Adults (2025) s01e03 Episode Script
Have You Seen This Man?
1
[police radio chatter]
[Paul] I'm telling you, sir,
I live right there.
[officer]
I need proof.
I don't have any proof.
I just moved in.
Hey, hey.
-What's going on? Hi.
-Oh, hey, baby.
Okay, don't freak out, Iss,
but there seems to have been
a very light stabbing
on our block.
[gasps]
Billie stabbed Samir
over the hospital bill.
-No. No.
-What?
-No?
-[Anton] but that's sisters.
Ultimately, that's sisters,
you know.
I mean, I don't have sisters,
but I assume
that's what they're like.
Oh, hi. How are you?
Oh, my God, how does
he know everyone?
Oh. Hey, Kurt?
Kurt?
Yeah, they're good.
They're with me.
You can let them in.
Seriously?
And hang these up
around the neighborhood.
What?
Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.
[Anton]
bronchitis.
I have a CPAP at home.
How does he know everyone?
[Anton laughs]
When I think backless dress,
I really do think Doreen.
You should be
wearing this more often.
Anton.
"Have you seen this man?"
Oh.
Oh, him.
Oh.
Wow. Doreen? Doreen,
you have to come see this.
This is crazy. I'm in a poster.
Oh. It's not exciting.
-Doreen?
-Hmm?
[Anton] You're gonna
want to see this, my love.
♪
Ooh ♪
Yeah ♪
I need some bad advice ♪
Yeah, oh ♪
We'll stay up tonight ♪
We'll make it out alive ♪
Ooh, ooh, hoo! ♪
Is this gonna take
way longer, or
-One more, one more second.
-Okay.
[Billie]
No, Samir, I'm not angry at you.
Okay, but I get if you are.
Like, you trusted me,
and my dumb ass
got you into, like,
15 grand of medical debt.
And is it the biggest number
I've ever seen in my real life?
Yes. But that's okay.
I have no job,
I'm at rock bottom.
Is that the end of the sentence?
But I feel excited, you know?
Like, for the first time
in my life,
there are no expectations.
I can do anything.
I might buy a vape.
We don't know.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna
get you the money.
No, Samir,
you're not gonna get me fift
Yeah, obviously. It's
I have to.
It's the least I could do.
'Kay, we're starting.
We're starting my thing, so
My thanks to Paul Baker
for setting up AirPlay.
Your film studies minor
was not in vain.
-Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
-'Kay, sit.
-So sexy.
-So,
to start with your most
pressing questions
yes, I met the Bayside Stabber.
And yes, we had a really
lovely conversation
on the F train.
And yeah,
he sent me
these texts afterwards,
which are, frankly,
so nice and non-stabby?
So, let's just take a look.
Um, okay.
Uh, okay. Oh, okay, okay.
Who is
"Brianna Acupuncture Student?"
[Anton]
Sorry, sorry.
That's-that's
That's not him. That's not him.
Who's "Leather Jacket
Newsies Chorus?"
I think it was further back.
Oh, yeah.
"Bobby backpack,"
what's the story there?
[laughs]
Look for, like, "train."
When you don't
respond to my texts, this,
seeing this,
makes me feel a lot worse.
We have a gorgeous
dialogue over text.
[Samir]
I'm so far down in this.
No, you're
[Paul]
Oh, that's deep.
-That's deep. D
-[laughter]
You're responding to
"Ghostbusters Librarian,"
and I don't get a text back.
Oh, shit.
I forgot to return the book.
Anton, the stabber.
-Okay, now, this is the stabber.
This is him.
-Okay.
"Anton, I miss you already.
You are a light in this world."
The stabber sent this to you?
-[Anton] Yeah.
-And what'd you say back?
Just, like, nothing.
-Anton, move. Come on.
-Anton, move.
Sidestep, please.
Mm-hmm.
[Paul]
"I'm serious about
making paellas.
This is the season of us."
-Oh, my God.
-Anton.
-What?
-[Issa] You are
such a friend slut.
-Okay, ow?
-[Issa] No, seriously,
you just have this thing
where you have to make people
feel like the most important
person in the world
-Mm-hmm.
-so they
fall in love with you,
and then you ultimately
forget about them.
That is not true, Issa. Okay?
I treasure my people.
You have 400
unread text messages.
No, it's four thou
It's 4,000, usually.
Yeah, it's 4,000. It's just
the zero gets cut off.
-Anton.
-[Billie] Seriously, Anton.
You can't just soul-bond
with every person you meet.
It's not normal.
Uh, why not?
Uh, because
some people stab people.
-Yeah.
-Okay, you guys
are being dramatic.
It's not like it's
an ongoing conversation.
-He's not following up with me.
-[phone chimes]
[shouting]
-What?
-He just liked it.
-What do you call that?
-[Billie] He hearted it.
Okay, so what?
-He hearted a message.
-[Samir] And now he's typing.
-[shouting]
-What?
-He's typing! He's typing!
-[screams]
Block him! Block him!
He's typing!
Look. See? And it's gone.
You guys, breathe, okay?
Please, the text went away.
It's all fine.
-I promise.
-[phone rings]
-[screaming]
-What now? What?
He's calling you!
-What?
-He's calling you!
-He's calling.
-[Issa screaming]
What is he doing? What What?
[Issa]
Oh, my God!
[Anton]
Oh
my God. You just missed the call
and you cracked my screen.
Uh
[automated voice]
Your call has been
forwarded to an
♪
Coat closet?
Hey.
-Yo.
-Where's everyone?
Uh, I think they all went to
the police station with Anton.
Dude, crazy that
he knows the stabber.
Is he just always like that?
Like, is he always
just so friendly?
Yes, it's a problem.
We think his parents took him
to, like, too many dinner
parties when he was a kid.
[chuckles]
Okay.
[door opens]
-[Samir] Holy fuck!
-What?
[Samir]
Oh. Oh
You okay?
-I
-Yo! What the fuck?
Has that been here
the whole time?
I don't know.
I guess, I guess, I guess.
What do you mean, "you guess"?
I don't know, I guess.
I don't know.
This is not
We're not like a gunny family.
It looks pretty gunny
to me, dude.
No, I know
You just moved in here.
This is not
the vibe of the house.
Okay. I have actually never
seen one in person before.
It makes me want to throw up.
I'm gonna I'm gonna
fucking throw it out.
You can't throw it out, dude.
What if the stabber gets it?
No, dude, we have to, uh
Oh, we can take it
to a buyback. Yeah.
-What's a buyback?
-Like, at a gun store.
You can take the gun
to a gun store
and they will buy it back from
you for like a chunk of cash.
We can go together if you want.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
-Okay. Yeah, sweet.
-Okay, great.
-Oh. Sorry, sorry.
-Jesus.
[siren wailing]
[loud chatter]
[Issa]
Defund the police
and all, but they, like,
need to zhuzh this place up.
It's so depressing.
[phone buzzes]
Wait, what the hell?
[laughs]
Oh, my God. Jailbait.
Who are you?
No, I know, but I told you.
I'm-I'm trying
to explore a little.
-[gasps]
-Like, okay,
I am done with the version of me
who asks boring guys to choke me
and then says,
"What? Just kidding."
Like, I want
to live my 20s a little.
-Is that crazy?
-No.
You've arrived.
I'm so happy.
I couldn't agree more.
Seriously, like,
you're between jobs.
This is your time
to start fucking
like your grandchildren
will hear about it one day.
-Okay. Mindwipe.
-Yeah?
I do want my grandchildren
to think of me sexually.
Gone from my brain.
-Never heard it.
-Thank you.
Give me your phone. Okay.
I'm gonna put you on Feeld.
This was amazing
for my whore phase.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
Before I met Paul Baker,
this is how I met
that Brazilian couple.
-Oh, Lucas and Sophia.
-Yeah.
So hot.
And, oh, my God,
uh, Joe with the leash.
Joe with the leash?
I know, but don't.
He never walks you.
-Hi. Um, so, apparently
-Hi.
they want me
to give a statement.
What? Really?
[groans]
Why must I become embroiled?
Because you are a friend slut.
Because you're
a big slutty friend slut
who needs everyone
to be obsessed with you.
That's not true.
I don't need you guys
-to be obsessed with me.
-That's 'cause you know
we're obsessed with you.
And whose fault is that?
-[laughs]
-[officer] Mr. Evans?
-We're ready for you.
-Oh, my God.
Okay, earrings. Yes!
Oh, thanks.
-I made them myself.
-[Anton] What?
Wow. You and I are gonna
go to Shark Tank, girl.
Mark Cuban's suddenly in,
we're in tears.
I took this class at the Y
[whispers]
Friend slut.
-Oh, sorry. Which way, baby?
-Get back here. Come on.
[gasps]
Ooh.
How do you feel about firemen?
-[inhales]
-Oh, no, sorry. There's a comma.
How do you feel about
fire and also men?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
[entry bell jingles]
-I can't. No.
-Yes, we can.
-I can't.
-We can. We got this.
We can't do anything.
We look like
we're fucking J. Crew Columbine.
I don't want this shit.
All right. No, we can.
Just let me talk.
-I'll handle this, all right?
-Okay. Okay.
I'll I'll chill in
the fucking grenade aisle.
Okay, yeah.
[clears throat]
Hey, bud. Hi.
How are you? Name's Paul Baker.
It's nice to meet you.
Look, my buddy over there,
my buddy with the flag?
That's him.
He's going through it right now.
He found his dad's shotgun
in the old coat closet.
Problem is, he's not a
[imitates gunshots]
007 man like yourself.
So we're just
trying to figure out
a way to, uh,
sell this bad boy back to you.
You know,
aka a little buyback.
I'm sure you're familiar,
you know?
So what do you say about that
one, huh, big guy?
C-Could you help us out
with that?
Why are you talking to me
like I'm retarded?
Oh no, I wasn't. No.
The We actually
don't use that word anymore.
Like, at all, sir. I
The cast of Glee kind of ended
that through the power of song,
-so
-What, "retarded"?
-[groans]
-My sister's retarded.
-Do you got a sister who's
-Just give me one sec
Hey, dude, uh, we can't do this.
Uh, we got to go.
-What do you mean?
-Okay, I don't know.
Dude, that's
never happened to me before.
I think that went, like
-What happened?
-bad. I don't know.
Okay, well, I'm not
leaving the gun store
with a gun.
We're gonna look insane. No.
I can't sell it to this man.
I don't, I don't know
Paul Baker, you're
a charming-ass man.
-Hmm.
-And I didn't want
to say this before,
but I need
this money for Billie.
For her medical bills?
Yeah.
Fuck. Okay.
Oh, shit. Okay.
-Okay? We got this.
-Yeah. Totally.
We got this. You and me.
All right.
Oh, you're just gonna
I'm just gonna hang out here.
Okay.
Hey, brother. My man.
Uh, I feel like I condescended
towards you before,
and for that, I am very sorry.
I don't know what that was.
Might be a Canadian thing. But
if we could just start over,
I'm just trying
to sell this gun back.
[laughs]
I don't know what that was.
What's with the nail polish?
You a fruitcake or something?
Am I a frui
No.
No, I am not a fruitcake.
No, that is Um, no.
Huh. 'Cause I was gonna say,
if you were a little fruity,
I'd get your number
and buy your gun.
Oh.
You Oh,
you're fr Okay, yeah.
I am fruity.
I don't Yeah. I
I personally don't
usually describe it like that.
I usually say,
like, "fluid" mostly,
but I, yeah, I am a fruitcake.
-You lying to me right now?
-No, sir.
-You queerbaiting me?
-"Queerbaiting"?
No, what is
the spectrum of your language?
No, I Hey, Samir.
Samir, tell this guy,
I sleep with men.
I
[scoffs] This guy? No.
This guy?
If anything, he's homophobic.
No, I'm not. I'm not homophobic.
I heard you before,
I was, like, "Fruity what?"
'Cause I don't We don't
Get the hell out of my store.
Yes, sir.
He sleeps with men.
He does it all.
[Paul]
It's done, it's done. It's over.
So at this point, you and the suspect
exited the train
and made dinner plans?
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And not just one dinner,
but, uh, quote,
"Weekly dinners every Sunday.
"No literally, every Sunday.
"I don't care if it's Christmas,
we are getting
dinner that Sunday."
Yeah. That's correct.
[detective 2]
And then you exchanged numbers
and asked, quote,
"Can white people
and Black people be twins?
Someone call NASA. I feel
like we're literally twins."
Yeah, and what, uh,
what's the question?
Is it normal for you
to act this way
towards complete strangers?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, I see where
you could get confused there.
So, um, let me explain.
So, I feel like for
the average person in society,
they sort of need to turn on
and off. Right?
Like, on and then
they're off. And I have
this fun little thing
where I, um,
I don't have that problem.
No. So I can
really make a deep,
close, beautiful bond
with anyone, really.
All walks of life.
Yeah.
Which some people might
call a "friend slut,"
but I actually call
just being a delight.
So
But that's-that's me.
Tell me about
yourselves, please.
-[sighs] Uh-huh.
-[detective 1] Okay, so
you feel close to this man?
W-Which?
-The perpetrator.
-Oh, yes. Oh, my God.
You should have said that.
100%. Yeah.
You have a-a "deep, intimate
connection" with this man?
Yeah, very much so. Definitely.
Good.
-Bring 'em in.
-Hmm?
Who? Yes, bring 'em in.
Get in here. [laughs]
Who are these men?
Which one's the perpetrator?
-Hmm? Uh out of, out of these?
-Mm-hmm.
[Anton]
It's just
hard when they all look
so similar.
♪
[Issa]
Ooh, what about Davis?
He's into foot stuff,
bondage, piss play.
-Oh, and he's close
to his twin.
-Aww.
Okay, very close.
-Oh, you like that? Oh, my God!
-[both gasp]
It's a connection.
Okay, can you win Feeld?
Yeah, you can.
It's the Space Mountain picture.
Yeah, I know,
my boobs are just, like, up.
-Up, yeah, I know. Yeah.
-[doorbell rings]
Hmm.
Seriously, one of the guys
on here is going to give you
such an insane dick-down,
you won't even remember
that you're sad, jobless
and in debt. Hmm?
-[door opens]
-Hi.
[Ethan]
Hey. I'm Anton's friend.
Is he home?
[Issa]
Um, no, but he should
be home any minute.
-Do you want to come
wait inside?
-[door closes]
[whispers] Wait. Put your
phone down. It's happening.
What is?
-You're gonna fuck this man.
-What?
Wow.
-I know.
-[inhales]
You know, your mailbox
is really full.
-Oh. [laughs]
-Yeah.
Yeah, we're kind of, like,
saving that
for, like, a weekend project,
-so
-Cool.
-[whispers] He's so hot.
-I know.
-You literally manifested
-Yeah, I
Um, c do you want
to come sit down?
-Uh, sure.
-Please, come on.
-Ooh, wow. So strong.
-[Ethan chuckles]
[sighs] So
Hi. Billie.
Ethan.
So, how do you know Anton?
Oh, uh
He's my best friend
in the world.
[blows raspberry]
Yeah. Isn't he everybody's?
[mouths]
-Um
-Uh
Wine?
-Sure.
-[both laugh]
[Issa]
You know,
I want you to feel at home,
I want you to relax.
We also have some weed,
as well as some PCP
that we've been saving
for a very special night.
No, I did it once,
I had the most productive night
of my life. Oh, my God, hey.
-Oh, wait, hi, sweetie.
-[sighs] Hi.
Ugh. Hi.
Anton.
Have we I'm so sorry,
have we met?
Anton, it's Ethan.
I-I don't
Your friend Ethan?
[Issa]
Oh, my God. He does this.
-[ringing]
-[fading] Okay, he makes friends
with everyone,
but now it's become
this whole thing.
-Anton?
-[clears throat]
Is everything okay?
Sorry. Just have to use
the restroom.
Okay, he has
a very small bladder.
[indistinct chatter]
-Absolutely ginormous.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Um, so
-Wait, so, where are you from?
♪
♪
[whispers] Oh, fuck, fuck.
-You ask, you ask.
-I did the last one. No.
-Please.
-Nope.
Hi, do you guys want
to purchase a shotgun?
-Shotgun?
-No way.
[Russian accent]
My friend.
-Big gun, good price.
-Crazy.
Don't tell, don't tell
the guy in there about us.
-[phone buzzes]
-What's up?
-[regular accent] Anton wants us
to bring home gum.
-Mm.
Look, I yeah, I got some.
Okay, sick, that would've been,
like, a whole thing.
-Miss, shotgun?
-[screams]
-Whoa, whoa. Ah.
-Sorry.
Tight, tight, tight jacket
and oh, my God.
-Billie, look at these arms.
-Wow, I love your tattoo.
I was literally thinking
about getting one.
Did it hurt?
I don't know.
-I don't really feel pain.
-[gasps]
-Wow.
-Wait, that's so real.
[whispering]
Hey, Billie. Billie.
-Hey, Bill
-[both mouthing]
[softly]
Yeah, yeah.
[choking sounds]
-Anton?
-Yeah, mm-hmm? Mm-hmm?
Are you still making me paella?
-Duh.
-[laughter]
What?
Um, can I talk to you guys
for a second?
Yeah, you two.
Would be great. Yeah.
Let me steal you away.
-Come with me.
-Right now?
-Yep, right now! [laughs]
-Okay, okay.
[Anton laughs]
Right now, girls.
[Issa]
We're gonna be right back, so
[Anton]
Follow me.
-Stop it, stop, stop. Stop.
-[Anton] In the car. In the car.
-Oh, my God. No, he is so hot.
-He's perfect.
-His eyes are like
-Go. Get in the car.
-Get in the car.
-Oh, my God!
-Jesus Christ, Anton.
-Fuck.
-Okay.
-[Billie] Okay. God.
-He's so hot.
-I know.
-Oh, my God.
-Anton, what are you doing?
Billie is trying
to fuck that guy.
Believe me, okay, she's not.
-Okay, no listen
-No
-Hi, um,
we're at 80-03 Forest Street.
Um, the Bayside Stabber
is sitting on my couch.
What are you talking ab
-[indistinct voice over phone]
-Uh-huh.
[dispatcher] Sir, how did
they get into your house?
-Oh, oh, my God.
-What?
I may have let him follow me
on Find My Friends,
and for that
I am so deeply sorry.
-You have a problem, Anton!
-Okay, you might be right.
No, not you. No, please.
No, I feel a connection
with you. Already, yep.
Oh, my God!
Why are you like this?
[door opens]
-Anton.
-[both scream]
No, no, no, no. He's coming,
he's coming towards us.
-Oh, my God.
-He's coming towards us,
he's coming
It's Sunday, man.
We doing dinner or what?
-Tell him to leave, Anton.
-[Issa] Seriously,
he's a stabber.
-You can let him hate you.
-Okay, okay, yeah.
Are you guys heading out?
[Issa quietly]
Yes, yes.
I'll come with.
-Yeah, totally. Hop in.
-[Ethan] Okay.
-I'll go around back.
-What the fuck? Lock the door.
Well, he's getting in
the car now, so
[crying] I don't want him
to get in the car.
[Issa]
Come on, please.
[Ethan]
Hey, can you pop the trunk?
-I've got this bag.
-Hey, he's not your friend.
You can tell him
he's not your friend.
-I obviously can't do that,
Issa!
-Yes, you can.
I believe in you.
We believe in you, don't we?
Tell him. Tell him, Anton.
Tell
Anton?
-Anton.
-Anton, what are you doing?
[Issa]
Do not run over this man, Anton.
Do not run over this man.
Anton, no, no, don't
do not run over this man!
-[all screaming]
-[crunching]
What did you do?
Are you crazy?
Something in me is broken.
I just need to be everything
for everyone,
and now I just killed a man!
[muffled crying]
I'm so tired, I'm so tired,
I'm so fucking tired.
Oh, my I am so
-Why am
-What the fuck, dude?
-[screaming]
-Oh, my fucking God!
Okay, fucking do it. Just do it.
[clears throat]
Hey. Um [exhales]
I
I don't want to be friends
with you.
I'm really sorry.
You could've just said that.
Totally.
-[Issa] Oh, my God.
-[Billie] The police.
-[Anton] Go, go, go.
-Hey! Officer!
-He's over there!
-That's him, Officer.
[Billie]
He's standing over there.
-I'm so sorry.
-[indistinct radio chatter]
What's going on?
Unbelievably sorry about that.
-[Billie] He ran into the alley.
-[Issa] Come on.
-There's a man there.
-[officer] We got visual
on the Bayside Stabber.
-In pursuit.
-Chase him hard!
-He doesn't feel pain.
-[Paul] Wait, what?
That's the Stabber?
-Yeah.
-I know. And Billie
almost fucked him.
But it was too much too fast.
-Yeah, way too much.
-Yeah.
Fucking a stabber is,
like, a nine.
You want to start
at, like, a six.
Yeah, a six or a five.
-[Issa] Ooh, a five, yeah.
-Yeah.
Give me your phone.
Give it.
Okay. Ready?
Red Shirt Tall Guy.
-Delete.
-Mm.
-Michelle Elevator.
-[both] Delete.
Goodbye, Michelle.
-Scarf Guy, Kind Eyes.
-[Billie] Bye.
-No, keep. Keep. Kind.
He's kind.
-[Issa] No. No.
-That doesn't mean anything.
Delete.
-No.
[Issa]
Joe with the Lea oh, my God,
you know Joe with the Leash?
[Anton]
Yeah, but he never walks you.
[Issa]
Oh! That is correct. Delete.
-Okay.
-[Billie] Wait, so what happened
with you guys?
[Issa]
Oh, yeah, what did happen
to you guys?
-[Paul] Oh
-[Samir] It's like a
-Don't even worry about it.
-[laughter]
[Issa]
Okay, Flight Attendant Straight?
Delete. Why would you keep
a straight man?
[Anton groans]
No, dude, he's hot.
-[Issa] Ok too bad.
-"Dude"?
-[Issa] Man?
-[Anton] I suddenly,
I almost get stabbed
and I become a bro?
[Billie]
That can happen
after traumatic incidents.
-[laughter]
-[Paul] Oh, Anton,
I got your gum.
Yeah, I was inside ♪
Yeah, a Saturday night
at home ♪
And on the TV they never play
no rock and roll ♪
I got tired just gettin' up
on my feet that day ♪
I had to rock and roll a joint
and have a green day ♪
-Yeah ♪
-Yeah, I was inside ♪
Yeah, a Saturday night
at home ♪
And on the TV they never play
no rock and roll ♪
I got tired just gettin' up
on my feet that day ♪
I had to rock and roll a joint
and have a green day. ♪
Captioned by
access.wgbh.org
[man]
Ha-ha. Good at bizness.
[police radio chatter]
[Paul] I'm telling you, sir,
I live right there.
[officer]
I need proof.
I don't have any proof.
I just moved in.
Hey, hey.
-What's going on? Hi.
-Oh, hey, baby.
Okay, don't freak out, Iss,
but there seems to have been
a very light stabbing
on our block.
[gasps]
Billie stabbed Samir
over the hospital bill.
-No. No.
-What?
-No?
-[Anton] but that's sisters.
Ultimately, that's sisters,
you know.
I mean, I don't have sisters,
but I assume
that's what they're like.
Oh, hi. How are you?
Oh, my God, how does
he know everyone?
Oh. Hey, Kurt?
Kurt?
Yeah, they're good.
They're with me.
You can let them in.
Seriously?
And hang these up
around the neighborhood.
What?
Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.
[Anton]
bronchitis.
I have a CPAP at home.
How does he know everyone?
[Anton laughs]
When I think backless dress,
I really do think Doreen.
You should be
wearing this more often.
Anton.
"Have you seen this man?"
Oh.
Oh, him.
Oh.
Wow. Doreen? Doreen,
you have to come see this.
This is crazy. I'm in a poster.
Oh. It's not exciting.
-Doreen?
-Hmm?
[Anton] You're gonna
want to see this, my love.
♪
Ooh ♪
Yeah ♪
I need some bad advice ♪
Yeah, oh ♪
We'll stay up tonight ♪
We'll make it out alive ♪
Ooh, ooh, hoo! ♪
Is this gonna take
way longer, or
-One more, one more second.
-Okay.
[Billie]
No, Samir, I'm not angry at you.
Okay, but I get if you are.
Like, you trusted me,
and my dumb ass
got you into, like,
15 grand of medical debt.
And is it the biggest number
I've ever seen in my real life?
Yes. But that's okay.
I have no job,
I'm at rock bottom.
Is that the end of the sentence?
But I feel excited, you know?
Like, for the first time
in my life,
there are no expectations.
I can do anything.
I might buy a vape.
We don't know.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna
get you the money.
No, Samir,
you're not gonna get me fift
Yeah, obviously. It's
I have to.
It's the least I could do.
'Kay, we're starting.
We're starting my thing, so
My thanks to Paul Baker
for setting up AirPlay.
Your film studies minor
was not in vain.
-Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
-'Kay, sit.
-So sexy.
-So,
to start with your most
pressing questions
yes, I met the Bayside Stabber.
And yes, we had a really
lovely conversation
on the F train.
And yeah,
he sent me
these texts afterwards,
which are, frankly,
so nice and non-stabby?
So, let's just take a look.
Um, okay.
Uh, okay. Oh, okay, okay.
Who is
"Brianna Acupuncture Student?"
[Anton]
Sorry, sorry.
That's-that's
That's not him. That's not him.
Who's "Leather Jacket
Newsies Chorus?"
I think it was further back.
Oh, yeah.
"Bobby backpack,"
what's the story there?
[laughs]
Look for, like, "train."
When you don't
respond to my texts, this,
seeing this,
makes me feel a lot worse.
We have a gorgeous
dialogue over text.
[Samir]
I'm so far down in this.
No, you're
[Paul]
Oh, that's deep.
-That's deep. D
-[laughter]
You're responding to
"Ghostbusters Librarian,"
and I don't get a text back.
Oh, shit.
I forgot to return the book.
Anton, the stabber.
-Okay, now, this is the stabber.
This is him.
-Okay.
"Anton, I miss you already.
You are a light in this world."
The stabber sent this to you?
-[Anton] Yeah.
-And what'd you say back?
Just, like, nothing.
-Anton, move. Come on.
-Anton, move.
Sidestep, please.
Mm-hmm.
[Paul]
"I'm serious about
making paellas.
This is the season of us."
-Oh, my God.
-Anton.
-What?
-[Issa] You are
such a friend slut.
-Okay, ow?
-[Issa] No, seriously,
you just have this thing
where you have to make people
feel like the most important
person in the world
-Mm-hmm.
-so they
fall in love with you,
and then you ultimately
forget about them.
That is not true, Issa. Okay?
I treasure my people.
You have 400
unread text messages.
No, it's four thou
It's 4,000, usually.
Yeah, it's 4,000. It's just
the zero gets cut off.
-Anton.
-[Billie] Seriously, Anton.
You can't just soul-bond
with every person you meet.
It's not normal.
Uh, why not?
Uh, because
some people stab people.
-Yeah.
-Okay, you guys
are being dramatic.
It's not like it's
an ongoing conversation.
-He's not following up with me.
-[phone chimes]
[shouting]
-What?
-He just liked it.
-What do you call that?
-[Billie] He hearted it.
Okay, so what?
-He hearted a message.
-[Samir] And now he's typing.
-[shouting]
-What?
-He's typing! He's typing!
-[screams]
Block him! Block him!
He's typing!
Look. See? And it's gone.
You guys, breathe, okay?
Please, the text went away.
It's all fine.
-I promise.
-[phone rings]
-[screaming]
-What now? What?
He's calling you!
-What?
-He's calling you!
-He's calling.
-[Issa screaming]
What is he doing? What What?
[Issa]
Oh, my God!
[Anton]
Oh
my God. You just missed the call
and you cracked my screen.
Uh
[automated voice]
Your call has been
forwarded to an
♪
Coat closet?
Hey.
-Yo.
-Where's everyone?
Uh, I think they all went to
the police station with Anton.
Dude, crazy that
he knows the stabber.
Is he just always like that?
Like, is he always
just so friendly?
Yes, it's a problem.
We think his parents took him
to, like, too many dinner
parties when he was a kid.
[chuckles]
Okay.
[door opens]
-[Samir] Holy fuck!
-What?
[Samir]
Oh. Oh
You okay?
-I
-Yo! What the fuck?
Has that been here
the whole time?
I don't know.
I guess, I guess, I guess.
What do you mean, "you guess"?
I don't know, I guess.
I don't know.
This is not
We're not like a gunny family.
It looks pretty gunny
to me, dude.
No, I know
You just moved in here.
This is not
the vibe of the house.
Okay. I have actually never
seen one in person before.
It makes me want to throw up.
I'm gonna I'm gonna
fucking throw it out.
You can't throw it out, dude.
What if the stabber gets it?
No, dude, we have to, uh
Oh, we can take it
to a buyback. Yeah.
-What's a buyback?
-Like, at a gun store.
You can take the gun
to a gun store
and they will buy it back from
you for like a chunk of cash.
We can go together if you want.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
-Okay. Yeah, sweet.
-Okay, great.
-Oh. Sorry, sorry.
-Jesus.
[siren wailing]
[loud chatter]
[Issa]
Defund the police
and all, but they, like,
need to zhuzh this place up.
It's so depressing.
[phone buzzes]
Wait, what the hell?
[laughs]
Oh, my God. Jailbait.
Who are you?
No, I know, but I told you.
I'm-I'm trying
to explore a little.
-[gasps]
-Like, okay,
I am done with the version of me
who asks boring guys to choke me
and then says,
"What? Just kidding."
Like, I want
to live my 20s a little.
-Is that crazy?
-No.
You've arrived.
I'm so happy.
I couldn't agree more.
Seriously, like,
you're between jobs.
This is your time
to start fucking
like your grandchildren
will hear about it one day.
-Okay. Mindwipe.
-Yeah?
I do want my grandchildren
to think of me sexually.
Gone from my brain.
-Never heard it.
-Thank you.
Give me your phone. Okay.
I'm gonna put you on Feeld.
This was amazing
for my whore phase.
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
Before I met Paul Baker,
this is how I met
that Brazilian couple.
-Oh, Lucas and Sophia.
-Yeah.
So hot.
And, oh, my God,
uh, Joe with the leash.
Joe with the leash?
I know, but don't.
He never walks you.
-Hi. Um, so, apparently
-Hi.
they want me
to give a statement.
What? Really?
[groans]
Why must I become embroiled?
Because you are a friend slut.
Because you're
a big slutty friend slut
who needs everyone
to be obsessed with you.
That's not true.
I don't need you guys
-to be obsessed with me.
-That's 'cause you know
we're obsessed with you.
And whose fault is that?
-[laughs]
-[officer] Mr. Evans?
-We're ready for you.
-Oh, my God.
Okay, earrings. Yes!
Oh, thanks.
-I made them myself.
-[Anton] What?
Wow. You and I are gonna
go to Shark Tank, girl.
Mark Cuban's suddenly in,
we're in tears.
I took this class at the Y
[whispers]
Friend slut.
-Oh, sorry. Which way, baby?
-Get back here. Come on.
[gasps]
Ooh.
How do you feel about firemen?
-[inhales]
-Oh, no, sorry. There's a comma.
How do you feel about
fire and also men?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
[entry bell jingles]
-I can't. No.
-Yes, we can.
-I can't.
-We can. We got this.
We can't do anything.
We look like
we're fucking J. Crew Columbine.
I don't want this shit.
All right. No, we can.
Just let me talk.
-I'll handle this, all right?
-Okay. Okay.
I'll I'll chill in
the fucking grenade aisle.
Okay, yeah.
[clears throat]
Hey, bud. Hi.
How are you? Name's Paul Baker.
It's nice to meet you.
Look, my buddy over there,
my buddy with the flag?
That's him.
He's going through it right now.
He found his dad's shotgun
in the old coat closet.
Problem is, he's not a
[imitates gunshots]
007 man like yourself.
So we're just
trying to figure out
a way to, uh,
sell this bad boy back to you.
You know,
aka a little buyback.
I'm sure you're familiar,
you know?
So what do you say about that
one, huh, big guy?
C-Could you help us out
with that?
Why are you talking to me
like I'm retarded?
Oh no, I wasn't. No.
The We actually
don't use that word anymore.
Like, at all, sir. I
The cast of Glee kind of ended
that through the power of song,
-so
-What, "retarded"?
-[groans]
-My sister's retarded.
-Do you got a sister who's
-Just give me one sec
Hey, dude, uh, we can't do this.
Uh, we got to go.
-What do you mean?
-Okay, I don't know.
Dude, that's
never happened to me before.
I think that went, like
-What happened?
-bad. I don't know.
Okay, well, I'm not
leaving the gun store
with a gun.
We're gonna look insane. No.
I can't sell it to this man.
I don't, I don't know
Paul Baker, you're
a charming-ass man.
-Hmm.
-And I didn't want
to say this before,
but I need
this money for Billie.
For her medical bills?
Yeah.
Fuck. Okay.
Oh, shit. Okay.
-Okay? We got this.
-Yeah. Totally.
We got this. You and me.
All right.
Oh, you're just gonna
I'm just gonna hang out here.
Okay.
Hey, brother. My man.
Uh, I feel like I condescended
towards you before,
and for that, I am very sorry.
I don't know what that was.
Might be a Canadian thing. But
if we could just start over,
I'm just trying
to sell this gun back.
[laughs]
I don't know what that was.
What's with the nail polish?
You a fruitcake or something?
Am I a frui
No.
No, I am not a fruitcake.
No, that is Um, no.
Huh. 'Cause I was gonna say,
if you were a little fruity,
I'd get your number
and buy your gun.
Oh.
You Oh,
you're fr Okay, yeah.
I am fruity.
I don't Yeah. I
I personally don't
usually describe it like that.
I usually say,
like, "fluid" mostly,
but I, yeah, I am a fruitcake.
-You lying to me right now?
-No, sir.
-You queerbaiting me?
-"Queerbaiting"?
No, what is
the spectrum of your language?
No, I Hey, Samir.
Samir, tell this guy,
I sleep with men.
I
[scoffs] This guy? No.
This guy?
If anything, he's homophobic.
No, I'm not. I'm not homophobic.
I heard you before,
I was, like, "Fruity what?"
'Cause I don't We don't
Get the hell out of my store.
Yes, sir.
He sleeps with men.
He does it all.
[Paul]
It's done, it's done. It's over.
So at this point, you and the suspect
exited the train
and made dinner plans?
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And not just one dinner,
but, uh, quote,
"Weekly dinners every Sunday.
"No literally, every Sunday.
"I don't care if it's Christmas,
we are getting
dinner that Sunday."
Yeah. That's correct.
[detective 2]
And then you exchanged numbers
and asked, quote,
"Can white people
and Black people be twins?
Someone call NASA. I feel
like we're literally twins."
Yeah, and what, uh,
what's the question?
Is it normal for you
to act this way
towards complete strangers?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, I see where
you could get confused there.
So, um, let me explain.
So, I feel like for
the average person in society,
they sort of need to turn on
and off. Right?
Like, on and then
they're off. And I have
this fun little thing
where I, um,
I don't have that problem.
No. So I can
really make a deep,
close, beautiful bond
with anyone, really.
All walks of life.
Yeah.
Which some people might
call a "friend slut,"
but I actually call
just being a delight.
So
But that's-that's me.
Tell me about
yourselves, please.
-[sighs] Uh-huh.
-[detective 1] Okay, so
you feel close to this man?
W-Which?
-The perpetrator.
-Oh, yes. Oh, my God.
You should have said that.
100%. Yeah.
You have a-a "deep, intimate
connection" with this man?
Yeah, very much so. Definitely.
Good.
-Bring 'em in.
-Hmm?
Who? Yes, bring 'em in.
Get in here. [laughs]
Who are these men?
Which one's the perpetrator?
-Hmm? Uh out of, out of these?
-Mm-hmm.
[Anton]
It's just
hard when they all look
so similar.
♪
[Issa]
Ooh, what about Davis?
He's into foot stuff,
bondage, piss play.
-Oh, and he's close
to his twin.
-Aww.
Okay, very close.
-Oh, you like that? Oh, my God!
-[both gasp]
It's a connection.
Okay, can you win Feeld?
Yeah, you can.
It's the Space Mountain picture.
Yeah, I know,
my boobs are just, like, up.
-Up, yeah, I know. Yeah.
-[doorbell rings]
Hmm.
Seriously, one of the guys
on here is going to give you
such an insane dick-down,
you won't even remember
that you're sad, jobless
and in debt. Hmm?
-[door opens]
-Hi.
[Ethan]
Hey. I'm Anton's friend.
Is he home?
[Issa]
Um, no, but he should
be home any minute.
-Do you want to come
wait inside?
-[door closes]
[whispers] Wait. Put your
phone down. It's happening.
What is?
-You're gonna fuck this man.
-What?
Wow.
-I know.
-[inhales]
You know, your mailbox
is really full.
-Oh. [laughs]
-Yeah.
Yeah, we're kind of, like,
saving that
for, like, a weekend project,
-so
-Cool.
-[whispers] He's so hot.
-I know.
-You literally manifested
-Yeah, I
Um, c do you want
to come sit down?
-Uh, sure.
-Please, come on.
-Ooh, wow. So strong.
-[Ethan chuckles]
[sighs] So
Hi. Billie.
Ethan.
So, how do you know Anton?
Oh, uh
He's my best friend
in the world.
[blows raspberry]
Yeah. Isn't he everybody's?
[mouths]
-Um
-Uh
Wine?
-Sure.
-[both laugh]
[Issa]
You know,
I want you to feel at home,
I want you to relax.
We also have some weed,
as well as some PCP
that we've been saving
for a very special night.
No, I did it once,
I had the most productive night
of my life. Oh, my God, hey.
-Oh, wait, hi, sweetie.
-[sighs] Hi.
Ugh. Hi.
Anton.
Have we I'm so sorry,
have we met?
Anton, it's Ethan.
I-I don't
Your friend Ethan?
[Issa]
Oh, my God. He does this.
-[ringing]
-[fading] Okay, he makes friends
with everyone,
but now it's become
this whole thing.
-Anton?
-[clears throat]
Is everything okay?
Sorry. Just have to use
the restroom.
Okay, he has
a very small bladder.
[indistinct chatter]
-Absolutely ginormous.
-Wow.
-Yeah.
-Um, so
-Wait, so, where are you from?
♪
♪
[whispers] Oh, fuck, fuck.
-You ask, you ask.
-I did the last one. No.
-Please.
-Nope.
Hi, do you guys want
to purchase a shotgun?
-Shotgun?
-No way.
[Russian accent]
My friend.
-Big gun, good price.
-Crazy.
Don't tell, don't tell
the guy in there about us.
-[phone buzzes]
-What's up?
-[regular accent] Anton wants us
to bring home gum.
-Mm.
Look, I yeah, I got some.
Okay, sick, that would've been,
like, a whole thing.
-Miss, shotgun?
-[screams]
-Whoa, whoa. Ah.
-Sorry.
Tight, tight, tight jacket
and oh, my God.
-Billie, look at these arms.
-Wow, I love your tattoo.
I was literally thinking
about getting one.
Did it hurt?
I don't know.
-I don't really feel pain.
-[gasps]
-Wow.
-Wait, that's so real.
[whispering]
Hey, Billie. Billie.
-Hey, Bill
-[both mouthing]
[softly]
Yeah, yeah.
[choking sounds]
-Anton?
-Yeah, mm-hmm? Mm-hmm?
Are you still making me paella?
-Duh.
-[laughter]
What?
Um, can I talk to you guys
for a second?
Yeah, you two.
Would be great. Yeah.
Let me steal you away.
-Come with me.
-Right now?
-Yep, right now! [laughs]
-Okay, okay.
[Anton laughs]
Right now, girls.
[Issa]
We're gonna be right back, so
[Anton]
Follow me.
-Stop it, stop, stop. Stop.
-[Anton] In the car. In the car.
-Oh, my God. No, he is so hot.
-He's perfect.
-His eyes are like
-Go. Get in the car.
-Get in the car.
-Oh, my God!
-Jesus Christ, Anton.
-Fuck.
-Okay.
-[Billie] Okay. God.
-He's so hot.
-I know.
-Oh, my God.
-Anton, what are you doing?
Billie is trying
to fuck that guy.
Believe me, okay, she's not.
-Okay, no listen
-No
-Hi, um,
we're at 80-03 Forest Street.
Um, the Bayside Stabber
is sitting on my couch.
What are you talking ab
-[indistinct voice over phone]
-Uh-huh.
[dispatcher] Sir, how did
they get into your house?
-Oh, oh, my God.
-What?
I may have let him follow me
on Find My Friends,
and for that
I am so deeply sorry.
-You have a problem, Anton!
-Okay, you might be right.
No, not you. No, please.
No, I feel a connection
with you. Already, yep.
Oh, my God!
Why are you like this?
[door opens]
-Anton.
-[both scream]
No, no, no, no. He's coming,
he's coming towards us.
-Oh, my God.
-He's coming towards us,
he's coming
It's Sunday, man.
We doing dinner or what?
-Tell him to leave, Anton.
-[Issa] Seriously,
he's a stabber.
-You can let him hate you.
-Okay, okay, yeah.
Are you guys heading out?
[Issa quietly]
Yes, yes.
I'll come with.
-Yeah, totally. Hop in.
-[Ethan] Okay.
-I'll go around back.
-What the fuck? Lock the door.
Well, he's getting in
the car now, so
[crying] I don't want him
to get in the car.
[Issa]
Come on, please.
[Ethan]
Hey, can you pop the trunk?
-I've got this bag.
-Hey, he's not your friend.
You can tell him
he's not your friend.
-I obviously can't do that,
Issa!
-Yes, you can.
I believe in you.
We believe in you, don't we?
Tell him. Tell him, Anton.
Tell
Anton?
-Anton.
-Anton, what are you doing?
[Issa]
Do not run over this man, Anton.
Do not run over this man.
Anton, no, no, don't
do not run over this man!
-[all screaming]
-[crunching]
What did you do?
Are you crazy?
Something in me is broken.
I just need to be everything
for everyone,
and now I just killed a man!
[muffled crying]
I'm so tired, I'm so tired,
I'm so fucking tired.
Oh, my I am so
-Why am
-What the fuck, dude?
-[screaming]
-Oh, my fucking God!
Okay, fucking do it. Just do it.
[clears throat]
Hey. Um [exhales]
I
I don't want to be friends
with you.
I'm really sorry.
You could've just said that.
Totally.
-[Issa] Oh, my God.
-[Billie] The police.
-[Anton] Go, go, go.
-Hey! Officer!
-He's over there!
-That's him, Officer.
[Billie]
He's standing over there.
-I'm so sorry.
-[indistinct radio chatter]
What's going on?
Unbelievably sorry about that.
-[Billie] He ran into the alley.
-[Issa] Come on.
-There's a man there.
-[officer] We got visual
on the Bayside Stabber.
-In pursuit.
-Chase him hard!
-He doesn't feel pain.
-[Paul] Wait, what?
That's the Stabber?
-Yeah.
-I know. And Billie
almost fucked him.
But it was too much too fast.
-Yeah, way too much.
-Yeah.
Fucking a stabber is,
like, a nine.
You want to start
at, like, a six.
Yeah, a six or a five.
-[Issa] Ooh, a five, yeah.
-Yeah.
Give me your phone.
Give it.
Okay. Ready?
Red Shirt Tall Guy.
-Delete.
-Mm.
-Michelle Elevator.
-[both] Delete.
Goodbye, Michelle.
-Scarf Guy, Kind Eyes.
-[Billie] Bye.
-No, keep. Keep. Kind.
He's kind.
-[Issa] No. No.
-That doesn't mean anything.
Delete.
-No.
[Issa]
Joe with the Lea oh, my God,
you know Joe with the Leash?
[Anton]
Yeah, but he never walks you.
[Issa]
Oh! That is correct. Delete.
-Okay.
-[Billie] Wait, so what happened
with you guys?
[Issa]
Oh, yeah, what did happen
to you guys?
-[Paul] Oh
-[Samir] It's like a
-Don't even worry about it.
-[laughter]
[Issa]
Okay, Flight Attendant Straight?
Delete. Why would you keep
a straight man?
[Anton groans]
No, dude, he's hot.
-[Issa] Ok too bad.
-"Dude"?
-[Issa] Man?
-[Anton] I suddenly,
I almost get stabbed
and I become a bro?
[Billie]
That can happen
after traumatic incidents.
-[laughter]
-[Paul] Oh, Anton,
I got your gum.
Yeah, I was inside ♪
Yeah, a Saturday night
at home ♪
And on the TV they never play
no rock and roll ♪
I got tired just gettin' up
on my feet that day ♪
I had to rock and roll a joint
and have a green day ♪
-Yeah ♪
-Yeah, I was inside ♪
Yeah, a Saturday night
at home ♪
And on the TV they never play
no rock and roll ♪
I got tired just gettin' up
on my feet that day ♪
I had to rock and roll a joint
and have a green day. ♪
Captioned by
access.wgbh.org
[man]
Ha-ha. Good at bizness.