Archie (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
I have loved a lot of people.
And every one has broken my heart.
You're not gonna break my heart,
are you?
Probably.
SHE LAUGHS
- I've just had a call.
- Who was it?
My father.
Little Archie, all grown up.
Hello, Dad.
It's your mother I'm talking about.
What about her?
What about her?
She's still alive.
Where is she?
Fishponds Asylum.
Argh!
- You're evil!
- I did it for you!
Hello, Mother.
It's your son, Mrs Leach.
Oh, where's Archie?
Where's my little Archie?
I never thought
for one moment I'd ever meet
I never thought
for one moment I'd ever meet
a real-life movie star.
Is that what he does, that man?
He's an actor, he's called
Cary Grant, Mrs Leach.
I'll be back to turn out the light.
That's not right.
No.
Uh
Uh
Hello, Eric.
Hello, Archie.
Or should I call you Cary?
Well, that's what most people
call me.
- Thanks for coming to meet me.
- Any time.
We are family, aren't we?
After a fashion.
Yes. Well, about that.
I'd really rather my mother didn't
know that I had a half-brother.
And it follows that it would
serve no purpose at all for her
ever to lay eyes on my father again.
I understand.
I understand.
If she knew what he'd done,
I think it would probably kill her.
What'll you do?
Take her with you back to America?
Not immediately, the doctors think
the move would be too much for her.
Luckily, she doesn't
understand what's happening.
She thinks she's only been
there a couple of years.
He doesn't know
I've come here today.
He's not been too well, see.
I-I think he would like the
chance
No.
You tell him these exact words.
Our paths will cross no more.
I would like to stay
in touch with you though.
And I'd really appreciate
having someone here
to keep an eye on my mother.
You know, I'd make it worth
your while?
I don't want any money.
That's very decent of you,
old chap, but I, uh
I'll have to insist.
I'll have to insist.
What'll I tell her?
You know, when I meet her?
Oh, well, uh, just say
you're, uh, Uncle Joseph's son.
She didn't like their side of
the family,
she didn't keep in touch with
them and she'll have no idea.
Good chap.
Thanks, Eric.
You'll be hearing from me.
All set, Mum?
Mrs Leach? It's time to go.
Come on, Mum. You don't want
to stay here any longer, do you?
Where are you taking me?
To Clifton.
You always said you wanted
to live there. Do you remember?
You always said you wanted
to live there. Do you remember?
You're Cary Grant.
Not to you, Mum.
I'm just Archie.
It's okay, Elsie.
Go away.
Here we go!
I thought maybe maybe you're
feeling a bit peckish.
Tons of salt and vinegar,
just the way you used to like it.
Uh
Mm, it's hot.
Mm, it's hot.
Try one.
How's that?
Hmm.
Where's your father, Archie?
Dad?
He's, um
Dad died
a long time ago, I'm sorry.
No, I
..I thought so.
Otherwise, he'd have come
to get me, wouldn't he?
Mm-hm.
Poor man. He must have died
of a broken heart,
being separated
from his wife all those years.
Yes, I expect
that's what happened, exactly.
- And what about you?
- Me?
Why didn't you come and get me? Why?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I-I-I wanted to.
You know, every time I asked,
they said you were not ready,
you couldn't come home.
Here you go, Mother.
Come in, come in.
Now the driver will bring up
your bag in a second.
This is it. What do you think?
It's your new home, Mum.
Will you Will you live here
with me?
I I'd like to.
I have a career in America.
And And a wife.
- A wife?
- Yes. Well
in name mostly, we're not
getting on so well at the moment.
But yes.
You don't need a wife
now you've got me.
You won't be alone.
You've got help here
for as long as you need.
And I'll make sure you have
everything you want, everything.
You'll be safe here,
you'll be happy.
I mean, it is splendid, isn't it?
Cary, they're all so beautiful!
You're so generous!
Okay, next up, Yves Saint Laurent.
Oh, wow! Wow!
You are very, very beautiful.
On the inside and out,
you are a beautiful person.
Why did that sound ominous?
Well, it shouldn't.
Everything is copacetic.
What in God's name does that mean?
Uh, well
Um, well, very satisfactory.
In perfect order.
You have the most amazing taste
of anybody I've ever known.
Oh, I thank you.
Oh, I thank you.
Really. I thank my father
for my sense of style.
That's nice.
That's the first time
I've heard you mention him.
It's the only good thing
he ever gave me.
Cary, why did you buy me
a whole new wardrobe?
Ah, well now, that's
where it gets interesting.
Because, you see, England's
not known for its balmy weather
and I want to make sure
you keep warm.
England?
I have to go to London
for a meeting with the producer
I have to go to London
for a meeting with the producer
and director
of the Audrey Hepburn movie
Obviously, pay a visit to my mother.
And I, um, I wondered
if you weren't busy,
if you might come with me?
Are you kidding?
About Elsie Leach? Never.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited!
Okay!
Great.
I have to go and choose
some new outfits!
It's that one.
- Are you ready?
- Do I look okay?
Yes.
Hello?
- Oh!
- Hello, hello!
Ooh!
Mother, this is Dyan,
I told you about.
She is very important to me.
She is very important to me.
Oh, so this is the latest one,
is it?
I'm very pleased to meet you,
Mrs Leach.
Well, come in, then! Come in!
Oh, Mrs Mapley in the butcher's said
she saw you in the Doris Day film
and you were very dashing.
I haven't seen it myself.
I'm sorry, but I was saving up
to watch it with you.
Ah. Da-da!
- What's that?
- Well, it's for you.
To keep you warm.
To keep you warm.
- When?
- When you go out?
I seldom go anywhere these days.
Well
- Come on. Try it on.
- No, no.
Why don't you try it on, Betsy?
I'm not in the mood.
Her name's Dyan, Mother.
Well, I'm afraid
I can't keep track of them all.
- Here, I'll model it for you.
- Okay.
- Here.
- Oh
Oh, my God!
- What about that?
- It's amazing.
- Cary, this is beautiful.
- You keep it, then, dear.
- Cary, this is beautiful.
- You keep it, then, dear.
I shan't be getting the wear
out of it.
- I'll hang it up somewhere.
- Right.
And when the winter comes,
you'll be glad of it.
So where did he meet you,
then, Betsy?
There's a big difference
in your ages, isn't there?
I'll admit I am much younger
than your son, Mrs Leach.
But that doesn't mean
I care about him any less
or that we can't enjoy
spending time together.
Don't know what he wants to do
for lunch, I've got nothing in.
Would you excuse me
for a moment? I just
want to see if he needs any help.
What are you doing? You can't just
leave me in there with her?
What are you doing? You can't just
leave me in there with her?
It would have been a lot worse
if I was in there.
She's trying to get a reaction
out of me.
She always does it.
Honestly, you're better off
by yourself.
Go, go.
Not wanted out there either?
Is there anything I can do
for you, Elsie?
In what respect?
Well, I know about hair and make-up.
Well, I know about hair and make-up.
How about I do your hair for you
or maybe your nails?
You really are a fluttery
little thing, aren't you?
No substance.
Go on, then, you may do my nails
if it makes you happy.
Great.
London was wonderful,
it was my first visit.
Cary had movie business there.
And, of course, this is
my first visit to Bristol.
And, of course, this is
my first visit to Bristol.
It must be so good to have him
back in your life again?
Yeah.
It was very confusing at first.
Seeing him grown into a man.
So tall and so good-looking.
I thought we could be
together again,
you know, but he
he went back to America,
and he just comes over to visit
a couple of times a year.
Why don't you come over there
and live with him?
I'm sure he'd love to have you.
He's always coming up
with excuses to stop me.
He's always coming up
with excuses to stop me.
Well, I'll talk to him.
He wants to keep me
in his little mother box,
along with all his other boxes.
Sorry, this is the only colour
I had in my travel valise.
And in any case, I don't think
I'd be happy there.
People are too vulgar.
You're absolutely right.
They are terribly vulgar.
He'll never take the place
of his dad, that's for sure.
I think he realises that.
I think he realises that.
But every time he goes away,
I do miss Archie so terribly.
Each time, it's
as if I've lost him again.
- He doesn't like red.
- He'll love it because it's on you.
- No! No, dear! No!
- Hold still, I'm nearly done.
- I think they look terrific.
- I said no!
GLASS SHATTERS
I don't want you here!
I don't want you in my home!
Look what you've done to me!
You've made me look like a whore!
I don't want you here!
- Mother, let's not get overexcited!
- Get her away from me!
Get her away! I want her gone!
That was very unfair.
Dyan was in tears
when I got her back to the hotel.
She's not right for you.
Now, where have I heard that before?
Where d'you find her? Kindergarten?
Now, now, don't be spiteful.
Who the hell is ever going
to be right for me?
I can only say what I feel.
You're not a toddler,
and that's not true.
You can keep your feelings
to yourself.
I don't think you really want me
to settle down with anyone.
Oh, that's nonsense!
I just want to see a little
bit more of you, that's all.
Well, I'll I'll try
and get over more often.
She said I could come over
and live with you?
You know that's not a good idea,
the doctors say so.
The strain of the journey
and new circumstances, surroundings,
The strain of the journey
and new circumstances, surroundings,
bacteria and germs
and foreign water and
You couldn't take it. Too risky.
Sometimes you remind me
so much of your father.
I'd really appreciate it
if you didn't mention her
coming to America again.
Okay, I shouldn't have said that.
But why can't she come and live with
you?
Because when I'm around her,
I'm the boy who, who
Because when I'm around her,
I'm the boy who, who
had nothing, had everything
taken away.
And back home, I'm I'm something.
I'm Cary Grant.
The two can never mix.
She kept calling me Betsy.
- She obviously liked her?
- Oh, God, no.
She was horrible to her.
To all my ex-wives.
She just wants me to herself.
She even hated Barbara
who she never met,
because she found out
her family had owned Woolworth's
and she hadn't got a discount
voucher.
SHE LAUGHS
SHE LAUGHS
I don't know.
I can never give her her son back.
She can never give me my childhood.
We're stuck in an endless cycle
..of pain and shame.
Or she is, at least.
I've got you now.
For which I am incredibly grateful.
For which I am incredibly grateful.
So I'll make up the sofa as a bed.
No.
I want you in my bed.
With me.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
It's the right time.
PLEASURED GROANS
Why didn't you finish?
Well, why do you think?
But I told you, I'm wearing a cap.
We don't want to take any chances.
We don't want to take any chances.
I bring gifts! And exciting news!
Hey, babe!
Hey, baby! Hey, baby! Mwah!
Oh, I'm sorry!
I didn't realise you had company.
Hello, darling. This is, uh,
Dr Hartman.
Morty to his friends.
- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you.
And this is Bangs.
- You're not sick?
- No, no, no, darling.
Dr Hartman's here to, um,
supervise a therapy session.
He's my wise Mahatma.
He's my wise Mahatma.
Oh
Er, perhaps you would like
to join us, Dyan?
No, thank you.
I'm not into anything like that.
Dr Hartman, would you excuse us
for a moment?
Of course.
Do you have to do this right now?
Well, I'm sorry but
Cary, you know how I feel
about drugs.
Well, it's always a very
difficult time
Well, it's always a very
difficult time
when I come back from visiting
my mother.
I would like us to experience
things. Well, everything
together.
It's perfectly safe.
I've done it dozens of times.
Well, you know, if you're not happy,
then forget it.
It's fine.
All right, Bangs, we'll forget it.
Woof!
And what was your news?
Oh! Danny Kaye wants me
to be on his TV show.
He's offered me one of the singing
slots. Isn't that fantastic?
Singing? Are you sure?
It could lead to other things.
I'm so excited!
Oh, that's great.
Aren't you happy for me?
If it makes you happy,
then it makes me happy.
Oh, I I got ice cream.
Oh, I I got ice cream.
I should put it in the freezer.
- I can take Bangs for a bit?
- No.
CARY: I can understand,
people get scared of drugs.
Hey!
Are you coming in?
Great.
I'm nervous about this.
Sure.
It's going to be fine.
I promise you.
Better than fine.
L'chaim!
Just put it under your tongue, Dyan.
And now sit back and relax.
I can see the air.
Cary, these horses are so beautiful!
I'm just going to walk
around here for a little bit.
Ah Ah
- Ah
- Stop squeezing me!
- Oh
- I'm just walking again!
Oh
- Cary?
- Hmm?
- It's not working.
- Hmm?
Cary, it's not working!
Cary, I don't feel good.
Hmm?
I feel sick.
I don't feel good. I don't like it.
I don't like it, Cary! I'm scared!
Dyan, you can ask the universe
anything you want.
I don't like it! Make it stop!
Welcome back, sweet child.
How are you feeling?
What happened?
You were having a bad reaction,
so Dr Hartman gave you
some Secanol to bring you down.
How long have I been asleep?
Eighteen hours.
Can I get you some tea?
I feel like I've been run over
by a truck.
I am never doing that again.
From Television City in Hollywood,
it's The Danny Kaye Show.
Camera's rolling!
Five, four
Our next guest is a bright,
talented, charming young lady
making a name for herself
on stage and screen.
making a name for herself
on stage and screen.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're delighted to welcome
Miss Dyan Cannon.
# I wanted the music
# To play on forever
# Have I stayed too long
At the fair?
# I wanted the clown
To be constantly clever
# Have I stayed too long
At the fair?
# I bought me a blue ribbon
# To tie up my hair
# To tie up my hair
# But I couldn't find anybody
To care
# Merry-go-round is beginning
To slow down
# Have I stayed too long
At the fair? #
Danny thinks I should do
some cabaret dates.
Maybe even a tour. He wants to talk
to me about it tonight.
Maybe even a tour. He wants to talk
to me about it tonight.
Hey, get dressed!
Everybody'll be here soon.
Oh, this place is a Well, it used
to be a bastion of peace for me.
It's a party. It'll be fun.
Oh, yes?
What on earth are you wearing?
You don't like it?
What about all the clothes
I bought you?
Is there nothing there
that meets with your approval?
Cary, please don't sulk.
I just grabbed this outfit
without thinking.
I just grabbed this outfit
without thinking.
I'm not sulking, dear child.
I'm just perplexed
why you want to look so vulgar.
Do you have nothing to say
about how I did tonight?
In what sense?
Not one word on Danny's show.
It was a big deal for me.
And what about me doing cabaret?
Well, you did very well tonight.
But as for cabaret dates,
if we're going to be together,
I would really like
to see you from time to time.
You know, my job is not being
Cary Grant's latest girlfriend,
just sitting around
waiting for his call.
just sitting around
waiting for his call.
Asshole!
I see.
# I took my troubles down
To Madame Rue
# You know that gypsy
With the gold-capped tooth
# She's got a pad down on
34th and Vine
# Selling little bottles of
Love Potion Number 9
# I didn't know if it was day
Or night
# I didn't know if it was day
Or night
# I started kissing everything
In sight #
SHE YELPS HAPPILY
SHE SQUEALS,
THEN LAUGHS
- Do you want to cut in?
- I'm going to get some ice.
You know, Dyan
men who have difficult
relationships with their mothers
always carry it over
to the women they love.
# Love Potion Number 9. #
So I said to him,
"With one as big as that,
you ought to be in a circus!"
LAUGHTER
Okay, who's for some champagne?
Okay, who's for some champagne?
Here we go!
CHEERING
They've agreed to everything,
your fee,
to you producing it,
75% of the gross.
And after a year,
the movie belongs to you.
Yes. I don't know, Stanley.
I'm worried about it.
Audrey Hepburn
is 25 years younger than me.
Won't the audience begin to think
I'm some kind of cradle snatcher?
Did you hear what a deal
I just got you?
Did you hear what a deal
I just got you?
Yes, yes.
Hey, Dyan!
Will you tell Cary
that he's not too old
to have a relationship
with Audrey Hepburn?
Audrey Hepburn? She's older than me.
It's my screen persona, silly child.
Just just leave it.
So, it's okay to have a "silly
child" like me in real life,
but in La La Land,
it makes you look ridiculous?
I
Well, she's certainly spirited.
Well, she's certainly spirited.
I don't know why she has to make
such a show of everything.
- Oh, Cary, no, no.
- No!
Stanley, I won't have it
under my roof.
My personal life is none
of anyone else's business.
Surely even you understand that?
"Even me"? So I'm dumb, am I?
A little scatterbrain
with no point of view?
That's not what I meant.
I'm saying Cary Grant
is a character that I have created.
I have to be very careful
about how he's perceived.
If it's not what you meant,
then why did you say it?
- You obviously feel it.
- Oh, God!
Another fucking argument
about nothing!
Do you live to goad
and infuriate me?
Because it's all about you,
isn't it?
Cary Grant. Well, you're him
and he's you.
If you don't understand
the hypocrisy in your position,
If you don't understand
the hypocrisy in your position,
then clearly you're the dumb one
in this relationship!
I'm going to talk to my business
partner. You stay here.
Stay away from us!
Your life is so sad.
Is that so?
Look at all of these invitations
in the mail.
All of the names in your address
book.
And who do you spend your time with?
Stanley Fox.
What? You're worried
Stanley's going to hear me?
Yes, I bloody am! It's rude.
When did you get to be so insolent?
When did you get to be such a jerk?
Everything's a fucking
confrontation with you!
You mistake a different point
of view for a confrontation.
You mistake a different point
of view for a confrontation.
Yes, I am young, which means
I want to have some fun!
I want to go out and play!
I am so bored of living up
on this hill and doing nothing!
Will you shut the fuck up?
GLASS SHATTERS
- I'm done. I'm leaving.
- Good!
And you can take
that fucking rat with you!
Oh, fuck off!
- Mr Grant?
- I'm fine! So
I'm fine. Thank you, Mae.
So, how's Dyan?
Yes, of course you know her name
now, don't you?
We're not together any more.
She left me.
Oh, the cheek of it!
Oh, the cheek of it!
She's uncontrollable, that one.
That's for sure.
So, who are you with now?
Nobody.
Just me.
Anyway, it's nice that you
came to see me.
Well, I had a script conference
anyway
for a new movie I'm doing
so
Got to have an excuse to visit me?
Mum, I'm tired, I'm jet-lagged.
Let's please not have
an argument, all right?
I don't think
I really want to do it any more.
I don't think
I really want to do it any more.
Nobody wants to see an old man
in his 60s up on the screen.
Young people don't know who I am,
I'm just some old geezer
with a weird accent.
Well, if you are thinking
of giving up your career, you
you've no need to stay
out there in America, have you?
Why don't you come over here
and live with me, mm?
- Mm-hm.
- Well, why not?
I'm lonely and I imagine
you are too now.
Yeah. You know, I might
just take you up on that.
Yeah. You know, I might
just take you up on that.
But first, I'm going to take you
for some fish and chips.
- Oh, you spoil me!
- I'm starving.
Oh, lovely!
Exit music, please. And
- One, two, three
- I can't dance any more!
And action!
And action!
I don't bite, you know.
Unless it's called for.
How would you like a spanking?
How would you like a punch
on the nose?
Stop treating me like a child!
Then stop behaving like one.
If you want to tell me
what's troubling you, fine.
If not, it's late, I'm tired
and I want to go home to bed.
Do you know what's wrong with you?
No. What?
Nothing.
And cut!
Yeah, I think it really works.
Audrey's the aggressor here,
she's the one hitting on you.
Happy?
Jumping for joy.
BELL RINGS
It doesn't sound
like you're over this girl.
Well, I mean, it's over.
I mean, it's done and dusted really.
Then why are you still
talking about her?
You say you don't want her
and she clearly doesn't want you.
You say you don't want her
and she clearly doesn't want you.
So that's it, isn't it?
I mean, I'm too old for her.
And, anyway, she's too young for me,
that's for sure.
Cary, darling, I don't want
to be rude,
but you are in danger
of being boring.
Ah
Forget her. Move on.
It's not like there aren't
plenty of other opportunities
out there for you.
You're right. Thank you.
You're right.
Okay, guys. Can we have you back
on set?
Yeah.
TELEPHONE RINGS
- Hello, Mother dear.
- 'Hello, Cary.'
'How is it over there?'
Did Archie get the photos
I sent you?
Yes, he did.
Yes, he did.
'I had them taken specially.
'I'm a young old mother,
don't you think, dear?'
- Oh, you look lovely.
- 'Yeah, well'
I took your suggestion and I went
to look at the most wonderful house.
'Your cousin Eric came with me.
It's five bedrooms, Westbury Park.'
I think it would be perfect for us.
Well, that's great.
Well, that's great.
Maybe I should buy it?
Archie, you make me so happy.
So, when do you think
you'll come home to me, my love?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe soon.
Well, as long as it's what you want.
- Hmm.
- 'That's my only concern.'
Oh, someone's at the door, Mother.
I have to go.
You keep well.
- Don't do this, Dyan.
- 'I can't No, please.'
- I love you and
- 'No, Cary'
..I know you love me.
'They're just words, Cary.
They're very easy to say.
'Please don't call me any more.'
SHE HANGS UP
But
Did you
Did you like it?
I loved him in that.
I thought he was so cool.
No way. I got
Oh, my God.
Go, go and see what he wants.
- Dyan? Go!
- Oh
Hi. Hi.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I I have to ask you a question.
And it couldn't wait?
No.
- Can we just, uh
- No!
What do you want to know?
Will you marry me?
That's how you ask me?
You behaved like a pig and now
Why? What's changed?
Because
..my life doesn't make
any sense without you.
Because you're you're everything.
You're perfect.
Because
And I behaved badly because I
I was so scared of how much
I need you.
I was so scared of how much
I need you.
How much I love you.
Do you want me to go down
on one knee?
- No, no. I No.
- No?
No.
- Oh! No. Yes!
- Yes?
SHE LAUGHS
- No!
- What are you saying?
Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes!
- Really?
- Yes.
Oh, my God!
Hmm!
She said yes!
I love you.
I love you too.
- Good morning, Cary Grant.
- Ah, Dyan Cannon!
As I live and breathe!
Hey, these are really good.
- Where did you find that?
- In your drawer.
I woke up feeling starved.
So, you looked in my drawer?
It's probably not the most
recommended breakfast food
by nutritionists.
by nutritionists.
It is good. They're very hard
to come by.
I had them imported.
- You don't mind, do you?
- No. Of course not.
This is perfect.
I'm so happy.
Ah!
Me too. Perfect.
"Dearest Mother,
the reason for my letter
"Dearest Mother,
the reason for my letter
is I have some wonderful news.
I have proposed to Dyan
and we are soon to be wed.
We look forward to seeing you again
soon as a happily married couple.
Your loving son, Archie."
Hello, Elsie! It's just me, Eric.
Are you all right, love?
I want you to go.
Archie told me to look in on you.
Archie told me to look in on you.
Go on, get out.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Get out! Now!
And tell him he's making
the biggest mistake of his life!
No, I don't like it.
Well, tell them to look again.
Well, tell them it has to be done,
it's not a choice.
Don't run, please!
Don't run, please!
- It buzzes me up.
- "Hi, Dyan."
Shh!
Yes. All right, well,
just tell him it has to.
Then that'll be fine.
Okay, bye-bye.
Yes?
Oh!
"Oh, you've brought me a treat,
how thoughtful."
Wonderful! Thank you so much,
my dear child.
Ah!
Mmm!
I love plastic cheese!
Mmm!
Cary, if I ask you a question,
will you give me an honest answer?
Of course.
Have you had a change of heart?
Why would you ask that?
When I'm with you, it's like half
the time, you're not even there.
And when you are,
you criticise me non-stop.
And when you are,
you criticise me non-stop.
"Don't slam the door.
Always use a coaster.
Close your mouth
when you're relaxing it."
And then just now, I was excited to
see you, for God's sake.
What's your point?
My point is, if something's
bothering either one of us,
we should be able to talk
about it with each other.
That's the kind of marriage I want.
And I hope you do too.
Do you still want to marry me?
Look
I'm sorry.
It's nothing to do with you,
it's work.
I've been having trouble
deciding on my next project.
I I'm finding it
increasingly I
I don't know who
I'm supposed to be out there.
Okay. So everything's okay
between us?
Okay. So everything's okay
between us?
Yes, of course, everything's fine.
We're great.
I needed to hear that.
Today of all days.
I have something for you.
Oh, okay.
You're gonna be a father.