The Change (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS
O Mother, my mother
Cruel mother country
How sweetly your siren-song sounds
o'er the sea
If it weren't for your arms,
an orphan I'd be
O Mother, my mother
Cruel mother country ♪
I've a mind to smash the dead
fucker's headstone in,
like they did with Savile's.
I could have been a lion tamer
if I took that scholarship.
And I a magician. He's still right,
you know, David Copperfield.
Weren't just careers we lost, Carm.
We could have had any man
in this town.
Or dog. Gave our whole lives
to that calf,
and this is how he thanks us.
We won't hand our legacy
over to some undeserving bastard
without a fight.
I'll get psychic Sandra to get
hold of him, tear him a new one.
He won't answer! The dead coward.
If Faither thinks he's had the last
word by dying,
he's got another think coming.
KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh.
Oh!
Ooh, God.
Ooh. Oh.
Oh! Oh.
Oh! Ooh!
Mm!
Thank you!
Lovely.
PHONE RINGS
OK!
Bye, then!
Pick up, Linda!
Steve's told me you've gone to find
a time capsule in a tree
in a forest of 20 million trees!
Well, he might have fallen
for it, but I haven't.
And what's all this shit
about a chore ledger?
We're women, Linda.
This is what we do.
It's what we've always done.
What makes you so bloody special?
Nothing. That's what.
So stop whingeing and moaning
about being a woman, and come home!
The kids said Steve smells already.
Today's show is about men's
sense of entitlement
and where it comes from.
I was at a friend's daughter's
ninth birthday recently
and we were about to do the cake,
and her little brother came out
with a poo on a plate with
nine candles stuck in it.
And his mum, my friend, laughed.
And you know, it got me thinking
that we don't have the same levels
of tolerance for little girls'
behaviour.
If a little girl came out with a poo
on a plate with a candle stuck
in it at her brother's birthday,
we would have her psychologically
assessed, as little girls
were asked to smile,
be nice, put that pigeon down.
Is it our reluctance to call out
the bad behaviour of boys
what leads to their sense
of superiority and entitlement?
And is that the root cause
of everything that's wrong
in the world? Lines are open
Chemically castrate all boys!
Yeah, you can't keep calling in
and saying that, Becky.
Right, line two, Agnes.
There ain't going to be no Eel King
at this year's Eel Festival.
We're having a woman instead.
Well!
That's going to ruffle some feathers.
CYNICAL LAUGH
Brian on line three.
I don't understand why you has to
have an Eel Queen
when tradition says it's always
Sorry, Brian. The line seems to be
coming out. I can't really
Shh!
And lastly, one final reminder
before I hand over to the Verderer,
Tony's tackle will be out again for
my life drawing class tonight.
Great news about the Eel Queen, Verderer.
Not today, Joy.
I'm not in the mood.
Joy. Can I?
Yes. All right. Thank you.
SIGHS HEAVILY
Hot flush?
Yeah. I'm on my seventh of the day.
CHUCKLES
Oh, I'm sorry about the bell,
by the way.
Shouldn't you just take it off or
maybe put a sign up warning people?
No, no. Everyone knows. It's simple.
If we're talking, no walking. Oh.
SIGHS
God. Phew!
Is that? Tony.
Yeah, Tony. Yeah, I met him in the
pub last night.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Really captured the essence
of him, haven't they?
I hear the caravans looking pukka.
Eh?
News travels fast around here, Linda.
Hey! Coffee?
Yes, please.
Yeah, that'd be lovely.
He's sweet.
They. Ryan's nonbinary.
He says it like it is, taking
on the wokerati one snowflake
at a time, giving it to you straight
and unfiltered
It's the Verderer.
Good morning. Good morning.
I was going to speak to you about
immigration on the show today
and ask you, with the NHS in
crisis, isn't the taxpayers' money
better spent dealing
with an Englishman's cancer
than an African's aids?
But that will have to wait
till tomorrow because today
we are up against it with
the feminazis.
That's right. You'll have heard of
the Eel Sisters' ridiculous,
frankly, offensive idea of replacing
the Eel King with a queen
this Eel Festival. Well, not if I've
got anything to do with it,
they won't!
LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY
I'm all for equality
of the sexes, you know.
But not if that means
men missing out.
The men of this town have got nothing.
Nothing!
And you take away their Eel King,
well, that's the type of thing
that tip them over the edge.
And with male suicide rates
at an all-time high, today
I'm asking, is feminism
literally killing men?
Listen to this.
PLAYS SONG
Crikey!
He had a really hard lockdown. Oh.
First he lost a sister
and then he lost his job.
He actually went out to the forest
to end it all.
But then he saw some nesting
birds in an old oak tree
and he couldn't bear to do
it in front of them.
Oh.
We were just talking
about your uncle.
Every family has a problematic uncle
that they have to tolerate
over Christmas, but Ryan lives with
theirs all year round.
Is everything OK?
If you're still around Saturday,
you should come to our
cat speed-dating night.
Speed-dating for cats?
I set up a charity matching
homeless cats up with the elderly
and we have a date night in the pub.
Oh, that's nice!
Yeah, it gets pretty wild.
We had to pay for security.
Biting, scratching, spraying
all over the bars and furniture.
The cats are no trouble, though.
Ryan! Ah! Ahh!
Oh
You should tell those Eel Sisters
you don't like eels or they'll keep
leaving them on your step for you.
What?
Don't worry. You'll get used to the
forest grapevine.
Oh, I need to go as well, actually.
I hope you find your tree.
I'm Joy, by the way.
Jesus! They'll be telling me
the colour of my pants next!
MAN: Beige!
Please send Anthony, help me
to find my tree.
INSECT BUZZES
Huh!
Huh!
PERSON HUMS A TUNE
Oh!
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
I didn't mean find it on the first
day, Saint Anthony!
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, mother of Jesus!
STRAINING
It's time, Lin!
SCREECHING
SCREECHING
Come, come, come, come, come!
Come on.
Whoa! Jesus!
You scared the shit out of me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, woo!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've got pepper spray up here
if you try anything.
Is it coarse or ground?
What, you think this is funny?
A lone woman trapped up a tree?
I'm sorry. It was just a little joke
to try and put you at ease.
What are you doing, anyway?
I was I was given the all clear
for the boar.
This is where they come
for their breakfast.
The boar?
Yeah. The wild pigs.
There's wild pigs? Yes.
Here? Yeah.
Now? Yeah, and they're a little bit
confused now.
Oh. Oh, THEY'RE confused?
Yeah, because I told them
it was safe, and then I told them
to wait - because of you.
Can you ask them to wait
a little bit longer?
Oh, they won't hurt you. Please!
OK. OK.
I'll warn them off.
Home, home, home! Home, home, home!
Come on, girls and boys!
Home, home! Home, home, home!
Come on, girls and boys! You
know, you men should be more
self-aware of how threatening
you can be to lone women.
You know, you've killed
more women than cancer
wars, malaria and traffic
accidents combined.
Well, I try and keep myself busy.
Oh, my God! Oh, shit.
What did I just say? I'm sorry.
It looks like you know your way
around a rope.
Yeah, well, it's been a while,
but it all came back.
The porkers wouldn't have harmed
you, by the way.
They're only young'uns.
They lost their mum.
This is where they come
for their morning truffles. Right.
So why? Some people want to keep
their numbers down.
I don't really agree with that
so I try to keep an eye on them.
You keep an eye out for the pigs
when they're digging for truffles?
Yeah. Oh.
Tha that's nice.
I've not seen you around here
before, have I?
What were you doing up there? Oh,
I was looking for something
but it's gone.
It was a really long shot.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Maybe the starlings made
a nest of it.
Maybe they did.
Hmm!
Why don't I make you a nice
cup of coffee? Perk you up a bit?
Oh Only if you
Yeah, why not? Oh, good.
OK. I'll just, erm, text
Yeah, I'm just around the corner.
let them know. Of course. Yeah.
Where Iwhere I am.
Here we are. Ooh!
Lovely. My veranda.
Mm!
Come on in.
It's not Buckingham Palace,
but it's home. Come in.
Ooh, it's a cave!
I'll get the coffee on. Wow.
Oh, I'm Linda, by the way.
Oh, I'm sorry - William.
But my friends call me Pig Man.
Nice to meet you, William.
Nice to meet you, Linda.
How did you end up living
in here like this?
Fate, I guess. I followed my gut.
Were you in the military
or the SAS or something?
No, I was a numbers man. Hmm?
Big job in the city. But adding
up other people's money all day
didn't amount to much for me. I felt
like I was squandering my time.
I can relate to that.
What about you?
Numbers woman. Oh.
Is that your daughter?
Yeah.
Sweet.
What about you? You got any kids?
No. It's very clean in here.
Why wouldn't it be? I'm not
an animal.
Which is a silly thing to say,
because I am.
I mean, we are animals, aren't we?
Mm.
Animals? Humans?
Who's making the mess
in this world, I wonder.
Sorry. I went off on one, then.
No, it's good. Humans ARE messy.
I've always been very house-proud.
Cave-proud now.
GRUNTS
Okeydokey.
What's the matter? Never seen a man
frothing milk before?
Yes, I have, actually. Just
not in a cave surrounded by pigs.
HE CHUCKLES
You should get out more often.
There we go.
Oops. Should be nice and frothy now.
I hate it when there's no froth!
Oh, damn. I've only got one cup.
Oh, you don't make coffee
for every woman you find trapped
up a tree, then? I do, yeah.
But then I have to kill them afterwards
and bury the cup with them.
Sorry. It's OK. It's funny.
Sometimes I burn them.
Oh, no, that's enough now.
OK. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Nice and frothy, isn't it?
GULPS
You like it?
It's always better when someone
else makes it, isn't it?
CUPBOARDS AND DRAWERS BANGING
Carm! Out of there!
You've got enough dildos now.
I'll never have enough!
That is the best coffee I've
ever had. Thank you.
Well, the porkers should be
having their siesta now,
so it's a good time to make
a dash for it.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Come on, I'll show you to the path.
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks.
Laptop cushions. 46.
Empty dishwasher. Two minutes, ten.
Talk to neighbour re dogshit.
15 minutes, seven seconds.
Cleaned up plates. Two minutes, 30.
Sex with Steve.
One minute 20.
No!
Lampshades get dusty?
PHONE RINGS
Hello, Siobhan!
Abandoning your own children.
You're worse than Magda Gobbles.
It's Goebbels, I think.
And I haven't abandoned them.
They're with their dad.
AND I'm sending them pictures
of the moon.
Well, they can't eat pictures
of the moon!
People will judge you for this.
No, they won't. They won't know.
What do you mean, they won't know?
Well, I'm not telling anyone
I'm married with kids.
I don't want to be asked about them
all the time.
I don't know what the big
deal is, Siobhan.
I'm just having some time to myself.
Trying to find some time capsule
in a stupid tree.
Yeah, well, that didn't work out.
I've found it already.
The capsule wasn't there.
SIOBHAN LAUGHS
It's not funny, Siobhan.
LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
It's really not that funny.
Saint Anthony!
Yes. Who else?
So you're coming home now, then?
Linda? I don't I don't know. But
I shouldn't need a reason to stay.
Dads go away
on their own all the time.
Joe Wicks went off on his Triumph
and no-one batted an eyelid.
I've had enough of this
whingy women shit.
Just grow up and come home!
HORN BEEPS
And you can fuck off!
Nice to see a bit of old meat.
May I?
What's that? Death notices?
See, the problem with these
new-fangled gender neutral toilets,
Linda Like many blokes, I enjoys
a big old fart when I urinate,
Not in front of the ladies.
No, because I am a gentleman.
That's how I've been brought up.
They don't call me Tony Bond
for nothing.
But what someone looks like ain't
always what they are.
Some people looks like gentlemen,
but are ladies.
And some people looks
like ladies, but are gentlemen.
Some of them are neither, and some
of them are both
ladies and gentlemen.
They move about, you know?
But if I can't ask someone
what they is or what they isn't
for fear of causing offence, how do
I know who I'm allowed to fart
in front of when I'm at a urinal, urinating?
Hmm.
It's a nightmare.
Maybe just don't fart.
What, don't fart
while I'm urinating? Don't fart
in front of anyone,
regardless of gender.
Yeah.
I suppose I could do that. Yeah.
Never really thought about it
before. There you go, then. Yeah.
I don't know what I'm doing here, Tony.
You're here to get laid, Linda,
like the rest of us.
I'm really not.
Drink? I'll get them.
You might break something
on the way.
Yeah. Every woman's heart, eh?
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you
I'd be kissing.
Oh, Sally, my dear,
it's you I'd be kissing.
She smiled and replied, "You
don't know what you're missing."
Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish
I could wed you
Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish
I could bed you.
She smiled and replied ♪