G'wed (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Lads! One-two!
So, like, I've had a think
of how I can bury me face,
in your ma's arse,
but we still move on together
with our relationship.
Lad, it's too early for this.
No, exposure therapy
to overcome your fears.
I'll come round for tea
and I'll sit opposite you,
then I'll eat some tea,
then put my face in your ma's arse,
eat tea, face in arse,
eat tea, face in arse.
I'm gonna record you saying this
one day and send it to her.
You'd shit yourself.
Do it!
Be good to float the idea to her.
Seriously, though, how long
would you be pissed off at me for?
Or does it depend
how long I'm in there for?
I suppose if you had your head in me
ma's arse for like a week straight,
I'd be more pissed off, like, yeah.
Lad, I'd eat a chicken dipper
out your ma's arse.
Honestly, I would, cos if your ma
said to me, "Come round for tea.
"You can have these chicken dippers,
only if you eat them out me arse",
I'd not only do it,
I'd prefer it served that way.
SCOFFS
Ah, there youse are, lads.
Can I ask youse two something?
Right, when a lad
goes out with a girl to dinner,
he usually pays, right?
So when you two go out, who pays,
because youse are both lads?
Should I tell him?
Yeah. Go on, it's time.
Connor, every time we go out,
we each take in turns
to wear a bra under our shirt.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't know that.
Eh, Thomas!
I've got an idea for an app
that is gonna shit all over yours.
It's called ScrApp.
For like-minded people
who wanna meet up for a daily scrap.
Lewis Connolly, soon to be the face
of Universal Credit,
treats women like they're shit
and says,
"I'm not racist, me, lads,
"cos I got three DVDs
of that Morgan Freeman fella."
Keep chatting wham, lad, with
your little astrology dating app.
All that Mars and Venus shite, lad,
it's a load of bollocks.
It's a shame that you think that,
cos I saw Aimee's profile on there
last night, and you two
you're perfectly matched.
Really, lad?
No! Because even Mars and Venus
know that you're a piece of shit
Aimee's far too good for!
Oh, you've been told there, lad.
You whopper!
Tom is well funny, you know?
OK, lad?
Get off!
Why?
Do you know the special thing
he had planned
was a scrapbook of our
first weeks together with, like,
photies and tickets
from stuff we did.
That sounds amazing.
Well, no, it's not,
cos there was a photie missing -
the one of us shagging!
Still, it's really thoughtful,
though, innit?
It's not THAT thoughtful, girl!
I mean, I've got the photies on me
phone, I don't need them in a book.
And he chose
all the worst ones of us.
And the tickets?
I mean, I can't even use 'em again,
so what's the point in that?!
You didn't say this to him, did you?
I just pretended it was cute,
but like, all I was thinking
was why doesn't he wanna have sex
with me? Like
..what if he doesn't find me fit?
Can't be that.
Argh! What is Rory slide tackling
in the playground for?
Move! Could've ended me career!
Let it go, lad,
it was a good challenge.
What d'you mean?
Nah, nah, nah. Next time I see him,
I'm gonna kill him!
With with forgiveness.
Cos Islam teaches us
the art of forgiveness
to all that have wronged us.
Oh Ella Grace.
I am honoured
that you trusted me with this, Mo.
I know it means so much to you.
And thank you
for facilitating my growth.
Abdullah.
Ah
CHUCKLING
Are you still pretending
to be religious? Shh!
You haven't got a chance
with her, mate!
What's next, lad? Taking her
to the promised land, are you?
Pilgrimage to Mecca? Eh?
You never know, you might get
to hold her hand, then, Mo.
Mm-mm-mm
Had you all whipped.
Shut up, lad!
# Will we ever be
Like the way we used to be
# Or have we lost ourselves?
# Thought I knew you #
Oh! Glad I bumped into you.
Um, yesterday
at Romeo And Juliet rehearsals
during the romantic scene,
I kind of felt like
you got a bit TOO into it.
Try to remember
WHISPERS: ..we're acting.
Sorry, you're right,
but our faces get so close
and that gigantic spot you had
on your nose was just too seducing.
To be fair,
same here with your Scouse accent
butchering Shakespeare.
Ooh, it's just too alluring.
Only one thing to do, then.
Ella Grace?
Christopher and I are having trouble
navigating our creative relationship
during rehearsals
due to some of the intimate content.
Do you think you could
help guide us through our issues?
I
We want to reach a point
where a structure is in place
that allows us to unleash
our best performance
in an environment
that feels safe and comfortable.
WHIMPERS
Are you all right?
Ooh. It's just so inspiring
that you're collectively
thinking about this.
Guys, sorry, I mean folks,
I will be your intimacy coordinator.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God, she believed us!
See you later.
Oh!
I'm back with a bang, lad!
The bang being the kid I dropped
on me way in with a lazy jab.
I heard Meachy
got about 20 emails saying,
"Announce Lewis's return, lad."
Maybe.
But listen, I had some time
to do some real soul searching
when I was away. And I realised
..my soul's a natural born lunatic,
so I found your Insta,
got a pic of your fat sponge 'ead
and put it on me dart board.
Why am I in black and white?
Printer's out of colour,
wasn't an artistic choice!
I lost me darts, lad!
EXHALES CALMLY
The point is, stay away from her,
or I'll cripple you.
I wonder what the surprise is?
Maybe he's taking you
in a private jet
to a posh restaurant in Paris!
Nah!
I reckon he's bought you LFC!
Put me on the wing,
I'm a whippet, lad!
Oh. My. God! It gets even better!
THEY ALL EXCLAIM
That's a '23 plate.
Imagine if we had a car.
The birds would be all over us.
We could drive them into town!
We could take the birds
to t'pictures!
We could go Maccies drive thru!
With the birds, obviously.
You're a lucky bastard, you, Ted!
I wanna Thomas!
Go 'ead, Ted!
He's so lucky, you know?
I didn't even know these were here.
What are they?
One hundred human figures.
Me grandad would take me here
sometimes when I was a kid.
He believed that
the statues represent life,
and the sea is death.
That's why each figure
stands further out towards the sea,
as we're all at different stages
of our life.
And that's why in between,
we have to be bold, take chances,
because one day,
you will be the last statue.
And you don't wanna look back
at your past selves and think,
"I wasn't brave enough,
or bold enough."
And now, I come here on me own.
As me grandad
DID become the last statue.
TUTS
He slowly faded away.
Just like the image I have of him
in me 'ead.
But you know what didn't fade away?
What he taught me.
That's why I did my app!
Because I've always believed
in astrology
and how there's a soulmate out there
for all of us.
Do you believe in soulmates?
Yes! Don't you?
There HAS to be a reason
this universe exists. Just look!
It's just too deliberate,
too beautifully orchestrated.
Maybe it's to experience love.
It's amazing you got all them
inspirations from these statues.
I just interpreted them as
"normalise getting your arse out
at the beach".
THEY CHUCKLE
Ted, I love your sense of humour.
But don't use it as an escape
just because you're feeling anxious.
Be present, Ted.
CHUCKLING
As-salamu alaikum wa
Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu.
Al-hamdu lillahi rabbil 'alamin.
Want one, lad?
No, thanks.
Can you please let me do my dua?
Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Go 'ead.
As-salamu alaikum wa
Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu.
As-salamu alaikum wa Rahmatullahi
wa Barakatuhu. Al-hamdu lillah
CRUNCHING
It's fine.
I bet you're getting it
every night, lad.
You know, it's none
of your business, actually.
Oh, my God.
That means you're getting nothing!
Sorry, do you not realise
how disrespectful you're being
right now?
What?
No.
I want to wait until marriage.
I must be.
Look, I want to, so much,
but I care about my religion,
and I want to be
dedicated to my faith.
But she is proper fit.
You think I don't know that? I have
the exact same desires as you,
Mohammed, OK? Sometimes I think
I'm doing the wrong thing.
Like, what if she thinks
I'm a crazy religious person
and she wants to end
the relationship?
I get it. I wish The Brimble
was more like Mia-Louise.
I'm getting nothing.
You know, she's actually
probably the type of girl
that appreciates the mental strength
it takes to abstain
and overcome the needs of the body.
You reckon?
GASPING
Come 'ead.
BOTH RECITE IN ARABIC
Do you mind if I join?
It would be an honour
to strengthen my connection
to your beautiful faith.
Here, move.
Am I OK to repeat what you guys say?
Yes! Of course.
Actually, it's a great idea. Yes.
But in Islam, a man and woman
cannot pray together,
but that's OK. It's OK.
I will teach you something,
and you repeat after me. OK?
You ready?
SPEAKS IN ARABIC
IN ARABIC:
Wow. Bravo. Well, like, you're
amazing. We will say it together?
Yeah! Come on.
We're like family here, yes?
You know, it's OK.
One, two, three
IN ARABIC:
Wow. Well, very good.
You are a natural, you know?
Ted, come on.
Isn't it a bit soon for us
to be going to some
five-star spa resort together?
Ah shut up.
I wanted to bring you here,
because like you said
the beach shaped you,
round here shaped me.
I decided from a young age that I
wasn't gonna let any little knob 'ed
from round here
not let me be who I wanted to be.
Ask Liam Hughes. He kicked off,
thinkin' I was a soft touch.
What kind of violent,
Neanderthal thug am I seeing?
Ah, don't worry.
There weren't any lasting effects
from the beating I gave Liam.
All right, Liam!
Oh, my God, I'm joking!
That's Smigger!
Oh Such a wind-up!
All right, Smig? They're hopeful
you'll be outta that in a year!
Another one that got cheeky, though.
Oh, my God, I'm joking!
CHUCKLING
No, to be honest, Thomas,
I have to be in control.
I don't let anyone in me head,
but
you have a little bit.
Right scary,
but it's exciting as well.
Exactly. What's the point
of being in control all the time?
It's so boring.
Not being in control
..that's where the beautiful chaos
happens.
GASPS
What you doing?!
Chaos coming through!
# This place is where I'm from
# Familiar faces
And the accent's like a song #
LAUGHING LOUDLY
Why is he laughing so much?
It's a bit flirty, that, innit?
Read the top one.
That means you're going to
the hospital.
OK. One more, one more.
"An absolute belter of a lad."
LAUGHTER
Ah, I say good?
Oh, my God!
Why is he taking Thomas's phone?
Is he giving him his number?
This means to, like,
avoid someone or something.
OK?
All right. Ready?
Go!
"I'm swerving my bird tonight".
SHE GASPS
Did you just hear that?
He's swerving me tonight for Thomas!
Aims, it all makes sense why
he doesn't wanna have sex with me.
My Ziad's one of those
proper fit gays.
He's not gay.
A healthy, consent-driven
environment is paramount
to ensuring actors
reach their creative potential.
Actors are storytellers,
but I am also a storyteller.
And my story ends
with established boundaries.
See, that's my concern.
I don't wanna overstep
any boundaries.
Like, am I allowed to hug him?
If you both feel comfortable
with that, and, more importantly,
you communicate that to each other.
So, during the hug, can I have
a slight squeeze of her arse
if I feel it suits the character?
How would you feel about that,
Aimee?
Comfortable.
Well, then, you've established
a secure space
which allows that to happen.
So, if we both feel comfortable
with me tickling his balls,
can we do it?
Ooh, erm
If you've established boundaries
and the ball tickling falls
within those boundaries, then yeah.
So as long as
we're both comfortable,
we can really do all of that,
even if it's not in the script?
Yeah, as long as it
So, I could wank him off?
Then I could finish on her tits?
I could wear a strap-on
and peg his arsehole on stage?
Well, yeah
Look, let's leave it there.
Sometimes it's better to take
a step back from communication
to um, reflect.
THEY LAUGH
See you later.
Oh!
Put some respect on me name, lad!
I told you to stay away from her.
I can't. We're acting together.
She's Juliet, I'm Romeo.
Then do the scenes separately
on a green screen
and edit it together
in post-production!
This is a play, not a movie.
Always with the smart arse answers,
lad.
You've left me no choice.
There's a storm comin' for Aimee.
MIMICS STORMY WIND
Stay indoors, lad!
You don't wanna
get caught in Storm Lewis.
HE LAUGHS NASTILY
Unless I tell you to come out,
cos I'm gonna smash your head in.
TEXT ALER
GASPS
Did you hear that?
False alarm.
THEY LAUGH
HEAVY BREATHING
# One love
# One life #
PANTING
# When it's one need
In the night #
MOANING
PANTING AND MOANING
Ted?
Sorry I didn't reply
to your text before.
Do you wanna come over
to mine instead, though?
I've got a free house,
so we're alone then.
I've got homework to sort out.
Well, just come after your homework.
I've been missing you today.
I heard you in the toilets.
Are you following me?
No. I was in the cubicle
next to you,
but I probably would have heard you
from the fucking gym!
Why are you getting angry, Ted?
You're embarrassing yourself.
Yeah, but I thought
You thought that I like you?
I do, I really like you,
and I wanna see where this goes,
but at the same time,
I don't wanna be tied down.
I'm exploring ethical non-monogamy.
I thought you believed in soulmates.
I do. One day, but right now
I just wanna have fun, Ted.
What do you mean by that?
Look, I understand that this is
your first relationship,
but you need to let me know
if you can handle this.
Mia-Louise! Mia-Louise!
Please, please, please
Why didn't you reply to me
last night?
Cos Ziad, I know why you don't wanna
have sex with me.
OK, look, I'm sorry.
I was going to tell you.
I thought it would change things.
It's a game changer, Ziad.
Maybe if we get married,
things will be different.
That's not how marriage works.
So, you don't want to be with me
any more?
Well, do you wanna be with me?
Of course I do! Look, it's just sex.
It doesn't change our connection.
Wait, so we're together,
but then you just leave
to go and do that sometimes?
Leave?
You wanna do it in front of me?
Shag guys!
Cos you're into fellas!
No, I'm not.
Then why don't you wanna have sex
with me?
Cos what?
Because I want to wait
until marriage.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Well, thank God for that!
OK, so you don't think
I'm a crazy religious person?
Nah, nah. I'm just made up
you're not into fellas.
OK, good, because Mia-Louise,
I want to go on a journey with you
that elevates above the physical,
that explores meanings that are
deeper and more everlasting,
that can bind us together
as one eternal soul.
HE MUTTERS
And we can do some fingering.
No, I can't do any sexual activity,
Mia-Louise.
What about, like, oral stuff?
SHE GASPS
Dry-humping!
Te-ed.
You OK?
I've never seen you cry before, lad.
TED SNIFFS
Thomas just dump you?
Oh I called it, you know?
I said to the others,
he's way outta your league.
He didn't dump me.
Then what's up?
He wants to see me,
but see other people, too.
Isn't that what all gays do?
No.
Well, not everyone.
I'm not sure that's what I want.
I understand, lad.
I'm onto something similar meself.
What d'you mean?
Reece's ma.
I have these special moments
with her when I go round for tea.
I tell her that her corn beef hash
is stunning,
Hm!
Then I have to leave,
and it kills me,
cos I wanna see that smile
every second of every day.
And then the questions
I'm left wrestling with are
"Am I OK with just living off
these special moments?"
"Am I OK with not being all in?"
SIGHS
So you bummed him yet, like?
TUTS
# I know that I'm your homie
# I ain't just gonna let that go
# Don't think that you can call me
# Because you're feeling lonely. #
Ommmmmmmm
and finished!
Oh. That was short.
Yeah. This Islamic meditation's
a very quick one.
I mainly use it to strengthen me
mind to help with fasting, you know?
And me abstinence from sex.
You abstain from sex?
Until marriage.
It's easy to give in
to basic physical needs,
but my brain's different.
It needs to be
constantly challenged.
You must be so mentally strong, Mo.
Yeah. With great power
comes great responsibility.
I feel embarrassed.
What? No, no, no,
don't be embarrassed.
You can tell me
how you feel about me.
I feel embarrassed because I've been
waiting for you to make a move
and that was never gonna happen,
which obviously I respect.
Waiting for ME to make a move?
You have changed me
so much spiritually, Mo,
and I've grown to really like you,
but I am a very sexual person,
who needs her mind and body
stimulated equally.
But, Grace, er
I've been meaning to tell you this,
but
..I'm not actually
a practising Muslim.
Mo, don't change yourself for me.
I respect your religion.
But I don't think I can be with you
knowing it won't turn sexual.
Goodbye, Mo.
I'm serious!
Ella-Grace!
SIGHS
GROANS
Thomas, I brought you back
to my area to show you some statues
that will make you better
understand me.
RUSTLING
You asked me if I was ready for an
ethical non-monogamous relationship.
And now I know the answer. You see,
I've always been the tough guy.
No, no! Please don't hurt me!
Do I get me fiver now, or what?
But you taught me that I don't have
to hide behind a tough guy image.
You taught me that it's good to be
vulnerable and to lay yourself bare.
Then you can live moments you'll
remember for the rest of your life.
So yeah, I'm ready
ready to tell you that you
can't use ethical non-monogamy
as an excuse
to treat people like shit!
It's your choice if you want many,
even if it's at the same time.
But the clue's in the name.
"Ethical".
There's ways to go about it, lad.
Either way, it's not what I want,
cos I don't wanna be one of many.
I wanna be the one.
Seen by only one.
Isn't that truly what a soulmate is?
And our time together's made me
realise I wanna find that soulmate,
so
..goodbye, Thomas.
You're the boss, lad.
He's too good for you.
Well done, kid.
OK?
God, any time, mate.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're taking the piss really,
aren't you?
Oh, no, mate. I'm genuinely curious.
Yeah, look, I've got a list
of questions for you.
Here y'are, let me have a look
You know when youse
are gonna have sex,
how do you know who bums who?
LAUGHS
Come here,
me little curly-haired homophobe.
You've got so much to learn.
MUSIC: 'Anyone Who Had A Heart'