Camping (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
COCKEREL CROWS
MUFFLED BREATHING
Oh, my God.
How am I doing, baby?
Hm?
Do you want to gofaster?
I can go faster.
Or, I can go slower?
I'm good with slower.
You know, someone once told me,
he said,
like, do the alphabet
when you're doing this?
Where, uh, where are you up to?
E. The letter E.
I could do it like lower case
if you want - I'm doing upper case
at the moment, but it might
give it a bit more of a curve?
Do you mind if we just leave it?
Huh?
Oh, baby
Is this Is this because of
the mix-up with the ring?
Because, I mean
we can totally discuss the whole
marriage thing if you want to.
I'm just
I'm just not in the mood.
Baby
I'm in the mood
I'm in the mood.
Hm? It's so good down there.
It's just so
It's, like, so smooth,
and, like, lean
It's like a goddamn burger bun.
I mean, with Anne it was like more
Gorillas In The Mist, you know?
I mean, it was just I don't want
to think about Anne's vagina.
I don't want to think about
Anne's vagina either, I don't
I want to think about your vagina.
I want to look at your vagina.
I'm going to look at your vagina.
Oh, my God!
I'm looking at your vagina!
Hi!
BANJO MUSIC PLAYS
Lovely day for it.
-Oh, yes, hi.
-Morning.
I know you wanted the hog
for Robin's birthday.
Did you also want
the trotter platter?
-Oh.
-No, thank you.
Yeah, that Well.
I could do you a a starter
trotter platter today, if you like,
so you can, uh
HE STUTTERS
-..dip your toe in.
-Hah!
I could also throw in
-my sausage sampler. ALL:
-Ooh.
-Yum.
-What's that, Noel?
Well, it's a selection of
of self-stuffed sausages
Wow How do they stuff themselves?
-No, I mean I I stuff them.
-Right.
Um, with some secret flavourings,
which I think everybody
may find rather interesting,
developed bymy mother,
who, in fact, used to make the
sausages, until
LOW GRUN
..she she lost the uuse
-of her hands.
-Oh
-Alas.
-I'm sorry to hear that.
Thank you.
-Soyou'd like the platter?
-Mm,
-sounds yum, I think.
-No, thank you.
Well, I'll I'll bring it anyway.
Um, have a good day.
-Thank you.
-Keep it real, now.
He's clearly had an amazing journey.
Oh! Actually,
I've got a little early birthday
-surprise for Robinio here.
-No.
Oh, sorry, no, sorry
Sorry, I don't want to be
a party pooper,
but we're not doing that
until the Sunday -
tomorrow, in fact.
Oh, we're doing it now.
-It's just a card.
-Come on.
It's just a card,
let's see what it says.
And the winner is
Oh, my goodness!
It's a fishing trip,
for this afternoon!
Aw, thank you.
-Pleasure.
-That's just absolutely
Yeah, that's absolutely impossible,
I'm afraid, because we're going to
-Monkey World.
-Yeah, but we haven't
bought tickets or anything, have we?
And this is This is for today.
Yeah, exactly. You know what,
it'll be fun, Fee. Come on.
Plus, you know, with the catch,
I could cook one of
my world-famous gumbos.
TENT UNZIPS
Hey.
Hey, I got a little something
-for you.
-Yeah?
I've got a big something
for you, huh?
IN TEXAN ACCENT: Rodeo,
how long can he stay on?
What the hell is this?
It's a present.
What have you done?
I got you a present.
Look at you.
Wow
-You really got them!
-Yeah
Do you like them?I
bloody love them.
I thought maybe you could
wear them today.
Yeah, I c I could, I
I wonder, though, ac
They're antiques.
I don't want to damage them.
They're really old,
I mean, God, they're Yeah.
This gusset's, like,
really super stained, too.
Oh, yeah, OK. Yeah, that's pretty
That's pretty brown.
So you're going then, are you?
Well
it's a birthday present,
my darling, my hands are tied.
Well, thank you very much, Robin.
-For what?
-Giving me
this bloody migraine.
If you'd stuck to the schedule
this would not be happening.
Where are my bloody tablets?
What are you doing?!
Shh, shh, shh, shh Robin!
No, no, it's acupressure.
Fay was showing us.
Well, perhaps she could show you
how to bugger off!
What's the matter with you?
It's pressure points
You're just bumping away at me
like some humpback whale.
-HE WHISPERS:
-Sorry
Go on, shoo. Get off.
OK, OK.
Won't you ride the wind
and go, white seabird
Ride the wind
and go, mollymawk ♪
Oooh, very smart OK, that's cool.
We've got sexy captain.
Ooh, thank you,
officer and a gentleman.
You look like a Russian sailor.
You've got
a really weird-shaped head.
I've just got lots of hair, Fay.
Oh, right. Sorry, I thought you had,
like, water on the brain
or something. Elephant man.
OK, so
-I have bought some beers.
-Ooh.
No, we're fine, thank you, Fay.
Cheers, Fay.
-And some of these!
-Oh, thank you.
Isn't she amazing?
You amaze me.
Jesus. Is that?
What is that, for your That's to
keep your hernia in, is it?
Nah, hernia's gone, man.
Popped back in like a mole's head.
It's all good in the hood.
Where's my cap, babe?
Oh, God. We're not going.
Aren't we?
No, God no. I hate fish.
-Really?Yeahdisgusting.
-OK.
Um, we're going to stay here, guys,
-I think.
-Mm-hm.
-Mummy, are you coming?
-No.
Here you go.
What's this, Fee?
It's a print out of all the
drownings over the last five years.
No, I'm good, thanks.
How's your migraine, love?
It's dreadful, thank you.
Oh, Fee, big hugs.
I know how you struggle
with your miggies.
Do you know what, masturbation's
amazing for relieving headaches.
-Ooh. When do I start?
-Hah!
Don't be disgusting, Robin!
-Enjoy, guys.
-Right, yes, yes.
-All aboard, skipper.
-Yeah.
Enjoy the Sound of Music, mate.
Yeah, thanks a lot.
I hope not to bump into any Nazis.
What's Nazis?
Ah, they were just some guys.
MORRIS DANCERS' BELLS JINGLE
Are you OK, babe?
Yeah, never better.
Um, I was wondering, maybe Maybe
I should get changed somewhere
-or something.
-What?
No, you look amazing.
We should go somewhere
-and get wasted.
-OK.
I mean, I could get changed,
and then we get wasted.
THEY KISS LOUDLY
HEAVY BREATHING
MUFFLED: Stop, stop,
I'm going to come
You're amazing.
God.
I am so glad we're not fishing.
God
gone fishing, stay fishing.
God, I love booze.
Just boozing and woozing,
in the middle of the day?
There's nothing like it.
I just want to take some drugs.
Yeah!
Yeah, let's do some drugs
Yeah?
-Like, later, yeah.
-Like, now.
-Now?
-Yeah.
No, it's just I'm
I'm feeling pretty spazzocked
from the old tequilas Well
But, er
..let's get more spazzocked.
You want to turn it up a notch?
Mm-hmm.
Let's take it up a notch.
Right, time for the beverage.
Here we go, cheers!
Cheers, Archie!
Ahoy there, shipmates!
-All having fun on this side?
-Yeah
You caught any?
-What?
-You caught any?
Caught what?
Er, caught any fish yet?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I've caught some fish, I just
chucked them all back.
Oh, right, OK. You tossed them
-over the side.
-That's right.
Jolly good. Well, we're doing
rather well - not a competition!
Over and out.
WHISPERS: We're beating them!
I've got some
tea
and ginger biscuits.
-Ginger helps seasickness.
-It's not
the sea that's making me sick.
It's just, it's a bit tight,
actually, could you?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Why bring it if you can't open it?
Fucking hell
Actually, I think my I think
my milk's gone off, actually.
Oh, that's a surprise. It's not
the only thing that's gone off.
Fucking curdled. Fucking stinks.
MUSIC: Like I Love You
by Justin Timberlake
If it's up to me
your face will change
If you're smiling
that should set the tone
Just be limber ♪
All right?
I like that little dress
you've got on.
It's a skirt, actually.
Your skin is, like,
CGI or some shit.
Cheers.
You're a good girl and that's
what makes me trust you
Hey!
Late at night, I talk to you
You will know the difference
when I touch you
People are so phony
Nosy cos they're lonely
Aren't you sick of
the same thing?
They say so and so was dating
Love you or they're hating
Man, it doesn't matter anyway
Because we're here tonight
If you're smiling
that should set the tone
Just be limber, baby
And if you let go, the music
should groove your bones
Baby, just remember
Sing this song with me
Ain't nobody love you
like I love you
You're a good girl
and that's what makes me trust you
Hey!
Late at night I talk to you. ♪
MUMBLES: I'm sorry to disturb.
-You good?
-I'm just trying to
get to the
Do you want a drink?
-GIGGLING:
-Yes, please.
So, what you having?
Let's get some slammers.
Ah, girl from out of town,
interested in some slammers?
Rosie-lee, can we get
some slammers, please?
More tequila, need tequila,
need tequila
TOGETHER: Tequila, tequila, tequila!
Wind your body, yes. Hey
What you doing?
Hi, guys. Hey.
What are we doing? A bit of sambuca?
Can I help you?
Nuh, no, no, was just
Just, uh
making contact with my lady.
-Your lady.
-Sorry,
this is a friend of mine, Tom.
-I'm Tom, nice to see you.Tom.
-I'm a
bit more than a friend, bit of a
-MUMBLING:
-I'm Biggs, this is Dazza.
St Bi
Spazza? Darren, nice to meet you.
Dazza.
Well, look, it's, um I mean
it's It's only the afternoon,
but the sun's over the yardarm
as far as I'm concerned -
let's get them in. OK.
Hm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So, guys, um, we were wondering
do you have any
Any stuff?
We've got a little bit of stuff.
Great, great, great.
And whatwhat do you have,
stuff-wise?
Blue cheese, whizz
I've got some tinas Gosh.
Well, I mean, I think
I think we just fancy some E,
actually, if that's Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
How much you want? Do you
want a G, even half a G?
-Two Gs?
-Look, the Gs sound great,
but I think we just want the Es.
Um, how many Es do we want, darling?
Do we want a half-dozen? Dozen?
Baker's dozen? Baker's dozen!
Make it a baker's.
Do you want some brown?
-Er, no.
-She wants some brown.
No, thank you, no brown needed here.
There's no need for brown,
no need for brown.
Are you racist?
-Hm?
-Are you racist?
No, sorry, I thought he meant
-heroin.
-No.
Has he got a problem with
a black man's face?
No, no, no, no, I love the
-the black man's face.
-Yeah?
Yeah, absolutely, and
Do you know, to be honest
I'm actually quite relieved
to see
..one. You.
Because I was saying, wasn't I,
it's actually, predominantly
quite a white area, isn't it,
all a bit Jane Austen.
And I know she lived around
here, actually.
Certainly for a portion of her life.
Sounds like a bitch.
Well, she's She's dead now.
She wrote Persuasion.
So, you want some Es?
-Yeah.
-OK.
Northanger Abbey
is a terrific primer
if you really want to get
involved
-Not you, Heidi.
-Right.
DOOR CLOSES
THUNDER CLAPS
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, Fiona, what
a lovely surprise.
I wa Iwas just working
on your
trotter platter.
Um actually, I have, um
a terrible migraine.
I wondered if you had
any painkillers?
Only Mother's, which are
somewhat nuclear.
Would you like some, uhquiche?
I I was just
having a nibble,
while Mummy snoozes
Umdon't worry, then. OK, thanks.
It's quite eggy.
MUSIC ON JUKEBOX: Uptown Funk
ft. Bruno Mars by Mark Ronson
PHONE BEEPS
PHONE BEEPS
MAN'S VOICE:
You're feeling amazing
fresh
beautiful
ready to tackle the day.
Wow
You are a powerful, happy person.
You've never been happier.
Wow.
Feels good.
LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
SKATERS JEER
-Come on!
-What's this?
Come on, mate!
OK, no, thank you.
I've got IBS!
Oi, why'd you let her put him
in this?
-He looks like a dick.
-Oh.
Come on, let's take it off. Oh!
-How's, that?I can breathe.
-Right?
Come on, why don't we
just chuck this
Oh, no, no, no!..over the side?
Mummy will be very cross.
He said it was nice breathing
-earlier.
-Mummy will be very cross.
-Fun's fun.
-Right, well,
we couldn't possibly do that.
No, it's medicinal.
It's not a fashion statement.
You want your son to look like
a prick, do you..?No!
He doesn't look like a
Don't be such a pussy, hoy it in!
I'm not being a pussy.
We're meant to be having fun!
Have some fun with it.
I'm prepared to dangle it over the
-side.Let's dangle it.
-Shall we have
a bit of fun with Mummy's thing?
Don't be a pussy, hoy it in!
Shall we dangle the helmet?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Argh! Shit!
-Better.
-God!
Oh, Adam, please!
Archie needs that, Fee will be
-furious!
-Go and get it, then.
Oh, for God's sake.
Aaargh!
Dad, she can't swim!
For Christ's sake,
just grab her a rope.
You're in charge.
It's OK, I'm coming! Here I come!
Get the helmet!
Adam! Adam, please!
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE
Oh, baby.
Oh, babe
Oh, my God.
The lederhose are just ruined.
-Yeah.
-Wh What are you
What are you doing?
Oh, you know
I just
I just fell in.
Um
I was in the skateboard park,
took a half-pipe and
I just misjudged it.
I'm good, I'm good. I'm good.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA
Cool.
God, where were? I was just
waiting for you for absolutely ages.
Yeah, yeah. You know, life.
-FROM DISTANCE:
-Oi, paedo. Dickhead!
Tote Oi, you prick!
Phone Let's go.
-Do you know those guys, babe?
-Yeah.
-Well, who are they?
-Dunno.
Oh, we should give them a lift.
We haven't got room.
I think that's Tom and
It's Fay, yeah, pull over.
Go on, pull o pull over!
It's not safe!
You've got to pull over for them!
Adam!
TYRES SKID
Fancy meeting you here.
Hello, stranger, what are you doing
with this roadkill?
Go on, jump in.
Come on, chop chop, I'll drive.
Come on.
Adam, you've been banned.
MUSIC ON STEREO:
A Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay
Because you light up the path
I don't care ♪
Are you OK, Kerry?
It's just, um, I get a bit car sick
if I'm in the back.
No, I'm fine.
So what happened to you lot then?
Oh, you know, just abit of
horseplay, mate, really.
-Oh, yeah?
-Mm-hmm.
Yeah, we had something like that.
Kerry threw herself in the sea,
forgot she couldn't swim.
Kerry
Davey saved my life!
Oh, wow, Davey, you're my new hero!
Yeah, Davey
LOUD RETCHING
-Oh, babe, that stinks.
-I know.
-It's disgusting.
-I know.
-Have you been eating dog shit?
-No!
Ohcome on.
HE GRUNTS
SHE MOANS
LOUD MOANING
Oh
Mmm.
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
Oh!
Oh
Nnnnn-nnn.
SHE SIGHS