The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Read the next one, Marcia.
Hey, this one's a beaut.
"Dear Libby, My boyfriend Ralph
says he loves me for my mind
"but, for my birthday,
he bought me a bikini.
Signed, 'What do you think?'"
"Dear 'What do you think?'
I think the same thing you think."
That's what I like about Libby.
She gets right to the point.
What is the point?
I told you she's too young
to understand yet.
It won't be long.
This kind of stuff
makes you grow up quick.
Are those letters for real?
Of course. Dear Libby gets letters
from people all over the country.
Come on. Get to the next one.
Yeah, get to the next one.
Okay.
"Dear Libby, We have
a terrible problem in my family."
Come on, read.
It's just a dumb old letter.
You guys look at the comics.
Honey, do you have
section "B," page five?
Well, no. I thought you had it.
Maybe it got mixed up.
CAROL: Marjorie Mack's
wedding is continued on that page.
I was right in the middle
of a battle on a college campus.
Over what? What's left?
Probably demanding
classroom credit for rioting.
Now, now, dear.
Your generation gap is showing.
I'm going to go and get another paper.
Dad, let me go!
Marcia where did you come from?
I was just passing through.
I'll get another paper.
Wait a minute. What time is it?
I've already done all my homework.
But it's dark outside.
Not very.
Greg! Greg'll go with you.
Oh, Dad, I'm old enough.
Yeah, Dad? I would like for you, please,
to go out with Marcia
and get another newspaper.
There's a page missing from this one.
Do I have to? Yes, you have to.
I'll miss the end of my show.
It's a rerun. I'll tell you all about it.
Who did it, the butler or the doctor?
What? The show.
What show?
The TV show. Who killed him?
Oh, I don't know.
You said you'd seen it.
Shh! What's the matter with you?
Keep your voice down.
I had to say something.
What do you mean, you
had to say something?
Because, if I hadn't, Dad
would've gone for the paper.
So what? He would've gotten one.
I repeat: So what?
Shh!
MIKE: Marcia
close the closet doors.
What's going on?
We can't let our parents read that paper.
You figure they're getting
too old for the news?
Listen, Greg, that page
they're looking for wasn't lost.
So what happened to it?
I took it.
You took it?
You're really weird.
You won't say that when you see it.
Just read this.
Here's your paper, Mom.
Oh, thanks, Greg. Thanks, Marcia.
We were glad to do it, weren't we, Greg?
Oh, sure.
Thanks, honey.
Well, of all the
What?
Well, this page has
a big black ink spot on it.
It doesn't seem to be a very good night
for page five, section "B."
The printing press must've gone haywire.
That's the trouble with machines
you can't depend on them.
You ask me, they're on their way out.
What? Machines.
Yeah, none of them seem
to work right anymore.
I heard about this one newspaper
that printed a million copies of page nine
right on top of page eight,
and left page nine blank.
I heard about that, too.
Really? What paper was that?
Boston Times. Chicago Post.
Boston Times. Chicago Post.
Is my riot readable?
Mm-hmm.
The wedding's here.
There's something else missing,
but I can't think what it is.
As long as it isn't "Peanuts."
I take back what I said
about your generation gap.
Oh, Peter, you be the lookout.
Okay.
Shh! What's going on?
What am I looking out for?
Our parents, dummy.
You want some advice?
When you grow up, don't
try to get into the FBI.
Never mind the lookout.
Just close the door.
Now, listen, you guys.
We got you all together
'cause this is something important,
and we're all involved.
So you tell them, Marcia.
No, you.
Well, maybe we should just read it.
I mean, maybe you should just read it.
You're the oldest. But you read better.
You guys gonna horse around all night?
If it's that important, somebody read it.
And quick. I have to burp my doll.
Okay. This was in "Dear Libby's"
column tonight.
"Dear Libby, We have
a terrible problem in my family.
"I have three children of my own,
"and three additional children
from a recent marriage.
"I had no idea three new children
"could cause so much trouble.
"Should I continue pretending
to love these new children,
"and wait until they wreck my marriage,
or should I get out now?"
It's signed "Harried and Hopeless."
What's so important about that?
Well, don't you see, Bobby?
Three children and three new children.
That letter's about us.
We don't know
anybody named Harry Hopeless.
That's "Harried and Hopeless."
What makes you so sure it's us?
It could be anybody.
Sure. Anybody who just
happens to have three kids
and then marries
someone with three kids.
What's the matter?
I don't hear anything.
What's the matter with that?
Six kids and no noise
that's what's the matter
with that.
I've never heard such a loud silence.
Maybe they all went to bed.
What about those trips to the kitchen
to stave off starvation until morning?
Cries in the night for water?
Somehow, going to bed
turns every kid into a dehydrated camel.
Do you think we should check on them?
No. Marcia and Greg said they would.
It's so quiet I can't think.
I know. I've read the same
sentence three times,
I still don't know what it means.
Well, I think we should check on them.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're going to let sleeping children lie.
You mean somebody doesn't love us?
Somebody doesn't love the new children.
We're not the new children. They are.
We are not!
Now, that depends on
who wrote the letter.
Right. If it's a woman,
the boys are the new children.
And, if it's a man, we are.
What did "Dear Libby" say?
"Dear 'Harried and Hopeless, '
"Give it a try a little while longer.
It just might work."
And that's good.
'Cause that'll give us
a chance to do something.
Like what?
Like behave ourselves.
I mean, really behave ourselves.
Like act nice and do
our homework and stuff?
Yeah, and keep our rooms picked up,
and help around the house,
and go to bed without being told.
Don't fight with each other,
be polite,
and wash our hands and faces
and comb our hair.
Nobody'll recognize us.
We've got to do it.
For Mom and Dad.
Boy, keeping them married
sure is going to be hard work.
And then they washed the windows
after they came home from school today
without being told.
Now they're out there
cleaning up the garage.
They even weeded the garden.
Maybe we ought to take
their temperatures.
( Soft music playing on TV )
Hey, I was watching that.
It's time for the ball game.
Big deal. It's an important game.
Missing a dumb game won't hurt you.
Nobody but a dumb girl
would say a dumb thing that.
If I'm dumb, you're super-dumb.
If you're so smart,
how come you're a girl?
What's the matter?
Peter came in and switched channels
There's an important
game on right this minute,
and she was watching a
Would you knock it off?
We're supposed to be
on our best behavior.
What's wrong in here?
Nothing.
I thought I heard an argument.
GREG: Oh, that was on TV.
They're, uh telecasting
a peace conference.
There. I won.
You cheated!
I did not!
Besides, you didn't see me!
I did, too!
You're a sore loser!
You're a sore winner!
Cindy, Bobby, be quiet.
But he cheated!
Only once!
Stop it, both of you.
Remember
Any trouble in here?
Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Fine.
Fine.
That's more like it.
What are you doing here?
Well, I couldn't sleep.
That's a crazy sleeping pill.
If I wake up in the middle of the night,
at least I'll know why.
Sorry I woke you.
Oh, you didn't.
I couldn't sleep either.
Fix you one?
Why don't I just have half of that one?
Okay. I'll pour the milk.
What's on your mind, dear?
What else? The kids.
What have they done wrong?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I know.
Every now and then,
I get the feeling I'm in the wrong house.
My girls never went through
a phase like this before.
Did the boys?
No. Something is drastically wrong.
Is this a top secret meeting?
Oh come on in.
Sorry we woke you.
Oh, you didn't. I couldn't sleep.
There's a lot of that going around.
Make you a sandwich?
I'll make it. You skimp.
If this is an open meeting,
I'd like to introduce
a subject for discussion.
MIKE: Feel free.
What's the matter with the kids?
We were just talking about
that. We wish we knew.
They say anything to you?
Not a peep.
But something's bugging them.
I think I'll just have to ask them, that's all.
Would you do it tomorrow?
If there's anything I can't stand,
it's a perfect kid.
And six of them. Yecch!
I'll drink to that. Yecch!
Yecch!
Hi.
Hi, Alice.
Wh what are you doing?
Trying to find out what you're doing.
Just raking some leaves.
You ask a foolish question,
you get a foolish answer.
Can we have a little talk?
Well, I I really got to get this done.
Uh-huh.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Can we have a little talk?
Well, I'm kind of busy.
Why are you trimming the lawn?
Because it's here.
Why do people climb mountains?
Well, so far today,
I'm batting a thousand.
Come on. I want you kids
to level with me.
What's going on?
Greg, what's going on?
We're gardening. That's what's going on.
Okay, that's enough of the small talk.
Come on, you two. Front and center.
Sit down over here.
Come on.
Keeping your room spotless,
washing behind your ears,
eating everything on your plate
that's bad enough.
But this doing chores around the house
without being asked is too much.
You six do-gooders
are driving me right up the wall.
Either you tell me
what's going on around here,
or I'll tell all the kids at school
the way you're behaving.
Alice, you wouldn't!
Wouldn't I?
I'll fink out to every kid
under 15 I can find.
Now, for the last time,
tell me what's behind all this.
Well, it's on account of Mom and Dad.
This problem involves
your mother and father,
and you haven't discussed it
with them yet?
You two are pretty unfair to your folks.
Raking the leaves and trimming
the lawn isn't going to help,
but talking things over with them might.
Maybe she's right.
Let's tell them.
Okay. You tell Mom and I'll tell Dad.
Come on.
Now, say, I'm not the prying type,
so I won't to ask you
what the problem is.
But, if you want any practice telling them,
I'm a very good listener.
Practice makes perfect.
And you think this letter is about us?
Well, how many families are there
with three old children
and three new children?
I don't know, but I'm glad
you finally decided to show me the letter.
"Dear Libby"?
Well, yeah.
The lady that gives
advice in the newspaper.
And you thought this
was a letter about us?
Well, sure, Dad.
What else could we think?
Oh, Greg. Don't you know
there are any number of families
with children from previous marriages?
But not with three kids apiece.
But I thought we were all
getting along so well.
We are.
Then how could you think
I would write such a letter?
Mom, we didn't say you wrote it.
And, even if we did, I wouldn't
try to solve a problem
by writing to "Dear Libby."
Dad, the letter didn't say.
"Harried and Hopeless" was a man.
You look terrible.
I have a right to.
Let me get you a cup of coffee.
Thanks.
I take it you had that talk with the kids.
Oh, yes.
Maybe I'd better have
a cup of coffee, too.
Fire when ready.
Well, you know Dear Libby's column.
Oh, yeah. I never miss It.
Well, you missed this one.
Read the second letter.
( Muttering )
Hey, how about that?
She has three kids,
and he has three kids.
Just like
Exactly.
You mean the kids saw this
and thought
They thought,
if they behaved themselves,
"Harried and Hopeless"
would stay married.
Crazy kids.
Well, you've got to admit
there are quite a few coincidences
between the family in the letter and ours.
About 110%.
Right.
Alice
you've known Mr. Brady
a lot longer than I have.
Well, you don't suppose
Don't be silly.
Mr. Brady would never
do a thing like that.
I didn't think so.
He wouldn't write a letter
like that in a million years.
Oh, Alice, you don't know
how much I appreciate this.
Of course you're right.
You bet I am.
You don't work for a man all those years
and not know what kind of a man he is.
Mr. Brady write that letter?
Ha!
Thank you, Alice.
Alice
you know that column in the paper
called "Dear Libby"?
Yeah, I've heard of it.
Yeah.
Read that second letter.
That's yesterday's paper.
I got another copy.
Hmm.
Interesting.
You think it applies to us?
"Us"?
Yeah. "Harried and
Hopeless" has three children
and married somebody
with three children.
Three and three.
I'd have to say that's pretty close.
Yep. That's what I'd have to say, all right.
Alice, do you think Carol
could have written that letter?
Mrs. Brady?
Why, Mrs. Brady wouldn't write
a letter like that
in a million years.
A billion years.
Well, I I guess not.
I'm surprised you could
have thought such a thing.
Well, I guess it's just that
men don't understand women.
( Vacuum cleaner whirring )
What are you doing?
Oh, I I was just wondering
if, uh, these chairs would look
better facing the fireplace.
Oh. Well, let's see.
Mike?
Hmm?
I really couldn't blame you
if you had written the letter.
What letter?
The one to "Dear Libby."
Oh, that letter.
Well, let's see.
How do you like the chairs like this?
The table's got to go the other way.
Oh, yeah.
No, I couldn't blame you
if you'd written it either.
I'd certainly understand if you had.
So would I.
I guess the end table
has to go over there.
After all, it can't be easy for one to adjust
to a whole new family.
No. Well, not for some people.
You'd think, though, that he
would have confided in his new
Or "her."
Spouse.
Yeah, you'd think so.
In fact, I think it would be a good idea
if they talk the whole
thing over right now.
That is if
if he has anything to say.
Or "she."
You know something?
What?
I hate the room this way.
So do I.
Mike?
Oh, hi, honey.
Mike
Hmm?
We've always been honest
with each other,
and it's silly to beat around the bush
about something that
might be very important.
Yeah, yeah.
So, here goes.
I didn't write that letter to "Dear Libby."
I'm perfectly happy
with my three new sons
and my wonderful new husband.
Oh.
( laughing )
I didn't write that letter either,
and I adore my wife and
my three new daughters.
Oh
What a relief.
Now, how are we going
to convince the kids?
Hmm. Well, they're watching
a television show now.
As soon as it's over, we'll talk to them.
Oh, good.
( Western movie plays on TV )
Should me and kitty
get worried now, Alice?
Nah. The sheriff will
be along any second.
( Doorbell rings )
Don't get up, Alice. I'll get it.
I'll get it, dear.
Race you for it.
Beat you.
Mr. and Mrs. Brady?
Yes. Yes.
You don't know me.
I'm Elizabeth Carter.
Most people refer to me as "Dear Libby."
I write a column.
You certainly do.
What a surprise!
It's very nice to meet you.
Dear Libby.
Won't you come in and meet my fam?
Won't you come in?
Well, the fact is, I never make calls
at the homes of people who write to me,
but this was such an usual case,
I felt that it was justified.
Oh, we're very glad to have you here.
Recently, I printed a letter in my column
written by someone who signed it
"Harried and Hopeless."
Since then, I've received
seven letters from the same address
all begging me to reveal
the name and address of the writer.
It seems that the original letter
was causing a great deal of confusion
in a similar household.
So, I dropped by to meet
"Kitty Carryall"
"Feeling Awful"
"Desperately Worried"
"Down in the Mouth"
"Real Frantic"
"Guilt Complex"
Oh, and there's one more:
"Innocent Bystander."
You'll all be happy to know
that the original letter
from "Harried and Hopeless"
came from Kingsford, Illinois,
2,000 miles from here.
KIDS: Yay!
Oh, that's marvelous.
( Kids laughing and shouting )
( Kids cheering )
I sure am glad we're not Harry Hopeless.
( All laughing )
Imagine all the kids writing "Dear Libby."
Alice, too.
Well, obviously, that letter in her column
wasn't written by either one of us.
Well, I don't suppose
you thought for a minute
that I was "Harry Hopeless."
Me? Are you kidding?
I know you wouldn't do a thing like that.
Whatever? Oh.
Well, maybe I did write
"Dear Libby" like the kids did,
but I never would have mailed it.
I didn't mail mine either.
( Both laughing )