The Reluctant Vampire (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

1
So, I've been talking to
the Invisible Woman,
talking about how you can
pass your initiation.
Because if you can't feed on a
human,
then everyone will know that you're,
uh,
not of the nocturnal, uh
Quicker to just say, "Not a
vampire."
You're not a vampire. I know!
So we thought,
what if we could make it look
like you were biting a neck?
Go on.
A fake.
We'll use a human effigy,
identical in every respect.
The upper body will be filled
with a blood substitute
made of beetroot juice and cornflour
it's just like the real thing
which pours out via a valve on the
neck.
You simply have to lean forward,
open the valve,
and drink.
Right, I'm going to
stop you there.
OK?
That is a pig in a hat.
You can't fool a vampire.
They haven't been tricked
by a pig in a hat since 1380,
when they briefly made one king.
CREAKING
So if I don't want everyone
at my initiation ceremony
to see I'm not a vampire,
I have a month to think of a plan.
CREAKING
Well, I would if I could
concentrate. What is that noise?
CREAKING
CREAKING
Igon! What's up there?
In the belfry? Nothing.
I think it's been empty
ever since that summer
with the with the wasps.
Well, I heard a sound,
so there's definitely something up
there.
I'm having a look. I wouldn't!
I-I wouldn't bother.
All you'll find up there are a few
dead wasps
and what's left of the dead
beekeeper.
We'll see.
Well, what if the wasps come back,
Val? Eh?
Last time I was up there,
they they they stole my shoe.
All right, it's me.
I go up there sometimes.
Oh, I'd never have guessed.
I wouldn't bother, honestly.
I've pulled and pulled on that
latch, it will not budge.
But I do know another way in
via an external waste pipe.
We will have to crawl through
excrement.
I've actually caught dysentery
four times,
but there is literally no other way.
Have you tried pushing?
WINGS FLUTTER
I did not. I did not do that.
Hmm. Mm.
Oh, dusty!
IGON SNEEZES
Oh, that was much quicker.
Oh
So, uh what is this?
I give you my collection!
My own private hoard of human
memorabilia,
a treasure trove of fascinating
artefacts
that will shine a light on our
nearest neighbours
and posit an answer to the age-old
question -
what is it to be human?
These are just human items blown in
on the wind
and found in the grounds of the
castle.
That's a cannon.
How strong was the wind?
Some items involved a bit
of taking.
And Dad's all right with this?
Um No, no, he doesn't
He doesn't know.
It's, uh, more of an academic
interest.
But but much can be learned
from these items,
such as how humans struggle to
retain information.
So it is believed that
mathematicians used one of these.
It's a number rememberer -
a ribbon with numbers
printed along the length
in sequence,
to serve as a visual reminder,
if needed,
perhaps in a shop or when counting
livestock.
So, if you can see here four.
The next one says five.
Next one is six.
Next one seven. Next one eight.
Next one nine. Next one
You going to do them all, or
No. No need to do them all.
IGON CHUCKLES
And this fascinating item
was found at the top of a church.
It suggests that humans worship some
kind of chicken god.
When the chicken god says,
"Go over there,"
they go over there.
Wha? Wha?
IGON CHUCKLES
I see that you have found
the brass wine dispenser.
Ha! Glug-glug-glug! Oh!
IGON CHUCKLES
Mm, lovely wine. Mm-hm.
"Thanks, Igon."
THEY CHUCKLE
That's the human saying it to me.
Oh, right! Yes. Uh
Fascinating lives that humans lead.
Mm. It's not what the handbook says.
It says they're just big bags of
blood.
Well, I guess they have to say that,
don't they?
Otherwise, we'd get curious and want
to explore.
And do you know what curiosity did?
It killed the cat.
Is that a cat? Yeah.
Yeah? It's obviously a cat.
VICTOR: Valentine!
Where are you, Valentine?
OWL HOOTS
Here! Now!
VAL CLEARS THROA
Father.
Sorry, I seem to have missed our
I was under the impression
that tuition was to start at seven
o'clock.
Yet I waited for you,
and you were nowhere to be seen.
Yeah, what happened was
I had to amuse myself
by putting the death warrants
I've signed
into alphabetical order.
Your tuition is important, boy.
Once initiated,
you will be expected to hunt for
yourself
using strength and maturity.
Like me,
when I snared your mother's hand in
marriage.
Oh, you weren't that mature.
When we tried for children,
I had to draw you a diagram.
What? It's a lot to remember.
All the openings and so forth.
Father, I'd be happy to find a bride
if Valentine isn't up to it.
Sometimes, I wonder
if he's even one of us.
Vernon,
stop being such an imbecile.
Anyway, can't get married
before your brother.
He's heir to the throne.
So? Ancient vampire lore.
If you're betrothed before
Valentine,
you'd become heir ahead of him.
Tonight you will join me in here,
where I shall play a sleeping
victim,
and you will demonstrate your
hunting techniques upon me.
Until then, I suggest you retire
to your chamber to study.
You can bet that Vernon would.
He's not like Vernon.
Well, maybe he should be.
If Vernon isn't studying vampire
history,
he's playing his harpsichord
or writing his poetry anthology.
You write poems?
Some write prose for our minds,
others songs for our hearts.
I happen to write poetry for our
souls.
There's your title -
Poetry For Arseholes.
Our Souls. Mother, tell him!
Mm!
I know I'm meant to be studying,
but when you're trying to get your
head around
being human, it's not easy to focus.
DOOR SQUEAKS
"Whosoever of the royal blood
is first betrothed,"
"shall be named rightful heir
to the throne,"
"regardless of age or favour."
HE CHUCKLES
HE COUGHS
VALEETA HUMS
Oh, that looks nice.
What is it?
It's a doll of your Auntie Janet.
Oh, for her birthday?
No, it's a hex doll.
She made some comments
about my hair.
Igon's heating up the pins for me
now.
Anyway, I just wanted to
Right through the eye.
See how she likes that.
Sorry. Go on.
Do you think humans
worship a
chicken god?
This is because of what we spoke
about the other night.
I just think that it might help
for me to know more about
what I am.
Valentine, I know what it's like
to feel like you're an outsider.
At my first formal dance,
I was the only one there
wearing a tiara.
WHISPERS: The looks
the other girls gave me.
I just have this nagging feeling
of needing to know.
But thinking that
makes me feel guilty
because you've given me so much.
Both you and Dad.
And it's it's not that I'm not
grateful.
Or that
You're still thinking about that
dance, aren't you?
Oh, it was just the most magical
evening.
And those other ladies just had to
look on,
green with envy.
But what's most important is how
you're feeling.
I know it must have come as a shock,
to have the foundations of your
world ripped from under you,
your identity shattered into a
billion pieces.
Maybe not a billion, but, yeah.
But pull that thread
and everything will unravel.
You know that, don't you?
So let's just keep all of this
between you and me.
VIV: Eh, I'm here as well.
Awkward.
You, me and the Invisible Woman.
Oh, so sorry.
I don't know whether to walk away or
say something.
It's just like when I was in the
bathroom
and the King came in with gastric
flu.
Oh, that was a long night.
Phew
Focus on what you've got here at
home, where people love you.
Yes, you might be different,
but giving a safe haven to waifs and
strays is what I do.
Hmm. Thanks a lot.
Wilf the werewolf. The ogre.
And me.
When I turned up here at the castle
as a frightened teenager,
your mother pledged that forever
there'd be a place by her side.
VIV SOBS
And I've never forgotten that.
SHE BLOWS LOUDLY
Did I say forever?
It was implicit, certainly.
Mm.
Everything you need is here at home.
And what would your father say if he
knew what you were?
You can't very well go off sneaking
around and exploring.
I know you have a bee in your
bonnet,
but some things you just have
to let go.
You two, quickly.
Did you see Countess Willa
of Luxembourg
fly past with her family yesterday?
We certainly did.
Off to visit her cousin in Crewe.
Well, she'll be returning this
evening, and when they fly past
I would like you to tell her father
that I'd like to take her hand
in marriage. Got that?
Right. When they fly past,
we'll tell her father
you'd like to take his hand in
marriage.
Her hand. We'll tell her hand.
No, you don't tell her hand.
You tell her father.
That? I'd like to take her hand
in marriage.
I've nearly got it. It's simple.
When they fly past,
you tell her father
that I'd like to take her hand in
marriage.
Right. When you fly past
When they fly past.
When they fly past, you're going to
tell her father
you'd like to take his hand in
marriage.
Not me. You.
Oh, thank you,
but I don't have a hand.
It's not your hand I'm after,
it's hers.
Just a hand, or
Oh, for pity's sake!
It's really not that hard.
When they fly past,
we tell her father
that Vernon Finally!
Would like to shake her hand.
Take her hand!
Why would I want to shake her hand?
Because she just got married?
She hasn't gotten married.
I'm the one she's going to marry.
Oh, congratulations.
When did you ask her?
I haven't asked her.
That's what I'm telling you to do.
That's what this whole conversation
is.
What conversation?
Please.
When they fly past
I'm with you so far.
You tell her father
Yes That you're going to
That I'd like to. Same thing.
No, it's not.
Take her hands in marriage.
Hand. Take her hands in hand.
Take her hand in marriage.
No problem.
Leave it in our capable hands.
Oh, sorry hand.
My head might be telling me
to think like a vampire,
but my heart has other ideas.
If I'm not a vampire,
I need to know more about what I am.
And I won't find the answers
sitting around in a castle.
Short of developing a garlic habit,
venturing out in the daylight is the
gravest mistake
a vampire can make.
But for a human like me,
it shouldn't be a problem at all.
Yep
easy peasy.
HE PANTS AND GASPS
Do you want to survive?
MUFFLED SCREAMS
I said, do you want to
survive?
Then you need a diet rich in fruits
and vegetables.
And to stay the hell away from this
place.
What was the first one? No time.
Just select the apples you want and
skit.
A child, unattended,
near a vampire's castle!
Those vampires so much as clap eyes
on you,
they will bite your neck like a
fresh apricot.
Which, today only, are two quid for
a pound.
But I'd do it for 1.50
cos you're buying the apples.
So you need to hurry.
If it's so dangerous,
then why are you here?
I'm a grocer. But a shrewd one.
Every few nights the locals come up
here
to chuck rotten fruit and veg at our
hated overlords.
Thing is, not all of it's rotten.
Some of it's perfectly edible
if you scrape off the brown bits.
I mean, look at that carrot.
Mm
Mm!
HE GAGS SLIGHTLY
That's perfect. I can sell that.
HE COUGHS
Now run, as fast as you can,
and do not look back.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't forget your shopping.
It was the apples, apricot and just
the carrot
for you, Mr Gizzacolly?
Gizzacolly?
All right, then.
There you go.
Take that.
I do not want to see you round here
again.
Except when you bring your dad
with the money,
which is for 4.50, but I'll do it
for 4 cos I like you.
I do, you're a good laugh!
HE CHUCKLES
Run!
Things seem so different in the
daytime.
This is a lot to take in.
A family eating meals off the floor?
Incredibly confident blind people?
Wine connoisseurs?
Ooh. Here.
Ah, let me.
Mm!
Unbelievable!
Oh, Gertie!
It was Val, wasn't it?
Still is.
Not with your pumpkin today?
Oh, nah. Didn't work out.
He was too seedy for me.
Hey, if you're not busy,
I'm, uh I'm actually
having a party later.
Mm. I've got loads of people
coming already,
but, I dunno, if you're free.
Is it your birthday?
Halloween.
This has somebody else's name on it.
Mm. When I said I was having a
party,
I meant some friends from school
are having a party.
Friends with each other,
not with me.
They did say I should come.
Or could come.
The flyer says anyone can come.
Do you fancy it?
Definitely.
Watch out for that windmill.
Will do.
What's a windmill?
Ooh!
THUD
ECHOES: Val? Val?
Val!
Does it hurt if I do this?
Ow! And this?
Ow! Yeah.
They're both the same place.
Oh, yeah.
You all right, Val?
You got hit by the windmill sail.
No wonder it hurts.
Which would have been fine, but
it swept you right the way round
and slammed you against the ground.
Three times.
So that's why it hurts.
Not really, no.
Because the third time,
it stopped mid-air and you were
stuck,
so we threw bread to try and
dislodge you.
But what Dad thought was a loaf
It was a brick.
And that's what did the damage?
Again, not really.
He knocked you into a tree.
You hit every branch on the way
down
And that's what ended up
by the milking shed
and got kicked in the head by Daisy.
Sorry. You startled me.
But we got you a stretcher so we
could get you seen to.
Except we forgot about the windmill,
so
Hit me again? Right the way around.
Three times. Until you got stuck
and we
Threw more bread.
Or what we thought was bread.
They look the same.
You landed in the tree,
hit the branches, ended up by the
milking shed.
Oh, let me guess. You startled me.
The exact same thing again?!
Four times.
Four?! So we gave you some oxygen.
No-one told me that.
HE SIGHS
Oh, John.
Do you want us to call your parents?
No, no, I've got to go.
No, steady, you're concussed.
I'm fine.
No, you are staying put and
that is the end of it, my love.
We'll have you home by dark,
all right?
All right, then.
Sorry about my parents, by the way.
Why? They haven't done anything.
Not yet, but they will.
So pre-apologising.
Pre-apology accepted.
SHE CHUCKLES
What's Val short for?
Is it Valerie? He's a boy!
Boys can have girls' names.
Look at your Uncle Leslie.
And your cousin Pat.
Pat's a woman.
You are kidding me! No.
Well, it's so lovely to have one of
Gertie's friends around.
She doesn't have very many.
Mum! Well, you don't.
HE SQUEALS
Mmm! Mm!
HE LAUGHS
Is everything all right, Val?
What do you call this?
It's delicious.
It's an onion.
Un-yee-on?
You've got John to thank for this.
Grows all this in his allotment.
We've got onion, carrots, radish,
garlic.
Oh, he does a lovely sweet pea.
That's apple juice.
Hmm! Using the wrong components
there, son.
I'm using all the right components,
but not necessarily in the right
order.
Fair enough.
I stopped trying to keep up with the
trends years ago.
They'll probably start serving
burgers without the bun soon!
They already do. Unbelievable.
Oh, here you go.
No blood for me, thanks. Oh.
It's ketchup. Yeah!
Yeah, I know.
Yeah. I just call it blood
cos obviously that's what vampires
would eat.
And what we never would.
Which is what makes it a joke.
FORCED LAUGHTER
Damn right we never would.
Pass the black pudding, love.
Not after what they've done to this
town.
Some folk actually welcomed them.
"Give them a chance," they said.
And now we're cowering here
while they treat us like a buffet!
John.
Oh, is that the time?
Better get going.
All right. Well, why don't you take
some of this with you?
We've got plenty.
Wrap it up and take it home.
Yeah. Mm!
Mm.
Time really flies when you're having
un-yee-on.
Hmm!
And whatever this is.
It's just a bit of garlic bread.
HE RETCHES
STRAINED: Garlic?!
HE GARGLES
KNOCKING
Val, your father's waiting for you
in the drawing room.
Yeah! Be there in a second!
OWL HOOTS
WILF: Think about it, though.
Since a werewolf changes once a
month,
I'm effectively two boyfriends in
one.
Albeit one is a
A dog. Wolf! It's a wolf!
Completely different animals.
What is that smell?
Well, it's not me.
I went on the lawn earlier,
like a good boy.
BOTH SNIFF
Is it garlic?
In a vampire's castle?
Couldn't happen.
You know what happens when we
come into contact with garlic.
No. What does happen? Well,
we don't really talk about that.
It's quite unpleasant.
HE EXHALES AND SNIFFS
Did Countess Willa fly by?
Yep. I asked the question,
and I'm delighted to say
she said yes
HUSHED: You've made me very happy.
We're both delighted.
You and Guy?
No. Me and the Countess.
Right It all happened so fast.
We haven't set a date yet, but it's
early days.
Gary
Did you remember that I was the one
that wanted to marry her?
I
did not.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
VAL CLEARS THROA
Ah, Valentine!
I am the sleeping victim.
You shall hunt me.
Are you ready?
Yes.
That's right.
Approach downwind
SQUEAKING AND CREAKING
Gentle footsteps.
Come at them, feet end first. Good.
Why are you making
that infernal squeaking noise?
What infernal squeaking noise?
The vampire's watchwords are speed
and stealth.
You are displaying neither of these.
Move faster!
SQUEAKING
Quieter!
CREAKING
Fast!
Quiet!
I don't see why
What the devil?
Now, I imagine you have questions.
You're damn right I do!
This is fantastic!
Valentine, I am proud of you!
Darling! A feast!
Hurry! Find my elasticated trousers!
What?
PEOPLE SCREAMING
CHEERING
POP MUSIC
GERTIE: Val!
You made it! Gertie!
If you think you see someone wearing
a Freddy Krueger mask,
don't say anything.
That's Elliot Davie's gran dropping
him off.
So embarrassing.
I don't even know half these people.
Must be out-of-towners.
I bet you thought you'd be the only
Dracula!
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Gertie,
this needs to stop.
The party.
People need to go right now.
Says who? The council?
Yeah. Yeah, the council.
Yeah, th-they were just here. What?
I bet that's my dad phoning about
the noise.
Ugh! Yeah!
Well, we should probably start
rounding people up.
Absolutely not.
If I end this party, my life is
over.
HE GROANS
Maybe
you could just go
home?
Go home?
You look tired. Sorry to say that,
but you look knackered.
SHE SCOFFS
Not a bad knackered -
a nice knackered! You look nice!
But just quite drawn
with black eye bags.
One there and one
there. Heh!
Nothing an early night won't fix.
Elliot! Oh, I'm so sorry about your
nan!
If we could just start
I didn't realise
people could get that wrinkly!
I must say Ah!
I didn't expect to see you here.
What with you
being one yourself.
I imagine it's a bit of morbid
curiosity.
Like a pig visiting a sausage
factory.
Sorry. Do we have to do this here?
There's loads of other villages
with loads of other people.
I get it.
Look, it's going to be funny
for a little while.
But this is nature's way.
It's the food chain.
Cats eat mice, humans eat cats,
vampires eat humans.
Sorry, humans eat
We're not here to gloat.
I'm sure it's all going to be
very respectful.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh! Something in his throat,
I think.
A wonderful gesture, boy,
laying on a feast.
I just wondered if
it was worth your while.
Have you noticed that some of
the people are looking quite pale?
No, I hadn't noticed.
They look anaemic, to be honest.
Yeah, I'd hate to serve you
watery blood.
I actually quite like watery blood.
It's like a meal and a drink all in
one.
Yeah. You know,
I have heard there's a little bit of
malaria.
Oh Oh!
I love malaria!
Oh-ho! Num-num-num!
Yeah. Yeah. Me too.
Me too.
That's the thing about us vampires,
son.
There's precious little we won't
eat.
ECHOES: Grows all this
in his allotment.
It's got onion,
carrot, garlic Garlic
WIND WHISTLES
HE GASPS
Whew!
Come on, Val, come on.
HE RETCHES
Ugh
Ugh.
HE HISSES
WHEEZES: Hi!
H-H-H-Happy
H-H-H-Halloween!
VICTOR COUGHS
I don't feel so good.
HE GULPS
I feel ill. Valeeta!
H-H-How's it h-h-h-hanging?
HE RETCHES
Look away! The pain! Vampire!
SCREAMING
The pain is insane!
Calm down!
People are looking at you.
Vampire!
Help me!
Wasn't really my scene anyway.
Are you meant to be a vampire?
Meant to be.
Carrie. I mean, I'll give it a go.
No, the film Carrie!
Stephen King?
All she wants is a nice party.
Ends up covered in blood.
Imagine that. Hmm, yeah!
Imagine!
According to The Vampire's Handbook,
a garlic reaction will subside
within two to four nights.
HE GROANS
But my issue's going to take longer.
How to think like a vampire when I
feel like a human.
Should we focus on our minds, on our
hearts
or on arseholes?