Henpocalypse! (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- I want to go downstairs!
- Is that a man's voice?
- My Gary's out there.
He's never let me down.
- Those are solid noughts.
- I know what you did.
- You saw?
- So did Barney.
That was his last bonk-on before
we had to put him to sleep.
- Given the state that she's in,
there's only one course
of action to save her.
- Horror!
- We need to take the leg off.
I told you this
walkie-talkie is too big.
Elmo's nose is
bruising my G-spot.
- Stay where you are!
- They've got guns!
They're soldiers!
- We're saved! Girl power!
- Get down on the ground now!
- Hey, guys? Come on, no,
we're not the bad guys.
We're the victims!
- On the ground!
- Do as she says.
I'll be having words with your
commanding officer about this.
- Nezzy, get down, babes!
- No, thanks babes.
- Right, arms up!
Come on, over your head!
Like a diamond press.
- When did the army
start doing yoga?
- Oh, it's not yoga
- it's pilates.
They're not soldiers, they're
pilates instructors
..like me.
- Welcome back,
Chloe. Great work.
First go on the vagina steamer.
- I told you she was lying.
Believe Shelly, guys!
- I should've twigged when she
pulled a Muppet out of her fanny.
- She pulled a Muppet
out of her fanny?
Veena! Report that shit.
- I thought I was hallucinating. Lesson learnt.
I'm laying off
the hallucinogens.
- God, those shoes!
- My toes are so free.
- Now, hand over the man and this
doesn't have to go any further.
- What man? You need
to catch up, love.
All the fellas have carked it.
- Yeah, I am well aware of that.
Yet Chloe here saw you
chasing a man in the woods.
- He was wearing gold hot pants.
- Mm.
- BERN GUFFAWS
Gold hot pants?!
She's seeing things.
The mind plays tricks
when it's craving dick.
- I am not craving dick!
- Last night I saw Paul Hollywood
butt-naked and covered in flour.
Doesn't mean it's real, though.
- I saw a man! You
were chasing him!
- And he's a precious resource
which needs proper care,
which you're clearly
not providing.
- No, our care is exemplary! We
empty his piss pot twice a day!
- Ah! And the truth is out. Now
cut the crap and hand him over.
- No chance.
Possession is nine
tenths of the law.
And it's my rad he's chained to.
- Chained?! What
is wrong with you?!
- Give us the keys.
- Hey, don't you
Don't you dare.
- Go on, Bern!
- No!
- Go, Mum!
She'll never get them down.
- She will. Bern can
take a bao bun in one go.
- Cough! Cough them up.
Cough them up!
- BERN GROANS
These aren't coming
out for 48 hours.
My guts are glacial.
- I'll tase you!
- I've had shingles
thrice, love.
A tasing won't touch the sides.
- Oh
But your little princess,
she won't like it, will she?
- No, Mum, don't
let them tase me.
- Oh, all right.
Anything for you, princess.
SHE RETCHES
- Argh!
Argh! She's broke my metatarsal!
- Should have worn
proper shoes, love.
Let's have 'em!
THEY ROAR
Nun-chucks don't scare me.
They're ten-a-penny
down Wetherspoons!
- I'm going to rip that ponytail
off and shove it up your arse!
- Don't piss yourself! The
current'll travel to your fanny.
And that's not pleasant
unless you're used to it.
- The dick slayer!
- No-one tasers my bridesmaid!
- I was aiming at you.
- I'll slice your areolas!
- Argh!
- Tactical retreat!
- Get bent, you
vagina-steaming cow!
- Yeah, you run!
Get your steps in!
Nice piece.
- Just a little something
I've been working on.
- You all right, babe?
Shell took the tasing for me!
- I did.
- Oh, thanks, babe. I can't
take pain the way you can.
You're like an old shire
horse or something.
- That's me, Shire Horse Shelly,
looking out for her buddy!
- You OK to walk?
- Yeah, I reckon.
Now the searing agony's
passed, I feel fine.
- There you go. Best
maid of honour ever.
- When you're alone and
live is making you lonely
You can always go downtown
When you've got worries ♪
- Gary! Gary!
Gary, come here. Gary,
put the jetwash down.
- Seriously, Shell, it's a big
gig for me, I can't slack off.
- Get over here!
- If I do a good job, she'll put me on the back decking.
That's the big time!
- Now!
- OK. Fine, I shall
exit the workplace.
What?
- We cannot tell Zara what we did last night.
- Last night?
- In the playhouse.
- Shit! You noshed me off!
- Sh!
- I totally blanked! Shit!
- If Zara finds out, we're dead.
- Mm
I'm going to have to
correct you there, Shell,
because Zara has said on record
that she'd be up for a threesome.
- It's not a threesome
if she's not there!
- You sure about that?
- 100%!
- Shit!
Well, what are we going to do, Shell? Shit!
- I don't know.
- Are you with DPD?
I'm expecting a parcel.
- Have you got the lady's parcel, Shell?
- No!
- She says she hasn't got it.
I can't lose this
job, Shell, seriously.
- You're not going to lose the job,
Gary. She just wants her parcel.
- OK, yeah.
Right, meet me in the van.
I'll go smooth things over
with the big boss lady, yeah?
It's all right.
Hey, Gary Whatmuff here.
I'm just stepping away for a
minute to speak with, erm
..an associate.
Rest assured that this will not
impact on the power washing, OK?
- Typical posh tarts. Promising an
amputation to steal our stripper.
Seen it a thousand times.
- Maybe Nezzy was talking
shit about Jen's leg.
- No. It's got to come
off. Gangrene don't lie.
- This should do the job.
- We're doing it now?!
- No, we're amping up security.
Those bitches know
where we live.
- Here, that slapper's
backpack. The spoils of war.
We'll circle back to Jen later.
Hang on in there, Jen!
- You've got this, babe. - Stay strong.
- Let's see what that
Paltrow-wannabe's packing.
Oh! This any good, Veens?
- Hmm, pricey.
£69.99 I do that for.
Plus corkage.
People are mad into
that snail gel stuff.
- Do you want this, babe?
Compensation for your suffering.
- Thanks, Zar!
- What's this?
- It's a manual charger. I
took one to Bestival that time.
Gary bartered it for a
jerry can of scrumpy.
- I can bring my baby back.
Hello, gorgeous.
- Today this could be the
greatest day of our lives
Before it all ends
Before we run out of time
Stay close to me ♪
Ooh, that Yale's
poking my gullet.
Very instructive, that dust-up.
It is one big fanny
festival out there.
- Looks that way.
- Yet fortune's smiled upon us.
Somehow, Drew survived this
man-eating cluster fuck.
- I've been thinking about that.
Either he's immune, or baby
oil has a protective effect.
Either way, he's a jammy sod.
- No, Veena, he's
an opportunity.
In a dickless world,
what do women want?
- A rampant rabbit and
a Sunblest bag of skunk.
- No, Veens, think bigger. Without
men, humanity will go extinct.
We've got a living sperm
bank cuffed to our plumbing.
What were those
slender bitches after?
What is Shelly
grifting for off Drew?
- A cup of jizz.
- Exactly.
And desperate women
are a lucrative market.
- True. My knock-off
Botox sideline
put my sisters through
catering college.
- Oh, sod catering college.
I'm talking global domination.
The Amazon of spunk!
- Jizz Bezos.
- Too right.
And we have got a ready
supply of a unique commodity.
- It's a bit unholy, Bern.
- No! We'd be saving the human
race, while making a tidy profit.
It's a win-win.
- What happens when word
gets out about Golden Balls?
- We want word to get
out. That's marketing!
- We fought off a few
jumped-up gym bunnies,
but what about if there are bigger,
badder girls out there, Bern?
Gaffer's good but
it won't stand up
against a post-apocalyptic
warrior queen.
- Then we'll go home.
We will round up
everyone we trust
and we'll build a fortress.
- No chance. Zar won't
leave without Gary.
- Oh, I'll deal with Zar.
Now, what else you got?
- The War Hog needs petrol.
- Yeah.
- And spikey shit on her
chassis, in case we hit zombies.
- I'll leave that with you.
SHE SPITS Join me in
Operation Liquid Gold.
- No!
- What the bloody hell's that?
- MUFFLED SHOUTING
- What the hell was that?
- It's Drew!
DREW: - Why?!
- What's the latest
with the keys, Bern?
- Ooh. I'm going
to need an assist.
- Coffee and a rollie.
That'll get you moving.
- DREW: - WHY?!
- Will someone shut
up Tragic Mike?
We're supposed to be
keeping a low profile.
- You do it, Shelly.
- No. No, that's OK.
You go, you go, Zar.
It's your turn anyway.
- No, you do it, Shell. Little
treat for you. You've earnt it.
- It's no biggie, Zar, really.
- Here. Till we get those keys out of Bern.
- What
What am I supposed
to do with this?
- You'll figure it out.
- DREW SOBBING
- Chop, chop, Shell.
- Ah!
- Wait, Shell!
Can't have you reeking
of sick, can we?
- Thanks, Zar.
- One plasterer's breakfast.
- DREW SHOUTS
DREW SCREAMS
- Stop cranking a second,
princess. Mummy wants a word.
- DREW SCREAMS
- Who's going to spot me in the gym?!
- DREW SOBS
Rough day?
SOBBING STOPS
Yeah, me too.
- Can you just give
me my food and go?
- No can do. Er wee
problemo with the keys.
But, er, don't worry,
I've got a workaround!
- What am I supposed
to do with that?!
- Put it in your cup.
Sorry it's not owl.
Couldn't work out how to
get that under the door.
Maybe I could spatchcock
- Can you just get on with it?
- Something wrong, buddy?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Aw, mate.
I feel like there's
a wall between us.
What's the matter?
- Are you joking? I'm the
last man alive, Shelly!
I'm the last man alive.
- Oh, right. Yeah,
that. No, I get it.
- No! You don't get it!
Because you're not a man!
- You're right. You need to talk to a man, don't you?
- Yeah.
And they're all dead!
- Or are they?
IN A DEEP VOICE:
Hi, I'm She bert.
I'm Shelbert. Let's talk.
- Please don't do this.
- Do what, bro?
- You're not a man, Shelly!
- Come on! Let me help! I can be a man!
I played Danny Zuko in our
school production of Grease.
Zar was Sandy
- I know!
I've already heard this story!
And most of the musical numbers!
- IN A DEEP VOICE: I hear
you, bro. That Shelly,
she's always wittering on.
Probably just daddy
issues. Am I right?
- I am begging you to stop.
- Funny. That's what Shelly's dad would say
when she tried to talk about her feelings.
- No more Shelbert!
- OK. All right. He's gone.
All right. Well
this will cheer you up.
Erm, hose soup on its way!
Oh.
Er
Just got a bit of bit
of a chunk blockage. Oh.
Erm, but don't worry,
I'm just going to wedge it down
with, with with my finger.
DREW GROANS
Getting any of that?
Oh, let me just
- We sell to every woman of
child-bearing age in the country.
- Possibly the world, if we
can sort out the cold storage.
- It's the ultimate
seller's market.
So what do you reckon?
- OK. I'm in.
- Yeah?
- I get it. It's Armageddon. You've got to have a side hustle.
- Woo!
Ah! I knew I had
raised you right. Mwah!
- When we do we start?
- As soon as we get home.
Leave first thing tomorrow?
- No, we can't
leave without Gary!
- To be fair, princess,
Congleton's not that far.
He should be here by now.
- He's coming, Mum. I know it.
- I mean, we're on a
tight deadline here.
The cock vultures are circling.
- Just give me to the day
of the wedding! Please, Mummy.
Please?
Please.
I'm your princess.
- All right!
He's got until Friday.
- Thanks, Mum! I love you.
- If we're taking Drew, we'll need
something to transport him in.
I'll get on that.
- FYI, big patch of cream
of mushroom on the landing.
I put a Steig Larsson over
it as a stepping stone.
- Can we tell her about the sploodge?
- BERN GROANS
What about the sploodge?
- But we're saving
the world, Shell!
- Using Drew as a spunk tap?
That's that's not OK!
What about his human rights?
- Oh, it'll all be above board. You
can charge more if it's ethical.
- CAGE CLATTERS
- Transport's sorted.
Suspension's shit
but it's secure.
- Guys, no, seriously. He's
not in a good place right now.
We can't put him in that!
- We'll do it up! A bit of spray paint and a
voile curtain will make all the difference.
- It's still a cage, though,
Zar. This isn't right!
- You're worried he'll fall in
love with a customer, aren't you?
But it's just business, Shell.
- Yeah.
It's not like anyone will be
noshing him off in there, is it?
- I got into the sponge game for
a bit. There's no money in it.
The whole sponge
system's rigged!
- Just concentrate, Gary!
We've done a terrible thing.
- You're right. Should we tell her?
- No!
No. It'll break her heart.
She's been so good to me.
When I first started at
Stalbridge, I spent an entire day
with my head in the toilet.
- That's mental. Why did you do that?
- I obviously didn't want to!
The nasty bitches in Year
10 said I needed a wash.
I was Smelly Shelly,
don't you remember?
- That was you?!
- GARY LAUGHS
- I thought there must have
been another Shelly who minged.
- No, it was me. But
Zar stopped all that
when she threw a fire
extinguisher at Lucy Bates.
- God! That was epic!
I had a boner that whole day.
- I only had one school shirt.
By Friday I was ripe.
But Zar didn't care.
She would spray me with Britney
Spears' Curious and crack on.
And look how I've repaid her.
- Sucked me off on her
birthday. That's cold.
- Oh, God.
Why didn't you just propose?
That would've solved everything.
- I wanted to, but
Zar wants a diamond
and my nan said I can't have
hers till she's in the ground.
- Then think of something else!
- I'm not killing my nan, Shell!
- I mean get another diamond!
- That's why I'm power washing,
so I can buy my Zar a diamond
and pay off this
bloody sponge loan.
- That's That's really sweet.
- Yeah. Well, doesn't
matter now, does it?
She's not talking to me.
Went round there and she
came at me in the Picanto.
- That's just her way.
She'll forgive you.
We can never tell her
about what we did.
She will never forgive that.
- I'll take it to the grave.
- Me too.
- Er It It was top drawer.
Just so you know. The noshing.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Really? Cos I've just, I've never
really known what men like RE: that.
- No, you've got the knack.
- I have? - Yeah.
Yeah, it was bang-on, Shell.
- THEY COUGH
- No-one can be
sad in a gold cage.
- I guess.
- I'll put a mirror in.
Like my nan's budgie had.
You know, stop him
getting lonely.
- I just I just hate, hate using
people, Zar. It feels horrible.
- Shit! Shell!
- PHONE RINGTONE
Any messages?
- There's no signal.
Must all still be down.
Got my pictures, though.
- Bern wants us all in the kitchen.
- There in a minute, Veens.
Gary's always
sending stupid stuff.
This is from Christmas.
He put the elf on a shelf on
his dick. Do you want to see?
- Nah, thanks, you're all right.
Some things should just stay private.
No, Gary! Not again!
- Look, if we're taking the
noshing off to our grave,
why not this as
well? Like a BOGOF?
- Zar's diamond better be huge, Gary.
- No, it will. It will.
That's a Gary guarantee.
Sorry, I just need
to send a voice note.
As per what I shouted
through your flap earlier,
my meeting's running over
by about half an hour,
so I'll come back to the drive
after lunch. Best regards, Gary.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Great!
- We're going to
play a little game.
A spoonful of sugar to help the dismemberment go down.
- Jesus!
Now?!
- Well, Jen's leg has to come off and there's no time like the present.
Whoever gets the
short dick, is it.
- That's a shit game!
- This isn't Spoonful Of Sugar, Bern!
You've seriously
misunderstood that concept.
- She's right, Bern. This
is not the way of Poppins.
- Yeah, well, it needs to be
done. So the Bentos will decide.
We'll go in age
order. Mummy first.
I always was good at
finding a lengthy shlong.
Veens, you're up.
- Oh, thank God.
Ooh, it's meaty.
- Zar?
- I'm two months older than Zara!
- Bride's privilege.
- But
- Pick a dick, princess.
- I feel bad, Shell, but I really,
really don't want it to be me.
- Don't worry, Zar. You grab that
wang. We all know it'll be me.
- Thanks, babe.
No!
- Unexpected.
- I don't have to do
it though. Right, Mum?
- The way I see it, princess, I've
already done you one favour today.
And the steak and onion has spoken.
- No, Mum!
No! I can't!
- Running a post-apocalyptic jizz business
will not be a walk in the park.
You need to toughen up, Zar.
- No, please, Mummy!
- I'll do it.
- What's that, Shell?
- I'll do it.
WHISPERS: - Oh, thank fuck.
- Zara can't be cutting
her cousin's leg off.
You'll never hear the
end of it at Christmas.
- But you've already taken
a tasing for me, babe.
- Yeah.
Well
..Shire Horse Shelly, right?
- You're the best! I love you!
- Choose your weapon, Shelly.
- Oh, God.
- Veena, get a blanket, to pin
Jen down. I'll get the antiseptic.
- Erm what do you reckon?
- Carving knife?
- Yeah. Carv carving
knife's a classic.
Can't go wrong with
a carving knife.
- You're saving
her. Remember that.
- I've never cut anything
off anyone before.
I can barely even peel a spud!
- Jen's special blanket.
- Great. Wrap her tight so she
can't struggle. Like worming a cat.
Shell, hands up. I'll swab you.
- OK.
- That's it. We'll save the
TCP for the stump. Come on!
- W-Wait! My lucky
clover! I need
- Is this the one I gave you?
- Yeah.
- Aw, babes.
Your tits ain't shit, babe!
- Er Do you, erm Do
you want to come in, Zar?
- I can't stop. Mum's taking me
down Spearmint Rhino's for a steak.
You know, cheer me
up after yesterday.
Just wanted to give you this.
I've had it ages. Don't know how
much is on there, might be loads.
Might be nothing.
- Thanks.
- It's to say sorry.
Look, I know I'm a cow sometimes.
I'm just wound up about Gary.
- No, it's fine. It's no biggie.
- Just cos he's being a twat,
I can't take it out on you.
Are we still mates?
- Of course! Yeah, yeah. - Good.
When Gary gets his arse in gear,
I want YOU as maid of honour.
- Love to. Trust me
his arse is going to
be in gear any day now.
- It better be. Look,
I've got to run.
That's a mint tit.
Nice jizz stain there, Shell.
- Oh, no. Er, no, it's not jizz!
It's just, it's glue
from craft at school.
- Ha! I know jizz when I see it.
Dark horse! Who's the lucky fella?
- No, it really is glue, Zar!
- Good for you! You get yours!
Remember when we were 12 and I got that tampon stuck inside me?
- Yeah.
- You were so gentle with
those barbecue tongs.
You've got this.
- CHANTS: - Shelly! Shelly!
Shelly! Shelly!
- BOTH: - Shelly! Shelly!
- Shelly! Shelly! Shelly!
Shelly! Shelly!
Shelly!
- Jen, love. Got a
surprise for you
That's got those keys moving.