AfterMASH (1983) s01e03 Episode Script

1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
I'm crazy about you.
So am I.
I cooked your favorite breakfast.
Again?
Soon-Lee, I love Rice Krispies.
It's the only cereal that has a bigger
vocabulary than I do.
Are we about out, I hope?
Maybe six more months.
I use a coupon to send for free
silverware.
Pretty smart, huh?
At least it'll save me from having to kite
wooden spoons from the ice cream man.
What a woman.
Always figuring out stuff to make our life
better.
You're one in a million, honey.
We both are.
Am I a lucky stiff or what?
Incredible wife, half a lovely home, a job that if I
make a mistake I don't get my knees broke, and my boss?
What can I say?
The colonel's a prince.
What about the big boss who has two faces?
D'Angelo?
No sweat.
Comes in at ten, has lunch from eleven to
four, and goes home early.
He gives all the hatchet work to his
assistant, Alma Cox.
Ah, the one you call the walking sneer?
Your next smile will be her first.
But not to worry, I've buttered her up
till she's putty in my hands.
I'm on a roll, kid.
Even managed to sock away some greenbacks.
What are greenbacks?
Uh, scratch, honey, bucks, loot,
uh, dead presidents.
Have a look at the latest grand total.
$200?
Max, we're so rich, we're stinking!
Not yet.
We're just a little ripe.
$200 don't make you rich.
Just very comfortable.
You know something?
We might be able to afford a new used car.
Would you like that, sweetie?
A car, Max, could we?
Well, we might have to cut back on the
hamburger for a while.
But summer's coming.
We could go for Sunday drives.
There's parts of River Bend we haven't
even seen yet.
We could make a picnic.
We could, we can, we got it made.
Oh, life is too beautiful.
I'm crazy about you.
So am I.
Hi, you must be Mr. Walter Hiller.
I noticed you were admitted this morning.
I'm Father Mulcahy.
Oh, dear.
I put some stitches in it.
You mean the doctors put some stitches in
it.
No, I mean I put some stitches in it.
I'm a sewer at the shoe factory.
My hand slipped or something.
I work on soles.
Well, maybe we can talk shop sometime.
Hey, look who's back.
Hard luck killer.
What happened this time?
You get hit by a meteor?
You've been here before?
Oh, you could get muscles lifting my
medical files.
So far this year, I tore up my foot in a
lawnmower.
I fell down some stairs and I broke two
ribs.
Let's see, what else?
I, uh Closed the car door on your arm.
Right.
Every day's an adventure.
Yes, well, I'm a bit pratfall prone myself.
At the seminary, they used to say I
couldn't pray and chew gum at the same time.
You know, Father, I'm getting pretty tired
of all these clothes.
Calls.
I wish you'd have a word with your boss.
Either take me or leave me alone.
Mr. Hiller, I assure you, if my boss really
wanted you, you'd have been with him long ago.
God has an excellent paging system.
Think about it.
Okay.
Hey, what you doing?
Working.
Working at what?
Working at building the canopy while some
jerk pesters me with stupid questions.
Hey, pal, it's too early to be surly.
Relax, enjoy this beautiful day.
It's the only one we get until tomorrow.
Good morning, Miss Cox.
My, you're looking lovelier than ever
today, but then you do every day.
You're looking quite natty yourself,
Mr. Klinger.
That's me, natty but nice.
No doubt you were dressed to test.
Come again?
Your civil service test.
You have to take it and pass it, I might add, within
three months of being hired in order to keep your job.
You have to keep your job permanently.
Guess how long you've been here.
Three months.
To the day, your last day.
Surely you knew that.
Surely I didn't.
Tragic.
Well, as civil service
administrator, I will give you until 5.
30 to prepare yourself for failure, which
I know you'll achieve with flying colors.
How come you didn't tell me about this
test before?
I was too busy giving you enough rope,
Mr. Klinger.
But your Colonel Potter should have
informed you.
Maybe he did.
Sometimes I don't pay much attention
unless he's yelling.
That is just one more example of your
irresponsibility.
You have broken, bent, and or circumvented
every regulation of this hospital,
and I am gleefully looking forward to
seeing you go.
You're ripping the name Max Klinger from
your future former desktop, tearing it up
into little pieces, and mailing those
pieces to you postage due.
You don't like me, do you?
I've tried not to let it show.
I've got too much at stake to let you
railroad me out of here.
I'm going to tell my Colonel Potter about
this.
Listen, he'll go over your head.
With all due respect, Mr. Klinger,
my boss can lick your boss.
Cannot!
Can too!
We'll see!
Smut.
Smut on smut.
Disgusting publication.
I don't know why you allow it in here.
Well, some people go for that sort of
stuff, Mr. D'Angelo.
Hard to believe.
Uh, you want some more off the sides?
No.
Too short and my face looks fat.
Just take the top down a tad.
Kind of a Stuart Granger look.
Right.
One Stuart Granger.
Coming right up.
He's the ball player, right?
Mike, I have to talk to you.
Oh, Colonel, what can I do you for?
It's about Klinger.
Klinger.
Klinger.
Oh, the nose!
I'm all ears.
I'll say.
The boy's being forced to take his civil
service test on two seconds notice.
Now that's a test that could affect his
entire future.
He needs a waiver, or at least an
extension.
And you're the only one who can save him.
So come on now.
What do you say?
Um, hold the clippers.
You're not doing a lobotomy, Gilbert.
Mike!
What?
Klinger!
Right.
Well, now, Sherm, the way I look at it, I'm an executive,
and this isn't really an executive-level problem.
Oh, well, I didn't know.
I thought you might be interested in it on
a human level.
Well, you're new.
Tell you what, I like this boy.
What's his name again?
Klinger.
Right.
Now, I'm going to have this whole ball of wax
checked out by my good right hand, Miss Cox.
She handles these civil service matters, and a
more compassionate woman never drew a breath.
That compassionate woman is the one
who's trying to nail Klinger's carcass to the wall.
Hmm.
That presents a bit of a problem.
I'm not one to run roughshod over an underling,
especially one who knows where all the bodies are buried.
Well, gotta go.
Skip the nose hairs, Gilbert.
Gilbert.
Sherm, I'm afraid my hands are tied.
Ergo, your hands are tied.
Ergo, Klinger's out of luck.
Not at all.
He could pass the test.
But if he fails it, have him come see me.
Maybe he can mow my lawn or something.
Oh, Mike, there's something else.
Sherm, I'm late for a downtown breakfast
now.
The dentist association is giving me a
little plaque.
How about And when I get back, I
have to inspect the new canopy construction.
Go, go, go.
How's this?
I meet you at your car when
you come back from breakfast,
and we talk as you make
your way over to the canopy.
All right, five minutes.
My car door is always open.
75 cents, Mr. D'Angelo.
Here's three quarters.
Keep the change.
I thought haircuts were 50 cents.
They are.
Father, did you hear the PA announcement?
No.
Was it important?
It was God.
Well, um
What did God say?
He said you can't hide forever,
Seaman Hiller.
He did?
Yeah.
No, no, no, of course not.
God doesn't talk on the PA.
God can take a joke, can't he, Father?
As long as you don't try to top him.
Boy, you were gone a long time, sir.
But I guess you can't rush when it comes
to saving your clerk's life.
Sir, you're the greatest, the greatest.
Of the greatest.
You gotta take the test.
I gotta sit down.
You are sitting down.
Then I gotta stand up.
I can't take this sitting down.
It's today, 5.30.
I gave it my best shot.
Tried to twist D'Angelo's arm,
but it was too slippery.
I don't believe it.
I put my entire life in your hands,
and you dropped it?
Look, just take the damn thing, okay?
Here's a sample test.
It's no big deal.
Body is related to food as engine is
related to A, wheel, B, smoke,
C, motion, D, fuel.
What kind of double talk is this?
Body is related to food?
By what, marriage?
Klinger, it's just common sense.
The answer is
Fuel!
Wonderful.
A doctor barely knows the answer.
What chance does an idiot have?
Look at this.
Look, look, grammar questions,
a typing test, dictation.
Why is this happening to me?
Never a break, not once.
You're a bright fellow.
You can pass that test.
I can't.
If all I had to do was read it,
I'd only have a 50-50 chance.
I'll cheat.
How do you cheat in a dictation test?
You don't.
They catch you finagling.
It's craps for sure.
This isn't like the old days when the regs were just
something you went around to get what you wanted.
You gotta do everything legal like here.
I can't.
You take away my scams and savvy and I'm
just another moron named Max.
Bushwa.
Now I'm gonna give you the rest of the day
off.
I want you to go home, study your brain out, and
come back at 5.30 and whip that test to smithereens.
And that's an order, soldier.
All right, sir.
I'll give it the old
never-made-it-to-college try.
But things sure were easier in the old days
when you were important enough to help me out.
No offense.
No offense taken, Max.
But the war is over.
Yeah.
The war is over.
Now the battle begins.
The problem is the autoclave, Mike.
Right, the thingamajig for the
instruments.
It sterilizes them.
Sterilize?
Ouch.
It's not doing the job.
Ours is old, Mike.
Must have been built in the year dot.
Got it.
My handyman, Ferdy, wizard with gadgets.
He repaired my mix master like new for
three bucks.
I'll call him for you.
Be careful with that canvas, buddy.
You break it, you bought it.
Mike, we need a new autoclave.
New?
Well, now, Sherm, that comes under the
hood.
We're getting no can-do.
I'm afraid our cupboard is bare,
money-wise, till the end of the quarter.
Then how can we afford to be building a
new canopy?
Simple.
This is beautification.
You're talking medical.
Of course I am.
What's more important?
What's more important is not what's
important.
You've got, number one, your medical
budget.
Number two, your beautification budget.
Apples and oranges.
Cost spending is strictly verboten.
Let's pick up the pace, pal.
So what you're saying is that we're gonna
have, number one, a spiffy-looking
hospital that number two isn't equipped to
do the job.
I beg to differ.
This canopy isn't just window dressing.
It's a valid, beneficial addition to our
hospice.
How?
And I'm not gonna like this.
Sherm, appearance equals image.
What helps our image helps the way people
see us.
I want you to think about that.
Crazier than I thought.
Damn, if this was Korea, I'd just sell that
canvas and use the money to buy the autoclave.
The war's over, Sherm.
You're not wearing green jeans anymore.
This is the real world.
And you're gonna have to make do.
The canopy opening ceremony's at 6.
Potter, I expect you to be there.
Right.
Regrets mean to go out, to go in,
to go away, or to go back.
Uh, to go back.
Correcto.
As in, I will go back to being out of a
job after I fail this test.
Max, you are good.
You make mistake only
I still love you.
Lieutenant Commander Hinkle?
Oh.
Well, all right, uh, Bob.
I'm a chaplain with the VA hospital in
River Bend, Missouri.
Father Mulcahy.
Francis.
No, uh, not Frank.
Dear sir, we are in receipt of your order
number 47305.
We are in receipt?
And we will be pleased to ship it to you.
Of your order?
As soon as
They return for my funeral.
Anyway, I'm calling about a man who,
according to his records, served under you in Korea.
Yes, a nasty business.
No, I don't think an A-bomb would have
solved the problem.
Anyway, this man, Walter Hiller, Seaman
Walter Hiller, do you by any chance recall him?
Talks about God a lot.
You do?
Uh-huh.
Oh, my.
Better get your seat early, Mr. Klinger.
Big to-do today.
Yeah.
You must be welcoming my replacement.
Ah, Mr. Klinger.
Have you cleaned your desk out yet?
Thanks for the encouragement.
My pleasure.
Oh, where are my manners?
Mr. Klinger, meet Mr. Rooney.
Hi.
You're the old clerk, right?
I love this support.
I love the support I'm getting.
Mr. Rooney is also taking the clerk's test.
You don't even wait till the body's cold,
do you?
Surely you don't mind a little
competition, Mr. Klinger.
It's the American way, strictly fair.
Let the better man win.
Fine.
Let's do it.
You ready, Jerry?
Whenever you are, Aunt Alma.
Aunt Alma?
Dr. Pfeiffer, third floor recovery room.
Dr. Pfeiffer, third floor recovery.
Mr. Logan.
Mr. Hiller seems to be out.
Have you seen him?
Hiller?
Just put a banana peel on the ground.
He'll show up.
I'm serious.
He could be in trouble now.
Think, man.
I'm sorry, Father.
I haven't seen him.
What's the problem?
Miss Cox.
Shh.
Now, talking aloud, you'll disturb the
others.
I need a new answer sheet.
Mine's ripped.
I hope you won't be much longer.
I don't want to miss the canopy opening
ceremony.
Mr. D'Angelo can cut a ribbon like no man
I've ever seen.
I'm taking my time because I want to do
good.
Well.
Well what?
You want to do well.
I know.
I just said that.
No, you said
Oh, never mind.
Just get done with it.
Fast.
How you doing, Jerry?
It's tough in, Alma.
Just relax.
Take your time.
Oh, sure.
He gets to take his time.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Nice to see you.
Cute tie.
Yes, sir.
Good afternoon.
Nice to see you.
Well, well, Mr. Mayor.
So nice you could make it to my little
ceremony.
Wouldn't miss it, D'Angelo.
This is a great day for River Bend and for
its elected leader.
I'm Murphy from the Journal.
Think I can get a statement from the man
of the hour?
Certainly.
Of course.
Howdy, Bob.
Hi, sir.
Did you see some weeding, huh?
They even got cold cuts for later.
Yeah, I can see that.
Jeez.
Time's up.
I said time's up for Mr. Klinger.
Already?
It's been five minutes.
We have rules to adhere to.
Or is that not good enough for you?
Would you like me to bend the rules?
Look the other way?
It's not the kind of jib I am.
When I say stop typing, I mean just that.
Stop typing.
Hi, Father.
Hello, Mr. Heller.
You want to shoot the breeze?
And this canopy is more than solid steel
Poles and the finest canvas money can buy.
It is a symbol of the shelter
afforded by General Hershey.
Hospital and its humble
administrator to our heroic veterans.
Let us never forget that both
Canopy and compassion begin with C.
Cow cookies.
So it is not I, Mike D'Angelo,
who should be honored here.
Rather, it is those brave men and women
who have served our country so nobly.
Those men and women whom I, Mike D'Angelo,
am doing all I possibly can to aid.
And Commander Hinkle told me that 80%
of your shipmates died in an explosion at sea.
Did he tell you that a month later a bunch
more bought it when we got shelled?
Yes, he said you felt immensely guilty for
having survived and that you began
exposing yourself needlessly to danger
during battles.
It wasn't needlessly, I had to.
You don't have to atone for the deaths of
others by dying yourself.
That wasn't your fault.
How do you know?
Does he talk to you?
Well, he talks to me.
I don't want to die.
But he
He won't leave me alone.
And I can't take it anymore.
No one fools God, Walt.
You're alive for a reason.
Yeah?
You think so?
Is that what you really think?
Tell you what.
I'll ask him.
Face to face.
You're huddled better.
Man overhead!
Let me through here.
Let me through.
God?
Just another sinner, son.
I'm alive?
Make a hole!
Thank the Lord.
For what?
I cheated him again, Father.
No.
No, you didn't.
Don't you see?
Of all the places you could have landed,
you hit the one spot that would break your fall.
A spot that up until one hour ago was
nothing but hard cement.
Oh, God is talking to you, Walt.
He's saying, I want you to live.
But why me, Father, and not all the
others?
I don't know.
But I do believe there's a reason for
everything that happens or doesn't happen, Walt.
It's called faith, and it can be a real
friend.
Is he all right?
It was an accident.
He jumped out, but he didn't mean to fall.
All these windows, he had to pick that
one.
Relax, Mike.
It's a blessing in disguise.
Guys, don't kid a kidder, Potter.
I'm not.
I can see the headlines now.
D'Angelo's canopy saves life.
Where's that reporter?
I've got to get him before the mayor does.
Don't you pass out.
We've got pictures to take.
And you thought this canopy was a waste of
money.
I have the results.
Is there a place in your desk I can keep
my gum?
Kiss my nose.
Mr. Klinger, 66.
Mr. Rooney, 70.
Knock me over with a feather.
When do I start, Aunt Alma?
Wait, there's this technical matter about
the bonus points.
Bonus?
All armed forces veterans will be
allocated five additional points.
Wait, that makes your score
I win.
I win.
You win.
Only because my nephew is an even bigger
imbecile than you are.
I can't believe it.
The army saved my bacon.
The army.
I told you this wasn't a good idea.
Yeah, that you did, Jerry.
But I had this crazy idea of trying to
help you improve yourself.
I like being a rodeo clown.
Go home, Jerry.
Go home.
Well, Miss Cox.
Well, Mr. Klinger.
Look, as long as we gotta
work together Forget it.
We're enemies in the most primitive sense.
Mongoose and cobra to the death.
My people have survived the sand,
the infidel, and the eating of lamb's eyes.
If it is to the death, Miss Cox.
Ladies first.
I'll dance at your termination, Mr. Klinger.
May I help you with your cheap coat,
Miss Cox?
Thank you.
One so seldom finds manners in a simian.
You're beautiful when you're vicious.
Have a rotten night, Mr. Klinger.
Have a rotten life, Miss Cox.
Can I drop you anywhere?
Perhaps down the elevator shaft?
No thanks, but can I throw you to your
car?
I think I'm going to enjoy this.
Don't go away.
Okay, we'll be right back.
Well, what do you think, hon?
350 big ones.
Gee, that's a lot of dead presidents.
I could just make GS4.
Does that mean another test?
Think I can pass it?
Of course, my husband.
We'll call when you pass the test.
Cars should be much cheaper by then.
Yes, very funny.
Ha, ha, ha.
Wednesday, the Whiz Kids don't know it,
but they've helped a convict escape.
And now, reporter Max Gale is caught between
some really bad criminals and One million dollars.
It's Whiz Kids Wednesday.
Now, stay tuned as Anne Murray and Willie
Nelson host a star-studded special,
the 17th Annual Country Music Association.
Awards next.