Asterix & Obelix: The Big Fight (2025) s01e03 Episode Script

Yabadadi!
Panono, Panini, Panonino, Panini
The new adventures
of Panono, the nice druid.
Hello, Panono. How are you doing today?
I'm doing very well,
big yellow man floating in the air.
But where is Mrs Tree?
Oh, I don't know.
-Let us call Mrs Tree.
-Oh, yes!
Mrs Tree, Mrs Tree!
Oh!
Oh! But this isn't Mrs Tree!
No, this is Oink-Oink.
Hello, Oink-Oink. How are you?
Oh, yes, but you know what ducks are like.
Have you seen Mrs Tree?
What?
She is sad
and she doesn't want to see anyone?
Oh, what can we do?
Good idea, Oink-Oink!
Let's call to her and sing her a song!
Mrs Tree, all is well
Come and sing with all of your friends
We feel good, it is sunny and warm
We feel glad in the land of Panono
Woohoo!
Mrs. Tree, all is well
Come and sing with all of your friends
We feel good It is sunny and warm
We feel glad in the land of Panono
Woohoo!
Mrs Tree
-He doesn't look any better.
-Mmm. No.
And, er, it's not a great idea
to stare at the sun
for a long time like that, is it?
Well, it's safe enough.
ASTÉRIX & OBÉLIX: THE BIG FIGH
Panono…
Da-da-dum
Maybe he had a heavy lunch today.
What? Like a menhir, for example?
They're not heavy.
Right then, let's let him rest.
The situation is grave.
Getafix is still unconscious
and our reserves of magic potion
have run dry.
But do not worry.
As soon as he's well again,
he'll brew some more,
and we'll once again be invincible!
Well, there's no hurry.
It's not like
we're in any immediate danger.
Hmm? What's that?
Cassius Ceramix.
Always wanting a piece of the action.
Grew up a nasty piece of work.
Yeah. Those Gallo-Romans have
a habit of causing trouble.
And a leopard can't change its spots.
Still a dump here, I see.
-Ave!
-Hello.
Vitalstatistix,
I challenge you to the Big Fight.
And by our law,
the winner shall be made chief
of the loser's tribe.
I know the rules, Cassius Ceramix.
Haven't Gauls got better things to do
than fight each other?
I am Gallo-Roman.
Hmm! You're an appeaser.
No, I'd rather say "a peacemaker", hmm?
But enough of the chat! The fight will
take place at the next full moon.
At the next full moon?
But it's not long, it's…
Exactly.
So then, ave!
I turn my back on you, future loser.
Me, not you!
We go round in a circle if we all do it.
-Hello, everyone.
-Huh?
Getafix! Is he all right? But… Getafix!
Well, tell me, Bob.
What's with the outfit? Do you think
you're the Great Lizard or what?
Turn around, quickly!
Us or you?
Don't get clever with me,
or I'll have you! Hup, hup, hup!
Getafix, how are you? You feeling okay?
Not well, Kimberly.
The FTSE is down 100 points today.
-What?
-This is not good.
-A hundred points is a lot.
-Mmm.
Obelix, go to the druid's hut.
Take a pot
and any ingredients you can find.
We need to know if our druid
can still make the magic potion.
No, no, no, no.
We simply have to make
the parking area bigger.
There, we cut more trees down.
We've cut down so many though.
I know, madam.
But there are horses, cattle,
Hannibal's coming now,
so there'll be elephants too!
Where are they all gonna go?
We've been cutting trees down,
so these animals can have space…
Oh, wow!
But do we really need to build all this
when it's only gonna be two guys fighting?
No, Potus,
it is not just two guys fighting.
It is Caesar's triumph,
and we have to welcome him accordingly.
Huh? Caesar's here?
No, but he's arriving tonight.
Wait a sec. Caesar Caesar?
Er, yeah.
-Tonight tonight?
-Or tomorrow.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy.
Show me the lodge for Cleopatra.
Cleopatra Cleopatra?
Potus! Can we talk for a sec?
We have a big issue.
What? No "Ave" any more?
The druid's alive!
Huh? Impossible.
-He was squashed by his own menhir.
-He was not squashed at all!
He's in the village,
having a laugh, in great shape.
Ah, bummerus.
Well, I'll handle it.
You go back to training.
Huh? I'm going back home.
I didn't become a Gallo-Roman
to be on the losers' team.
Good. So tell me. What do I do?
Well… put the ingredients in the pot
and prepare some magic potion.
Whoa, keep your hair on.
I'm going to do it.
How feisty she is!
A bit of this, there.
And strawberry. Ah!
-There we are…
-Looks like he remembers the rec…
Woohoo! Again, guys?
-Oh, that was so much fun.
-We're gonna need another pot.
What are they doing?
No!
Ow, ouch! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Ow!
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
This one didn't go "boom".
Well, then, it might be the right one.
I'll taste it.
It could be 'cause of my menhir…
No, Obelix.
Ow.
Even when it's not magic potion, still no!
-I am your chief. I'll try it.
-Ow!
Yes, but if you go "boom",
Cassius Ceramix will be our chief
without having to fight.
-No. What we need to taste it is…
-Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
That.
Ah!
Ow.
Ah, thanks, guys. It's hot in here.
-Mmm. Come on then.
-Is that you, Omnibus?
-No.
-Is that you, Lastofus?
-No.
-Sidvicius?
-No.
-Monotonus?
-No.
-Beetlejus?
Still wrong. I'm Obelix.
And the dog is Dogmatix.
Your names don't end in "us"?
-No. Have a guess where you are.
-Oh, no!
Take the pot off your head.
No, I know who you are.
You're gonna hit me.
At least I'm protected in here.
Get out or I'll get you out!
I knew you'd hit me. You can't be trusted.
No, we're just gonna give you
some soup, and that's all.
That's all?
That's all.
Here, try, it's good.
Ah.
Give my compliments to the chef, yeah?
I won't bother you much longer.
I imagine you're all rather busy.
I'm gonna get going.
Er?
What have you done to me?!
No, still not right.
Oh, he's turned green!
How did you do that?
Now, look, don't worry, Roman.
We'll sort it out.
-Mm-mmm.
-Mmm.
-Mmm?
-Mmm.
BY JUPITER, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!
Huh?
Hmm…
-Hmm?
-Er…
Er, I'm here.
-Here, here.
-Yeah. There.
Oh, no, no, no.
I really like it.
Hmm. Those colours are nice.
Stop it!
I just want my skin how it was before,
with my young girl's complexion!
Okay, one last try
and we'll leave you alone. Hmm?
Huh? Oh!
I've got my complexion back!
Like a peach.
Oh, maybe it's the magic potion.
Yeah. How do you feel, Roman?
Great. Yeah, great.
I feel so light.
Very light.
Er, he's flying. He's flying away!
-Well, catch him then!
-I'm flying away!
At last!
So, er, I've got bad news.
The druid's alive.
What?
Really? You saw him then?
Yeah, but there's good news.
He's nuts, completely crazy.
He can't remember
how to make the magic potion.
He makes potions to change colour and fly.
Are you sure?
Well, look at me! What do you think?
Excellent!
Victory will be mine.
What's taking him so long?
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm here. Just warming up.
Chop chop!
One, two, one, come on!
Give it more! That's pathetic!
What is this? Get down, now!
-Huh?
-Get off that shield now, by Taranis!
Your bearers don't fight.
It'll just be you!
One, two, one, two, come on!
Knees higher, come on!
Concentrate on your balance!
One, two, one, two, come on!
So slow.
Yeah. A bit lacklustre.
Come on, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
To think he's the only one
that could find a potion to cure him.
Well, you know,
potions can't fix everything.
Yeah. But hang on.
Didn't you once mention that a friend
of Getafix's cures people without potions?
Oh, yeah! Apothika!
Oh, no, not that awful quack again, no!
Yes! Our druid had an injury to the head,
and she is a doctor of the head.
Quick, do some cardio.
Apothika lives a few hours walk
from our village. So let's go!
Chief, your wife is right.
We need Apothika.
And you can tell her
about your eating disorder
while you're there.
Pidiped, I do not have an eating disorder.
So there.
Now if you don't mind,
I really must be on my way.
I have a village to save.
-All right. You go, Obelix.
-What?
Yes, chief!
Er, if anyone should go,
it really should be me.
-Because I'm normally… the one who goes.
-Yeah, but this time ain't normal.
-'Cause the chief chose me to go.
-Yeah.
I prefer you to stay here…
…with us, Asterix.
But it might be a bit
too much responsibility for Obelix, no?
No, no. I'll be okay, thank you.
-You'll be okay?
-More than okay.
The chief said go alone, I don't need you.
Maybe 'cause when you're on your own,
you've a habit of throwing
menhirs at people.
Oh, really, do I?
It'd be better I went instead.
It strikes me that you want to be
the only hero in this story.
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
-No, but no. But no.
-Yeah, but yeah. No.
-No, you, no!
-You, no!
-Me, yeah. You, no.
-Me, you? Me, yeah.
-Me, yeah!
-Me, yeah!
-Me, yeah! You, no.
-Hey, you!
You two give me such a headache.
You shall both go! Your chief has spoken.
Hmm!
Work on your core!
Dig deep now! Come on, come on!
And one!
Lunch break?
Come on, try to hit me! Too slow!
Come on!
-We are looking strong.
-Yep.
I normally see the amphora half-empty,
but this time it doesn't look too…
…bad.
This is pathetic! Where's your right hook?
Where's your guard?
That lad is a savage brute.
He will pulverize you!
Let's go again.
Tomorrow?
There's only today!
There is no tomorrow!
There is no tomorrow!
I'm wondering if bats are edible.
Seriously, Obelix? We're here to find
the woman who'll cure our druid.
We're not here to eat bats.
Which sounds like a terrible idea anyhow.
Mmm.
Hmm?
Hmm?
Huh?
He thinks he's a wild boar.
This Gaul's crazy!
That's a good sign. We must be nearby.
He's made me hungry.
-Hmm?
-Hmm.
Enter, if you please.
-You may sit down.
-Hmm?
Please forgive my accent.
I'm a Goth.
Uh, the…
The guy we saw just now,
does he still think that he's a wild boar?
Why, of course.
I taught him how to behave.
It's less obvious.
Ah.
So, what brings you to me?
-Getafix is very ill…
-Our chief asked me to come…
Er, forgive me, would you, bitte?
One of you speak.
Yes, of course. Your friend Getafix
is sick and we're out of magic potion…
-Asterix takes over, again.
-Obelix, we're running out of time.
No, no, carry on.
I'm the one who our chief sent,
but this keeps on happening.
He always talks for both of us!
He's okay with it when I finish
his sentences during a speech.
"Asterix can talk for the both of us",
when it suits you.
Come, Obelix,
let's not row in front of her.
Apothika, your old friend Getafix
has lost his wits, because Obelix threw…
There we are, as usual.
It's always the same,
always because of Obelix.
Since I was a boy,
when I fell in the magic potion.
-Look, it's 'cause of you we're here, no?
-Asterix.
You really must stop
reproaching him like this.
-I don't always reproach him like this.
-You do!
It stops you communicating.
You see, Asterix?
You stop us communicating.
Okay, okay, you're right.
Sorry I have a view.
Hmm. Ja.
I know what this situation calls for.
-You are now Asterix.
-No, I'm Obelix, and he's Asterix.
Pretend. It's a role play.
-It's a game.
-Ah. All right.
Describe yourself as if you're Asterix.
As if I were, er…
All right, here goes.
I am Asterix.
I'm the smartest warrior in the village.
I am just so perfect.
I don't eat much,
unlike Obelix who gobbles it down.
-Hmm. Interesting. Continue.
-No, no, no. Not interesting at all.
We'll stop now. Apothika!
We're here for one reason, and that's all.
Asterix, oh, the "reason".
But what is reasonable?
Because you see, it could be
that losing control is reasonable.
Losing control?
I would adore that.
I would love to lose control.
I'd love to be carefree
and wonder if one could eat bats.
Oh, yeah. But I can't do that. Oh, no.
Because who plays bad cop
in this story? It's me!
Yours trulix. Oh, yeah!
It's Asterix who says, "Careful".
Asterix who finds solutions.
Asterix who says "Let's go".
Asterix who does it all.
Because if Asterix isn't here,
nothing happens, ever! Nothing at all!
Gut. So now how do you feel?
Better!
Hmm.
I really do. Yeah.
Apothika, Getafix really needs you.
We all really need you.
Das freut mich sehr, Obelix.
Okay.
Are we going now? Or what?
Metadata? Deary me.
Deary, deary me! Metadata!
-So tell me, what was your village like?
-Ugly.
-No columns, no aqueducts, thatched roofs.
-Ah.
-So it was authentic.
-Ugly.
Metadata, Caesar's arrived.
There's a crowd and lots of horses.
Loads of 'em. It's gonna be tight.
I did tell you we had to cut down
more trees. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Er, Caesar Caesar?
Oof!
Oh, just leave me alone.
Fifteen days to get here,
and the plebs can't cook pasta.
Such a very thoughtful birthday gift.
Ave, Caesar. Good day, madam.
-Yes, yes, hello.
-Was your journey good?
We got held up in Lugdunum,
but on the whole it went extremely well.
Ave, Caesar!
And so, this is our champion,
Cassius Ceramix.
You look taller than you do on coins.
And so,
how is this fight looking now, Insta?
My name's Metadata.
Er, good, very good.
Mmm.
Are you about to succeed
where the best of men
have failed before you?
Ugh, that's hardly a surprise.
I always wanted a daughter.
I had to change the colour
of the mosaic in your nursery.
Took me three weeks!
All right then, Simon.
Why don't you come to the salon
for a blow-dry next week,
and I'll see what I can do.
Oh mensch, was ist passiert?
Getafix, are you in there?
It's Apothika, your very good friend.
Geto? Erinnerst du dich mein, Geto?
Oh, Gott. Interessant.
Nach gut. So how did he lose his reason?
Er, he was hit by a menhir, like that.
Obelix, what have you done?!
She… She wanted to know! I showed her.
-Yeah, but not like that.
-Oh.
Get her out!
Apothika, you okay?
Quack, quack.
Look, there's nothing wrong
with her, is there?
ASTERIX & OBELIX: THE BIG FIGH