' evening.
Right! Excellent.
Arnie Lawson's in
your tutorial group, isn't he?
- We might have a problem.
- Have we?
Jenny's caught him with cannabis.
- (Chokes, coughs)
- Are you OK?
Fine.
- What did he say, exactly?
- Claims he's the only one that smoked it.
He could be telling the truth.
Should I have a word with him?
- Maybe someone else should.
- Susan? The kids respect her.
I was thinking of the police.
- That'll put the wind up him.
- The police?
You'll need to sit in. And Jenny.
- Jenny?
- She is acting head of year.
I'll let you know
when the police can come in.
(Police radio, indistinct)
(Bell)
(Car alarm in distance)
(Simon) Why don't they bring in
the Gestapo? It's only dope.
- Is this gonna go on all night?
- You should be sympathetic.
I am, I just can think
of better things to do
- than listening to you rant on and on.
- Such as?
(Chuckles)
Oh. Very David Beckham.
I thought they were mine,
it was dark
- It was morning.
- My eyes were closed. What?
Just checking to see you're not
wearing my bra as well.
(Both sighing)
(Maggie) Better?
(Simon) Yeah.
I thought you said you felt better?
- I do.
- Well, stop doing that.
- What?
- That thing with your foot.
I can't help it.
Why are you so wound up
about this drugs thing?
- You're not in trouble.
- I'm his form tutor.
It reflects on me.
It makes me look irresponsible.
- Well, you are.
- Pedant.
Look, would it make it easier
if I spoke to this Arnie geezer?
You? What, here?
I don't think talking to him
in bed's a good idea.
But I could, erm, I don't know,
meet up with him
for an off-the-record chat.
- Off the record?
- Mm.
So it needn't go any further?
I don't know.
Has anyone ever told you
you're a genius?
They don't need to.
So, I'll see what I can do, yeah?
Thanks.
(Maggie) Put your mind at rest?
(Simon) Yeah.
(Birds singing)
(Radio) '..Select Committee.
'Six people have been arrested
in drugs raids across the city.
'A police spokesman said
four men and two women'
- (Police siren)
- Lovesick on a sunny afternoon
You are tired of staying in
You are waiting for a sign
Mayfly, we'll get up
when skies appear ♪
- Looking for someone?
- Jenny!
Another apology?
I have spoken to her
without being insulting.
- When?
- Stop asking trick questions.
How'd the attempt to stop her getting
the job go?
- Badly.
- Can't rely on you for anything, can I?
Miss Page. Miss Page! God
Just to let you know,
the Arnie thing's been sorted.
- Has it?
- The police will talk to him.
- Surprisingly responsible.
- As Arnie's form tutor, I should be.
Will this responsibility extend to you
handing in marking on time?
Very good. Anyway, we probably
won't need to be involved.
- What about the parents?
- What about them?
Walk!
- Will you tell them tonight?
- Tonight?
- Parents' evening.
- Is that really necessary?
- They've got a right to know.
- It's up to Arnie.
Like that's gonna happen.
It's up to us to tell them.
- Maybe you're right. Leave it to me.
- Yeah, right.
Is it asking too much
for you to trust me?
Yes.
Still, there's a first time
for everything.
You've marked them?
Oh, traitor!
(Simon) Don't worry,
I won't make a habit of it.
We're all still fighting
the same system from within.
- But you get paid for it.
- Hardly.
- Hypocrite.
- What if I didn't get paid?
You'd be a skint hypocrite.
You're lucky you've got me -
it could be a lot worse.
(Arnie) I dunno.
You haven't got an arse like that.
See me after lesson.
(Bell)
Come here!
Two things.
Don't worry about your mum and dad
finding out, I'll sort it.
OK. What's the second?
Clare's got the police involved.
- Sweet.
- It's OK, it's cool.
I've managed to get this policewoman
I know to talk to you.
Well, more of a chat, really.
You're mates with a copper?
Not mates exactly. I've only met her
a couple of times. If that.
In fact, I hardly know her.
But she's all right.
So I've heard.
Simon, she's a copper.
Yeah, but she's all right
for a copper.
If you know what I mean.
Anyway, the point is
just don't mention
I was smoking dope.
- What's it worth?
- I don't respond to bribes.
- Straight A's?
- Deal.
Who says women can't throw?
Don't your knuckles get sore from
dragging along the ground?
Holmes!
Is that water or are you
just incredibly nervous?
That fuckwit Jason Holmes
dropped a water bomb.
He got me too,
if it's any consolation.
- None whatsoever. I'll get that little shit.
- With a water bomb?
- No, napalm.
- What year's he in?
You've got his parents' company tonight.
What, Jason Holmes?
What does he look like?
An evil little bastard.
You're well prepared
for parents' evening, aren't you?
OK, Stacy Walker.
Stacy
Stacy I need alcohol to concentrate.
- Tough. Come on.
- Stacy Walker!
Got it. Leggy brunette.
Above average.
Coursework excellent.
Close, except he's below average
in his coursework.
Shit. Serves him right for having
a poncy name.
I'm with you on this Jenny situation.
- Good man!
- What are you on about?
- If she gets the job I'm resigning.
- Try voodoo.
What happened to, "She's not that bad"?
Hallucinating.
She keeps giving me dirty looks.
Reverse psychology -
she's giving you the eye.
Or it could be a squint.
Is it my imagination
or does Brian keep looking at me?
No, you're not imagining it.
Mind you, they all fancy you.
If that's meant
to make me feel good, it doesn't.
- Has Brian come on to you, then?
- No, thank God.
I think he might be building up to it.
Now you're really scaring me.
Best nip it in the bud before
he does anything about it.
Tell him you're on for
a serious relationship.
You won't see him for dust.
- Go on, test me.
- Is there any point?
- Don't piss about. Come on.
- David Banks.
Ah, well, back to
the darling little bleeders.
(Bell)
David Banks, year 11,
brilliant left back.
Had a trial with Rovers,
great future,
left to go to a grammar.
Ungrateful little bastard.
You realise it's a waste of time
you knowing that.
We'll see.
- How did we do?
- A success rate of 40%.
Ah, no sweat, guys, we'll walk it.
Who's that?
Who the fuck is that?
In the beginning
There was the word
He said unto you
"Get on your feet"
Pleased to be mixing
with the best of both worlds
Women of truth, men of deceit
And may I get on your good side?
I'll be sure, so sure
it's love, to see the light
Caught in the middle
of everyone
We've got nothing to lose
or to release
Soon to be making
all the right connections ♪
And you are?
His parents.
The parents of?
Our son.
Right.
He's done really well this term.
Good grades.
The school secretary
typed up these reports.
She's a hopeless speller,
you know?
Just to check, how
how are you spelling the name?
T
I
M.
Can I get on your good side?
I'll be sure, so sure
it's love, to see the light
Stop makin' starts
Stop givin' your ♪
(Snoring)
Kelly seems to think telling jokes
to the rest of the class
is more important than listening to me.
Perhaps you'd like to tell us
why that is, Kelly?
Cos your lessons are borin'?
Come on,
don't beat about the bush.
All right. You're borin'.
How can I make the lessons
more interesting, then?
Move me into Simon's class -
he's a laugh.
(Simon) He's one of
the brightest in his year.
Brilliant imagination.
Composition's outstanding.
Straight A's.
Sorry to interrupt,
thought I should sit in on this.
Jenny Page, acting head of year.
- We didn't realise how well he's doing.
- That covers everything.
- Does it?
- I'd say so.
So you've mentioned
the incident yesterday?
(Mr Lawson) What incident?
(Jenny) Arnie had some cannabis.
- Only a bit. Apparently.
- That's not the point, is it?
Arnie's not the only one who smokes it.
He's the only one who's been caught.
Do others smoke it?
- Sometimes.
- (Jenny) Who?
- Everyone.
- (Mr Lawson) There.
Simon's asked the police
to talk to him.
I didn't want to,
it was Clare Mrs Hunter's idea.
- Was it?!
- Look, does it really matter?
It's being sorted, OK?
- I worry about the effect his work!
- He's got straight A's!
(Mr Lawson) Look, is our son a genius
or a delinquent?
(Wind blowing, bell tolling)
Cheers. I thought you said
it'd be sorted.
It will be. Trust me.
- (Screams)
- Oh, yes!
Next question - what are
your plans for low achievers?
- Fiddle their marks?
- Susan!
- It's a joke.
- This is serious.
We need you to beat
that hard-faced cow.
Why are you so down on Jenny?
Because she's a hard-faced cow.
Nice udders, though.
- Sorry.
- Come on, answer the question.
What the fuck's she doing here?
I invited her. Not a problem, is it?
Can I get anyone a drink?
- We were just leaving.
- Yeah, just on our way.
Er, thanks, Jenny.
Two lagers, a lager top
for Simon and a Scotch.
So who's doing anything
wildly exciting tonight?
What about you, Jenny?
- (All) Marking.
- I do go out!
To get your annual
charisma injections?
- Can you say anything adult?
- My dad's bigger than yours.
I give up.
And you dealt with Arnie so maturely,
snitch.
How mature was it to bottle out
of telling his parents, coward?
D'you think masochists
beat themselves up
about being masochists? Eh?
Back in a sec.
- Do you have to be so rude?
- No, it's just for fun.
I'm surprised at you, Brian,
I thought you fancied her.
I don't fancy her.
I'd shag her but I don't fancy her.
Same here.
Should I remind you
of why you should be nice to her?
No.
(Brian and Kurt) Yes.
If she gets the job
she'll start to set her sights higher.
(American accent)
She could take over from Bob?
- (Sniggering)
- Then possibly Clare.
That reminds me, One Flew Over
The Cuckoo's Nest is on tonight.
Dad?!
I'm up here!
(Radio playing, indistinct)
Wallace and what's-his-name.
Like it?
Where's my table football?
- Sold it.
- What?!
They're Molly's favourite.
You are all right about this?
I prefer All Saints or something like that.
About Marcella and Molly moving in.
It's fine. Marcella's OK
and Molly's a little person.
It's great. I like little people.
Apart from that dwarf
in Don't Look Now.
Molly hasn't got a red coat, has she?
- (Banging downstairs)
- Someone's breaking in!
- (Marcella) Only me!
- She's got a key?
She got tired of climbing
through the window.
Oh, wow, yeah, she'll love it.
Oh, I thought I'd cook
dinner tonight, if that's OK?
Thanks but Maggie's cooking for me.
She's even got her own key now!
And she was using my kitchen.
I mean, who the hell
does she think she is?
Your future stepmother?
(Man on TV) 'His antlers, strong legs'
- Still on for this Arnie thing?
- Yep. Sorted. Coming in at 2:30.
Coming in? You mean, to school?
No, I thought I'd stand outside
and use semaphore.
Why, is that not OK?
Yeah, fine.
Fine.
I've been thinking
I know it's just
an informal chat with Arnie.
Maybe not too informal,
do you know what I mean?
Erm, not really.
Maybe you shouldn't tell him
you're my girlfriend?
What, you want me to lie?
Hypocrite.
Not lie so much as Yeah, lie.
It'll undermine your authority,
he won't take you seriously.
Well, I suppose so.
Do you want me to lie about you
being a responsible teacher as well?
You don't have to go that far.
Blue skies and children
keep you off my mind
Blue skies are stolen
from us all
And I can't believe
how much you wanna try
But what you wanna try,
wanna try it all ♪
(Police siren)
- How was parents' evening?
- Terrible.
- Bastards all turned up.
- Even for you, Brian?
- I had one or two.
- One. Asking where the toilets were.
Never mind, eh? Maybe next year.
Liz, I want you
to do something for me.
- Anything but contract killing.
- It'll have to be plan B, then.
When they have
the head of year interviews
- tell me what's happening.
- You mean listen in?
- Yeah.
- Like I wouldn't anyway!
- If I'm up here ring through.
- Anything else?
No. Yeah! Er
You're honest.
Do you think I'm ever two-faced?
- You know, a hypocrite?
- Of course you are.
- Really?
- Yeah. That's why I like you.
(Cigarette lighter clicking)
(Inhales, exhales)
(Susan) Ten minutes to go.
(Simon) Yeah.
(Susan) "Good luck, hope you get it."
(Simon) Sorry?
(Susan) You were thinking about sex.
(Simon) Sex?
(Susan) Men think about it
every six seconds.
The other five they waste
until they can think about sex again.
(Simon) Not all men
are obsessed with sex.
(Susan) No, some are dead.
So you gonna tell me what's wrong?
(Simon) No.
Yeah. Do you think I'm a hypocrite?
(Susan) In relation to what?
(Simon) To everything.
(Susan) Do you want me to lie?
(Simon) No.
(Susan) Yes.
(Simon) Lie.
(Susan) No, then.
Thanks.
You know the drill, yeah?
I do know how to eavesdrop.
I'm a professional.
(Sucking and slurping)
(Simon) She sounds like
the Elephant Man.
You should hear her eating Pot Noodle.
- Call me when you hear.
- Don't forget my Mars bar.
- Nervous?
- I'm fine.
- Were you about to wish me luck?
- Goes without saying.
That'll be why you haven't said it.
- We're running a bit behind, sorry.
- No problem.
By the way, Arnie Lawson's talk
will be to the whole year.
- Sorry?
- His parents don't want him singled out.
- But I
- They've got a point.
(Clare) Supposing someone's done
something seriously wrong.
As head of year
how would you deal with it?
It depends what they'd done.
Threatening behaviour.
Violence. Drugs.
Teacher or pupil?
Sorry. Erm
If it was violence
I'd make sure I involved you.
That puts the message out
that the school won't tolerate it.
What if it was drugs?
Initially I'd try
to deal with it myself,
put myself in their place,
say I did the same when I was young.
I might get the parents involved.
Depending on what they're like.
Some of them make Genghis Khan
look like a well-meaning bloke.
In which case I'd only be making things
worse for the pupil.
(Jenny) Rules are there for a reason.
I don't want to come across as some sort
of ogre - which I'm not, by the way.
I can't watch The Waltons
without tissues.
(Laughs nervously)
You've got to
let them know who's boss
or they'll run rings round you.
So you might not win
any popularity contests
but staying in control is what counts.
Thanks to Page I've been
grounded for a week.
- Women, eh?
- They didn't want to.
It was only cos
you let it blow up in public.
This drugs talk's for the whole year.
You're off the hook now.
I suppose.
- Bit wound up, aren't we?
- No, I'm fine.
..a healthy dose of pain
A choice is facing you
as you stare through the ♪
- So how's the Sonya situation?
- I took your advice
- Did it work?
- No.
But we are back together again.
- Serious stuff, then.
- Yeah.
We might get a place together.
What? You're 16, for God's sake!
So? Don't you live with your girlfriend?
No. Best way, believe me.
Why?
Well, because it's
what everyone expects you to do.
It's conventional.
- I'm just not like that.
- And what about her?
Sh-She's not like that either.
What is she like?
She's, er.
enigmatic.
You mean you don't know
what she's on about.
No, what I'm saying is that you just
can't judge a book by its cover.
You know what I mean?
- No, not really.
- Never mind.
Come on, we've got an anti-drugs talk
to attentively listen to.
I don't know why Clare's done this.
The last people these kids respect
are the police.
Yeah. Mind you,
some coppers are all right.
- Are you OK?
- Well, one or two, then.
One, maybe.
Juliet Bravo, she was all right.
Except she was a fictional character.
But there's probably policewomen
out there just like her.
There could be!
I hate to tell you but the Teletubbies
aren't real either.
Try and act like you haven't
heard this all before.
You might actually enjoy it.
Yeah, right!
(Subdued chatter)
(Chatter stops)
(Maggie) So it won't just be your lives
you're affecting.
It'll also affect
the lives of those around you.
The bottom line is
I'm not gonna tell you to just say no.
You have to make your own choices
so just make sure
that they're the right ones.
OK.
That's it.
Thank you, Sergeant Peters.
I hope you've all taken that in.
OK, off to your next lesson.
Quietly, please!
- That was excellent.
- (Laughs) Thanks!
- Well done for staying awake.
- It was a pleasure.
It was good.
Oh. Good enough to take me
for a drink tonight?
Oh, sorry. I'm, er, I'm Maggie.
This is Susan and Jenny.
I'll see you out.
OK. See you later.
All that anti-authority bullshit
and he's going out with a policewoman!
What are you doing?
Why did you tell them who you are?!
The students - I didn't realise
you meant your colleagues as well.
Pity we couldn't stay and chat.
- I know how busy you are.
- Exactly. This was a favour.
I know and I'm grateful.
You were brilliant.
D'you think she handcuffs him
to the bed?
I'll see you later, all right?
So you're on for a drink tonight, yeah?
Well, I may have to do overtime.
- I'll call you.
- Yeah.
- See you.
- See you.
(Cracks knuckles)
Did you notice Simon didn't introduce us
to Maggie before?
I don't know why.
She seemed really nice.
I think I might know why.
- Maybe I shouldn't say anything.
- Maybe you should.
- He made a pass at me.
- Oh, he was only joking.
Didn't look like a joke to me.
(Buzzer)
Do come in.
It's me. The eagles have flown
back in the nest.
They're in with Clare now!
I'll call you later.
(Brian) What is it then?
Is it the uniform?
- (Kurt) Got to be.
- Does she wear it in bed?
- Does she wear stockings?
- Forget she's a policewoman!
She's just a normal female
like any of them in here.
- Well
- (Phone)
Liz? They're on their way here!
Well? What do you mean
you don't know who got it?
Liz, don't do this to me!
Sorry?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
course I got you one.
Gotta go.
(Clare) If you could
spare a moment
- Who's she smiling at?
- Hard to tell.
After seeing both candidates,
both of whom were excellent,
I'd like to take this opportunity
to publicly welcome Susan
- Yes!
- ..as the new head of year.
- Fancy a celebratory shandy?
- I'm going with Jenny. Join us.
Well, save it for another night, yeah?
Bad luck.
(High-pitched voice)
We're saved!
What time do you finish?
I'll spend my hard-earned pittance
on a slap-up meal.
Can't. I told you, I'm working.
- 'Can't you say you're ill? Rabies?'
- No, gotta go.
(Horn honks)
Sure you won't come for a drink?
Er Can't. Got stuff to do.
With your policewoman?
Don't worry, Simon.
I'm sure it won't affect
your street cred.
(Cheering)
(Mimicking police siren)
(All jeering)