Don't Forget the Driver (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Bolloc
One of the other drivers at work
Are you listening, Baz?
Like a hawk, mate.
He's a real idiot.
Anyway, he's got himself involved
in a situation,
a stupid mess, with a woman.
A woman?
A stranger.
She's, well, she's from abroad and
Because you're in exports,
the thing is, Barry,
she's illegal.
A fence jumper?
Yes. Yes, if you like.
No shit, mate.
That's a serious set-up.
Can you not do that accent?
- What accent?
- That one.
I can't concentrate.
That's not an accent, mate.
I'm fully integrated.
- You put it on!
- Nah, mate!
Anyway, I want to give him advice.
Get rid of her. Send her back.
If your mate's harbouring an alien,
they'll throw the book at him.
End of.
So, just walk away from her, then?
Should I? Er, he?
Over here they turn them round,
send them back with a gun shell.
Shoot them?
- If only!
- Dad?
Barry, I've got to go.
- Dad?
- Hi, Special K!
Who's the woman in the front room?
You've got a woman in the front room?
- Dad!
- Yes?
- What the fuck's going on?
- Er
I've I've got to go to work.
- That's the wrong way.
- Uh?
- Who is she?
- Um
Look, I I
I it's not what it looks like.
- What is it, then?
- We've got to sort this out. - We?
- She's in terrible trouble, Kay.
- How do you know her? - France.
- She doesn't look French.
- No, I went to France - So?
- ..and met her.
- On Tinder?
- Don't be ridiculous!
- How, then?
- Well, I brought her back.
- Duty-free?
Kayla! By accident!
How do you bring someone back
by accident?
- Well, you watch the news.
- No, I don't.
- Well, you should.
- I don't understand what's going on. - Love!
Look, she doesn't talk.
I don't know anything
about her, honestly, Kay.
It was last night.
She's not staying, it was just
..a rush of blood.
I don't want to know
about your rush of blood!
To the head!
What about me?
I wasn't thinking.
Where are you going?
She'll sleep. She needs to sleep.
But, Dad, I need sleep!
Look, I'll be back by mid afternoon.
I promise.
Don't leave me here.
I have to think about it.
Why can't you take her with you?
I can't, can I?
Why have you done this?
If you could stay till two, maybe.
Please, Kay?
- You're taking the piss.
- I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm my own worst enemy.
Thank you.
- Boll
- ..ocks!
Down Under by Men At Work
Bollocks!
OK?
Mm. Where here?
- What?
- Here?
Erm, where here?
Oh, Bognor.
- Border?
- No, Bognor.
- Bonner?
- No, Bognor.
- Bognor?
- Bognor.
- Bognor.
- Bognor.
Bognor. Bognor.
- Bognor.
- Oh, fuck's sake.
Fuck's sake.
- Pagham.
- That's great, Mum.
Poached egg.
Well, egg isn't really
It's fine. It's fine.
Is that it, Joy?
What?
Words beginning with P?
What about my name, Mum?
Puh
Puh
- Pee
- Barry?
You remember who this is, don't you?
He took up with a coloured,
she gave him a kid,
he dumped her.
I didn't dump her!
She raised the kid on her own,
he didn't lift a finger.
She's been living with me
since she was 12.
Didn't fight for her, though, did you?
Ach!
Phone?
That's right.
I phone?
No, it's a Samsung.
Has he not offered you
a shower or anything?
You know, shower?
Is that all you've got to wear?
You know what I'm going to say
to you, don't you, Mr Green?
Will it begin with a P?
Her condition has deteriorated.
The house is a health risk.
It's not safe
for her to live on her own.
Apart from that?
Feeling better?
Thank you.
There you go.
I want all of that back.
Loops.
True by Spandau Ballet
Loops.
- I know.
- I don't think you know how serious this is.
I don't give a fuck
about a dirty coach.
I'm not I know
I know how serious it is, mate.
You need to ask! You need to ask!
I don't care how you find her!
- You took the money, didn't you?
- Ssh, I know. Just shut up.
Oi, look at me!
Who's that?
Some Polish guy.
- Find her!
- I promise you.
Yeah, got it, all right. Twat.
He's just a
Just a mate of mine, Lech.
It's his birthday, he's a bit excited.
Yes.
Lech.
Good morning, Pyotr.
You got time for a quick word, Pete?
Later, Dave.
- Only need a minute.
- I'm late.
Feel Good Hit Of The Summer
by Queens Of The Stone Age
All right, Kier?
You coming in, then, this time?
Oh, I can't.
There's things to sort.
- Mum's taken a turn for the worse.
- Oh. Is there anything I can do?
Need to call my brother.
It's just it's the middle
of the night there, isn't it?
Right.
I just think you'd really enjoy it.
You said that about pony trekking.
Right, well
I brought a pair of Phil's
old Speedos if you change your mind.
I reckon you'd fill them really nicely.
Oh, lighten up, Pete.
Let's go, let's go!
- There's a noodle!
- Oh, it's nice!
- Oh, yeah!
- Do it!
Do it!
Do it one more!
Do it! Yes!
He's scared! You're winning!
Kier, whack him!
Our House by Madness
Good.
- Everything OK?
- No.
- What's going on?
- Not much.
- Has she said anything?
- Not much.
- Has she eaten anything?
- She hasn't stopped!
I'll get some fruit, maybe?
Is she staying, then?
I I don't know.
Where is she going to sleep?
We're going to sort it out.
Take her to the police, Dad.
- I can't.
- Why not?
I brought her into the country.
So?
I'll get done.
I can have phone?
I don't think so.
- Where is she?
- Front room.
- What's she doing?
- Shouldn't you be at work?
I'm on a course, aren't I?
- Just put that there. Ow!
- So who is she?
I dunno. She's hardly said a word.
All right, are you?
I'm Bradley.
Um, Brad.
I'm Kay's mate.
Kay.
Kayla. This is Kayla.
You don't have to worry
about me, darling. Does she, Kay?
- I'm one of the girls, aren't I?
- Mmm.
So, what's happened to you, then, eh?
You been in the wars?
But you're all right
now, aren't you? Yeah?
- She's from France.
- Yeah.
- I never did languages.
- Nor me.
So what about you, love?
What's your name?
What's your name-o?
Rita.
Rita?
- Right, Rita, is it?
- Rita.
Yeah. OK, yeah.
- Bloody hell, Bradley.
- People always talk to me, Kay.
Pete?
Pete
Fuck off!
Come in, you silly bugger!
Kill it! Kill it,
kill the zombie! Kill it!
So, what's the deal then?
- What?
- With this little friend of yours?
- Oh, my dad brought her home.
- Dirty bastard!
Oh, no, no, not that!
She's, er Um
Whatshername, isn't she?
Kay?
Kay, pause it. Kay, Kay, Kay?
- Pause it, pause it!
- What?
You OK, hon?
- You OK?
- She's hard work, isn't she?
- Upset.
- Do you want a go?
Mate, can you hold? Hi.
- Could you hold that, please?
- Oh, no thanks.
- Please, could you?
- Oh. - Ta. Thank you.
Let's get you back.
You can dry his hair if you like.
Go on, Pete!
Shall we go?
Yes!
Yeah?
After you.
How are you so good at that?
Get the bunny! Get the bunny!
Get the bunny! Oh, no, you're
No, no, she's supposed to!
You're supposed to land
on the bunny, jump on it.
- Jump on it!
- Oh, jump, jump, jump!
- Jump, jump! - That was it!
- Oh, no! - Jump, jump!
That was fun, wasn't it?
My mum likes you.
Yeah, well, you know, I like your mum.
Did you do it with her?
Mate, that's not a question you ask.
Lol!
Lol.
Taking their time, aren't they?
Pete, you don't have
to be frightened of me.
You want me to say something Spanish
in English?
Kay, you say it in English!
Oh.
Um
Are you available and? Wait.
Say it!
Wait, wait.
Say that.
Are you available
and actively seeking work?
Are you available
and actively seeking work?
Do it for her.
What language do you speak?
Um, language
Blah, blah, blah
Er, English
Me, English.
You?
I am speak Tigrinya.
- What's that?
- Tigrinya.
Never heard of it.
What's Tigrinya?
Tigrinya is an Afro-Asiatic
language of the Semitic branch,
spoken by the Tigrinyans
of northern Eritrea.
- What? - Yes.
- Eritrea!
Um, Eritrea, I speak.
Well, we don't speak, do we?
No, it's here. It's here, mate.
Ask her what she's doing here?
Hang on. Hang on.
Are you Islamic?
Christian.
Arab?
Here goes.
Earth to Rita, what are you doing here?
Yeah, yeah? You speak? Tigrinya?
Yeah? Go on, in there.
Um
I am looking for my brother.
I am looking for my brother.
Fuck this!
I'll look down by Butlin's.
Um
Me, my brother
- Come - Come.
- ..Lose.
Um I pay man in UK.
Man say you work, work, work.
Who played Jack in the film Titanic?
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Which television star
was married to Lenny Henry?
Dawn French.
How many lines does a limerick have?
14, 14! 14!
Who was the first female
Prime Minister of Great Britain?
Thatcher!
Oi, you! Driver! Where is she?
We're coming for you, you little
fucker! We're coming for you!
What was the name of
Kylie Minogue's first UK hit?
I Should Be So Lucky!
What is a black mamba?
Well, where are your?
Where are your?
Your parents?
Where? Your mum?
No.
How? How old are you?
Um, I have 19.
- You're not!
- Yes, 19.
- Younger than you, Kay!
- That's bollocks!
How many lines does a limerick have?
You gave me the answer 14.
Now, as far as I know,
a limerick only has five lines.
Where did you get the answer 14 from?
Why are you here?
- I hope she's not looking for a job!
- Kay!
- There's no jobs, is there?
- Shut up, Kay! Why here?
My brother Yousuf here, UK.
- Joseph?
- Is he fit, Joseph?
Um my brother Josie SMS me.
Um my phone break.
Um I phone?
Don't see why not.
The number you have dialled
- Kayla? - You
- Kay? They're coming for us!
It's not recognised.
Ow! They're
- No, no, no. Um - Kayla? - I remember.
- No, no. It's the wrong number.
- No, I remember.
- No number.
- Wrong number.
- Facebook.
- Well, where is your?
- No!
- Joseph? - Facebook! - They're coming for us!
- She wants to look at cats.
- No, she don't want to look at cats!
- Yes, Facebook!
Look, look, here you go.
Oi, please, Bradley,
we don't have bikes in the house!
- Dad, she needs our help.
- Not now. Up, all of you! Come on!
- Did you not hear what I just said?
- She can't stay here!
- Her name is Rita, Mr Green.
- I don't care what her name is, Bradley.
- She's looking for her brother.
- You don't understand what's going on!
- We've actually been speaking to her.
- Don't speak to me like that!
OK, I say this, please. I am a
- This
- I am forlorn.
My phone is defeated.
I need just to make my phone
vigorous, then I will disperse.
Full stop.
Text me.
Adios, dickhead.
What is going on, Dad?
Why are you acting so weird?
Why did you tell Bradley about her?
Why is it a secret?
- It's not a secret, it's just
- She's going on about her phone.
- We're going to sort her phone.
- But she wants it now.
Look, Kayla, she can't stay here.
Didn't you hear me?
We've got to get her out.
She speaks Tigrinya.
What?
Listen, love, I'm in a bit of a pickle
and I've got to have some
time to just think
Oh!
Get down, get down!
- Get down!
- Dad, who is it?
Sh!
Oh, God!
Nobody move!
This man for me!
This man for me!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Ring it again!
Are you deaf?
I just rang it, didn't I?
- So?
- Have away!
Stop grinding your teeth!
I'm not.
I can hear it.
Well, go round the back.
- You go!
- No, you.
You lost her!
She's not here.
She'll be in London by now!
That's what I said!
- Yeah, well
- Told you this was a waste of time!
This is bollocks!
- Fancy a pint?
- Pub?
- Your round.
- No, no, no.
I got the shots at the end last night.
Ohhhh
Dad, when's dinner?
Give me a minute.
You're the only star
in my blue heaven
And you're shining just for me
You're the only star
in my blue heaven
And in dreams your face I see
You're the guiding light
That brightens up the night
And till you come in sight
my heart is lonely ♪