Leave It to Beaver (1957) s01e03 Episode Script

1
("Leave it to Beaver" theme music)
[Narrator] Leave it to Beaver
starring Barbara Billingsley
Hugh Beaumont
Tony Dow
and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver
(bright happy music)
Oh, dinner a little late tonight dear?
Patience, papa.
I had to straighten up my dressing table.
Somebody or something tipped over my bottle of hand lotion.
Powder was spilled all over
and my pancake makeup is missing.
Now don't tell me someone's trying to sabotage
your natural, heaven-sent beauty.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles)
I wonder if the boys
could have had anything to do with it?
Boy, that's a beaut.
(audience laughs)
You think the cake-up will hide it?
Pancake.
Well, you can't go down to supper looking like that.
Get heck for fighting.
Ouch!
Will you hold still and shut up?
Gee, Wally it sure is nice of you to help me out.
Look I'm only helping you because
if dad gets mad at you
he always winds up getting mad at me.
(audience laughs)
Well, thanks anyways.
Who belted ya?
A kid.
Which kid?
One of the kids.
What'll I tell dad?
I don't know.
Tell him you fell down.
Gee, thanks Wally.
Ouch!
June, I'm starved.
It's all ready honey,
can you call the boys?
Will I.
Hey Wally!
Beaver!
Boys!
(footsteps running down stairs)
June, don't you think you could
get 'em shoes with softer soles?
(audience laughs)
I'll ask around.
(tense music)
(audience laughs)
Uh, Beaver,
turn around.
(audience laughs)
Beaver, what's the matter with your eye?
Which eye, Mom?
(audience laughs)
Beaver, c'mere.
Theodore, you have a black eye!
Guess so, Mom.
(audience laughs)
Okay, Beav,
where'd you get it?
I fell down,
didn't I fall down, Wally?
Yeah, he fell down, Dad.
Oh, you fell down did ya?
I fell down fighting.
(audience laughs)
Beav, I think I'd better call a doctor
he might have a concussion.
I don't have a 'cussion,
I just have a black eye.
(audience laughs)
And I wish everybody'd stop picking on me.
(chuckles)
Nobody's picking on you, Beaver.
You go on back and eat your supper.
It's all perfectly normal.
It's just a part of growing up.
I guess I must've had a hundred fights
by the time I was his age.
(audience laughs)
Well, we'll talk no more about it.
(cutlery clinking)
How's the other kid look?
[Beaver] All right.
All right?
Well you must've got in a couple of good licks, didn't ya?
No, sir.
You mean you didn't fight back?
[Beaver] No sir.
Well what did you do?
You must've done something.
I ran away.
(audience laughs)
You ran away!
Ward, you're frightening him.
Well it frightens me a little too.
A boy, running away.
Beaver, go ahead and eat your soup.
I don't want to.
[Ward] What's the matter?
I'm gonna be sick.
I think he is.
Remember on the roller coaster when he
Never mind.
(audience laughs)
Beaver, you can't be sick.
I think I can.
Beaver, you run along upstairs.
Wally, you go along with him.
I'll bring you up trays later.
Did you have a bad day at the office today?
Well no, not at all.
(clears throat)
Well there was a little upset over the Thompson deal
they can't decide who to give it to.
It'll be either Fred or me.
Why don't you fight him for it?
(audience laughs)
Now June.
If something's bothering you at the office,
you certainly shouldn't take it out on the Beaver.
This is a serious problem, June.
A boy's got to be able to defend himself.
And I intend to see that Beaver learns.
I just don't like fathers teaching boys to fight.
Dear, all in the world I'm going to do
is give the Beaver a few little pointers
on how to defend himself.
So if he happens to run into this kid again
he can mop up the playground with him.
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
You think it'll be unswollen by tomorrow?
I don't know.
Now c'mon Beaver, who hit ya?
I told ya, a kid.
[Wally] I know, but which kid?
If I tell ya,
promise you won't tell nobody?
Sure I promise.
Now who was the guy that hit ya?
He was a girl.
A girl?
(audience laughs)
Quiet.
All right.
Who was it?
Do you know Violet Rutherford?
Isn't that the one that did the tap dance
in the assembly?
That's the one.
What a creep.
(audience laughs)
I sure wish you were allowed to hit girls.
How did it happen?
On account of a sign on her back.
You pinned a sign on her back?
No.
Then why did she hit ya?
I laughed.
(audience laughs)
What did the sign say?
"Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water."
(audience laughs)
Here we go, go on.
You put your thumb in here.
That's what I got in the hand.
Oh okay, never mind.
(clears throat)
All right, there we go.
Now then, I think that ought to do her, huh?
There we are.
Now then, come on let's have a little action, Beaver.
You're gonna have a lot of fun.
(slaps back)
Okay, now hit early.
(punches doll)
Come on!
Let her go now!
Let her go!
(punches doll)
(playful music)
(doll hits Beaver)
(audience laughs)
(dramatic music)
I don't think I like having fun this way.
(audience laughs)
[June] Ward, Ward?
What's happened now?
He forgot to duck, Mom.
Nothing to worry about,
happens to the best of 'em.
(nervous laugh)
Well, can he come in for his lunch now?
Or haven't you finished knocking him down?
(audience laughs)
Oh, by the way,
Fred's here.
Ah, be right there.
Ah well
(clears throat)
Now Wally you better run along
I wanna talk to the Beaver.
[Wally] All right.
Now ah, Beav.
I'm gonna give you some pointers
about boxing.
But I don't want ya to use the knowledge
promiscuously.
What's that, Dad?
Well, I mean I don't want you to go around
picking fights.
But if you should happen to run into to this kid again
who gave you the black eye the other day?
Well you're not gonna
You wouldn't want someone to push you around
twice in a row now, would you?
No, sir.
No, course not.
So I don't want you to go looking for trouble
but I don't want you to run away from it either.
As a matter of fact I think if I were you,
I'd look up this person who gave you the black eye
and I'd let him know where I stood.
(audience laughs)
You see if anyone's gonna get aggressive with you,
you've got to show them you can be just as aggressive
as they are.
I know, but this kid
(audience laughs)
And if someone punches you,
you gotta punch 'em right back.
But this kid
[June] Ward!
Sure.
[June] Oh Ward!
So, yeah all right,
I'll be right there.
Now, you just remember what I told you, Beaver.
Right?
(slaps back)
Right.
(audience laughs)
Don't get 'gressive with me, Violet Rutherford.
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
(playful music)
I'm sorry, Fred.
Ha! I can see you got a new sofa.
Yeah, June thought it
Now why didn't ya tell me,
I could have introduced you to a guy
and saved ya lots of money.
(audience laughs)
Well that's very nice of you, Fred.
I'll certainly call on you the next time.
Oh the New York brass wanted you to look these over
so I said to myself "Why don't I drop 'em by?"
Well, thanks a lot for the trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all.
(audience laughs)
Say, you're not upset about
that Thompson deal, are you?
What about the Thompson deal?
You mean they haven't told you?
Well they dumped it in my lap.
I know you were sorta counting on it, Ward.
No hard feelings, now.
Oh, no of course not,
none at all.
These things happen in a big company.
Well as long as there's no resentment.
No.
Say, wasn't that your oldest boy I passed
on the way in?
He's kind of small for 15, isn't he?
Wally's 13.
Oh, well that's the way it goes.
Personally my family's a little more mature.
You know, both of my boys
were offered scholarships.
Football scholarships.
Well, that's certainly nice.
Yeah, and then of course you know my youngest
is quite a dancer but then
I suppose you saw that in the paper.
No, I didn't.
Oh, you didn't?
Got the clipping right here.
Yessir, she's gonna be a star someday.
Here it is: "Violet Rutherford
scores an amateur theatrical"
(audience laughs)
Well that's certainly nice.
Yeah, it sure is.
Well we'll see you around, Ward.
Yeah, sure, you bet.
(audience laughs)
Are you sure there's no hard feelings?
Oh no, absolutely not.
See you around the salt mine.
Yeah, right.
Violet Rutherford you do too drink gutter water.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
(light happy music)
A girl?
You mean a girl gave Beaver that black eye?
Yes, Dad.
That's why he didn't fight back.
(thumps desk)
(chuckles)
(audience laughs)
Beaver, come down here a minute.
(chuckles)
Hey Beaver!
If you want to the Beaver he went out
about 10 minutes ago.
Oh, well I'll talk to him later.
(chuckles)
Oh, did he say where he was going?
Yes, he went over to Violet Rutherford's house.
Oh.
(audience laughs)
Now then, Wally about this girl
Violet Rutherford?
(nervous laugh)
Wally, that girl who hit the Beaver,
it couldn't have been
(audience laughs)
(groans)
And I practically sent him over there
to annihilate her.
Well why didn't you tell me?
You let me go through all those boxing lessons,
everything, and why didn't you say something?
Well I promised.
And anyway, I didn't think it was important before.
Well you could have at least told me it was a girl.
You didn't ask me.
(audience laughs)
You never ask us, Dad.
You just tell us.
(audience laughs)
That's just about enough out of you, young man.
You better go on upstairs to your room.
Go on.
All right.
Where's Wally going?
Up to his room.
Where are you going?
Out to Fred Rutherford's.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell chimes)
Oh I paid your partner for the newspaper last week.
I'm not the paper boy.
I'm Beaver Cleaver and I wanna see Violet Rutherford.
Oh, now just a minute.
[Fred] Violet?
Hi Beaver.
Hi Violet.
You got grass on your lawn too.
(audience laughs)
The grass in the back is cement.
Violet
What?
You wanna be 'gressive?
[Violet] 'Gressive?
'Cause if you wanna be 'gressive,
I can be just as 'gressive as you can.
I don't know how to play.
What's 'gressive?
That means do you want to fight?
No, I don't wanna fight.
Okay, what else do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Let's go spit off the bridge.
Uh uh.
I did that on the way over here.
(audience laughs)
Let's go gawk at the lady in the jiggle belt.
Okay.
(playful music)
(audience laughs)
(slams car door)
Cleaver I don't know where
that boy of yours could have taken her
but they must be somewhere in the neighborhood.
Just take it easy Fred,
they'll show up.
Yes, but in what condition?
(high pitched war cry)
Cleaver, what's that?
Oh my gosh, he's killing her!
(audience laughs)
All right, that'll be enough
What are you doing?
Scalping a settler.
Can't a guy have any fun?
We're sorry, son we thought you were
two other children.
Mister, let go of my arm.
Oh, sorry.
Have you seen two kids fighting around here?
I don't know.
What do they look like?
[Ward] One was a boy about eight,
and the other was a girl.
Fighting? Well nobody like that's
been fighting around here.
Well they must be fighting someplace.
(audience laughs)
Who were those guys?
I don't know.
But two kids are going to have a fight!
Where?
Where everybody goes to fight.
Over at Metzger's Field.
Oh boy, there hasn't been
a good fight around here in a long time.
(audience laughs)
Hi, Gus.
(sleepy groan)
Oh, hi there Beaver.
I see you brought the missus today.
Gus, you know I'm not married.
(audience laughs)
Oh, just going steady, huh?
Stop teasing.
You know I'm never gonna get married.
And if I do get married,
I'm not gonna get married to a girl.
(audience laughs)
I got an idea he'll change his mind about that, eh sis?
I don't know.
I've known Gus all my life.
[Gus] All our lives.
Been to any fires this week?
Oh no, this is the kind of fire house
where the firemen don't go to the fires.
This is a 'zillary fire house.
That's right, Auxiliary Company Number Seven.
That means we help out if all the other companies
can't handle the call.
Gus headed out last year.
To a fire?
No, it was another kind of emergency.
Last spring, Miller's Pond was backing up on the highway.
Chief put in a call for me.
Me and Number Seven went down and pumped it out
drier than the Sahari Desert.
Gee, I sure wish I'd been there.
Only thing is I still 'ain't got the swamp smell
out of the cylinders.
(audience laughs)
Well Violet we better be going.
Bye Gus.
Bye Gus, see you tomorrow.
I'll be here.
You and the missus drop by anytime.
(audience laughs)
(lively playful music)
(phone rings)
Hello?
Oh Ward.
Where are you?
Oh, with Fred hm?
Have you found the Beaver and Violet yet?
No they haven't come back here.
Have you tried the park?
I see.
Everywhere, huh?
What?
(exasperated chuckle)
Well, just a minute I'll ask him
you sent him up to his room.
Wally?
Wally?
(door opens)
(footsteps down stairs)
What is it, Mother?
Your father wants to know where you'd go
if you were gonna have a fight with a girl.
Gee, Mom, I wouldn't hit a girl.
(audience laughs)
Ward?
He says he wouldn't hit a girl.
All right.
Wally, your father says you'd better
go back up to your room.
(audience laughs)
Hey, did you hear?
Two kids are having a fight over at Metzger's Field.
No fooling, who told ya?
All the kids are talking about it
it's a heck of a fight.
Blood and everything!
I hear they sent for the cops!
(audience laughs)
(slurps milkshake)
Want another one, Beaver?
No thanks, I don't wanna spoil my supper.
How much is it?
88 cents with tax.
Charge it.
(audience laughs)
[Waitress] Charge it?
What do you mean?
Mr Fred Rutherford.
[Waitress] Okay.
Hey, that's keen!
Where did you learn that?
From my mother.
(audience laughs)
She does it to Dad all the time.
Let's get some to go on the way out.
(slurps milkshake)
And charge it.
(audience laughs)
Son, have you seen two children fighting?
Yeah, but it's all over.
It's all over?
Yeah, it was over in Metzger's Field.
My brother saw it.
One of the kid's ears was torn off.
Ear?
Yeah.
It was laying right there on the ground
and the guy from the ambulance
sewed it back on.
(audience laughs)
Oh now, now Fred.
You know how boys exaggerate.
I don't know about that but there's been a fight.
I knew you resented the Thompson deal but I didn't think
you'd take it out on my kid.
(audience laughs)
I gotta be going home pretty soon.
Beaver, you never used to play with me before.
How come you came over?
I don't know.
I guess I just come over.
That's all.
Hey look!
Looks like you got no teeth!
I know, that's why I always get the black gum.
(audience laughs)
You know, you look a lot better without teeth.
(car screeches to a stop)
There they are, thank heavens!
Violet are you all right?
Hi, Daddy!
My gosh, her teeth!
$800 worth of braces
(audience laughs)
Beaver, did you do this?
Yes, Daddy.
I done it to me too!
(audience laughs)
Huh, that's chewing gum.
Chewing gum?
Violet, you better go in the house.
Oh come on now Fred, where's your sense of humor?
Cleaver, you made me miss my golf game,
you ran me all over town,
chased me half out of my wits and now you want to know
where's my sense of humor?
But Daddy, we had fun.
Cleaver, I don't think
your boy better come around here any more.
Now look here, Fred
All right Fred.
Come on Beaver.
Bye, Beaver.
Bye, Violet.
(lively music)
(playful music)
Hi Wally.
[Wally] Oh hi Beav.
They were looking for ya.
They found me.
(audience laughs)
Did you beat up Violet Rutherford?
No, but Mr Rutherford hollered at Dad.
What did Dad do?
Did he holler at Mr Rutherford?
No, he took me home.
(audience laughs)
Oh, boys you'll be eating alone tonight.
Your mother and I are going out to dinner.
And Wally you can leave your room now.
Yes, Dad.
[Beaver] Dad?
Did Mr Rutherford get 'gressive with you?
Yeah Beaver he did.
He got quite aggressive.
Dad?
How come you didn't get 'gressive back at Mr Rutherford?
(audience laughs)
Well
You told me if somebody got 'gressive at me
that I should get 'gressive back at them
(audience laughs)
Yeah I know I did Beaver but
well you see you're a little boy
and little boys are supposed to defend themselves.
Aren't grown ups?
Well, grown ups have learned to control themselves Beaver
that's why they don't have to fight.
Are little boys supposed to fight?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I guess you could say that defending yourself
is one of the rules for being a little boy, Beaver.
Well I'm late now, see you later.
(closes door)
Wally?
What, Beav?
The rules are a lot easier on grown ups
than they are for little boys.
Sure they are, Beaver.
The grown-ups are the ones that make the rules.
(audience laughs)
(blows out air)
(lively orchestral music)