Gnomes (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

1
The Gnome Queen was stolen last night.
Get those kids and bring that queen back here.
Everyone thinks I'm stealing gnomes.
Well, I'm gonna prove them all wrong.
What are you not telling me, Arnold?
I went by the hall and the Gnome Queen
was definitely still there.
This is clearly bigger
than a stolen garden gnome.
Rosie?
Rosie.
It's OK. I'll get you out of here. Alright?
Quick, Rosie! Move!
Rosie! Where are you going?
Zayn!
Mm-mm.
I'll do it.
I think we killed it.
Think Dad'll notice?
We've really got to get him on ice.
Oh!
Oh, God.
- Dev, your mouth was open.
- Yeah.
Arnold, come on. This guy's starting to turn.
I know. I wanted to keep him
up till Forensics got here,
but there's no signal, still.
- Have you got anything?
- Let me see. Arnold?
- No. Nothing.
- No?
Anything?
Not so much as a bloody fingerprint.
- It's beyond bizarre.
- Have you watched this,
- by the way?
- Oh, that was good.
It was really good, hey?
I did not get the ending.
We got a mutilated body,
but no physical evidence,
no suspects, no leads.
I'm sorry, but Gnome-a-Palooza cannot go ahead.
OK.
- Leave it with me.
- Good. Thank you.
Oh!
Devon, mouth shut!
No more touching the body.
That one got in my eyes.
Arnold!
We have a situation here.
I've just been asked live on air
why there's so many cops
at the video store. I panicked.
I told them you were coming
down hard on late fees,
- but I think I made it worse.
- Here you go!
Take them!
So when can we, you know,
sort of wrap all this up?
Sir, someone's been murdered.
Allegedly.
We need to talk.
I understand you were under the pump, Arnold,
I really do, but I just need to make sure
that your priorities are in check.
Remember, no Gnome Queen, no Nompton.
Yes, I have not forgotten, sir.
'Allo, your Mayorness!
Officer Kipps! Just getting
me jumbo monarchy gnomes
- to the festival.
- Wow. Yeah.
I'm plum chuffed. Our beautiful gnomes
will finally get the attention they deserve.
Oh, golly, I just love 'em.
- I really do.
- Good chat.
Off you pop now. Bye-bye now.
He's dirty.
Between you and I, you don't think
he's on any lists, do you?
Now, here's the plan, right?
You find the Gnome Queen
before Brant Sanders gets here,
and I keep the festival on track.
Sir, I am really sorry.
The festival needs to be shut down.
Shut down?!
I heard that your super is in town.
Now, I could put in a good word for you -
if everything goes to plan, that is.
Er, what exactly do you mean by that?
Well, nothing. You find Her Majesty,
how can I help but sing your praises, mm?
Are you bribing me?
What? No.
You just winked.
No, I didn't.
- Sir!
- Right.
I can leave this in your safe hands. Deal?
for over four minutes.
You're such a good listener.
The drool is weird, though.
Ahem. Hey, Arnold.
- Ellie, hi. Sorry, this is
- Stefanie.
Hi. I was just telling Arnie
about my pool party tonight.
You can come too, if you want.
Thanks. I'm not gonna come.
Well, not with that attitude, you won't.
Well, if you will excuse Arnold and I,
we have some work to do.
OK. Well, I'll see you later.
Swimsuit optional.
- Bye!
- Wow.
- I
- I don't want to know.
Just tell me we're clearing the square.
So, er, well, Lachlan's made
an interesting point,
and I think we're keeping
the festival open, for now.
Are you kidding me? Arnold!
You said you would handle this!
Arn, what are we doing with the body?
Look, if we're gonna stick to protocol,
which I think we should
Thank you, Kevin.
I've got this. Um
Yes. OK. Josie, you get the body somewhere cold.
Just quickly. And then
And then, and then you should
just keep watching the hall.
Devon, you keep trying to get hold of Forensics.
- I'm going after Henrickson.
- Are you kidding me?
What? He could be in trouble,
or involved in all this.
Josie literally found a torch
with his blood on it.
Yeah. You sure it has nothing to do with
your precious Gnome Queen?
He was the last person to see her, wasn't he?
I don't see you coming up with any ideas.
"Get the body somewhere cold"?
We don't have a morgue.
Where the hell does he think
we're gonna stash a?
Oh
You don't want this. Trust me,
this is bad ice cream.
Fuck off!
Alright, now just give it a second.
Come out! Show yourself!
I know you're the one stealing the gnomes!
Jesus.
OK, now this has gotta be fake.
Like, you faked it.
That looked pretty real to me.
Oh come on, Jenny.
What's your problem, mate?
You. You're my problem.
You know, in case you haven't
noticed, Zayn, you're actually
- everyone's problem.
- Dyl!
- What?
- OK, I get it.
I'm an arsehole. Mum abandoned us,
so I take out my frustration with sporadic acts
of petty violence and low
to mid-level property damage.
Um, where did that come from?
There's a new counsellor at school.
Listen, you all like Rosie.
- Ask her.
- He's not lying.
- They're real.
- OK.
Um, we need to tell Lucky.
- Lucky?
- Officer Kipps.
Well, you really think we can trust him?
I know we can.
Alright. Fine.
We go and see Arnold. But if you are lying,
then he can deal with you.
Oh, come on. You really date that flop?
What? No. We're not dating.
Thanks for taking my side in all this.
- Look, it's complicated.
- Oh!
How is it complicated?
Someone has been killed.
I would like it if no-one else is killed.
- It's quite simple.
- Well, there is a lot more
going on here than you realise.
- Like what?
- Like
Come on. This is a small town.
We have smalltown attitudes
and smalltown values and
And a cop with a really small
You have no idea what cancelling
the festival could do. And unlike some people,
I still care about Nompton.
Sorry, excuse me?
Admit it. You never cared about this place.
You didn't care about the gnomes or the people.
You couldn't wait to get out.
No, WE couldn't wait to get out, Arnold.
Remember? We.
Mr Henrickson!
I'm sorry. Is this uncomfortable for you, Arnold?
Me reminding you of
all the promises that you made?
Well, you know what? You're right.
Yeah, right. I never loved this
place like you did, Arnold,
because unlike you, I wasn't the golden child.
- I was the poor kid in the
- Mr Henrickson!
shit clothes with the drunk dad.
But if you think for one second
that I do not care about
this place or these people,
you are so, just so, so wrong!
Answer the fucking door!
I'm gonna check out the back.
Zayn - "Help! I have a troubled
teen." Your dad could use that.
Or "Pregnant and under arrest."
Hey, that's perfect for your mum.
Nompton Pol
Hey, Bev, can you please
check just one more time?
Sorry, Jennifer. He mustn't be near his radio.
We are very busy, busy, busy.
Lots of vital police-y stuff.
You wouldn't get it.
Oh, God.
Bev, we've got a certain you-know-what
In the ice-cream truck, so I need you
to take care of 50 litres of ice cream.
It's melting in the staff room.
I've eaten as much as I can.
- Yes, ma'am.
- I need to go.
Oh, God.
I'm gonna throw up.
- Susan! Um, can you please?
- Not a great time, love.
Oi, oi, oi! Hey, you work here?
Well, well, who do we have here?
Superintendent Harvey Poll,
but you can call me Harv.
Unless that's too informal.
Maybe even a touch inappropriate.
Go off, bestie. What's the skinny?
OK, well, no-one says that,
but, uh, this is Zayn, and he thinks
that there's killer garden gnomes on the loose,
and he's got footage and everything.
Oh, big yikes. How's the home life, Zayn?
Because that sounds delulu.
- Excuse me?
- Dyl,
we are showing Arnold. We can trust him.
- It's fine.
- So, Kipps?
Arnold Kipps.
I'm sorry to put him on blast
like this, but Kipps is mid.
Show yourself!
I know you're the one stealing the gnomes!
- Wow.
- Help!
You're clearly creative AF
and you've whipped up something
that hits different. Imagination is, after all,
the most rizz thing you youngsters possess.
Well done.
They're not lying.
You're going to have to speak up, little man.
I'm a girl.
Oh, my God, I'm I'm so sorry.
I didn't know and I, uh,
I categorically deny misgendering you.
I mean, what even is gender, right?
Oh
Oh, God.
I'll watch your tape.
OK. Let's Yeah, let's go.
No-one here is going to help us, eh?
- I can.
- No, it's alright.
- Thank you, though.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Bev.
- You need me to come, or?
- No, it's alright. Thank you.
- Oh, we have ice cream, but
Mr Henrickson?
You have no new messages and no saved messages.
Arnold!
Bring me my hatchet.
Wake up. Wake up.
Arnold? Can you hear me?
Jesus, Arnold!
You alright?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm
I'm OK. Sorry.
How long do your hangovers normally last?
And And do you see things?
- What?
- Nothing.
Jesus, Arnold.
When did you last eat? Are you alright?
A while ago.
No-one even checked in on him, El.
Come on.
We've got all the flavours!
Hey.
- Hey.
- Um, sorry about before.
- Dyl is just
- A vicious little shit.
I was going for "complicated".
But you've basically
tormented him his entire life,
so what do you expect? He's intimidated.
What about you?
What do you mean?
Are you intimidated by me?
Hey. OK. Um, I reckon Lucky's
around here somewhere,
- so let's
- Are you still looking
for Arnold? Come on. Jenny, he's just gonna say
the same thing that that weird cop said.
Zayn is making this shit up.
Oh, fuck, I'm sick of your shit, mate.
- Oi!
- We need that!
- Made me drop my camera!
- Oi!
- You little turd.
- Mayor, can I just?
Ah-ah-ah! Shtum!
What have you done with the Gnome Queen, huh?
Oh, you want to know what's happening
with the gnomes around here? Fine, I'll show you.
Wait!
You idiot!
You can't push me! I'm the Mayor!
Officer!
- Officer, arrest this man!
- Get your hands off my son!
- Oh, come on.
- Your son is a criminal.
- OK, who started this?
- Him.
Zayn.
Alright, Zayn, Rosie, outside. Now!
Oh, come on!
- You are an idiot.
- Come on!
Oh, Christ on a biscuit, it's Brant Sanders.
Sanders?
You know, I heard he had two
ribs removed so he could
That was never proven.
Hey, remember, bra, you're
on your last warning, yeah?
So any more incidents, you're done.
Dougie, Dougie, you got nothing to worry about.
- I'm a changed man.
- Hello. Welcome to Nompton.
My name is Mayor Lachlan Morrison.
A-ha-ha! Lachie!
Hi - Brant Sanders. I am thrilled to be here.
Sir, I
Cop! Oh
Ooh, a lady cop.
You know, officer,
this might be the first time
where I wouldn't mind
getting screwed by the police.
Ooh. Was it something I said?
Oh, bra.
Now, listen, Lach.
I'm gonna need a hero shot of your Gnome Queen.
Oh, really? Right right now? Right, yeah
Hey, look, it's the doughnut truck.
Oh, no.
- What? No.
- You said I should eat!
Yeah, I said food, Arnold, not doughnuts.
They're filled with jam, Ellie,
jam. That's a fruit, basically.
- That's healthy.
- We don't have time.
We have, uh, Nutella, raspberry jam.
- Uh, caramel, plain, I guess.
- I still don't want one.
No, I know you want Which one do you want?
- I don't want one.
- What was that?
You You want a whole bag of doughnuts?
I said I don't want one.
Sorry, I couldn't
Two bags of doughnuts
for Sergeant Greedy Guts in the car.
Jim.
Jan?
- Oh, jeepers.
- Your Mayorness.
Oh! Tobias.
Oh, dear God. I do appreciate this, Tobias.
She'll have to do until we find the real one.
Or until she finds you.
You're a hard man to like.
Now up!
Come on, dammit!
What are you doing?
Trying to send a photo,
but there's no bloody reception in here.
Photo of what?
- My
- Brant?
Gross.
Here he is!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Gnome-a-Palooza!
Hello?
Anyone in here?
It's the police. So, uh
hands up.
It's now time for me to introduce to you
your old friend, and my new alibi,
Mayor Lachlan Morrison!
Not an alibi. No, no.
No.
I remember when the town was abuzz with activity,
when you used to say, "There's
no place like Gnometon."
Or was it "Gnome place like Nompton? That was it.
Remember before the bypass went in
and we all used to play Marco Polo in the swamp?
Oh, Christ. Fucking
Somebody forgot to flush.
What the fuck?
Arnold?!
Arnold?!
Who's driving the car?
No-one?
Run!
- This way!
- This way!
Ellie, watch out!
We're behind you.
Use your gun!
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Aim for the tires!
Take the shot!
What the fuck?
- He's got a whip!
- What?!
He whipped me!
Shit!
Your gun!
- Your gun!
- Take the shot!
Take the shot!
I got it!
Fuck!
What happened?
You're not gonna believe this.
Thank you, too kind, too kind.
And now, without further ado,
allow me to present the oldest gnome on Earth -
the Gnome Queen!
- Is this a joke?
- Oh, God.
Kill me!
Oh, this is terrifying.
- Mother of God!
- I want my money back!
Put it away! That's enough of that.
- That's enough of that.
- You just lost my vote!
Put it on there, you fool!
Well, well.
Nompston's dynamic duo.
Sir! What are you doing here?
I'm getting my Ks in. Gotta keep this rig tight.
- Mind if I stretch?
- Don't Well God.
- Is this a hangover thing?
- No. This is very real.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
- What?
- My privilege.
Hell, I let it cloud my judgement.
Those kids, our future leaders,
they tried to show me, but I was blind.
What an idiot - a handsome idiot - I've been.
Oh!
Where are your sidearms?
Gnomes got 'em.
Then we do this the fun way.
Why have you got nunchucks?!
Why don't you?
OK. We attack as one.
- Yes, sir.
- Moving together.
- One mind, one body.
- Absolutely not.
One
It is now my great pleasure
to declare Gnome-a-Palooza
Oh, for fuck's sake. Oh, come on!
Screaming Eagle, now!
Ha-ha-ha!
Come on!
Someone's been playing with this.
It's Berty Henrickson!
Sir! Spinning Cockroach?
Show me the way home.
Duck!
Tell your friends.
I chased them away.
Nice work, Kipps. We'll make
an eagle out of you yet.
Uh, Harvey?
Arnold?
- Go!
- What?
No, no, we're not leaving you.
- Eloise.
- Harvey
Eloise.
You're the best damn
policewoman I ever worked with.
I mean police person.
Officer. Shit.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Harvey!
- Harvey, wait!
Oh! Prison rules, eh?
No, I need that to live!
OK, we need to go.
- No!
- Wait, wait, wait!
Yes!
It's in my eye!
- I'm driving!
- It's in my eye!
Unlock the door. Unlock the door!
It's all over my head!
What the fuck?!
Going to need backup. Need backup.
Hello? This is Patrol Car One.
I need I need backup.
Requesting backup, Bev.
Oh, my God.
Too much ice cream - I think I'm gonna
What?!
What is going on?
Oh. Er
Er, Arnold?
Look at me. Where are the keys?
In my pocket. Pocket
Coo-ee!
Oh, you two-faced bitch.
OK
Arnold, no. No, no, no, no!
Arnold, wake up, wake up!
Look at me. Stay with me.