Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- The 1980s was all about
"The Sally Jessy Raphael Show."
She was a white
lady with three names,
two shoulder pads,
and one concept
worrying people about nothing.
Bye, Mom.
- Okay.
Be safe out there,
Drew, Chris, or Tonya.
- Up next, we're gonna discuss
the dangers of brothers
who aren't friends.
- Distant siblings today,
crackheads and
murderers tomorrow.
- Why aren't you and Drew
going to school together?
- Uh, we don't
really hang out there.
- What? Y'all ain't
friends at school?
Do you want him to be
a crackhead murderer?
- No?
- You and your brother
should be inseparable,
like best friends.
- I don't want him ending
up in the wrong crowd.
You better stick to each
other like Cain and Abel.
- She just read "The
Bible for Dummies."
Why? Drew's
friends are harmless.
Most of them belong to a dojo.
- Dojo one day,
white blow the next.
It's your job to
look out for him.
And if you don't, you're
gonna have to look out for this.
Drew! Wait.
Wouldn't it be fun if you
rode the bus today with me?
Please?
- Mm, okay, sure.
Go on without me.
all: Aw.
- This is the worst
day of my life.
Crap.
Jerome's out on the stoop today.
- What's up, little dude
from across the street?
Let me hold a dollar.
Oh, my Black Jesus.
Let me give you a dollar.
- Uh?
- Thanks.
This will replace the
one I lost doing magic.
- And here's a little something
for you, Drew's brother.
Ow. What the f
Shoot.
♪
No seats.
- Here you go, Drew.
Take mine.
Here, Drew.
Please, sit.
- Whoo!
- Next, Nancy Reagan shows
us how to give the perfect
- Tonya, don't go yet.
Now that Drew is
going to Chris's school,
you'll be the first
one home every day.
So we've decided you're
ready for your own key.
By the power of this key,
I am a grown-up!
I can't believe it.
My little girl's a latchkey kid.
- Finally.
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
- Hold on. This is
a big responsibility.
We're trusting you
to let yourself in
and mind the house alone.
- Don't flash the key
around, don't let anyone in,
and keep all the
windows and doors locked.
- You think burglars
don't know how to climb?
Their hands are
good for two things
climbing and burglaring.
Okay, get going. Love you, baby.
Ah!
- Son of a bitch.
- And now we're gonna
hear from a parent
whose son chased
a slinky off a bridge.
- Rochelle, guess what I got.
- I know what you got.
It got me three kids.
- No.
It's a two-for-one coupon
for that seafood place
that also plays baseball games.
Catch of the Day.
Let's do a date night there.
- I'm not going to no
seafood restaurant.
Sally Jessy did an episode where
a beautiful, hardworking
mother of three ate fish,
and do you know what happened?
- She thanked her
husband for dinner?
- She got gills, Julius.
You won't catch me
eating no fish ever again.
Why don't you take
one of your friends?
- Friends?
I got three kids,
two jobs, one wife,
and zero seconds of free time.
Adult friends are
for rich people.
- Oh, come on.
You've got plenty of friends.
Well, what about
Well, have fun at work, sweetie.
♪
- You didn't get robbed.
You got a seat on
the bus, and the driver
gave you a lollipop?
- Weird, right?
- Weird great.
When you're with Drew, you
get trickle-down popularity.
His trickles are all over you.
- I don't want his
trickles if it means
I'm just known as
"Drew's brother."
- Look, it's already happening,
and we gotta reap the benefits.
I guess if people
see me with him,
they'll think I'm cool too.
- Exactly.
People will think
we're cool too.
'Sup, girl?
I'm Drew's brother's
brother from another mother.
- Hmm.
Before there was
"American Ninja Warrior,"
my dad was the American
no-time-for-friends warrior.
♪
He dodged situations
that could lead to friendship
like Wesley Snipes dodged taxes.
- Morning, Julius.
My one-man show "The
Great Fatsby" is this weekend.
- I'd love for you to come!
- Did you hear?
My doctor said the
leaking is totally normal.
Julius, I need your help.
I just backed my truck
into one of our co
Howdy.
Damn it!
- Uh-oh.
- Who are you?
- The name's Romeo.
First day.
Yeah, you know, uh,
bosses said it'll take a week
to get my truck
ready and, uh, to, uh,
tack on my
deliveries onto yours.
Heh. Yeah.
Okay.
- Hey. I was just
looking for you.
Wanna go on a date with us?
- Date?
Yes!
Oh, God, I never thought
this would happen for me.
- We meant with Drew.
- Cool. Sounds like fun.
- But you can come, too
Drew's brother.
- Greg was right.
Even if it meant being
stuck in Drew's shadow
and seen as Drew's
brother, I didn't care,
because Drew's
brother had a date.
Well, Drew had
it, but I'd be there,
and he can't multitask.
If I don't get inside,
Mama's gonna kill me,
Mr. Omar's gonna
have to plan my funeral.
Mr. Omar!
That's it!
- W what's it?
What did you find?
- Oh, hey, Kill Moves.
I figured out how to
get into the apartment
before Mama's done
with her errands.
And I just remembered
Mr. Omar always comes home
at 3:15 to console a widow.
- Excuse me.
I'm being summoned
by my dark lord.
- Thanks, Mr. Omar.
See you tomorrow at 3:15.
- Actually, Miss
Tonya, no, you will not.
I'll be at a casket
convention in Atlantic City.
Tragic!
Atlantic City? What?
- Come on, sweet cheeks.
Let's fill that
hole in your heart.
- How was your day, baby?
- Informative.
I watched a Sally Jessy episode
about how men can get pregnant;
they just choose not to.
That's great.
Oh, God, am I pregnant?
We can't afford a new baby.
We can't afford our old babies!
- Julius, calm down.
I wanna hear about your day.
- Oh. I had coffee,
ate half a donut.
Shared my truck with
a guy named Romeo,
ate the other half of the donut.
Hold up.
- You have a truck buddy?
That's great, baby.
What's he like?
What y'all talk about?
- Uh
- Julius, that poor man
didn't ask to be stuck with you.
The least you could
do is be nice to him.
- The least you can
do is let me sleep.
- Sally Jessy also said
men who sass their wives
mysteriously disappear.
See you in the morning.
Maybe.
- Eep.
- Where's that damn spare key?
- Tonya, what are you doing?
- Nothing, Mama.
I thought you were out.
What are you doing?
- Walking around in my house.
Ooh, I'm glad you
haven't left for school yet.
Come here.
This meat needs to
thaw before dinner.
I have a hair
appointment this afternoon,
so I need you to
put it in the oven
right when you get home at
2:30 and not a minute after.
The second worst
thing after a burglar
is salmonella, the
burglars of meat.
- Yes, Mama.
Crap.
Now how am I gonna get in today?
The window.
Tonya, this is why
you're everyone's favorite.
- Phil Hartman
might be the funniest
"SNL" cast member right now.
- What?
Eddie Murphy's the all-time best
for that James
Brown sketch alone.
Uh, good God!
- Eddie Murphy
is the all-time best
for that James
Brown sketch alone.
- Uh, that's what I just said.
Hello? Can you guys hear me?
By being in Drew's shadow,
I ended up with
no identity at all.
I was like the Asian
dude in Black Eyed Peas.
- Hey, Drew.
Where's Drew's brother?
- Brandy! I'm right here!
- Yeah, I haven't seen
Drew's brother all day.
- Hello.
Drew's brother,
right behind you.
- Mm, that's too bad.
I was gonna let him take
me out and pay for everything,
but for some
reason, I just don't
feel like using him anymore.
- No!
Morning, Julius.
- Ah.
both: Coffee, sugar,
cream, cream, cream.
- Huh.
We're cream brothers.
- Ew.
- The least you
can do is be nice.
Don't you stir me away, Ju
- Romeo, uh, if you get a
coffee when they restock,
you can take a few
extra Styrofoam cups.
Never mind.
- You know, um, if you come
between 8:50 and 9:00 a.m.,
you can take the day-old
donuts before they're trashed.
I'm pretty cheap.
- Me too.
- You ever made
your own toothbrush?
- Why?
I got a perfectly
good one right here.
- Damn.
- Greg, can you see me?
- Yes.
Uh, why wouldn't I be able to?
- Because no one else can. Wait.
Maybe you can see me
because you're an even
bigger loser than I am.
- Yeah, exactly.
Wait, I don't want that.
- Being Drew's brother
has made me a nobody,
and I need to figure out
how to get out of his shadow.
- Okay, but would you
rather go back to being
a skinny nerd that
everyone hates?
- What? No. Both
are terrible options.
I wanna have my own cool thing.
That day I tried
anything and everything
to create a new identity.
Backpack in front guy!
- No.
- Literal class clown guy.
- No.
- Damn it.
Antihero teen heartthrob guy.
- No one's gonna buy that.
- Hey, guys. What's up?
Oh, good God!
Chris, that was dope.
You guys, check this out.
- Uh
It's too hot in the hot tub.
Eddie Murphy?
- That's funny.
- Hey, you're
really good at that.
- Wow, you did it.
You're out of Drew's shadow,
and you found your
own personality.
Doing an impression of a guy
doing an impression
of another guy.
If there's a burglar, I'll
cut your burgling hands.
♪
That's what I thought.
- Our next guests are
the four elderly prostitutes
who inspired "Golden Girls."
- What are you doing home?
- I finished my
deliveries early,
and I've wanted to
nap before going back.
- How nice.
Did a certain new friend
have something to do with it?
- He might have.
- Just say I was right, Julius.
- Of course you were right.
Romeo and I actually
have a lot in common.
In fact, we're getting dinner.
- Oh, that's great, baby,
especially 'cause
now I don't have to go.
I bet his wife would be
happy to have a night
to herself too.
- Oh, no wife.
He's single.
- Nope.
Can't ever see him again.
- Rochelle, you can't tell
me who I can and can't see.
- Julius, single men
his age are trouble.
They go to strip
clubs, have weird pets.
Their lips are always chapped.
- Rochelle, that's crazy.
Let me guess
that's what Sally said?
You gotta watch something else.
- She said you would say that.
- I think you're overreacting.
Look at that.
Nap time's over. Back to work.
- Oh.
- My man works so hard,
and I wish I hadn't
pushed him to make friends.
Now he has no jobs,
two wives, and six kids.
- To think this wouldn't
have happened
if you let your man
live his life, Rochelle.
- You don't know me, Sally.
I'm done.
- Chris, I heard you do
a good Eddie Murphy.
I love him.
He's the right kinda you people.
Stand up and let me see it.
- Okay.
If you insist.
Do you think we got a pop quiz?
Ah, ah. I think
we got a pop quiz.
Good God! Hey!
Ow.
- You're not funny.
The only reason
people are laughing
is 'cause Drew told them to.
You suck, James Black.
- That's funny?
What the hell?
It's closed!
Oh, no.
The meat burglars.
all:
♪
Salmonella! Salmonella!
- If that salmonella don't
kill me, my mama will.
- Did you tell people to
laugh at my impressions?
- Yeah. What's the big deal?
- Do you know how that feels?
♪
The big deal is that
it's embarrassing.
- Well, Mom asked me
to look out for you, so
- But I'm your older brother.
I'm the one who's supposed
to be looking out for you.
- How could you look out for me?
- Hey!
As Sensei Jason says,
hugs before shoves,
but shoves deserve shoves.
crowd: Drew! Drew! Drew!
- I hate going to
school with you.
You ripped my favorite shirt.
Oh, that was an accident.
- Ah!
If that kick had
been one inch lower,
I wouldn't have kids.
- I'm so busted.
- What you doing,
little unfunny dude
from across the street sister?
- I lost my house key
and can't get back in.
My parents are gonna be pissed.
- No problem, shorty.
I got you.
Jerome!
You broke our window!
- You're welcome.
♪
- This isn't the last of us!
Now, how do I
blame this on Chris?
- Hey-hey, Big J.
- Ah, excited for tonight.
You know, your,
uh your boy here
doesn't go out to
restaurants that much.
- You're married to your job.
Hell, I would
be, too, if I hadn't
already married Rochelle.
- No, because I just
eat at the strip club.
- Oh.
- Speaking of, let me say thanks
for dinner by taking
you to dessert at, uh,
Jiggle 'n Juice.
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come on, they have
unlimited breasts and thighs.
And chicken.
The cover is 50 bucks,
but you get ten minutes
in the Rosé Room.
- $50?
I thought you said
you were cheap.
- I am so I can spend
money on my true passions.
Strippers, sparkling
wine, and my jaguar.
- You drive a Jaguar?
- No! The animal.
Ah, not supposed to have
it in my apartment, but, God,
he's barely attacked
anyone but me.
- Whoa. Ugh.
Romeo, I'm a family man.
So, sadly, I'm
gonna have to take
a forever rain
check on all that.
- Guess we can, uh, only
be work friends, then, huh?
♪
Uh, I should go see
if my truck's ready.
- Hey, we'll always have
coffee, sugar,
cream, cream, cream.
- Yeah.
Hey, Marquis!
See you at the Jiggle?
- Hmm, what happened
to Drew's shirt?
And why are you
holding your nuts?
- Uh, Drew and I got
into a fight about
oh, never mind.
It's none of your business.
Boys, groceries!
I envy you boys.
It's hard making new friends.
The older you get, the less in
common you have with folks.
All the friends I had when
I was younger are gone.
Some moved, some
died, some became cops.
You boys are lucky
you have each other.
A brother's someone
you always have time for.
He's a built-in friend.
- Like you and Uncle Louis?
- No. That
chiropractor show-off.
He can rot in fake doctor hell,
right next to the
podiatrists and dentists.
- Okay, my bad. Jeez.
- Boys, go wash up for dinner.
I'll help your
dad with the rest.
- Did you say something
to Dad, you narc?
- No.
He's probably just
reflecting on his day, fool.
- Hey, baby.
- You were right.
- I know.
About what?
- Let's just say me and Romeo
are only gonna be work friends.
I guess I won't be using this.
- Pfft. You think we're rich?
We can't waste a coupon.
Date night?
- Ah.
Dinner with my
best friend and wife?
Best two-for-one there is.
- He had a pet tiger, didn't he?
- Nope.
- Panther?
Leopard. Snow leopard.
- Aw, thanks for helping.
It's nice to be
able to rely on you.
- Oh, Mama, if only you could.
I I feel awful, Mama. Awful.
I had to break a
window to get in and
- You what?
- Drew and Chris
got into a fight,
and the thought of
my brothers fighting
broke my heart so much that
I forgot where I put my key,
and I got locked out.
- Oh, baby, it's okay.
Go ask Daddy, and
he'll get you another key.
- Tonya got away with it again.
But I got her back
on her wedding day.
I upstaged her by
just showing up.
- Excuse me.
I need to deal
with your brothers.
- So, uh, is your
shirt ripped that bad?
- Nah. I'm sure
Mom could fix it.
Are your, you know, okay?
- I don't know yet.
It's like they're
morphed into one.
We admitted
respect for each other
the way every man
does with his friends,
by not admitting a damn thing.
- You were fighting?
I told both of you
to stick together
so you wouldn't
get in trouble and
both: It's my fault.
- So if you're
gonna punish us
- You'll have to
punish both of us.
- Sticking together now, huh?
Well, I'm glad my
boys are friends.
- But that ain't how this works.
Chris, you're the oldest,
and you should set a better
example for your brother.
You know better.
Drew, leave us.
I'm gonna slap you
into next Tuesday.
- Well, Sally, I was
just sitting there
on a random Tuesday,
and then this other
Chris showed up.
But there can be only one.
singers: Everybody
still hates Chris ♪