Ann Droid (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

1
KNOCKING ON DOOR
Mum?
Mum?
KNOCKING ON WINDOW
Mum!
Mum? Michael?
What are you doing here?
I need a go on Linda.
Where is she?
She's charging in the living room.
Is everything all right? Er
No. There's an Open Mic night
at the shop to support artists
doing new songs.
I put my name down
Good for you!
Well, Renee's always talking about
following your passion, pushing
past your comfort zone, how Chris is
always achieving all of his dreams.
Hello, Michael! Jesus! Well,
the thing is, my songs are shit.
They're shit and stupid.
Then you should cancel.
I'm not cancelling!
This is my dream!
Then you should follow your dream.
Look, OK, Linda, I need you
to sort me
an original composition that has
"hit" written all over it.
I can do that for you, Michael.
BLEEPS I have sorted you
out an original composition
with "hit" written all over it.
I will email you the music
and lyrics.
Wow!
Amazing! OK, I've got to get
to work! Wish me luck!
Best of luck, Michael,
pursuing the dream of a lifetime.
SUE CHUCKLES QUIETLY
I thought before we get the onions,
we could call at the British Legion.
Repetitive routines are unhealthy.
Perhaps today,
we could do something different.
Sorry, I didn't know my life
was so boring.
Yes, it is.
I was being sarcastic.
You could try Senior Puzzle Club.
Try what? Senior Puzzle Club is
where elderly can socialise
and do simple puzzles, to slow
deterioration of brain function.
Linda
if you ever take me
to Senior Puzzle Club,
I will personally pour yoghurt
into your circuits!
Understood?
You will personally pour yoghurt
into my circuits.
Understood.
Maybe we could do something
that you have never done.
OK. Well I've never gone
scuba-diving in the Maldives,
I've never flown first class
on an aeroplane,
I've never made love to anyone
apart from my husband.
But I'm 80, so the chances of any
of that happening are nil.
This question has made you angry.
Yeah, well, it was
a stupid question!
I will ask a new question.
Would you like to make love to
someone other than your husband?
God, no! I'm not a floozy!
Unlike my daughter-in-law.
Ha-ha-ha. Good one, Sue.
Hello, Phyllis, Jeffrey.
Hello, Linda.
Nice lamp. This?
This is for one of our rentals
that needs rewiring to meet
"fire safety requirements".
Honestly, we lose money
being landlords.
Why don't you stop being landlords?
Her problem solving capacity
is incredible.
That's real lateral thinking,
Linda, that.
You are welcome. We are actually
downsizing our portfolio.
We've just closed on one
of those pokey little terraces
on Portman Road
That's where I live.
Well, it's taking off,
the gays are moving in!
You're soon going to have
a cheesemonger's.
Gay people eat cheese.
We'd best be off, we haven't even
started to pack for Dorset.
Doing anything fun today?
I'll probably go shopping
and then make a casserole.
Aw
Oh, Sue, you're missing
an earring.
Oh
Oh, no! Dave bought me these
years ago in Tenerife.
Never mind, it doesn't look
a very expensive pair.
Bye, Linda.
Goodbye, Jeffrey.
Hello, Tom.
You're looking bright and summery.
We're off to the seaside Lovely!
Yeah. We're scattering
my cousin's ashes.
I'm sorry,
I didn't know he passed away.
Oh, no, Harry died nine years ago.
No, I've been meaning to get around
to this for a while.
Roxy, would you do my neck
and shoulders?
Why don't you come too?
Oh, I hadn't planned to.
I hadn't planned to neither.
Come on, Sue.
Sue, it would be healthy for you
to be in a new environment.
Linda's right,
you should get out more.
I get out all the time!
I don't mean to the shops.
Come to the seaside.
It's full of raw sewage.
Yeah, it's not French Polynesia.
Sue It took me years after
Gwen died to start doing new things.
I'd spent so much time caring
for her after she got sick
I forgot how to live.
Tom Choose an outfit, Linda,
we're going to the seaside.
Let's scatter dead Harry.
This is incredible.
Michael, come and have look at this!
Michael!
This piano is 570kg!
Michael, look!
Wow, it's so heavy.
Where would you like me
to put it, Mark?
I'll tell you where you can put it.
Put it here for now, mate.
LOUD BUMP Promise you
won't call in sick with back pain?
I promise. Although I won't promise
I won't phone in with a hangover.
FORCED LAUGH
You make jokes!
Michael, did you hear Keith's joke?
Yeah, it didn't make any sense.
No-one calls in with a hangover,
people call in sick
to hide a hangover.
Michael, can I assist you
in any way?
Doubt it. Then I will utilize
this quiet time
to clean the staff toilet.
Why, did you do a massive shit
in there this morning?
Thanks, Keith. I appreciate it.
Keith is the smartest investment
I've made in a while.
Yeah, sure, it's handy
having a walking forklift.
Keith can do way more than
heavy lifting.
He can play over 20 instruments.
26, to be precise.
I thought you were cleaning
the toilet. I've finished.
I also play all 26 instruments
to a Grade 7 level.
So what?! You have no idea about
how humans connect with music.
I mean, I remember listening
to Dark Side of the Moon
for the first time.
I remember saving up
to buy a ticket for AC/DC.
It's a language, you don't speak it.
'Sup? You all good?
Yeah, I'm looking for a cheaper
version of Hester Chambers' guitar.
Who? Hester Chambers, from
English indie rock band Wet Leg.
He only knows that
because he's a robot.
I love their surreal style.
He doesn't love anything,
he's a robot.
Look, look just because I didn't
know the name of the band,
it doesn't
Michael, let Keith do his job.
Hester Chambers plays a Hofner 173.
His hand's been in the toilet.
Yes! Thank you, Linda.
You ready, Tom?
Linda! Roxy!
Come join us.
Want to say a few words, Tom?
Oh OK. Um
Er
Harry was, er
5 foot 10.
Um
He loved Wet Wet Wet,
he had three of his albums.
Erm
Either of you want to say something?
We never met him.
5 foot 10 is a good height though.
Thank you.
Linda, have you got
any funeral speeches?
Yes.
"Do not go gentle into that
good night, old age should burn"
"and rave a close of day."
"Rage, rage against the dying
of the light"
Have you got something more upbeat?
Yes.
"Cousin Harry knew how to party."
"He had a taste for racy cars"
"And even racier women!"
Actually, Harry was gay.
He was very shy.
And he died of loneliness
Apparently, the body just shuts down
when it's not being touched.
Linda, maybe a few comforting words.
And a little light music.
Yes.
"Do not stand by my grave and weep,
"I am not there, I do not sleep,
"I am the thousand winds that blow,
"I am the diamond glints on snow.
"I am the sun on ripened grain.
"I am the gentle autumn rain.
"When you awaken
in the morning's hush,
"I am the swift uplifting rush.
"Of quiet birds in circled flight,
"I am the soft stars
that shine at night."
"Do not stand by my grave and cry."
"I am not there, I did not die."
One day you're buying
your Wet Wet Wet albums,
and before you know it,
three strangers
and their robots are scattering
your ashes over raw sewage.
Perhaps the funfair
will help elevate your mood.
That's a great idea! Carpe diem!
Well, maybe I'll make
my casserole tomorrow.
That's the spirit!
It's changed a bit.
Right, everybody,
get your laughing gear round that.
I just love funfair food!
It's actually quite nice.
Mm!
I'm thinking of taking Roxy
on the roller coaster.
I'm not getting on one of those
bloody death traps!
Not after what happened
to that Swedish woman.
She'd flown 28 hours to get
to a fun park in Florida,
gets on a roller coaster,
it derails!
Safety bar goes right through her.
Skewers her like a shish kebab.
I think I've chipped
one of my teeth.
Bled to death.
That is why you should never remove
impaled objects.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
It's a toenail!
Give it here, I'll take it back.
They might give us a free one.
Why would I want another hot dog
from them?!
Sue, you are unhappy again.
There was a toenail in my hot dog.
I'm ready for a ride. Do you want
to go on a ride, Roxy?
Yes.
Sue, is it time to go on a ride?
I can't face the queues.
The bigger the queue,
the better the ride!
Isn't that what they say, Roxy?
No. See? Come on,
let's hit the road.
Other funfair activities.
Coconut shy, ghost train,
hook-a-duck
Oh, isn't she sweet?
Michael used to love getting
his face painted when he was little.
Sue, you could get
your face painted.
No, that's for children.
Or wankers.
Sue, there is no queue
for this ride.
Fortune teller?
Dave and I went to see the fortune
teller when we were first courting.
God, that must be
over 50 years ago!
Would you like a ride
on a fortune teller?
Sue, you shouldn't meddle
with the dark arts.
My friend Lynn Bacon,
she got herself a Ouija board,
a succubus attached itself
to her aura.
I think it might be fun
All right. Give us your hot dog
and toenail, suit yourself.
Tom's right. They're bound
to give me a free ice-cream.
Come on, Linda.
Sit.
Ow! Linda, have you got
a torch or something?
FUTURISTIC SOUND
Argh! Shit, turn it off!
Linda, lights off!
Cross my palm with silver.
How much?
20 pounds for ten minutes, 50 for
20 pounds?!
Do you want communion with
the astral realm or not?
This had better be
top shelf communion
Now give me your hand.
Do you go to the optician?
I'm 80.
So, yes.
You'll be going again soon.
Sue, she is correct.
Sshh! You are a mother
of a daughter?
No.
Three sons? No.
Son and a daughter? No.
Two daughters? No.
Who's Margaret? I don't know.
Are we going to do this
for ten minutes?
I am sensing you're disappointed.
Yes, I am.
You're often disappointed,
by life.
Yeah, I guess, yeah.
You weren't always like this.
No. Just the last few years.
You used to be fun.
I am fun. But are you?
Yes, I am fun. Tell her, Linda.
Sue is fun! In what way?
Sue is fun!
Is this all part
of the 10 minutes? Yes.
That's not fair,
you're charging us by the minute!
We have been arguing
whether Sue is fun for 19 seconds.
Now 20.21
Sshh! I'm getting something.
It's a male energy.
Very dear to you.
I can see a car.
And the colour
yellow.
My Dave had a yellow Ford
when we first met.
He says he'll send you a sign.
What kind of sign?
SHOUTS: What kind of sign?
He said that's a great question,
and he needs time to think.
Is this part of the 10 minutes?
I can't make him think faster.
Doing anything fun this weekend?
I've got tickets to Hamilton.
We will probably watch Strictly,
we watch Strictly every
Sshh! He says you've lost something,
but don't worry, you'll find it.
Sue, you have lost an earring.
Where will I find it?
He says it will be
in the last place you look.
Yes, it will be in the last place
she looks.
Sshh! He says
let go of the past.
Remember the happier times,
and try new things
and open your heart
to life's wondrous possibilities.
Dave said "wondrous"?
I'm paraphrasing.
Will you tell him I'm trying?
Of course.
SHOUTS: She's trying!
Oh, my God, is that
THE Michael Bevan?
Whoo! Sign my tits!
Stop, stop
How was sound-check?
Yeah, smashed it.
I met some of the other acts.
They're
young.
Well, I just wanted to give you
a good luck charm for tonight.
Oh Thank you.
Wow, it's beautiful.
This last week,
seeing you prepare for this gig
I've never seen you this excited
and enthusiastic.
Really?
I'm proud of you, performing
your own original material.
It takes guts. Yeah, you're right.
I don't know what
I was so scared of.
I should've done this
so much sooner.
Well, you're doing it now.
You are making your dreams happen.
Chris talks a lot
about that at training.
Pursuing a career in music is a bit
harder than teaching martial arts.
Well, they're both dreams.
My dream is heaps harder
than Chris's dream.
Michael, "Holding a grudge
is like drinking poison"
"and waiting for
the other person to die."
That's is such a good quote.
Who said that?
It was Chris, wasn't it?
Well, I should practise.
OK, I'll leave you to it.
Wait, aren't you going to put it on?
Hm?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You look like Enrique Iglesias!
Who?
You look hot.
I'll be watching you!
Don't take it off!
Linda, do you believe
there's an afterlife?
The existence of an afterlife is an
issue of belief, rather than proof.
I got us free ice creams.
Don't worry,
I've checked them for toenails.
Linda, hold this.
Sue, what does ice cream taste like?
It's delicious!
So, what did the fortune teller say?
She said a lot of things.
I think I just really wanted
some sort of sign from Dave.
Yeah.
Did she say anything
about sinkholes?
She's right, Dave would want me
to keep trying new things,
and be
happy. Yeah.
What about megaviruses?
She was also correct that
you are going to the optician soon.
She say anything about
rollercoasters derailing?
Ooh! Sue, you just had
an adrenaline spike.
You are afraid of rollercoasters.
Yes.
Very. You should be.
Have you ever been on one?
God, no!
They're deathtraps.
They really are.
The odds of being injured on
a roller coaster are one in
24 million.
Wow
Sue, this would be an opportunity
to try something new.
And fun.
Tom! We're coming with you!
Boomers are pushing in.
It's all right, I saved their place.
What are you on about?
Here we go! Give over.
Thank you.
Oh
I am proud of you, Sue.
Are you having fun?
Oh
Fun mode activated.
Doesn't look like this can be
salvaged, though, does it?
Do we now scatter Roxy
on raw sewage?
No, Linda.
Do we throw her in the bin?
There is a bin over there.
Linda, shush.
I had no idea Roxy weighed so much.
Don't feel bad.
It's not your fault.
The sign said it is the robot
owner's responsibility. Linda
There were signs everywhere
Linda, mute!
What if I die like Harry did?
Roxy was the only one
who touches me.
Oh What is wrong with you?
I don't mean like that!
Well, I I could touch you.
Sometimes.
Yeah, well, maybe not.
Roxy knew exactly how I like my tea,
what time I go to bed,
what time I like to be woken up,
my favourite Strictly judge
Shirley. No! Craig!
He's brutal, but how else are
the dancers going to learn?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That was Slutguts!
Slutguts, everybody.
Ok, to close this section,
we've got
an artist you'll definitely
recognise
from the till!
One of Off The Scale's own,
Michael Bevan.
What am I doing? I can't do this,
go and start a fire in the toilets!
You're making your dreams come true.
Now go.
Michael Bevan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Thank you Thank you.
Um
It's not easy being an artist. Um
You spend most of
your time feeling like shit.
And then there's this
technology replacing us,
because it's faster and cheaper
to steal from humans.
Yeah! All right!
I believe in people.
I believe there are things
within us that cannot be mimicked,
or stolen, or learnt by algorithms
for financial gain.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I wrote this song for someone
someone very special. Er
My wife, Renee.
You are the reason I do
what I do, babe.
QUIETLY: D, D, A
STARTS PLAYING
And I want to dedicate this song
to anyone out there
creating.
This song
This song came to me in fragments.
And then the fragments came
together and they spoke to me.
Sorry. Like the
Like the memory of a dream
Where is the moment
you needed the most?
You kick up the leaves
and the magic is lost ♪
Keith, is that Bad Day
by Daniel Powter?
They tell me your passions
gone away
And I don't need to carry on
Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song
And you turn it around ♪
Look, I asked Linda for
an original song
and the stupid idiot gave me
an original song
By Daniel Powter.
Yes.
You're always banging on about
being bold and chasing your dreams.
This last week, I realised
I'm shit at this.
Do you have any idea how
soul-destroying it is to realise
that you can't do the one thing
you've always wanted to do?
No.
I'll never play Wembley. I'm never
going to have a number one album.
I'll never be good enough for you.
Wait.
So this was entirely about me?
Well, yeah.
And also me.
That is really hot.
You're not embarrassed? No.
I'm not. ROBOTIC VOICE: Here's one
I pretended to write earlier.
LAUGHTER Good one, Keith!
Eat a turd, Keith!
HAD A BAD DAY PLAYS
Woo, Keith!
Don't be so disgusting. Sorry.
He's amazing!
CHANTING: Keith, Keith, Keith!
He's amazing!
All right, love, I'll do that.
I will.
Nighty-nighty, then.
Linda, it's Michael.
Hello, Michael.
Yes.
Yes. I understand.
I am a dipshit who cannot follow
basic instructions,
and should be smelted for my metals.
Goodnight, Michael!
OK
Right, well, I'm going to bed, then.
Tom can purchase another Roxy,
the T68/700 is an affordable model.
I think he might need
a bit more time.
Humans, we get attached to things.
That's why we find it so hard
to let go.
I know it's difficult to understand
because you're never going to die.
Yes, but I will never get
to taste ice cream.
SUE CHUCKLES
Goodnight, Linda.
Goodnight, Sue.
Don't forget to take your tablets.