Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[TRADITIONAL MEXICAN MUSIC]
So many cute hats.
Oh, excuse me. Señor?
Do you have this hat in that color
with that band, those sequins,
that feather,
ooh, and this stitching?
What did he say?
I don't know. I don't speak Spanish.
But you just responded like you do.
Yeah, there's words I use to fool people
into thinking I speak it,
like "claro que sí"
or "claro"or "sí."
So you know three words?
Oh, I also get away with, "Qué?
Ay, no!"
Also, "Está bien, está bien."
[LAUGHS] Why are you
pretending to speak Spanish?
You know, I shouldn't judge.
I pretended to be French, British,
and the fourth member
of Destiny's Child.
Because if you're Latinx
and don't speak Spanish,
you get shamed for it.
My dad did it to me
all the time as a kid,
which is why I told him
I became fluent during
the years we didn't speak.
So "claro que sí" works on him, too?
Claro que sí!
It's been tricky since he's moved in,
but my mom and Quinten
help cover for me.
So how are we supposed
to know what he said?
He said pick a hat,
or he's going to die.
Chance has been practicing
his Spanish with his dad.
Okay. I'll take this one.
Chance, can you ask the man
if he takes Venmo?
That's going to be a no from me.
What? That's new. How come?
If you don't speak Spanish,
why do I have to?
- Yes! Drag her!
- [LAUGHS]
Sorry.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Do a cheers with me,
my beautiful daughter
and the maybe daddy.
I know he's Chance's dad
more than I know you're mine.
And I know I'm Chance's dad
'cause my pull-out game weak.
I got a tip for that.
You get a rubber band,
you tie it in a knot,
and before you get into bed,
you never have sex
with my daughter again.
What are we toasting to?
I got a big move
a rich guy with rich friends.
And if this goes well, I'll be
moving a lot of fancy houses
and a lot of secret apartments.
Mayan told me your secret apartment
was the back of your '74 El Camino.
It's more romantic
to cheat under the stars.
But this is huge for me
'cause I'm double-booked
and I only got enough guys for one move.
Oh, well, Quinten and I have
the weekend free.
We can help you.
I'm sor We could?
The faster he gets back on his feet,
the faster he's out of the house.
Yes. We would love to help you.
- That's great.
- Cheers.
And if you're injured on the site,
it's no fault of Lop-EZ Movers
or its subsidiaries, Lop-EZ Dental,
ipso "fatso," I rest my case.
He pulls out Oscar's
dead tooth with some pliers,
thinks he's a dentist.
Unlike your boy, Quinten,
my pull-out game is strong.
Guess who had fun at the museum.
The hearing impaired.
Look, I ate Cookie Monster.
Now that fool knows how cookies feel.
Mom, we said no
artificial sweets for Chance.
Nothing natural turns
your tongue that color.
Then why do they sell it
at the Natural History Museum?
Ay, don't worry. Relax.
He ate all his apple slices
from his Happy Meal.
Then Grandma gave me
two of her coffee creamers for dessert.
We shouldn't be spoiling him like this.
It's too much.
You don't got to worry
about what me and Nana do.
See, he's got an attitude.
The other day he refused
to practice his Spanish.
Uh, Chance, real Latinos speaks Spanish.
If you don't speak Spanish,
you don't deserve the Lopez last name.
Great. I'm more
of a one-name guy like Drake.
Yeah, you're more
like Chance the Crapper.
Go to your room.
We do a lesson every night,
but lately he has been refusing
to practice with me, too.
Mayan, you should be in
charge of the Spanish lessons.
I don't want my grandson
learning Spanish
from Duo-Gringo.
I-I would, but
You would, but what?
But, uh, Mayan works late,
and Quinten has more free time
to practice with him.
Yeah. Plus, I am a proud speaker
and a cultural ally.
You could even say
that I am a bit of a Latinx-pert.
No.
Okay, my lady and my son
are both Latinx,
- so I think that gives me
- No.
- Perhaps if I said it in español?
- No.
As long as teaching Chance
Spanish is a priority,
I'm glad Mayan learned to speak
over these last few years.
Eres pura Lopez, Mayan.
Claro que sí.
Man, now you got me craving
those little coffee creamers.
Rosie, is your purse in the living room?
[WHISPERING] That was a close one.
Ay, you should just tell him.
Why are you trying to impress
a back-alley dentist?
You heard what he said.
If I don't speak Spanish,
I don't deserve the Lopez name.
Well, you could always take
my last name?
I will never be Mayan Van Bryan.
This all could have been avoided
if you had just taught me
when I was little.
- Why didn't you?
- I wanted to spare you.
My father forced me to speak
Spanish, and I hated it.
He said if I didn't speak it,
Castro would come through the mirror
and grab me and bring me back to Cuba.
Oh, but it's fine if Castro gets me?
Okay, fine. I will make it up to you.
I will teach Chance to speak Spanish.
The key is to make it fun.
There is an old ranchera
that I've been teaching him that goes
[CLEARS THROAT] Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
Ay, ay, ay, ay!
Cállate ya.
I do not need advice.
I got this.
Good luck.
Chance plays you
more than he plays "Minecraft."
Ha! I can be strict if I need to be.
Nana, can you make me an ice-water?
It tastes better when you make it.
Of course, mi niño hermoso.
What? It does taste better
when I make it.
I put a little sugar in it.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Moving is pretty self-explanatory,
but I got one rule.
If you break something, go full Shaggy.
What's full Shaggy?
Broke the leg on the sofa,
it wasn't me ♪
Ripped the curtain in the shower ♪
It wasn't me ♪
If they catch you on camera,
it wasn't me ♪
How do you have a five-star Yelp rating?
If you give Oscar enough Adderall,
he can write a lot of reviews.
Ah, ¿qué onda, güey?
- Are those guys new hires?
- I don't recognize them.
Mando, Raul
Quinten.
Sí. Gracias.
A trabajar, güey.
They're both so fluent in Spanish.
Reminds me of me.
But they speak English, too, right?
No, the only thing they know
in English is "it wasn't me."
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh, man, Oscar said the other movers
didn't show up at the moving site.
I'm going to take Quinten
to cover, okay?
- You stay here, Mayan.
- Oh, no, well,
why don't I go with you
and Quinten stay behind?
No, that stuff is heavy,
Mayan you can't get hurt.
You make more money than the both of us.
Uh, but but Mayan's, uh,
upper-body strength
is not to be underestimated.
Boobs of steel on that one.
She's not lifting with her chichis.
- Go wait for me in the truck.
- Yep.
Keep Raul and Mando on track, okay?
This means a lot to me.
I'm so glad you speak Spanish,
señora Lopez.
Bueno.
Órale.
Sí.
Claro.
Claro que sí.
Óyeme
Sí.
- Perfecto.
- Está bien.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Nana, can you make me a snack?
I'm thinking something
a little savory but also sweet.
Chef's choice.
Why you trippin'?
I said "chef's choice."
Papito, if you speak
both English and Spanish,
you can help people understand
each other.
It's like having a superpower.
Batman doesn't speak Spanish.
And look what happened to his parents.
That's not why his parents were killed.
Well, you never know.
A little "¿qué lo que?" or "ya tú sabes"
could have smoothed things out
with the Joker.
I'm still not going to speak Spanish.
Okay.
But I'm so hungry.
You are? Ay.
My mom only gave me quinoa
for breakfast.
Quinoa?
Aquí no hacemos eso.
Ay, my poor baby. You must be starving.
I'm going to make you some real food.
Quinoa
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, you hablo English?
Yes, I do. And I can also hear.
So I just want to point out these.
Nice toys.
Uh, uh, uh, toys are for children.
These are collectibles.
Even this gum?
Oh, oh, that is a vintage
1970 Super Bazooka spearmint bubblegum.
So should we bubble-wrap them?
Okay, we'll be careful.
I prefer you not touch them at all.
I'll handle it.
Oh, all my ex-wives claim
I love my collectibles
more than them.
[LAUGHS] It's true.
I bet they prefer their toys, too.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Uh, stop, por favor.
¿Cómo se dice, um?
Valuable collectibles!
Why am I yelling?
Oh, I'm sorry.
No mano. No mano.
Sí. No mano.
Please stop packing.
Qué mala onda
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Oh, my God! Just speak English!
[BOTH GASP]
Wow.
Eres una Karen.
I-I
Oh, no, I Oh.
I-I didn't mean it like that, guys.
I just
Ay, no.
Okay, gordo, now
you should have enough energy
para hablar español.
No, I'm tired.
I should really lie down
and watch "Ninja Turtles."
But I wouldn't hate it
if dessert showed up.
No, señor.
If you're not even going to try,
then you don't get to watch
what you want.
I am going to watch
my novela en español.
Fine. I'm going to play
with my toys in English!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Who's that guy with an eye patch?
Oh, that's Don Julio.
He lost his eye
when he fell into a sewer
and a rat chewed it off.
Wow!
That sounds a lot like "Ninja Turtles."
Oh, no, it's more interesting
than turtle ninjas.
Someone gets slapped in every episode.
And one of them is named Rafael,
who has an evil twin also named Rafael.
- How do they tell them apart?
- They can't.
[GASPS] I want to watch.
Oh, no, it's only for people
who speak Spanish.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
"Speak English," Mayan?
Why don't you just tell them
to build a wall, too?
I know. I feel terrible.
Who pretends to be fluent in Spanish?
I mean, why would you do that?
Because I knew you'd make fun
of me if you knew I wasn't.
Of course I would, gringa.
- There it is.
- It's not cool to shame me, Dad.
Just because I don't speak Spanish
doesn't mean I'm not a real Lopez.
Yes, it does.
Real Latinos know the language,
and you're lazy for not learning it.
You're like Dora that
that, uh, doesn't explor-a.
You're the lazy one
for not teaching me as a kid.
If you had,
I would have been able
to communicate with the guys.
They said something about a podcast.
I love podcasts.
Mayan, you're the one
that delayed us for hours.
You insulted my employees, and
now you're putting it on me.
I should have never let you help me.
Oh, I'm so sorry for working
for free on my day off
to help dig your business
out of the hole.
- Oh, yeah?
- You want to learn some Spanish?
Write this down eres una malcriada.
Oh, so you want to use the bad words.
Happy to oblige, baboso.
- Payasa.
- Borracho.
- Mocosa.
- Naranja.
Mayan, that just means orange.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God! Zilla!
There's only three of these
left in the world
that still shoot the hand rockets.
How did this happen?
It wasn't me.
What's going on?
My property has been damaged.
Could you please get
your employees under control?
I'm sorry. Did you say his employees?
Yes, why?
Because I'm the boss.
Yeah, and I'm the muscle.
No, you got this.
He's not automatically in charge
just because he's white.
I'm sorry. It was a misunderstanding.
It was a racist assumption.
Well, I mean,
I-I-I don't know that race
You want to make
this awkward moment go away?
More than anything.
Why don't we forget what happened,
as long as you forget how
your collectible was broken?
Deal.
Thank you for not calling it a toy.
This gum is stale.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm sorry I called you an orange, Dad.
It's not that you called me
an orange, Mayan.
It's the way
that you called me an orange.
I'm just frustrated.
I wish I had the time to learn Spanish,
but I'm a working mom.
- It's tough, you know.
- Yeah, I do know.
Because when you were little,
I was working all the time,
and your mom didn't force you,
so it didn't happen.
But I don't feel
like I can be a proud Latina
because I don't speak the language.
Yo entiendo tu dolor, amor.
BOTH: No.
No, I-I'm just saying, like,
knowing Spanish is cool now.
AOC, Cardi B, Bad Bunny
They are changing the game.
It's a real Latinx-plosion.
How about you stop Latinx-plaining
and AOC yourself out
of this conversation?
I want to join you guys for a drink,
so I'll go warm up my sake.
When I was growing up, Mayan,
there was no Bad Bunny.
There was pressure
to blend in, you know.
My grandmother didn't want me
to be in the sun
'cause she didn't want me
to get too dark.
One year I spent the whole
summer inside as a blonde.
Oh, I saw those pictures.
You looked like a Mexican Ken doll
a Mexi-Ken.
Now, that's a collectible.
I thought that if you
didn't speak Spanish,
you'd have an easier time blending in.
So it's your fault I'm not a real Lopez.
Oh, no, you're real Lopez.
The way you bullied that rich white guy,
you don't need to learn Spanish.
No, I'm going to commit
to learning with Chance.
Pretty soon this chica
will be more fluent than JLo.
Setting the bar low smart.
Oh, and, babe, can you do me a favor?
Yeah. Whatever you need.
Will you only talk
to Chance and I in Spanish
so it'll force us to learn?
Honey, as a white man,
I don't feel as though I'm in a position
to force you and Chance to do anything.
BOTH: Yes!
Ha ha! Ha!
[SCREAMS]
[MOUTHS WORD]
Oh!
[GASPS]
Aah!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]