I Love LA (2025) s01e03 Episode Script

1
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Wow, this is crazy.
- I know.
It, like, sucks the hangover right out.
I love scientists.
I need to do IVs more often.
I always randomly have a sore throat.
My doctor, he does, like,
an Instagram Live every morning at 9 a.m.
If you wanna, like,
drop a little question in the comments,
he's really good about replying to women.
What? What?
I just got a DM from this
really, really sexy chef.
Look at her. She's kind of a bully,
- but like in a hot way.
- Oh, my God,
she's the head chef at Ginny!
It's a really cute spot right now.
It's like really hard
to get into for civilians.
She just invited me to come tonight.
Dude, run that shit.
- Should we go?
- Yeah, I'm so fucking down.
Say yes.
- Cute!
- Oh, my God.
My phone is, like, blowing up.
Okay, why do people
keep on sending me this?
Hi, my loves.
So I literally hate
making a video like this,
because you guys know
I pride myself, right,
- on being a girl's girl?
- What the fuck?
But I don't wanna name names,
and I don't want you guys
guessing the wrong person.
So, I'm just gonna share
that it's Tallulah Stiel.
- Are you fucking kidding?!
- Tallulah.
- Ow! Ow! Oh, my God!
- Ow!
- Ah, I'm bleeding.
- No.
- I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!
- Yeah, same.
- Hold on, hold on.
- I need a Band-Aid.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay.
- Alani, I need a Band-Aid.
- I know!
- Ow!
- It's in my arm.
- Okay, I have…
- What did she say?
…she stole my Balenciaga.
Okay, I have nipple covers,
but take two, 'cause my nipples
are really fuckin' small.
Yeah, so TRESemmé only works
with, like, a few influencers a year,
so it's actually like a huge deal
that they hired Tallulah.
What's the ask, honey?
It's like 20k
for like one day of work.
- That's great.
- I know.
How long do the images run?
- Six months.
- Okay, yeah, not too bad.
- Yeah.
- You have to be careful on these deals.
- Sometimes they have an option…
- No, no, no.
I actually pushed back on option length
'cause I knew about that,
and I got six months
'cause they wanted a year.
Nice catch, honey.
- Your mom wants to say hi.
- Maia.
- Hi.
- Are you still breaking out?
I wonder if it's hormonal.
I just read an article
the other day about a girl
who stopped eating eggs
and her skin cleared right up.
Okay, well, I have to eat eggs, Mom.
Ugh, your sister's acne
is terrible right now too.
- I don't know how to help her.
- Oh, my God.
Wait, I have to go. I have a work call.
- Bye…
- Bye.
So, not only is she
a coked-out and awful friend
but she's a criminal and a kink shamer.
Like, girl, pick a struggle!
- Fuck! Fuck.
- Imagine my surprise…
Oh, my God, fuck.
Hi.
Are people texting you about it?
Whatever happened to
"Hello, how are you?
- How's your day?"
- Hey!
Are people texting you about it?
Yeah, baby, it's bad.
Even my old group chats are reactivating.
Like, my Birthright group chat
randomly talking about it.
Mostly they're talking
about other things, but…
- Mm, it's fine.
- Okay, do you think Tallulah
is gonna lose the TRESemmé deal?
Alyssa will freak out.
If Tallulah gets a reputation
as being brand unsafe,
I'm fucked.
I'm literally fucked.
Like, what is she gonna do? Write a book?
Slow down, it's fine.
I mean, reputations ended in 2017.
Everyone knows that,
and, like, look at me.
Mimi Rush fired me
and it's like no one even cares.
We're fine.
Okay, I have to go get my matcha.
- I love you so much, you're a star.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, I love you, bye.
You're always such a dream.
And send me that video
of your daughter's play.
- Okay.
- Sorry, it's a whole thing.
- Hi, Maurice.
- There's a line.
I know.
Okay, I've been cutting too much.
I'll tone it down,
but right now, I really…
Management says no more line cuts.
Mmm.
Mimi Rush? Okay, I get it.
So, you just wanna take the side
of, like, a pop star
you're never gonna meet
instead of a guy you know?
Hey, you wanna know
the last thing she said to me?
- What?
- She said, "I hate my fans."
- You're making that up.
- Good day.
It's not true.
- She really meant it.
- Yes, hi.
Hey, line, just so you guys know,
the guy making your matchas inside
did have three fingers
up my ass very recently.
She's a total ketamine fiend.
She would sell your mother's soul
for a bump.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How is she?
- She's freaking out.
Oh, God. Okay. Tallulah?
What's wrong?
What are you looking for?
- Hey.
- Your vape?
I've got a backup.
There you go.
Yeah, hit that, that's good. Alright.
How are you feeling?
- Horrible.
- Okay.
Everybody hates me
and I'm having a panic attack.
- Yeah.
- I tried to give her an edible
and she wouldn't take it.
- I took it.
- Okay.
And now, you're…
- High.
- …really high?
Alright, guys,
I think let's all take a breath.
It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.
No, it's not gonna be fine.
People are saying I have shark eyes.
You do not have shark eyes.
You have deer eyes, if anything.
Like Bambi. Sexy.
Yeah, one of the sexy animals.
Don't read the comments, okay?
People are gonna use this
as an excuse to call you ugly.
They're not calling me ugly.
They're saying I'm a horrible person.
You're not a horrible person.
You're not perfect but,
like, none of us are.
You are beautiful and good, guys.
We are all beautiful and good.
Well, it's official.
Everyone wants me dead.
Mimi Rush has turned
the entire service industry against me.
- I'm banned from Canyon Coffee.
- Oh, my…
- No!
- Banned from Canyon?
- So, no more coffee ever?
- I pride myself…
No, of course, I can have coffee.
I'm banned from cutting.
Why are you not more mad?
This affects all of us.
What am I supposed to do, wait in line
like I'm an assistant at UTA?
I just need to defend myself.
Fuck these losers in the fucking comments.
You guys better strap in…
How 'bout you suck my dick
from the back…
- Whoa!
- …you fucking piece of shit?
Whoa, okay. Tallulah, I think don't engage
in the comments, alright?
With situations like this, it's sensitive,
there could be consequences.
Let's just, you know, like,
think a little before we respond.
How the fuck does
Mimi Rush control everything
that the service workers are doing?
Because Mimi Rush is a gay icon,
and all service workers are gay,
at least the ones that matter.
And they all have
the same Adderall dealer,
and they all fucking talk.
She posted revenge porn
on some piss fetish subreddit.
I'm sorry, I feel like I know her.
Can you play that back?
Alani, no.
I cannot believe this bitch.
This is slander.
This is slander, isn't it?
- Your dad's a lawyer, right?
- He works in insurance.
- Did you see what she said in part three?
- Okay, Tallulah.
- I'm so sorry.
- Did you see the stuff in part three?
- Just give it… No.
- You… you… no. No. No.
- Well, let me see… then give me…
- You can't look at the phone.
Oh, my God.
- Ooh.
- Oh, my God!
- It's done. This is done.
- Why would you do that?!
I obviously need my phone!
I need to message everyone back
and tell them to fucking kill themselves!
- Okay, Tallulah.
- Hey, Lula,
keep the negative energy over there.
- Oh!
- You need to let me handle this, okay?
Just give me 24 hours.
I promise you, I will take care of it.
Alyssa has resources for this, okay?
Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- And just promise me
you're not gonna go online.
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
So, what am I supposed to do now then?
Am I just supposed to sit and wait?
She just broke my phone.
What am I supposed to…
what am I supposed to look at?
Why don't you take a Klonopin?
- You sleep till tomorrow.
- No.
- She has a date.
- Oh! You have a date!
I'm obviously not gonna
go on a date right now.
Well, you have to
because you're not gonna let
this scandal ruin your fucking plan.
Like my dad used to say, we're not letting
an indictment ruin another Christmas.
- Exactly.
- Period.
Or a date. Tallulah?
You're gonna go on the date, have fun.
It's gonna be fine, you guys.
It's gonna be fine. It's under control.
Stay calm. I've got this,
because I am your manager.
Thank you, hanny.
Okay.
Alyssa, thank you so much
for bringing Victor in.
- Mm-hmm.
- And Victor, thank you for being here.
I know the Paulena video is not great,
but the good news is,
like, none of it is true.
- I mean, some of it is true…
- Aw, boo, you're freaking out!
I get it, it's a lot.
It's your first scandal.
But Victor is a crisis PR magician.
He fixed all that stuff on Ted 2.
Oh. What happened on Ted 2?
Nothing you ever heard about.
Alyssa shared the clip.
Looks like a classic
"she said-she said" situation.
The nice thing about them both being crazy
is that no one's believable.
It's two monkeys
throwing shit at each other
until they get tired, right?
Well, Tallulah's not crazy.
I mean, she's not perfect,
but that's what people love about her.
And I think if we lean
into that sort of messy,
- honest version…
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It doesn't actually matter.
The good news here
is that they are both white.
S… what?
Yeah, white-on-white bullying
is much easier to come back from.
- And a much shorter apology.
- Mm.
An apology?
Yeah, here is the copy.
Straightforward, clean,
nothing for what's-her-name
to come back at us on.
We acknowledge there's nothing we can do
or say to take away the pain we've caused.
We're sorry,
we're listening, we're learning.
Yada-yada, past trauma, admire Paulena,
of course, et cetera.
This is just… it's great.
Maybe Tallulah can offer to go
to rehab for her drug problem.
Oh, bingo. Yeah, great.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right.
But then, isn't Tallulah kinda saying,
like, "Yep, I'm a coke whore."
Well, I think leaning into,
"Oh, I was a coke whore…"
your words… "and then I got sober,
and then I became
"a coke whore again.
Addiction is a disease.
Sex work is real work,"
something in that vein.
- Mm.
- Right.
I just wonder if it feels
a little out of character for Tallulah
to be on this fake healing journey.
I feel like her followers
will sense that it's dishonest
and we don't want them to turn on her.
Right, right. I'm sorry, can we just
get on the same page here, I think?
You guys brought me in to save
the TRESemmé deal, right?
That's the thing that matters here
and what we're all working towards.
- Yeah, totally, 100%.
- Okay.
Well, in that case, I'm gonna suggest
that you let me do the thing
that I am good at,
that I promise you is going to work.
And then, after I leave, you'll get back
to doing whatever it is
that you're good at.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- That sounds good.
- I know you wanna
protect your girlfriend, okay?
Obviously, I support that.
But you have to see her as a client first.
This is what's right for your client.
- You… right. Right.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- So, it's settled?
- When are we posting?
- Hm, let's see.
You wait three days for racism.
- Mm-hmm.
- Two for homophobia.
Antisemitism, you respond right away.
- Mm-hmm.
- But this…
This is just like not being a girl's girl.
Tomorrow morning.
We have a plan.
- Thank you, Victor.
- Alrighty.
It was so lovely to meet you.
Isn't he great?
- He's great.
- Yeah.
He's so great.
I just… I feel like
it's a really bad idea
to go to, like,
a hot restaurant right now.
I mean, that's the point, Tallulah.
- You need to be seen.
- Both of us do.
Both of us are wrestling with
huge attacks on our reputation.
I mean, yeah,
you're both hated, which is why
you need to step out and show the town
that you have nothing
to be embarrassed about.
Honestly, not going out
in public looks guilty.
It's like, allegations?
Get off your phone,
go to Nobu, get papped,
get the black cod, call it a day.
I mean, yeah, people will be like,
"If he did rape someone,
it'd be weird if he came here."
- You know?
- Okay, I'm just…
I just wanna be low-key right now.
Baby. Look at me.
You need to be bold.
Make them look at you.
And I'm going there to trick
the gay community
into thinking I'm nice.
Let's go win back
these dumb fucking faggots.
When did you make that?
Oh, I've had it forever.
Now, it finally makes sense.
I feel like all the kids here hate me.
I think that they can tell
I had an abortion.
They might be able to, actually.
They have like a sixth sense
about that kind of thing.
Hey, you good?
No. It's the fucking Tallulah thing.
It's getting way worse.
Paulena won't stop posting videos.
She's like a fucking serial killer.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I thought you said
that Victor guy was gonna handle it.
Yeah, yeah.
No, he's going to, I think.
Hey, you know what?
You can handle anything, alright?
I, however, have run out
of snickerdoodle sleeves
- and have to go grab some more, so.
- Okay.
Oh, by the way,
watch out for the Silverlake moms.
They all seem nice and sweet,
but they're actually secret C-words.
- Oh, secret C-words?
- Mm-hmm.
Secret's out, babe.
They're cunts, they're full cunts.
- Cunts.
- Okay.
Alright, I'll be back.
Okay. I'm getting help.
I'm making an effort
to do better and change.
No, I'm making an effort to change…
Hey, give it back!
I'm gonna tell the teacher on you.
Then I'll tell 'em you took
the extra juicebox.
- That was you!
- Hey!
Hey, girls. Girls…
- We're women.
- Okay.
Well, I have an idea.
What if you shared the brownie instead?
It's actually less calories that way.
Excuse me. That's my daughter.
Oh, I was just teaching her how to share.
Honey, you lost.
Next time, try to hold
a little tighter, okay?
Maybe you're new,
but we don't do sharing here.
It teaches people-pleasing.
We don't want to raise another
generation of pushovers.
Totally. Sorry, I'm not a teacher,
so I don't really know the rules.
- Sorry about that.
- Stop saying you're sorry.
Hey, good girl!
Don't reinforce beta habits.
When you back down, that's when people
can take advantage of you.
Could you watch my stand
for a few minutes?
No.
Totally.
You're awesome. Okay, alright.
- Bye, you guys.
- What'd you get?
Okay, big smiles,
big smiles, nothing to hide.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Remember to smile.
- It's so nice in here.
Love it. Are we smiling?
- We're all very nice people.
- Yes.
- Are they seeing me smile?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like back of house?
- Wait, Lula, look at me.
- Back of house, front of house?
- Look at me. Ready?
- No, no, no, no, no. Alani.
- Just be yourself.
Oh, my God, okay. Is that Tessa?
- Oh!
- Is that Tessa?
- Okay.
- Look at her handling that shit.
Oh, my God, she just looked at you.
- Damn!
- She fine shit. Good for you.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Maybe it's fine that we came.
Okay, this is perfect, this is perfect.
Everyone's gonna love us.
Everyone, just lock in.
Guys, just let me fucking order.
- Just pray for a gay waiter.
- Okay.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- Cute hat.
Oh, my God, thank you!
It's like an inside joke
between me and the gay community,
which I have a great relationship with.
By the way,
we're totally fine with tap water.
We're very low maintenance over here.
- Yeah.
- Okay, great.
And have you guys
dined with us here before?
At Ginny, we do everything family-style.
What a twist! And what is that?
- Is that we all share?
- Yeah.
Generally, for a party of your size,
depending on how hungry you are,
I would say anywhere
between, like,
two to five dishes per person.
So, I think we'll just get,
like, five to seven dishes each,
- totaling to amount of, like, 20?
- Yeah, for sure.
For sure, I'm down. You… Lula?
- I don't care.
- Ooh, fun.
Okay, you're my favorite kind of customer.
We got you. Just let me know
if you need to slow down.
I don't think
I'll be asking you to slow down.
- I'll see you in 30 minutes…
- Thank you.
…and you let me know.
- You're amazing.
- Well, guys, that's cute.
Those bitches need to stop
taking pictures of me.
They're taking pictures of me.
They might be fans. We never know.
- Yeah.
- They saw the Paulena video,
that's why they're taking pictures of me.
Get ready for this.
Haters are fans on a bad day.
Totally, I can tell by their little faces,
these girls are just, like,
fucking Reddit girls
who get off to, like,
talking shit about you
and looking up who your ex-boyfriend is.
What are they saying about me on Reddit?
Not…
I'm just saying that, like,
Reddit is bullshit.
These influencer pages are just, like,
fucking QAnon for femcels.
This is like a video game to them.
Like, give them one day and they're gonna
say that you fucked Hunter Biden.
Why the fuck would I fuck Hunter Biden?
Excuse you. Because he's ripped
and he likes to party.
His meth selfies got me
through the pandemic.
Alani, let me see your phone.
Let me see your phone.
I just wanna see the worst thing
that they're saying about me
so I could, like, prepare myself.
- Let me see it.
- What I… what I saw
last time was they were just,
like, defending you.
Give me a sec, I'll…
- I'm gonna take a look.
- It's good. It's good.
Sorry, it's like
a yellow brick road of… yes!
Yes, Lula. Hold on.
The gist is they fucking love you,
and let's fucking eat.
That's how I'm feeling.
Dyl?
I'm so sorry about the bake sale,
but I have to go deal
with this Tallulah shit.
Yeah, you do.
Have you seen her newest video?
No, she just posted four.
I haven't watched 'em yet.
Okay, my college roommate
just sent this to me.
It's like the last one, four minutes.
Look, look.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at the people she's around.
That's me doing coke, Maia.
Yeah, it's like insane how much coke
- you have on your face.
- Yeah, I don't know how to do coke.
Okay, I did this for you
because you… it's…
This is so fucking bad.
I mean, I'm a meme.
I'm a meme online
and they're calling me Coke Larry.
Wait, why are they calling you Coke Larry?
Because I'm doing coke,
and they say that I look
like my name would be Larry.
Look, this is Coke Larry
and Michael Jordan,
and it says "Chicago Fans Right Now."
- Like, what does this mean?
- I don't know. I'm not on guy Twitter.
- It's disgusting.
- This is fucking bad.
- Fucking Paulena.
- Yeah, fucking Paulena.
This is why I don't wanna post
the bullshit Victor apology.
Because I don't care about
a fucking shampoo deal.
Paulena is fucking with my money
my best friend, and now you.
Yeah, screw her, Maia.
I mean, if someone
at the school sees that, like,
- I'm in so…
- Dylan.
- Principal Sanchez.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was just on Memes Daily.
That's where I get my memes.
Oh.
Are you…
Coke Larry?
Yes, sir, I am.
I've got a golf trip next weekend.
You know, there's a couple
high school buddies of mine.
And like, I'm kind of the guy.
Just 'cause I'm driving.
I don't wanna let them down.
Yeah, totally.
So, like, there's like five of us.
I don't really know.
They're about my size, right?
Like, you know.
- Hey, Principal Sanchez!
- Oh!
Hey, we will offline tomorrow, alright?
Great work with the snickerdoodles.
- That was so weird.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, baby,
I have to go find Tallulah.
Yeah, okay. Yeah, real quick.
That was like,
a little blackmailing, right?
- Yeah, totally.
- Like, I have to…
- I have to get him coke now?
- Need to get him coke.
You think Paulena's a dead-end?
Baby, no. I'll get you coke.
- Charlie will have some.
- Okay. Okay.
Okay, I love you.
Oh! Mm!
Mm, mm, Damien,
this rabbit is insane!
Freaking out.
I can't believe we have to eat
this whole fucking rabbit.
- I can't.
- I'm sorry, I'm a vegetarian
when the meat still looks like an animal.
Can you carry your weight, Tallulah?
Eat the rabbit.
Eat the rabbit right now. Seriously.
- I have to pee.
- What?
So, she's just not gonna eat the rabbit?
Since we haven't finished the carrots,
maybe we should
leave them with the rabbit,
like, as like a veneration
or a little offering?
- Fucking shit.
- Took you long enough to come back here.
Oh, my God. You scared me.
Well, you're, you know,
manning a whole kitchen.
- I didn't wanna bug you.
- So what?
It's nice to finally meet you.
Oh, my God.
"It's nice to finally meet you."
- Is that what I sound like?
- Did you work hard on that line?
Yeah, I stayed up all night.
You know, there are easier ways
to make a reservation.
Oh, my God. That's…
…so embarrassing.
My phone got wet.
That's why I was using that.
Oh. You put it in rice?
Well, you don't have
any rice dishes on the menu.
There is a storeroom in the back.
We could go look for rice
if your friends can spare you
a few minutes.
Well, they think
I'm in the bathroom right now.
What, doing ketamine?
- I don't do ketamine.
- It was a joke, Tallulah.
But why did you say that? I don't do ket…
It's banter, we're bantering,
I thought we were flirting.
- You was giving some…
- Did you see the video?
- Is that what you're saying?
- No, it was a joke.
- I was joking.
- Oh, Tallulah! So sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Hi. I'm Maia Simsbury, Alyssa180.
Okay, hi.
I love your restaurant.
Great vibe.
- Thank you.
- Can I talk to you
- for one second?
- Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Damn.
Shit. Oh, God. One more, one more.
Okay, just, Alani,
eat the last cauliflower.
No, if you put that
in my motherfucking face,
- I'm gonna punch you in the face.
- Please. Don't be rude.
- I don't want him talking shit at Akbar…
- I can't. Please.
…about how we don't like
his favorite… Hi!
Wow, you guys are really hungry tonight.
- Oh, my God, I'm starving.
- Period.
Oh, my God, that was so good.
Your faves were perfection.
Hey, you should be a waiter.
Oh, what a thought.
Are we just splitting it down the middle?
- No, no, I got it.
- No… are you… no.
Girl, sit down, no. I got it, I got it.
I always pay for my girls.
It's something I like to do.
Yeah. So, just, 40% tip?
- Oh, okay, 45.
- Are you sure?
Seriously, for everything you do.
Like, I mean this from
the bottom of my heart.
Like, service workers
make the world go round,
and it's important.
Truly, that means a lot.
It's been a year,
and my wife and I, we…
- we lost everything in Altadena.
- Your wife.
Just like, gone.
- Oh!
- Mm.
- So, it means a lot.
- Well, thank you so much.
Yeah. Thanks, guys.
I'll see you guys next time.
Wow.
His wife?
Oh. Great.
$612. Awesome.
This was supposed to be
an investment for me,
and I just wasted $612
on a straight fire victim queer-baiter.
What's the point of being nice
if no one that could help me sees it?
Literally everyone on the fucking planet
has seen the video,
including sexy fucking chef.
What are we gonna do?
Ugh, God, okay.
Alyssa wants you to apologize,
but I don't think you should.
I'm not apologizing.
That is so lame.
- That's what I said!
- Are you kidding me?
That is not… I'm sorry.
I don't give two fucking shits
- about a TRESemmé deal.
- Who cares?
- TRESemmé?
- Boo! It's shampoo, whatever.
No, I'm not gonna apologize to a bitch
who had the fucking nerve
to call us cokeheads online.
No, it's insane that she
called us cokeheads, by the way.
No. You're gonna listen to Paulena?
- No, she's fucking done.
- She's done.
She's done-uh!
Excuse me.
From Chef.
Oh.
Oh.
- Enjoy.
- Thank you.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, my God. What is it?
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
- It's a jar of rice.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's…
Oh, my God.
- It's her number.
- I know.
Okay. Should we go take this bitch down?
Yeah, let's fucking do it.
Alani, do you have
anything that gives underdog?
Like Brandy Melville,
Anthropologie, Madewell?
I honestly don't.
- But do you guys want a Spindrift?
- No, I'm good.
You have vintage. I'll figure it out.
Okay, Tallulah, for the takedown video,
I think be, like, super relaxed
and not mad at all.
Just talk about her coke problem,
but do it, like, casually.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That should be enough, right?
The coke stuff?
Like, I wish we had, like, one more thing
to put her in internet jail.
- Right.
- Oh, my God, jail!
That's where I know her from.
From jail.
- What?
- You met her in jail?
No, in Spanish class,
'cause she went to Crossroads too.
But her family, like, did jail.
- Google it.
- But I've been googling
"Paulena Grace" all day, nothing comes up.
No, well, in high school,
she went by her full name.
Paulena Grace Rikers.
Oh, my God.
Wait, I'm sorry.
Her family owns Rikers Island?
Well, no. They sold it
like 100 years ago, so.
She's a prison nepo baby.
But that still plays, right?
I mean, they owned it for a little.
Yeah, I mean, and now they, like,
make chemical weapons.
Wait…
And her dad had to move
overseas 'cause, like,
the government said
he was too good at business.
Oh, my God.
They're war criminals.
That's terrible, but it's perfect.
We won. We won.
Ready?
- Give me the phone, bitch.
- You got this.
Pop off, queen. Fuck.
Our girl's first apology video!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Lula, Lula, look at me.
- Less smile. Lock in.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi, guys.
To Paulena Grace Rikers.
Yeah, that "Rikers."
I'm sorry that I stole
one of your literal hundreds of bags
that your daddy bought you
with his blood money.
I should have never made fun
of your necklace brand
that was funded by centuries of suffering.
Where did you get that ratty-ass t-shirt?
That's $900. I put it on backwards.
Yeah, so that's like… that's perjury.
It looks like total shit.
- I know.
- And she also
- got onto a Delta flight…
- Genius.
…with a bag… not a baggie…
a bag of coke.
Oh, my God, you guys,
it's insane how many people
are coming out with, like,
stories about Paulena.
Did you see that old Vine where she says,
like, five different slurs
in a Wendy's parking lot?
Love.
- I love the internet.
- It's dangerous,
but fair, like the ocean.
I'm obviously, like,
sad that she's so racist,
but also thrilled that she's so racist.
- Well…
- 'Cause we won.
We won this time.
What?
- You guys!
- What?
Balenciaga just DM'ed me,
and they want my address.
- That's on fucking period.
- Oh, my God, they're gonna send you a bag.
- Maia, you did that.
- Alani!
Are you literally
wearing Paulena's necklace
- right now?
- What?
It's really beautiful.
Look at the little pineapples.
Come on, everyone is racist.
- Nobody wants to see that.
- You're an op.
- You are literally an op.
- It was like 400 bucks.
- Oh, my God!
- Not 400.
You're a bad person.