The Goes Wrong Show (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
The Pilot (Not the Pilot)
1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome back
to Play of the Week,
where each week
a new play is performed live
in front of a studio audience,
here in Cornley
and broadcast to the nation.
I am Chris Bean,
the Director.
This episode is
a World War II spy thriller.
A play not often performed,
due to what critics called
offensive historical
inaccuracies,
caused by the author's
lazy research.
I am delighted to say
we will be joined by
a special guest star
this evening.
My father, Raymond Bean
has taken the time out
of his busy schedule
of writing letters
of complaint to The Guardian,
to play the part
of Randolph Wycombe.
He is currently running late
but one of our other actors
has stepped in
for the meantime
and we will proceed.
This episode is "The Pilot."
It's not the pilot episode,
it's an episode about a pilot.
So, I suppose it is
technically a pilot episode,
though it is not
the pilot episode,
though it is called
"The Pilot."
So, now everything's clear!
The actors are prepared,
the stage is set.
Please enjoy The Pilot,
not the pilot.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Seven Four Nine. Test.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Nothing yet, Lieutenant.
Six damn months, Val.
Six months working
with the most advanced
technology available to man
and we're no closer
to cracking the German code.
Argh!
You all right?
It's my leg again.
Damned embarrassing
getting shot down
on my first flight
and look what
I've got to show for it.
You mustn't worry, Rufus.
I don't care one jot
about appearances.
My old kite, Dorothy's
sat out there on the runway
gathering dust.
I'm stuck here,
unable to even walk.
You really ought to take
some leave, Lieutenant,
I do worry about you.
You do?
Ah, Ms. LeClaire.
Bonjour, cherie.
Any luck with
the latest transmission?
It, um, bibliotheque.
All right.
E.T.M: Beep.
Incoming telegram.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim.
It's from Commander Wycombe.
-Did you get it?
-Yes.
He's going to call you
directly, Corporal.
He says he wants
some answers.
We will crack this code,
we just need more time.
We must steel ourselves.
It is as
Monsieur Napoleon said,
"La mort n'est rien,
"mais vivre vaincu Et
"Et voulez-vous coucher
avec moi?"
I'm sorry,
I've let you all down.
I'm not a codebreaker
any more than I am a pilot.
I'm heading upstairs
to my quarters.
Oh, God.
Rest up.
I just need a moment
to clear my head.
Ah, Valerie,
he is a handsome man, no?
There's no time
for fraternizing
at Caraway House,
Ms. LeClair.
You must put
any personal feelings
you have aside.
Then so must you.
I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.
Now, there's a war to be won.
Look at Adolf Hitler,
do you know
what he has done?
He has moved his troops
through the Ardennes,
right into the heart
of France.
And he'll get
further than that
if the rumors
of the mole are true.
Camille, I won't
tell you again,
there is no mole.
The Germans could never
infiltrate Caraway House.
I hope you are right,
Valerie,
for all our sakes.
[PHONE RINGING]
This is Corporal Sky.
Sky, this is
Commander Wycombe.
It's been
too long sweetheart.
Sir.
Now, you've been
working on this code
for months
and still no success.
Well, these things
take time, sir.
Time is the one damn thing
we don't have, Sky.
I'll be with you at 0700 hours
and I expect to be furnished
with some good reason
as to why I shouldn't close
Caraway House.
Is that clear?
-Yes, sir.
-Now, take down
my aircraft security clearance.
Alpha, Charlie, one, nine,
two, nine
Thank you.
Alpha, Charlie, one,
nine, two, nine, Foxtrot.
-Have you got that down?
-Yes, sir.
-Send me through
your co-ordinates.
-Mmm-hmm.
By telegram.
Over and out.
Goodbye, sir.
-Hello.
-Goodbye.
-Who was that?
-Wycombe.
He's flying over,
he'll be here soon.
Why must headquarters
always interfere?
I'm sending through
our co-ordinates.
He threatened to close Ca
Buzz.
He threatened to close
Caraway House
You and Wycombe,
you have history, no?
Perhaps you can
persuade him
to give us more time?
I don't like
what you're suggesting,
Ms. LeClaire.
Well, do you want him
to close us down?
He won't shut us down,
I have an idea.
What?
Where's that
transcribed message
from this morning?
Here.
This message ends
with two words,
four characters then
Four characters then
Stop it.
Four Four characters
then six.
As did the transcribed
message from the 11th.
If we assume
these two words
are the same
then bang
Argh!
we have our key.
We just need to know
what the German radio op
signed off with.
What would
any German radio operator
sign off with?
Heil Hitler.
That's it, Val.
I'll plug that
into the machine.
Oh, this is brilliant.
You are brilliant,
Lieutenant.
Let's get to work.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Anything yet, Lieutenant?
Still processing.
She just needs
a few more minutes
and we'll know
if we've cracked
the German code.
E.T.M: Beep.
Incoming telegram,
must be from Wycombe.
Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim.
Wycombe is a spy.
No, that's not for now.
There's another message.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim vim.
The German's
didn't attack Plymouth,
there must a spy at
No, that's not the message.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim.
-The war is over.
-No, it isn't!
Try again.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim?
Oh, Wycombe
is about to arrive.
Right, good,
we already knew that.
We mustn't waste any time.
We already have.
Look, I can see his plane.
Attention!
Good to see you again,
Valerie,
it's been too long.
Commander.
Oh, come on, Val,
don't tell me
you've forgotten the time
we spent in Monaco.
[CHUCKLES] Bosch!
No, sir.
Good to have you with us,
Wing Commander,
may I take your bag?
No
Yes, I've been carrying it
around all day.
You have arrived
at a very exciting time,
Commander.
We believe
we are on the verge
of a big discovery.
Well, you've all been given
too much slack here.
ROBERT: Come on!
Oh, crap. Come on.
[SCREAMS]
ROBERT: I'm all right.
So, this is the machine
that cost King Henry VIII
one hundred thousand pounds.
She contains components
from all the allied countries.
Over 4,000 connections
a second.
Isn't she magnificent?
This is a complete waste
of time and resources.
I am shutting
this operation down
right now!
[CODE BREAKING MACHINE
CLUNKS AND BEEPS]
-She's done it.
-Done what?
Deciphered the code.
She works!
Camille, you speak
the best German.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[SPEAKING GERMAN HESITANTLY]
Neunundneunzig luftballons.
Oh, there's going to be
an attack on Plymouth tonight.
My God, call that
into HQ right now.
This is Lieutenant Heal
radioing from Ca
From Caraway House.
Report
[STRAINED] Report of
a German air attack
on Plymouth tonight.
Advise Fighter Command
to scramble
to defensive positions.
MAN: Message received
loud and clear.
[PANTS]
It's done.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Congratulations, everyone.
Well, let's not get
carried away.
Never forget that
Germany and England
are still very much at war.
[CHURCHILL AND HITLER LAUGHING]
It's true,
Churchill would never let
his guard down
and nor can we.
But you've all worked
through the night.
Let's take two hours rest
and we'll reconvene
at zero nine one zero,
zero nine one zero
nine hundred and
Zero Ten past nine.
And Sky,
I'd like a word with you
after my shower.
Yes, sir.
-And Heal
-Sir?
I underestimated you.
I can't believe you did it.
We all did it, Camille.
Oh, you are modest.
Thanks to you
we could win
the Vietnam War
and liberate my homeland.
I am so very grateful to you
for what you have done.
No, not yet.
Really, Camille,
I couldn't have done it
without you and Val.
And we would have
been lost without you.
No!
I may no longer
be able to fight
but I'll do whatever I can.
You are a brave man.
-[WHISPERS] Now.
-Hmm?
No, Ms. LeClair, I cannot.
I see.
It is Valerie for whom
your heart beats, no?
-Perhaps
-Hmm.
It is as we French say,
se prendre une
Frere Jacques
Dormez vous
Sonnez les matines.
Ding, dang, dong.
Oh!
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Uh, no,
I was just heading upstairs
to my quarters.
And I was heading up to mine.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[RUFUS GROANING]
Get the door. Get the door.
[GRUNTING]
CAMILLE: All right,
pull me in.
Sky, pass me another towel,
would you?
There's a good girl.
Sir.
Damn fine shower.
Much obliged.
Tell me honestly Sky,
do you miss what we had?
I know I do.
Please, I was just sport
to you.
Oh, but the nights of passion.
Come on, Val,
don't tell me
you've forgotten these
Bosch!
Please, Wing Commander.
Oh, let your
guard down, Val.
We're all alone.
Nobody can see us.
Let's not waste
any more time, Sky.
Kiss me.
[MOANING]
No, Commander.
Tell me you don't want me
right now.
Oh!
This is our chance.
You can stop pretending, Sky.
You're a woman
with woman's needs,
[CHUCKLES]
don't tell me
you're not tempted
by my steely body.
Huh!
Admit it, you can't resist.
I can and I will.
You can run away
from me, Val,
but you can't run away
from how you feel.
I really must be
getting back to my quarters.
[EXHALES]
[ALL GROANING]
She'll be back.
They always come back.
E.T.M: Beep!
Telegram.
Oh, about time.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim.
[SPEED SLOWS DOWN]
Vim vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim vim.
Out of paper.
Vim vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim.
Low on ink.
Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim vim.
[CONTINUES MIMICKING E.T.M.]
-How do you spell Plymouth?
-It doesn't matter!
Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim.
Good lord!
The Germans
didn't attack Plimmley-mooth
They must have known
we were ready for them.
But you know what that means.
You were right,
there's a German mole
at Caraway House
Perhaps the place is bugged?
Hidden microphones?
Here? [ECHOES] Impossible.
High command
are sending down
Moncrieffe.
ALL: [GASP] Moncrieffe!
The spy hunter.
No one leaves this room
until he arrives.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
NARRATOR:
Talk of the spy hunter's
imminent arrival
caused tension
among the team.
Someone at Caraway
was a traitor.
Could it be Valerie,
Rufus, Camille?
With every hour that passed,
the situation grew
more tense.
I can't believe the Jerrys
are onto us.
All that work,
all that secrecy
and one of our inner circle
has betrayed us.
It's so embarrassing.
Churchill would never
get caught
with his trousers
down like this.
-You were supposed to freeze it.
-Big thighs
Sorry, we were just
refitting the trousers.
Just stand away
from the window!
Mine need refitting too.
Get off, just get off!
Chris, that tone
is exactly why
everyone said
you should play Hitler.
Get out!
[SHOUTS] Right.
Churchill would
never get caught
with his trousers
down like this.
-I'd have to [SCREAMS]
-[SCREAMS]
Just lending them mine.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
-Shall I take mine off too?
-No!
[VALERIE CLEARS THROAT]
Our efforts
haven't been wasted, Rufus.
They knew we were ready
for them at Plymouth
but they may not know
we've broken the code.
You're right, and look,
-here comes Moncrieffe.
-[PLANE SOUND EFFECT PLAYS]
[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-I'll do one more
-Thank God you're here!
Lionel Moncrieffe,
spy catcher.
I shall begin
my interrogations immediately.
Excellent, I must be
getting back to headquarters.
Nobody leaves
until the spy is caught.
You first, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Rufus James Heal.
I've looked through
your file.
Impressive.
Now, this is a polygraph.
The latest technology
from the Americans.
It detects the most minute
electrical signals,
so I'll know
if you're lying.
Let's begin.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Where are you from.
Lieutenant?
-Harrow.
-[MACHINE BEEPS]
-Correct.
And your family,
were they British?
Yes.
-[MACHINE DINGS]
-Lies!
-It, it can't be.
-I I'm not
Are either of
your parents Germans?
Are either of
your parents Germans?
Are either Are either
of your parents Germans?
Yes! Yes, all right,
my mother was German born
but she moved here
when she was a child.
She's as British as you or I.
Oh, Rufus.
You falsified your papers.
Of course, they wouldn't
have let me fight otherwise.
Don't raise your voice to me.
[SHOUTS] I'm not the spy.
Does that pass your damn test?
To hell with the test.
I don't trust you.
I'm handcuffing myself
to you
until I'm convinced
that you have
nothing left to hide.
This man is clearly the mole,
and I have him trapped.
Whoa!
Well done, Moncrieffe.
Now that's all solved
I'll get back to HQ.
E.T.M: Beep!
CAMILLE: Telegram!
Vim vim vim vim vim vim.
Wait!
HQ is infiltrated.
Camille is the spy.
No, she isn't.
Are there any
other telegrams from HQ?
Erm, vim vim vim vim vim?
Val is the spy.
No.
Not Val.
Vim?
How could it be you?
You're a machine!
Is it you?
-No!
-Is it Rufus?
I am Rufus!
I thought you were Hitler.
No!
So, who is it then?
Wycombe!
-Who's Wycombe?
-She's Wycombe!
I thought your dad
was Wycombe.
No, because he's
not here, is he?
Oh, hi, Chris.
It's too bloody late now,
Dad, get out!
It's an air raid.
-[ALARM BLARING]
-It's an air raid!
I can see a German plane
right overhead.
Where's Wycombe?
He's run away, look,
the door is wide open.
Argh!
That plane's not a bomber,
it's a fighter.
Looks like an escort.
Ha!
It's Wycombe in that plane.
We mustn't let him get away.
But who'll catch him?
Dorothy will.
I can't fly Dorothy,
not without my leg.
I believe you can.
Petit Filous.
All right.
I'll see you
on the other side.
VAL: Good luck, Rufus.
I'm most pleased
you'll be returned
to the fatherland
Heir Wycombe.
There is a warm welcome
for you waiting in Berlin.
As long as I get
my money, I'll be happy.
Good Lord, what the devil
is that?
Wait, wait I'm not ready.
I'm not set yet
[SCREAMS] Ahhh!
-It's the Brit!
-Open fire.
RUFUS: Help me.
Damn it, we'll lose him
in the clouds!
[SCREAMING]
He's totally fearless!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
I have never seen
such skill.
RUFUS: Oh, God.
I think we've lost him.
Mayday, mayday,
we're going down.
Ahhh, I'm going to be sick.
I did it, I'm coming home.
E.T.M: Vim vim
vim vim vim.
-It's dark
-The war is over.
I'm sure you and Rufus
will be very happy together.
Oh, Valerie,
the Lieutenant
only has eyes for you.
It is as the Spanish say
Ah!
La la la la la la Bamba.
Val, Camille, look!
There's a visitor here
to see us.
[GASPS] Mr. Churchill!
[GRUNTS]
I wanted to come
and express
my gratitude personally
by giving you this.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Mmm. Ah!
You've done something
truly remarkable, Heal.
No-one will ever forget
the 19th of February 1961.
The day Hitler was shot down
in a plane over Devon.
Congratulations, Lieutenant,
or should I say
The King.
Oh, Rufus.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
You really are
a damn fine pilot.
Valerie,
would you accompany me
to dinner tonight?
I'd be delighted.
Perhaps you'd all care
to dine with me tonight
at number six?
It would be an honor.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Bon.
Vim.
You've all certainly made
Winston Churchill very proud.
Except,
I'm not the real
Winston Churchill.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
I'm [CONTINUES LAUGHING]
I'm not the real
Winston Churchill,
I'm I'm Nein,
I'm not the real
Winston. [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
I'm not the real,
I'm not the real
Winston Church
I'm Winston Churchill.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome back
to Play of the Week,
where each week
a new play is performed live
in front of a studio audience,
here in Cornley
and broadcast to the nation.
I am Chris Bean,
the Director.
This episode is
a World War II spy thriller.
A play not often performed,
due to what critics called
offensive historical
inaccuracies,
caused by the author's
lazy research.
I am delighted to say
we will be joined by
a special guest star
this evening.
My father, Raymond Bean
has taken the time out
of his busy schedule
of writing letters
of complaint to The Guardian,
to play the part
of Randolph Wycombe.
He is currently running late
but one of our other actors
has stepped in
for the meantime
and we will proceed.
This episode is "The Pilot."
It's not the pilot episode,
it's an episode about a pilot.
So, I suppose it is
technically a pilot episode,
though it is not
the pilot episode,
though it is called
"The Pilot."
So, now everything's clear!
The actors are prepared,
the stage is set.
Please enjoy The Pilot,
not the pilot.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Seven Four Nine. Test.
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Nothing yet, Lieutenant.
Six damn months, Val.
Six months working
with the most advanced
technology available to man
and we're no closer
to cracking the German code.
Argh!
You all right?
It's my leg again.
Damned embarrassing
getting shot down
on my first flight
and look what
I've got to show for it.
You mustn't worry, Rufus.
I don't care one jot
about appearances.
My old kite, Dorothy's
sat out there on the runway
gathering dust.
I'm stuck here,
unable to even walk.
You really ought to take
some leave, Lieutenant,
I do worry about you.
You do?
Ah, Ms. LeClaire.
Bonjour, cherie.
Any luck with
the latest transmission?
It, um, bibliotheque.
All right.
E.T.M: Beep.
Incoming telegram.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim.
It's from Commander Wycombe.
-Did you get it?
-Yes.
He's going to call you
directly, Corporal.
He says he wants
some answers.
We will crack this code,
we just need more time.
We must steel ourselves.
It is as
Monsieur Napoleon said,
"La mort n'est rien,
"mais vivre vaincu Et
"Et voulez-vous coucher
avec moi?"
I'm sorry,
I've let you all down.
I'm not a codebreaker
any more than I am a pilot.
I'm heading upstairs
to my quarters.
Oh, God.
Rest up.
I just need a moment
to clear my head.
Ah, Valerie,
he is a handsome man, no?
There's no time
for fraternizing
at Caraway House,
Ms. LeClair.
You must put
any personal feelings
you have aside.
Then so must you.
I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.
Now, there's a war to be won.
Look at Adolf Hitler,
do you know
what he has done?
He has moved his troops
through the Ardennes,
right into the heart
of France.
And he'll get
further than that
if the rumors
of the mole are true.
Camille, I won't
tell you again,
there is no mole.
The Germans could never
infiltrate Caraway House.
I hope you are right,
Valerie,
for all our sakes.
[PHONE RINGING]
This is Corporal Sky.
Sky, this is
Commander Wycombe.
It's been
too long sweetheart.
Sir.
Now, you've been
working on this code
for months
and still no success.
Well, these things
take time, sir.
Time is the one damn thing
we don't have, Sky.
I'll be with you at 0700 hours
and I expect to be furnished
with some good reason
as to why I shouldn't close
Caraway House.
Is that clear?
-Yes, sir.
-Now, take down
my aircraft security clearance.
Alpha, Charlie, one, nine,
two, nine
Thank you.
Alpha, Charlie, one,
nine, two, nine, Foxtrot.
-Have you got that down?
-Yes, sir.
-Send me through
your co-ordinates.
-Mmm-hmm.
By telegram.
Over and out.
Goodbye, sir.
-Hello.
-Goodbye.
-Who was that?
-Wycombe.
He's flying over,
he'll be here soon.
Why must headquarters
always interfere?
I'm sending through
our co-ordinates.
He threatened to close Ca
Buzz.
He threatened to close
Caraway House
You and Wycombe,
you have history, no?
Perhaps you can
persuade him
to give us more time?
I don't like
what you're suggesting,
Ms. LeClaire.
Well, do you want him
to close us down?
He won't shut us down,
I have an idea.
What?
Where's that
transcribed message
from this morning?
Here.
This message ends
with two words,
four characters then
Four characters then
Stop it.
Four Four characters
then six.
As did the transcribed
message from the 11th.
If we assume
these two words
are the same
then bang
Argh!
we have our key.
We just need to know
what the German radio op
signed off with.
What would
any German radio operator
sign off with?
Heil Hitler.
That's it, Val.
I'll plug that
into the machine.
Oh, this is brilliant.
You are brilliant,
Lieutenant.
Let's get to work.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Anything yet, Lieutenant?
Still processing.
She just needs
a few more minutes
and we'll know
if we've cracked
the German code.
E.T.M: Beep.
Incoming telegram,
must be from Wycombe.
Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim.
Wycombe is a spy.
No, that's not for now.
There's another message.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim vim.
The German's
didn't attack Plymouth,
there must a spy at
No, that's not the message.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim.
-The war is over.
-No, it isn't!
Try again.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim?
Oh, Wycombe
is about to arrive.
Right, good,
we already knew that.
We mustn't waste any time.
We already have.
Look, I can see his plane.
Attention!
Good to see you again,
Valerie,
it's been too long.
Commander.
Oh, come on, Val,
don't tell me
you've forgotten the time
we spent in Monaco.
[CHUCKLES] Bosch!
No, sir.
Good to have you with us,
Wing Commander,
may I take your bag?
No
Yes, I've been carrying it
around all day.
You have arrived
at a very exciting time,
Commander.
We believe
we are on the verge
of a big discovery.
Well, you've all been given
too much slack here.
ROBERT: Come on!
Oh, crap. Come on.
[SCREAMS]
ROBERT: I'm all right.
So, this is the machine
that cost King Henry VIII
one hundred thousand pounds.
She contains components
from all the allied countries.
Over 4,000 connections
a second.
Isn't she magnificent?
This is a complete waste
of time and resources.
I am shutting
this operation down
right now!
[CODE BREAKING MACHINE
CLUNKS AND BEEPS]
-She's done it.
-Done what?
Deciphered the code.
She works!
Camille, you speak
the best German.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[SPEAKING GERMAN HESITANTLY]
Neunundneunzig luftballons.
Oh, there's going to be
an attack on Plymouth tonight.
My God, call that
into HQ right now.
This is Lieutenant Heal
radioing from Ca
From Caraway House.
Report
[STRAINED] Report of
a German air attack
on Plymouth tonight.
Advise Fighter Command
to scramble
to defensive positions.
MAN: Message received
loud and clear.
[PANTS]
It's done.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Congratulations, everyone.
Well, let's not get
carried away.
Never forget that
Germany and England
are still very much at war.
[CHURCHILL AND HITLER LAUGHING]
It's true,
Churchill would never let
his guard down
and nor can we.
But you've all worked
through the night.
Let's take two hours rest
and we'll reconvene
at zero nine one zero,
zero nine one zero
nine hundred and
Zero Ten past nine.
And Sky,
I'd like a word with you
after my shower.
Yes, sir.
-And Heal
-Sir?
I underestimated you.
I can't believe you did it.
We all did it, Camille.
Oh, you are modest.
Thanks to you
we could win
the Vietnam War
and liberate my homeland.
I am so very grateful to you
for what you have done.
No, not yet.
Really, Camille,
I couldn't have done it
without you and Val.
And we would have
been lost without you.
No!
I may no longer
be able to fight
but I'll do whatever I can.
You are a brave man.
-[WHISPERS] Now.
-Hmm?
No, Ms. LeClair, I cannot.
I see.
It is Valerie for whom
your heart beats, no?
-Perhaps
-Hmm.
It is as we French say,
se prendre une
Frere Jacques
Dormez vous
Sonnez les matines.
Ding, dang, dong.
Oh!
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Uh, no,
I was just heading upstairs
to my quarters.
And I was heading up to mine.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[RUFUS GROANING]
Get the door. Get the door.
[GRUNTING]
CAMILLE: All right,
pull me in.
Sky, pass me another towel,
would you?
There's a good girl.
Sir.
Damn fine shower.
Much obliged.
Tell me honestly Sky,
do you miss what we had?
I know I do.
Please, I was just sport
to you.
Oh, but the nights of passion.
Come on, Val,
don't tell me
you've forgotten these
Bosch!
Please, Wing Commander.
Oh, let your
guard down, Val.
We're all alone.
Nobody can see us.
Let's not waste
any more time, Sky.
Kiss me.
[MOANING]
No, Commander.
Tell me you don't want me
right now.
Oh!
This is our chance.
You can stop pretending, Sky.
You're a woman
with woman's needs,
[CHUCKLES]
don't tell me
you're not tempted
by my steely body.
Huh!
Admit it, you can't resist.
I can and I will.
You can run away
from me, Val,
but you can't run away
from how you feel.
I really must be
getting back to my quarters.
[EXHALES]
[ALL GROANING]
She'll be back.
They always come back.
E.T.M: Beep!
Telegram.
Oh, about time.
E.T.M: Vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim.
[SPEED SLOWS DOWN]
Vim vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim vim.
Out of paper.
Vim vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim.
Low on ink.
Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim vim vim vim.
[CONTINUES MIMICKING E.T.M.]
-How do you spell Plymouth?
-It doesn't matter!
Vim vim vim vim
vim vim vim.
Good lord!
The Germans
didn't attack Plimmley-mooth
They must have known
we were ready for them.
But you know what that means.
You were right,
there's a German mole
at Caraway House
Perhaps the place is bugged?
Hidden microphones?
Here? [ECHOES] Impossible.
High command
are sending down
Moncrieffe.
ALL: [GASP] Moncrieffe!
The spy hunter.
No one leaves this room
until he arrives.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
NARRATOR:
Talk of the spy hunter's
imminent arrival
caused tension
among the team.
Someone at Caraway
was a traitor.
Could it be Valerie,
Rufus, Camille?
With every hour that passed,
the situation grew
more tense.
I can't believe the Jerrys
are onto us.
All that work,
all that secrecy
and one of our inner circle
has betrayed us.
It's so embarrassing.
Churchill would never
get caught
with his trousers
down like this.
-You were supposed to freeze it.
-Big thighs
Sorry, we were just
refitting the trousers.
Just stand away
from the window!
Mine need refitting too.
Get off, just get off!
Chris, that tone
is exactly why
everyone said
you should play Hitler.
Get out!
[SHOUTS] Right.
Churchill would
never get caught
with his trousers
down like this.
-I'd have to [SCREAMS]
-[SCREAMS]
Just lending them mine.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
-Shall I take mine off too?
-No!
[VALERIE CLEARS THROAT]
Our efforts
haven't been wasted, Rufus.
They knew we were ready
for them at Plymouth
but they may not know
we've broken the code.
You're right, and look,
-here comes Moncrieffe.
-[PLANE SOUND EFFECT PLAYS]
[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[THRILLING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
-I'll do one more
-Thank God you're here!
Lionel Moncrieffe,
spy catcher.
I shall begin
my interrogations immediately.
Excellent, I must be
getting back to headquarters.
Nobody leaves
until the spy is caught.
You first, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Rufus James Heal.
I've looked through
your file.
Impressive.
Now, this is a polygraph.
The latest technology
from the Americans.
It detects the most minute
electrical signals,
so I'll know
if you're lying.
Let's begin.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-Where are you from.
Lieutenant?
-Harrow.
-[MACHINE BEEPS]
-Correct.
And your family,
were they British?
Yes.
-[MACHINE DINGS]
-Lies!
-It, it can't be.
-I I'm not
Are either of
your parents Germans?
Are either of
your parents Germans?
Are either Are either
of your parents Germans?
Yes! Yes, all right,
my mother was German born
but she moved here
when she was a child.
She's as British as you or I.
Oh, Rufus.
You falsified your papers.
Of course, they wouldn't
have let me fight otherwise.
Don't raise your voice to me.
[SHOUTS] I'm not the spy.
Does that pass your damn test?
To hell with the test.
I don't trust you.
I'm handcuffing myself
to you
until I'm convinced
that you have
nothing left to hide.
This man is clearly the mole,
and I have him trapped.
Whoa!
Well done, Moncrieffe.
Now that's all solved
I'll get back to HQ.
E.T.M: Beep!
CAMILLE: Telegram!
Vim vim vim vim vim vim.
Wait!
HQ is infiltrated.
Camille is the spy.
No, she isn't.
Are there any
other telegrams from HQ?
Erm, vim vim vim vim vim?
Val is the spy.
No.
Not Val.
Vim?
How could it be you?
You're a machine!
Is it you?
-No!
-Is it Rufus?
I am Rufus!
I thought you were Hitler.
No!
So, who is it then?
Wycombe!
-Who's Wycombe?
-She's Wycombe!
I thought your dad
was Wycombe.
No, because he's
not here, is he?
Oh, hi, Chris.
It's too bloody late now,
Dad, get out!
It's an air raid.
-[ALARM BLARING]
-It's an air raid!
I can see a German plane
right overhead.
Where's Wycombe?
He's run away, look,
the door is wide open.
Argh!
That plane's not a bomber,
it's a fighter.
Looks like an escort.
Ha!
It's Wycombe in that plane.
We mustn't let him get away.
But who'll catch him?
Dorothy will.
I can't fly Dorothy,
not without my leg.
I believe you can.
Petit Filous.
All right.
I'll see you
on the other side.
VAL: Good luck, Rufus.
I'm most pleased
you'll be returned
to the fatherland
Heir Wycombe.
There is a warm welcome
for you waiting in Berlin.
As long as I get
my money, I'll be happy.
Good Lord, what the devil
is that?
Wait, wait I'm not ready.
I'm not set yet
[SCREAMS] Ahhh!
-It's the Brit!
-Open fire.
RUFUS: Help me.
Damn it, we'll lose him
in the clouds!
[SCREAMING]
He's totally fearless!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
I have never seen
such skill.
RUFUS: Oh, God.
I think we've lost him.
Mayday, mayday,
we're going down.
Ahhh, I'm going to be sick.
I did it, I'm coming home.
E.T.M: Vim vim
vim vim vim.
-It's dark
-The war is over.
I'm sure you and Rufus
will be very happy together.
Oh, Valerie,
the Lieutenant
only has eyes for you.
It is as the Spanish say
Ah!
La la la la la la Bamba.
Val, Camille, look!
There's a visitor here
to see us.
[GASPS] Mr. Churchill!
[GRUNTS]
I wanted to come
and express
my gratitude personally
by giving you this.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Mmm. Ah!
You've done something
truly remarkable, Heal.
No-one will ever forget
the 19th of February 1961.
The day Hitler was shot down
in a plane over Devon.
Congratulations, Lieutenant,
or should I say
The King.
Oh, Rufus.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
You really are
a damn fine pilot.
Valerie,
would you accompany me
to dinner tonight?
I'd be delighted.
Perhaps you'd all care
to dine with me tonight
at number six?
It would be an honor.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
Bon.
Vim.
You've all certainly made
Winston Churchill very proud.
Except,
I'm not the real
Winston Churchill.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
I'm [CONTINUES LAUGHING]
I'm not the real
Winston Churchill,
I'm I'm Nein,
I'm not the real
Winston. [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
I'm not the real,
I'm not the real
Winston Church
I'm Winston Churchill.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]