The Paper (2025) s01e02 Episode Script
The Five W's
1
Print is permanent, okay?
It's like true love.
That's why my first issue here
is such a big deal.
-Okay.
-Hey.
Oh! That was fast.
Just got a few things
and threw them around.
-Hey, where did you get that?
-Oh! Good eye.
This is a 1926
Underwood Standard Portable
-that once belonged
-I meant the coffee.
Where is there a Birch Brothers?
Just by me.
Do they offer you
a nerd discount
if you mention
your vintage typewriter?
-A modest one. Yes.
-Sure.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-How is your new digs?
-Oh, they're amazing.
Fit for a king. Ahem.
Just fine. Is everything okay?
-Everything is great!
-Okay.
-I have my couch, my desk
-Uh-huh.
everything I need
and so close together now.
-That is good.
-Yeah.
Do you mind if I come in
for a second?
Oh, please.
-Just here?
-Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
So, um, I couldn't, uh, help,
uh, but notice that yesterday
there was a little tension.
But I'd like to be friends,
if we can.
So would I.
I mean, I I would love
to be friends with you.
Oh, that makes me so happy.
Ooh, well, we're about to have
my first staff meeting,
-if you wanna
-Oh, wow. I might skip it.
Because they are like children
and I think
it would be a trauma for them
to see two mommies at once,
right?
But you can catch me up later,
maybe for lunch!
-Okay. Yes, let's do that!
-Okay.
-Let's do lunch.
-Okay.
-Fantastic.
-Fantastic.
See ya, friend.
-Ah!
-Whoa!
Hello, welcome.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for coming.
Hello.
All right.
Uh
Do you wanna join?
Um
I
Okay.
Welcome,
volunteer print journalists,
to your first staff meeting
as reporters
for the Toledo Truth Teller.
This is great. This is great.
I, uh,
I brought a few questions.
How many of you have actually
written for a paper before?
Uh-huh.
Anyone else?
I-I'm an accountant.
I don't know if my computer
even has
any word processing software.
It can be any kind of paper.
It can be a high school paper.
Junior high school paper.
-I wrote a paper in junior high.
-Not quite the same thing.
-I've tweeted.
-You've tweeted.
-I'm in a group text.
-Okay.
I'm gonna Barry, I mean, you,
you currently work
as a reporter, right?
-So that's, what
-Oh, yes. Yes.
I'm a reporter for
the Toledo Truth Teller, Ohio.
Great.
This?
This is terrific.
All right. Uh
You know what, I thought
that you could get to know me
by checking out three
of my favorite ever issues
of this beautiful,
historic paper.
-Oh!
-"Shepard Orbits the Earth!".
-"Doctor Salk Cures Polio".
-That's good news.
-"Victory in Europe!"
-Mystery solved.
Huh?
I don't think
we take framed antiques
off the wall, do we?
What were you gonna do,
auction them off?
-No.
-No?
-No.
-I nearly called
-the authorities.
-Okay.
I nearly searched
people's desks.
I'll put them back
once we're done.
Said the fox to the farmer.
No, no, Ned.
I'll put them back. Thank you.
And I may electrify them.
Or indeed electrify one,
and you won't know which.
You know what? I think
I think we'll leave it there
for today.
Do they have more to learn
than I originally thought
before they can replace
our APwire? Maybe.
But do you know who absorbs
information even quicker
than anyone else on the planet?
Babies.
Because they don't have
any competing
anything.
It's just blank,
like the faces in that room.
-First issue, here we come!
-Let's do it!
Whoa, easy there.
Hey, can I have, uh,
can I have some of this?
-Uh, yeah. Sure, dive in.
-Yeah. Looks good.
That popcorn
was a gift to Maria,
who had my desk before me,
from Enrique,
who used to work in sales.
They have two kids now.
Oh, ooh, the the, uh,
the Senate vote.
Ooh, yeah.
Huh.
Um, there's no wire service.
What? MARE: Yeah.
Screw you,
that's not a valid password.
I know my dog's birthday.
-Try again.
-No. Look.
CNN, Bloomberg, AP,
New York Times, no access.
Anytime I click it, it just says
"Subscribe today".
-Hey, Ned.
-Hey.
For our lunch,
um, do you like shellfish?
Or are you more a sausage boy?
We Sorry.
I'm a little distracted.
-Uh, the wire's not working.
-Yeah.
That was supposed to be
a surprise!
But, uh, yes. I canceled it.
You cut the w
You cut the wire?
Yes. From my little office.
You were so inspiring
this morning.
I thought, we can do this.
We can write stories
using our own imagination!
-And Marv is so happy!
-No.
This is a huge problem,
Esmeralda.
Oh, he's worried
he won't get credit.
I gave you credit, duh!
No. No, no.
We need to find stories
to send to print today,
so that we can have a newspaper
come out tomorrow.
-It's my first issue, come on!
-Why are you so anal?
You will inspire something.
And I can't wait to read it!
See you at lunch!
What's the deadline
at the printing company?
Six o'clock.
Pacific?
Meeting resumed!
Everyone back in
the conference room, right now!
Meeting resumed.
Same group as before.
After you all walked out
earlier,
I was like, you know what?
What am I doing?
These guys are ready.
They don't need training.
They just need assignments,
right now!
Let's go! NED: Yes!
-You can still use that.
-Uh, is everything okay?
Because your face is sweating
and your neck is turning red.
Yeah, thank you. That's
No, that's good observing.
Any ideas at all, let's go.
I saw a beautiful woman
driving a bus.
That's an interesting thought.
I think that perhaps we need
something longer. It was good.
I couldn't find a parking space
at the dog park today.
Mm, that's literally
the most boring thing
I've ever heard
in my entire life.
-Eat an ass, Travis.
-Okay. Anything else?
Uh, we could do a countdown
to the McRib coming back.
Oh, I like that.
What? It'll pressure them.
It's a good idea.
Yeah, it's an amazing idea,
for the dumb ideas section.
Do we have a dumb ideas section?
Not yet.
We don't have
a dumb ideas section
Hmm, why don't we do a story
about a local accountant
who gets her car
all keyed up by me tonight?
Uh, how about local everybody
sick of fat guy
talking about his drone
all the time?
-That's not cool.
-You're right, it wasn't. Sorry.
I think we should We should
keep on track here, okay?
There has to be an app
that tells you
what's going on
around town, right?
Yes, yes!
Everyone, on your phones.
-Technology will save us.
-Neighbor.
-Citizen.
-Nextdoor?
What What's Citizen?
It shows you
all the crime in your area,
kinda like Pokémon Go,
but for muggings.
Oh, sh Um
I love Pokémon Go.
There's a man with a machete
two blocks away from here.
Wait, I gotta create an account?
-Eh
-Ooh.
Okay, Waze says
there's a burst water main
on Central and North Reynolds.
That's a nasty intersection.
If you're ever in Toledo,
avoid it.
That's fantastic.
You wanna go there now,
and get some quotes
from some city workers
or something?
-Yeah.
-On it.
Oh, no, Barry,
I was actually talking to Mare.
-I'll look into flights.
-All right. Both of you go.
That's good. Get him
out of the office. Great combo.
No, we don't need
to book a flight.
Uh, that, uh, that parking thing
you were talking about?
Go and see
if anyone else has noticed.
And try to get quotes.
-Remember the five W's.
-Is that a gang?
No. It's, uh, who, what,
when, where, why.
It's what they teach you
in journalism school.
So not a gang.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know
if this is anything,
but they changed
the fishing limit
at the Wildwood Preserve.
-A law changed?
-Yeah.
That's great. When were you
gonna mention that?
I assumed everyone knew.
It's on Fishchat.
-Uh, did you get anything?
-No. I created an account.
Now it says
I need a minimum balance.
-Why don't you go with Travis.
-Okay.
-Let's do it.
-I don't need this anymore?
No. All right, so that's
that's three stories.
What about a letter
from the new guy at the paper?
Fantastic idea! Yes!
A letter from me,
the new editor!
You And what you can do
is you can get
You can What can you do?
Why don't you do
the general crime scour?
-You're on crime app watch.
-Okay.
Seven highly motivated,
tenacious Buckeyes
are out there right now,
hunting for news.
You'd be a fool
to bet against that.
Hey, how much would it cost
for one day of wire service?
That's outrageous.
Hey, hey! Go! Go!
Drive safe!
How much water you think
will be in the street?
Oh, God.
What a thing for a child
to have to see.
Check your dingers
for syphilis, kid.
If you don't know what
that means, ask your Grandma.
Ugh, you know what?
I wish I brought my waders.
Waders, water main, syphilis.
You're making me need to pee.
Pull over. Quick.
Thanks.
Come on, Barry. It's time to go.
I just hope I have
half of Barry's energy
and brains when I'm 150.
-Ah!
-Oh, my God. Barry?
Ah, Jiminy Crickets.
Hey. Did you find anything?
Well, uh, I'm a single woman
living alone.
-Okay.
-Yeah, so I can't do this.
I-I can't go and look
for crime in the city,
because I need
my bubble of ignorance.
I like my bubble.
I understand.
We're just on a teeny-weeny bit
of a time pressure situation
here.
Right. So let's
just switch assignments.
What, you want to write
my letter from the editor?
Sure.
Uh, so here is the number
for the police department,
fire department,
morgue, and poison control.
Truth Teller? MARE: Hey.
We got a problem. Um
Barry stepped on a crate
and cut up his leg.
-I had to call an ambulance.
-I'm dying.
No, you're not dying.
Also, you know,
I should probably have
your cell phone number
because Esmeralda listens
on this line.
Okay.
TTT, Truth Teller?
You picked up already.
Hey. Can you still get
to the water main break?
-What?
-Yeah.
-No!
-No. I know. Yeah.
He made me promise
to ride with him.
Okay, well, I mean,
could the ambulance
swing by the water main break
on the
On the way to the hospital?
I don't know that we have time
for a pit stop.
Okay. Well, get Barry settled
and then check back in, okay?
And keep your eyes open
at the hospital! Ask what's new.
Yeah. For sure.
Okay.
I've got five W's already.
-Help you guys?
-Yeah.
We're reporters, local ones.
From local, here, Toledo.
This is my reporter pad
and, um
Half the parking spaces
for the dog-owning public
are being occupied by you guys,
the, uh, department
in the Parks Department.
So what do you have to say
about that?
Well, the spaces
are for employees
for us to unload our equipment.
There's a sign
right around there.
But there are plenty of spots
out on the street.
I'm not buying any of this shit.
You can answer questions here,
or you can answer them
down at the station.
I gotta get back to work.
Thank you, guys, though.
Okay. Thank you
for your service, sir.
We make a good team.
How many broken windows,
officer?
That seems very low.
Well, let me ask you this,
would you say that
the lower crime rate
could be the result
of increased police brutality?
Hello?
-Did you set everything up?
-Yeah.
We meet with the Assistant
Fish and Game Warden at 1.
Sick, thanks, man.
-Oh, you stepping it up, I see.
-Yeah,
I just want to look polished,
you know?
-I like it. Real professional.
-Thanks, man.
-Ah. Mr. Moore?
-Yes.
Assistant Fish and Game Warden
Brewster, right?
-Travis?
-Hello, Harper. How are you?
You know
you're not supposed to be here.
I'm here in my official capacity
as a reporter
okay, not your ex-boyfriend.
You have to respect me
as a member of the press.
All right?
The first amendment compels you!
Everything okay, here?
-What's up, Gary.
-I'm with Gary now, Travis.
I'm just here to ask you guys
some questions about fish.
That's it.
I warned you what would happen.
Now I have to tune you up.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold a second, Gary!
Okay, look,
we're just here as reporters.
We got one question.
One question and we'll leave.
-Right?
-Okay, yeah.
Has the bluegill limit
in the Lake Erie District
changed recently?
You know that it has.
What are we doing?
That's great. Thank you.
That's one question, we're done.
That was a setup question, Gary.
I obviously need to ask
a follow-up.
-Go, yes!
-Thank you. Follow up. Harper
is there any part of you
that still loves me?
-Dude, I warned you!
-Follow-up to that.
This is the guy that you chose?
Are you kidding me?
You Don't Get out!
Yeah. Get out now.
Ow! Ow! Ow! My foot! Ow!
I'm stronger than you are.
I thank you for your patience.
What?
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Is Ned, uh, making you do this?
-Well, he's letting me. Yeah.
-Oh. Right.
Okay, um,
I have a big emergency.
I need you to to to
defrost the freezer
right now, immediately.
Well, can Can someone else?
I wish there was someone else
I could trust with this.
But no one defrosts like you,
Nicole.
You have these young,
sturdy, strong wrists.
I mean, Nicole, the ice melts
at the sound of your footsteps.
The freezer's probably fine,
but I like to take
the path of least resistance
with Esmeralda.
Sometimes I go limp
from resisting so little.
Just slide right off my chair.
Well, if anything burns down
in the next hour or two,
you have my number. Thanks.
Hey, hey. Is this the, uh,
is this the morgue?
Hey, have any bodies come in,
in the last 24 hours?
No?
Well, could you check again?
I don't know,
like check the back?
Yeah. Like Like in a drawer
that's unlabeled, or something?
Something could've slipped
through the cracks.
Please. You're not Okay.
You're not even trying.
Could you check the back again?
If you look hard enough,
I'm sure you'll find something.
-Hey, Mr. Busy!
-Uh-huh. Oh, hey.
I just wanted to tell you
that I'm very excited
for our lunch.
Oh, you know what,
today's not a great day.
Could we do it next week?
-Well, yes. For sure.
-Thanks.
No problem. It's just
that today, I had invited Marv.
And, uh, he wanted to make it
a welcome lunch. So
Probably he's going
to be a bit disappointed.
No, yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
But just Could we do it quick?
Allora. In Italy, we think that
if a man eats quick,
he also finishes quick.
So then, Marv says, yes.
The pen might be mightier
than the sword.
But without paper,
what you gonna write on?
Oh, wow, classic.
You all right, Ned?
-Yeah,
I'm just enjoying the lunch.
Enjoying the long lunch.
Oh, well. I hope
I didn't slow things down.
I know that sometimes
I can be a little picky.
I've never seen a piece of fish
get sent back that many times.
But it became interesting.
And asking to have the head
put back on the Branzino
was perfectly reasonable,
I thought.
You know, I should go.
I Yeah.
Oh No.
Esmeralda said
you were staying for cigars.
Oh, yes.
-Down, boy.
-I don't, really?
Have a cigar, mate.
Marv, you don't know
what he has planned.
I mean, it's galactic.
Only local news.
That's why he cut the wire.
-He is a visionary.
-They're called balls.
They used to be
standard equipment.
-Pardon me.
-It's okay, I have them too.
-I'm gonna Could I take this?
-Go ahead.
-Fantastic. Thank you so much.
-It should be off.
Hello? POLICE SOURCE: Is this
the reporter who called before?
Uh, yes. Yeah.
-Here's something for you.
-Mm-hmm.
Someone called in
bragging about a murder,
taunting us to find the body.
Oh, my God. What, like a
Like a serial killer?
We can't go that far.
At this moment,
it just amounts
to a threatening creep.
But it-it could be
a serial killer, right?
This is fantastic!
-What?
-This is awful.
Have you come up with
a catchy nickname
for this creep yet, or?
I'll call you back
when we find out more.
All right, thank you, thank you.
Woo!
Uh, hey, guys.
I'm terribly sorry.
I'm gonna have to shoot off.
But I wanna say thank you
for the cupcake
and for the record, Marv,
I think my first issue
is gonna be pretty sweet.
All right, kid.
Did you see the way
he ate his cupcake?
-Visionary.
-Mm.
-Yeah.
-Excuse me.
Can I have a doggy bag, please?
Hey, you. You're young.
You know the cool things
happening around, right?
Is there anything new
in the way of like,
skating, tagging, drugging?
We're We're journalists,
we're looking for a story.
-Tell us what we wanna know.
-How much you paying?
Nothing.
We're not even getting paid.
Just answer the question.
Okay, I see how it is.
Well, the new thing around here
is, uh, Dogging, right, Ell?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Dogging.
-Everybody's doing it.
-Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I've never heard of that,
what-what is it?
Well, it's when
regular teens like us
just get together
and act like dogs.
Are you being for real? Come on.
Yeah. Awoo!
That's kind of interesting.
Oh, hey! Hey.
-Hey.
-We've
We've got something really big!
-We've got something huge.
-Okay.
Sorry, it's just
You were just the first person
I wanted to, it's good news.
That's great. What is it?
There is a serial killer
loose in town!
-Oh, God.
-Obviously, it's terrible,
but if it was gonna happen
any day of the year,
this is a good day
for it to happen.
No, it's good. It's great.
-Okay.
-Good news.
Um, it looks
like we got something.
That's a nice feeling.
-How'd it go?
-Good.
I mean, Gary Gladstone
was selling his boat,
so I sold him a two-column
classified ad for every day
until it sells.
But it'll probably go quick.
Oh! And Travis got arrested.
So there's no story.
-Yeah.
-Well
I mean, an ad's always nice.
Yep.
And they call it Dogging.
"Slipping into a more"
"A more canine way of being."
"And the itch they're getting
isn't from fleas."
-Heh. "In most cases."
-Ha, ha! Yeah, that's good.
Um, just out of curiosity,
did you guys get any quotes?
What would the quote be? Woof?
What?
Hey!
-You're welcome.
-Thank you so much!
Yes.
I checked with the principals
of two local high schools.
None of this is real.
Here's what Esmeralda left me.
"Dear Toledo,
my name is Ned Sampson."
"and I'm honored to be
the new Editor-in-Chief
of The Truth Teller".
"Yesterday, I took over
The Truth Teller
because I felt like it"
"and I would never say
I stole this job from a woman."
"I just want to extend
my thanks to my predecessor"
"Esmeralda Grand."
"Esmeralda did the greatest job
at the paper
while also being
a single mother.
Although, you would never know,
because her body is insane."
And it goes on like that
for a while.
-Nothing?
-I got sidetracked,
by the freezer.
Okay. It's okay,
the killer will save us.
Oh, my God. It's a coded letter
from the killer.
Oh, no, sudoku.
I don't, uh
I don't know if this is a trick.
It's probably copyrighted
or a series of numbers
that causes a seizure,
but
hey, the New York Times
would've shut down
without Wordle.
Great.
Hey. Yes, that's me.
Hold on. Mare?
Mare!
It's the It's the police,
they've got more info!
Hey, Nicole,
you wanna come in here,
maybe take some notes.
I think
my letter from the editor
is about to get
a lot more juicy.
Hang on.
All right. We're ready.
Okay, so here's what I know.
We're suspecting a murderer
because of a tip
from the morgue.
-Okay.
-This creep called in,
claiming there was
an undiscovered body.
Oh, my God, what did he say?
He asked them to look
in every drawer
and under tables
like he had hidden a body
and was waiting
for them to find it.
Oh.
The morgue worker
described his voice
as really breathy and insistent.
-Oh, no.
-They tape incoming calls.
-This is what it sounded like.
-Mm.
Hey, hey! Is this the, uh,
is this the morgue?
Hey, um, that doesn't sound
too bad to me.
Maybe let me know
if he calls back.
Thanks.
I don't think this story
is gonna pan out.
It's 5:38.
Don't know
what we're gonna print.
Oh, you know what?
I think I'll type up
the train schedules,
just to be safe. Sorry.
"Hi, Toledo. My name is Ned.
I'm the new editor here.
"There's an old saying,
"that no news is good news."
"It's not something
you'd usually hear
from the new editor-in-chief
of the town newspaper."
It's like having homework
every day, forever,
until the paper fails
and I lose my job.
Ah.
Woo!
"And to be honest, it wasn't
what I was planning
"on writing to you all,
"in this,
the very first printing
"of the revived
Toledo Truth Teller.
"However, as I sit here
typing these words,
"I think that today's events,
"or to reiterate,
the lack thereof,
were actually a gift."
"A slow news day is a sign
"that your city
is filled with safe,
kind people who treasure
their community."
Did you get my text?
I made it! Heh!
It's in today's paper.
Well, is it too easy?
Is it too hard?
What do you think?
Huh?
Maybe too easy for you, Stanley!
"So, we're not gonna
drum up salacious headlines"
"just to get
your hard-earned cash.
"We're gonna print
what really matters to you.
"And I'm not gonna ramble
to fill space.
"If I wanted to do that, I would
just talk about Elmore Leonard,
"and one of his great books
set in the area,
"like "52 Pickup,"
"where a Detroit businessman
named Harry Mitchell
"finds out
that he's being blackmailed
"by a trio of criminals
"who discovered that Harry
was having an affair
with an exotic dancer."
You know what?
I read an article you wrote.
About the first time
the astronauts drove
on the moon.
-It was so good.
-Yeah.
'71.
"Astronauts
tour Beautiful Valley
in first lunar motor trip."
Hmm.
"When the crooks try
to frame Harry
"for her murder,
"instead of paying them off,
"Harry decides to get even.
"It's vintage Leonard,
with a taut prose style
"and well-placed plotting
"that keeps you turning
every page.
"It was published in 1974
by Phoenix Paperbacks.
ISBN 97780753819623."
"Et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera."
Yeah.
It wasn't perfect,
but it was his first issue.
And it was
all of our original work.
Except for the first
three chapters of "Get Shorty."
It wasn't even a review,
he just quoted
his favorite novel
without permission.
Let's go! Let's go!
Uh, Jessie, let's go.
We're leaving. Come on! Now!
That's rude.
Print is permanent, okay?
It's like true love.
That's why my first issue here
is such a big deal.
-Okay.
-Hey.
Oh! That was fast.
Just got a few things
and threw them around.
-Hey, where did you get that?
-Oh! Good eye.
This is a 1926
Underwood Standard Portable
-that once belonged
-I meant the coffee.
Where is there a Birch Brothers?
Just by me.
Do they offer you
a nerd discount
if you mention
your vintage typewriter?
-A modest one. Yes.
-Sure.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-How is your new digs?
-Oh, they're amazing.
Fit for a king. Ahem.
Just fine. Is everything okay?
-Everything is great!
-Okay.
-I have my couch, my desk
-Uh-huh.
everything I need
and so close together now.
-That is good.
-Yeah.
Do you mind if I come in
for a second?
Oh, please.
-Just here?
-Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
So, um, I couldn't, uh, help,
uh, but notice that yesterday
there was a little tension.
But I'd like to be friends,
if we can.
So would I.
I mean, I I would love
to be friends with you.
Oh, that makes me so happy.
Ooh, well, we're about to have
my first staff meeting,
-if you wanna
-Oh, wow. I might skip it.
Because they are like children
and I think
it would be a trauma for them
to see two mommies at once,
right?
But you can catch me up later,
maybe for lunch!
-Okay. Yes, let's do that!
-Okay.
-Let's do lunch.
-Okay.
-Fantastic.
-Fantastic.
See ya, friend.
-Ah!
-Whoa!
Hello, welcome.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for coming.
Hello.
All right.
Uh
Do you wanna join?
Um
I
Okay.
Welcome,
volunteer print journalists,
to your first staff meeting
as reporters
for the Toledo Truth Teller.
This is great. This is great.
I, uh,
I brought a few questions.
How many of you have actually
written for a paper before?
Uh-huh.
Anyone else?
I-I'm an accountant.
I don't know if my computer
even has
any word processing software.
It can be any kind of paper.
It can be a high school paper.
Junior high school paper.
-I wrote a paper in junior high.
-Not quite the same thing.
-I've tweeted.
-You've tweeted.
-I'm in a group text.
-Okay.
I'm gonna Barry, I mean, you,
you currently work
as a reporter, right?
-So that's, what
-Oh, yes. Yes.
I'm a reporter for
the Toledo Truth Teller, Ohio.
Great.
This?
This is terrific.
All right. Uh
You know what, I thought
that you could get to know me
by checking out three
of my favorite ever issues
of this beautiful,
historic paper.
-Oh!
-"Shepard Orbits the Earth!".
-"Doctor Salk Cures Polio".
-That's good news.
-"Victory in Europe!"
-Mystery solved.
Huh?
I don't think
we take framed antiques
off the wall, do we?
What were you gonna do,
auction them off?
-No.
-No?
-No.
-I nearly called
-the authorities.
-Okay.
I nearly searched
people's desks.
I'll put them back
once we're done.
Said the fox to the farmer.
No, no, Ned.
I'll put them back. Thank you.
And I may electrify them.
Or indeed electrify one,
and you won't know which.
You know what? I think
I think we'll leave it there
for today.
Do they have more to learn
than I originally thought
before they can replace
our APwire? Maybe.
But do you know who absorbs
information even quicker
than anyone else on the planet?
Babies.
Because they don't have
any competing
anything.
It's just blank,
like the faces in that room.
-First issue, here we come!
-Let's do it!
Whoa, easy there.
Hey, can I have, uh,
can I have some of this?
-Uh, yeah. Sure, dive in.
-Yeah. Looks good.
That popcorn
was a gift to Maria,
who had my desk before me,
from Enrique,
who used to work in sales.
They have two kids now.
Oh, ooh, the the, uh,
the Senate vote.
Ooh, yeah.
Huh.
Um, there's no wire service.
What? MARE: Yeah.
Screw you,
that's not a valid password.
I know my dog's birthday.
-Try again.
-No. Look.
CNN, Bloomberg, AP,
New York Times, no access.
Anytime I click it, it just says
"Subscribe today".
-Hey, Ned.
-Hey.
For our lunch,
um, do you like shellfish?
Or are you more a sausage boy?
We Sorry.
I'm a little distracted.
-Uh, the wire's not working.
-Yeah.
That was supposed to be
a surprise!
But, uh, yes. I canceled it.
You cut the w
You cut the wire?
Yes. From my little office.
You were so inspiring
this morning.
I thought, we can do this.
We can write stories
using our own imagination!
-And Marv is so happy!
-No.
This is a huge problem,
Esmeralda.
Oh, he's worried
he won't get credit.
I gave you credit, duh!
No. No, no.
We need to find stories
to send to print today,
so that we can have a newspaper
come out tomorrow.
-It's my first issue, come on!
-Why are you so anal?
You will inspire something.
And I can't wait to read it!
See you at lunch!
What's the deadline
at the printing company?
Six o'clock.
Pacific?
Meeting resumed!
Everyone back in
the conference room, right now!
Meeting resumed.
Same group as before.
After you all walked out
earlier,
I was like, you know what?
What am I doing?
These guys are ready.
They don't need training.
They just need assignments,
right now!
Let's go! NED: Yes!
-You can still use that.
-Uh, is everything okay?
Because your face is sweating
and your neck is turning red.
Yeah, thank you. That's
No, that's good observing.
Any ideas at all, let's go.
I saw a beautiful woman
driving a bus.
That's an interesting thought.
I think that perhaps we need
something longer. It was good.
I couldn't find a parking space
at the dog park today.
Mm, that's literally
the most boring thing
I've ever heard
in my entire life.
-Eat an ass, Travis.
-Okay. Anything else?
Uh, we could do a countdown
to the McRib coming back.
Oh, I like that.
What? It'll pressure them.
It's a good idea.
Yeah, it's an amazing idea,
for the dumb ideas section.
Do we have a dumb ideas section?
Not yet.
We don't have
a dumb ideas section
Hmm, why don't we do a story
about a local accountant
who gets her car
all keyed up by me tonight?
Uh, how about local everybody
sick of fat guy
talking about his drone
all the time?
-That's not cool.
-You're right, it wasn't. Sorry.
I think we should We should
keep on track here, okay?
There has to be an app
that tells you
what's going on
around town, right?
Yes, yes!
Everyone, on your phones.
-Technology will save us.
-Neighbor.
-Citizen.
-Nextdoor?
What What's Citizen?
It shows you
all the crime in your area,
kinda like Pokémon Go,
but for muggings.
Oh, sh Um
I love Pokémon Go.
There's a man with a machete
two blocks away from here.
Wait, I gotta create an account?
-Eh
-Ooh.
Okay, Waze says
there's a burst water main
on Central and North Reynolds.
That's a nasty intersection.
If you're ever in Toledo,
avoid it.
That's fantastic.
You wanna go there now,
and get some quotes
from some city workers
or something?
-Yeah.
-On it.
Oh, no, Barry,
I was actually talking to Mare.
-I'll look into flights.
-All right. Both of you go.
That's good. Get him
out of the office. Great combo.
No, we don't need
to book a flight.
Uh, that, uh, that parking thing
you were talking about?
Go and see
if anyone else has noticed.
And try to get quotes.
-Remember the five W's.
-Is that a gang?
No. It's, uh, who, what,
when, where, why.
It's what they teach you
in journalism school.
So not a gang.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know
if this is anything,
but they changed
the fishing limit
at the Wildwood Preserve.
-A law changed?
-Yeah.
That's great. When were you
gonna mention that?
I assumed everyone knew.
It's on Fishchat.
-Uh, did you get anything?
-No. I created an account.
Now it says
I need a minimum balance.
-Why don't you go with Travis.
-Okay.
-Let's do it.
-I don't need this anymore?
No. All right, so that's
that's three stories.
What about a letter
from the new guy at the paper?
Fantastic idea! Yes!
A letter from me,
the new editor!
You And what you can do
is you can get
You can What can you do?
Why don't you do
the general crime scour?
-You're on crime app watch.
-Okay.
Seven highly motivated,
tenacious Buckeyes
are out there right now,
hunting for news.
You'd be a fool
to bet against that.
Hey, how much would it cost
for one day of wire service?
That's outrageous.
Hey, hey! Go! Go!
Drive safe!
How much water you think
will be in the street?
Oh, God.
What a thing for a child
to have to see.
Check your dingers
for syphilis, kid.
If you don't know what
that means, ask your Grandma.
Ugh, you know what?
I wish I brought my waders.
Waders, water main, syphilis.
You're making me need to pee.
Pull over. Quick.
Thanks.
Come on, Barry. It's time to go.
I just hope I have
half of Barry's energy
and brains when I'm 150.
-Ah!
-Oh, my God. Barry?
Ah, Jiminy Crickets.
Hey. Did you find anything?
Well, uh, I'm a single woman
living alone.
-Okay.
-Yeah, so I can't do this.
I-I can't go and look
for crime in the city,
because I need
my bubble of ignorance.
I like my bubble.
I understand.
We're just on a teeny-weeny bit
of a time pressure situation
here.
Right. So let's
just switch assignments.
What, you want to write
my letter from the editor?
Sure.
Uh, so here is the number
for the police department,
fire department,
morgue, and poison control.
Truth Teller? MARE: Hey.
We got a problem. Um
Barry stepped on a crate
and cut up his leg.
-I had to call an ambulance.
-I'm dying.
No, you're not dying.
Also, you know,
I should probably have
your cell phone number
because Esmeralda listens
on this line.
Okay.
TTT, Truth Teller?
You picked up already.
Hey. Can you still get
to the water main break?
-What?
-Yeah.
-No!
-No. I know. Yeah.
He made me promise
to ride with him.
Okay, well, I mean,
could the ambulance
swing by the water main break
on the
On the way to the hospital?
I don't know that we have time
for a pit stop.
Okay. Well, get Barry settled
and then check back in, okay?
And keep your eyes open
at the hospital! Ask what's new.
Yeah. For sure.
Okay.
I've got five W's already.
-Help you guys?
-Yeah.
We're reporters, local ones.
From local, here, Toledo.
This is my reporter pad
and, um
Half the parking spaces
for the dog-owning public
are being occupied by you guys,
the, uh, department
in the Parks Department.
So what do you have to say
about that?
Well, the spaces
are for employees
for us to unload our equipment.
There's a sign
right around there.
But there are plenty of spots
out on the street.
I'm not buying any of this shit.
You can answer questions here,
or you can answer them
down at the station.
I gotta get back to work.
Thank you, guys, though.
Okay. Thank you
for your service, sir.
We make a good team.
How many broken windows,
officer?
That seems very low.
Well, let me ask you this,
would you say that
the lower crime rate
could be the result
of increased police brutality?
Hello?
-Did you set everything up?
-Yeah.
We meet with the Assistant
Fish and Game Warden at 1.
Sick, thanks, man.
-Oh, you stepping it up, I see.
-Yeah,
I just want to look polished,
you know?
-I like it. Real professional.
-Thanks, man.
-Ah. Mr. Moore?
-Yes.
Assistant Fish and Game Warden
Brewster, right?
-Travis?
-Hello, Harper. How are you?
You know
you're not supposed to be here.
I'm here in my official capacity
as a reporter
okay, not your ex-boyfriend.
You have to respect me
as a member of the press.
All right?
The first amendment compels you!
Everything okay, here?
-What's up, Gary.
-I'm with Gary now, Travis.
I'm just here to ask you guys
some questions about fish.
That's it.
I warned you what would happen.
Now I have to tune you up.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold a second, Gary!
Okay, look,
we're just here as reporters.
We got one question.
One question and we'll leave.
-Right?
-Okay, yeah.
Has the bluegill limit
in the Lake Erie District
changed recently?
You know that it has.
What are we doing?
That's great. Thank you.
That's one question, we're done.
That was a setup question, Gary.
I obviously need to ask
a follow-up.
-Go, yes!
-Thank you. Follow up. Harper
is there any part of you
that still loves me?
-Dude, I warned you!
-Follow-up to that.
This is the guy that you chose?
Are you kidding me?
You Don't Get out!
Yeah. Get out now.
Ow! Ow! Ow! My foot! Ow!
I'm stronger than you are.
I thank you for your patience.
What?
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Is Ned, uh, making you do this?
-Well, he's letting me. Yeah.
-Oh. Right.
Okay, um,
I have a big emergency.
I need you to to to
defrost the freezer
right now, immediately.
Well, can Can someone else?
I wish there was someone else
I could trust with this.
But no one defrosts like you,
Nicole.
You have these young,
sturdy, strong wrists.
I mean, Nicole, the ice melts
at the sound of your footsteps.
The freezer's probably fine,
but I like to take
the path of least resistance
with Esmeralda.
Sometimes I go limp
from resisting so little.
Just slide right off my chair.
Well, if anything burns down
in the next hour or two,
you have my number. Thanks.
Hey, hey. Is this the, uh,
is this the morgue?
Hey, have any bodies come in,
in the last 24 hours?
No?
Well, could you check again?
I don't know,
like check the back?
Yeah. Like Like in a drawer
that's unlabeled, or something?
Something could've slipped
through the cracks.
Please. You're not Okay.
You're not even trying.
Could you check the back again?
If you look hard enough,
I'm sure you'll find something.
-Hey, Mr. Busy!
-Uh-huh. Oh, hey.
I just wanted to tell you
that I'm very excited
for our lunch.
Oh, you know what,
today's not a great day.
Could we do it next week?
-Well, yes. For sure.
-Thanks.
No problem. It's just
that today, I had invited Marv.
And, uh, he wanted to make it
a welcome lunch. So
Probably he's going
to be a bit disappointed.
No, yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
But just Could we do it quick?
Allora. In Italy, we think that
if a man eats quick,
he also finishes quick.
So then, Marv says, yes.
The pen might be mightier
than the sword.
But without paper,
what you gonna write on?
Oh, wow, classic.
You all right, Ned?
-Yeah,
I'm just enjoying the lunch.
Enjoying the long lunch.
Oh, well. I hope
I didn't slow things down.
I know that sometimes
I can be a little picky.
I've never seen a piece of fish
get sent back that many times.
But it became interesting.
And asking to have the head
put back on the Branzino
was perfectly reasonable,
I thought.
You know, I should go.
I Yeah.
Oh No.
Esmeralda said
you were staying for cigars.
Oh, yes.
-Down, boy.
-I don't, really?
Have a cigar, mate.
Marv, you don't know
what he has planned.
I mean, it's galactic.
Only local news.
That's why he cut the wire.
-He is a visionary.
-They're called balls.
They used to be
standard equipment.
-Pardon me.
-It's okay, I have them too.
-I'm gonna Could I take this?
-Go ahead.
-Fantastic. Thank you so much.
-It should be off.
Hello? POLICE SOURCE: Is this
the reporter who called before?
Uh, yes. Yeah.
-Here's something for you.
-Mm-hmm.
Someone called in
bragging about a murder,
taunting us to find the body.
Oh, my God. What, like a
Like a serial killer?
We can't go that far.
At this moment,
it just amounts
to a threatening creep.
But it-it could be
a serial killer, right?
This is fantastic!
-What?
-This is awful.
Have you come up with
a catchy nickname
for this creep yet, or?
I'll call you back
when we find out more.
All right, thank you, thank you.
Woo!
Uh, hey, guys.
I'm terribly sorry.
I'm gonna have to shoot off.
But I wanna say thank you
for the cupcake
and for the record, Marv,
I think my first issue
is gonna be pretty sweet.
All right, kid.
Did you see the way
he ate his cupcake?
-Visionary.
-Mm.
-Yeah.
-Excuse me.
Can I have a doggy bag, please?
Hey, you. You're young.
You know the cool things
happening around, right?
Is there anything new
in the way of like,
skating, tagging, drugging?
We're We're journalists,
we're looking for a story.
-Tell us what we wanna know.
-How much you paying?
Nothing.
We're not even getting paid.
Just answer the question.
Okay, I see how it is.
Well, the new thing around here
is, uh, Dogging, right, Ell?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Dogging.
-Everybody's doing it.
-Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I've never heard of that,
what-what is it?
Well, it's when
regular teens like us
just get together
and act like dogs.
Are you being for real? Come on.
Yeah. Awoo!
That's kind of interesting.
Oh, hey! Hey.
-Hey.
-We've
We've got something really big!
-We've got something huge.
-Okay.
Sorry, it's just
You were just the first person
I wanted to, it's good news.
That's great. What is it?
There is a serial killer
loose in town!
-Oh, God.
-Obviously, it's terrible,
but if it was gonna happen
any day of the year,
this is a good day
for it to happen.
No, it's good. It's great.
-Okay.
-Good news.
Um, it looks
like we got something.
That's a nice feeling.
-How'd it go?
-Good.
I mean, Gary Gladstone
was selling his boat,
so I sold him a two-column
classified ad for every day
until it sells.
But it'll probably go quick.
Oh! And Travis got arrested.
So there's no story.
-Yeah.
-Well
I mean, an ad's always nice.
Yep.
And they call it Dogging.
"Slipping into a more"
"A more canine way of being."
"And the itch they're getting
isn't from fleas."
-Heh. "In most cases."
-Ha, ha! Yeah, that's good.
Um, just out of curiosity,
did you guys get any quotes?
What would the quote be? Woof?
What?
Hey!
-You're welcome.
-Thank you so much!
Yes.
I checked with the principals
of two local high schools.
None of this is real.
Here's what Esmeralda left me.
"Dear Toledo,
my name is Ned Sampson."
"and I'm honored to be
the new Editor-in-Chief
of The Truth Teller".
"Yesterday, I took over
The Truth Teller
because I felt like it"
"and I would never say
I stole this job from a woman."
"I just want to extend
my thanks to my predecessor"
"Esmeralda Grand."
"Esmeralda did the greatest job
at the paper
while also being
a single mother.
Although, you would never know,
because her body is insane."
And it goes on like that
for a while.
-Nothing?
-I got sidetracked,
by the freezer.
Okay. It's okay,
the killer will save us.
Oh, my God. It's a coded letter
from the killer.
Oh, no, sudoku.
I don't, uh
I don't know if this is a trick.
It's probably copyrighted
or a series of numbers
that causes a seizure,
but
hey, the New York Times
would've shut down
without Wordle.
Great.
Hey. Yes, that's me.
Hold on. Mare?
Mare!
It's the It's the police,
they've got more info!
Hey, Nicole,
you wanna come in here,
maybe take some notes.
I think
my letter from the editor
is about to get
a lot more juicy.
Hang on.
All right. We're ready.
Okay, so here's what I know.
We're suspecting a murderer
because of a tip
from the morgue.
-Okay.
-This creep called in,
claiming there was
an undiscovered body.
Oh, my God, what did he say?
He asked them to look
in every drawer
and under tables
like he had hidden a body
and was waiting
for them to find it.
Oh.
The morgue worker
described his voice
as really breathy and insistent.
-Oh, no.
-They tape incoming calls.
-This is what it sounded like.
-Mm.
Hey, hey! Is this the, uh,
is this the morgue?
Hey, um, that doesn't sound
too bad to me.
Maybe let me know
if he calls back.
Thanks.
I don't think this story
is gonna pan out.
It's 5:38.
Don't know
what we're gonna print.
Oh, you know what?
I think I'll type up
the train schedules,
just to be safe. Sorry.
"Hi, Toledo. My name is Ned.
I'm the new editor here.
"There's an old saying,
"that no news is good news."
"It's not something
you'd usually hear
from the new editor-in-chief
of the town newspaper."
It's like having homework
every day, forever,
until the paper fails
and I lose my job.
Ah.
Woo!
"And to be honest, it wasn't
what I was planning
"on writing to you all,
"in this,
the very first printing
"of the revived
Toledo Truth Teller.
"However, as I sit here
typing these words,
"I think that today's events,
"or to reiterate,
the lack thereof,
were actually a gift."
"A slow news day is a sign
"that your city
is filled with safe,
kind people who treasure
their community."
Did you get my text?
I made it! Heh!
It's in today's paper.
Well, is it too easy?
Is it too hard?
What do you think?
Huh?
Maybe too easy for you, Stanley!
"So, we're not gonna
drum up salacious headlines"
"just to get
your hard-earned cash.
"We're gonna print
what really matters to you.
"And I'm not gonna ramble
to fill space.
"If I wanted to do that, I would
just talk about Elmore Leonard,
"and one of his great books
set in the area,
"like "52 Pickup,"
"where a Detroit businessman
named Harry Mitchell
"finds out
that he's being blackmailed
"by a trio of criminals
"who discovered that Harry
was having an affair
with an exotic dancer."
You know what?
I read an article you wrote.
About the first time
the astronauts drove
on the moon.
-It was so good.
-Yeah.
'71.
"Astronauts
tour Beautiful Valley
in first lunar motor trip."
Hmm.
"When the crooks try
to frame Harry
"for her murder,
"instead of paying them off,
"Harry decides to get even.
"It's vintage Leonard,
with a taut prose style
"and well-placed plotting
"that keeps you turning
every page.
"It was published in 1974
by Phoenix Paperbacks.
ISBN 97780753819623."
"Et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera."
Yeah.
It wasn't perfect,
but it was his first issue.
And it was
all of our original work.
Except for the first
three chapters of "Get Shorty."
It wasn't even a review,
he just quoted
his favorite novel
without permission.
Let's go! Let's go!
Uh, Jessie, let's go.
We're leaving. Come on! Now!
That's rude.