Daddy Issues (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
Dad!
What?
The lights!
It's the middle of the day.
Sorry, Gem.
But you're better at all that
than me, aren't you?
What?!
Better at turning lights off?
That's not a life skill, Dad.
Chickens can turn lights off.
Well, it was your mum
that turned the lights off
in the old house, you know.
She had her system,
so I didn't like to interfere.
Well, I'm not Mum,
so you need to learn
when the appropriate time
to have lights on and off is.
But do you want a hint? Yeah.
If it's dark, turn them on.
If it's not dark,
turn the fucking lights off!
All right. If you don't mind me
saying, you're a bit stressed
for someone who's just
been to a yoga class.
Well, you're costing me
all this money, Dad.
All the lights are on,
45-minute showers.
I need a long shower, don't I?
I need to, like, you know,
get things out of my system.
Ugh, what things?!
And then this morning I find out
Baris has put the rent up.
I thought you were supposed
to speak to him?
Yeah, I did, I did -
but it was mostly about nunchuks.
You know, I'm just not
good at confrontation, am I, Gem?
Well, strap in, because we're
about to have a big bloody row.
OK.
I can't afford to cover all this.
Not once I'm on maternity leave.
PHONE VIBRATES
So you're gonna need to take up
extra shifts at the warehouse
Dad! Hello? Are you even listening?
Yeah, shifts. Warehouse.
Sorry, I just need to check
if this is Helen.
"Helen"?
Yeah. It's my girlfriend.
What?!
I didn't know
whether I was ready, you know,
and then I got a postcard
from your mum
saying her loins had shrivelled up
and died the last time we, er
Ugh! So I thought to myself,
"Come on, Malcolm,
"she's not coming back."
You know? Time for pastures new -
and then Helen just
popped into my life.
How did you meet a woman?
Well we've not "met" met,
you know, just
Well, we met in cyberspace.
You know, on an app.
Oh, Dad
We need to have a chat
about catfishing.
He's driving me nuts.
Obviously.
He dried his underpants in
the microwave the other day. Oh!
I shouldn't have to tell
my own father
what he can and can't put
in the microwave.
Hey, you should put
a note on it, like Mum did.
Do you remember?
"No metal spoons, Malcolm.
You twat."
Ooh, maybe I should
make him a sign.
Oh, my God. What?
You're turning into mum!
I am not.
You are!
He's turning you
into a replacement wife.
Oh! Oh
I don't know how I'm gonna
cope when the baby gets here.
You need to get yourself a business
plan to get out of this mess.
Your last "business plan"
got you incarcerated -
but, go ahead, Apprentice me,
Jeffrey Bezos.
Well
..given your very limited skillset,
I think your best option
is to find a rich, and
preferably senile, guy ASAP.
Asap!
I'm good, 'in't I?
Mm.
Fuck.
If she won't let me
see the kids this weekend,
she is not getting
the crunchy bears.
Bloody women.
Yeah.
Talking of women, I have been
looking for a companion on this app,
and I've found one.
Yeah, and we've been chatting,
you know - and her name is Helen.
She's 50 and she works
at the hospital,
and she doesn't have
any kids or anything.
All right. Bang her, then leave her.
Yeah. Definitely. It's just
I think I'm in love with her.
HE SCOFFS
She-She's really funny you know
and she just says things like
Oh, Malcolm.
Women aren't funny.
Show me.
You dirty old dog!
This is a hook-up app!
A what?
Casual sex.
No. No, Helen wouldn't do that.
Malcolm, I promise you, this app is
for finding a no-strings fuck buddy.
B-But I like strings, don't I?
I mean, strings are
romantic, aren't they?
Let's see if she's turned on the
"mutual attraction" feature.
What?
It lets you find each other,
so you can meet up and smash.
What, without
going to the cinema first?
Bingo.
I use this for my casual
encounters all the time.
Or I will do. I'm just, er
..just waiting for a couple
of rashes to clear up.
Give us it back.
So, you get this boring
notification that alerts you
when you're within
five metres of each other,
or you can pay extra for this.
AIRHORN
AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Want me to add it to yours too?
Wow, wow pussy alert.
No, no, thanks.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
I'm fine with the factory settings.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert
Rita, they're out of
decaf at the minimart.
Do you want me to go to
the big shop? Oh, no need, love.
Ooh, I know -
let's open the tequila instead.
It's 9am,
and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
Winnie'll have one won't you?
Little minx.
And I work so much better
when I'm a few glasses down.
Congratulations, Gemma, love!
And we don't know
who the father is, do we?
Is it that old one?
I thought you dumped
that old one months ago.
I did dump him.
Because he wanted to settle down
and have kids and I didn't.
Oh! Mm, the irony.
Adam actually asked me to marry him.
And why the hell didn't you,
you silly mare?
You can't be turning men
down in your condition.
I wasn't pregnant when he asked.
He owned that bungalow outright.
His trousers weren't
made of polyester.
I'd kill for a man like that.
I wasn't in love with him.
Love? Pah.
I've been married four times,
Gemma, and not once was it for love.
A house, a car,
some exquisite crockery -
but never love.
That's really sad, Rita.
I didn't plan on getting wed at all.
When I was your age,
I was after joining MI6
and being one of those spies
that shagged about for secrets.
Am I gonna regret asking
why you didn't become a spy?
I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour
of the Coronation Street set.
They found out -
they said I wasn't very discerning.
How did they find out?
Oh, I must have done it
on camera by accident.
Didn't know I did Kevin Webster
too, though, did they? Hmm?
Bloody MI6. They don't know shit.
I'm sorry,
what are you trying to tell me?
Well, life is about compromise.
Especially for us girls.
My sister said something
very similar.
Just because she's in prison
for paying a man to push another
man down a lift-shaft
Off a fire escape.
..does not mean
she gives bad advice.
And you can tell your dad
he's welcome to pop in
for a Corrie Special
whenever he likes.
Rita! I'm just saying.
Want a top up, Winnie?
Oh, you've not finished that one.
Thanks for coming with me. Um
So, sorry, which one am I?
The blue dot that's moving,
because of how you're moving.
Who's the pink one?
Fucking Helen!
OK. All right
There's two fucking dots, Malcolm.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Sorry. I get confused.
Get your head in the game, man!
I don't know
So, what's she like?
Other than well up for it?
She's lovely.
We watch Emily In Paris
at the same time
and then message each other
about what Emily's wearing.
Weak.
Should get her to
watch some UFC with you.
If she's turned on by a man
round-housing another man's
head off, then she's a keeper.
She's a vegan, which is a worry,
in case I smell of meat.
Do I smell of meat?
HE SNIFFS
I mean, a bit.
But, you know, in a good way.
She runs. Mental.
And she believes in angels.
What?
Yeah. She believes in angels.
You know, that they, like
..they walk amongst us -
and it's very important
that I believe in that, too.
Well, do you? Well, er
I could. I mean, why not?
PHONE VIBRATES
OK. She's heading towards us.
Now's your chance.
55-year-old male, arrived by car.
Lacerations to both legs
after a strimmer accident.
Careful
He went into cardiac
arrest on the way here.
Oh, my God, Malcolm!
Did you see that?
I know.
I used to love using my strimmer.
Derek
What kind of bloke are you after?
Other than "rich",
to quote your sister.
Erm, not a prick.
Someone who is willing to
look after my unborn child.
Is that a high bar or
a low bar? I can't tell.
Will you help me find him?
I can if we go to Sugar Daddies.
Oh, God, it's not actually
called that, is it?
Ugh, may as well be -
but trust me, it is THE place to
go for your fairy-tale ending.
That good?
Mate of mine -
no money, grotty flat -
went there one night,
hooked up with an oligarch,
got married, he got murdered.
She now lives on a yacht with her
super hot wife and couple of pugs.
Oh, my God.
A real-life Cinderella story.
Innit?!
Ooh, hello, ruffles!
Ooh.
Yeah. That's the one, isn't it?
Gem Mmm.
Gem, can I ask a favour?
Oh, I'm not squeezing
your back spots again, Dad.
Oh, no, it's not that
I just wondered if I could borrow
your very smart telephone to, erm
..take a pic of my willy.
No chance.
Use your own.
I can't, can I?
I bought it second-hand off Andy,
and he's smashed the camera in.
Why? Well, cos his
brother told him to
in case he caught 5G or
something, I don't know.
No. Oh, go on!
It's for Helen, you know,
so she can
So she can see the goods.
Dad, Helen is a six foot
trucker from Didsbury.
No, she's not.
Me and Derek saw her.
She's lovely.
Right!
Well, if she's so lovely, why are
you sending her a picture
of your willy? Your penis?
Well, you know, I'm just stepping
up the wooing to the next level.
An unsolicited dick pic
is not the next level.
No, it's not unsolicited -
it's solicited.
She sent me pictures of her
lady breasts.
Loads of pictures, actually.
Go on, Gem.
Oh, my God
No.
Christ.
God.
I probably don't
deserve love, do I, anyway?
Look at me.
Take it!
Oh, thanks, Gem!
Fucking hell.
Gem?
What?
Erm
I don't know how to send it.
You couldn't it send
to me, could you?
Cos then I can send to her, you see.
Dad, are you for real?
Please.
Oh, my God.
Cheers.
Jesus, Dad.
This is flaccid.
Well, I didn't want to be
presumptuous, did I? No.
You cannot send a flaccid cock shot.
OK? This looks like a baby rat
that's fallen asleep on a scourer.
Do it again.
But this time
..erect.
Thanks, Gemma.
I'll just pop on a Kylie video.
Go on.
Get comfy.
Are you sure you still
want to do this?
Yep.
After what I had to do
to help my dad get a date,
this is going to feel
like a walk in the park.
Let's find you a daddy.
Cute.
Right, follow me, babe.
Wow.
God, you really weren't joking
about who comes in here.
Right.
A few little rules
worth keeping in mind.
This is not the first time
I've chatted men up in a bar.
Laugh at all their terrible jokes.
Mm-hm.
Don't talk about politics.
Pretend you like golf.
DON'T slag off the King.
Hadn't actually
thought of those last two.
Ladies.
He smells weird.
Oh, pregnancy early warning system.
Sorry, babe.
Hey. Hi. I'm Clint.
Friends call me the Clintser.
Ooh
Er, what's your favourite novel,
Clint?
Shakespeare.
Mm-hm.
Mmmm. Oh.
Bye.
Look, this won't work
if you're too picky. No, I know.
I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll
make an effort with the next one.
Even if he's gross and thick? Yeah.
I'm not leaving here
until I have a potential
father for my unborn child.
Good lass.
Ooh May I buy you ladies a drink?
Champagne, maybe?
I'm Fergal.
And you are? Gemma. Cherry.
I was going to say,
"Far too gorgeous to be
in a place like this."
Fucking baiter.
I knew you'd get stood up, Malc.
I knew it.
I told you not to send her a pickle
picture without showing me first.
Helen was very nice about
my "display", actually.
And, anyway,
she hasn't stood me up.
Well, not yet, anyway.
Then why is she meeting you so late?
She's probably waiting for her
jealous husband to fall asleep.
She does overtime on Fridays.
I'm sorry, Derek.
I'm just nervous, aren't I?
Oh, grow up.
You are a man,
and any man is better
than any female.
Oh, what, so Fred West better
than Shirley Bassey, is he?
You're fiddling the
system now, Malcolm. Stop it.
I mean, what if she
wants to, you know?
Good! That's what you're
paying £2.99 a month for.
SOBS: I'm not ready for that
I'm not ready Malcolm?
No! No, no! Sorry!
I didn't get the alert!
I didn't get an alert.
I'm not ready!
I'm not ready! I'm not ready!
Aah! Malcolm?
Is he OK? Obviously not.
And that's your fault.
Who are you?
Oh.
Oh, no, what's happening?
Oh, no, I think
I'm having a heart attack.
Oh
Oh, you should probably
do the thing.
Help me. Help me!
Ugh
Dickhead.
Malcolm, my friend, what you need
is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert".
Your husband's
a professional rugby player?
Yeah, he has been with the same club
since he was 11 years old.
He'll never move away, though,
his mum's a right needy wanker.
She has Parkinson's disease.
Yeah, and she doesn't
let you forget it.
Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? Yeah.
Another round, Fergal?
You're so good at
buying drinks, after all.
That's a terrible line!
But I-I am very good
at buying drinks.
Thank you.
Mate, sorry.
Excu
Hi!
Er, hiGemma? Mm-hm.
Are you here alone?
Er, with my boss.
Oh, right.
Is he a massive douchebag?
No, he's justreally lonely.
Can I buy you a drink? Maybe?
Erm, could we get a bottle of
champagne and some sparkling water?
Whoa!
Shit, OK.
Do you think I'm running some
sort of Breaking Bad operation?
Because while I technically do
know how to make methamphetamine,
I would have absolutely
no idea how to shift it.
Drinks are on Fergal.
Sorry, who's Fergal?
Er, Fergs and I have decided this
place sucks a donkey's big fat dick.
That's not quite what I said.
Who is this? I
We're going back to mine.
You coming? Er Great!
You found one for me too!
Thanks, babe.
You can have this back. Thanks.
Come on.
What did you tell her?
That you had the shits. Oh
I said you'd seen an angel
and it'd made your stomach go funny.
Why?!
Cos it's just as likely as
anything else that would happen
if you saw an angel.
You know, I'm not cut out for this.
Davina was cruel,
but at least I knew where all her
bits were and how they worked.
She was like a
menopausal Ford Focus.
Hey, come on.
You'll get there, champ.
If not now, thenone day.
Besides, now I've Helen up close,
she's only a six at best
on the pussy-ometer, so
Six? I like a six.
So are you, erm, a doctor?
No. Oh
I love a man in uniform.
That's nice I don't
I don't wear one of those either.
So, I guess this is the part where
you tell me you are married?
I was married,
but we split up six months ago.
We were childhood sweethearts,
but she wanted something different.
And she was devoted to her career,
but I
I really want a family.
God, I didn't even know that
men had a biological clock.
Alexa, play Fergal's
Midnight Playlist.
What the fuck?
MUSIC: You're the Best Thing
by The Style Council
Oh, my God, I've not heard
this song for years.
My dad would sing this all
the time when we were little.
Yeah. Yeah, guys.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I'll just, erm
Yeah.
Cheers, everybody.
So, you'll message me?
Look, I really like you,
so I don't want to start with a lie.
I'm pregnant.
What? Mm.
Wow. That's
Massive. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, do you still want that DM?
I don't know where
this is gonna go
..but girls like you really
don't come along very often.
It's such a beautiful morning.
Yeah.
Oh, no!
Chemtrails.
What?
You see that line
behind the plane up there?
That's a fucking chemtrail.
Fuck!
Fucking cloud bastards.
The government use aeroplanes to
pump chemicals into the atmosphere,
which keep the electorate
stupid and control our minds.
It's the same with
fluoride in the water.
If it's to protect people's teeth,
why have so many
people got fillings?
Think about it.
I mean, it makes no fucking sense.
Mm
I'm in a WhatsApp group,
we're really trying to blow
this whole thing wide open.
Let the sheeple know the truth.
Yeah, about the chemtrails?
I'll add you to the group.
OK!
Thanks for a great night. Thanks.
So close.
Dad! Have you had the lights
on since I left this morning?
No.
You've been moping about for days.
Are you still connected
to her on the app?
Yeah.
That's how I know she's
been at work all week,
but she hasn't read or replied
to any of my messages.
Right.
Have a short shower and get dressed.
You're going to tell her how
you feel, the old-fashioned way.
What, a post-it note
through the letterbox?
What?
It's just here, by the church.
I don't know what
I'm gonna say to her.
Just tell her you're sorry.
Still don't think
we should have brought
your emotional support
dickhead along.
Yeah. She's getting married.
Called it.
She just wanted you for one last
blow on the meat horn, Malc.
And you bailed on her.
Do not listen to him, Dad.
She'll just be a guest.
Have you got the flowers?
This is so not wedding-appropriate.
What if I get tagged in the photos?
I think you look lovely.
You've got that glow, the baby glow.
She's dead.
Malcolm Oh Dad!
Excuse me.
Oh, God.
It's probably for the best.
Hey, she could have had a disease
she was trying to pass on
as an act of vengeance.
Shut up.
I can't believe she's dead.
One minute, she's sat in the garden
with a chunky John Grisham,
and the next her brain just pops.
Did you know Helen well?
Erm
She was so lovely.
Helped me out no end with this one.
She was lovely, wasn't she?
I just wish I'd had a chance
to tell her, you know
They've put her phone in the casket,
so you can send her a little
message later if you like.
Lovely.
MUSIC: Adagio for Strings
by Samuel Barber
AIRHORN
AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Derek!
It's you, Malcolm.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Turn your phone off. Have some
respect. Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Can you hold them?
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
I've got it. It's off.
At least she's with her
best friends, the angels, now.
Was it the start of something
beautiful with Fergal?
Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group
dedicated to exposing
government conspiracy theories.
Chemtrails, specifically.
Oh, mate. I am so sorry.
No, it's better I find out
now than on our wedding day.
How pregnant are you?
What gave it away?
Those antibiotics you had are
mainly given to pregnant people.
Plus you weren't drinking
at Sugar Daddies.
Yeah. 18 weeks.
And he's not on the scene,
which is why I was at the club,
because I was panicking
about doing it alone.
That's, er
That's a lot.
Fergal was really fit
though, wasn't he?
Yeah. Reallyfit.
Do you, er
..fancy getting a coffee sometime?
I think it's your turn to pay.
Oh, my God, it is.
Yeah. Oh, perfect.
I can tell you all about my theory
on why 9/11 was an inside job.