L.A. Law (1986) s01e03 Episode Script
The House of the Rising Flan
1
Previously on L.A.
Law.
What happened between us was one of those things
that occasionally just happens between two people.
Gee, I was kind of looking forward to it happening again.
I don't think it will.
I've left my husband.
We got into a fight about his drinking,
and when I told him that I would leave him
if he didn't stop, he became abusive, and he threatened me.
The thing is, I'm engaged.
I'm getting married in three weeks.
What about these feelings that we have?
It's the nice thing about being a grown-up, Mr. Kuzak.
Having them doesn't mean we have to act on them.
Morning, Mr. Brackman.
Ms. Melman.
Victor, how goes it?
Good.
Good.
Very good.
How long have you been with us now, Victor?
Well, it's closing in on eight or nine days now.
Getting acclimated?
So far, so good.
Good.
I was thinking, it might be nice if we got
to know each other outside the office.
Maybe come to the house for dinner sometime.
That'd be nice.
How about tonight?
Tonight?
I'd have to check on my calendar.
Try.
7.30.
Come alone.
Be there, or be square.
Hi there, kid.
Hi, Rox.
How we doing?
Oh, I'm surviving.
You hang in there, honey.
You may not realize it yet, but you're
better off without him.
Thanks, Roxanne.
Really.
Men, take away the sex part and the
security part, and they're the total pits.
Therefore, I strongly urge you to limit
consumption to one refreshment per day.
Oh, God, Douglas.
This firm's monthly beverage bill has
leapfrogged into the low four figures.
A dehydrated clientele is an unhappy clientele, Douglas.
Let them drink water.
Now, if you don't mind, status re, Lewis tax audit.
He's coming in at 11.30.
I continue to advance the notion of postponement.
Oh, Stuart is ready.
Irving is adamant.
No postponement.
So be it.
What about Rosen versus Rosen?
Settling.
Galloway versus Galloway.
They're still beefing over the custody of Squeaker.
Squeaker?
They're Yorkie.
Mrs. Galloway refers to it as Squeaker of the house.
Snyder versus Snyder.
Mr. Snyder claims that Mrs. Snyder was unfaithful
on 14 separate occasions one weekend in Vegas.
Mrs. Snyder essentially agrees,
but alleges it was at the request of Mr.
Snyder, who desperately needed immediate
cash to save his floundering go-go bar in Long Beach.
I know, I shouldn't touch it, but it's a
classic in its genre.
Perkins versus Perkins.
Mr. Perkins is under a TRO pending the court's
ruling on custody and visitation of their minor son, Eric.
We wish you well, Ms. Perkins,
during your time of emotional travail.
Thank you.
Moving on.
Lachlan versus Peer Amusement Park, Inc.
Proceeding to trial when?
This afternoon.
Oh, that's pretty short notice.
Are you fully prepared?
Does a chicken have lips?
Well, stepping in for a deceased attorney,
you're certainly entitled to a continuous.
This case has been dragging on for four years.
If we wait for a new court date, that's another year.
Aren't the issues rather clear-cut anyway?
Young boy suffers devastating neurological damage
due to negligent operation of amusement park ride.
The jury empathizes copiously, comes back with large award.
I know the lawyer was a friend of yours, Leland,
but his pretrial preparation is inexcusably sloppy.
Minimal discovery and a low-rent Dr.
Feelgood is his expert witness.
Frankly, I find that surprising.
In his day, Donald Erlinger was the best of words.
May I ask a question?
Eh?
Does a chicken have lips?
The.
Point is, when a client is present at an
IRA, it's another wild card.
Yeah, I agree with Leland.
We give up a lot in the way of leverage.
Irving, if Leland or I were to accompany Stuart
down there, would that make you more confident?
What's the big timmis here, anyway?
$3 million, Mr. Lewis.
If the IRS determines that Mrs. Lewis'
show business career constituted a hobby
rather than a legitimate business,
that's $2.8 million plus penalties.
Hobby, my tuchus.
When they see her new video, they're gonna
wind up owing us money.
This woman is a white Whitney Houston.
I'll go to the Supreme Court if I have to.
Well, uh, hopefully that won't be necessary.
You see, the appeal officer in this case is a gentleman
named Marv Fletcher, and Marv's got a drinking problem.
Well, we'll Bury him in paper,
then around 4, 4.30, when his mouth starts
feeling dry, we'll come in with a low ball offer.
I postponed four times till we got him.
Good.
I like that kind of thinking, but trust
me, this baby is the clincher.
Have you fellas got a VCR machine here anywhere?
You're in for a treat.
I always related to Red Riding Hood I
picture myself skipping through the woods
I wanna be chased and scared to be a girl I always thought
that wolves wouldn't be so understood Look at those legs.
Sorry,
I left some comments.
I keep on doing it until I'm very old As
long as there's a woman around Then I
can't hold That's the part I love When Denitra
rubs up against the guy Is that sex appeal or what?
I ask you, is this woman a pistol?
Good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen With
your indulgence, I'd like to tell you a
once upon a time story Once upon a time,
there was a little boy named Jamie.
Laughlin He was seven years old He was
happy and healthy and normal in every way.
His favorite things were Rocky Road ice
cream His little dog, Misty The Dodgers
baseball team And the amusement park that
was less than a mile from his house One
day, as a reward for sweeping up all the
leaves in the backyard Jamie's mother gave
him five dollars He took the money,
ran to the amusement park Rode the
merry-go-round twice Played soccer Played
skee-ball in the Penny Arcade But what
Jamie really wanted to do Was ride the
bumper cars Only as long as he could
remember He'd been turned away from the
bumper car ride Because there was a sign
outside that said How tall you had to be
And little Jamie's head never reached.
Anywhere near the top of the sign Only on
this day There was a new guy working there.
A teenager, actually Who was too busy
trying to make a date With a pretty blonde
girl in shorts To pay much attention to
Jamie So, Jamie paid his 50 cents And
happy as could be, he climbed into a
bumper car Now, I know that in a good once
upon a time story This would be the happy
ending But, unfortunately, in our story.
This is where it gets dark and ugly The
way real life sometimes does You see,
on this particular day There was a gang of
high school boys at the park When they saw
a little girl Jamie in the bumper car they
decided, the way bullies often do that it
would be fun to gang up on someone who
couldn't fight back The sport was to get
Jamie to hit him and then hit him again
smashing into this undersized boy in this
inadequately cushioned bumper car over and
over again head on blindside from the rear
making him shriek and cry and beg for them
to stop only they didn't stop so they just
kept hitting Jamie he remembers 2025
times his little body and neck whipping
back and forth until finally he doesn't
remember anything at all until the next
day when he woke up in a hospital room now
I know that we are asking for a lot of
money today to compensate Jamie for the
injuries he suffered In the bumper car?
A million dollars.
A fortune, you might say.
But is it?
How do you measure compensation for the
kind of searing, bone-gnashing,
blinding pain that this little boy suffers every
day of his life since the bumper car assault?
The truth is, there isn't any amount of money
adequate enough to compensate for so much pain.
But, unfortunately, money is the best we
can do toward addressing Jamie's grievous
injuries and toward punishing the amusement
park so that this sort of thing never happens again.
Unfortunately, not exactly a fairytale ending.
But, in real life, the best we can do.
Thank you.
It is nearing 4 P.M.
We will recess for the day.
And we shall reconvene at 9 A.M.
Oh, Mr. Sifuentes, I presume.
Yes, Brackman.
Sheila, come in, come in.
Thank you.
These are for you.
They're lovely.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Douglas has spoken so highly of you.
Oh, thank you.
And you're so tall.
Amigo!
Welcome, Mr. Brackman.
Come.
Estella.
Estella Escobar.
Meet Victor Sifuentes.
We're not just talking your average housekeeper.
I mean, Maria is an absolute gem.
A valued member of their family, almost.
Trisha lets her drive the Mercedes wagon, for God's sake.
So, here they are, schlepping out of
Gelson's with $200 worth of groceries.
Maria and both Gutman children.
When these INS goons sweep down on them from literally
nowhere and kidnap this poor woman out of the parking lot.
Thank God Tricia was home taking a tennis lesson.
She rushed out and picked up the children,
but can you imagine?
It was devastating.
Her little ones are still traumatized.
Every time, Tricia just drives past Gelson's.
The children start to shriek.
Speaking of which, Estella, darling.
Esta pasipo va a los muchachas con,
como se dice, ice cream?
Helado.
Helado.
Muchas gracias.
So, what do you think?
Oh, she's very nice.
You can see why we're so anxious to keep her.
Keep her?
Estella, of course.
Our housekeeper.
She's your housekeeper?
From El Salvador.
And frankly, Victor, we're worried sick about losing her.
Particularly after that nightmare the
Gutmans have gone through.
That's why we were hoping, after you met
her, of course, that you'd want to help her out.
Well, I'm no expert on immigration law, but
I'd certainly be willing to initiate the paperwork.
I could do that myself, amigo.
But with the INS cracking down harder
every day, and it takes years to get them
their green cards, actually, I was
wondering if you'd be amenable to
marriage, strictly for convenience sake,
of course, and I can assure you it
wouldn't hurt you career-wise,
and, after a year or so, she files for
divorce, you've got a hell of a nerve
setting me up like this, pimping for your
housekeeper, humiliating her, no wonder
she couldn't look me in the eye,
calm down, calm down, what have you got in
between your ears anyway, I can't be
brained, you're sitting on them,
so forget about it, no big deal, ta-da!
Um, Victor, wait until you taste this woman's flan.
I suppose I owe you an apology.
You got that right.
On review, it was insensitive of me not to
tell you my plan before springing it like that.
Insensitivity aside, what you were trying to do is illegal.
Shh!
I regard it as a great favor, Victor, a
great favor, if you would take on her case.
By the numbers, no hanky-panky.
Please, Victor, I'm a desperate man.
Sheila is virtually paralyzed with fear that Estella
is going to be picked up in one of those sweeps.
It's all I hear about night and day.
If not for me, then for Estella.
I've already started the paperwork.
It's not her fault you're such a jerk.
Mr. Laughlin, finally what you described,
not as an expert, but just as a father.
The changes in Jamie since the accident.
He was always, uh, you know, the happiest kind of kid.
Big smile on his face.
Sunshine.
His mother used to call him that before.
And now he's, uh, he's
See, the doctors say that there's nothing
they can do, but I know that that's not the case.
That's not true.
I read about this clinic in Switzerland,
and if we had the money, I Objection!
Irrelevant!
Maybe we could do something
for Jamie Objection sustained.
Mr. Laughlin, you will please confine
yourself to answering the question as posed.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
It's just that
It's just that he's my boy.
The hour is approaching noon.
We will recess until 1 P.M.
At that time, we will resume Mr. Laughlin's testimony.
Uh, we'll be going over some of
the possible questions Kuzak!
If you could spare a moment of your time.
Excuse me.
I'll catch up with you.
You're really very skillful, Mr. Kuzak.
If I was on that jury, you'd have me in your pocket.
Do I take this to be your opening move in
the settlement tangle, Mr. Ressler?
Not exactly.
I believe you to be an ethical man, Mr. Kuzak.
Accordingly, I'm going to assume you knew
nothing about this.
I didn't until yesterday.
A revised list of the witnesses I intend to call.
Under the circumstances, I wouldn't object
if you asked for a contiguous.
Who's Dr. Maxwell Rosen?
Ask your clients.
Somehow, during discovery, they managed to
forget all about it.
You might also want to ask about the
Arnold Wexler attorney.
Lachlan legally adopted the boy shortly
after the bumper car incident.
Are there any other witnesses I should ask my client about?
Several.
Though I'm not certain how Judge Nisano he
would feel about their presence in his courtroom.
Foxy Lady, Rupert's Pride, Dilly Dally, just a few of
Mr. Laughlin's losers this weekend at Hollywood Park.
It is not a crime to play the ponies, Mr. Reznor.
True.
And if Jamie's case doesn't pan out, he'll even have his
own personal injury suit when both his legs get broken.
Your loving, devoted, selfless daddy,
Mr. Kuzak, is in deep with the books.
It's a big deal.
Rosen testifies for them.
We got Dr. Phillips on our team.
According to Dr. Rosen's sworn statement,
he treated Jamie after the bumper car accident.
Diagnosis, superficial abrasions and cervical strain.
In other words, scratches and a mild whiplash.
You're a smart lawyer, Mr. Kuzak.
You can trick him up on the stand,
make him look like an incompetent.
Dr. Rosen also treated Jamie two years prior to the bumper
car incident when he fell out
of a swing set in your backyard.
It says here, Jamie was in a coma.
He was in a coma for seven days,
hospitalized for a total of three weeks.
He needed an orthopedic brace and physical
therapy for 11 months.
You have any idea how much something like that costs, huh?
Damn near broke my back.
So, when this other thing happened,
you figured you could get even.
You adopted Jamie, legally changed his name so that the
medical records on this earlier accident couldn't be traced.
Look at him.
He is never going to be completely normal.
You don't think he deserves some type of help?
What?
You want my heart to bleed for the insurance company?
They got more money than God.
I mean, who is it going to hurt, huh?
Just tell me that.
Who the hell is it going to hurt?
As we assess it, the taxpayer has deprived the
government of $2,823,418 in uncollected revenues.
Over my dead body.
Irving, please.
Mr. Fletcher, I can certainly see how at
first blush you might assess things that
way, which is why I prepared a few additional
tables, schedules, and indices for you to peruse.
Excuse me.
Ray, you want to bring it in there?
Here, let's go right here.
Great, thanks.
Good Lord.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin
with the first step, Mr. Fletcher.
So, uh, excuse me.
Pardon me.
So, uh, in no particular order?
Yeah, here's a schedule of deductions
arising from Mrs. Lewis's recent video
set, appended to which is a discussion of
the implications of the proposed tax
revision on the investment tax credit of same.
Before we need even consider the specific
deductions, I must first be persuaded that Mrs.
Lewis had a bona fide intent to make a profit.
Quite frankly, in the absence of
income-generating activities
In Vegas, they paid her $100,000.
Yeah.
Yeah, she sang two numbers in the 1984 telethon.
I'd be willing to bet the $100,000 was paid pursuant
to her agreement that she donated back to the charity.
By me, she makes Streisand look like amateur night.
Frankly, Mr. Fletcher, I anticipated you
having some problems in this area,
and that's why I prepared this schedule
for your convenience.
1-18-83, good morning, Omaha.
She earned $137.50.
325, Regis Philbin show, $137.50.
430, in the kitchen with Dinah.
I'm afraid not.
Ah, gentlemen, even if, arguendo,
I am convinced there is a bona fide
intent, these so-called business expenses are
completely out of line and grossly exceed any income.
Which ones, exactly?
$127,000 for hairstyling.
Well, I should point out, Mr. Fletcher,
that's hairstyling and nail maintenance.
But here it is, right here.
Hairstyling.
Here we go.
We'll start in 1983.
1-1.
Change.
Shampoo, cut, and blow dry.
You with me?
Right.
$250, and there's a $50 gratuity as well.
1-2.
Full set of porcelain nails, $75.
Oh, and by the way, my car's in the lot.
It'll be okay there after dark, won't it?
Now, now, now, look at this.
$863,000 for a wardrobe.
It's over a three-year period.
And I'm sure if you'll just be a little patient,
you'll see that every dollar is accounted for.
Here we go.
Here's for you.
All right, 1-383, Bugle Beach, you with me?
So that's red, $312, blue, $289, gold, $371.
Ah, no.
U.S.
Versus Van Allen, U.S.
versus Jameson.
This is not a business.
And that's it.
Well, uh, with all due respect,
Mr. Fletcher, I truthfully don't think
you've taken into consideration the
full implications of the recent case, U.S.
versus Jameson.
Which is directly on point.
Miller.
Miller.
In an appeal from a judgment from the
United States District Court from the.
Central District of California, reviewing the district
court's ruling for finding of summary judgment, Miller?
Mr. Markowitz, it's so late.
The IRS originally disallowed deductions
arising from the taxpayer's activities as
an organizer and baritone of a barbershop
group quartet, citing his expenditures for
wardrobe, including dry cleaning of the
striped shirt, hair tonic, as well as
singing lessons, washboard and fiddle drum
accompaniment, and transportation to and
from his friend's apartment, where the
group rehearsed two times weekly,
as grossly exceeding any income generated
by the quartet, the IRS disallowed the
taxpayer's assertion of bona fide
intention to earn a profit.
Is there much more?
Well, in summary, the Court of Appeals
found in favor of defendant Miller,
stating the IRS had no business in judging
professional or amateur status in
professions of individuals if they earned
any income whatsoever.
No matter how much their expenses exceeded such income.
And I have a table.
No, please.
I'll tell you what.
Give me the evening to refresh my memory
about the precedents that you've already
cited and we'll meet again tomorrow at 9 a .m.
at which time I'll give you my ruling.
You killer, you son of a gun.
I made it up.
You made up what?
U.S.
Versus Miller.
I made up every word of it.
So what?
He bought it, didn't he?
It's fraud, for God's sakes.
I could go to jail.
If he checks.
Irving, I'm sorry, but I've got to go back in there.
Hey, listen to me, kid.
5.15, right?
10 to 1, he's in the bathroom right now having a swig.
By 7 O'clock, he's blotto.
He drifts home by 11 O'clock, he passes
out on the sofa, he oversleeps,
he chugs a couple of beers for breakfast
just to get even, and then he shows up at
tomorrow's meeting pretending that he knew
what you were talking about because he's
embarrassed to admit that he was too bummed to look it up.
If I don't go back in there right now, I may as
well bend over and kiss my career goodbye.
If you do that, kid, you may as well bend
over and kiss my business goodbye.
Yeah,
I don't know what came over me.
I mean, I've never done anything like that
before in my life.
What are you gonna do?
Well, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
If Fletcher researches it, discovers the
lie, he nails me for fraud.
But if I go in there and tell him I was just kidding, he
nails Irving Lewis and Lewis pulls his business from the fur.
And either way, if the ethics committee
finds out, I'll be disbarred.
I don't think they'd really disbar you.
They wouldn't?
Probably just an interim suspension, probation.
Great.
There's a third alternative.
What?
Tell me.
Do nothing.
Chances are you were so convincing, he'll
sit down and negotiate a favorable settlement.
It's dishonest.
I can never live with myself.
Diogenes would love you.
I probably want to deduct the cost of the
lantern as a business expense.
Anyway, look, I made my bed.
I'll sleep in it.
Speaking of which, how would you like to
Grant to condemn man his last wish?
If I can.
Spend the night with me?
I like you, Stuart.
A lot.
I just don't want to rush it.
Was I that bad the first time?
I don't know.
The truth is, I don't remember.
So, not terrible, just not memorable.
Stuart, I'm not much of a drinker.
I got drunk.
I don't remember anything that happened
after we left Leland's party.
For all I know, it never happened at all.
It happened.
It was the sexiest night of my life.
You were probably wonderful.
I just can't remember.
Are you sober now?
Totally.
Maybe I need a refresher course.
Check, please.
Mr. Fletcher?
Already?
Yeah, I, uh, I want to speak to you about
that precedent I cited yesterday.
Yes, of course.
I spent some time on it myself last night.
Interesting.
I can only find my notes.
What was it you were going to say?
Well, just that I reviewed it, so I'm
sure we came to the same conclusion.
And what conclusion was that?
That Miller isn't really on point at all.
No.
No.
Not at all.
And that I'm sorry I misspoke myself yesterday.
Well, as long as we caught it in time.
So where does that leave us, exactly?
I guess I can't convince you it's a business.
Look, I want to be reasonable, Mr. Markowitz.
You can tell your client that he may take as much
time as he needs to pay off the, uh, what was it?
2.8 million?
2.8.
I could probably waive the penalties.
I hate to dump my personal problems on
you, Mr. Fletcher, but 2.8, huh?
I could lose my job.
What if I sneaked 2.5 past my people?
Wouldn't help.
What do you think you could live with?
How about 1.4?
Round numbers like that.
Hmm.
What about 1,766,000?
My boss will buy that.
What about yours?
$1,700,000.
Let's change.
Irving Lewis told me that you were a
genius, that you had them bamboozled.
Some genius.
Yeah, well, I committed a fraud.
I could have been disbarred.
Oh, and this way, all that happens is we
lose a major client.
Major dollars.
Dollars that come directly out of my
pocket as a partner in this firm.
I don't think Irving will really pull out his business.
You haven't told him yet.
I can't get hold of him.
Oh.
Well, you'll be sure and let me know when you do.
And in the meantime, Stuart.
Yes, sir.
In the ecology of this firm's food chain.
Yes, sir.
Here are the points and authorities you need.
Thanks.
I have to pick Eric up at school and take
him to the dentist, but I will be back by 2.30.
You don't have to clock in and out with me.
Just take care of yourself.
Okay.
And I'm here if you need to talk.
Thank you.
Really.
Thanks.
Hi.
Is, um, Stacy around?
Stacy's on her honeymoon.
You're kidding.
I was here on Friday.
She didn't even tell me.
You are?
Eric's mom, Abigail Perkins.
Eric went home already.
What do you mean he went home?
His father picked him up.
He can't.
There's a restraining order.
I told Stacy that.
Sorry, nobody said anything to me.
What time was he here?
About 11.30.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Mr. Laughlin, who is Dr. Maxwell Rosen?
He was the doctor who treated Jamie years
ago after he fell off his swing set.
And his injuries were quite serious.
Is that right?
Well, at the time, they sure seemed that
way, to me and my wife at least.
But I guess that's the way all parents are.
Anything that happens to your boy always
hurts you the worst.
And yet, Mr. Laughlin, when you were
asked, in connection with this case,
to provide a list of all the doctors who
had treated Jamie during any time in his
life, you deliberately omitted Dr. Rosen's name.
No, it was nothing deliberate.
I just forgot to write it down.
You forgot?
Well, after the bumper car accident and
worrying about Jamie, I couldn't remember
everyone who ever filled a cavity or put on a Band-Aid.
But this was more than a Band-Aid.
A lot more, wasn't it?
Yes.
Yes, you're right.
And I'm sorry if it caused a problem, my forgetting it.
Isn't it true that you deliberately
omitted Dr. Rosen's name because you
didn't want anyone to know that it was the
accident on the swing set that caused.
Jamie's neurological problems and not the bumper car ride?
No.
If you had seen Jamie after the bumper car
accident, that's all I could think about.
How badly he'd been hurt.
It didn't even cross my mind to think
about a little fall he had when he was a baby.
Isn't it true, Mr. Laughlin, that you went
so far as to change Jamie's last name to
prevent us from discovering his previous
treatment by Dr. Rosen?
What are you talking about?
Mr. Laughlin, you testified yesterday
about your son, Jamie's condition?
Yes.
Isn't it true that Jamie Laughlin is
actually your adopted son?
He's my son.
And yes, I adopted him, but I don't see
what this has to do with it.
Isn't it true you adopted him right after
the bumper car incident?
A few months afterward.
Interesting timing.
What are you saying?
Isn't it true that you adopted him because you saw
the chance to make money off of his insurance claim?
As his father, you would get some of it, right?
You could pay off your bookies.
Objection.
Withdraw the question.
Isn't it true, Mr. Laughlin, that the
reason you adopted Jamie and gave him a
new last name is so that we would never
discover any of his previous medical records at all?
Do you really believe what you're saying, or are
you just going after me because this is your job?
Just answer the question, Mr. Laughlin.
All right.
I adopted him because his biological
father, my wife's ex-husband, wouldn't
have anything to do with him after the bumper car accident.
He said it made him too depressed to be around him.
Poor little boy.
He was in so much physical pain, he
didn't need that kind of rejection, too.
So I adopted Jamie, because I wanted him
to know that he had a father who loved him.
Full name?
Eric Michael Perkins.
Age?
Three and a half.
Exact date of birth?
Born and stuck in 1983.
Okay, height?
About three foot two.
Hair?
Oh, come on, it's kind of a full cut.
Weight?
Thirty-five pounds.
What was he wearing?
A sneaker.
They're red, high tops, blue jeans,
um, a red and white t-shirt.
I have a picture of it.
Here's a copy of the restraining order.
We've already spoken with Judge Robbins.
She'll issue a bench warrant as soon as you call.
Okay, uh, what kind of car does your husband drive?
Uh, a 75 Volvo wagon.
It's white.
You know the license number offhand?
No.
That's okay.
When we get it, we'll put it on the wire.
That's, that's it?
Can you just Put it on the wire?
He's cleaned out both bank accounts, he's maxed
out the credit cards, he's taken the boys' clothes.
This is not a weekend trip to Disneyland, detective.
Counselor, do you know how many missing
kid reports we get annually?
It's volume one of the three-volume set.
You want my advice?
You get a good P.I.
and you track him down yourself.
Dammit, detective!
My husband violates a T.R.O., kidnapping my son,
and the best thing you can tell me is to get my own P.I.
Well, I'm sorry, we don't have the time,
manpower, or money to do the job for you.
Okay,
now, with all due respect, this is the
kind of stuff we have down here, huh?
You can open the line on them, you
give me a call, and we'll take it from there.
Thank you, detective.
You call Judge Robin, even as we speak.
Thank you.
Come on, Abby.
Yes?
Excuse me.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Not at all.
Come in.
I heard what happened.
I'm terribly sorry.
Thank you.
Has there been any word, or
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please, sit down.
Yes?
Mr. Mckenzie, Mr. Lewis is here.
Put him in the conference room and tell
him I'll be with him in a few minutes.
Now then, just tell me what we can do to help.
Actually, well What I've been
thinking, under the circumstances,
I think that it might be in the
firm's best interest if I resign.
Oh, I'll hear of no such thing.
I won't be capable of doing the work that I was hired
Ms. Perkins, getting your son back is all that matters.
Toward which end, you will have the full
resources of this firm at your disposal.
Is that clear?
Yes.
Thank you, sir.
I'm just so afraid.
That I won't ever see him again.
She's gone.
Leland, she left me.
After everything I gave her, huh?
The money, the clothes, the lessons.
She leaves me for that dancer in the video, the blondie.
I thought he was a faggler.
The agent calls me, practically gets on his knees,
begging me to use him, and this is the kind of a
Irving, are you absolutely certain?
She didn't come home last night.
This morning I get a phone call.
Collect, no less.
She's in Hawaii with this Yutz.
She is a very young woman, Irving.
Now, these things happen.
A week or two, it'll run its course.
Don't you think I said that?
I'm not the bull I used to be.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I function.
I function plenty.
Look, I can understand the fling, I tell her.
She says it's not a fling.
It's deep spiritual love, she says.
First time she's ever
Uh.
Uh.
No, really.
There's no fool like an old fool.
I love her.
And she left me.
I know how you must feel, but I've got to
believe that she'll come back.
Oh, no, it's over.
My life has turned to crap.
And she says she's happy for the first time in her life.
She says I made her sick.
She says she wants a divorce right away.
She's earned her freedom.
Now, what the hell is that?
I think we'd better get Becker and
Markowitz onto this right away.
Well, do what you want.
Let's go.
You old man.
He wants us.
What for?
He's got Irving Lewis with him.
Oh, God, well, that's it.
I'm finished.
Well, the one who's finished is Irving Lewis.
Bimbo wife left him for the arms of another.
She left him?
She left him as in divorce?
As in?
Mrs.
Lewis will try to say it's a community
business expense, of course.
But the IRS already said it's no business.
And is the IRS ever wrong?
Never.
It's a hobby.
And all the money Irving poured into Mrs.
Lewis' little hobby was of a personal nature.
On top of which, they're on the books as
loans anyway for accounting purposes.
Loans.
Due and payable upon dissolution of the corporation.
We dissolve the corporation.
Call the loans, subtract that from
the community assets, as well as Mrs.
Lewis' liability for half the $1.7 million in back taxes.
And the way I figure it, Mrs. Lewis is
going to end up owing money to Mr. Lewis.
Stuart Markowitz, you total schnauzer.
I love it.
And this is kosher, what we're doing?
Absolutely.
Leland, I hate this whole thing.
I wish it wasn't happening.
But I feel like these boys are my own sons.
They're so smart.
That's what we're here for, Irv.
And you!
I thought I was going to have to give you
a smack after that tax fiasco.
But you turned a cow's ear into a sheepskin first.
Counselor.
Mr. Ressler.
Got your dancing shoes on?
One hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Right now.
Today.
Why?
You got me on the ropes.
Off the record, your clients are scum.
We both know it.
But the jury doesn't or they don't care.
Besides, look at me and look at you.
Juries generally don't find me
particularly attractive or sympathetic.
Whereas you're a persuasive lawyer, Mr. Kuzak.
A good looking and personable man.
And of course, there's the pitiful little
boy sitting there in the courtroom.
We've run this through our computers.
In cases with injuries similar to this, the awards
range from a low of $400,000 to millions of dollars.
So $150,000 seems like a bargain.
Like I said before, Mr. Kuzak,
I think you're an ethical attorney.
I want to believe you don't like rewarding
thieves any more than I do.
But as far as I can see, this is the only
way to make this damn case go away.
Let me talk to Michael.
Complaints.
150K?
Is he kidding?
Tell him to jam it.
Under the circumstances, it sounds like a
pretty decent offer to me.
Circumstances?
That guy's gonna get his head handed to
him by that jury, and he knows it.
There's your circumstances.
That may be.
But then two things are gonna happen.
One, they're gonna appeal to judgment.
It'll be years before you ever see a dime.
And two, they're gonna go to the DA to
bring charges against you for fraud.
Oh, they can't prove a damn thing.
You're a good actor, Mr. Laughlin.
You really had that jury going.
But don't kid yourself.
There's a strong case here for fraud.
And if you're found guilty, it could
vitiate the original judgment.
What's that mean?
Vitiate?
Weaken.
Invalidate.
In short, Mr. Laughlin, you could wind up with
nothing but a jail sentence and a pile of legal fees.
Lawyers, you all stick together, don't you?
What'd that guy Ressler offer you to Jack us up, huh?
Mr. Laughlin.
My firm has no interest in benefiting from fraud.
If you decide to take Mr. Ressler's offer,
we intend to waive our percentage.
If we accept, what happens to the money?
The entire $150,000 will go into a trust for
Jamie's special educational and medical needs.
We'll take it.
Hey, come on.
He's my son.
Well, what about us?
What about our needs?
Try getting a job, Mr. Laughlin.
And did you state that on the Sunday
morning in question, you accidentally hit
Mr. Jackson on the head with a Steve
Garvey model K-55 Louisville Slugger?
That's right.
Accidentally.
Mr. Laughlin, if in fact you were not
intending to Rob Mr. Jackson, what were
you doing with a baseball bat concealed on
your person in the first place?
I play in a softball league.
I was on my way to the game.
At 6.30 A.M.
in a dashiki?
My uniform was in the dry cleaner.
I see.
Thank you, Mr. Lafollette.
No more questions, Your Honor.
You may step down, Mr. Lafollette.
And as the hour is growing late,
let us adjourn until 9 A.M.
I got that case won.
It's not exactly in Herrick the Wind.
Careful, that's my favorite movie ever.
Actually, I became a lawyer because of Spencer Tracy.
For me, it was Gregory Peck.
Oh, get out of here.
To Kill a Mock?
Well, Gregory Peck was good, but Spencer Tracy,
he was Well, you'd get along great with my dad.
He loves Spencer Tracy, too.
Your dad a lawyer?
Mm-mm.
He's a milkman.
So, has he met old what's-his-name yet?
He meets old what's-his-name this weekend.
I'm pretty nervous about it.
Well, I got a good idea.
Why don't you take me instead?
You're getting pushy again.
That's not pushy.
If I was to kiss you, that would be pushy.
There's a two-word description for
what I'd be if I let you kiss me, Mr.
Kuzak, and the second word rhymes with freezer.
Good night, counselor.
Previously on L.A.
Law.
What happened between us was one of those things
that occasionally just happens between two people.
Gee, I was kind of looking forward to it happening again.
I don't think it will.
I've left my husband.
We got into a fight about his drinking,
and when I told him that I would leave him
if he didn't stop, he became abusive, and he threatened me.
The thing is, I'm engaged.
I'm getting married in three weeks.
What about these feelings that we have?
It's the nice thing about being a grown-up, Mr. Kuzak.
Having them doesn't mean we have to act on them.
Morning, Mr. Brackman.
Ms. Melman.
Victor, how goes it?
Good.
Good.
Very good.
How long have you been with us now, Victor?
Well, it's closing in on eight or nine days now.
Getting acclimated?
So far, so good.
Good.
I was thinking, it might be nice if we got
to know each other outside the office.
Maybe come to the house for dinner sometime.
That'd be nice.
How about tonight?
Tonight?
I'd have to check on my calendar.
Try.
7.30.
Come alone.
Be there, or be square.
Hi there, kid.
Hi, Rox.
How we doing?
Oh, I'm surviving.
You hang in there, honey.
You may not realize it yet, but you're
better off without him.
Thanks, Roxanne.
Really.
Men, take away the sex part and the
security part, and they're the total pits.
Therefore, I strongly urge you to limit
consumption to one refreshment per day.
Oh, God, Douglas.
This firm's monthly beverage bill has
leapfrogged into the low four figures.
A dehydrated clientele is an unhappy clientele, Douglas.
Let them drink water.
Now, if you don't mind, status re, Lewis tax audit.
He's coming in at 11.30.
I continue to advance the notion of postponement.
Oh, Stuart is ready.
Irving is adamant.
No postponement.
So be it.
What about Rosen versus Rosen?
Settling.
Galloway versus Galloway.
They're still beefing over the custody of Squeaker.
Squeaker?
They're Yorkie.
Mrs. Galloway refers to it as Squeaker of the house.
Snyder versus Snyder.
Mr. Snyder claims that Mrs. Snyder was unfaithful
on 14 separate occasions one weekend in Vegas.
Mrs. Snyder essentially agrees,
but alleges it was at the request of Mr.
Snyder, who desperately needed immediate
cash to save his floundering go-go bar in Long Beach.
I know, I shouldn't touch it, but it's a
classic in its genre.
Perkins versus Perkins.
Mr. Perkins is under a TRO pending the court's
ruling on custody and visitation of their minor son, Eric.
We wish you well, Ms. Perkins,
during your time of emotional travail.
Thank you.
Moving on.
Lachlan versus Peer Amusement Park, Inc.
Proceeding to trial when?
This afternoon.
Oh, that's pretty short notice.
Are you fully prepared?
Does a chicken have lips?
Well, stepping in for a deceased attorney,
you're certainly entitled to a continuous.
This case has been dragging on for four years.
If we wait for a new court date, that's another year.
Aren't the issues rather clear-cut anyway?
Young boy suffers devastating neurological damage
due to negligent operation of amusement park ride.
The jury empathizes copiously, comes back with large award.
I know the lawyer was a friend of yours, Leland,
but his pretrial preparation is inexcusably sloppy.
Minimal discovery and a low-rent Dr.
Feelgood is his expert witness.
Frankly, I find that surprising.
In his day, Donald Erlinger was the best of words.
May I ask a question?
Eh?
Does a chicken have lips?
The.
Point is, when a client is present at an
IRA, it's another wild card.
Yeah, I agree with Leland.
We give up a lot in the way of leverage.
Irving, if Leland or I were to accompany Stuart
down there, would that make you more confident?
What's the big timmis here, anyway?
$3 million, Mr. Lewis.
If the IRS determines that Mrs. Lewis'
show business career constituted a hobby
rather than a legitimate business,
that's $2.8 million plus penalties.
Hobby, my tuchus.
When they see her new video, they're gonna
wind up owing us money.
This woman is a white Whitney Houston.
I'll go to the Supreme Court if I have to.
Well, uh, hopefully that won't be necessary.
You see, the appeal officer in this case is a gentleman
named Marv Fletcher, and Marv's got a drinking problem.
Well, we'll Bury him in paper,
then around 4, 4.30, when his mouth starts
feeling dry, we'll come in with a low ball offer.
I postponed four times till we got him.
Good.
I like that kind of thinking, but trust
me, this baby is the clincher.
Have you fellas got a VCR machine here anywhere?
You're in for a treat.
I always related to Red Riding Hood I
picture myself skipping through the woods
I wanna be chased and scared to be a girl I always thought
that wolves wouldn't be so understood Look at those legs.
Sorry,
I left some comments.
I keep on doing it until I'm very old As
long as there's a woman around Then I
can't hold That's the part I love When Denitra
rubs up against the guy Is that sex appeal or what?
I ask you, is this woman a pistol?
Good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen With
your indulgence, I'd like to tell you a
once upon a time story Once upon a time,
there was a little boy named Jamie.
Laughlin He was seven years old He was
happy and healthy and normal in every way.
His favorite things were Rocky Road ice
cream His little dog, Misty The Dodgers
baseball team And the amusement park that
was less than a mile from his house One
day, as a reward for sweeping up all the
leaves in the backyard Jamie's mother gave
him five dollars He took the money,
ran to the amusement park Rode the
merry-go-round twice Played soccer Played
skee-ball in the Penny Arcade But what
Jamie really wanted to do Was ride the
bumper cars Only as long as he could
remember He'd been turned away from the
bumper car ride Because there was a sign
outside that said How tall you had to be
And little Jamie's head never reached.
Anywhere near the top of the sign Only on
this day There was a new guy working there.
A teenager, actually Who was too busy
trying to make a date With a pretty blonde
girl in shorts To pay much attention to
Jamie So, Jamie paid his 50 cents And
happy as could be, he climbed into a
bumper car Now, I know that in a good once
upon a time story This would be the happy
ending But, unfortunately, in our story.
This is where it gets dark and ugly The
way real life sometimes does You see,
on this particular day There was a gang of
high school boys at the park When they saw
a little girl Jamie in the bumper car they
decided, the way bullies often do that it
would be fun to gang up on someone who
couldn't fight back The sport was to get
Jamie to hit him and then hit him again
smashing into this undersized boy in this
inadequately cushioned bumper car over and
over again head on blindside from the rear
making him shriek and cry and beg for them
to stop only they didn't stop so they just
kept hitting Jamie he remembers 2025
times his little body and neck whipping
back and forth until finally he doesn't
remember anything at all until the next
day when he woke up in a hospital room now
I know that we are asking for a lot of
money today to compensate Jamie for the
injuries he suffered In the bumper car?
A million dollars.
A fortune, you might say.
But is it?
How do you measure compensation for the
kind of searing, bone-gnashing,
blinding pain that this little boy suffers every
day of his life since the bumper car assault?
The truth is, there isn't any amount of money
adequate enough to compensate for so much pain.
But, unfortunately, money is the best we
can do toward addressing Jamie's grievous
injuries and toward punishing the amusement
park so that this sort of thing never happens again.
Unfortunately, not exactly a fairytale ending.
But, in real life, the best we can do.
Thank you.
It is nearing 4 P.M.
We will recess for the day.
And we shall reconvene at 9 A.M.
Oh, Mr. Sifuentes, I presume.
Yes, Brackman.
Sheila, come in, come in.
Thank you.
These are for you.
They're lovely.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
Douglas has spoken so highly of you.
Oh, thank you.
And you're so tall.
Amigo!
Welcome, Mr. Brackman.
Come.
Estella.
Estella Escobar.
Meet Victor Sifuentes.
We're not just talking your average housekeeper.
I mean, Maria is an absolute gem.
A valued member of their family, almost.
Trisha lets her drive the Mercedes wagon, for God's sake.
So, here they are, schlepping out of
Gelson's with $200 worth of groceries.
Maria and both Gutman children.
When these INS goons sweep down on them from literally
nowhere and kidnap this poor woman out of the parking lot.
Thank God Tricia was home taking a tennis lesson.
She rushed out and picked up the children,
but can you imagine?
It was devastating.
Her little ones are still traumatized.
Every time, Tricia just drives past Gelson's.
The children start to shriek.
Speaking of which, Estella, darling.
Esta pasipo va a los muchachas con,
como se dice, ice cream?
Helado.
Helado.
Muchas gracias.
So, what do you think?
Oh, she's very nice.
You can see why we're so anxious to keep her.
Keep her?
Estella, of course.
Our housekeeper.
She's your housekeeper?
From El Salvador.
And frankly, Victor, we're worried sick about losing her.
Particularly after that nightmare the
Gutmans have gone through.
That's why we were hoping, after you met
her, of course, that you'd want to help her out.
Well, I'm no expert on immigration law, but
I'd certainly be willing to initiate the paperwork.
I could do that myself, amigo.
But with the INS cracking down harder
every day, and it takes years to get them
their green cards, actually, I was
wondering if you'd be amenable to
marriage, strictly for convenience sake,
of course, and I can assure you it
wouldn't hurt you career-wise,
and, after a year or so, she files for
divorce, you've got a hell of a nerve
setting me up like this, pimping for your
housekeeper, humiliating her, no wonder
she couldn't look me in the eye,
calm down, calm down, what have you got in
between your ears anyway, I can't be
brained, you're sitting on them,
so forget about it, no big deal, ta-da!
Um, Victor, wait until you taste this woman's flan.
I suppose I owe you an apology.
You got that right.
On review, it was insensitive of me not to
tell you my plan before springing it like that.
Insensitivity aside, what you were trying to do is illegal.
Shh!
I regard it as a great favor, Victor, a
great favor, if you would take on her case.
By the numbers, no hanky-panky.
Please, Victor, I'm a desperate man.
Sheila is virtually paralyzed with fear that Estella
is going to be picked up in one of those sweeps.
It's all I hear about night and day.
If not for me, then for Estella.
I've already started the paperwork.
It's not her fault you're such a jerk.
Mr. Laughlin, finally what you described,
not as an expert, but just as a father.
The changes in Jamie since the accident.
He was always, uh, you know, the happiest kind of kid.
Big smile on his face.
Sunshine.
His mother used to call him that before.
And now he's, uh, he's
See, the doctors say that there's nothing
they can do, but I know that that's not the case.
That's not true.
I read about this clinic in Switzerland,
and if we had the money, I Objection!
Irrelevant!
Maybe we could do something
for Jamie Objection sustained.
Mr. Laughlin, you will please confine
yourself to answering the question as posed.
I'm sorry, Your Honor.
It's just that
It's just that he's my boy.
The hour is approaching noon.
We will recess until 1 P.M.
At that time, we will resume Mr. Laughlin's testimony.
Uh, we'll be going over some of
the possible questions Kuzak!
If you could spare a moment of your time.
Excuse me.
I'll catch up with you.
You're really very skillful, Mr. Kuzak.
If I was on that jury, you'd have me in your pocket.
Do I take this to be your opening move in
the settlement tangle, Mr. Ressler?
Not exactly.
I believe you to be an ethical man, Mr. Kuzak.
Accordingly, I'm going to assume you knew
nothing about this.
I didn't until yesterday.
A revised list of the witnesses I intend to call.
Under the circumstances, I wouldn't object
if you asked for a contiguous.
Who's Dr. Maxwell Rosen?
Ask your clients.
Somehow, during discovery, they managed to
forget all about it.
You might also want to ask about the
Arnold Wexler attorney.
Lachlan legally adopted the boy shortly
after the bumper car incident.
Are there any other witnesses I should ask my client about?
Several.
Though I'm not certain how Judge Nisano he
would feel about their presence in his courtroom.
Foxy Lady, Rupert's Pride, Dilly Dally, just a few of
Mr. Laughlin's losers this weekend at Hollywood Park.
It is not a crime to play the ponies, Mr. Reznor.
True.
And if Jamie's case doesn't pan out, he'll even have his
own personal injury suit when both his legs get broken.
Your loving, devoted, selfless daddy,
Mr. Kuzak, is in deep with the books.
It's a big deal.
Rosen testifies for them.
We got Dr. Phillips on our team.
According to Dr. Rosen's sworn statement,
he treated Jamie after the bumper car accident.
Diagnosis, superficial abrasions and cervical strain.
In other words, scratches and a mild whiplash.
You're a smart lawyer, Mr. Kuzak.
You can trick him up on the stand,
make him look like an incompetent.
Dr. Rosen also treated Jamie two years prior to the bumper
car incident when he fell out
of a swing set in your backyard.
It says here, Jamie was in a coma.
He was in a coma for seven days,
hospitalized for a total of three weeks.
He needed an orthopedic brace and physical
therapy for 11 months.
You have any idea how much something like that costs, huh?
Damn near broke my back.
So, when this other thing happened,
you figured you could get even.
You adopted Jamie, legally changed his name so that the
medical records on this earlier accident couldn't be traced.
Look at him.
He is never going to be completely normal.
You don't think he deserves some type of help?
What?
You want my heart to bleed for the insurance company?
They got more money than God.
I mean, who is it going to hurt, huh?
Just tell me that.
Who the hell is it going to hurt?
As we assess it, the taxpayer has deprived the
government of $2,823,418 in uncollected revenues.
Over my dead body.
Irving, please.
Mr. Fletcher, I can certainly see how at
first blush you might assess things that
way, which is why I prepared a few additional
tables, schedules, and indices for you to peruse.
Excuse me.
Ray, you want to bring it in there?
Here, let's go right here.
Great, thanks.
Good Lord.
A journey of a thousand miles must begin
with the first step, Mr. Fletcher.
So, uh, excuse me.
Pardon me.
So, uh, in no particular order?
Yeah, here's a schedule of deductions
arising from Mrs. Lewis's recent video
set, appended to which is a discussion of
the implications of the proposed tax
revision on the investment tax credit of same.
Before we need even consider the specific
deductions, I must first be persuaded that Mrs.
Lewis had a bona fide intent to make a profit.
Quite frankly, in the absence of
income-generating activities
In Vegas, they paid her $100,000.
Yeah.
Yeah, she sang two numbers in the 1984 telethon.
I'd be willing to bet the $100,000 was paid pursuant
to her agreement that she donated back to the charity.
By me, she makes Streisand look like amateur night.
Frankly, Mr. Fletcher, I anticipated you
having some problems in this area,
and that's why I prepared this schedule
for your convenience.
1-18-83, good morning, Omaha.
She earned $137.50.
325, Regis Philbin show, $137.50.
430, in the kitchen with Dinah.
I'm afraid not.
Ah, gentlemen, even if, arguendo,
I am convinced there is a bona fide
intent, these so-called business expenses are
completely out of line and grossly exceed any income.
Which ones, exactly?
$127,000 for hairstyling.
Well, I should point out, Mr. Fletcher,
that's hairstyling and nail maintenance.
But here it is, right here.
Hairstyling.
Here we go.
We'll start in 1983.
1-1.
Change.
Shampoo, cut, and blow dry.
You with me?
Right.
$250, and there's a $50 gratuity as well.
1-2.
Full set of porcelain nails, $75.
Oh, and by the way, my car's in the lot.
It'll be okay there after dark, won't it?
Now, now, now, look at this.
$863,000 for a wardrobe.
It's over a three-year period.
And I'm sure if you'll just be a little patient,
you'll see that every dollar is accounted for.
Here we go.
Here's for you.
All right, 1-383, Bugle Beach, you with me?
So that's red, $312, blue, $289, gold, $371.
Ah, no.
U.S.
Versus Van Allen, U.S.
versus Jameson.
This is not a business.
And that's it.
Well, uh, with all due respect,
Mr. Fletcher, I truthfully don't think
you've taken into consideration the
full implications of the recent case, U.S.
versus Jameson.
Which is directly on point.
Miller.
Miller.
In an appeal from a judgment from the
United States District Court from the.
Central District of California, reviewing the district
court's ruling for finding of summary judgment, Miller?
Mr. Markowitz, it's so late.
The IRS originally disallowed deductions
arising from the taxpayer's activities as
an organizer and baritone of a barbershop
group quartet, citing his expenditures for
wardrobe, including dry cleaning of the
striped shirt, hair tonic, as well as
singing lessons, washboard and fiddle drum
accompaniment, and transportation to and
from his friend's apartment, where the
group rehearsed two times weekly,
as grossly exceeding any income generated
by the quartet, the IRS disallowed the
taxpayer's assertion of bona fide
intention to earn a profit.
Is there much more?
Well, in summary, the Court of Appeals
found in favor of defendant Miller,
stating the IRS had no business in judging
professional or amateur status in
professions of individuals if they earned
any income whatsoever.
No matter how much their expenses exceeded such income.
And I have a table.
No, please.
I'll tell you what.
Give me the evening to refresh my memory
about the precedents that you've already
cited and we'll meet again tomorrow at 9 a .m.
at which time I'll give you my ruling.
You killer, you son of a gun.
I made it up.
You made up what?
U.S.
Versus Miller.
I made up every word of it.
So what?
He bought it, didn't he?
It's fraud, for God's sakes.
I could go to jail.
If he checks.
Irving, I'm sorry, but I've got to go back in there.
Hey, listen to me, kid.
5.15, right?
10 to 1, he's in the bathroom right now having a swig.
By 7 O'clock, he's blotto.
He drifts home by 11 O'clock, he passes
out on the sofa, he oversleeps,
he chugs a couple of beers for breakfast
just to get even, and then he shows up at
tomorrow's meeting pretending that he knew
what you were talking about because he's
embarrassed to admit that he was too bummed to look it up.
If I don't go back in there right now, I may as
well bend over and kiss my career goodbye.
If you do that, kid, you may as well bend
over and kiss my business goodbye.
Yeah,
I don't know what came over me.
I mean, I've never done anything like that
before in my life.
What are you gonna do?
Well, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
If Fletcher researches it, discovers the
lie, he nails me for fraud.
But if I go in there and tell him I was just kidding, he
nails Irving Lewis and Lewis pulls his business from the fur.
And either way, if the ethics committee
finds out, I'll be disbarred.
I don't think they'd really disbar you.
They wouldn't?
Probably just an interim suspension, probation.
Great.
There's a third alternative.
What?
Tell me.
Do nothing.
Chances are you were so convincing, he'll
sit down and negotiate a favorable settlement.
It's dishonest.
I can never live with myself.
Diogenes would love you.
I probably want to deduct the cost of the
lantern as a business expense.
Anyway, look, I made my bed.
I'll sleep in it.
Speaking of which, how would you like to
Grant to condemn man his last wish?
If I can.
Spend the night with me?
I like you, Stuart.
A lot.
I just don't want to rush it.
Was I that bad the first time?
I don't know.
The truth is, I don't remember.
So, not terrible, just not memorable.
Stuart, I'm not much of a drinker.
I got drunk.
I don't remember anything that happened
after we left Leland's party.
For all I know, it never happened at all.
It happened.
It was the sexiest night of my life.
You were probably wonderful.
I just can't remember.
Are you sober now?
Totally.
Maybe I need a refresher course.
Check, please.
Mr. Fletcher?
Already?
Yeah, I, uh, I want to speak to you about
that precedent I cited yesterday.
Yes, of course.
I spent some time on it myself last night.
Interesting.
I can only find my notes.
What was it you were going to say?
Well, just that I reviewed it, so I'm
sure we came to the same conclusion.
And what conclusion was that?
That Miller isn't really on point at all.
No.
No.
Not at all.
And that I'm sorry I misspoke myself yesterday.
Well, as long as we caught it in time.
So where does that leave us, exactly?
I guess I can't convince you it's a business.
Look, I want to be reasonable, Mr. Markowitz.
You can tell your client that he may take as much
time as he needs to pay off the, uh, what was it?
2.8 million?
2.8.
I could probably waive the penalties.
I hate to dump my personal problems on
you, Mr. Fletcher, but 2.8, huh?
I could lose my job.
What if I sneaked 2.5 past my people?
Wouldn't help.
What do you think you could live with?
How about 1.4?
Round numbers like that.
Hmm.
What about 1,766,000?
My boss will buy that.
What about yours?
$1,700,000.
Let's change.
Irving Lewis told me that you were a
genius, that you had them bamboozled.
Some genius.
Yeah, well, I committed a fraud.
I could have been disbarred.
Oh, and this way, all that happens is we
lose a major client.
Major dollars.
Dollars that come directly out of my
pocket as a partner in this firm.
I don't think Irving will really pull out his business.
You haven't told him yet.
I can't get hold of him.
Oh.
Well, you'll be sure and let me know when you do.
And in the meantime, Stuart.
Yes, sir.
In the ecology of this firm's food chain.
Yes, sir.
Here are the points and authorities you need.
Thanks.
I have to pick Eric up at school and take
him to the dentist, but I will be back by 2.30.
You don't have to clock in and out with me.
Just take care of yourself.
Okay.
And I'm here if you need to talk.
Thank you.
Really.
Thanks.
Hi.
Is, um, Stacy around?
Stacy's on her honeymoon.
You're kidding.
I was here on Friday.
She didn't even tell me.
You are?
Eric's mom, Abigail Perkins.
Eric went home already.
What do you mean he went home?
His father picked him up.
He can't.
There's a restraining order.
I told Stacy that.
Sorry, nobody said anything to me.
What time was he here?
About 11.30.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Mr. Laughlin, who is Dr. Maxwell Rosen?
He was the doctor who treated Jamie years
ago after he fell off his swing set.
And his injuries were quite serious.
Is that right?
Well, at the time, they sure seemed that
way, to me and my wife at least.
But I guess that's the way all parents are.
Anything that happens to your boy always
hurts you the worst.
And yet, Mr. Laughlin, when you were
asked, in connection with this case,
to provide a list of all the doctors who
had treated Jamie during any time in his
life, you deliberately omitted Dr. Rosen's name.
No, it was nothing deliberate.
I just forgot to write it down.
You forgot?
Well, after the bumper car accident and
worrying about Jamie, I couldn't remember
everyone who ever filled a cavity or put on a Band-Aid.
But this was more than a Band-Aid.
A lot more, wasn't it?
Yes.
Yes, you're right.
And I'm sorry if it caused a problem, my forgetting it.
Isn't it true that you deliberately
omitted Dr. Rosen's name because you
didn't want anyone to know that it was the
accident on the swing set that caused.
Jamie's neurological problems and not the bumper car ride?
No.
If you had seen Jamie after the bumper car
accident, that's all I could think about.
How badly he'd been hurt.
It didn't even cross my mind to think
about a little fall he had when he was a baby.
Isn't it true, Mr. Laughlin, that you went
so far as to change Jamie's last name to
prevent us from discovering his previous
treatment by Dr. Rosen?
What are you talking about?
Mr. Laughlin, you testified yesterday
about your son, Jamie's condition?
Yes.
Isn't it true that Jamie Laughlin is
actually your adopted son?
He's my son.
And yes, I adopted him, but I don't see
what this has to do with it.
Isn't it true you adopted him right after
the bumper car incident?
A few months afterward.
Interesting timing.
What are you saying?
Isn't it true that you adopted him because you saw
the chance to make money off of his insurance claim?
As his father, you would get some of it, right?
You could pay off your bookies.
Objection.
Withdraw the question.
Isn't it true, Mr. Laughlin, that the
reason you adopted Jamie and gave him a
new last name is so that we would never
discover any of his previous medical records at all?
Do you really believe what you're saying, or are
you just going after me because this is your job?
Just answer the question, Mr. Laughlin.
All right.
I adopted him because his biological
father, my wife's ex-husband, wouldn't
have anything to do with him after the bumper car accident.
He said it made him too depressed to be around him.
Poor little boy.
He was in so much physical pain, he
didn't need that kind of rejection, too.
So I adopted Jamie, because I wanted him
to know that he had a father who loved him.
Full name?
Eric Michael Perkins.
Age?
Three and a half.
Exact date of birth?
Born and stuck in 1983.
Okay, height?
About three foot two.
Hair?
Oh, come on, it's kind of a full cut.
Weight?
Thirty-five pounds.
What was he wearing?
A sneaker.
They're red, high tops, blue jeans,
um, a red and white t-shirt.
I have a picture of it.
Here's a copy of the restraining order.
We've already spoken with Judge Robbins.
She'll issue a bench warrant as soon as you call.
Okay, uh, what kind of car does your husband drive?
Uh, a 75 Volvo wagon.
It's white.
You know the license number offhand?
No.
That's okay.
When we get it, we'll put it on the wire.
That's, that's it?
Can you just Put it on the wire?
He's cleaned out both bank accounts, he's maxed
out the credit cards, he's taken the boys' clothes.
This is not a weekend trip to Disneyland, detective.
Counselor, do you know how many missing
kid reports we get annually?
It's volume one of the three-volume set.
You want my advice?
You get a good P.I.
and you track him down yourself.
Dammit, detective!
My husband violates a T.R.O., kidnapping my son,
and the best thing you can tell me is to get my own P.I.
Well, I'm sorry, we don't have the time,
manpower, or money to do the job for you.
Okay,
now, with all due respect, this is the
kind of stuff we have down here, huh?
You can open the line on them, you
give me a call, and we'll take it from there.
Thank you, detective.
You call Judge Robin, even as we speak.
Thank you.
Come on, Abby.
Yes?
Excuse me.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Not at all.
Come in.
I heard what happened.
I'm terribly sorry.
Thank you.
Has there been any word, or
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please, sit down.
Yes?
Mr. Mckenzie, Mr. Lewis is here.
Put him in the conference room and tell
him I'll be with him in a few minutes.
Now then, just tell me what we can do to help.
Actually, well What I've been
thinking, under the circumstances,
I think that it might be in the
firm's best interest if I resign.
Oh, I'll hear of no such thing.
I won't be capable of doing the work that I was hired
Ms. Perkins, getting your son back is all that matters.
Toward which end, you will have the full
resources of this firm at your disposal.
Is that clear?
Yes.
Thank you, sir.
I'm just so afraid.
That I won't ever see him again.
She's gone.
Leland, she left me.
After everything I gave her, huh?
The money, the clothes, the lessons.
She leaves me for that dancer in the video, the blondie.
I thought he was a faggler.
The agent calls me, practically gets on his knees,
begging me to use him, and this is the kind of a
Irving, are you absolutely certain?
She didn't come home last night.
This morning I get a phone call.
Collect, no less.
She's in Hawaii with this Yutz.
She is a very young woman, Irving.
Now, these things happen.
A week or two, it'll run its course.
Don't you think I said that?
I'm not the bull I used to be.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, I function.
I function plenty.
Look, I can understand the fling, I tell her.
She says it's not a fling.
It's deep spiritual love, she says.
First time she's ever
Uh.
Uh.
No, really.
There's no fool like an old fool.
I love her.
And she left me.
I know how you must feel, but I've got to
believe that she'll come back.
Oh, no, it's over.
My life has turned to crap.
And she says she's happy for the first time in her life.
She says I made her sick.
She says she wants a divorce right away.
She's earned her freedom.
Now, what the hell is that?
I think we'd better get Becker and
Markowitz onto this right away.
Well, do what you want.
Let's go.
You old man.
He wants us.
What for?
He's got Irving Lewis with him.
Oh, God, well, that's it.
I'm finished.
Well, the one who's finished is Irving Lewis.
Bimbo wife left him for the arms of another.
She left him?
She left him as in divorce?
As in?
Mrs.
Lewis will try to say it's a community
business expense, of course.
But the IRS already said it's no business.
And is the IRS ever wrong?
Never.
It's a hobby.
And all the money Irving poured into Mrs.
Lewis' little hobby was of a personal nature.
On top of which, they're on the books as
loans anyway for accounting purposes.
Loans.
Due and payable upon dissolution of the corporation.
We dissolve the corporation.
Call the loans, subtract that from
the community assets, as well as Mrs.
Lewis' liability for half the $1.7 million in back taxes.
And the way I figure it, Mrs. Lewis is
going to end up owing money to Mr. Lewis.
Stuart Markowitz, you total schnauzer.
I love it.
And this is kosher, what we're doing?
Absolutely.
Leland, I hate this whole thing.
I wish it wasn't happening.
But I feel like these boys are my own sons.
They're so smart.
That's what we're here for, Irv.
And you!
I thought I was going to have to give you
a smack after that tax fiasco.
But you turned a cow's ear into a sheepskin first.
Counselor.
Mr. Ressler.
Got your dancing shoes on?
One hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Right now.
Today.
Why?
You got me on the ropes.
Off the record, your clients are scum.
We both know it.
But the jury doesn't or they don't care.
Besides, look at me and look at you.
Juries generally don't find me
particularly attractive or sympathetic.
Whereas you're a persuasive lawyer, Mr. Kuzak.
A good looking and personable man.
And of course, there's the pitiful little
boy sitting there in the courtroom.
We've run this through our computers.
In cases with injuries similar to this, the awards
range from a low of $400,000 to millions of dollars.
So $150,000 seems like a bargain.
Like I said before, Mr. Kuzak,
I think you're an ethical attorney.
I want to believe you don't like rewarding
thieves any more than I do.
But as far as I can see, this is the only
way to make this damn case go away.
Let me talk to Michael.
Complaints.
150K?
Is he kidding?
Tell him to jam it.
Under the circumstances, it sounds like a
pretty decent offer to me.
Circumstances?
That guy's gonna get his head handed to
him by that jury, and he knows it.
There's your circumstances.
That may be.
But then two things are gonna happen.
One, they're gonna appeal to judgment.
It'll be years before you ever see a dime.
And two, they're gonna go to the DA to
bring charges against you for fraud.
Oh, they can't prove a damn thing.
You're a good actor, Mr. Laughlin.
You really had that jury going.
But don't kid yourself.
There's a strong case here for fraud.
And if you're found guilty, it could
vitiate the original judgment.
What's that mean?
Vitiate?
Weaken.
Invalidate.
In short, Mr. Laughlin, you could wind up with
nothing but a jail sentence and a pile of legal fees.
Lawyers, you all stick together, don't you?
What'd that guy Ressler offer you to Jack us up, huh?
Mr. Laughlin.
My firm has no interest in benefiting from fraud.
If you decide to take Mr. Ressler's offer,
we intend to waive our percentage.
If we accept, what happens to the money?
The entire $150,000 will go into a trust for
Jamie's special educational and medical needs.
We'll take it.
Hey, come on.
He's my son.
Well, what about us?
What about our needs?
Try getting a job, Mr. Laughlin.
And did you state that on the Sunday
morning in question, you accidentally hit
Mr. Jackson on the head with a Steve
Garvey model K-55 Louisville Slugger?
That's right.
Accidentally.
Mr. Laughlin, if in fact you were not
intending to Rob Mr. Jackson, what were
you doing with a baseball bat concealed on
your person in the first place?
I play in a softball league.
I was on my way to the game.
At 6.30 A.M.
in a dashiki?
My uniform was in the dry cleaner.
I see.
Thank you, Mr. Lafollette.
No more questions, Your Honor.
You may step down, Mr. Lafollette.
And as the hour is growing late,
let us adjourn until 9 A.M.
I got that case won.
It's not exactly in Herrick the Wind.
Careful, that's my favorite movie ever.
Actually, I became a lawyer because of Spencer Tracy.
For me, it was Gregory Peck.
Oh, get out of here.
To Kill a Mock?
Well, Gregory Peck was good, but Spencer Tracy,
he was Well, you'd get along great with my dad.
He loves Spencer Tracy, too.
Your dad a lawyer?
Mm-mm.
He's a milkman.
So, has he met old what's-his-name yet?
He meets old what's-his-name this weekend.
I'm pretty nervous about it.
Well, I got a good idea.
Why don't you take me instead?
You're getting pushy again.
That's not pushy.
If I was to kiss you, that would be pushy.
There's a two-word description for
what I'd be if I let you kiss me, Mr.
Kuzak, and the second word rhymes with freezer.
Good night, counselor.