MacGruber (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

The son of a bitch skinned Constantine
then used his fucking skin
as a protective barrier from the fire.
Jesus.
Keep an eye on our six, Dawkins.
He's out there somewhere.
On it.
Can't wait to light this dude up
like the fucking 4th of July.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Just a squirrel.
Dawkins.
Dawkins!
Looking for this?
Yoo-hoo.
MacGruber!
Sir, just got a call from DHS,
- all borders are secure.
- Good.
Alert JSOC we're going
to Threatcon Delta.
Need to catch these bastards.
Barrett.
Victoria, what are you doing here?
We need to talk.
Honey, I'm really up
against it right now.
I want to have a child with you.
What?
Look, I'm sorry.
I know you're really up
against it right now,
but I'm finally ready, and
I just had to tell you.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long,
but I've been scared.
Like mess my pants scared.
And I'm not scared anymore.
Does this have anything
to do with MacGruber?
Absolutely not.
Then what's changed?
Last night, when you told me
MacGruber was dead,
I went home and it hit me
like a ton of feathers.
I've been sitting around
waiting for some prince charming
when all along, my Shrek
has been standing right
in front of me the whole time.
And I don't want to wait one more second
for my fairy tale ending.
You mean that, Mrs. Fasoose?
More than anything.
My decision's final.
I want to start a family with you.
You have no idea how
happy that makes me.
Oh.
Thank you, Victoria.
Let's start tonight, okay?
I say we try a bunch of times.
Throw as much spaghetti against
the wall as you can muster
and see what sticks.
Really get it up there.
Mm-hmm.
- Sound like a plan, Stan?
- It's a date, Kate.
Well, I'll let you get
back to work, Kirk.
And good luck with the terrorists.
Babe, I'm gonna hit the head.
Will you grab me some Combos?
Yep.
What you looking at, freak?
Be that way.
Rodney, wait. Where are you going?
To kick ass.
Fuck you.
Perfect.
You forgot one thing
MacGruber.
They said you were dead.
I'm sorry, Vick,
I know it'd be a lot easier
for you if I had died.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I think you do.
Rose buds, candles, champagne,
chocolate covered strawberries.
You're making a child tonight,
aren't you?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
So I guess it's true,
you really have moved on.
I guess so.
Well, then we'll just
have to keep things
strictly professional.
- I like this song, Vick.
- Thank you.
No, thank you for
putting such a big night
on hold and joining this mission.
What? What mission?
MacGruber.
I came as soon as I could.
And the gang's all here.
Look, we got a lot to cover, Vicki.
- Piper's already been debriefed.
- Hey, Vicki.
Hi, Piper. Look, I'm sorry.
You guys have to leave.
You cannot be here right now.
Tonight is a very important night
for me and my husband,
who will be home any second.
Vicki, please just hear us out.
Two days ago, I was
dropped off in the desert
and exchanged for a little
girl and a fucking dog.
And you'll never guess
who was behind it.
- Queeth.
- Piper!
What? You told me.
Yeah, but Vicki didn't know yet.
Remind me to mess up your next big story
that you're excited to tell.
So yeah, anyway it was Queeth.
I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.
Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth.
- Piper!
- Jesus Christ.
No, go ahead. You want
it so bad, go, say it.
Come on, let's hear all about him.
Be my guest.
Oh, thank you so much
for giving me permission
to tell my own story.
Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth,
elite special forces leader
turned American traitor.
He's been off the grid for 20 years
rotting away in a
Burkina Fasonian prison.
And guess who put him there?
Piper, you want to ruin this one, too?
I did.
So needless to say, we don't
exchange Christmas cards,
especially after what
he did to my family.
Oh no, what'd he do to your family?
Doesn't matter.
All that matters now
is that we take him out,
for good this time.
And I'm the only one who can do it
'cause I'm the only one
who knows what he's up to.
What is he up to?
My gut tells me that Queeth is planning
to unleash a major chemical weapon
somewhere on American soil.
What? Oh, my God.
Don't worry, we still
have a chance to stop him,
but we're running out of time.
So what do you say?
Piper's in.
- I didn't say that.
- But you're about to.
Look, Vicki,
I understand that you're trying
to bring a new life into this world,
but if we don't stop Queeth,
there might not be a world left
to bring that child into.
I'll give you 24 hours, but that's it.
Thank you.
Hey, Pipe.
Have you ever seen the
movie "The Outsiders?"
No.
Do it for Johnny.
What does that mean?
That's something they say in that movie.
Let's get something straight.
If I do this, I'm
doing it for my family.
- Are we clear?
- Loud and.
Piper the family man.
Never thought I'd see the day.
I'm already regretting this.
Okay, let's go. We can take my Jeep.
Nice try, Piper,
but we're gonna need
something with a little
more juice.
Sir, just got word.
The dispersal devices
are now in our possession.
Well, we got our Christmas stockings.
Now all we have to do
is stuff them with coal.
Hey, sorry, Vick.
Between serving a life sentence
and doing that suicide
mission for my country,
never had a chance to clean up
our wedding decorations.
Oh, I hadn't noticed.
Oh, shoot. Barrett's calling.
No, don't answer it. Don't answer it.
Don't you want the help of
the United States government?
Look, I don't know how far down
the rabbit hole this thing goes.
So until we know more,
we got to keep this
in the inner circle and not
including of our dong husbands.
I thought you said we were gonna
keep this professional.
I always keep things professional,
- and you both know that.
- Hmm.
Good, because I think Barrett
could be a huge asset.
A huge ass head? Yeah, I don't disagree.
Face!
Piper gets it.
Oh, look, he's calling again.
If I don't answer, he's gonna
know something's wrong.
Okay, fine, but say exactly
what I tell you to.
Just answer the way you'd
normally answer your phone.
- Hello?
- Hi, sweetie.
Still stuck at work. Where are you?
Where am I?
- Make up something.
- I'm at the park.
- You're in the park?
- No, no, no.
No, I'm not at the park.
What made you say that?
You must've misheard me.
I'll try to speak more clearly.
- Um, I'm on a ship.
- You're on a ship?
I'm certainly not in the car,
if that's what you're implying, mister.
Good, good.
Is everything okay?
He's asking if everything's okay.
Oh, fuck, fuck. Oh, what do we do here?
What's our play? What's
our fucking play?
What do I say? Do I say it's good?
Oh, got it, got it.
- Tell him everything's normal.
- Everything's normal.
Um, I'm not at the park.
I'm on a ship.
- Wow.
- Just a normal ship.
Is everything normal where you are?
Well, actually, things are
starting to heat up over here.
Anyway, I wanted to apologize
again about tonight.
Having a child with you is
the most important thing
in the world to me, honey,
and I just wanted to make sure
that you knew that.
Oh, okay. Bye.
Great job, Vicki. That
was the perfect call.
Right, Piper?
Whoo!
- Sir.
- Yes, Major.
A C-130 was hijacked
over the Indian Ocean
and dropped off radar.
- We think it's our guys.
- What were they carrying?
That's the thing,
it was just a bunch
of ventilation equipment.
What the hell are they up to?
We managed to trace a call
from the cockpit
to an encrypted satellite phone.
We're tracking that phone now.
Don't lose that signal,
and get a Reaper in
the air pronto, Major.
Yes, sir.
Stay frosty, people.
This is our only shot.
- What is this place?
- An abandoned weapons depot.
It officially doesn't exist,
but it does, and you're about to see it.
This way.
Haven't been in here for 20 years.
Fingers crossed, nobody
else has, either.
Piper!
Trip wire.
That could've been
very bad for all of us.
Now, watch your step
'cause I booby trapped
this whole place to the fucking gills.
Now, let's keep moving.
Carefully.
Hey, guys.
I think I got a problem.
Okay, look.
- Stay very still, Vicki.
- Okay.
I'm gonna get you out of this.
All right.
Look, you've already triggered it.
I know.
As long as we keep
pressure on it, like so,
we'll be fine.
- It's all about physics.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, we can't stay here forever, right?
Yeah.
So we're gonna have to make a move.
Okay, look. Vicki, look at me.
Look at me!
I need you to trust me. Do you trust me?
- Yes.
- Do you trust me?
- I said yes.
- Good.
'Cause I'm about to spring this
- What?
- Right
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Now!
Like I said, watch your step.
Thank you for saving me.
It's what I do, and it comes naturally,
- like breathing.
- Oh.
Just in and out.
In, out, in, out.
In, out.
In and out. In and out.
Uh, could we keep moving?
Lady's choice.
Sure, well, I guess
we should keep moving.
Yeah.
Here you go.
There we go. All right.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine,
six, nine, number sign.
So MacGruber, why are we here?
May 1, 1998, Burkina Faso.
Tiger Company,
the most elite special ops unit
in the world had just gone rogue,
and their leader, Brigadier
Commander Enos Queeth,
had just gotten his hands
on the most devastating
chemical weapon the world
has ever known
Brimstone.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine,
six, nine, number sign.
But what Queeth didn't know is
that Tiger Company had a mole.
Well, a mole-Gruber.
Long story short, I stole Brimstone
and left Queeth and his men to die
in a Burkina Fasonian prison.
Only problem, they didn't die.
And now Queeth will do anything
to get his hands on this stuff,
but luckily for us,
I hid it where Queeth
will never find it.
Right through this door.
Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine,
six, nine, number sign.
Why didn't you just destroy it?
Piper, someone worked
very hard on this.
And now the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Did Queeth beat us to it,
or did we beat Queeth?
Six, nine, six, nine,
six, nine, six, nine.
No number sign.
Oh, thank God. Yes!
Fuck yeah. And crisis averted.
Fucking liar.
- What do you mean liar?
- Oh, just a detail.
Queeth lied to me,
said he already had this thing.
But why would he lie to you
about having it?
I don't know, some
people just like to lie.
You know, it makes them feel like
they can hang with the big boys,
but sadly, Queeth is munching
our farts on this one.
Fucking dumb-ass.
I mean, this is such a great
series of wins for me.
He fucking lies to me about having it,
and I know he's lying,
that's win number one.
Then I escape like a fucking badass,
that's win number two.
And now I have the thing
he desperately needs.
I don't know if you're
counting, but I am,
and that's win number two.
So he lied to you and said
he already had Brimstone.
Yes.
And then you somehow escaped.
Heroically and against all odds, yes.
Yeah, they let you go.
Practically, right?
No, I mean, they let you out on purpose.
What? Ha. I assure you, they did not.
Why don't you tell us a little more
about this crazy escape of yours?
I'd fucking love to take you through it.
Yes, so there I am at this
freaky underground lair,
naked, hanging schlong for all to see.
And I didn't even fucking care, right?
I sense an opening,
and I just fucking rip
out of my restraints
and fight my way through
the guy who was watching me.
Wait, they left you with just one guy?
Yeah, but he was, like,
a super fucking badass.
Like, one of the toughest
blind guys you'll ever see.
Sorry, they left you with a blind guy?
Oh, yeah, and it was
so fucking terrifying.
You point that guy in
the right direction,
he's like a guided missile.
Oh, Constantine Bach.
You guys know him. Remember?
Yeah, apparently, he didn't die
in that explosion.
Anyway, so there was
this scalpel on a tray
that was right next to me,
and when the blind guy,
Constantine, turned away for a sec
Stupid fucking move, right?
It gave me more than enough
time to free myself.
And then I just hand to hand
combated him,
burned him alive with
his own flamethrower,
skinned him it was
my first time doing that
And then escaped.
So you still think they let me out?
- 100%.
- I think maybe they did.
Yeah, that makes sense.
They let me out so I could
immediately race right here
and stop them from getting
the one thing they wanted?
Yeah, they didn't know where it was.
You led them right to it.
Oh, my God, Piper.
We are so embarrassed for you.
You have so much fucking
egg on your face.
I mean, do you hear yourself
when you talk?
If I had led them right to it
then they would be here by
Whoa, whoa, there they are.
MacGruber.
Hello, Queeth.
Thanks for leading us
to your little hiding place.
So this was all a set up?
You really catch on quick.
And you catch on slow and low.
You're such a dumb piece of shit.
See, I knew that was
your plan all along,
so I made the very smart
decision to counterplan you.
Net drop!
So where were we?
It was something about a counterplan.
Ah, yes, the counterplan.
I mean, do you honestly believe
that I would lead you
right to Brimstone?
Well then, think again.
Then think again and then think again
and again and again and again,
'cause that ain't this
and this ain't that.
Then you'll let me have it.
Go ahead, take it. Here.
Be my guest.
Why did you do that?
I'm telling you, you're getting played.
Right, guys?
Yes.
That's right Not
only is that canister
filled with a bunch of fresh jizz
from me and Piper here Right, Piper?
- Right, Piper?
- Yeah.
But as we speak, you are surrounded
by the full width and breadth
of the U.S. military,
who have orders to shoot you
on my command.
Hold off there, General,
for a second.
Think I might be able to talk
a little sense into him.
Oh, 10-4, what's that?
Huh? Roger? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, they want to shoot
your fucking face off so bad,
but I won't let them yet.
So you want to rethink
your dumb little plan?
Hang on, hang on.
Yeah, he's thinking about it
with his dumb little brain.
So don't kill him yet.
Give him another ten
Nine
Eight
- Seven.
- S seven.
- Six.
- Six.
- Five.
- Fi
Four.
Four
Three.
Three
Two.
Two
One.
One more, straight down the barrel.
Yes, sir.
Come on! This way.
Sir, it was a drone.
It's coming around again.
Yeah, well, take it out.
Now!
Good God.
Abort! Abort!
Sorry, sir, it's been deployed.
Redirect. Redirect!
Trying, sir.
Swing and a miss.
Fire.
Got them.
- Uplink terminated.
- Damn it!
Get another Reaper up now.
- 20 minutes, sir.
- Now, major!
Yes, sir.
Now, where's our friend, MacGruber?
Ha, ha! Fuck you, Queeth.
Want us to go after him, sir?
No, we got a schedule to keep.
We got what we came for.