Can You Keep a Secret? (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

1
I'd remember if you'd told me
you were hosting
-a charity fundraising night in memory of Dad.
-Why?
Because he's not dead!
-Awoo!
-Argh!
HOLLOW THUD
I'm just so bored! Please
can I pop to the petrol station?
Well, of course you bloody can't!
What if you're seen?
I'll wear a disguise.
Is Geoff the one who shoves
petrol pumps up his jacksy?
No, that's Pigfish.
You mustn't tell Neha.
We can't keep lying to her.
We tell her the truth.
No, we definitely can't do that.
Mum, please, this is fraud,
you could go to prison.
Look, I am sorry that your dad
has died but just being rude to me
is not going to
bring your father back.
Evening, all.
You MASSIVE twat!
HARRY SIGHS
Thank God that's over.
I'll tell you something -
you needn't worry about me
ever having an affair.
I did not enjoy all this lying.
Yesterday, right,
I was having a Yop.
I normally wolf them down, don't I?
Not this time.
Kept getting caught
right there, stuck.
I thought it was acid reflux,
but in hindsight I think
it was just anxiety.
Are you going to kiss me?
I am the police!
How can you not see the problem
that your dad faked his death?!
-I can see it
-Yeah?
I can see it.
I just think it might be better
if we don't look at it?
Your parents
must give that money back.
-You need to tell them to come clean.
-Of course. OK.
What about the jet washer?
BIRDSONG
Good morning, darling.
Oh, hello.
I've got your pills.
-Ah.
-There we are.
There, drink up.
Thank you.
HE STRAINS
Deborah?
Don't worry,
I'm not going to smash your legs in
and make you write a book.
You were having one of your
Parky thrashes again last night.
-Oh, God, was I?
-You were like a pig with its head stuck in a fence.
Thank you for your sympathy.
You are welcome.
Deborah Debbie!
-Mm?
-Are you going to leave me like this?
I think it's for the best.
Oh. It was just a nip
to the petrol station.
Yeah, but you're meant
to be dead, dear.
Deceased, demised, expired,
an ex-William,
which means no more nipping
or zipping or dipping or popping
or whipping or even schlepping.
I was careful.
I wore the wolf hat.
You got into a car
with a serving police officer.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
You're a moron!
But you're my moron.
How can the sparrows thrive
if he continues to do that?
I ain't touched her bread.
You crawled over when you thought
I wasn't looking, but I was looking!
Oh, I knew you were looking,
you swivel-eyed crone!
-All right, let's keep it civil.
-"Crone"?!
That is abusive language!
Constable Fendon, could you?
Sorry.
Right, what exactly
is the problem here?
I'm seeing it, saying it,
sorting it.
He has been stealing the bread
off the floor
that I was saving for the birds.
-Is that true?
-No.
So why're you hiding your bag, then?
Am I going to have to check
the black helicopters?
You know those cameras
see everything.
Do you want to tell me the truth?
Truth is open to interpretation.
Just empty your bag, Rupert.
-Thief.
-All right, let's not gloat.
Come on, mate.
Well, is she going to arrest him?
It's a very complicated situation.
Why don't I take you to the drop-in
and get you a nice hot drink?
-It's closed.
-What? Since when?
Bye, then.
No, that's a disaster.
Hm. Guess the council's spending
all its money on black helicopters.
Probably not ethical
to confirm conspiracy theories
with people like him.
Works, though.
Do it on George all the time.
He's stealing bread
and I'm the bad guy!
What will it take
to get some justice?
What on earth are you doing?
Well, it's for his own good.
Stop him escaping again,
like Ronnie Pickering.
Who's Ronnie Pickering?
The Great Train Robber!
No, Ronnie Pickering
wasn't the Great Train Robber.
Well, maybe not great
in the truest sense of the word
but he was pretty bloody effective
until they caught him.
Ronnie Pickering wasn't a train
robber, great or otherwise.
Oh, my God. Are you saying
they got the wrong man?
No! He's saying you don't know
who Ronnie Pickering is
-and we don't either.
-So who do I mean?
It doesn't matter, Mum.
We have bigger fish to fry.
Give me a letter,
what does it begin with?
-Don't give him a letter, please.
-Um, R?
Not for Ronnie, for the surname.
Oh, um, B? Or maybe D?
-Is anyone listening to me?
-Hello?
-Ronnie Wood? - No, no, it's not him.
-Guys! - He's in that band, The Who?
-Ronnie Wood!
-I don't mean who, I mean The Who.
-Jesus Christ, please just shut up!
-What, so do you know who it is?
-Who is it?
-No, Mum, please, no more Ronnies, please. OK?
-We need to talk.
-Of course we need to talk,
-but we're in the middle of something here.
-We're nearly there.
Yeah, and I don't care!
My marriage is at risk here!
Neha has been very, very clear.
You have to give the money back.
Right.
So will you?
-No.
-I can't! I can't! I can't!
Harold, when your father
was forced to retire,
that insurance company
declined to pay out
because his symptoms didn't meet
the definitions of their policy.
Can you imagine being told that
your Parkinson's doesn't qualify
when you can't get to sleep,
you can't get out of the bath,
you can't even get an erection
without some Viagra?
Right, darling,
let's keep some mystery there.
Well, look, my point is that
that firm can swivel.
I get the point,
but Neha is saying
Oh, Neha, Neha, Neha!
I know you're married
but do you have to do everything
she tells you to do?
Which reminds me, would you mind?
Not now, William! Debbie talking.
Now, look. Look, I appreciate
that this is tricky
-"Tricky"?
-..and I hate to say I told you so
-But?
-I told you not to tell her.
You think this is my fault?
Oh, that's very big of you
to admit that. Good boy.
Now, then, if you'll excuse me,
I've got something
very urgent to attend to.
-No, no, no, we're not done here
-Urgent, Harold, urgent.
-Mum!
-If you want to do something useful,
go and Google
who Ronnie Pickering is.
-Mum, please, we can't just brush this under
-Oh, God!
You're starting to sound like one of
those yappy little dogs that I hate.
Yeah, cos I'm very stressed out
and I don't cope well with it.
The other day I was having a Yop
and it got caught right in
Oh, don't be
such a boneless bloody bucket!
You think you're stressed,
try being me!
Yeah, but your stress
is stress of your own making!
Is it? Well, then, explain this.
Found that in my pocket
at the bowls club last night.
-Oh, my God, this is a?
-Yeah.
Who sent it?
I don't know!
I mean, the choice of font is
What? Is it a clue?
I don't know about that,
but, I mean, graphically
it's strikingly uninspired.
Yeah, you see, I initially thought
it was one of your jokes.
Mum, this is not a funny joke.
Yeah, that's why I thought it
was one of yours.
Mum, come on, we're being
blackmailed! What does Dad think?
Well, I haven't told him.
God, he gets into a tizz
if the Aquafresh doesn't come out
in clean stripes. How do you think
he'd cope with being blackmailed?
No, I need to get down to the club
and find out who planted that
by accessing the CCTV.
How are you going to do that?
CCTV involves computers, Mum.
Last time I checked,
you can't open an email.
You don't need to be technical
when you've got womanly ways.
Oh, Christ.
People don't stop having sex
just cos they're in their 60s.
Yes, I know. Your generation
is obsessed with telling us.
I'll have you know that your father
and I enjoy a very active,
very experimental sex life,
thank you.
-Oh.
-Despite the Parkinson's.
In fact, sometimes
because of the Parkinson's.
Sometimes when he's had his pills,
he's got the libido
of a young Calum Best.
Clive will be putty in my hands.
CCTV is only viewable by management.
But they are my favourite earrings
and I am basically management.
No, you do three shifts a fortnight
behind the bar
and we have a robust cyber policy
which I am not breaching
for some earrings.
Now, if that's everything,
thanking you.
But they were an anniversary present
from
TEARFULLY: ..William.
You're You're emotional.
It's just been so hard, you know?
It's OK, I understand
your mental state
has been diminished by the death
of your husband.
It's been so very, very,
very, very, very hard
getting used to being
single again
and the lack of physical touch.
I-I think this would be best done
with one of the other women.
No, I need a man.
Clive, would you happen to have
a robust policy
that covers loneliness?
Th-That might be covered by a club's
code of conduct but in this case
Sorry, I just need to
swallow some saliva.
HE SWALLOWS
in this case-case,
it's not in ours.
Oh.
You wouldn't, um fetch me
some tissues, would you, pet?
-Yes, I suppose I could.
-Yeah, thank you.
Although you're not just
getting me to leave
so you can go on my computer?
Do you really think so little of me?
Why are you taking so long
to answer Clive?
OK, I'll go
Actually, come to think of it,
I've got some tissues right
here in the drawer.
I always keep them
near the computer in case
Well, never mind why.
Here you are.
Ah!
Ah, no, you see,
those have got balsam in them.
-And I'm allergic to that.
-Really? -Yeah.
If I blow my nose on that, my face
will swell up like a baboon's arse.
Honestly, Clive, I was hoping you'd
make me feel better, not worse.
-All right, all right, just wait there, I'll be right back.
-Thanks!
LOCK CLICKS
Right.
There.
Oh. Um
Bowls
Oh, God. Bollocks. Um
What could it be? Um
Of course!
Men! So stupid.
Oh, buggery bollocks!
Debbie? Where are you going?
I've got your tissues
Oh, keep 'em.
You shouldn't use the balsam ones
for your monkey business, Clive.
You'll get a rash on your bell piece.
Right.
You all saw that.
I'm being harassed.
Well, I actually didn't see it.
Oh, yes. We all know
you're bloody blind, Jean.
OFFICE DOOR SLAMS
What's a bell piece?
It's the mushroomy bit on the end.
You know what?
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for coming back to untie me.
Mad that's a sentence
that makes sense in this family.
Here, come on, make a bit of space,
get that down there
What are you doing?
Your mother has a very transactional
approach to marriage.
You know, when I'm in her bad books,
she withdraws my snuggle time.
Ugh.
Why are you both so obsessed
with telling me about your sex life?
I suppose we're just pleased
we're still smashing.
-Oh, my God.
-Yeah, so I'm trying to earn back some brownie points
by doing my list of jobs
she gave me.
"Get TVs ready
for digital switchover."
How old is this list, Dad?
I'll admit that's been
overly on the back burner.
Oh, my God, we haven't missed it,
have we?
"Return VHS of Eyes Wide Shut
to Blockbuster."
Good film.
Was a bit sexy, wasn't it?
"Sort cupboard of doom".
Yeah, that's what I'm doing now.
I mean, look -
look at the date on that.
Best before 1988?
You want to hang on to that.
That is basically an heirloom.
I'll treasure this,
when I'm alone in my bedsit.
Don't worry,
you and Neha are going to be fine.
Just do what generations of
brave Fendons have done before you.
Grovel, like a turkey with no shame.
GOBBLING
HE COUGHS
GOBBLING
-I get it, Dad, yeah.
-Yep.
So? How did it go
with telling your parents?
Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
And good news -
you are just in time for
pasta al chickeno al Fredo
al broccoli-iolio
Brocolli, um
Yeah, so I've done all the washing,
the kids are in bed.
And can I just say,
you look like a movie star tonight.
Oh, you pathetic worm.
You have to give the money back.
We don't want to.
Debbie, I'm trying to help.
If you come clean now,
with your good characters
Impeccable.
you might get away
with community service.
Yes, I might,
but what about his criminal record?
It was just a caution.
Yeah, but a caution
for indecent exposure
is not going to
go down well, is it?
You've got a caution
for indecent exposure?
It sounds worse than it is.
Right, yeah,
cos it sounds quite noncey.
It was a simple misunderstanding
coming back from a work do
in Birmingham.
I thought before driving home
I told him to take the train.
Yeah, I'd treat myself to
a nice takeaway curry in the car.
And as you know,
I do tend to rather overindulge
and unfortunately I ate so much
that I had no option
but to loosen my trousers
"No option"?
But then, I had a couple more
bhajis, you know, for the road
and I thought, "Do you know what?"
"I'm going to be a lot more
comfortable if I just let"
"my trousers right down and let
the whole area breathe a bit."
Why does your brain work
the way it does?
The pickle arose when I started to
feel a bit sleepy. I don't know.
Must have been weaving a bit.
Before I know it, there's flashing
blue lights in the mirror
and the police pulled me over
and it's all,
"Step outside of the vehicle, sir."
"Keep your hands
where I can see them."
And your trousers were?
Yeah.
-They thought you'd been?
-Yeah.
But I wasn't. And I wouldn't.
Couldn't, frankly,
after all that curry.
But, er mud sticks.
As unfortunately
does cucumber raita.
And that is why
we can't go to the police.
And that is why
I never eat poppadoms.
Anyway
You know, come on, Bacon Puff,
anyone? Found them in the cupboard.
Pre-9/11 but still up to snuff.
No, they can't, cos they've got
to rush off, haven't you?
So thank you for coming over,
and we really appreciate your
support and your concern.
Are you for real?
What, you think we can just
carry on life as normal?
Um
Yeah?
Harry?
Oh
I don't think we're hurting anyone.
Yeah, so
OK, then, you leave me
with no other option.
-Deborah Fendon
-"Deborah"?
Don't call me that, that makes me
feel like I'm getting told off.
Deborah Fendon, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of committing
fraud by deception.
You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention
when questioned
something which you later
rely on in court.
Anything you do say
may be given in evidence.
You know all that off by heart?
Are you going to come quietly?
Well, am I permitted a poo first?
Er
Yeah, OK?
-Did you see that Harry?
-Yeah.
THAT is how you do it.
FRONT DOOR SLAMS
Sorry! Too busy to be arrested!
Crikey. Haven't seen your mum
move like that
since they had 50% off Uggs
at Bicester Village.
Neha, wait, please!
I cannot associate with criminals!
We're not criminals, we're
we're Wallace and Gromit.
You two might be,
but your mum's the penguin
with a rubber glove on her head.
-I'm going. - Hang on, no, I'm coming with you.
-No, you can stay here.
Actually, in fact, you can live
here until you and your parents
learn the difference
between right and wrong.
I need to find Mum.
Ooh, could you let me know
when you have?
Because I'm in her good books again
and, before she gets back,
I thought I'd have a nice bath
and maybe, you know, pop a Viagra.
What makes you think
I would possibly need to know that?
DOOR OPENS AND BELL CHIMES
You can have me hat if you like.
So whoever you're hiding from
don't recognise you.
Is it that obvious?
Takes one to know one.
Word of warning, if you are out
in the village tonight,
make sure you've got protection.
What, like condoms?
No.
-Something to ward off the evil spirits.
-Right.
Most effective armour I've found
is petrol.
That's why you?
Exactly.
Mm.
Well, look, I'm glad
you've found something
that works so well for you.
I think I'll probably just stick
to the vitamin D myself.
You stick that up your arse, do you?
HE BELCHES
It's broken Britain, Pigfish,
it really is.
KNOCKING
Oh!
Want me to spark him
while you make a run for it?
He's my son. If anyone's going to
spark him, it'll be me.
How did you find me?
Well, you've always
sought salvation in batter.
How did it go with Clive?
Couldn't even get past the password.
Hey, you did well to turn
the computer on.
You used to not even
be able to do that.
SHE SIGHS
It was on already.
Now let me drop you home.
Er Er, no, that's OK. No.
What?
Me and Neha are
having a bit of a break.
Neha and I.
Well, that's not good, is it?
-No.
-No.
Ah.
Oh
Oh, come here. Come here.
Thank you.
William, we're back.
Dad?
Help!
Dad?!
-Help! -Where are you?
-In here.
Oh! Oh, Jesus,
you after another police caution?
No, I'm stuck.
-I've had one of my Parky freezes.
-Oh!
Been here for three bloody hours.
Oh, why didn't you wait for me?
I was getting ready for the
you know, for the snuggle time.
Oh. Oh! Yes, I see.
Hello, friend.
Oh, God, please, guys,
this is getting abusive now.
There we are. Just help there.
-Come on, that's it.
-Oh, God.
-There we are.
-Ugh
Careful.
Thank you.
KNOCKING
Debbie?
Can I come in?
You and those boys are
the most important thing in my life,
and I was a rotten pig
to do anything to risk that.
If I took the rap, do you think
I could keep William out of prison?
-I don't know.
-Oh.
Either way, I've, um
I've got a list here
of where all the money's gone,
just in case it helps you
get it back.
You've spent a lot.
I know, but it doesn't go far.
-What's that?
-Oh, that's Geoff's taxi fund.
Yeah, for his hospital visits.
-And this?
-Yes, that was a big splurge.
I paid for Billie
to see a sleep expert.
Cos honestly when she's snoring,
it's like a walrus
is being crushed to death.
So I thought I'd get her checked
for sleep apnoea
because it can kill you,
you know, sleep apnoea.
Halfords - £400?
Yeah, that's Harold's jet washer.
He does love it.
He told me it was 200 quid on sale.
Five grand - what's that on?
Yes, I haven't spent that one yet,
because I was waiting to see
if you and Harold would help me.
It's a GoFundMe
for the drop-in centre.
Because I was just chatting
with Pigfish,
and apparently they've been
totally shafted by the cuts.
I mean it's Broken Britain,
Neha, really.
So
shall we go t'station, then?
On balance, I think
I'd prefer a custodial sentence.
You know, I've seen
what community service entails -
it's gardening, litter clearance,
scrubbing graffiti off walls,
and, frankly, it looks shit.
You know, at least in prison I can
spend 23 hours a day in my cell.
You know? Lot less work.
Could even get ripped.
And bummed.
Is that a good or a bad thing?
It's a It's a thing.
I must confess, there's a bit of me
that is relieved.
-How come?
-Some frigger has found out about William
and sent me a blackmail letter.
-Are you joking?
-No.
Look. Look.
Not while I'm driving, Debbie!
No, sorry, sorry, sorry.
So after you've taken me down,
promise me
that you'll find this bastard
and nail his bollocks
to his backside.
Oh. You missed the turning.
What's going on?
Neha?
CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE
-Here we go.
-Mm.
Come on, then. Easy.
Ooh
-What's going on?
-Get back in the house, you!
-You're meant to be dead!
-Come on!
Ow.
I may be a copper, but first
and foremost, I'm a pragmatist.
Also your uncle's a drug dealer,
so you can't get too high
on your horse.
That was never proved.
He was just looking after it
for a mate.
-Aw.
-14 tonnes.
In a warehouse.
-His warehouse.
-Ignore him, he's just a blooming pedant.
The important thing
is thank you for seeing this
isn't just black and white.
-Shamone!
-No, not now.
So, I might not agree
with what you've done,
how you've done it,
why you've done it,
where you've done it,
and who you've done it to,
but ultimately
I can't disagree with charity.
So, as long as we keep
doing the right thing,
I think I can look the other way
on a few other bits and bobs.
So just to be clear,
you mean the fake death,
the fraud and her evading arrest?
-Yeah.
-Mm.
-Are we all on the same page?
-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah.
Ooh, I don't love that term.
Same page.
It's like
all those other Americanisms.
So aggravating, aren't they?
You know, moving forward, do
the math, I'm going fanny packing
-And the grey squirrels.
-Yeah.
-What's that got to do with it?
-Well, American, invaders.
Horrible little rats,
eating our native red squirrels
out of house and home.
Well, that's really not to do
with what she's talking about.
It's the same. No, it's
-You've been talking about things from America.
-No. Yes
-Guys, please. Guys, can we focus?
-Yes, I'm entirely focused.
-You carry on.
-Yeah.
Cheese bite, anyone,
from the year we invaded Iraq?
Yes, please.
No.
Hey, I love you.
PHONE RINGS
I know.
-Now, say what you really want to.
-I'll get that.
Can we keep the jet washer?
Yes.
Hello? Hello?
-DEEP DISGUISED VOICE: - Mrs Fendon.
-Yeah? - I want my money.
Colberton petrol station,
midnight tomorrow.
LINE DISCONNECTS
SHE HANGS UP
Who was that?
Er Ronnie Pickering.