Vladimir (2026) s01e02 Episode Script

How does the Dorothy Parker saying go?
She actually didn't say that.
What is it? I know you know it.
Come on.
I like to have a martini.
Two at the very most.
Three, I'm under the table.
And four, I'm under the…
…host.
Spanish nut mix?
Your, uh… your house is… incredible.
Oh, thank you.
Right now, I wanna burn it all down,
become a minimalist.
No, it's… it's…
it's the best kind of clutter.
Is that your book?
I, uh… can't wait to hear your thoughts.
Well, I can't wait to read it.
This is his cue to ask for mine.
How are you feeling
about classes starting tomorrow?
Fine, I think. You know.
Do you know all the shortcuts,
the labyrinthine intricacies?
How… how intricate is it?
- Well, do you have an ID yet?
- No.
I tried to get my photo taken
the other day,
but I couldn't find the office.
Do you want me to take you there tomorrow?
I could give you the underground tour.
That would… that would be amazing.
Oh shit!
Hello?
Hello.
- How's it going, man?
- Oh. John, uh, we didn't expect you.
- Uh, this is Vlad. Vlad, this is John.
- You can shake my hand, bud.
I don't think cancellation can be spread
through skin-to-skin contact.
Oh, no. I… I don't… I don't care…
about that stuff.
- Don't tease him.
- I'm just messing with him.
It's none of my business.
Honestly, I'm… I'm actually starstruck.
- I'm a huge fan of your criticism.
- Come on, don't bullshit me.
No, your book
on Ashbery's first collection?
That book is so fucking good, man.
Well, thanks. I appreciate that.
What are you doing home, John?
Ah. May I, uh… steal this one
for a second?
- Yeah, I should get going.
- Oh, no, don't go!
We haven't unpacked yet.
I… I should be home for bedtime.
Oh, you sweet modern fathers.
I don't think John helped
with bedtime ever.
- How is your little one?
- Uh, she's three. She's a… a beast.
Oh, I love three.
You can still control them with your body.
Yeah. Well, yeah, it's better than two.
Two almost killed Cynthia.
Literally.
- Huh.
- Uh, well, I can… I'll walk you out.
Sure.
- Hey, good to meet you.
- Okay, yeah, you too.
That hair's growing
from your chin again. Heads up.
Fuck!
Wasn't there yesterday.
- We need to talk.
- No.
Listen.
Uh, no, you're not even supposed
to be here.
- Stop acting like a teenage girl.
- Don't denigrate teenage girls.
- I've had some time to reflect.
- I don't care.
- Stop. I'm cleaning. Just sit down.
- No, I need food.
I'm hungry. I drank that martini
on an empty stomach.
I… I… I'll make you a sandwich. Sit down.
- I'm sorry.
- What are you sorry about?
I'm sorry that I made you upset.
Okay.
Sit!
- Sorry that I was rude.
- And dismissive.
- And dismissive.
- And patriarchal.
Ooh, he doesn't like that.
I'm sorry that I was
taking you for granted.
But I've been thinking about it, okay?
And I realized
all we need to do is delay the hearing
until the end of the year.
That's it, and then I'll retire
before the hearing can happen,
and I'll get my full pension,
and it'll be done.
Think we can figure out
how to make that happen?
You figure it out.
I need your help.
If Florence even saw me on campus,
I think that stick up her ass
would come out of her mouth.
You know…
Lila joined the case. As a complainant.
When?
Last week.
So, I just…
I think it's in your best interest
to help me push it back.
You could reach out to David.
I talked to Sid this afternoon.
Why isn't she answering my calls?
She's just acting out.
- How is it?
- Mm.
That's my girl.
And then I was also thinking Spanish 4
because grad programs
require written proficiency.
- Smart.
- And then, um…
weight lifting for my anxiety.
Also smart.
And then, um… for my English requirement,
I was thinking creative nonfiction.
With Cynthia Tong.
I thought you were taking
Women in American Fiction with me.
- Right, but--
- But of course.
- I do--
- You wanna write essays.
No, yeah. I've been trying.
Yeah, it's very smart because, um…
my class is so full in the fall.
Students worming their way in
off the wait list.
Better to take it in spring
when the students are abroad.
- That's what I was thinking.
- Absolutely! Take her class.
Love to give new teachers a boost.
Come in.
- Am I interrupting?
- Oh, I have to go anyway.
Oh. No, wait, wait.
Uh, Vlad, this is Edwina.
My best and favorite student.
Edwina, this is Professor Vladinski.
Vlad, please.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Um… so you came for the tour.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, after you. Okay.
Hey, you.
- You did not give me your book last night.
- I thought you'd never ask.
Aw, look at you. A copy all ready to go.
Well…
Yes!
It's a nice photo.
Mm. I hate it.
Why?
- Bit of a thirst trap, don't you think?
- It's okay.
Desire is okay.
What are you working on now?
Honestly, I've had
crippling writer's block
for the past 15 years.
- Give me a break. That's not a real thing.
- No, it is for me. I've tried everything.
Artist's Way, microdosing ketamine.
No, seriously. I have. Nothing works.
Okay, well,
then how are we gonna get you going again?
I mean, who cares?
Nobody.
Well, thank you.
No, that's why you should write
'cause nobody cares whether you do or not.
Because that makes it free or something?
It makes it yours.
Something secret, dirty.
Only for you.
I try to stay away
from secret and dirty things these days.
- Mm-hmm?
- Mm-hmm.
How's that working for you?
Trust me.
After the first week,
it'll be standing room only.
Hey.
- You started without me?
- Just warming up.
So, are you coming
to the faculty happy hour on Friday?
I don't think so.
Do you know the date for the hearing yet?
It's in the works.
Do you know if it's this semester
or next semester?
It's gonna be soon.
Oh, I'm just wondering
because if we could delay
until the end of the year,
John could retire, and he'd be gone,
and the department could avoid
a whole mess.
Is this about Lila?
- Do you think you could help me?
- No way.
There's 0% chance
I'm gonna intercede, okay?
Fine.
Do you know what's interesting?
I've had the same email address
at this college since 1996.
Me too. What's interesting about that?
Oh, it's just interesting
the nonprofessional ways
we used email back then.
I mean, I was naive.
I was tenure track at the time,
but you were on my review board,
weren't you?
You were, weren't you?
When we were writing all these
lovely, sexy emails to each other
and doing the other things, obviously.
Things that, just to confirm,
your wife is still unaware of, yes?
You're better than this.
Well, I thought I was,
but apparently I'm not.
Sorry.
Turn me on, baby, strike up a storm
Get me off…
- Okay.
- Strip it down to the core…
All right. Then I'll see what I can do.
Thank you.
You should know
this was a disappointing conversation.
Strike up a storm
Get me off, strip it down to the core…
To think I let that pompous,
pencil-up-his-twat
little schoolmarm fuck me.
But he has an enormous cock, so…
Dumb, dumb, dummy, I'm no bunny
I'm no slobby boy
I never beg for no money
Fun, fun, funny, you'll run from me
No irony, no, I pardon no one, nobody
Chop, chop, chop it, right hand
Chop it like a pickpocket
You had the mic, now you can't drop it
Dumb, dumb, dummy, once nobody
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming
Sit down…
She must be busy.
- Oh, hi!
- Hello there!
Sorry, I'm running to get Phee.
They charge extra if you're late.
Oh, yeah, I remember that whole racket.
Are you…
you coming to the drinks thing on Friday?
Probably not.
Oh, boo! Please come! Come!
N-yeah…
I ain't finished, I got loads
I think I'm up for the challenge
To show I got me some mileage
I bought a car and a cottage
I got Suzanne in my baggage
Got a list in my bucket…
I remember when men
used to put their hands behind their head
in the playground with me
when Sid was little.
They're just like peacocks.
When they're attracted to a woman,
they actually make themselves bigger.
Hi, David.
I got you a meeting with Lynn.
No.
You know it's the only way.
I don't know that.
President's wife, so backdoor.
Well, it's the most effective way.
- When are we going?
- She only wants to meet with you.
But I can't talk. I'm at an event.
I used to be able to orgasm in a second.
Excuse me.
- It's after eight.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh shit.
Did you, um… speak to David?
I have a meeting with Lynn today.
Mm. Thank you.
Any good?
Unfortunately, yes.
One-hit wonder?
I don't think so.
But I didn't think I was back then either.
Good-looking.
Almost as hot as I was.
Are you smoking?
No.
This is the college president's house.
It's like the White House.
The college gives it to him.
Of course, the president is always someone
who would never need free housing
in the first place, but…
I don't see why I should.
I find the whole thing very disturbing,
insulting to women our age,
humiliating for you, don't you think?
Uh, yes. Well, Lynn, I--
Your face looks just fabulous.
What are you doing?
A hearing like this would be
such bad timing for the college.
Is it ever bad timing for truth?
These were consensual affairs.
I fucked a professor once.
He didn't call me after that night,
and I was devastated.
Oh, I am sorry.
- Statistics.
- You were a statistic?
- He taught Statistics.
- Oh.
I'm not unhappy
to have had the experience, though,
because he was uncircumcised.
It was a different time, wasn't it?
You remember what it was like for us?
It was a casting call.
It's good it's not like that anymore.
Of course.
Lynn, remember,
the last thing with a student
happened more than ten years ago.
John knows times have changed.
- He would never do anything like that now.
- You are just so contoured.
Oh. Well, I bought a device on sale.
- I'll send you a link.
- Mm.
Are you sure you can control him?
Absolutely.
Might as well get it over with.
Thank you.
Hey!
Wait!
Hey, sorry, I just wanted…
When you came in the other day,
I didn't get a chance…
Can you… Are you pulling away from me?
Bitch!
- Hey, you. Guess what.
- What?
We did it.
Fucking Lynn.
Delayed until summer. Just like that.
I mean, can you believe it?
- You're fucking with me.
- I'm not.
That's incredible.
I mean, oh my God,
I can't believe it's over just like that.
That's outstanding.
Oh, that is outstanding.
- Look at you.
- Mm.
I'm very proud of you.
Well, I am desperately ashamed of myself,
but the end justifies the means. Maybe.
Okay, okay, we're gonna celebrate.
Just pop a little champers.
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna…
Well, I had some plans, but, uh…
- He means he had a date.
- I will cancel them.
No, don't cancel. Don't cancel.
We can celebrate tomorrow.
You sure?
I'm fully sure. I also have some… plans.
Huh.
Say thanks to your old boyfriend.
I'd take a look at your eyebrows
if I were you.
Appreciate that.
You've been lonely for so long
Flying solo, and that's wrong
You're self sufficient
Don't need a man
Too many dickheads…
- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hello. You look lovely.
Is this cashmere?
It's polyblend.
- Oh, may I have a white wine, please?
- Coming right up.
- Your white wine.
- Thank you very much.
Don't be afraid
Of catching feelings for me…
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry, sorry. I touched you.
I just wanted to be sure you were here
in the… in the… in the flesh.
- As opposed to what?
- Oh, in my dreams.
Uh, no, no. Um…
I… I just have been reading your book
for the last couple of days,
so you've been very present in my mind.
Oh, it's wonderful.
But I… I hope you know that.
Well, I… I never mind being told
by someone whose opinion I value, so…
Maybe we can have lunch sometime
and discuss it, if you enjoy lunch.
Love lunch. Lunch is one
of my top three favorite meals.
Uh…
But I c… I can't have lunch with you.
Oh.
No. I… Sorry, I mean, I can't have lunch
until I've read your book.
Oh.
It should be
a, you know, reciprocal exchange.
Uh, of course.
There is a value in, um… in reciprocity.
Where… where's Cynthia?
She took Phee for dinner. Um…
Bars are triggering for her,
so she'll pick me up.
- You only have the one car.
- Who needs more than one car?
Oh, well, that's what I thought
when we first moved here.
- And then what happened?
- Um…
Uh…
Just one sec.
- Should we… should we sit down?
- Sure, yeah.
- This way.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna say goodbye.
- People are into it for the hot Irish sex.
Bye, kids. I'm heading home
to see the spawn before they go to sleep.
How is Sid?
Mm, wonderful. She's arguing a case
in front of the Supreme Court.
- Wow!
- Mm.
I thought it was a circuit court.
No, it's the Supreme one.
- Well, a circuit court's still impressive.
- Mm.
- Hey!
- Oh. Hey!
- Oh, hi. Hello.
- Uh…
Hi.
I just met your student.
She is exceptional.
Oh, you'll adore each other.
And… and who is this "wittle" nugget?
I have been texting you for a half hour.
- Sorry.
- Okay. Drunkle.
I'm not drunk.
You're more drunk than I am. Can we go?
Uh, yes. I'm, uh… You know,
I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay.
How's the book coming?
It's… it's a memoir, right?
Oh, uh… Man, yeah.
I don't know.
Right now, it's kinda… heavy.
I'm writing about when she was 2,
and it was just a… hard time.
Right. Vlad was telling me.
He was?
Don't worry, 3 is much better.
Okay. Ready?
I'm gonna wait in the car.
Okay. O… kay.
Uh…
Well… I look forward to reading you.
Thank you.
What?
I don't wanna go.
I'll see you soon.
Yeah.
One benefit of
the arrangement between John and myself is
when he has a date,
he's gone for the night.
If he comes back, can you get me
another Cosmo? I just gotta pee.
Okay, hurry up.
And I get
a glorious, undisturbed evening to myself.
John?
Lynn. Steve.
- John, good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Good news.
Very good news,
and I seriously can't thank you enough.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh…
I'm gonna go join my husband.
Fuck.
Is everything okay?
Oh my God!
You've got them all by the balls
Causing waterfalls
Stonewalls, bar brawls
Climbing stalls at concert halls
To you they crawl, body sprawled
Smoking Pall Malls
Close calls, stand tall
Doll, you make them feel so small
And they love it
Ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
- The boys wanna be her
- The boys
- The girls wanna be her
- The girls
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
I wanna be her
Yes, I do
Ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh