Ground Up (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Hi, Alistair.
Where are you with the location
for the training and admin base?
I'm just waiting on a couple
of reports on that.
Make it a priority.
What the fuck
have you two been doing?
You haven't got a song
or a cheer squad
or a location for the training
and admin centre.
We have a perfectly good
location for it in Kingston.
We are spending a lot of money.
How do we justify
to Tasmanian taxpayers
all this premature infrastructure?
Build it and they will come
to realise they might
as well use it.
Can you do whatever it takes
to get one of your government mates
to lock in Kingston?
A much grander, major
infrastructure project down that way
would shore up your electoral
position there, though, wouldn't it?
We want a stadium.
We need a stadium.
Tasmanians have had a bloody gutful
of your stadium!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And you can stick it up your bum!
Prime Minister, we need $670 million
for health funding now.
Well, I was kind of hoping
that we could have a stadium
and a health system.
(PHONE BUZZES, RINGS)
Oh, uh, could you just, um
hang on a sec?
DESTINY: Returning
your call, Premier.
Uh, we need that budget revised down
and if we don't get it by Friday,
you are in breach
of the development agreement.
OK. Bye. (ENDS CALL)
Shit sticks.
Unanimous choice as our first
Hmm. What's a better word
than 'first'?
'Inaugural'. Inaugural coach.
Why use a simple word
when you can make yourself
sound like an intellectual?
Rhetorical question, obviously,
Jameson.
Yeah. Of course. Why?
Is my day looking any
less insane today?
It's full but doable.
Although I have got you out of town
for a sponsorship pitch
while you're here doing
the coach press conference.
Have you organised the doppelganger?
No, it's just finger food.
Did your mum say anything about
the new coach?
Just that she and the board thought
that there
were six better candidates
but you pushed hard for your man.
This is where
I start to put my stamp
on the culture of this place,
Jameson.
What are you doing?
Just celebrating your masterful work
in securing the land at Kingston
for our training and admin centre.
What? Hugh
Settle down.
It's non-alcoholic.
It's 8:45.
What time are you allowed to start
having non-alcoholic drinks?
It's no different
to drinking orange juice or coffee.
So why don't you drink orange juice
or coffee?
'Cause I like the taste of this.
The wine taste?
The non-alcoholic wine taste.
It's a shocking look.
(BLEEPING)
Alistair's in the waiting room.
Oh, thanks.
I'll have to handball one
of my appointments to you.
My morning's blown out.
Oh, some urgent decanting come up.
I'm announcing our coach, Destiny,
so I'll need
you to do my sponsorship pitch.
Me? The Premier's already dumped
the revised budget in my lap.
I'm not a human in-tray.
Is it true?
What's that?
Labor down there have rolled over.
They're now backing the stadium.
Yeah, yeah. We found out yesterday.
Well, that makes life a bit easier,
not having to deal with those
mono-browed crossbench
simpletons any more.
Uh, you've got clear air now to get
the stadium up and running,
the T & A centre.
Except the Greens
are trying to overcome
their complete political
pointlessness
Morning, Alistair.
..by ramping up a campaign about
the costs and spending priorities.
You've just gotta hose that
horse-shit down, don't you?
Yeah, that's all, Alistair,
in the state with the most
rooted economy in the country.
How are you?
Good.
But this is going
to invigorate their economy.
Yeah, I'm good too, thanks.
Haven't you explained that you've
got to spend money to make money?
First you've got to make the money
you're going to spend to make money.
So you spend money
to make that money
you're going to spend to make money.
But you've got to make the money
you're going to spend
to make the money you spend
to make the money.
This conversation
could outlive the sun.
Listen, if you started stitching up
some bloody sponsorships,
people might see you're not
completely reliant
on the public treat
and the new
coach will obviously help there.
And the other thing
is you need to find a woman.
Which woman?
I'm not talking about
a missing person.
You need to find a woman - or man -
for a relationship.
What? Why?
This'll be good.
Because you'll be going to B&Fs,
Brownlows, official functions
and if you're not seen with
a woman - or man -
people would think you're
some sort of freak or deviant,
uh, pleasuring yourself
all the time.
Oh!
Can't a man - or a woman - or
someone non-binary just be single?
No. People think it's weird.
But they won't think it's weird
if he contrives a loveless,
dysfunctional relationship.
Well, I'm not proposing it be a
dysfunctional relationship, Destiny,
as inevitable as that probably is.
It's about the optics.
Good luck down there on Love Island.
Later.
JAMESON: He's nice, isn't he?
Business types like him
wouldn't last five minutes
in the public service.
You're a real dream-crusher.
Right.
So, who's the potential sponsor,
what's the pitch and
what about my budget?
Destiny, this is a golden opportunity
to challenge the widely held belief
that you would flounder hopelessly
in the business community.
Oh, thank you.
Pump up the fact that our coach
is getting announced today.
And this time, try to remember
that businesses, like Salmania,
are more open to becoming sponsors
if you don't accuse them
of poisoning us all.
What if they are poisoning us?
Get them on board
as club sponsors first.
We'll worry about the genocide later.
Oh, look out. Here she comes.
The human El Nino sucking the life
out of everything in her path,
leaving behind desiccated husks
of humanity.
I haven't had enough caffeine
for her.
Oh, and you and me,
meeting with Vodafone tomorrow
about the stadium naming rights.
Jesus, Hugh!
Uh, Destiny
Sorry, Catherine.
I need some water.
I got very dry.
Hugh, do you have five minutes
for an idea?
Catherine, I don't have
five minutes for a shit.
Right. Then I'll try later.
When you've had a shit.
You know, everything you've told us
about OpiTas,
your ethical guidelines,
your eco-friendly
manufacturing processes -
you're exactly the sort of
business we want to be aligned with.
Perfecto.
Opium poppies?
It's not the product.
It's the fact that you're
clean, green,
Tasmanian and successful.
It is an unusual proposal,
though, isn't it?
Because legally we can only supply
to the pharmaceutical industry.
Normally,
with these sorts of sponsorships,
you aim to generate more sales
directly to audience.
And in our case,
we'd be arrested for that.
Yes.
But there is also value
in you aligning yourselves
with a Tasmanian entity
that is going
to be enormously popular -
especially after the way your
reputation was totally shredded
by the opioid crisis.
And there's a real buzz
around the city today,
because we're announcing our coach.
So, you know,
we are essentially defining
the zeitgeist.
Oh, my God.
That's good.
Yeah, so it is the ideal time
to jump on board, Joanne.
Look, I'm not convinced by this
at all.
That said, we do love the footy
and I do like the idea of
supporting a Tasmanian project.
But look, can we start off small
and see how it goes?
Uhyeah! Why don't we start you
on the coach sponsorship?
You'll get invaluable exposure
right from today
and that's on the lower end,
isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's more a gesture, really.
Let's do that.
Lovely.
That one's $85,000.
Quite a sweeping gesture,
really, isn't it?
Almost a semaphore.
Yeah. So we'll just get
a little MOA under way.
Ooh, we could call the coach's box
the OpiTas Opium Den.
That's not happening.
"Along with more than 10 years
as a brilliant senior"
'Brilliant'. Maybe.
What's the thesaurus got?
'Cerebral' assistant coach.
'Clever-clogs' assistant.
'Egghead' assistant coach?
Hugh? Vamika Minette is here,
from the Greens.
Uh, I cancelled this meeting.
I rescheduled it.
Well, I have to prepare
for a press conference.
Well, this is the only slot I have
available for you today.
Right. Come in.
Have a seat. My door's always open.
Apparently.
Amazing.
So, I know that you already have
Actually, Vamika, it's quite timely
we have this meeting
because obviously,
the landscape has changed,
with Labor reversing their failed
election policy opposing the stadium,
although good on them for
sticking to their principles
for so, so many weeks.
So while we no longer need to
suck up to you for your vote,
or indeed listen to
any of the woke piffle
your party is eternally spewing out,
this does provide the opportunity
to give you a better idea
about the benefits
to the entire Tasmanian economy
of the proposed stadium
you so blindly oppose.
Before you do that, could I just ask
why we don't use the existing
20,000-capacity stadium
in Launceston,
instead of building
a 23,000-capacity stadium in Hobart?
Vamika, Launceston does not have
the population base
to support the team or the stadium.
The numbers simply do not stack up.
I'm glad you raised numbers.
May I?
Uh, well, just watch out for the
Uhrub that out, Jameson.
Quickly.
Uh, can I just check
that's not a permanent marker pen?
It's not.
Yeah.
It pays to check, though, I find.
Uh, I've actually suggested
to the manufacturers
that they distinguish the pens.
All clear.
Get on with it.
So, the State Government
has pledged nearly $400 million
for the new stadium build already,
so conservatively,
they're up for half a billion.
But if we just use the existing
stadium in Launceston,
an outlay of
no billion dollars,
then you could afford to give
20,000 people in Hobart
$40 each petrol money
to drive to every game in Launie
and back
and even if everyone drives
on their own,
that's $800,000 a game
times 11 games a year
You could do that for 50 years,
and you would still be ahead
on the Hobart Stadium build
by $50 million.
But how could you be sure
that people wouldn't just
spend the $40 on Powerball?
Or if they did spend it on petrol,
how could you be sure they'd
actually drive up to the game
and not to, you know, Battery World?
I'm not proposing
that we actually do this.
I'm pointing out
the economic stupidity
of building a stadium here.
Oh, right. Yeah, absolutely.
The press release detailing
all this goes out this afternoon.
If the Greens continue
to oppose the stadium,
hundreds of thousands
of people will hate you.
They already hate us.
My friends do.
There. Thank you.
Amazing.
Anyway, I interrupted you.
You wanted to say something
about the benefits
to the Tasmanian economy.
Oh, look, it's nothing
you'd be interested in.
Just, you know,
boosting economic activity
and increasing
the standard of living.
Creating jobs for Tasmanians.
Anyway, always good to talk.
Isn't it?
Angela wanted me to get some photos
of you and Hugh for Facebook.
Really?
Sure!
By the way, you're lucky soccer
got that land at Kingston
you wanted for your T & A facility.
What?
Soil tests show widespread
contamination.
I doubt it'll ever be used.
(SNAPS PHOTOS)
That really is incredibly lucky.
All good.
Goodbye.
See ya.
DESTINY: Jeff, if you put that
on the end of the email
Jamieson, rub that out. Quickly.
Kingston's fucked.
What?
It's contaminated.
Why didn't we do soil tests?
Because Alastair wasn't interested
in due diligence.
What am I going to tell him?
Instead of Kingston, what about
the old golf course at Rosny?
What you can tell him is
OpiTas are in for 85 grand.
85? No, no - I was looking for 250.
250? It's a coup getting 85!
There's nothing in it
for them commercially.
We can't make them
the official supplier of opium
to the great Southern Football Club!
Jesus.
More's the pity.
Jameson, grab me a spot
on ABC radio tomorrow.
I've gotta jump on this
Greens garbage.
Alright.
Time to make a little history.
Hugh, just wondering
if you've had a chance to shit.
Uh, no. Not yet. Nope.
Oh, goodness!
We're up?
We're good to go.
OK. Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
The club and myself are extremely
excited to announce today
that the inaugural coach
of the Great Southern Football Club
VFL team
is Luke Gorman.
(APPLAUSE)
Luke, who was the unanimous
choice of the board,
comes to us with over 200 games
of AFL experience as a player,
along with more than 10 years
as an effulgent senior assistant
coach at AFL level
and the board and I are
extremely confident
that we've made the right choice.
We're a brand-new club
with a brand-new approach.
You won't hear from us the
tired old platitudes
about focusing on the process
and execution
and letting the results
take care of themselves.
We've moved beyond that.
We'll be focusing on winning
from day one
and we know that Luke is committed
to delivering exactly that.
Luke.
Thanks, Hugh.
Uh, this is, of course,
a massive honour
and I'm extremely grateful that
the club has put its faith in me.
I
Look, first of all,
what Hugh just said
isn't strictly true.
Sorry, Hugh.
We certainly will be focusing
on process and execution.
Yes, just not at the expense
of winning, was my point.
Well, no, it absolutely
might be at the expense of winning.
Yeah, yeah. In the short term.
Well, I'm not putting
a time frame on it.
It, uhit's unhelpful
to focus on winning and losing.
It's a distraction from the things
that we are trying to achieve here,
like building a strong culture
that will attract and keep players
here in Hobart.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And of course, that will be much
easier if we're winning.
We'll take some questions.
Yes.
Bubbles Marshall.
The club can't wait
for the season to start.
Lovely. Thank you.
LUKE: Hey, can we chat?
You need to stay in your lane!
Look, I know
I know it was your recommendation
that got me across the line.
I'm the coach now.
Stay in my lane?
Yeah!
Right. Well, maybe
don't try and overtake me.
This is a massive job. I'll be
going as hard and as fast as I can.
You just need to stay out of my way.
Mate, if I need to get in your way,
I'll indicate.
Yeah, I think you've gone too far
with the driving analogy.
Yeah, I felt that too.
Yeah.
Oh! Is it mad Monday?
It's non-alcoholic wine.
Are you a recovering alcoholic?
No.
So you're still an alcoholic?
Even so, it's a bit early for wine,
isn't it?
But it's not wine, is it?
You just said it was
non-alcoholic wine.
But there's no alcohol, so I might
as well be drinking orange juice.
From a wine glass with wine in it.
Non-alcoholic wine.
Which is wine.
Without alcohol.
I've got to be anywhere else.
Hugh
No!
This is not healthy.
ANNOUNCER: Mornings
with Libby Kichha.
You're with Libby Kichha
on ABC Local Radio,
and my guest is Great Southern
Football Club CEO Hugh Shen.
And, Hugh, just in reference
to a story on social media
about you drinking wine at work.
You'd like to clarify that.
Thanks, Libby. Yes.
So, it's non-alcoholic wine
in that glass,
so nothing to see here.
Why not just drink,
say, orange juice, then?
What's the difference?
Well, the optics aren't great,
are they?
Well, I think we can get
hung up on optics, Libby.
Well, someone who hasn't
hung up is Lenny,
who is on the line from Mornington.
How's the weather in Mornington,
Lenny?
No idea. I'm in Eggs and Bacon Bay.
Oh, I'm sorry. I was told
that you were from Mornington.
Yeah, I am, but I moved here
when I was three.
OK. Your question for Hugh.
Oh, look, I'm just sick of all
this negativity from the greens
about the stadium.
I mean, I am right behind you, mate.
Build the bloody thing
and let's get on with it.
We all know it's going
to blow out to a few billion.
And I tell you what -
bury all those useless Greenies in
the foundations while you're at it.
Well, thank you for your support,
Lenny.
I really appreciate it.
Although I wouldn't necessarily
endorse all those remarks.
Well, fuck you then.
Uh, thank you, Lenny.
Uh, Olivia is from Launceston.
Possibly.
Hello, Olivia.
GIRL: Hello.
Awww!
How old are you, Olivia?
Eight.
Good on you, Olivia.
And you have a question for Hugh?
Yes.
My question is,
what does Mr Shen think
about the MI Global Partners report,
the Planning Commission
interim report
and Doctor Gruen's
independent report,
which described the stadium
as disproportionate,
at the wrong site
(PHONE BUZZES)
..shows hallmarks of mismanagement
and would generate a loss
of $300 million over 20 years?
Right.
Well, no prizes for guessing which
party Olivia's parents vote for.
Mum and Dad been in your ear
a little bit, Olivia?
No. They died. I live with my aunty.
(MOUTHS)
I've obviously, um
I haven't seen the re
The I'm acutely aware
that the, uh
I am acutely aware of, um
Sorry, Libby, I've lost
my train of thought
but hopefully that's
answered your question.
Right. Do we have time
for one more caller?
Yes? Time for one more.
Brendan, you're our last caller
for today.
JAMESON: Yeah. Hello.
Uh, look, I'm a homeless man.
I'm currently living on the street
but I fully support Mr Shen
and the stadium.
I reckon it'll be grouse.
And, uh, you know,
uh, people who aren't homeless
shouldn't speak on our behalf.
So, Brendan, you are homeless?
100%.
But where are you actually
calling from?
Because I've noticed
you've come through on a landline.
(HANGS UP)
Uh, we seem to have
lost Brendan there.
We're just going to try
and get Brendan back on the line.
Don't worry about it, Libby.
Grateful for Brendan's support.
Oh, no. Here we go.
Great Southern Football Club.
Jameson speaking.
Hang on -
you are an employee of the GSFC,
and you have just rung in
pretending to be a homeless man,
giving unqualified support
to the stadium.
Uhno. Uh, no,
I don't know anything about that.
Um, we have actually been having
a lot of problems
with our phones this morning.
Uh, typical bloody Vodafone.
Um, in fact,
I think even this line might
(HANGS UP)
I hope I'm not wandering out
of my lane
but why the fuck didn't you
tell us about this?
Oh, should I have
put it on my job application?
Yes! And then not sent the job
application.
When did this happen?
I don't know. I don't remember it.
Maybe we could say it's
non-narcotic cocaine.
Online they're saying
you're doing crack.
You need to not say anything
to anyone for some time.
ANGELA: Quick time check.
The presser's in an hour, so we
need to come up with something.
It's a deepfake. It never happened.
The internet's full of them
and, umwe're looking into it.
Knock something together
along those lines, Angela.
Please.
Christ almighty!
Any other disasters
I should know about?
The training and admin land
at Kingston
is contaminated beyond redemption.
I think it's frozen.
(GROWLS) Leave it.
You are a Bermuda Triangle
for competence.
Hugh, I am issuing you
a first formal warning
..for underperformance.
What?
No, you can't do that, Alastair.
It's OK, Destiny. Thanks.
No, it has to be in writing.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
for coming.
You'll be aware of a video that's
been circulating on social media,
purporting to show our senior coach,
Luke Gorman,
ingesting a powdery substance.
This is not a genuine recording.
It is, in fact,
an artificially generated deepfake
and the club is
currently investigating
the circumstances
around its posting.
Luke assures us that he has
never used illicit drugs
and the club abhors this malicious
slandering of his reputation.
While these investigations
are under way,
the club will be making no further
comment on this matter.
Thank you for your attendance.
Mr Shen, a question about
homelessness.
Shelter Tas, the peak homelessness
body, has suggested that,
in light of your staff member's
disgraceful comments on ABC radio,
you make a substantial gesture
in solidarity.
Is that something
you'd be willing to do?
Uh
..absolutely.
I'm sorry but it's still no.
Joanne, we can still make this work.
As a major producer of poppies,
we cannot and will not
be associated with drug abuse.
But the video is a deepfake.
Well, no one's going to
remember that, or believe it.
All they're going to remember
is that the coach sponsored by us
sniffs cocaine off women's
bottoms.
So you're worried about perception
rather than truth.
It's about the optics, absolutely.
What if you sponsored a player?
We'd drug-test him.
No.
Training tops, then?
Perhaps try a straw manufacturer.
That park there, OK?
Amazing.
Our poppy sponsorship's just
disappeared up the coach's nostrils.
Jameson, organise a contract killing
on me, will you?
OK.
Might want to get yourself done
at the same time.
It's not coming out of our budget.
CATHERINE: Good morning.
Oh, fabulous. What dynamite's
Mrs Nobel got for us?
Right, then.
Everyone's bowels in order?
What?
All good. Thanks for asking.
Now that I've got you all here,
I just wanted to flag an idea.
So, for personal reasons,
this is an issue that's close to
the heart of one of our directors
but I think it would make
a huge statement about us
if we were the first AFL club
to have a currently listed
gay player come out.
We would have a completely safe
and supportive environment here.
We would be market leaders
in inclusivity
and it's time.
It's just time.
Could we draft in a gay player?
I don't think that's something
they have a test for
at the draft combines.
But clubs do a lot of due diligence.
You could easily find out.
I don't think due diligence extends
to what sexually arouses players.
Destiny, penny for your thoughts.
Mmm, I was just trying to think
if I've ever been in a more
appalling conversation.
Look, all I'm saying is
if you've got two players
that you're trying
to decide between drafting,
similar ability
and you knew one was gay,
could we go for that one?
(PHONE RINGS, BUZZES)
Oh.
What if he doesn't want to come out?
Doesn't want the pressure of
being the first in the AFL,
being forced to be
the spokesman for gay rights?
Well, that's alright.
What have you lost?
Your moral compass?
I know this is highly sensitive
and will require
the utmost discretion
but I think we can do
highly sensitive and discreet.
The bare-arsed lady from
the cocaine video wants to know
how much we'll pay to shut her up.
Not interrupting anything, I hope.
We've just had contact from a woman
claiming to be the owner of the
buttocks in your little video.
She wants money or she'll go public.
How do we know it's her?
Her name's Ursula.
So you can't verify that
that's her bum.
Well, I couldn't pick it out
of a police line-up!
How is she going to prove
it's her arse?
She may not be able to
but we can't afford the speculation.
I'm the mug who fronted up
and said it was a deepfake.
If that's shown to be a lie,
I'm buggered.
I don't remember anyone
named Ursula.
II say we call her bluff.
Hey, I'm also the one
who strongly recommended
your appointment to the board,
so it's my arse on the line,
Because of your lying on the arse.
Cute.
So, how much money
are we talking about here?
$25,000.
So how am I supposed to
bury that in the books?
Put it under High Performance.
But the full-cream milk
that they use -
it makes this, like, a war zone.
CATHERINE: Good morning.
Morning.
Ooh! Are they free?
Can I have one?
Yeah, sure. They're non-alcoholic.
Oh.
Don't worry.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Ah! Luke.
Bit of a problem's cropped up.
Our Ursula's is not the only one
claiming ownership
of the featured buttocks.
Who else?
A woman called Selena.
And a woman called Bobby.
And a bloke called Graham.
(SCOFFS) Well, I can
confidently rule Graham out.
Doesn't look like his arse?
Any of those other bums ring a bell?
I mean, obviously,
we can't keep paying out everyone
who puts their hand -
or bottom - up for this
and most of these people
are just trying it on.
Unless it has happened
with all three of them.
Is that possible?
I mean
Oh, seriously?!
We've got no choice
BUT to pay these people out.
(JAMESON SNICKERS)
'Butt'.
If just one of them is genuine
and they go to the press,
I'll have cadaver dogs
sniffing at me.
So I have to bury
$75,000 in the budget.
Do it.
And account number is 179482466.
(KNOCKS) Excuse me.
Who are you?
I'm Kieran.
How did you get in the building?
I'm from IT.
Oh. Fair enough.
So, what brings you to the cockpit
of Air Force One today, Kieran?
Um, I'm not able to determine
who posted the cocaine video
or where precisely it's come from
but we can confirm
it's definitely a deepfake.
And that's the last bum.
Oh! Destiny!
Hugh Shen, tonight's gesture
is all about making amends
for what has been
a pretty shabby episode
in the club's short history.
Alicia, I'm here to show
that the Great Southern Football Club
and the AFL
take homelessness seriously.
What happened, really, was a bit
of an innocent joke that went wrong.
It certainly
What was the joke?
I don't think this is the time
to get into that, Alicia.
It was taken out of context.
So you're saying that
Shelter Tasmania didn't get the joke
and took the phone call to the ABC
out of context?
No, please don't put words
in my mouth.
Well, they're your words
from your mouth.
That's irrelevant.
You're taking them out of context.
It's your context.
Look, I'm here to apologise
if we've caused any offence.
And to announce that the
Great Southern Football Club
is donating $1,000 to Shelter Tas.
And in a further show of support,
I, as you know, will be
sleeping in this park tonight.
Where it is currently six degrees.
Thanks. Hugh Shen there.
Back to you in a nice,
warm studio, Cass.
We're clear.
Good luck, Hugh.
It's not going to be very pleasant.
Yeah. The optics are great, though.
Sure.
Sometimes you've just gotta
suck it up, don't you?
See you at 6:00am sharp.
Amazing.
SONG: # Nowhere to run to, baby
# Nowhere to hide
# Got nowhere to run to, baby
# Nowhere to hide from you, baby
# Just can't get away from you, baby
# No matter how I try #
It's my honour and privilege today
to introduce you to the footballers
chosen for selection
in the Great Southern Football Club's
inaugural VFL squad.
What did you do to his arse?
Nothing. What?
You whipped it?
Oh, yeah. I whipped it. Whipped it.
Yeah.
Whipped his arse.
Listen, do you want to be responsible
for the loss
of a massive sponsorship?
Better than being responsible
for the loss of a marine species.
I'm actually the CEO of this club.